There are way too many out of control kids out here...

Hello Mark,

I wrote to you a few weeks ago regarding my grandson that we had guardianship of. My grandson was in the hall since Sept. 18 and we went to court yesterday. His mother agreed to take him back to Los Angeles. The judge obviously did not read anything about his past history. He shocked us by telling the court audience that we "failed" Logan and terminated our guardianship. The judge reduced his 3 misdemeanors to 2; 21 days served in the hall is done and 6 months probation and his case is being transferred to Riverside County and said that Logan is now their problem. I guarantee that Logan and his mother will have a big argument within one week or sooner, because he has not learned a thing except to bully adults.

What I've seen the public defenders do is plea bargain serious offenses (felonies) down to misdemeanors so the kids do not have to spend time in the hall due to overcrowding. There is no offer of classes like you have or counseling for either parents or children. The deputies do not like dealing with juvenile probation; public defenders do not like dealing with parents and keep us in the dark and the kids get to make their own decisions regarding their pleas.

My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court? Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble? Is your program in other states juvenile systems?

Our biggest problems here in central California is drugs and gangs. A 12 year old boy just shot and killed his 76 year old grandmother. He was probably expelled from school because he had "problems" in school and was being home schooled by grandma. They got into an altercation and he shot her. If there could be an intervention when teachers see the ODD behavior, parents could take your course early enough to turn the kid around. Logan has been acting out since kindergarten. By 6th grade, his teacher wanted to kick him out of class, so I took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with ADD and was put on Concerta which helped some. I don't agree now that kids need to be put on drugs to control behavior. It's too late for us and Logan?

There are way too many out of control kids out here. I really feel sorry for teachers, because they have to deal with a lot of students acting out. What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?

Thanks for listening.

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court?

Most parents (90% +) are able to avoid involving their child in the system at all. Those who attend the live group – or join OPS – after their juvenile is already on probation greatly cut down on the length of time he/she is on probation. Plus the juvenile whose parent is using these strategies tends to violate probation much less than those in the control group.

Re: Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble?

Some are court-ordered – most are not.

Re: Is your program in other states juvenile systems?

Only Indiana currently. But I hope to branch out as my Higher Power leads me to do so.

Re: It's too late for us and Logan?

It’s never too late.

Re: What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?

Tell them to Google for www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com …then they can see for themselves whether or not the program is of any value to them.

Mark

College Student Needs To Learn How To Budget

Hi mark

Y___ at college…

She entitled to £30.p/week as student, which goes into her bank account although at present isn't yet receiving as late application. X gives her money every week I just give her on daily basis as required to get to college and lunch when she runs out. X gives more than required for college so she uses for going out, rubbish food, clothes (you name it). She has stolen quite substantial sums of money from myself and x without consistent consequences in the past, im quite observant and careful so have received it back if caught before spending but x isn't aware half the time and leaves money around for easy picking, she has been sacked or walked out on p/t jobs, and is determined not to work as she knows that she owes a lot of money to various folk. When she committed these mentioned acts I said she needs to pay us all back.

On assignment 1 put into place chores, so should I start paying for these? But she has been reasonably good, as I comment on her helpful acts, but admittedly, not always.
Not sure how to go about grant money. Because she abuses money and uses for her needs.... has not learnt self-reliance.

K.

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You will want to follow the recommendations in “The Art of Saying Yes” and in “The Art of Saying No”.

Bottom line: This is a golden opportunity for your daughter to learn how to budget. The basics of budgeting are the same for students as they are for anybody else: list the sources of income, such as savings from summer jobs, financial support from parents, financial aid from the school, scholarships, and income from a job. Then list expenses, such as tuition, books, groceries, gas, entertainment, etc., in as much detail as possible. Make a budget worksheet.

If expenses are less than income, she’s in good shape as long as she sticks to a spending plan. If expenses are MORE than income, she needs to find ways to cut spending or increase your income.

Throwing money at her will NOT teach budgeting – and a college degree is no guarantee of an ability to manage money wisely. It takes effort and discipline, and the time to start is now. So keep this larger goal of “teaching her how to budget” in the back of your mind.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teacher Picking On Student?

Mark, I am into the second week of the program and have made some progress with my son. However, he has a teacher that seems to have the ability to reverse in one 45 minute class period what took me 3 days to accomplish. It frustrates the hell out of me. About a month ago my son had a hernia repair operation and missed one week of school to recover. That seems to be where things started to break down. She failed to send his assignments like the other teachers did and gave him zeros on the assignments he missed. I have lodged several complaints with the school about this. In short, there seems to be constant tension between the two. She calls me almost daily complaining about misbehavior in her class and sends him to the principal's office. Here are some of the "offenses" he has committed that results in him getting put on detention. "He rolled his eyes at me." "He gave me a funny look." "He wouldn't answer a question when called on."

Mark, he has no problems with any of his other teachers and is doing quite well in his other classes. I believe he feels like he is getting picked on by her and singled out. I have asked the school to move him to another class. However, they so far have refused. I certainly don't want his problems in her class to affect his other classes and desperately am trying to find a solution. He is very upset about this class. Any suggestions? Thanks, R.

Click here for my response...

He threw me against the wall and then threatened to kill me in my sleep...

Hi V.,

==> I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

The new rules worked for a couple of days. K didn't sleep after school, did his homework and showed it to me and got off the internet on time. This was nothing short of a miracle, and showed me yet again, how the program really changes behaviour.

Then he breached the internet limit time (I did give him a couple of reminders, so he did this on purpose). Consequence = lost internet access for 24 hrs. Then he wouldn't show me his homework - so his phone has been disabled for 24 hrs.

==> Ooops! Not a good move. This is the beginning of a power struggle.

Whenever a child introduces new problems on top of an existing one, parents should put the new problem in the "deal-with-it-later" file. Please review Q & A - On Discipline [under "The Art of Saying No" - Session #2 - online version of eBook].

Anyway, I am sticking to the rules, and he tried all sorts of things to get me to change my mind (swearing, screaming, saying it was life or death if he couldn't access the internet - mind you, he couldn't explain why). I remained calm and explained he chose to breach the rules, therefore he chose the consequences.

In the end, he stood in my way and when I tried to go past him, he threw me against the wall and then threatened to kill me in my sleep. I calmly told him his bullying will not work, and that he has now lost the phone for 48 hrs for threatening me.

My question is this: do I go to the police to report him? Or do I warn him I will do that if he is violent again?

==> Warn one time, then follow through with calling the police if it happens again. The cops can't do much, but you don't want to model for your son that it is O.K. to engage in domestic battery (which IS illegal).

(He physically shoved me just when I started this program, and he had his phone taken.)

I don't want to give him attention for his bad behaviour, or look scared, like I need police protection.

==> Good move!

If the police start to get involved, he will get a caution I guess, but not much more given he is 15 yrs. He is likely to be scared initially but then his bravado might increase when he realises that they can't do much to him.

Is he more likely to give up this behaviour with consequences that I impose (clearly the phone disabling and internet being cut off is very painful for him), or by involving the law?

==> Stick with your consequences (and use the deal-with-it-later file), but also involve authorities when your son becomes violent.

I would appreciate your advice, and thank you for your support thus far, it has been invaluable in giving me the strength to keep going.

Vicky

==> You're welcome.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I just have this calming feeling that we are going to be ok...

Good morning Mark;

Just started reading your Ebook and WOW, even if my daughter who is 14 is not as bad as some, just dealing with small issues compared to some, I just have this calming feeling that we are going to be ok and I started the techniques from Assignment 1 and already can see a look of astonishment on my daughters face.

So on that note - Thank you and I am looking forward to what else the program has to offer.

Thanks Mark, everything you state just in the first 30 odd pages hit the nail on the head!

Have a wonderful day - because my daughter and I will try too!

J.

Online Parent Support

Daughter Hates Father

Mark,

Things have been going great and my 14 year old daughter A___ was even going to school on time and her overall behaviour was on the up until the school told me that in the past 3 weeks she has not been going, to cut a long story short she went to her dads this weekend < we are divorced and he has re married> And she told her dad to fuck off and walked out the house saying she does not have a dad anymore. All because they were having a chat about her not going to school and why. She has not been away having fun with friends but been staying in her room on her own.

My ex and his wife are both a great help and we all get on very well and all talk often about A___.

This past week she has changed a lot, in the past if I ground her for the day, she puts up a fight but wont go over the door, this week she has gone out anyway and comes back when she pleases.

I have a very open relationship with her and always tell her and show her how much I love her. I feel in a way she seems to be lost and not sure were her place in the family is now with her dad remarried and I am engaged.

But then again I might be wrong. We have some very long chats and think we are getting somewhere and then she goes and does her own thing no matter how it can hurt anyone else or put anyone out.

A little about A___.... until she went to high school she was a sweet little girl that all the teachers loved and said she was a pleasure to have in her class, but always chatty and outgoing. Would go out her way to help in anyway she could. She was always leaving me wee notes saying how much she loved me and would leave me her last sweet.

In second year at high school her dad and I went to parents night at the school and were shocked at what the teachers were saying about A___ as at home and at her dads she was just the same girl. Then things seemed to get bad with her i.e. drinking swearing and her makeup was thick and started going out with boys. But I do believe she was only had kisses and cuddles. She has turned into a hard nut with a foul mouth and talks as common as she can.

She says she hates school …hates her dad and hates her brothers …her world is her friends and no one else matters and if they dare cross her she is not shy in letting them now, police teachers or her parents.

Yesterday at her dads was like another bad turn with her because if she was on her best behaviour it was always with her dad.

I’m sorry if im rambling but trying to set a picture for you in hope u have a magic wand and give me the answer to get her back on track and see she does well at school and does not have this hate for everyone.

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: school.

Please refer to the section of the eBook entitled “Read These Email From Exasperated Parents” [online version – session #4].

Re: I feel in a way she seems to be lost and not sure were her place in the family is now with her dad remarried and I am engaged.

Many studies have reported that children of divorced parents experience more problems in adjustment than children who grow up in intact families. Much of the research suggests that children of divorce are more likely to have more difficulties in school and to be more sexually active, more aggressive, more anxious, more withdrawn, less prosocial, more depressed, and more likely to abuse substances and participate in delinquent acts than their peers from intact families.

Despite many adjustment difficulties, adolescents show some positive changes such as an impressive development of maturity and moral growth, a more realistic understanding of finances, and a chance to experience new family roles and responsibilities.

Most children's adjustment problems occur within the first two years following their parent's divorce or remarriage. Research indicates that while behavior problems are common at the time of divorce, they typically diminish as time passes. Most children will eventually adapt successfully to this life transition and have no long-term ill effects.

Adolescent adjustment (absence of depression, low levels of deviant behaviors, and academic achievement) is influenced by many factors within the adolescents' primary residence. These factors include a feeling of closeness to the residential parent, effective parental monitoring, joint decision-making between the adolescent and parent regarding household rules and youth activities, and low parent-child conflict. Activities that reflect effective parenting include providing warmth and support, assisting with problems, providing encouragement, setting and explaining standards, monitoring, and enforcing discipline.

Also, cooperative, mutually supportive, low conflict co-parenting relationships are advantageous for both children and adults. Other family process variables such as the maintenance of parent involvement, successful manipulation of the logistics of co-parenting (e.g., maintaining schedules, visitation, communication, decision-making), and the coordination of parenting roles and values are important mechanisms for reducing the stress of both parents and children.

Recommendations—

· Attempt to keep the changes that you can control in your adolescent's life to a minimum.

· Be aware of your adjustment or becoming depressed. Seek help from professionals if you need it.

· Continue to be a parent to your child rather than turning into a friend.

· Maintain a feeling of closeness with your teen, use effective parental monitoring, allow them to make decisions with you regarding their activities—aim for low parent-child conflict, and strive for organization and predictable routines in your household.

· Reduce inter-parental conflict. If possible, cooperatively parent with your child's other parent. Speak positively about your child's other parent in front of the child and do not place the child in the middle. For example, having your child spy on the other parent or using visitation rights as a bargaining tool undermines the confidence your child has with the other parent and strains his or her emotional well-being.

· Refrain from burdening your adolescent with your problems or using your teen as a confidant. Allow your adolescent to remain a teenager.

· The father needs to participate in important activities like forming morals, helping to solve problems, enforcing consistent discipline, and reinforcing appropriate behavior.

· Use effective parenting by providing encouragement and emotional support, establishing and explaining standards for conduct, and administering consistent discipline.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Mother Calls Police on Daughter

Hi Mark,

Thought I was doing great! However Y___ got very angry about me taking her phone when she was keeping her sister and me awake… I was calm and said she could have it in the morning but on following me downstairs hurled verbal abuse etc when I wouldn't give phone back …eventually when other daughter started screaming at both of us Y___ threatened me and took out pair of scissors and hit me and thumped me, I replied that if she hit me again I would call the police, ultimately I had to. She disappeared and the police have charged her with assault. I kept a poker face and kept saying "I’m not arguing" …my x is aghast at me for calling police and wants me to retract. I’m not. I guess in hindsight what I didn’t do is give her enough warning before taking phone. Didn’t want to call police but she seems to loose control …how can I alleviate this …I tried to be clear …I was VERY CALM COOL AND COLLECTED, which she didn't like.


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Things do seem to get worse before they get better. But you're on track. I can see you are working the program. Thanks for being a good student.

Re: … how can I alleviate this?

Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [online version – session #3].

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen