Cell Phone Abuse

Suppose you have a child who when she is told that she is being disciplined for her cell phone and has lost the privilege to use it for 2 days. The problem is she refuses to give me the cell phone. What can i do so as not to get in a power struggle.

Her suggestion is she will put it in the box and not use it.

How can I handle this type of situation?

Thank you.

S.

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I would cancel her plan then. She's holding you hostage. Give her a warning first: "If you choose to avoid this consequence (i.e., turning your cell phone in for 2 days), then you will choose a stiffer consequence -- your cell plan will be canceled."

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Teens & Facebook Problems

Hi,

I had purchase the course a few months ago and was trying to work through t and our daughter (the reason we purchased the course) seemed to be doing better. This morning (The main computer that all the children use has a block on IE so it will only go to approved sites and has software to limit time and function - this was done because of my oldest daughter) I needed to use the computer as I couldn't get my laptop to edit a file correctly and my oldest daughter was on and i noticed that Facebook was up, it is not on the approved site list and noticed that it was a profile of her! It was not really her a it was a slight variation of her name, but it was her. A few months ago we had the same problem with myspace - she had created an account as a 19 year old waitress and it was not a family friendly thing. Both of these instances were due to my wife accidentally shutting off the web filter and she (my daughter) took advantage of it. We put the web filter on a couple of years ago as we found her cruising many XXXXXX porn sites and corresponding with men on different forums. We are now finding that the stories she has been relating lately about different friends are her online friends and she has been giving out our home phone number to these people and they have been calling us recently. We keep thinking that we can trust her then she does things like this. All today knowing that we are so upset with this she seems totally oblivious and is acting like nothing happened. We are at our wits end and nothing seems to be working. I don't know how she learned to do these thing or where she got the idea. My wife s ready to kill her or throw her out of the house - I don't know what to do. I hope that I am not rambling and do admit that I haven't gone through the whole course yet. I am hoping for some advice and direction to take. My daughter is ADHD and on adderall, I don't know if she needs checked for schizophrenic tendencies as the person online is not the girl who lives with us. Please help.

Thanks,

L.

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Hi L.,

Facebook privacy settings are an important part of keeping daughters save from predators who are everywhere just waiting for naive daughters to introduce themselves. That's why you need to use Facebook privacy settings to keep daughters safe while they have fun on Facebook. These Facebook privacy settings will help keep your daughter safe on Facebook.

Before We Start Changing Facebook Privacy Settings—Here are some Facebook safety settings that you can use to keep strangers away from daughters on Facebook. Before we can start changing Facebook privacy settings you'll need to get to the right page.

At the top of your Facebook page you'll see a link that says "Settings". When you hold your mouse over that link a menu will pop up. Click on "Privacy Settings" from that menu.

Now we're ready to change your Facebook privacy settings to keep your daughters safe.

1. Who Can See Your Daughter's Profile Information? It's important to make sure that strangers (aka those not on the friend list) can't see your daughter's profile information. This includes such things as photos, personal information, videos, their friend list, and anything else they may include on their profile.

To adjust your daughter's Facebook profile security settings start at the privacy settings page. Then click on the "Profile" link. From here you can change the privacy settings for your daughter's Facebook profile. For the safest setting choose the option to allow only friends to view all of the settings on the page.

2. Who Can See Your Daughter's Photos? Don't let just anyone see the photos your daughter puts up. Daughters like to post photos of themselves and their friends, definitely something you don't want a predator to see. This is a setting you'll have to teach your daughter to use, or go in occasionally and do yourself. Each photo has it's own setting so every time a photo is added, the security setting will need to be changed.

To adjust individual photo settings on your daughter's Facebook profile start at the privacy settings page. Then, as before, click on the "Profile" link. Scroll down the page a bit and you'll see a link that says "Edit Photo Albums Privacy Settings", click on this link. Now choose "Only Friends" as the privacy setting for every photo to keep your daughter safest.

3. Who Can See Your Daughter's Personal Information? These are things like your daughter's IM screen name, email address, website URL, address and phone number. There's no way you want this information out there for all to see. Go in and change this Facebook privacy setting immediately.

From the Facebook privacy page again click on "Profile". This time also click on the "Contact Information" tab to change these privacy settings. Change all the security settings on this page to "No One" for the most secure setting.

4. Who Can Find Your Daughter's Profile? As a default setting on Facebook, anyone can do a search and find anyone else using Facebook's search tool. Keep people from finding your daughter's profile in the first place by changing this Facebook privacy setting.

Starting from Facebook's privacy page click on "Search". Where it says "Search Visibility" choose the options that says "Only Friends". Then under where it says "Public Search Listing" make sure the box is unchecked. These settings will ensure that only people on your daughter's friend list will be able to find him in search.

5. How Can People Contact Your Daughter? When someone comes across your daughter's profile they may want to contact them for some reason. Maybe to ask to be added to her friend list or maybe to ask her a question. You can control what that person can see on your daughter's profile while they're there.

Starting from Facebook's privacy page click on "Search". Then scroll down to the bottom of the page. There you'll see the "How Can People Contact You" section. Choose to disallow strangers from seeing your daughter's photo or their friend list. Then choose whether to allow or disallow people from adding your daughter as a friend. Most importantly, you'll need to decide whether you want strangers to be able to contact your daughter at all.

Good luck,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Chores for Pay for Aspergers Son?

Given my son's level of gridlock, is giving the list of chores for pay, a place to start to break the entitlement cycle? Or is he so Asperger/Rad/Odd/depressed that it only sends him deeper into gridlock?

Thanks,

S.

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With respect to Aspergers, while not everyone on the autism spectrum has trouble getting and staying organized, many have a tough time creating a comfortable place to live.

Some Aspergers people have difficulty managing all the tasks that go into maintaining a home. What has to be done first? Where do you begin?

Aspergers people may also have trouble sorting different objects in the home. For example, they may not realize that the enormous pile of "stuff" on the bed can be broken down into separate piles of clothes, books, papers, and trash, and therefore managed more easily. It may be difficult to sort and control things that arrive in the home, with newspapers winding up all over the place and packages left by the door for weeks. It may not be obvious where to store items either.

Well-meaning non-Aspergers friends or relatives can inadvertently put pressure on Aspergers people or assume they are lazy, in fact, they may have be having serious trouble caring for their living quarters, further fueling a sense of frustration.

In any event, chores-for-pay is an appropriate place to start.

Also, please review this page on RAD… click ==> Reactive Attachment Disorder

…and this page on ODD… click ==> Oppositional Defiant Disorder


Good luck,

Mark

Teens & Cussing

Hi Mr. Hutten,

I am finding your program for out of control kids helpful.

The pieces around self reliance and dependency are quite timely as I see the reluctance and regression of my 17 yo son as he completes his junior year of high school and begins to think about college, pg years etc.

Thankfully our son has not been in much trouble. But I find his disrespect for adults (especially me) and his lack of motivation most difficult. I suspect we have fostered this in him by making home too comfortable. Hopefully I/we can make some progress with your strategies and eliminating free handouts.

I am writing to ask about foul language. It seems to appear when he's angry or frustrated. I have made it clear to him that I find it intolerable. So I'm wondering, is this simply a symptom of the deeper rooted problems which I am working on addressing, and so I should simply ignore it or is it something I should address head on?

Hope to hear from you.

Thanks.

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: ...is this simply a symptom of the deeper rooted problems which I am working on addressing, and so I should simply ignore it or is it something I should address head on?

If your situation is like that of most parents, you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about cussing. If he calls you names (e.g., bitch) or cusses at you (e.g., fuck you), then this needs a consequence [outlined is session #3 - online version of the eBook]. But in the event he is simply using cuss words as a way to vent, ignore it.

Ignoring behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case -- it is the best strategy.

Why?

Because the more you nag, complain, and confront his use of profanity -- the more attention you are giving it -- which reinforces his desire to cuss. Attention is reinforcement. Lack of attention delivers no payoff. Thus, cussing should wane over time.

Pick your battles carefully,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

A boy she likes asked her for a b*** job...

Dear Mr. Hutten: I am at wits end about my teenage daughter. I just recently found a notebook that her and her girlfriend have been passing back and forth. She wrote to her girlfriend that a boy she likes asked her for a blowjob do you think he is using me. She is only 12 yrs old she will be 13 in May. I have talked to her continuously regarding that oral sex is sex and all the STD's she could possibly get from this behavior. She said she didn't do anything swears up and down she didn't but the rumor spread around school and also came back to me. Please help me on how to deal with this problem. I can't sleep at night thinking she could possibly do something like this. All the conversations I have had with her thinking I could prevent that she would not get involved with this behavior hasn't worked. I can't trust her anymore. I don't let her run the streets like other children do, I just can't believe this is happening, I am so afraid of what the future is going to bring. Please help me to handle this problem correctly. I appreciate anything you could do for me. Thank You, D.

Click here for my response...

He keeps on pushing some limits...

Mark

My son (16) is settling back at home fine now but he keeps on pushing some limits. Although he is not shouting at me or throwing things or going out at the moment, he will not listen to the little things. For example, I said I would pay for his summer ball if he cleaned the following rooms for me in the house and he chose 3 task cards. However, some of the details on the task cards he has not completed and the deadline which was set for him on Wednesday last week was to complete all 3 by Saturday night. He completed 1 full, the 2nd (75%) and left out the last (3rd) as it was to sweep up the front lawn. He said he would do that at night so no one could watch him (neighbours). The consequence for not completing all 3 was that I could cancel the cheque on Monday.

Question: Should I go through with cancelling the cheque tomorrow now.

Overall he is behaving much better this past week and there has been nothing but politeness from him and a good mood. Is this what you would call the “not so important things” or should I follow through and risk a possible breakdown again? Or just have a chat with him. I would really value your advice.

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Re: Should I go through with cancelling the cheque tomorrow now.

If you are seeing some improvement in his overall behavior, then you may want to lower your standards a bit for the short term. But tell him the following: "In the future, if you've been given a set of chores to do -- and you do not complete all of them -- then you will not receive the privilege you have asked for until ALL chores are completed."

Be sure to follow through with this consequence in the event he cheats on his chores again.

Also, please review the info on chores in "The Art of Saying Yes" [session #2 - online version of the ebook] – specifically as it relates to putting time limits on chore completion.

Mark

Online Parent Support

15 yr old daughter holding a lot of anger with her Dad...

Mark-

The problem I have with my 15 yr old daughter is that she also keeps holding a lot of anger especially with her Dad. He has been in and out a few times, either way he has been here now since last July and she still gives him a hard time. Right now I am going to be doing this on my own for now. They are not speaking at the moment. Can I implement this on my own anyway? He knows I am going to attempt it so I don't think he will interfere with it.

I hope they will get back to speaking to each other soon. I think the resentment, anger and forgiveness are difficult for the 2 of them.

Thanks,

S.

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Hi S.,

About 90% of OPS members are single moms -- so yes, you can implement this on your own (and you're in good company).

Mark

Online Parent Support