Tips for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

"I have a daughter who has been a problem since the age of 15 …she is now 27yrs …has a 2yr old daughter …she dumped the child and went to stay with boyfriend …doesn’t even contribute a cent to this child and I find myself having to start all over again raising a child. I don’t like this situation, but I feel sorry for the child …what can I do in this situation?"

Click here for my response...

Adolescents in Trouble

Adolescents in Trouble: Criminal Behavior

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with criminal behavior in adolescents.

Websites—

·         American Bar Association Juvenile Justice Center - articles, pending legislation, and a nice annotated list of links related to juvenile justice.
·         Juvenile Justice - by the (U.S.) National Criminal Justice Reference Service
·         Juvenile Justice Clearinghouse - Many links including those to departments of juvenile justice by state.
·         U.S. Juvenile Justice Law - Legal Information Institute, Cornell law School

Information and Stats—

·         Kids and Firearms - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
·         Kids Who Steal - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
·         National Youth Gang Center - from the U.S. Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention
·         Office of Juvenile Justice Statistical Briefing Book - Facts and statistics published by this department.


Adolescents in Trouble: Substance Abuse

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with substance abuse.

Websites—


·          Prevention Online - by the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information
·         Addiction Search - gateway to reliable information on all aspects of addiction.

Hotlines—

Web of Addictions Rolodex - hotline and organization contact information.



Information & Stats—

·         Adolescent Substance Abuse Knowledge Base - identify drugs, signs and usage, and treatment & solutions.
·         ASH Home Web age - News articles, documents, and statistics from Action on Smoking and Health.
·         Center for Education and Drug Abuse Research -University of Pittsburgh
·         Kids of Alcoholics - another factsheet from the AACAP.
·         Making Decisions about Substance Abuse Treatment - by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
·         Adolescents: Alcohol and Other Drugs - factsheet from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

Recovery Programs—

·         Al-Anon / Alateen - "hope and help for families and friends of alcoholics".
·         Alcohol Anonymous - Web site of the international organization.
·         Cocaine Anonymous Home Page
·         Narcotics Anonymous - site of the World Service Office.
·         Self-Help Information Sources - A long list of sites from the Web of Addictions.


Adolescents in Trouble: Runaways

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with runaway behavior.

Websites—

·         Focus Adolescent Services - Community-based outreach program in Florida that offers information resources in addition to services for runaways and families.
·         National Center for Missing and Exploited Kids - This non-profit U.S. agency employs state-of-the-art technology to locate missing kids and adolescents.
·         National Runaway Switchboard - Volunteer organization which provides confidential help to runaways and their families, as well as information and educational services.
·         Runaway Lives - Personal stories about the runaway experience and discussion by runaways and their families.
·         Team Hope provides one-on-one support to moms/dads of missing kids through a volunteer network of moms/dads who have survived the experience. The website also offers a wealth of information on abduction, runaways, Internet enticement, etc.

Missing Kids Sites—

Cyberpage's Missing Kids Page - Lists kids missing and contact information.

Information & Stats—

·         Covenant House: For Moms/dads: Youngster Missing? - Steps to take if your youngster is discovered missing.
·         Health Needs of Homeless and Runaway Youth: A Position Paper of the Society for Adolescent Medicine - from the Journal of Adolescent Health: 1992;13:717-726.
·         Helping Runaway and Homeless Youth Grow up Safe and Secure - Remarks by U.S Secretary of Health and Human Services, Donna Shalala at the National Network for Youth Annual Conference, Washington, D.C., February 8, 1999
·         Sourcebook of Criminal Justice Statistics - Runaways - U.S. statistics from the Department of Justice.
·         Teen Runaways, PBS Newshour transcript, May 14, 1996 - Rod Minott of KCTS-Seattle reports on how Washington State deals with teenage runaways.
·         The Iowa Legislative Report - Details Iowa's legislation which encourages counties to establish runaway assessment and treatment programs.
·         When Your Youngster Is Missing: A Family Survival Guide - Informative and sensitive site for moms/dads written (with assistance from law enforcement and youth service professionals) by moms/dads who have experienced the trauma of a missing youngster.

Hotlines—

·         Youngster Find of America, Inc. (New York)-phone 1-800-a-way-out
·         National Missing Kids's Locate Center (Oregon)-phone 1-800-999-7846
·         National Runaway Switchboard - phone 1-800-621-4003


Travel & Communication Services—

·         Guardian Youth Escort Service
·         Contact-A-Runaway - fee-based message service for runaways and moms/dads.
·         "Home Free" Bus Service - Greyhound Lines, in conjunction with the National Runaway Switchboard, will provide free one way transportation for runaway kids returning home through its "Home Free" program.

Prevention & Intervention—

·         Youngster Find Alberta - "... providing the citizens of Alberta with programs for prevention, intervention, location and recovery, and postvention/follow up."
·         Operation Go Home- Canadian organization dedicated to reuniting runaways with their families or matching them with agencies which can provide help. Educational materials are also available.
·         The Runaway Game - "Choose-your-own-adventure" style hypertext novel with 20 different endings designed to help adolescents understand the realities of life as a runaway. At the end of each chapter, readers make choices which lead to different scenarios.
·         Understanding and Preventing Teenage Runaways - advice a clinical psychologist.
·         Youth Crisis Center of Jacksonville, Florida - one community's response to the problem of runaways includes the SAFE PLACE program begun in 1986.


Adolescents in Trouble: Suicide

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with suicidal behavior.

Websites—

·         Mental Health Net: Suicide
·         Open Directory: Teen Suicide



Hotlines—

·         Samaritans Online - Email and U.K./Ireland telephone support service.
·         Suicide Crisis Center - U.S. suicide hotlines.
·         Suicide Helplines - Worldwide list of hotlines.



Information and Stats—

·         HaveAHeart Homepage: A Rest Stop for the Depressed and Suicidal - Thoughtful discussion of suicidal feelings and how to cope with them by Stephen L. Bernhardt.
·         Healing of Nations - The wisdom of Native American traditions speaks to us all at this unique site. "Site index and resources" includes practical information and many relevant links.
·         SA\VE Home Page - Brief informative articles on many facets of suicide, a booklist, and statistics sources.
·         Suicide Prevention - Myths and facts offered by the University of Illinois Counseling Center.
·         Teen Suicide - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry


Adolescents in Trouble: Other Mental Disorders

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with mental disorders in adolescents.

Specialized Search Engines and Directories—

PsychCrawler - Search for info at the American Psychological Association site, the National Institute of Health, and seven other authoritative sites.

Websites—

·         Internet Mental Health
·         School Psychology Resources Online - Includes many links to sites about specific disorders.

Specific Disorder Sites—

·         Depression Resource Center

Information—

·         American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry: Facts for Families - Very informative fact sheets in English and Spanish covering a wide range of adolescent and family problems, their treatment, and coping strategies.


Adolescents in Trouble: Eating Disorders

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with eating disorders in adolescents.

Websites—

·         Anorexic Web - Very thoughtful, personal, and honest site is maintained by an eating disorders counselor who is also a recovering anorexic.
·         Caring Online: offers a wide variety of resources dealing with all aspects of eating disorders, including support and personal stories.
·         International Eating Disorder Referral Organization - Provides information and treatment resources for all forms of eating disorders.
·         The Something Fishy Website on Eating Disorders - excellent informative site

Hotlines and Discussion Groups—

·         Something Fishy: Online Support - includes online chats, bulletin boards, support groups, and email newsletters.

Information and Stats—

·         Adolescents with Eating Disorders - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
·         Eating Disorder Recovery: Information & Links - Informative and encouraging site with a focus on therapy by a licensed psychotherapist.
·         Athletes with Eating Disorders - Factsheets on all aspects by Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disoarders, Inc.


Adolescents in Trouble: Learning Disorders

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with eating disorders in adolescents.

Websites—

·         LD Resources
·         Learning Disabilities -American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

Information—

·         Math Learning Disabilities
·         Kids Who Can't Pay Attention - American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
·         CH.A.D.D. - Kids and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder
·         About Learning Disabilities - Facts and myths from the Child Development Institute.

 

Adolescents in Trouble: Talk with Other Moms/dads

Newsgroups, Discussion Lists, Bulletin Boards & Chats—

·         alt.parenting.solutions
·         alt.moms/dads-adolescents
·         Forum One - Search engine for over 280,000 message boards and other online discussions.
·         Google Groups - Search this massive index of Internet discussion groups and post messages.
·         KidSource Online Forums
·         KMH-L - Discussion list for moms/dads and professionals discussing mental health issues in kids and adolescents.
·         Liszt Directory of E-mail Discussion Groups - Search for a discussion list on a topic.
·         Parenting-L
·         The Parenting Chat
·         Tile.net/Lists - Similar to Liszt Directory above.

Teaching Adult Children To Be Independent

Your adult child just graduated from college. He isn’t sure he knows what to do, and he is asking you for money every few weeks. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? 

Here are some tips to help your adult child be more independent:

Be There— While I am not recommending that you are there with open wallet any time your adult child has a financial crisis, you can and need to be there to listen and offer advice where it is required. Helping your adult child out by listening and providing emotional support is just as important and better for them in the long run.

Remember back to your own early days out on your own. It may have been hard, you may have “borrowed” an awful lot shampoo from your roommate, but you survived it, and your adult child will too.

Gone, but Not Gone— What about the adult child who IS out on her own, but is still relying on mom and dad for financial assistance? Perhaps the job doesn’t pay enough for rent, utilities, car payment, and insurance. Continuing to pay for things like car and health insurance can actually help the adult child out in the long run; lower premiums and deductibles are in place when an young adult remains on the parents’ policies. (Of course, some companies - mostly health insurance companies - require that the adult child be enrolled in college full-time. It’s worth the effort to check this out!) If she can’t afford to pay the premiums, then she might be able to work it off – painting her old room, helping take care of grandma’s yard, cleaning out the garage, etc.

The important thing is to remember that you are trying to teach financial independence and responsibility, not bank-roll her life. It’s supposed to be hard, at first. She doesn’t have to live in a posh apartment complex, just a safe one. He doesn’t need all new furniture; something clean, serviceable, and not hideous is all that’s required in the beginning.

Have a Game Plan— In an ideal world, when adult child graduates from college, she is ready to claim a place in society. An apartment, a job, car, and understanding of fiscal responsibilities are all necessary to cope as an independent adult child. However, most of us don’t live in an ideal world, and due to any number of possible circumstances, your adult child isn’t quite able to face these challenges with confidence and independence. What to do? Well, first of all, unless you want a 35-year-old daughter taking up space years from now when you’re ready to retire, you’ve got to make a plan.

Some people may subscribe to the “Tough Love” approach – that is, no more money from parents once he’s got that diploma is his hot little hand. A bit ruthless, maybe, but chances are if you’re reading this, it’s not the option for you or your newly independent adult child. You do, however, see the benefit of weaning her from your bank account before she gives you grandchildren, so a plan is definitely in order.

Move It On Out— In addition to this financial meeting, you also need to decide how long your welcome mat will be out. Discuss with your adult child how long he feels the need to continue living at home. For many individuals, the idea of having to pay bills to one’s mother and father is enough of an impetus to get us out the door. For others, though, it’s not, and some incentive (like a deadline, not a cash reward!) is required.

The Small Stuff— If you’re going to help your adult child learn to do things on his own, a “small stuff” approach may be the answer. If he hasn’t gotten his “dream job”, encourage him to get a job that can at least pay the bills while he’s looking. If he’s still living at home, charging rent, a portion of the utilities and part of the grocery bill is appropriate. Sit down together with your wife (or girlfriend) and decide AHEAD OF TIME what you want your adult child to pay for. These expenses are not negotiable; present them to him as ironclad.

Flexibility in what he pays for will not teach him anything. The landlord of his first apartment will not care whether or not he had enough hours on the clock this month to make her rent. Once you’ve decided on the minimum requirements, sit down together and go over your expectations. Make sure to present your offer in a rational manner. YOU are the owner of the house. YOU are in charge. And it is your duty to help this adult child get out on his own.

==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents of Defiant Teens

File Charges Against Your Own Daughter?!

Five days ago I found several receipts where my 17 yo daughter (will be 18 in 3 mos.) has used my debit card to take money from our bank account. I also found a check where she forged my husband’s name. She admitted to it. We told her we were either going to send her away to get help for this and all the other problems she is involved in OR that we were going to file charges against her.

She emailed us after the confrontation (where we both remained poker faced). She begged not to be sent away, acknowledged that she needed to changed, and took verbal responsibility for her actions and apologized for blaming us for her behavior. Yeah, very heartwarming, but as you say, and as I already know: THEY LIE.

Now my husband has changed his mind and does not want to follow thru with filing charges. He does not want to get involved in the "system". My heart does not want to put her thru the ordeal of filing charges etc., but my intellect says she must face the consequences and that it is better to face them now as a juvenile rather than LATER as an adult.

SO.......is getting involved with the "system" the best consequence or should we do a 3 day grounding and have her work at home to pay us back for the money she spent (~$100)....or both?......or something else? (By the way....last night she took my husband’s cell phone---she currently has no cell phone privileges---and she ran up 50 text messages...and of course WE pay for that service so that is AGAIN what I consider stealing).

Click here for my response...

Interview with Mark Hutten, M.A. [Parent Coach]

Question 1: 
 
In what way do parenting and parent-child relationships differ from late childhood (age 10-11 years) through mid-adolescence (15 years)?


Although moms are less involved in kid's school activity as they grow older, kids feel their parents continue to provide school support in other ways. Moms & dads of older kids do not report different parenting practices than parents of younger kids. Nonetheless, as they grow older, kids feel the quality of their relationship with parents declines. Older kids report that their moms & dads understand them less and that they argue with parents significantly more. Older kids feel their moms & dads are less warm and more rejecting, and feel less at ease confiding in their moms and their dads than younger kids. 

Question 2: 

How do child adjustment and social relationships change over this period?

Age changes in social relationships were consistent across the two samples. Smoking, alcohol use and affiliation with peers who use drugs increase with age whereas self-esteem decreases. Older kids are less likely to use helmets and seat belts than younger kids. The quality of sibling relationships remains stable, but older kids have more positive relationships with friends than younger kids. Older kids are less victimized by others and feel safer around school than younger kids. 

Question 3: 

Do parenting practices, parent-child relationships and child adjustment differ for males and females during this period of development?

Moms & dads report similar practices in parenting sons and daughters. Nonetheless, females perceive their moms & dads as less rejecting and warmer than males. Males and females are equally at ease confiding in their moms, but females confide less in their dads than males. 
 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Question 4: 

Do effective parenting practices contribute to a positive parent-child relationship and, in turn, to healthy child development?

Harsher parenting (more yelling and use of physical punishment, less reasoning) leads kids to feel their moms & dads are more rejecting and cold toward them. How kids perceive their relationship with their moms & dads is related to child adjustment. Kids who enjoy a more positive relationship with their moms & dads are more likely to invest in school, to use seat belts and helmets, and to experience fewer serious injuries. They have higher self-esteem, feel less depressed and are less anxious. Kids who perceive their moms & dads as more rejecting are more likely to smoke and use alcohol; they are more aggressive, bully others more, commit more property offenses and affiliate more with deviant friends. They are also more likely to be victimized by others. 

Question 5:

 Do parenting practices influence child adjustment differently for females versus males or for younger versus older kids?

Overall, females are less aggressive, commit fewer property offenses, bully others less and are less often victimized by others than males. Moreover, although females have lower self-esteem and more internalizing problems, they have better relationships with friends, are more pro-social and are more involved in school than males. Nonetheless, the impact of parenting practices on females and males is similar. Parenting is also associated with adjustment in younger and older kids in similar ways. That is, for both females and males of all ages, angry, arbitrary parenting (i.e. low use of reasoning) is associated with a poorer parent-child relationship (i.e. child perceptions of moms & dads as less warm and more rejecting) which in turn is associated with poor child adjustment. 

Question 6: 

Do the influences of parenting and/or the quality of the parent-child relationship differ in social contexts traditionally thought to put kids at risk for maladjustment?

Although few social contexts (i.e. maternal education, family income, maternal employment and single-parent family) directly affect child adjustment, some influence the quality of parent-child relationships. Kids of moms with less education and kids in families with lower income tend to perceive their relationships with their moms & dads more negatively. These negative perceptions in turn are associated with poorer adjustment. Maternal employment and single-parent status do not affect child adjustment independent of parenting and the parent-child relationship. 

Question 7: 

Is there evidence that relationships with moms and dads differ in their contribution to adjustment?

Daughters and sons feel equally at ease confiding in their moms, but daughters confide less in their dads than sons. Kids who feel comfortable confiding in their dads are better adjusted in a number of ways. 

Question 8: 

Is adolescence naturally a period of strife and storm?

A vulnerability to negative health outcomes increases between late childhood and mid-adolescence. Adolescence is a challenging developmental period. Transition to high school is frequently associated with increased vulnerability to low self-esteem and feelings of incompetence, combined with greater risk for depression and antisocial behavior. Engagement in some types of delinquent activity is normative during adolescence and may be related to adolescent exploration of social rules and norms. Social pressures on teens to conform to peer group expectations also contribute to engagement in delinquent activity.
 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Most teens do not suffer from significant negative health outcomes. The quality of parent-child relationships plays an important role in adolescent adjustment. Secure attachment is important in providing a safe haven during times of stress and in promoting exploration during times of growth. Evidence shows that secure attachment buffers teens from the stress associated with transitions such as high school entry. Teens benefit from parental accessibility for emotional support, structure and monitoring regarding their engagement in delinquent behavior and their association with peers who support this behavior. 

Question 9: 

In what ways do moms & dads contribute to healthy adolescent development?

Parenting practices are an important determinant of adjustment in late childhood and adolescence. Moms & dads who use harsh discipline are perceived by their kids as cold and more rejecting. Kids who perceive their moms & dads as cold and more rejecting suffer from a wide range of poorer adjustment outcomes, including aggression, bullying, property offenses, smoking and alcohol use.

Teens need to feel that their moms & dads are engaged and supportive of them. Teens are more independent than kids in many aspects of their lives. Nonetheless, parents should support their teens by remaining psychologically available to them while, at the same time, fostering their autonomy. Specific parenting skills include warmth, acceptance of individuality, active listening, behavior monitoring, limit setting and negotiation. 

Question 10: 

Do moms and dads each play important roles in promoting healthy child adjustment?

The data limited how deeply we could investigate the unique roles of moms and dads in determining the adjustment of their kids. Nonetheless, our findings point out that dads play an important role in child adjustment, but that females find it harder than males to confide in their dads. If families can take steps to support the relationship between dads and daughters, females may benefit from this. 

Question 11: 

Is the influence of parenting on child adjustment the same in high- versus low-risk contexts? Do some factors like poverty and maternal employment cause poor child adjustment independent of what moms & dads do?

Many moms & dads worry that their child may suffer because of low family income or maternal employment. Our findings show that the impact of risk factors like low income and low maternal education on child adjustment is related in large part to how these risk factors influence parenting practices. 

Question 12: 

Are females or males more vulnerable during adolescence? Do moms & dads need to use different strategies in parenting their daughters versus their sons?

Some differences in child adjustment were observed between females and males. Nonetheless, the impact of parenting was similar for females and males. Effective parenting produces positive outcomes for both females and males alike.
 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting is important for adjustment in adolescence. A common misperception in society is that adolescence is a time of moving toward detachment from moms & dads. Many moms & dads believe that because the amount of time that teens spend with their families decreases dramatically, parents no longer matter and have little effect on how their teens function. Our findings show that although parent-child relationships undergo transformation during adolescence, the adjustment of teens depends in good measure on the quality of their relationships with their moms & dads. Moms & dads need to recognize the continued importance of their relationship with their teens, despite the changes that occur in the nature of their interactions.

Recommendations for parents:
  • Teens need to feel that their moms & dads are engaged and supportive of them. Teens are more independent than kids in many aspects of their lives. Nonetheless, they require ongoing parental support in terms of moms & dads remaining open to communication and responsive if help is needed, while, at the same time, fostering adolescent autonomy. Specific parenting skills include warmth, acceptance of individuality, active listening, behavior monitoring, limit setting and negotiation.
  • Kids are more vulnerable to adjustment problems in adolescence than in childhood. Moms & dads need to anticipate that their adolescent requires increased support during periods of transition, such as entry into high school.
  • Obviously, adolescent adjustment is also determined by factors outside the family and the parent-child relationship. Even though moms & dads may only indirectly affect how peers, romantic partners and other social influences determine the adjustment of their kids, moms & dads' support through the stressful challenges of adolescence remains important.
  • Moms & dads need to recognize the continued importance of their relationship with their teens. Although the parent-child relationship undergoes transformation during adolescence, the adjustment of teens depends in good measure on the quality of their relationship with their moms & dads.
  • Parents need to recognize the special role of dads in supporting the well-being of their kids. Dads' increased psychological support of daughters may be particularly beneficial to them.
  •  
    ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

    A quote from an interview with Mark Hutten [Psychology Today]

    “Strong-willed, out-of-control children will rehabilitate themselves when they are ready, and not a minute sooner. They will change their behavior when – and only when – they choose to. The job of parents is not to get children to obey. It is to simply teach them that responsible behavior results in one sort of consequence while irresponsible behavior results in quite another. Oppositional, defiant kids refuse to accept this fundamental reality until they are forced to experience a significant degree of discomfort related to their poor choices. Discomfort comes from parents’ implementation of tough love – and unfortunately, tough love is often tougher on the parent than the child, especially if the parent has adopted an over-indulgent parenting style over the years.” 

    My Out-of-Control Teen

    Tired of endless arguments?

    Wish your teen would listen to you? Are you at your wit’s end!?

    Let Online Parent Support help you to end your frustration and start to build a mutually supportive and respectful relationship with your teenager - and still be in charge.

    Discover:
    • How to diffuse an especially explosive situation through humor, flexibility, and the ability to think outside the box
    • How to get your teen to communicate with you again, even if all he ever says anymore is "Nothing"
    • How to manage hot points such as clothes, driving, Internet, and other topics
    • How to understand the way your teenager perceives the world
    • What you should never say to your teen
    • Why your teenager needs you more than ever - even if he acts otherwise - find out more
    Do you need help with specific teenage issues? Issues like letting your teen know you care? Or monitoring their activities without breaking their trust? Or perhaps even stronger issues like alcohol, drugs, or “the wrong crowd”? Then Online Parent Support is exactly what you are looking for.

    Parenting adolescents can be extremely frustrating at times, but you are not alone.

    Although there is no magic bullet that will make teens act differently, you can achieve the same drastic change by learning how to deal with and approach your teenager in order to get the results you want.

    Author, Mark Hutten, M.A., writes from experience to help parents of teenagers like you. With each Instructional Video, Mark will help you look inside your teen's mind and gain perspective into their world, while giving you insight to the motivations behind their actions and behavior.

    After 20 years of performing home-based family therapy, Mark set out to understand the mind of the strong-willed, out-of-control teen in order to help parents create a better relationship with their teenagers. Not only did he get answers, he got results.

    Mark’s eBook entitled “My Out-of-Control Teen” is the all time best selling eBook in ClickBank, and his "live" seminars are widely acclaimed.

    The Impact of Divorce on Teenagers: A Closer Look

    Divorce, a challenging and often tumultuous life event, can dramatically reshape family dynamics. For teenagers, who are in a critical phase...