Adjustment Disorder

Work problems, getting married, going away to school, an illness — any number of life changes can cause stress. Most of the time, individuals adjust to such changes within a few months. But if you continue to feel down or self-destructive, you may have an Adjustment Disorder (AD).

An AD is a type of stress-related mental illness. You may feel anxious or depressed, or even have thoughts of suicide. You may not be able to go about some of your daily routines, such as work or seeing friends. Or you may make reckless decisions. In essence, you have a hard time adjusting to change in your life, and it has serious consequences.

You don't have to tough it out on your own, though. Treatment of an AD may help you regain your emotional footing. Most adults get better within just a few months, although teens may struggle longer. Treatment may also help prevent an AD from becoming a more serious problem.

Symptoms—

The signs and symptoms of ADs vary from person to person. The symptoms you have may be very different from those of someone else with an AD. But for everyone, symptoms of an AD begin within three months of a stressful event in your life.

Emotional symptoms of ADs-

Signs and symptoms of AD may affect how you feel and think about yourself or life, including:

• Anxiety
• Crying spells
• Desperation
• Difficulty concentrating
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Hopelessness
• Lack of enjoyment
• Nervousness
• Sadness
• Thoughts of suicide
• Trouble sleeping
• Worry

Behavioral symptoms of ADs-

Signs and symptoms of AD may affect your actions or behavior, such as:

• Avoiding family or friends
• Fighting
• Ignoring bills
• Poor school or work performance
• Reckless driving
• Skipping school
• Vandalism

Length of symptoms-

How long you have symptoms of an AD also can vary:

• Longer than six months (chronic). In these cases, symptoms continue to bother you and disrupt your life. Professional treatment can help symptoms improve and prevent the condition from continuing to get worse.
• Six months or less (acute). In these cases, symptoms may go away on their own, especially if you actively follow self-care measures.

When to see a doctor:

Sometimes the stressful change in your life goes away, and your symptoms of AD get better on their own. But often, the stressful event remains a part of your life. Or a new stressful situation comes up, and you face the same emotional struggles all over again.

You may think that an AD is less serious than other mental health problems because it involves stress, but that's not necessarily true. ADs can affect your whole life. You may feel so overwhelmed, stressed and hopeless that you can't go about your normal daily activities. You may skip work or school, for instance, or not pay your bills. You may drive dangerously or pick fights.

Individuals with ADs also may abuse alcohol or drugs, engage in violence, and have thoughts of suicide. If you or a loved one has suicidal thoughts or is seriously considering hurting someone, seek help immediately.

Talk to your doctor if you're having trouble getting through each day. You can get treatment to help cope better with stressful events and feel better about life again.

Causes—

Individuals of all ages are affected by ADs. Among kids and teens, both boys and girls have about the same chance of having AD. Among adults, women are twice as likely as men to have AD. But researchers are still trying to figure out what causes ADs. As with other mental disorders, the cause is likely complex and may involve genetics, your life experiences, your temperament and even changes in the natural chemicals in the brain.

Risk factors—

Although researchers don't know exactly what causes ADs, they do know some of the risk factors involved, or the things that make you more likely to have an AD.

Stressful events:

One or more stressful life events may put you at risk of developing AD. It may involve almost any type of stressful event in your life. Both positive and negative events can cause extreme stress. Some common examples include:

• Being diagnosed with a serious illness
• Death of a loved one
• Divorce or relationship breakup
• Financial problems
• Going away to school
• Having a baby
• Job loss
• Physical assault
• Problems in school
• Retirement
• Surviving a disaster

In some cases, individuals who face an ongoing stressful situation — such as living in a crime-ridden neighborhood — can reach a breaking point and develop an AD.

Your life experiences:

If you generally don't cope well with change or you don't have a strong support system, you may be more likely to have an extreme reaction to a stressful event.

Some studies also suggest that your risk of an AD is higher if you experienced stress in early childhood. Overprotective or abusive parenting, family disruptions and frequent moves early in life may make you feel like you're unable to control events in your life. When difficulties then arise, you may have trouble coping.

Other risk factors may include:

• Difficult life circumstances
• Exposure to wars or violence
• Other mental health problems

Complications—

Most individuals with AD get better within six months and don't have long-term complications. However, individuals who also have another mental health disorder, a substance abuse problem or a chronic AD are more likely to have long-term mental health problems, which may include:

• Alcohol and drug addiction
• Depression
• Suicidal thoughts and behavior

Compared with adults, teens with AD — especially chronic AD marked by behavior problems — are at significantly increased risk of long-term problems. In addition to depression, substance abuse and suicidal behavior, teens with AD are at risk of developing psychiatric illnesses such as:

• Antisocial personality disorder
• Bipolar disorder
• Schizophrenia

Preparing for an appointment—

If you or your youngster has thoughts of suicide, go to an emergency room or call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.

If you or your youngster has less urgent symptoms of an AD, make an appointment with your family doctor or your youngster's pediatrician. While ADs resolve on their own in most cases, your doctor may be able to recommend coping strategies or treatments that may help you or your youngster feel better sooner.

Here's some information to help you prepare for your appointment, and what to expect from your doctor.

What you can do:

• Make a list of your medical information, including other physical or mental health conditions with which you've been diagnosed. Also write down the names of any medications you're taking.
• Take a trusted family member or friend along, if you are the one with symptoms of AD. Sometimes it can be difficult to soak up all the information provided to you during an appointment. Someone who accompanies you may remember something that you missed or forgot.
• Write down any symptoms you've been experiencing, and for how long.
• Write down questions to ask your doctor in advance so that you can make the most of your appointment.
• Write down your key personal information, including any major stresses or recent life changes, both positive and negative. Even happy events such as getting married or adding a new youngster to your family can cause AD.

For AD, some basic questions to ask your doctor include:

• Are there any brochures or other printed material that I can take home with me? What Web sites do you recommend visiting?
• Are there any other possible causes?
• Do you recommend any temporary changes at home, work or school to encourage recovery?
• Do you recommend treatment? If yes, with what types of therapy?
• Does AD increase the risk of other mental health problems?
• How soon do you expect symptoms to improve?
• How will you determine the diagnosis?
• Is this condition likely temporary or chronic?
• Should a mental health specialist be consulted?
• Should school staff or work colleagues be made aware of this diagnosis?
• What do you believe is causing these symptoms?
• What will you recommend next if symptoms don't improve within a few months?

In addition to the questions that you've prepared to ask your doctor, don't hesitate to ask questions during your appointment at any time that you don't understand something.

What to expect from your doctor:

Being ready to answer your doctor's questions may save some time to go over any points you want to talk about in-depth.

You or your youngster should be prepared to answer the following questions from your doctor:

• Are you avoiding social or family events?
• Are you having trouble sleeping?
• Are you talking with friends or family about these changes?
• Do you drink alcohol or use illicit drugs? How often?
• Do you have difficulty finishing tasks at home, work or school that previously felt manageable to you?
• Have been having any problems at school or work?
• Have you been treated for other psychiatric symptoms or mental illness in the past? If yes, what type of therapy was most beneficial?
• Have you ever thought about harming yourself or others?
• Have you made any impulsive decisions or engaged in reckless behavior that doesn't seem like you?
• How often do you feel anxious or worried?
• How often do you feel sad or depressed?
• What are your symptoms?
• What major changes have recently occurred in your life, both positive and negative?
• What other symptoms or behaviors are causing you or your loved ones distress?
• When did you or your loved ones first notice your symptoms?

What you can do in the meantime:

While you're waiting for your doctor appointment, try reaching out to your friends or family. Talking about your feelings and asking for help is the most important thing you can do to aid your recovery from AD.

If your youngster has symptoms of an AD, try gently encouraging him or her to talk about feelings. Many parents assume that talking about a difficult change, such as divorce, will only make a youngster feel worse. But the opposite is true. Your youngster needs the opportunity to express feelings of grief, and to hear your reassurance that you'll remain a constant source of love and support.

Tests and diagnosis—

ADs are diagnosed based on signs and symptoms and a thorough psychological evaluation. To be diagnosed with AD, someone must meet criteria spelled out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This manual is published by the American Psychiatric Association and is used by mental health professionals to diagnose mental conditions and by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment.

For an AD to be diagnosed, several criteria must be met, including:

• An improvement of symptoms within six months of the stressful event coming to an end
• Experiencing distress that is in excess of what would normally be expected in response to the stressor or that causes significant problems in your relationships, at work or at school
• Having emotional or behavioral symptoms within three months of a specific stressor occurring in your life

Types of ADs:

Your health care provider may ask detailed questions about how you feel and how you spend your time. This will help him or her pinpoint which specific type of AD you have. There are six main types of ADs. Although they're all related, each type of AD has certain signs and symptoms.

The six types of AD are:

• AD unspecified. Symptoms don't fit the other types of ADs but often include physical problems, problems with family or friends, or work or school problems.
• AD with anxiety. Symptoms mainly include nervousness, worry, difficulty concentrating or remembering things, and feeling overwhelmed. Kids who have AD with anxiety may strongly fear being separated from their parents and loved ones.
• AD with depressed mood. Symptoms mainly include feeling sad, tearful and hopeless, and a lack of pleasure in the things you used to enjoy.
• AD with disturbance of conduct. Symptoms mainly involve behavioral problems, such as fighting, reckless driving or ignoring your bills. Youngsters may skip school or vandalize property.
• AD with mixed anxiety and depressed mood. Symptoms include a mix of depression and anxiety.
• AD with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct. Symptoms include a mix of depression and anxiety as well as behavioral problems.

Treatments and drugs—

Most individuals find treatment of AD helpful, and they're in treatment only for several months. Others may benefit from longer treatment, though. There are two main types of treatment for AD — psychotherapy and medications.

• Medications- In some cases, medications may help, too. Medications can help with such symptoms as depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications are the medications most often used to treat ADs. As with therapy, you may need medications only for a few months.

• Psychotherapy- The main treatment for ADs is psychotherapy, also called counseling or talk therapy. You may attend individual therapy, group therapy or family therapy. Therapy can provide emotional support and help you get back to your normal routine. It can also help you learn why the stressful event affected you so much. As you understand more about this connection, you can also learn healthy coping skills. These skills can help you weather other stressful events that may arise in your life.

Lifestyle and home remedies—

When you face a stressful event or major life change, you can take some steps to care for your emotional well-being. Do what works for you. Some examples include:

• Engaging in a hobby you enjoy
• Finding a support group geared toward your situation
• Finding support from a faith community
• Getting regular physical activity
• Sticking to a regular sleep routine
• Talking things over with caring family and friends
• Trying to keep eating a healthy diet

If it's your youngster who's having difficulty adjusting, you can help by:

• Letting your youngster make simple decisions, such as what to eat for dinner or which movie to watch
• Offering encouragement to talk about his or her feelings
• Offering support and understanding
• Reassuring your youngster that such reactions are common
• Touching base with your youngster's teacher to check on progress or problems at school

If you use these kinds of self-care steps but they don't seem to be helping, be sure to talk to your health care provider.

Prevention—

There are no guaranteed ways to prevent AD. But developing healthy coping skills and learning to be resilient may help you during times of high stress. Resilience is the ability to adapt well to stress, adversity, trauma or tragedy. Some of the ways you can improve your resilience are:

• Having a good support network
• Living a healthy lifestyle
• Seeking out humor or laughter
• Thinking positively about yourself

If you know that a stressful situation is coming up — such as a move or retirement — call on your inner strength in advance. Remind yourself that you can get through it. Use stress management and coping skills, such as exercise, yoga, meditation or even a night at the movies with friends. In addition, consider checking in with your health care or mental health care provider to review healthy ways to manage your stress.

Q and A—

What is an adjustment disorder (AD) and how does it occur?

There are six major adjustment disorders:

• Adjustment disorder unspecified
• Adjustment disorder with anxiety
• Adjustment disorder with depressed mood
• Adjustment disorder with disturbance of conduct
• Adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depressed mood
• Adjustment disorder with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct

What are the characteristics associated with an AD?

A person with AD often experiences feelings of depression or anxiety or combined depression and anxiety. As a result, that person may act out behaviorally against the "rules and regulations" of family, work, or society. In some individuals, an AD may manifest itself in such behaviors as skipping school, unexpected fighting, recklessness, or legal problems. Other individuals, however, instead of acting out, may tend to withdraw socially and isolate themselves during their adjustment problems. Still others may not experience behavioral disturbances, but will begin to suffer from physical illness. If someone is already suffering from a medical illness, that condition may worsen during the time of the AD. Individuals in the midst of ADs often do poorly in school or at work. Very commonly they begin to have more difficulty in their close, personal relationships.

Listed below are some of the characteristics associated with ADs:

1. A person with an AD with anxiety would experience anxious feelings, nervousness, and worry.
2. A person with an AD with depressed mood may have mostly a depressed mood, hopeless feelings, and crying spells.
3. A person with an AD with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct would have a mixture of emotional and conduct problems.
4. An individual with an AD with disturbance of conduct may act out inappropriately. This person may act out against society, skip school, or begin to have trouble with the police.
5. Someone with an AD with mixed anxiety and depressed mood would, obviously, have a mixture of anxious and depressed feelings.

At what age can an AD appear?

ADs can occur at any age. Individuals are particularly vulnerable during normal transitional periods such as adolescence, mid-life, and late life.

Do ADs affect males, females, or both?

In the United States the same number of males and females experience the various ADs.

How is an AD diagnosed?

A mental health professional makes a diagnosis of an AD by taking a careful personal history from the client/patient. It is important to the therapist to learn the details that surround the stressful event or events in that person's life. No laboratory tests are required to make a diagnosis of AD nor are there any physical conditions that must be met. However, it is very important for the therapist not to overlook a physical illness that might mimic or contribute to a psychological disorder. If there is any question whether the individual might have a physical problem, the mental health professional should recommend a complete physical examination by a medical doctor. Laboratory tests might be necessary as a part of the physical workup.

How is an AD treated?

Therapy can be very helpful to lessen or alleviate ongoing symptoms of AD before they become disabling. Group therapy can be useful to individuals who are enduring similar stress. In some situations the use of prescription medications can be very useful to ease the depression or the anxiety associated with AD.

How often does AD appear in the community?

AD is very common in the United States. More than five percent (5%) of all persons seen in clinical, outpatient mental health settings have some type of AD.

What can individuals do if they need help?

If you, a friend, or a family member would like more information and you have a therapist or a physician, please discuss your concerns with that person.

What happens to a person with an AD?

The conditions associated with AD develop within three months of the beginning of the stressful problem. An AD usually lasts no longer than three to six months. The condition may persist, however, if an individual is suffering from chronic stress such as that caused by an illness, a difficult relationship, or worsening financial problems.
By

Tips for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

"I have a daughter who has been a problem since the age of 15 …she is now 27yrs …has a 2yr old daughter …she dumped the child and went to stay with boyfriend …doesn’t even contribute a cent to this child and I find myself having to start all over again raising a child. I don’t like this situation, but I feel sorry for the child …what can I do in this situation?"

Click here for my response...
By

Adolescents in Trouble

Adolescents in Trouble: Criminal Behavior

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with criminal behavior in adolescents.

Websites—

·         American Bar Association Juvenile Justice Center - articles, pending legislation, and a nice annotated list of links related to juvenile justice.
·         Juvenile Justice - by the (U.S.) National Criminal Justice Reference Service
·         Juvenile Justice Clearinghouse - Many links including those to departments of juvenile justice by state.
·         U.S. Juvenile Justice Law - Legal Information Institute, Cornell law School

Information and Stats—

·         Kids and Firearms - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
·         Kids Who Steal - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
·         National Youth Gang Center - from the U.S. Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention
·         Office of Juvenile Justice Statistical Briefing Book - Facts and statistics published by this department.


Adolescents in Trouble: Substance Abuse

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with substance abuse.

Websites—


·          Prevention Online - by the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information
·         Addiction Search - gateway to reliable information on all aspects of addiction.

Hotlines—

Web of Addictions Rolodex - hotline and organization contact information.



Information & Stats—

·         Adolescent Substance Abuse Knowledge Base - identify drugs, signs and usage, and treatment & solutions.
·         ASH Home Web age - News articles, documents, and statistics from Action on Smoking and Health.
·         Center for Education and Drug Abuse Research -University of Pittsburgh
·         Kids of Alcoholics - another factsheet from the AACAP.
·         Making Decisions about Substance Abuse Treatment - by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
·         Adolescents: Alcohol and Other Drugs - factsheet from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

Recovery Programs—

·         Al-Anon / Alateen - "hope and help for families and friends of alcoholics".
·         Alcohol Anonymous - Web site of the international organization.
·         Cocaine Anonymous Home Page
·         Narcotics Anonymous - site of the World Service Office.
·         Self-Help Information Sources - A long list of sites from the Web of Addictions.


Adolescents in Trouble: Runaways

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with runaway behavior.

Websites—

·         Focus Adolescent Services - Community-based outreach program in Florida that offers information resources in addition to services for runaways and families.
·         National Center for Missing and Exploited Kids - This non-profit U.S. agency employs state-of-the-art technology to locate missing kids and adolescents.
·         National Runaway Switchboard - Volunteer organization which provides confidential help to runaways and their families, as well as information and educational services.
·         Runaway Lives - Personal stories about the runaway experience and discussion by runaways and their families.
·         Team Hope provides one-on-one support to moms/dads of missing kids through a volunteer network of moms/dads who have survived the experience. The website also offers a wealth of information on abduction, runaways, Internet enticement, etc.

Missing Kids Sites—

Cyberpage's Missing Kids Page - Lists kids missing and contact information.

Information & Stats—

·         Covenant House: For Moms/dads: Youngster Missing? - Steps to take if your youngster is discovered missing.
·         Health Needs of Homeless and Runaway Youth: A Position Paper of the Society for Adolescent Medicine - from the Journal of Adolescent Health: 1992;13:717-726.
·         Helping Runaway and Homeless Youth Grow up Safe and Secure - Remarks by U.S Secretary of Health and Human Services, Donna Shalala at the National Network for Youth Annual Conference, Washington, D.C., February 8, 1999
·         Sourcebook of Criminal Justice Statistics - Runaways - U.S. statistics from the Department of Justice.
·         Teen Runaways, PBS Newshour transcript, May 14, 1996 - Rod Minott of KCTS-Seattle reports on how Washington State deals with teenage runaways.
·         The Iowa Legislative Report - Details Iowa's legislation which encourages counties to establish runaway assessment and treatment programs.
·         When Your Youngster Is Missing: A Family Survival Guide - Informative and sensitive site for moms/dads written (with assistance from law enforcement and youth service professionals) by moms/dads who have experienced the trauma of a missing youngster.

Hotlines—

·         Youngster Find of America, Inc. (New York)-phone 1-800-a-way-out
·         National Missing Kids's Locate Center (Oregon)-phone 1-800-999-7846
·         National Runaway Switchboard - phone 1-800-621-4003


Travel & Communication Services—

·         Guardian Youth Escort Service
·         Contact-A-Runaway - fee-based message service for runaways and moms/dads.
·         "Home Free" Bus Service - Greyhound Lines, in conjunction with the National Runaway Switchboard, will provide free one way transportation for runaway kids returning home through its "Home Free" program.

Prevention & Intervention—

·         Youngster Find Alberta - "... providing the citizens of Alberta with programs for prevention, intervention, location and recovery, and postvention/follow up."
·         Operation Go Home- Canadian organization dedicated to reuniting runaways with their families or matching them with agencies which can provide help. Educational materials are also available.
·         The Runaway Game - "Choose-your-own-adventure" style hypertext novel with 20 different endings designed to help adolescents understand the realities of life as a runaway. At the end of each chapter, readers make choices which lead to different scenarios.
·         Understanding and Preventing Teenage Runaways - advice a clinical psychologist.
·         Youth Crisis Center of Jacksonville, Florida - one community's response to the problem of runaways includes the SAFE PLACE program begun in 1986.


Adolescents in Trouble: Suicide

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with suicidal behavior.

Websites—

·         Mental Health Net: Suicide
·         Open Directory: Teen Suicide



Hotlines—

·         Samaritans Online - Email and U.K./Ireland telephone support service.
·         Suicide Crisis Center - U.S. suicide hotlines.
·         Suicide Helplines - Worldwide list of hotlines.



Information and Stats—

·         HaveAHeart Homepage: A Rest Stop for the Depressed and Suicidal - Thoughtful discussion of suicidal feelings and how to cope with them by Stephen L. Bernhardt.
·         Healing of Nations - The wisdom of Native American traditions speaks to us all at this unique site. "Site index and resources" includes practical information and many relevant links.
·         SA\VE Home Page - Brief informative articles on many facets of suicide, a booklist, and statistics sources.
·         Suicide Prevention - Myths and facts offered by the University of Illinois Counseling Center.
·         Teen Suicide - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry


Adolescents in Trouble: Other Mental Disorders

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with mental disorders in adolescents.

Specialized Search Engines and Directories—

PsychCrawler - Search for info at the American Psychological Association site, the National Institute of Health, and seven other authoritative sites.

Websites—

·         Internet Mental Health
·         School Psychology Resources Online - Includes many links to sites about specific disorders.

Specific Disorder Sites—

·         Depression Resource Center

Information—

·         American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry: Facts for Families - Very informative fact sheets in English and Spanish covering a wide range of adolescent and family problems, their treatment, and coping strategies.


Adolescents in Trouble: Eating Disorders

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with eating disorders in adolescents.

Websites—

·         Anorexic Web - Very thoughtful, personal, and honest site is maintained by an eating disorders counselor who is also a recovering anorexic.
·         Caring Online: offers a wide variety of resources dealing with all aspects of eating disorders, including support and personal stories.
·         International Eating Disorder Referral Organization - Provides information and treatment resources for all forms of eating disorders.
·         The Something Fishy Website on Eating Disorders - excellent informative site

Hotlines and Discussion Groups—

·         Something Fishy: Online Support - includes online chats, bulletin boards, support groups, and email newsletters.

Information and Stats—

·         Adolescents with Eating Disorders - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
·         Eating Disorder Recovery: Information & Links - Informative and encouraging site with a focus on therapy by a licensed psychotherapist.
·         Athletes with Eating Disorders - Factsheets on all aspects by Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disoarders, Inc.


Adolescents in Trouble: Learning Disorders

Links to sites providing information helpful in understanding, preventing, and coping with eating disorders in adolescents.

Websites—

·         About.com: Learning Disabilities
·         LD Resources
·         Learning Disabilities -American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
·         The Instant Access Treasure Chest Guide to Learning Disabilities

Information—

·         The Buros Institute of Mental Measurements
·         Special Education Legal Rights Strategies and Resources
·         Math Learning Disabilities
·         Deaf Kids with Learning Disabilities
·         Kids Who Can't Pay Attention - American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
·         CH.A.D.D. - Kids and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder
·         About Learning Disabilities - Facts and myths from the Child Development Institute.

 

Adolescents in Trouble: Talk with Other Moms/dads

Newsgroups, Discussion Lists, Bulletin Boards & Chats—

·         alt.parenting.solutions
·         alt.moms/dads-adolescents
·         Forum One - Search engine for over 280,000 message boards and other online discussions.
·         Google Groups - Search this massive index of Internet discussion groups and post messages.
·         KidSource Online Forums
·         KMH-L - Discussion list for moms/dads and professionals discussing mental health issues in kids and adolescents.
·         Liszt Directory of E-mail Discussion Groups - Search for a discussion list on a topic.
·         Parenting-L
·         The Parenting Chat
·         Tile.net/Lists - Similar to Liszt Directory above.

By

Teaching Adult Children To Be Independent

Your adult child just graduated from college. He isn’t sure he knows what to do, and he is asking you for money every few weeks. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? 

Here are some tips to help your adult child be more independent:

Be There— While I am not recommending that you are there with open wallet any time your adult child has a financial crisis, you can and need to be there to listen and offer advice where it is required. Helping your adult child out by listening and providing emotional support is just as important and better for them in the long run.

Remember back to your own early days out on your own. It may have been hard, you may have “borrowed” an awful lot shampoo from your roommate, but you survived it, and your adult child will too.

Gone, but Not Gone— What about the adult child who IS out on her own, but is still relying on mom and dad for financial assistance? Perhaps the job doesn’t pay enough for rent, utilities, car payment, and insurance. Continuing to pay for things like car and health insurance can actually help the adult child out in the long run; lower premiums and deductibles are in place when an young adult remains on the parents’ policies. (Of course, some companies - mostly health insurance companies - require that the adult child be enrolled in college full-time. It’s worth the effort to check this out!) If she can’t afford to pay the premiums, then she might be able to work it off – painting her old room, helping take care of grandma’s yard, cleaning out the garage, etc.

The important thing is to remember that you are trying to teach financial independence and responsibility, not bank-roll her life. It’s supposed to be hard, at first. She doesn’t have to live in a posh apartment complex, just a safe one. He doesn’t need all new furniture; something clean, serviceable, and not hideous is all that’s required in the beginning.

Have a Game Plan— In an ideal world, when adult child graduates from college, she is ready to claim a place in society. An apartment, a job, car, and understanding of fiscal responsibilities are all necessary to cope as an independent adult child. However, most of us don’t live in an ideal world, and due to any number of possible circumstances, your adult child isn’t quite able to face these challenges with confidence and independence. What to do? Well, first of all, unless you want a 35-year-old daughter taking up space years from now when you’re ready to retire, you’ve got to make a plan.

Some people may subscribe to the “Tough Love” approach – that is, no more money from parents once he’s got that diploma is his hot little hand. A bit ruthless, maybe, but chances are if you’re reading this, it’s not the option for you or your newly independent adult child. You do, however, see the benefit of weaning her from your bank account before she gives you grandchildren, so a plan is definitely in order.

Move It On Out— In addition to this financial meeting, you also need to decide how long your welcome mat will be out. Discuss with your adult child how long he feels the need to continue living at home. For many individuals, the idea of having to pay bills to one’s mother and father is enough of an impetus to get us out the door. For others, though, it’s not, and some incentive (like a deadline, not a cash reward!) is required.

The Small Stuff— If you’re going to help your adult child learn to do things on his own, a “small stuff” approach may be the answer. If he hasn’t gotten his “dream job”, encourage him to get a job that can at least pay the bills while he’s looking. If he’s still living at home, charging rent, a portion of the utilities and part of the grocery bill is appropriate. Sit down together with your wife (or girlfriend) and decide AHEAD OF TIME what you want your adult child to pay for. These expenses are not negotiable; present them to him as ironclad.

Flexibility in what he pays for will not teach him anything. The landlord of his first apartment will not care whether or not he had enough hours on the clock this month to make her rent. Once you’ve decided on the minimum requirements, sit down together and go over your expectations. Make sure to present your offer in a rational manner. YOU are the owner of the house. YOU are in charge. And it is your duty to help this adult child get out on his own.

==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents of Defiant Teens
By

File Charges Against Your Own Daughter?!

Five days ago I found several receipts where my 17 yo daughter (will be 18 in 3 mos.) has used my debit card to take money from our bank account. I also found a check where she forged my husband’s name. She admitted to it. We told her we were either going to send her away to get help for this and all the other problems she is involved in OR that we were going to file charges against her.

She emailed us after the confrontation (where we both remained poker faced). She begged not to be sent away, acknowledged that she needed to changed, and took verbal responsibility for her actions and apologized for blaming us for her behavior. Yeah, very heartwarming, but as you say, and as I already know: THEY LIE.

Now my husband has changed his mind and does not want to follow thru with filing charges. He does not want to get involved in the "system". My heart does not want to put her thru the ordeal of filing charges etc., but my intellect says she must face the consequences and that it is better to face them now as a juvenile rather than LATER as an adult.

SO.......is getting involved with the "system" the best consequence or should we do a 3 day grounding and have her work at home to pay us back for the money she spent (~$100)....or both?......or something else? (By the way....last night she took my husband’s cell phone---she currently has no cell phone privileges---and she ran up 50 text messages...and of course WE pay for that service so that is AGAIN what I consider stealing).

Click here for my response...
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Interview with Mark Hutten, M.A. [Parent Coach]

Question 1: 
 
In what way do parenting and parent-child relationships differ from late childhood (age 10-11 years) through mid-adolescence (15 years)?

Although moms are less involved in kid's school activity as they grow older, kids feel their parents continue to provide school support in other ways. Moms & dads of older kids do not report different parenting practices than parents of younger kids. Nonetheless, as they grow older, kids feel the quality of their relationship with parents declines. Older kids report that their moms & dads understand them less and that they argue with parents significantly more. Older kids feel their moms & dads are less warm and more rejecting, and feel less at ease confiding in their moms and their dads than younger kids. 

Question 2: 

How do child adjustment and social relationships change over this period?

Age changes in social relationships were consistent across the two samples. Smoking, alcohol use and affiliation with peers who use drugs increase with age whereas self-esteem decreases. Older kids are less likely to use helmets and seat belts than younger kids. The quality of sibling relationships remains stable, but older kids have more positive relationships with friends than younger kids. Older kids are less victimized by others and feel safer around school than younger kids. 

Question 3: 

Do parenting practices, parent-child relationships and child adjustment differ for males and females during this period of development?

Moms & dads report similar practices in parenting sons and daughters. Nonetheless, females perceive their moms & dads as less rejecting and warmer than males. Males and females are equally at ease confiding in their moms, but females confide less in their dads than males. 
 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Question 4: 

Do effective parenting practices contribute to a positive parent-child relationship and, in turn, to healthy child development?

Harsher parenting (more yelling and use of physical punishment, less reasoning) leads kids to feel their moms & dads are more rejecting and cold toward them. How kids perceive their relationship with their moms & dads is related to child adjustment. Kids who enjoy a more positive relationship with their moms & dads are more likely to invest in school, to use seat belts and helmets, and to experience fewer serious injuries. They have higher self-esteem, feel less depressed and are less anxious. Kids who perceive their moms & dads as more rejecting are more likely to smoke and use alcohol; they are more aggressive, bully others more, commit more property offenses and affiliate more with deviant friends. They are also more likely to be victimized by others. 

Question 5:

 Do parenting practices influence child adjustment differently for females versus males or for younger versus older kids?

Overall, females are less aggressive, commit fewer property offenses, bully others less and are less often victimized by others than males. Moreover, although females have lower self-esteem and more internalizing problems, they have better relationships with friends, are more pro-social and are more involved in school than males. Nonetheless, the impact of parenting practices on females and males is similar. Parenting is also associated with adjustment in younger and older kids in similar ways. That is, for both females and males of all ages, angry, arbitrary parenting (i.e. low use of reasoning) is associated with a poorer parent-child relationship (i.e. child perceptions of moms & dads as less warm and more rejecting) which in turn is associated with poor child adjustment. 

Question 6: 

Do the influences of parenting and/or the quality of the parent-child relationship differ in social contexts traditionally thought to put kids at risk for maladjustment?

Although few social contexts (i.e. maternal education, family income, maternal employment and single-parent family) directly affect child adjustment, some influence the quality of parent-child relationships. Kids of moms with less education and kids in families with lower income tend to perceive their relationships with their moms & dads more negatively. These negative perceptions in turn are associated with poorer adjustment. Maternal employment and single-parent status do not affect child adjustment independent of parenting and the parent-child relationship. 

Question 7: 

Is there evidence that relationships with moms and dads differ in their contribution to adjustment?

Daughters and sons feel equally at ease confiding in their moms, but daughters confide less in their dads than sons. Kids who feel comfortable confiding in their dads are better adjusted in a number of ways. 

Question 8: 

Is adolescence naturally a period of strife and storm?

A vulnerability to negative health outcomes increases between late childhood and mid-adolescence. Adolescence is a challenging developmental period. Transition to high school is frequently associated with increased vulnerability to low self-esteem and feelings of incompetence, combined with greater risk for depression and antisocial behavior. Engagement in some types of delinquent activity is normative during adolescence and may be related to adolescent exploration of social rules and norms. Social pressures on teens to conform to peer group expectations also contribute to engagement in delinquent activity.
 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Most teens do not suffer from significant negative health outcomes. The quality of parent-child relationships plays an important role in adolescent adjustment. Secure attachment is important in providing a safe haven during times of stress and in promoting exploration during times of growth. Evidence shows that secure attachment buffers teens from the stress associated with transitions such as high school entry. Teens benefit from parental accessibility for emotional support, structure and monitoring regarding their engagement in delinquent behavior and their association with peers who support this behavior. 

Question 9: 

In what ways do moms & dads contribute to healthy adolescent development?

Parenting practices are an important determinant of adjustment in late childhood and adolescence. Moms & dads who use harsh discipline are perceived by their kids as cold and more rejecting. Kids who perceive their moms & dads as cold and more rejecting suffer from a wide range of poorer adjustment outcomes, including aggression, bullying, property offenses, smoking and alcohol use.

Teens need to feel that their moms & dads are engaged and supportive of them. Teens are more independent than kids in many aspects of their lives. Nonetheless, parents should support their teens by remaining psychologically available to them while, at the same time, fostering their autonomy. Specific parenting skills include warmth, acceptance of individuality, active listening, behavior monitoring, limit setting and negotiation. 

Question 10: 

Do moms and dads each play important roles in promoting healthy child adjustment?

The data limited how deeply we could investigate the unique roles of moms and dads in determining the adjustment of their kids. Nonetheless, our findings point out that dads play an important role in child adjustment, but that females find it harder than males to confide in their dads. If families can take steps to support the relationship between dads and daughters, females may benefit from this. 

Question 11: 

Is the influence of parenting on child adjustment the same in high- versus low-risk contexts? Do some factors like poverty and maternal employment cause poor child adjustment independent of what moms & dads do?

Many moms & dads worry that their child may suffer because of low family income or maternal employment. Our findings show that the impact of risk factors like low income and low maternal education on child adjustment is related in large part to how these risk factors influence parenting practices. 

Question 12: 

Are females or males more vulnerable during adolescence? Do moms & dads need to use different strategies in parenting their daughters versus their sons?

Some differences in child adjustment were observed between females and males. Nonetheless, the impact of parenting was similar for females and males. Effective parenting produces positive outcomes for both females and males alike.
 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting is important for adjustment in adolescence. A common misperception in society is that adolescence is a time of moving toward detachment from moms & dads. Many moms & dads believe that because the amount of time that teens spend with their families decreases dramatically, parents no longer matter and have little effect on how their teens function. Our findings show that although parent-child relationships undergo transformation during adolescence, the adjustment of teens depends in good measure on the quality of their relationships with their moms & dads. Moms & dads need to recognize the continued importance of their relationship with their teens, despite the changes that occur in the nature of their interactions.

Recommendations for parents:
  • Teens need to feel that their moms & dads are engaged and supportive of them. Teens are more independent than kids in many aspects of their lives. Nonetheless, they require ongoing parental support in terms of moms & dads remaining open to communication and responsive if help is needed, while, at the same time, fostering adolescent autonomy. Specific parenting skills include warmth, acceptance of individuality, active listening, behavior monitoring, limit setting and negotiation.
  • Kids are more vulnerable to adjustment problems in adolescence than in childhood. Moms & dads need to anticipate that their adolescent requires increased support during periods of transition, such as entry into high school.
  • Obviously, adolescent adjustment is also determined by factors outside the family and the parent-child relationship. Even though moms & dads may only indirectly affect how peers, romantic partners and other social influences determine the adjustment of their kids, moms & dads' support through the stressful challenges of adolescence remains important.
  • Moms & dads need to recognize the continued importance of their relationship with their teens. Although the parent-child relationship undergoes transformation during adolescence, the adjustment of teens depends in good measure on the quality of their relationship with their moms & dads.
  • Parents need to recognize the special role of dads in supporting the well-being of their kids. Dads' increased psychological support of daughters may be particularly beneficial to them.
    •  
    ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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    A quote from an interview with Mark Hutten [Psychology Today]

    “Strong-willed, out-of-control children will rehabilitate themselves when they are ready, and not a minute sooner. They will change their behavior when – and only when – they choose to. The job of parents is not to get children to obey. It is to simply teach them that responsible behavior results in one sort of consequence while irresponsible behavior results in quite another. Oppositional, defiant kids refuse to accept this fundamental reality until they are forced to experience a significant degree of discomfort related to their poor choices. Discomfort comes from parents’ implementation of tough love – and unfortunately, tough love is often tougher on the parent than the child, especially if the parent has adopted an over-indulgent parenting style over the years.” 

    My Out-of-Control Teen
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