She had the most amazing temper tantrum...

Hi Mark, Another question from Australia (I have SO many questions)! M__ and I are in the process of starting up some chores and allowing A__ to earn some money from the non-mandatory ones. We thought we'd have a rule where the mandatory ones had to be done first and then there would be the capacity to earn money from other chores. If the mandatory ones are not done, then there is no pocket money for the week. Is this OK? Can we put a caveat on her spending like no lollies, fizzy drinks or junk food-her behavior is so much worse if she has these things-she can buy books, toys clothes or save some for example?

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re: "Granddaughter is possessed by a demon?"

Dear Mark. On trying your technique for my granddaughter B__, my daughter found some good responses - as I previously mentioned. However, after a couple of weeks B__ got worse, far worse. Now she simply takes off and we don’t hear from her for days. Although only 14 she gets around seemingly without money. My daughter has taken all her clothes from her so she cannot go out, but even then B__ finds something and clears out. She has become more violent with her mother. Currently, B__ has been at large for two days with only the bare clothes she was in and without money.

We have had the police looking for her on the previous occasion and probably will have to do the same again. My daughter took B__ to the police station where B__ was given a real dressing-down, but she refused to look the officer in the eye and during the time she turned and said to her mother, “I f.....-well hate you.” I understand that this type of behaviour is becoming frequent around Australia, especially with young girls in that age bracket. I don’t know much about this, but if someone said to me that B__ is possessed by a demon, I could well think that true. Do you have any comments on the above? My compliments. ~ A.C.

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Hi A.,

When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, some children may respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. Some do run away. If this occurs, parents should defuse the situation, but NOT threaten or challenge the child.

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For example: Daughter, you know that I cannot control you. And if you really want to run away from home, I cannot stop you. I cannot watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because I love you, I cannot stand by and watch you hurt yourself by _______________ (e.g., not going to school, using drugs or alcohol, destroying house property), and running away from home will not solve the problem. You and I know it will only make matters worse.

Teens who run away are not bad. They have made a bad decision. They got themselves caught up in pressures that they felt the need to escape from. Instead of facing their problem and solving it, they chose to run from it. We need to teach our teen how to face their problems, even if the problem is us. When they have the right tools to fix some of the things that may be going on in their lives, the pressure lessens, and there is no more need for them to escape.

Every teen either has tried or knows another teen who has run away. I haven't met a teen yet who didn't know of someone's experience of running away. This can be a real problem, considering most teens will glamorize the experience.

Parents of teens who run away are not bad parents. You cannot lock them in. As much as you would like to build a wall around them, it is their choice whether or not to walk out the door.

If your teens runs:

• Call the Police, IMMEDIATELY! Don't wait 24 hours, do it right away.
• Ask investigators to enter your child into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) Missing Persons File. There is no waiting period for entry into NCIC for children under age 18. You should have something like this in Australia.
• Get the name and badge number of the officer you speak with.
• Call back often.
• Call everyone your child knows and enlist their help.
• Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
• Search your teens room for anything that may give you a clue as to where he went.
• You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls they may have made recently.

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When your teen comes home:

Take a break from each other. Do not start talking about it right away. Your emotions are too high at this point to get anywhere in a conversation. Go two separate directions until you both have gotten some rest.

Ask and Listen. Why did they leave? You may want to evaluate a rule or two after speaking with them, but do not do so while having this talk. Tell them you are willing to think about it, and you will let them know.

Tell them how you felt about them going. Let them know that they hurt you by leaving. Let them know that there isn't a problem that can't solve. If they ever feel that running away might solve something, have them talk to you first. You could always offer other choices, so they can make a better decision.

Get some help. If this isn't the first time or you have problems communicating when they get back, it's time to ask for help. This could be a person that your child respects (e.g., an aunt or uncle), or you may want to seek professional help.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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He has become desperate when he wants to do something and does not have access to a car or cell phone...

Hi S.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email.

Dear Mark

First off, thank-you for your ongoing support. In reading the letters you get from parents, it is amazing to me that you respond to each individual question. It is clear that you really believe in what you are doing.

You told me to toughen up lately and I have…believe me.

Our situation is that our son has had his car taken away due to skipping classes at school and most recently his cell phone was canceled, as we currently pay for it and his bills have doubled the last few months. He has become desperate when he wants to do something and does not have access to a car or cell phone. (You know, the Boredom thing). He does not have a job so has to do chores for money and that is a struggle.

Question: How do I respond to my son when I tell him no to making an exception to a consequence and he calls me a dumb bitch, and “am I not embarrassed to be the stupidest person alive” ect.......? I currently put on my poker face and tell him that he does not need to speak to me this way, however, this does not stop him from doing this on a daily basis. Is there a better way for me to handle this? He always apologizes after and says he doesn’t mean it, but the behavior continues.

== > Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (in this case, to stop calling you a “dumb bitch”), which is located in the Anger Management Chapter (online version of the eBook).

Question: I know it is not healthy to resent him, and I don’t, however, when he yells profanity at me and then ten minutes later, asks what I am doing today as if nothing happened, how would you suggest I respond? I am confused to the message I should be sending.

==> His yelling, profanity and name-calling need a consequence. Refer to the strategy listed above.

Question: He is constantly telling me his friends do not have things taken away and that he is the laughing stock of the school as he has had his car and cell phone taken away. Of course, I know that he is aware of the consequences for his actions as we have a contract with him. I am sure he does not tell his friends the full story. How do I respond to his comparison to friends and other families without nagging or repeating myself?

== > I wouldn’t respond at all. I could be wrong here, but I’m getting the impression (given your questions) that your son is continuing to successfully push your buttons / get a reaction out of you / get you to engage in “debate” / get your intensity. Simply issue the consequence, then put on your poker face and either ignore him – or take a time out from him in some shape, form or fashion.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

She has walked out again even though I said that she was grounded...

Hi Mark, We seemed to be moving along ok (not great) in the last few weeks. About 3 Saturdays ago, my daughter went out (with permission) but never came home until 7 am the next morning. She was not contactable on the phone (claims her mobile phone battery was dead) and we had no idea where she was. We called her boyfriend, George, and even he didn't know her whereabouts. 

 I believe they had a fight and this is usually how these incidents start. She was grounded for 3 days, which didn't work because she refuses to comply with the grounding. It ends up being a joke because whenever we say that it will start from day 1 if it is not adhered to, she just scoffs at us. We then took away all her clothes and make up but she started coming in and taking my stuff. I tried to put away as much as I could so she started getting things from her friends.

Last night (Saturday) she was at her boyfriend's house. His father has told her not to come there so he rang me as soon as she showed up. He has told her repeatedly not to go there and has asked me to keep her away. She does not respect anybody's wishes. Anyway, I went over to pick her up. I started talking to George and she slipped out the door and we couldn't find her. She spoke to George on the phone but wouldn't tell him where she was. 

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 So really, nothing happened except that she was found out. She refused to answer my calls all night and then her phone was off because she says her battery died. We've told her many times in the past, just let us know where you are and who you're and we need to know what time you'll be back. She finally came back at 2.20 am. This morning when we said we wanted to talk to her, she was rude and just said "get over it" and walked off. She has been grounded for 3 days with no phone and computer privileges as well.

She promised that she would never do this again. She has walked out again even though I said that she was grounded and if she left then it will have to start from day 1 again. She kept walking without looking back. She refuses to take any responsibility for her bad behaviour. We have tried the assignments and it seems to get better but then when things don't go how she wants them to, she starts up again.

What is the next step? She never lets us know where she is or whom she's with. She's 16 but seems to only hang around with older boys who have cars. Every time I ask her what time she'll be back, she always says, I'll be back when I'm back. I don't know because I don't know what I'll be doing. When I say, then I'll tell you that I expect you to be back at this time, she never comes back at that time. She just doesn't care.

Please advise what we do next. Thank you, J.

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Hi J.,

As adults, we have learned to face whatever problems are before us and meet them head on in an attempt to solve them. However, teens may not have that skill and may feel overwhelmed, scared or confused. Running away is an attempt at resolving or escaping from some problem. Finding out what that problem is offers the first and most important step in preventing a teen from leaving home by running away.

Teens may use running away as a means of getting attention, resolving an argument or even as an attempt to make their parents feel guilty or scared. Yet, too often parents take light of what their teen states regarding running away. If your child is threatening to run away, take time to consider what the underlying problem might be. If your teen threatens to run away, don't be intimidated. Let her know that you’ll call the police and speak to each and every one of her friends’ parents in order to find her. Let her know that you will do whatever you have to do to get her back – no matter where she goes.

What you don't do in trying to prevent a teen from running away is almost as important as what you should do. As teens have usually already made up their minds regarding what they feel they must do, the next steps taken can often be critical. Telling your teen to go ahead and run away because you know they will be back or telling them that their reason for wanting to run away is not a very good one are two things you do not want to do. As there are too many dangers in today's society to take a chance that a teen may not make it back home makes the theory of reverse psychology very risky.

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If you tell your child that their reason for wanting to run away is not valid, you’re missing the point. Your child evidently thought it was a good reason. It is better to listen to your child's concerns and take appropriate steps to solve those concerns. In addition, personal attacks on your child's character – stating that they will never amount to anything if they think they can just run away from their problems – will add to his/her resentment. Criticize the behavior, not the whole being of the person.

Explain the dangers of running away. Although most teens will come home after a short period of time on their own, there are some that do not – or cannot. Use news reports of runaway children as an opportunity to teach ahead of time how serious and dangerous running away from home is. Don't worry that you might give your child ideas she otherwise wouldn't have – you won't.

Share how you feel about running away. Use statements such as: “Most kids don’t run away from home, but when they do, it is often because there is a serious problem at home, and the child does not believe he can talk things over with a parent. I want you to understand you can always talk to me. And I want you to understand that running away is very dangerous.”

When a teen threatens to run away it may not be in spite, in anger or in retaliation – it may just be the only solution the teen can find for an undisclosed problem. Talking about the reasons why a teen may want to leave the security of their home may offer insight into how to keep them there – safe and sound.

If your child does bring up the concern, take it seriously and empathize when appropriate. Knowing the underlying cause of the situation leading up to the want to run away from home can help a parent prevent it from happening.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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What the Future Holds for Oppositional Defiant Teens

Hello again Mark, Things are going significantly better... We have been trying your 3-part mantra: poker face, repeat the rule/plan/consequence, no emotion. Not always successfully, but better every day. I'm still very much grieving the child I will never have and would welcome ideas about how to move through this. But, my bigger question for today is, what is the outlook for teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder as they move into adulthood? I'm especially concerned that my son is in for a life of turbulent and broken relationships and will likely have trouble holding a job. I guess I do have another question. Upon receiving his grade card today for the end of his sophomore year, our son declared that he is not a good match for public school and that he will not be going to school in the fall (reminder that his IQ is in the 140s, he scored 32 on the ACT as a sophomore but also has ADD and dysgraphia). Could it be that in his case he really isn't ever going to "succeed" in the system we call public school? And, what is an appropriate response when our child says he wants to quit school? As always, thank you.

Click here for the answer...

Our son still has days where he refuses to get up and go to school...

Hi Mark, We've been following your programme for the last 4 weeks and things are improving. Thank you. Our son still has days where he refuses to get up and go to school. We implement the discipline by cutting of his cell phone, no TV or computer for three days. However he still goes to his girl friend who lives 3 mins walk from us (after school). By saying he cannot go out, is this correct, or is it like the dishes being broken in the sink scenario? (More consequences on top on the 3 day discipline.) Also can he earn back his privilege of going out on sat night? We are on track so I don't want to rock the boat and start bending the rules. Thanks for your guidance. Regards, L.

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Hi L.,

Re: By saying he cannot go out, is this correct, or is it like the dishes being broken in the sink scenario?

The clock starts over whenever a child (a) repeats the original offense (e.g., returns home after a curfew time of 10:00 PM), or (b) violates the one-day, two-day, or three-day discipline (e.g., does not stay grounded, uses the cell phone, etc).

Your son is violating the three-day discipline. He should be in the house at 3:00 PM (for example). If he does not return home from school by that time – or if he leaves the house to go over to his girlfriend’s house, the clock starts over. If he chooses to ignore the 3-day-discipline, then he chooses a 7-day-discipline. If he refuses the 7-day-discipline, then you will need to tell him that the police will be called and a run away complaint will be filed.

Parents who refuse to go these extra steps are not really working the program and do not receive the success they had hoped for.

No half measures!

Re: Also can he earn back his privilege of going out on sat night?

Once a privilege is taken away, it should never be returned until the child completes the entire time period of the discipline.

Mark

P.S. Sometimes "tough love" is tougher on the parents than the child.

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I miss my little girl!

My daughter is 13 years old. Her father and I are divorced, we are doing our best to co-parent but it is very difficult. She lives with her father.

I miss my little girl! She is disrespectful to me and her father, uses vulgar language, she makes the "plans" for the weekend. When I tell her we are going to go do something she always says she can't because she has plans with her friends. I have lost all control of her and she runs the show.

How can we, her parents, regain the respect? We want to be good parents but we have had that taken away from us by a 13 year old girl.

Please contact me.

Thank-You for your time,

S.T.

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Hi S.,

I really want to do whatever will be in your best interest. Thus, the best advice I can give you at this point (since you just joined yesterday) is to simply work through the four-week program. Only do one session per week – nothing more! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly, it will backfire.

I’m not trying to avoid answering your questions. However, since the question you listed in your email will be answered directly in the eBook (mostly in the Online Version), and since the program is designed to take baby-steps toward change, I would encourage you to resist your impulse to leap through the program in search of the “magic bullet.” Instead, enjoy the process of working through each session – one session at a time. The results you so desperately desire will come independent of your striving for them. Patience is “key” right now.

Rest assured, you WILL get the answers you need to be successful with this program, but when the timing is right. I want to save you from rushing into things, and then failing. Are you o.k. with this for now?

Your daughter is 13-years-old -- it has taken 13 years for the problems to get to this point. So it is going to take at least a few weeks to get the problems reversed.

We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don’t like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast. (This isn’t to say that you won’t notice any improvements in your child’s behavior fairly quickly though.)

As you work through the program, email me as needed for clarification about the strategies outlined in the eBook. Then after the four-week program (after you have digested most of the material), email me as often as needed with specific questions regarding any parent-child difficulty you may still be struggling with.

Waiting to hear back,

Mark

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Dear Mark,

Thank-you for the advice. I purchased the ebook and the CD's. I went through part of the first session last night. Her father did too, he took the over indulgence quiz and scored a 70. He had our daughter "help" him with the questions. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I am taking the quiz now.

I appreciate your feedback and will take baby steps with this program.

I have a paper fortune from a fortune cookie taped to my monitor that reads "Good things come to those who wait. Be patient." It now means more to me than ever!

Sincerely,

S.

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Hi S.,

Thank you for being a good student. We will work together over the next several weeks/months as needed.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen