What Oppositional Defiant Disorder May Look Like Throughout Childhood

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is defined as a recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that persists for at least 6 months. Behaviors included in the definition are as follows:

• refusing to follow rules
• losing one's temper
• deliberately annoying other people
• blaming others for one's own mistakes or misbehavior
• being touchy, easily annoyed or angered
• being resentful, spiteful, or vindictive
• arguing with grown-ups
• actively defying requests

Here’s what ODD looks like throughout childhood:

Preschool—

• family instability, including economic stress, parental mental illness, harshly punitive behaviors, inconsistent parenting practices, multiple moves, and divorce, may also contribute to the development of oppositional and defiant behaviors
• temperamental factors, such as irritability, impulsivity, and intensity of reactions to negative stimuli, may contribute to the development of a pattern of oppositional and defiant behaviors in later childhood
• when the parent punishes the youngster, the youngster learns to respond to threats
• when the mother or father fails to punish the youngster, the youngster learns that he or she does not have to comply
• the youngster's defiant behavior tends to intensify the parents' harsh reactions
• moms and dads respond to misbehavior with threats of punishment that are inconsistently applied
• interactions of a youngster who has a difficult temperament and irritable behavior with moms and dads who are harsh, punitive, and inconsistent usually lead to a coercive, negative cycle of behavior in the famil
• these patterns are established early, in the youngster's preschool years; left untreated, pattern development accelerates, and patterns worsen

School-age—

• they lack the skills to solve social conflicts
• they blame their peers (e.g., "He made me hit him.")
• these kids may be more likely to misinterpret their peers' behavior as hostile
• noncompliance with commands
• kids with patterns of oppositional behavior tend to express their defiance with educators and other grown-ups and exhibit aggression toward their peers
• kids with ODD and poor social skills often do not recognize their role in peer conflicts
• in problem situations, kids with ODD are more likely to resort to aggressive physical actions rather than verbal responses
• failure to take responsibility for one's own actions
• emotional overreaction to life events, no matter how small
• as kids with ODD progress in school, they experience increasing peer rejection due to their poor social skills and aggression
• ODD behavior may escalate and result in serious antisocial actions that, when sufficiently frequent and severe, become criteria to change the diagnosis to conduct disorder

NOTE: When many kids with behavioral problems and academic problems are placed in the same classroom, the risk for continued behavioral and academic problems increases.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

Why We Are Seeing Our Young People Commit Horrific Violent Acts

“Why are so many of our young people turning to senseless acts of violence these days… why are we seeing such an epidemic of mass shootings …why …why?!”

Several things have occurred in recent years that appear to have created the perfect storm for mass shootings. In no particular order, mass shooters tend to have the following commonalities:

1.    All mass shooters had the means to carry out their violent act (in most cases, purchasing their weapons through legal avenues). 

2.    Most mass shooters reach an identifiable crisis point in the months leading up to the shooting.

3.    There was both a means and an opportunity to carry out the crime in all cases.

4.    Most had experienced trauma or exposure to violence in childhood (e.g., teasing, bullying, and/or ostracization by their peer group, physical and/or sexual abuse, parental suicide, neglect, domestic violence, etc.).

5.    Most felt 100% justified in carrying out the shooting (i.e., they honestly thought they were “doing the right thing”).

6.    Most become angry, despondent and violent because of a specific grievance (in the El Paso case, having a serious problem with Latino immigrants). Other examples of specific grievances include relationship rejection (or some other type of loss), a change in job status, feeling belittled or shamed by certain individuals, etc.

7.    Mental health concerns are often present (e.g., thought disorders, suicidality, depression, anxiety, etc.).

8.    Many of these shooters have been radicalized online (i.e., they study other perpetrators and model their violent acts after previous shootings).

9.    Most had studied the actions of other shooters and pursued validation for their motives, which might explain why we had 2 mass shooting back-to-back (i.e., mass shootings tend to be socially contagious – they come in clusters).

10.    In many cases, the shooter communicated to others through (a) specific threats of violence (e.g., via Facebook and Twitter), (b) an expression of suicidal thoughts or plans, or (c) a marked change in behavior.

11.    At some point prior to the shooting, many decided that life was no longer worth living and that killing others would be appropriate revenge, which might explain why they have either expected to be killed by police during the episode, or took their own lives immediately after they completed their evil task.

In summary, it appears that the core issue for these individuals revolves around mental health problems – specifically starting in childhood!

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

What To Do When Your Defiant Child Has To Have The "Last Word"

“What do you suggest for a child with oppositional defiant disorder who always has an intense need to have the last word?”

Because defiant behavior is all about control, many kids who exhibit it seem to have a strong need to have the last word. Remember that they don’t want the argument to end, because when it does, their sense of control ends also.

Unfortunately, dealing with a child who has this need to win often generates in parents the same intense need to come out on top.

Your strategy here would simply be to give your child the control he or she wants. Make the conscious decision to “surrender to win.” Go ahead and allow your child to have the last word.

Once his or her goal has been accomplished, the behavior usually stops. “Parting-shot” comments can be ignored and consequences given later (similar to the strategy outlined here).

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Oppositional Behavior: When Your Child Violates Rules Right in Front of You

Let's look at a couple examples:

• The parent is walking through the living room and, as she passes, the child puts her/his feet up on the coffee table (when told previously not to do so).
• The parent tells all the kids to calm down and use their “inside voice,” but the defiant child immediately shouts out loud.

Planned ignoring is a conscious decision to not attend to the behavior at the time it occurs. It does not mean ignoring the behavior forever, which would be condoning it. 

Usually, when a child violates a rule immediately after it has been given, it is an attempt to engage the parent in an argument and seize control of the situation. Behaviors that are insubordinate, but do not endanger the physical or psychological safety of others, can be temporarily ignored.

When your child sees that you are not going to “give up” control by taking the time to engage in an argument, the behavior often stops. If, however, when the behavior is ignored the child escalates it, you need to interpret the meaning of the behavior.

It’s important to let ALL your kids know about the strategy of “planned ignoring.” You might say:

“There are going to be times when someone violates a rule and it looks like I’m not paying attention or I’m letting them get away with it. I want you to know that I am choosing to ignore them for the time being because what’s most important is that I continue to teach and you continue to learn. I want you to know that the misbehavior will be addressed at a later time and the child will receive consequences for her/his behavioral choices. The rules haven’t changed.”

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Parent’s Strategy for Dealing with Oppositional Defiant Behavior: Ask Rather Than Tell

Let’s look at this common parent-child exchange:

The parents says, “You need to finish your homework before you go out to play.” The child responds, “If you let me go now, I’ll do my homework later. I want to play with Jason now.”

If you persist, your child may continue to try to “make a deal” (e.g., “I’ll do half my homework now, only play outside for a little bit, and then come back and finish my homework”).

Your strategy is to ask rather than tell...

Oftentimes this type of interchange can be proactively avoided by “asking” the child what he should be doing, rather than by telling him what he is supposed to do (e.g., “What needs to be done before you go outside to play?”).

For the most part, children with defiant behavior really don’t want to be doing something different, they just want to have control and not feel as if they are being told what to do. Kids who are trying to make deals are really saying, “I want to feel like I have control over what I’m doing and when I’m doing it.”

If the parent interprets that sentiment out loud and points out that they do have control, oppositional kids often will comply. For example, you could say:

“You want to feel like you have control about the ‘what’ and ‘when’ of your choices. You do have control. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t do homework – you don’t go outside. You do your homework – you go outside. It’s your choice.”

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Parents’ Strategy for Oppositional Children: Teaching the Difference Between the Letter of the Law and the Spirit of the Law

Examples of oppositional behavior in the child:

• When told “Turn your cell phone off while you’re at the dinner table,” the defiant child may turn it off, and then turn it back on.
• When given the direction “Lower your voice,” the child may speak in a lower tone, but use the same volume.
• When given the direction “Pull your chair up to the table,” the child may bring the chair up, but then sit on the floor.

Parent’s Strategy: Teach the difference between the letter and the spirit of the law:

Generally, when faced with the “loophole finding” child, parents will try to become more precise in their language or to add additional rules. Rather than trying to plug the loopholes, give your defiant child a lesson that teaches the difference between the “letter of the law” and the “spirit of the law.”

Unless your youngster has a language impairment, he knows what you mean and is merely testing the limits. In your lesson, you can give examples of statements a parent might make, and then ask your child to identify the intent.

Examples:

• No yelling. Does that mean: (a) be silent or (b) start whispering?
• Stop running. Does that mean: (a) walk or (b) start skipping or hopping?
• Turn around. Does that mean: (a) face me or (b) turn in a circle?

Not only does this lesson get the point across, it generally is a lot of fun for parents and the kids. Once you are certain that your child understands the difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law, one additional rule can be added: “Follow the spirit of the law.”

Now, when your child tests the limits, you can ask, “Are you following the spirit of the law?” This effectively derails the child who innocently looks at you and smiles, saying, “But I did what you SAID!”

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

How to Prepare Teachers for Your Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder

"My son has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD. Should I give his teacher (and tutor) some strategies to deal with him in the classroom (starts on Mon.)? If so, what can I tell her?"

Yes, definitely give the teacher some ideas to deal with your son effectively. The school can be a great ally in keeping your youngster with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) safe and successful in the classroom, but you will need to make sure that the teachers have all the knowledge they need to help.

Use the suggestions below to create an information sheet to bring teachers “up to speed.”

23 Things Your ODD Child’s Teachers Should Know -- Information Sheet:

1. Allow sharp demarcation to occur between academic periods, but hold transition times between periods to a minimum.
2. Allow my child to redo assignments to improve his score or final grade.
3. Ask me, his mother, what works at home.
4. Avoid “infantile” materials to teach basic skills. Materials should be positive and relevant to my child’s life.
5. Avoid making comments or bringing up situations that may be a source of argument for my child.
6. Call me with questions or concerns as often as needed.
7. Choose your battles carefully with my child. Selecting a couple of areas to focus on will work better than fighting over each and every behavioral issue.
8. Clear, simply stated rules work better for my child than abstract rules and expectations.
9. Give 2 choices when decisions are needed. State them briefly and clearly.
10. If there will be any sort of change in my child's classroom or routine, please notify me as far in advance as possible so that we can all work together in preparing her for it.
11. Make sure academic work is at the appropriate level. When work is too hard, my child becomes frustrated. When it is too easy, he becomes bored. Both reactions lead to problems in the classroom.
12. Use of individualized instruction, cues, prompting, the breaking down of academic tasks, debriefing, coaching, and providing positive incentives.
13. Minimize downtime and plan transitions carefully. My ODD child does best when kept busy.
14. My child has significant challenges, but he also has many strengths and gifts. Please use these to help him have experiences of success.
15. Pace instruction. When my child has completed a designated amount of a non-preferred activity, reinforce his cooperation by allowing him to do something he prefers or find more enjoyable or less difficult.
16. Please keep the lines of communication open between our home and the school. My child needs all the adults in her life working together.
17. Post the daily schedule my child knows what to expect.
18. Praise my child when he responds positively.
19. Provide consistency, structure, and clear consequences for my child‘s behavior.
20. Remember that children with ODD tend to create power struggles. Try to avoid these verbal exchanges. State your position clearly and concisely.
21. Select material that encourages student interaction. My ODD child needs to learn to talk to his peers and to adults in an appropriate manner. However, all cooperative learning activities must be carefully structured.
22. Structure activities so my child is not always left out or is the last one picked.
23. Systematically teach social skills, including anger management, conflict resolution strategies, and how to be assertive in an appropriate manner. Discuss strategies that my child can use to calm himself when he is feeling his anger escalating. Do this when he is calm.

Information sheet tips:

• In your note, focus on the ways that using strategies appropriate to your youngster's special needs will make things easier for the teacher, rather than insisting on rights and obligations.
• Keep your tone friendly, helpful and no-nonsense. You are writing as an expert on your child and his diagnosis, not as a pushy, demanding parent.
• Make a copy of all correspondence for your records. Using a datebook or a contact log, jot down when and what you sent to teachers, and what follow-up you made.
• Remember, the start of school is a hectic time for the teacher. Even with the best intentions, he/she may not want to spend his/her free time reading tons of material. If you can put together an information sheet (like the one above) that looks manageable, you will stand a much better chance that the teacher will actually follow the instructions listed.

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with ODD Children

How To Deal With Your "Violent" Child

Hi Mark. Thanks so much for the parenting material, it has given my wife and I some positive direction in parenting our oppositional 10 year old boy. He ticks nearly all the boxes for ODD and in addition to working your program, we are endeavoring to have him see a child psychologist. However he is reluctant to go and when he does go he pretends everything is okay, insisting that he can control himself. The reason I am writing to you is that he has become increasingly violent, particularly towards my wife, often punching and kicking her with force. Should I be physically restraining him? This seems to increase his violence and up the level of his tantrum. I'm trying to stay poker-faced but still feel I need to do something to protect my wife and our children. I have taken our boy to the police after a recent violent episode, mainly for scare tactics, but they seemed quite bemused by the fact I would bring him. I'm also wondering if there is some medical issue below the surface here, but it is extremely difficult to get him to co-operate to go anywhere for assessment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Re: restraining...

Yes – you should restrain. Why? Because you want to model for your son how the REAL WORLD operates. And in the real world, physical violence results in being “arrested” (in the fullest sense of the term). It would be best, however, to prevent these violent episodes to begin with. It’s much easier to deal with small fires rather than blazing infernos.

Re: testing...

Have him examined by a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist. Ask for a “comprehensive psychiatric evaluation.” You want to rule out any biological issues (e.g., brain damage). Assuming the violence is behaviorally-based rather than some medical condition, here are a few items to consider...

Although the roots of child violence are varied, violent children often share a pattern of beliefs and feelings that support their aggressive behavior. In some cases, it is relatively easy to punish the behavior, but it can be much more difficult to change the underlying thoughts and emotions of a violent youngster. To be effective, treatment approaches for violent children need to take these factors into account:

1. A 'me against the world' attitude: Kids who become violent have often learned to see the world as a cold and hostile place. They develop a habit of thought that attributes hostile intentions to others. This attitude leaves them little choice but to fight virtually all the time. If, for example, another youngster bumps up against them in the hallway at school, they immediately take offense, certain that they were attacked. They cannot imagine that perhaps the bumping was just clumsiness on the other youngster's part or an attempt to tease that really wasn't hostile.

2. Always the victim: Even while they are the aggressors, violent children almost always think of themselves as victims -- of unfair parents, teachers, of other bullies, of prejudice -- and believe that their violent acts are therefore totally justified.

3. Distorted thinking: Violent kids come to believe that overpowering another person is a mark of strength and worth, and that violence is a legitimate way to resolve conflict. Popular media support this idea, with wrestlers who pound their opponents without mercy and so-called action heroes who slaughter foes by the truckload. For good or bad, the government unwittingly encourages the idea that "might makes right" when it engages in shows of strength celebrating the Army and police. Violent kids needn't look far for evidence that force is what really counts.

4. Never safe: The aggressive youngster sees the world as an unsafe place in which there are only victims and victimizers, so he (unconsciously) chooses to be one of the latter. The power and delight he takes in hurting others, in combination with his already numbed emotions, can make for a lethal mixture.

5. Self-esteem: For some kids, aggression toward others may be a powerful source of self-esteem, particularly if they lack other confirmation of their human worth. In many cases, the problem is not lack of self-esteem in general – but lack of self-esteem related to positive, peaceful accomplishments.

6. The loss of empathy: Violent kids often don't even recognize (much less feel) the suffering of others. Empathy develops early in infancy. Most nine-month-old infants register concern if they see their parents crying, for example. Kids who have been emotionally traumatized learn to protect themselves from further emotional damage by shutting off their own feelings along with any empathic feelings they might have for others.

It isn't difficult to recognize many of these beliefs and emotions in kids who act violently, but it is hard to know how to correct them. While it is clear to others that many of the ideas the violent youngster harbors are wrong and that the scope of his feelings is narrowed, from the inside, these thoughts and feelings make perfect sense. Every experience the youngster has seems to reinforce the idea that the world is an unfair place.

So what can you do?

Here’s some advice on dealing with violent kids:

1. Acknowledge your role. When one youngster - or the "target child" - is acting out, the family will blame him or her for the family's dysfunction. Oftentimes, you will see a family that will present a disruptive youngster for treatment ... this is the sacrificial lamb for the family's toxicity. I advise moms and dads to examine their own behavior, and if need be, the entire family should seek counseling.

2. Don't get into a power struggle with a youngster. Sometimes aggressive kids know that if they struggle long enough with their moms and dads, by yelling, screaming, or throwing temper tantrums. Be firm in disciplining your youngster and let him know that there boundaries that he have to observe.

3. Every youngster has currency. Use it! There's not a youngster born that doesn't have currency, whether it's toys, clothes, games, or television. Access to this "currency" needs to be contingent upon proper behavior. For example, if a youngster throws a temper tantrum, he should not be rewarded with a toy or an activity. He needs to understand the consequences of his behavior. Predict the consequences of his actions with 100 percent accuracy.

4. Maintain a unified front. Sometimes aggressive kids know that if they engage in "divide and conquer" tactics with their moms and dads, they will be able to get their way. Be unified in your parenting. If you're together, if you're unified and if you're there for each other, then all of a sudden there's strength in numbers. Don't forget to close the ranks.

5. Obtain a proper diagnosis from a psychologist. Many times, moms and dads are quick to make evaluations of their kid's unruly behavior, such as blaming aggressiveness on ADHD or ODD. Revisit your evaluations, because a youngster's violence may be stemming from other issues. Don't make judgments until you get to the root of the problem.

6. Stop being intimidated by your youngster. Many moms and dads are afraid to discipline an unruly youngster for fear that their youngster will resent them for being an authority figure. Your youngster doesn't have to like you or even love you, but he does have to respect the parent-child relationship, and realize that there will be consequences for negative actions. Recognize that you don't have to be your youngster's friend, but you do have to be his parent.

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents

When Your Teenager Absolutely REFUSES To Go To School

"Terrible morning... my 15 yr. old missed the bus AGAIN. I told him that if he missed again he would have to walk (about 1 mile). He refused and went to his room. I tried to get him to go but he refused. Told him this was unacceptable and ended up driving him part of the way. What do I do now? He has had his phone and ipad taken away already."

__________

You're definitely not alone in dealing with this issue. Here are some examples to prove it:

School Refusers: Case Examples--

Laura, an eight-year-old girl, has always had difficulty attending school. Since she began third grade two months ago, her problems have significantly worsened. She constantly begs to stay home from school, having tantrums that cause delay in dressing and often result in her missing the bus. After arriving at school, Laura frequently complains of stomachaches, headaches and a sore throat to her teacher and asks to visit the school nurse with whom she pleads to call her mother. Her mother typically picks her up early twice a week. 

When Laura gets home she spends the remainder of the afternoon watching TV and playing with her toys. When her mother is unable to pick her up early, Laura calls her mother's cell phone periodically throughout the afternoon to "check in" and reassure herself that nothing bad has happened. Laura's teacher has expressed concern about her missing so much class time which has resulted in incomplete assignments and difficulty learning.

==> Join Online Parent Support

James is a fourteen-year-old boy who has missed forty-three days of school since beginning the eighth grade four months ago. When home from school, James spends most of the day online or playing video games. On the days he does attend school he is typically late for his first period which enables him to avoid hanging out with other kids before class. He always goes to the library during lunch. 

When he does go to class, he sits in the back of the classroom, never raises his hand and has difficulty working on group projects. James' teachers have noticed that he is always absent on days that tests or book reports are scheduled. His parents have already punished him after his first report card came home since he received D's in Math and Social Studies and failed Gym for cutting. James' parents have started to wonder if they should change his school placement and have asked the school to arrange home tutoring while this alternative is explored.

Prevalence and defining characteristics—

As much as 28% of school aged kids in America refuse school at some point during their education.1 School refusal behavior is as common among boys as girls. While any youngster aged 5-17 may refuse to attend school, most kids who refuse are 10-13 years old. Peaks in school refusal behavior are also seen at times of transition such as 5-6 and 14-15 years as kids enter new schools. Although the problem is considerably more prevalent in some urban areas, it is seen equally across socioeconomic levels.

Laura and James are just two examples of how school refusal manifests in kids. The hallmark of this behavior is its heterogeneity. Defined as substantial, child-motivated refusal to attend school and/or difficulties remaining in class for an entire day, the term "school refusal behavior" replaces obsolete terms such as "truancy" or "school phobia," because such labels do not adequately or accurately represent all kids who have difficulty attending school. 

School refusal behavior is seen as a continuum that includes kids who always miss school as well as those who rarely miss school but attend under duress. Hence, school refusal behavior is identified in kids aged 5-17 years who:

1. are entirely absent from school, and/or

2. attend school initially but leave during the course of the school day, and/or

3. go to school following crying, clinging, tantrums or other intense behavior problems, and/or

4. exhibit unusual distress during school days that leads to pleas for future absenteeism.

As evidenced by Laura and James, there are varying degrees of school refusal behavior. Initial school refusal behavior for a brief period may resolve without intervention. Substantial school refusal behavior occurs for a minimum of two weeks. Acute school refusal behavior involves cases lasting two weeks to one year, being a consistent problem for the majority of that time. 

==> Join Online Parent Support

Chronic school refusal behavior interferes with two or more academic years as this refers to cases lasting more than one calendar year. Kids who are absent from school as a result of chronic physical illness, school withdrawal which is motivated by parents or societal conditions such as homelessness, or running away to avoid abuse should not be included in the above definition of school refusal behavior as these factors are not child-initiated.

While some school refusers exhibit a more heterogeneous presentation, typically these kids can be categorized into two main types of troublesome behavior -- internalizing or externalizing problems. The most prevalent internalizing problems are generalized worrying ("the worry-wart"), social anxiety and isolation, depression, fatigue, and physical complaints (e.g. stomachaches, nausea, tremors and headaches). The most prevalent externalizing problems are tantrums (including crying and screaming), verbal and physical aggression, and oppositional behavior.

The cause and maintenance of school refusal behavior—

Laura had several physiological symptoms at school and went home to be with her mother and play. James on the other hand, avoided potentially distressing social and evaluative situations at school which negatively impacted his academic performance. Although many behaviors characterize kids who refuse school, there are a few variables that serve to cause and maintain this problem. School refusal behavior occurs for one or more of the following reasons:

1. To avoid school-related objects or situations that cause general distress such as anxiety, depression or physiological symptoms

2. To escape uncomfortable peer interactions and/or academic performance situations such as test-taking or oral presentations

3. To pursue tangible reinforcement outside of school

4. To receive attention from significant others outside of school

The above four reasons for school refusal behavior can be explained by principles of reinforcement. Any one youngster can refuse school for one or more of these reasons. The first two reasons characterize kids who refuse school to avoid or escape something unpleasant (negative reinforcement). For example, one of the reasons for Laura's crying in the morning is her fear of riding the school bus. 

By tantruming she accomplishes her goal of avoiding the school-related object (the school bus) that causes her distress. Another example of negative reinforcement is when James escapes aversive peer interactions and exams by school refusing. The third and fourth reasons characterize kids who refuse school to gain rewards (positive reinforcement). Laura, as is common with many younger kids, tries to avoid school as a means of having her mother provide her with excessive attention and closeness. Thus, Laura's behavior in this situation may be associated with separation anxiety. 

Another instance of positive reinforcement is exemplified by James, who basically has more fun being at home on the computer and listening to music than being in school. It is important to note that alcohol and drug use can occur among adolescents who school refuse for one or more of the reasons listed above. For example, a teenager who is extremely socially anxious may drink alcohol as a way of enduring distressing social or evaluative situations. 

Another youngster who avoids school may smoke marijuana during school hours as a means of gaining acceptance by peers or simply because it is more enjoyable than attending school. While all forms of school refusal can be equally debilitating, typically, mental health professionals receive fewer referrals for kids who have internalizing as opposed to externalizing behavior problems. In other words, the kid who exhibits anxiety is less likely to receive treatment than the kid who is disruptive.

Alternative School—

Kids who refuse to go to school typically do much better in an alternative school setting – one in which (a) the classes are smaller, (b) they get more one-on-one attention, and (c) they do most of their work on the comport.

==> Join Online Parent Support

What the Future Holds for Teens Diagnosed with ODD

Hello again Mark,

Things are going significantly better... We have been trying your 3-part mantra: poker face, repeat the rule/plan/consequence, no emotion. Not always successfully, but better every day. I'm still very much grieving the child I will never have and would welcome ideas about how to move through this.

But, my bigger question for today is, what is the outlook for teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder as they move into adulthood? I'm especially concerned that my son is in for a life of turbulent and broken relationships and will likely have trouble holding a job.

I guess I do have another question. Upon receiving his grade card today for the end of his sophomore year, our son declared that he is not a good match for public school and that he will not be going to school in the fall (reminder that his IQ is in the 140s, he scored 32 on the ACT as a sophomore but also has ADD and dysgraphia). Could it be that in his case he really isn't ever going to "succeed" in the system we call public school? And, what is an appropriate response when our child says he wants to quit school? As always, thank you.

_____________________________

Re: What is the outlook for teens with ODD as they move into adulthood?

There are three main paths that an ODD child will take:

First, there will be some lucky children who outgrow this. About half of children who have ODD as preschoolers will have no psychiatric problems at all by age 8.

Second, ODD may turn into something else. About 5-10 % of preschoolers with ODD will eventually end up with ADHD and no signs of ODD at all. Other times ODD turns into conduct disorder (CD). This usually happens fairly early. That is, after a 3-4 years of ODD, if it hasn't turned into CD, it won't ever.

Third, the child may continue to have ODD without anything else. However, by the time preschoolers with ODD are 8 years old, only 5% have ODD and nothing else.

Fourth, they continue to have ODD but add on comorbid anxiety disorders, comorbid ADHD, or comorbid Depressive Disorders. By the time these children are in the end of elementary school, about 25% will have mood or anxiety problems which are disabling. That means that it is very important to watch for signs of mood disorder and anxiety as children with ODD grow older.

Re: Could it be that in his case he really isn't ever going to "succeed" in the system we call public school?

Yes, definitely. I would strongly recommend that you begin thinking about – and planning for – an alternative school setting for your son. Given his IQ, it's possible that he's simply bored with the standard schoolwork and needs to be in a class in which he's a bit more challenged academically.

Re: What is an appropriate response when our child says he wants to quit school?

In many states, once a teenager turns sixteen years old, he or she can drop out of school. By the time a teenager reaches the age of sixteen, half of the battle may already be lost. If the child is struggling with a particular subject or subjects, he may need extra tutoring. As a parent, you can encourage your child by spending time working with him in the evening. If you don’t feel knowledgeable enough to tutor your child, you can arrange for help from someone else.

Many schools now have afternoon tutoring available to help students who are falling behind. Some schools also have “last chance” programs. These programs are typically given at night or on the weekends. They offer students a chance to take a subject or subjects that they have failed, so that they might still be able to graduate on time.

As a parent, you should realize that there may be more serious causes behind your teenager’s lack of ambition. Drug abuse is a real problem among teenagers in today’s society. If you feel that your child is exhibiting signs of drug abuse, you should have him tested immediately. If he tests positive, you will need to decide on a direct course of action.

Never give up on your child. There may be times when both he and you are discouraged about his academic success. Try to hide your discouragement as much as possible, and, instead, let your child see that you believe in him and have high expectations that he will succeed.

Bottom line: Your son will excel at whatever he puts his mind to.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parent-Management Training for Parents of Oppositional Kids and Teens

By the time they are school aged, kids with patterns of oppositional behavior tend to express their defiance with peers, teachers, and other adults. As these children progress in school, they also experience increasing peer rejection due to their poor social skills and aggression.

Young people who are naturally oppositional are more likely to misinterpret their peers' behavior as hostile, yet they lack the skills to solve social conflicts. In problem situations, they are more likely to resort to aggressive physical actions rather than verbal responses.

In addition, children who are defiant and have poor social skills often do not recognize their role in peer conflicts. They blame their peers (e.g., "He made me hit him"), and usually fail to take responsibility for their own actions.

The following 3 classes of behavior are hallmarks of both oppositional and conduct problems:

• emotional overreaction to life events (no matter how small)
• failure to take responsibility for one's own actions
• noncompliance with commands

When behavioral difficulties are present beginning in the preschool period, parents and teachers may overlook significant problems in the youngster's learning and academic performance. When kids with behavioral problems and academic problems are placed in the same classroom, the risk for continued behavioral and academic problems increases.

Oppositional behavior may escalate and result in serious antisocial actions that, when sufficiently frequent and severe, become criteria to change the diagnosis to Conduct Disorder. Milder forms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in some kids spontaneously diminish over time.

More severe forms of ODD, in which many symptoms are present in the toddler years and continually worsen after the youngster is aged 5, may evolve into Conduct Disorder in older kids and teens.

Parent-Management Training (PET) is recommended for parents of kids with ODD because it has been demonstrated to affect negative interactions that repeatedly occur between the defiant kids and their parents. PET consists of procedures in which parents are trained to change their own behaviors, and thereby alter their youngster's problem behavior in the home.

These patterns develop when moms and dads unintentionally reinforce defiant behaviors in a youngster by giving those behaviors a significant amount of negative attention. At the same time, the parents (who are often exhausted by the struggle to obtain compliance with simple requests) usually fail to provide positive attention.

The pattern of negative interactions evolves quickly due to the parent’s use of:

• repeated and ineffective comments
• emotionally-charged demands 
• ineffective harsh punishments
• insufficient positive attention
• poor modeling of appropriate behaviors

PET alters the pattern by encouraging the mother and father to pay attention to prosocial behavior and to use effective, brief, non-aversive discipline methods. It’s important to identify the youngster's positive behaviors and to reinforce these behaviors – and to use brief negative consequences for misbehavior.

==> More information can be found here…

"I am at wits end about my teenage daughter..."

Dear Mr. Hutten: I am at wits end about my teenage daughter. I just recently found a notebook that her and her girlfriend have been passing back and forth. She wrote to her girlfriend that a boy she likes asked her for a blowjob do you think he is using me. She is only 12 yrs old she will be 13 in May. I have talked to her continuously regarding that oral sex is sex and all the STD's she could possibly get from this behavior. She said she didn't do anything swears up and down she didn't but the rumor spread around school and also came back to me. Please help me on how to deal with this problem. I can't sleep at night thinking she could possibly do something like this. All the conversations I have had with her thinking I could prevent that she would not get involved with this behavior hasn't worked. I can't trust her anymore. I don't let her run the streets like other children do, I just can't believe this is happening, I am so afraid of what the future is going to bring. Please help me to handle this problem correctly. I appreciate anything you could do for me. Thank You, D.

``````````````````````````````````

Hi D.,

The topic of sexuality and adolescents often makes mothers and adolescents uncomfortable. It can be difficult for some mothers to even broach the subject of sexuality, and even more difficult should the parent suspect their child is sexually promiscuous. Few mothers want to confront the issues of sexual promiscuity or inappropriate sexual behavior in their children, yet avoiding such behavioral problems can be as risky as the behaviors themselves. Not only does sexual promiscuity cause serious health risks to your child, it can damage self-esteem and the emotional health of a developing adolescent.

Adolescents often partake in risk-taking behaviors. This seems to be a common theme among adolescents, but it can become a serious issue in troubled adolescents. Sex may become an outlet for a struggling teen's frustrations, much in the same way drugs and alcohol serve as an outlet. In this way, sex becomes a drug, a way to escape feelings and emotional confusion. However, as with any drug, there is a backlash. Any teenager who is acting out sexually will begin to feel a diminished sense of value and self-esteem.

In some cases, sex can be used as a weapon or defense. An adolescent might see promiscuous sex as a way of showing mothers that he or she is "free," an adult, someone who can "do whatever" they want to do. Allowing a young person to continue to see sex in such an emotional immature and self-destructive manner can lead to long-term problems with intimate relationships, as well as the child's physical health.

Mothers can best help their teens from becoming sexually active by maintaining a warm and loving relationship with their children – and letting teens know that they are expected to abstain from sex until marriage.

Mothers who are involved in their children's lives, and who confidently transmit their religious and moral values to their children, have the greatest success in preventing risky and immoral behavior. For this reason, it is more important for adolescents to see real-life examples of people who understand and deal responsibly with their sexual natures.

Morals are not abstractions. Morals have to do with real-life commitments to people and things that have value. Mothers and other influential adults (at school, at church, and in the community) need to show adolescents the difference between devotion and infatuation and help them make the distinction in their own hearts.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

The sexualization of girls and mental health problems—

In response to reports by journalists, child advocacy organizations, parents, and psychologists, the American Psychological Association (APA) created a Task Force to consider these issues. The Task Force Report concluded that the sexualization of girls is a broad and increasing problem and is harmful to girls' self-image and healthy development. Sexualization is defined as occurring when a person's value comes only from her/his sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics, and when a person is sexually objectified, e.g., made into a thing for another's sexual use. The report states that examples of sexualization are found in all forms of media, and as 'new media' have been created and access to media has become omnipresent, examples have increased.

The APA Task Force Report states that sexualization has negative effects in a variety of domains:

• Cognitive and emotional health: Sexualization and objectification undermine a person's confidence in and comfort with her own body, leading to emotional and self-image problems, such as shame and anxiety.
• Mental and physical health: Research links sexualization with three of the most common mental health problems diagnosed in girls and women—eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression or depressed mood.
• Sexual development: Research suggests that the sexualization of girls has negative consequences on girls' ability to develop a healthy sexual self-image.

How can parents help their daughters develop healthy self-esteem?

Although the media, peers, and pop culture influence children, parents still hold more sway than they think when it comes to having an impact on a daughter's developing self-esteem. Here's how parents can help:

1. Monitor your own comments about yourself and your daughter.

2. Get dads involved. Girls with active, hardworking dads attend college more often and are more ambitious, more successful in school, more likely to attain careers of their own, less dependent, more self protective, and less likely to date an abusive man.

3. Watch your own stereotypes; let daughters help fix the kitchen sink and let sons help make dinner.

4. Encourage your daughter to speak her mind.

5. Let girls fail - which requires letting them try. Helping them all the time or protecting them, especially if done by dad, can translate into a girl feeling incapable or incompetent.

6. Don't limit girls' choices, let them try math, buy them a chemistry kit. Interest, not just expertise, should be motivation enough.

7. Get girls involved with sports/physical activity, it can reduce their risk of chronic diseases. Female athletes do better academically and have lower school drop-out rates than non-athletes. Regular physical activity can enhance girls' mental health, reduce symptoms of stress and depression, make them feel strong and competent.

8. Watch television, movies, and other media with your daughters and sons. Discuss how images of girls are portrayed.

9. Counteract advertisers who take advantage of the typical anxieties and self-doubts of pre-teen and teenage girls by making them feel they need their product to feel "cool." To sensitize them to this trend and to highlight the effect that ads can have on people, discuss the following questions (adapted from the Media Awareness Network) with children:

• Do you ever feel bad about yourself for not owning something?
• Have you ever felt that people might like you more if you owned a certain item?
• Has an ad make you feel that you would like yourself more, or that others would like you more if you owned the product the ad is selling?
• Do you worry about your looks? Have you ever felt that people would like you more if your face, body, skin or hair looked different?
• Has an ad ever made you feel that you would like yourself more, or others would like you more, if you changed your appearance with the product the ad was selling?

It is within the family that a girl first develops a sense of who she is and who she wants to become. Parents armed with knowledge can create a psychological climate that will enable each girl to achieve her full potential. Parents can help their daughters avoid developing, or overcome, negative feelings about themselves and grow into strong, self-confident women.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

"Reasoning With" Defiant Children and Teens: A BAD Parenting Strategy

Children and teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) can't be controlled, thus parents should spend their time controlling children's activities and material items rather than behavior.

Parents should neither discuss parenting matters nor attempt to "reason with" their defiant children. To appeal to defiant children's logical mind is an exercise in futility due to the fact that most simply want things to go their way - they are not interested in comprise, negotiation or discussion.

Things are "nipped in the bud" [so to speak] by (a) stating parental expectations, (b) stating the consequence for violating expectations, and (c) following through with the consequence in the event expectations are not met. 

All this must be done with no expression of emotion on the parent's part, because children will continue to "misbehave" when they receive a bigger payoff for misbehavior than they do for desired behavior.

When the parent reacts strongly to "misbehavior" (e.g., arguing, lecturing, threatening, rage, emotional discussions, etc.), the defiant child - who is a very "intensity-seeking" child - receives a highly satiating dose of intensity (i.e., negative attention, which is infinitely better than no attention) from the parent. Thus, misbehavior is once again reinforced.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Defiant children do not seek counsel from parents. Instead, they have fired their parents as managers. Parents can, however, be re-hired as "child-protectors" (i.e., parent's willingness to shift from trying to be the child's 'buddy' to doing whatever is in the best interest of the child)...

...but only by controlling what is controllable and leaving the 'uncontrollable' up to the children (i.e., children get to decide whether or not they lose freedom to engage in activities and/or access to their material items such as toys, games, media, cell phones, etc.).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Take Care of Your Mental Health: Tips for Distraught Parents of ODD Teens

"Is it normal for parents to experience a lot of depression as they deal with their oppositional defiant teenagers? My daughter's behavior is negatively affecting both my work and my marriage now. I feel like such a failure as a parent."

Yes... absolutely!

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some of the other feelings and thoughts that occur when parents have to live with a strong-willed, out of control teenager:

• Ambivalence toward the defiant child (“I love her, but when her mindset causes her to be cruel, I also wish she'd go away.”)
• Anger and jealousy (“Her siblings resent all the attention I have to give her.”)
• Anxiety (“I’m afraid to leave her alone or hurt her feelings.”)
• Bitterness (“Why did this happen to us?”)
• Blaming self and each other (“If only I had been a better parent... If you would only listen...”)
• Concern for the future (“What's going to happen after I’m gone? Who will take care of her?)
• Denial of the severity of the issue (“This is only a phase ...it will pass”.)
• Depression (“I can't even talk about it without crying.”)
• Divorce (“It tore our family apart.”)
• Excessive searching for possible explanations (“Was it something I did?”)
• Fear (“Will she harm himself or others?”)
• Feelings of isolation (“No one understands.”)
• Inability to think or talk about anything but family issues (“All our lives revolve around her behavior-problems.”)
• Increased use of alcohol or tranquilizers (“My evening drink turned into three or four.”)
• Marital discord (“Our relationship became cold. I felt dead inside.”)
• Preoccupation with moving away (“Maybe if we lived somewhere else, things would be better.”)
• Shame and guilt (“Am I to blame? What will people think?”)
• Sleeplessness (“I've aged double time in the last 3 years.”)
• Sorrow (“I feel like I've lost my child”.)
•  Total denial of the issues (“This can't be happening in our family.”)
• Weight loss (“I've been through the mill, and it shows in my health.”)
• Withdrawal from social activities (“We don't attend family get-togethers anymore.”)

This is why it is so terribly important for us, as parents, to take care of ourselves. If we don't make a concerted effort to nurture our physical and mental health, we will become stressed to the point of ruining our immune system, which WILL result in some kind of disease process (e.g., cancer, heart disease, joint problems, etc.).

Take care of yourself before it's too late!!!

CLICK HERE for some specific ideas on taking care of yourself...

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When You Have to Constantly Remind Your Child to Do Chores

We started laying down the law to my son Ryan who will be 16 in few weeks and have tried to make him more accountable. He and his siblings are expected to put their clothes in the hamper twice a day, to make their bed each morning and pick up items on their floors before they leave. The rule is that if you want to have friends over/go out over the weekend that you will comply. The younger 2 do this almost without reminder. It is working well. Ryan needs to be reminded.

Today he was running late and looking for his baseball hat. He, per usual...asked for help in trying to find it. Because he asked nicer than his usual accusatory tone I did try to help a bit. In the process of trying to find it he ended up pulling out many clothes, which are now all over the floor. He did find the hat under his own bed.

As Ryan was preparing to wait for the bus, I reminded him of the need to pick up his room. He curtly replied that he did not have time as the bus was coming (which was mostly true and honestly I did not want to drive him if he missed it.) and that he would do it when he came home later that night.

Now I have a cleaning woman in today who will end up picking it all up for him by the time he gets home. I let him go and did not say anything. Thoughts?

1. I probably should have left the cleaning woman a note NOT to pick up his room??

2. I could have pushed it and made him miss his bus but figured this was a case of pick your battles.

3. I did not like though that he TOLD me what he was doing vs asking ...but at his age what is a reasonable expectation. He was not terribly disrespectful ...but he was assertive.

Let me know how you would have handled this.

-----------------------

You are greatly on target. It would have been appropriate for the cleaning lady to bypass his room. And I agree that “not making him miss the bus” was a good call. It sounds like you will have to remind him about chores, however.

Should you have to remind your son to do chores? You'd better plan on it unless you want to feel frustrated. Teens are certainly capable of remembering a schedule of things that are important to them. However, chores are just not that important to them. Furthermore, they don't feel responsible for them. After all, it's your house, not theirs!

They don't feel the same level of "ownership" in the way the house looks. This explains why they can sometimes show impressive cleaning skills when their friends are coming over or they're left at home for the weekend, but don't remember the chores at other times. For regular chores, save yourself the hassle and remind them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Some teens bristle at this reminder, however, because they think that they don't need the reminder. To avoid this resentment, you might include the reminder in a general review of everyone's schedule and responsibilities for the day, or make a reminder/check-off sheet for everyone's chores (including your own). Then you can present the list as a reminder for yourself, also.

Another strategy is to ask your teen to monitor the compliance with chores for the family, including your compliance. They feel more investment in the tasks, and you may share more empathy with your teen when you experience their reminders to do your chores.

Given the arguments and the supervision that are sometimes required to get some teens to finish chores, many parents ask, "Why bother?" Be assured that the effort is, indeed, worthwhile. Accomplishment of chores are especially important for teens because they teach basic domestic "survival skills" that will help the teens to successfully and competently live separately from their parents when that time comes.

This competence also adds to their sense of self-reliance – AND REMEMBER: SELF-RELIANCE IS KEY! It can also foster self-discipline and order, which are foundations for successful employment. And, chores help the teens to prepare to be responsible roommates, the first step in being responsible and helpful community members.

Mark Hutten, M.A.


==> Is your child or teenager oppositional and defiant? Then put these strategies into practice - and reduce or totally eliminate such behaviors...

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

About OnlineParentingCoach.com

Mark Hutten, M.A.                                                                    

Welcome to OnlineParentingCoach.com!  We have joined with Online Parent Support, LLC to create a single resource for children, parents, teachers, mental health professionals, and others who deal with the challenges of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, ADHD and other childhood disorders.

This site provides articles, conference information, educational resources, links to local/national/international support groups, lists of camps/schools, moderated support message boards, recommended reading, sources of professional help, and online parent-coaching.

We strongly believe that everyone faced with challenges associated with childhood disorders should have the right to - and deserve - support and understanding, inclusion, and appropriate education so they and their families can experience the greatest quality of life possible.

We have over 1,600 articles -- and we're adding more all the time. To locate an article, use the search bar at the top (type in your keywords, such as "sibling rivalry"), or scroll through the articles listed below.

Effective Parenting Strategies for Troubled Teens

There’s probably a good reason you’ve found us. You’re here because you want to change your defiant teenager’s behavior, and you want to learn some real parenting strategies that work.

OnlineParentingCoach.com has been giving our website visitors real results since 2006. Here you will find articles with crucial parenting techniques you can use to help turn your teenager’s behavior around – immediately.  So, if you’re looking for professional advice that works, you’ve come to the right place.

Our website is a single resource for children, parents, teachers, mental health professionals, and others who deal with the challenges of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, ADHD and other childhood disorders. We provide articles, conference information, educational resources, links to local/national/international support groups, lists of camps/schools, moderated support message boards, recommended reading, sources of professional help, and online parent-coaching.

We strongly believe that everyone faced with challenges associated with childhood disorders should have the right to - and deserve - support and understanding, inclusion, and appropriate education so they and their families can experience the greatest quality of life possible.

If your child or teenager is experiencing a behavioral problem that you need assistance with, feel free to contact Mark Hutten, M.A. [mbhutten@gmail.com]. You will get a response within 24 hours.

Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support, LLC
2328 N. 200 E.
Anderson, Indiana
46012

Cell: 765.810.3319 (available between 9:00 AM & 5:00 PM Eastern Time)
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

Coping with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Teens: Self-Preservation Skills for Parents

Is your teenager acting-out in difficult ways? Are you at your wit's end?!

Parenting strong-willed, out-of-control adolescents is tough work. It takes creativity, determination, and patience! It's an extremely difficult phase to go through, but you’re not alone. For too many moms and dads, major conflict is an everyday occurrence.

When this is the case, the teen usually has a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), or at the very least exhibits many ODD traits. Parents can either choose to continue "business as usual" (which will only enrage and distance their teen further), or they can learn how to deal constructively with strong-willed behavior. Here’s how…

How to cope with strong-willed, out-of-control teens:

1. Often times, your best resource is silence (it really is golden in cases such as this). Strong-willed teens do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). When your teen tries to push your buttons – shut your mouth and go about your business.

2. Avoid picking up strong-willed traits. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of your out-of-control teen’s behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying.

3. Detach from the situation as much as possible. Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words and reacting with extreme emotions (screaming, crying, etc.) will only influence your teen to be even more stubborn and defiant.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Don’t “call out” your stubborn teen. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with him or her. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, your teen will likely just become more oppositional. Recognize that you can't handle this like you would any other personal conflict – it's a unique circumstance.

5. For the parent who has another adult in the house (e.g., spouse, partner, other family member), avoid getting cornered. When possible, avoid one-on-one arguments with your strong-willed teen. In other words, when he is pissed and you see him coming to corner you, demand that another adult (or adults) be brought in. This will sometimes thwart your teen’s plans to berate you. Bullies rarely stand up to a crowd.

6. When tempers flare, forget about trying to engage your strong-willed teen in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least not with you. Remember what happened in the course of the last 100 times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with your teen. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.

7. Always remember that anything you say or do while angry will be used against you – over and over again. Strong-willed teens tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. A year from now, you could be hearing about the angry response you had today. Strong-willed, out-of-control teens will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.

8. If your teen’s verbal attacks have little basis in raw fact, try to simply dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as she would like you to believe you are. However, don’t defend yourself out loud. It will only provoke her into another outburst and increase her manipulative behavior.

9. If your teenager is getting on your last nerve, take a time-out. Remember, he just wants to get a rise out of you. So show your teen that he has no effect. Count to 10 silently if you need to, and then state your views with confidence. Look your teen in the eye. If he is still being unreasonable and stubborn, then just ignore him. He will eventually back down when he notices that his attempts at “button-pushing” are failing.

10. Sometimes the healthiest way to deal with a strong-willed teen is to remove her from your environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to verbal abuse. Simply leave the room. Remember that you can’t "fix" this teenager. Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference when possible.

11. Prepare for the fact that your teen will probably blame YOU for being “strong-willed.” You are going to be accused of much – or all – of this behavior yourself. If your teen gets a look at this article, to him it will look like an article about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that your teen’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.

12. Prepare to set some serious boundaries. Understand that eventually, you may have to create a separation between yourself and your strong-willed teen. Maintaining a relationship with a chronically abusive teenager is, literally, impossible. When enough is enough, he may just have to go live with his dad, or get a job and find an apartment (if he is older).

13. Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with a teenager who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-esteem. Focus on the people who validate you. Also, realize that your strong-willed teen is hurting you on purpose to improve her own self-esteem.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

14. Recognize that you will never convince your strong-willed teen that he has any responsibility for the parent-child conflict between the two of you. He doesn’t recognize (or if he did, wouldn't try to improve) his flaws for a very logical reason: He doesn't have any flaws (in his mind)! Understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time. But as time goes on, you'll get better at coping with this teen’s behavioral issues.

15. Avoid getting defensive. Understand that you can’t “beat” a strong-willed, out-of-control teenager. She is called “strong-willed” for a reason. In her mind, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can do or say is going to make her consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty – no matter what!

16. Understand that it's not you – it's your teen. If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. This mindset can be surprisingly difficult, considering that the strong-willed teen has complete mastery of shifting the blame. Remember, strong-willed teens "can do no wrong." Chances are, the more often your teen blames you, the more he himself is actually at fault. However, keep in mind that this should NOT to be used as a way to blame your teen. Blaming is what strong-willed teens do – and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts (for your own sake).

Raising strong-willed, out-of-control teens is tricky business. It’s important for them to have enough freedom to make their own mistakes, but they still need plenty of guidance to help them learn from those mistakes. Provide your oppositional teen with clear and consistent boundaries that will focus on teaching peace and levelheadedness – not resentment and retaliation. Lead by example!

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents