ONLINE PARENTING COACH: Search results for rebellion

Showing posts sorted by relevance for query rebellion. Sort by date Show all posts

How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Hi Mark,

First let me say that my husband and I feel that finding your website and ordering your ebook have been heaven sent. We will have our sit down discussion with our two boys, P___ 21 and J___ 16. We have already started the poker face and requesting a task or chore when they request a privilege. It has shown great results already and I hope paved the way a bit into our family talk.

J (16) was the one we were having anger issues with, P has always been very sweet...we realize now.... both were used to manipulate us. I would have never considered myself indulgent until I read your definition… oh boy am I!

I know I will have more questions for you as we go along but I have one now that I could really use some suggestions on.

J has a friend who has dropped out of school, no job and we feel not a good influence at all. He is from a broken family and just went to live with Dad, but that fell apart very quickly and he is back.... We thought our prayers were answered with him leaving the state. How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply and thank you so much for the wonderful counseling you are offering to help us Desperate Parents,

A. and M.

`````````````````````````

Hi A.,

You may not be comfortable about your son's choice of friend. This may be because of his image, negative attitude, or serious behavior (e.g., alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors, etc.).

Here are some suggestions:

Check whether your concern about his friend is real and important.
Do not attack your son's friend. Remember that criticizing his choice of friends is like a personal attack.
Encourage reflective thinking by helping him think about his actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
Encourage his independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
Get to know this friend if possible. Invite him into your home so you can talk and listen to him, and introduce yourself to his parents.
Help your son understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he really is).
If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your son about his behavior and choices -- not the friend.
Keep the lines of communication open and find out why this friend is so important to your son.
Let your son know of your concerns and feelings.
Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

And you must ensure that your teen knows that he is loved and valued as an individual at home.

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

=======================

One day you wake up and find that life has changed forever. Instead of greeting you with a hug, your little boy rolls his eyes when you say "good morning" and shouts, "You're ruining my life!" You may think you've stepped into the Twilight Zone, but you've actually been thrust into your son's teen years.

During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?

Click here for full article...

------------------------------

Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.

Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

Click here for the full article...

------------------------------

The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.

Click here for the full article...

Parents' Troubleshooting Guide for Teen Behavior Issues

Is your adolescent rebelling, defying your curfew, or hanging out with questionable kids? Here's how to nip behavior problems in the bud:

To be fair, no one has ever pretended that parenting an adolescent was going to be easy. Still, until your own kids reach that stage, it's tempting to believe your family will be immune to teen behavior problems. No, you tell yourself, your adolescent will never talk back, stay out too late or pierce her eyebrow. Dream on...

Adolescents are basically hard-wired to butt heads with their moms and dads. Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively. It's the task of the adolescent to fire their moms and dads and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers. But that doesn't mean you have to take it lying down. With the right approach, you can troubleshoot the following teen behavior problems in a relatively civilized fashion.

Behavior Problem 1:

Your Teen Seems To Hate You—

One minute your sweet youngster is begging you to come on the class trip or to lie down with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly overnight, she starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say and snickering at your suggestions. If you look closely, you'll see that you've been through this before, when she was a toddler -- only instead of shouting "no!" like a two-year-old would, an adolescent simply rolls her eyes in disgust.

It's so hard for moms and dads when this happens. But part of adolescence is about separating and individuating, and many kids need to reject their moms and dads in order to find their own identities. Teens focus on their friends more than on their families, which is normal too.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Your Solution—

Sometimes moms and dads feel so hurt by their teens' treatment that they respond by returning the rejection -- which is a mistake. Adolescents know that they still need their moms and dads even if they can't admit it. The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they're feeling internally. As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the time a youngster is 16 or 17.

But no one's saying your teen should be allowed to be truly nasty or to curse at you. When this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." By letting your adolescent know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.

Behavior Problem 2:

Communication Devices Rule Their Lives—

It's ironic that teenage forms of communication like IM-ing, text-messaging and talking on cell phones make them less communicative, at least with the people they live with. In today's world, though, forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but unkind. Being networked with their friends is critical to most teens.

Your Solution—

Look at the big picture. If your youngster is functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family life, it's probably best to "lay off." It's also OK to set reasonable limits, such as no "texting" or cell phone calls during dinner. Some moms and dads prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Many experts also suggest establishing a rule that the computer has to be off at least one hour before bedtime, as a way to ensure that teens get more sleep.

One good way to limit how many minutes your teen spends talking on his cell and texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone bills. And do your best to monitor what your youngster does when he's online, particularly if he is using networking sites like Facebook. You still own the home and computer -- so check into parental Internet controls and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.

Behavior Problem 3:

Staying Out Too Late—

It's 10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore your curfew again and again? Part of what teens do is test limits. But the fact is that they actually want limits, so moms and dads need to keep setting them.

Your Solution—

Do some research before insisting that your youngster respect your curfew because it's possible that yours is unreasonable. Call a few parents of your teen's friends and find out when they expect their kids home. I suggest giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they defy that, to set consequences -- such as no going out at night for a week.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

If it seems like your youngster is staying out late because she's up to no good, or doesn't feel happy at home, then you need to talk with her and figure out what might be going on. However, if your curfew is in line with what what's typical in your teen's crowd, then it's time to set consequences and then enforce them if your teen continues to break your rules. When you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can't bluff adolescents -- they will always call you on it.

Behavior Problem 4:

Hanging Out with Kids You Don't Like—

You wince every time your son blasts through the front door with his greasy-haired, noisy buddies. Should you suck it up, or say something?

Your Solution—

Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips, act rudely and still be decent kids. Moms and dads should hold off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids' friends. Adolescents are so attached to their friends that it's like criticizing them directly.

On the other hand, if you know that your youngster has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a talk is in order. Without putting him on the defensive, tell your youngster you're concerned about who he's hanging out with and that you're worried he's doing drugs. While you can't forbid your youngster to hang around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors in the bud. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.

Behavior Problem 5:

Everything's a Drama—

Every little thing seems to set your daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams the door. Part of being an adolescent is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.

Your Solution—

Moms and dads tend to trivialize the importance of things in adolescents' lives. What happens is that kids feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously.

Don't offer advice, disparage her friends or try to minimize it by saying that one day she'll see how silly high school romances are. Just listen and sympathize. And put yourself in her position -- because, after all, you were once there yourself.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

How to Get Your Teen to WANT to Listen to You

The biggest challenge when parenting an adolescent is how to get her to listen to you and your advice. You want to protect her from bad decisions and choices. But now that she’s “all grown up” (in her mind), she “knows it all” and does not listen to you. She has transformed from a kid that followed your lead and had everything done for her to a teen that makes her own choices and decisions.

As most parents may have already figured out, you can't make your teenager change if he doesn't want to. No amount of pleading, forcing, or discipline will work. In fact, the more you persist, the more he will rebel. So, instead of “How can I get my teen to listen to me?” …the question should really be “How can I get my teenager to WANT to listen to me?” The answer is to examine the quality of the attachment between you and your teenager. A weak parent-child bond translates to having a deaf teen.

How to get your teen to WANT to listen to you:

1. As a parent, you have to “pretend” that your teen hears you when you speak. If you know he has no hearing problems and doesn’t have headphones on, then assume he can hear you. Look at him and state the rules in a clear, calm manner. For example, “In order to go to the movies with your friends this coming Friday night, you need to be back home by 8:00 PM tonight. I know you really want to see that movie, so be sure to be home by 8:00.” If your teen claims he didn’t hear you (after he returns home at midnight), rather than arguing about his listening skills, state the following: “You knew the rules. You didn’t make it home by 8:00 PM, so no movie this weekend. We can try this again next week. If you meet your curfew, you can go to the movies with your friends next Friday.” Don’t get pulled into a power struggle. If he tries to push your buttons, simply leave the room.

2. Be as consistent as possible. Disciplining your teen’s poor choices one week – and then letting it slide the next – sends a mixed message. Maybe you were too tired to care if she didn’t do her homework. So, then what your adolescent thinks is “When dad has had a long day, I can skip doing homework.” For rules to be effective, they must be enforced dependably.

3. If you are hesitant to implement some “tough love” with your teen for her poor behavioral choices, you also guarantee that she will NOT listen to you. If an adolescent feels that she can do as she pleases without any significant consequences, you can bet that she will do just that. Sure, be compassionate and show unconditional love, but do not be afraid to show your adolescent that her poor choices ALWAYS have associated consequences.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Pick your battles carefully. Coming home at midnight may be more risky to your adolescent than not cleaning up his room when asked. Of course, don't ignore blatant disregard for a rule (no matter how small), but at the same time, don't lose your cool over a dirty bedroom. Loss of computer privileges until his bedroom is picked up is a more appropriate response than the loss of the computer for an entire week.

5. Often times, an adolescent fails to listen to her parents because she thinks they only want to spoil her fun. The "Because I said so" comment may work for younger children, but in the teenage years, those are “fighting words” that will only sow seeds of rebellion. So, don’t bark-out commands. Instead, open the doors of communication and explain how choices have consequences. For instance, if your adolescent wants to attend a party where alcohol will probably be available, don’t just say "NO WAY!" Instead, explain how such situations pose serious risks.

6. When your teenager challenges your rules, keep the conversation focused on your expectations, not on your adolescent’s ideas about fairness. If you have to “defend” your rules, it gives your teen the impression that the rules are negotiable. Rather than arguing about your rules, simply state the facts (e.g., “I know you don’t like the rules, and you prefer to ignore me. But the truth is this: You don’t have to like the rules, you just have to find a way to follow them.”).

7. When your teenager ignores you or pretends not to hear, remember that it is a “control issue.” She wants to be “in charge” now that she is “all grown up.” Even if you're annoyed, keep our cool. You don’t have to attend every “war-of-wills party” you’re invited to. Sometimes it best to ignore that fact that she ignored you.

8. If you truly want your adolescent to listen to you, you need to listen to his problems and concerns too. Listen without judgment, asking questions and taking a genuine interest in his life. Allow him to openly share any objections he has about the issues at hand, and respond in a way that shows you really understand his concerns. This isn’t to say that you should compromise on the house rules necessarily, but you can be sympathetic to your adolescent's frustrations. If he says that a rule isn’t fair, ask him to elaborate. Be open to the idea that some rules may need to be adjusted in order for them to appear fair. For example, maybe an 11:00 PM curfew on Saturday nights isn’t fair because he wants to attend a movie with friends that doesn’t start until 10:00 PM. He would have to miss the ending of the movie to be home on time. Maybe he could have an 11:30 PM curfew (just on some Saturday nights).

9. Offer rewards, not just consequences. For example, for feeding the dogs all week, he can have an extra 30 minutes on his curfew. For taking his little brother to baseball practice, he can borrow the car Friday night. Rewards are incentives to “Listen to my advice and rules.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

10. Pick the right time to talk to your teen about “the rules.” For example, starting this conversation while your adolescent is engrossed in a video game may make the conversation feel like a penalty of sorts …or when your adolescent has just come home from school, he may have other things on his mind and may not be able to focus on the “You need to listen to me” conversation. Make an appointment. For example, take him out to dinner, wait until the evening meal, or wait until bedtime when you have both had a chance to wind down.

11. If you want your adolescent to be open to communication and willing to listen, don’t treat him as a subordinate. Instead, treat him as a contributing and valuable member of the family. Let him take part in important family decisions. Listen to his opinions. Support his goals. Take time to remind him that he is loved unconditionally. The more he feels respected and valued, the more willing he will be to listen to your advice.

12. Lastly, write the rules down and post them somewhere prominent. If your rules are written, there is little room for misinterpretation. Sit down with your adolescent and have her read the rules aloud to you. This gives her a chance to ask questions and make comments. Revisions to the rules (the first draft anyway) may need to take place as well.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parents & Resentment Flu

Mark-

After I sent you the e-mail and had the chance to review your response I sat and did some soul searching. I am struggling with some of the things that I am required to do. Not because I do not wish to comply, but because I am so badly hurt from the years of defiant behavior, lying, and stealing. I forgave him the best I could throughout the years and he turned around and did the same things repeatedly. Sometimes telling me that he hears things in his head and others because he can’t help himself.

In my last e-mail to you I described one of our worst physical encounters with B__ and there have been many. My only regret was that we did not call the police on him that night instead of allowing it to escalate the way it did. Yesterday I was met by someone from child protective services accompanied by a police officer. B__ has threatened us with this before and we have feared it since it poured off of his lips. He states that my husband punched and bruised him. I can tell you that my husband pulled the child off his back and restrained him on the floor, but did not punch him. It is now our word against his and we feel like we are prisoners in our own home. The person appointed to our case heard us out and gave us a number to call in case he starts to destroy our home or attacks us in any manner again. We don't know what to do? The child throws himself through his room, against walls, furniture, and out of his window sill. I go to my room and shut the door as to not feed into his attention seeking behaviors, but when he is injuring himself and telling people that we did this to him it crosses the line. I ignore the behavior and it gets worse. He demands and manipulates an audience.

According to him nothing is ever his fault and the world is against him. I do not know where to get help for us. At this point he has seen that we are powerless and that all he has to do is make up another story and we are in serious trouble. My husband and I do not want him home because with another accusation, we can lose everything. We are considering putting cameras throughout the house to ensure our safety through this process with B__. We don't want to be with him unless the other parent is with us. Summer is here and his sister who is to spend the summer with us will arrive in a few short weeks and I don't know how to keep her safe and ensure that B__ doesn't have all of us arrested. We need help. I have asked for help starting when he entered pre-school and all I got was a handful of varying diagnoses and a handful of prescriptions. He is bigger, stronger, and smarter and his behavior nor the outcomes are ever his fault. I find it nearly impossible to say I love you to him, I cannot stand to hear him ramble on because it is usually a fabricated story and when I get to the bottom of it I am more disappointed to find out he was at fault for whatever had happened and that he cannot and will not see it.

We have regular chores and each day the battles are getting worse and for the fact that I don’t want the fight, I don’t want to give them to him anymore. B__ is only ever happy when he is running the show. Anyone other than him in control will create behaviors that we not wish to have in our home or in our lives. B__ thinks that because we were not arrested and that they won’t keep Beth from coming here means that all is well. It is not well. My husband and I will have this stain on our (until yesterday) clean records till the end of our lives and again he walks away unscathed and newly empowered by his newest form of parental control.

Nick and I need help to get back on our feet on working in a better direction for all of us. Can you please tell us where to start again because we are heartbroken and devastated by what is happening?

Thank you - A.

````````````````````````````````

Hi A.,

Sounds like you have a bad case of “resentment flu” …also, it sounds like you feel a significant sense of defeat. When we drill deep into the root of resentment and anger, the cause always revolves around our ego and the mind’s attempt to protect it from “extinction.”

I am not suggesting that we suppress or deny these feelings. But rather, use responsible methods for dealing with these uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions so that we are no longer slaves to the emotional reflexes of our animalistic instincts.

As hard as it might seem while we are experiencing anger towards someone (especially our own child), the keys to overcoming the emotion lie first in understanding and finally in forgiving. This seems counter-intuitive, since our instincts tell us that we need to defend ourselves, and possibly come up with ways to hurt the other individual.

Understanding gives us insight into what the other individual is feeling. Even before we reach the stage of forgiveness, understanding will automatically ease some of the emotional burden we’ve been carrying.

Before seeking to understand, we need to find a place of clarity within ourselves. Clarity means that we are not acting out of our emotions or our caveman instincts. When we can step out of our inner caveman, we are able to see the situation for what it is. It will quickly become clear that the other individual was acting out of the instincts of their inner caveman, and thus blinded by their own emotions.

Let’s dive deeper into each major step in overcoming these bothersome feelings:

1. Clarity

In this step, the goal is to feel well again. When our minds are frazzled with random thoughts of pain and resentment, it is nearly impossible to overcome anything. Therefore, we need to first find peace within ourselves.

When we seek peace and clarity, we are ultimately creating the space within ourselves for alternative possibilities and healing. Without which, we will remain in a never-ending cycle of unnecessary pain and suffering.

• “You are In Control” - Remind yourself that you are in control of your thoughts and actions. You are never as helpless or in as pitiful a state as your ego would have you believe. Remind yourself of the responsible individual that you are - using the real definition of responsibility: the ability to respond, or the ability to control our responses. Map out the worst case scenario and accept it. You’ll often find that the worst case scenario isn’t as bad as the dreadful scenario that you have dreamt up in your mind.

• Exercise: Express Your Emotions - Fully express your emotions without physically harming anyone (including yourself). If you feel angry, express that anger verbally (while you are alone) with the intent of releasing it completely out of your system. You can jump up and down, cry out loud or exert unusual sounds. Listen to your body as to how it wants to release this negative energy. Give yourself a time limit of say 5 to 10 minutes in which you must express all your anger, either verbally or in writing. Additionally or alternatively, go for a run, a hike, a workout or a swim. Many individuals find exercise to be an effective way to release toxic energy.

• Exercise: Finding Peace via Focused Attention - This has been the most effective tool for me when clarity and inner peace is needed: First, find a comfortable seat and close your eyes. Bring your focus onto your breath. Focus all of your attention on your inhales and exhales. Do this for about five minutes. Next, bring your attention to your heart (the center of your chest). Focus on all the things you are grateful for in your life, right now. You can either visualize each individual or thing, or you can hear the sound of these things spoken in your mind. As you see them, or hear them, experience the feelings of gratitude in your heart.

2. Understanding

Now that we’ve put our inner caveman/cavewoman aside, we can objectively look at the situation for what it is. We can seek to understand what is causing the other individual to act in this particular way.

In most cases, once we’ve figured out the cause for their behavior, we will find that it is often not an attack on us, but a reflection of their primal instinct to protect themselves.

What’s more, as we gain perspective into their position, we might find that we’ve learned something valuable that will contribute towards our well-being and happiness in the future.

• Freedom of Expression - Accept that it is okay for others (even your children) to have negative thoughts or feelings towards you. They have the same freedom of thought and freedom of choice as do you. Choose understanding. Choose compassion. Choose doing the right thing by staying honest to yourself. Outside of that, don’t worry about it, let them go. We cannot control other’s actions, so why should we exert energy trying? Let others be, and find peace with that.

• It’s Not Personal - When individuals are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but to spread that energy onto others. When individuals communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their internal state.

• The Painful “Enemy” - Seek out the scenarios and perspectives which may have triggered them to treat you in a manner that hurts you. They may be in such a deep-seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings. Seek to understand that individuals, by nature, do not want to harm others, but circumstances that trigger their inner caveman cause them to act out in self-defense.

3. Forgiveness

Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other individual to die.

Forgiveness is a gradual process, and understanding will eventually take us there. However, if we do not attempt forgiveness, the only individual we are harming is ourselves.

The goal here is to find peace with the situation and to move on with our lives. Life is too short to dwell on the past, or to dwell on other’s opinions of us. Give yourself a gift of freedom: forgive them with grace, compassion and understanding.

• Forgive Others - After the exercise of breathing and gratitude, continue to keep your eyes closed. Now, let go of all resentment and regret. You can imagine each of these separately. Imagine all the individuals who you hold a grudge against. Optionally you may see their harmless face smiling at you. Recognize that we are all trying our hardest in our current state of consciousness. Tell them in your imagination that you forgive them. Have the intention of forgiving others and ourselves for any actions that may have resulted in pain.

• Forgive Yourself - Forgive yourself for having had thoughts of retaliation, resentment, regret or grievance. Forgive yourself for exposing your inner caveman.

• You can repeat the mantra “Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all resentments, grievances and regrets. I choose the miracle.”

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

MORE RESOURCES:

------------------------------

Click here for the full article...

When Your Teenage Daughter Runs Away From Home

Hi Mark,

I’m sure you’ve heard it all before when it comes to teens etc everything you state in you initial page about teens and their out of control behaviour really does apply to my 15 year old girl…. And I do mean ALL of it. So thank you firstly for being a point of contact and believe me that I will do everything to gain more knowledge and power within my own family unit to enable my daughter to be able to make better choices in her life.

One question I do have is concerning persistent runaways – my 15 year old has runaway from home 5 times we had the police, authorities and even the school involved with trying to “help” her but to no avail, after the fourth time I ended up packing up and moving 1400 km away from everything we had known even becoming separated from her father (who she initially blamed for running away) thinking that a fresh start would help – obviously this hasn’t helped as the initial problem is still there (now she admits that it wasn’t anything to do with her father) and has not been dealt with effectively….

After only 5 weeks of being here, she is fighting with a few of her 'friends' – has had ignored my 'consequence' of not being able to go and stay over at her friends house for her continued violent and aggressive behaviour, instead smashed up her room, cussed as me with a fair few profanities and simply walked out stealing money and cigarettes on the way out!

I have not on this occasion contacted the police as I have previous times, instead I issued an ultimatum via text message (she wont answer my calls) that if she did not return by 6.30pm then the police would be called. She texted back to say she was fine and will return home in 2 days when she’s calmed down!!! I issued the ultimatum again…… and left it – as I say needless to say she has not returned and I have not contacted the police yet. The question is how do I deal with her on her return?????????

I need to get this right from the very start.

Thank you

````````````````````

Hi L.,

Teens run for a multitude of reasons:

To avoid an emotional experience or consequence that they are expecting as a result of a parental, sibling, friend or romantic relationship/situation.
To be with other people such as friends or relatives who are supportive, encouraging and active in ways they feel are missing from their lives.
To change or stop what they are doing or about to do.
To escape a recurring or ongoing painful or difficult experience in their home, school or work life.
To find companionship or activity in places that distract them from other problems they are dealing with.
To keep from losing privileges to activities, relationships, friendships or any other things considered important or worthwhile.

As parents or guardians we strive to create positive, loving households in order to raise respectful, successful and happy adults. In order to achieve this, rules must be put in place. Teens who run away from home are often crying for attention. Some teens will attempt to run away just once, after an unusually heated argument or situation in the household, and return shortly after. More serious cases, however, happen with teens in extreme emotional turmoil.

Parents also need to be extremely aware of the symptoms, warning signs and dangers of teenage depression. Far too many teens are suffering from this disease and going untreated. Often, runaways feel they have no other choice but to leave their home, and this is in many cases related to their feelings of sadness, anger and frustration due to depression.

There are many causes of depression, and every child, regardless of social status, race, age or gender is at risk. Be aware and be understanding. To an adult juggling family and career, it may seem that a young teenager has nothing to be "depressed" about! Work for a mutual communication between the two of you. The more your teenager can confide his/her daily problems and concerns, the more you can have a positive and helpful interaction before the problems overwhelm them.

Teens who become runaways will have shown symptoms and warning signs prior to running away. Knowing these signs is the first step to prevention; the second is learning how to prevent symptoms all together. Communication is KEY!

Suggestions for preventative conversation:

Always use direct eye contact when speaking.
Anger is difficult to subside. However, it is important to never raise your voice or yell/scream at your teen, especially when they are already doing so. A battle of strength doesn't get anyone anywhere.
If both parents are involved in the conversation, it is very important to take turns, rather than gang up on your teen together. Make sure each parent allows time for your teen to speak in between.
If your teen is demanding or threatening you, be sure to get professional advice or help from a qualified mental health professional.
Keep a calm demeanor and insist that your teen does as well. Do not respond to their anger, but instead, wait until they are calm.
Keep in mind that it is possible to agree with your teen, without doing whatever they want you to. For example, you might agree that there are little differences between 17 year-olds and 21 year-olds, but that doesn't mean you agree with having a party serving alcohol at your house.
Let's say you are sure you understand your teen's point of view and they understand you understand. If you still don't agree with their statement, tell your teen "I think I understand, but I do not agree. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."
Make sure that you comprehend what your teen is saying, and when you do, let them know. Simply stating "I understand" can go a long way to making your teen feel as though you are respecting their feelings and thoughts, as well as taking them in to consideration.
NEVER interrupt your teenager when they are speaking or trying to explain their feelings or thoughts. Even if you completely disagree, it is important to wait until they have finished. Keep in mind that just listening and using the words "I understand" does not mean that you agree or will do what they want.
Never use threats or dare your teen to run away, even if you think they wouldn't do it.
Refrain from using sarcasm or negativity that may come off as disrespect for your teen.
Take a break if you get too overwhelmed or upset to continue the conversation with a calm attitude.
Talk less, slower, and use fewer words than your teen.
Under no circumstances should you use derogatory names, labels or titles such as liar, childish, immature, untrustworthy, cruel, stupid, ignorant, punk, thief or brat. Continue to be respectful of your teen, even if they have been disrespectful to you.
When your teen has finished speaking, ask politely if they have anything else they'd like to talk about or share with you.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, some children may respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. If this occurs, defuse the situation, but do NOT threaten or challenge your child.

For example: Daughter, you know that I cannot control you. And if you really want to run away from home, I cannot stop you. I cannot watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because I love you, I cannot stand by and watch you hurt yourself by _______________ (e.g., not going to school, using drugs or alcohol, destroying house property), and running away from home will not solve the problem. You and I know it will only make matters worse.

Teens who run away are not bad. They have made a bad decision. They got themselves caught up in pressures that they felt the need to escape from. Instead of facing their problem and solving it, they chose to run from it. We need to teach our teen how to face their problems, even if the problem is us. When they have the right tools to fix some of the things that may be going on in their lives, the pressure lessens, and there is no more need for them to escape.

Every teen either has tried or knows another teen who has run away. I haven't met a teen yet who didn't know of someone's experience of running away. This can be a real problem, considering most teens will glamorize the experience.

Parents of teens who run away are not bad parents. You cannot lock them in. As much as you would like to build a wall around them, it is their choice whether or not to walk out the door.

If your teens runs:

Call the Police, IMMEDIATELY! Don't wait 24 hours, do it right away.
Get the name and badge number of the officer you speak with.
Call back often.
Call everyone your child knows and enlist their help.
Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
Search your teen’s room for anything that may give you a clue as to where he went.
You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls they may have made recently.

When your teen comes home:

Take a break from each other. Do not start talking about it right away. Your emotions are too high at this point to get anywhere in a conversation. Go two separate directions until you both have gotten some rest.
Ask and Listen. Why did they leave? You may want to evaluate a rule or two after speaking with them, but do not do so while having this talk. Tell them you are willing to think about it, and you will let them know.
Tell them how you felt about them going. Let them know that they hurt you by leaving. Let them know that there isn't a problem that can't solve. If they ever feel that running away might solve something, have them talk to you first. You could always offer other choices, so they can make a better decision.
Get some help. If this isn't the first time or you have problems communicating when they get back, it's time to ask for help. This could be a person that your child respects (e.g., an aunt or uncle), or you may want to seek professional help.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

==> Click here for more parenting advice on how to deal with teen rebellion...

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parents have a severely out-of-control 16 year old daughter...

QUESTION:

Hi I'm Yvonne and I have an out of control 16 year old daughter. For the past year and a half we have been having issues on a weekly bases with our daughter. I will fill you in quickly on some of the things that we have been dealing with over this time.

She was wagging school, suspended on 3 occasions for smoking in school uniform, got suspended for drinking at school, left home for 5 days and wouldn't let us know where she was. Started casual at McDonalds in Jan. this year but 1 mo. later decided that she didn't want to got to school anymore so left to work at McDonalds full time but got on average 15 - 25 hours a week and spent the rest of the time hanging out with her friends why we were at work. Then in March got fired for stealing money out of the register (for a friend). Had people over when we weren't here and they did a burnout in our carport and did about $1,000 damage to the new concrete that we installed not long ago got. Has told me that she is smoking weed on weekends when she is with her friends. We have on many occasions had money go missing from our wallet and have to keep them in our room and I take mine to the shower in the morning just in case she comes into our room. We feel that we can't leave anything lying around the house and I feel sick having to live like this in our own home.

What we have done.

I wake her in the morning and she has to be out of the house at 7.30 when I leave for work as I have told her that she can't be trusted after everything that has happened to be left in the home that she has no respect for.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

We use to pay her for doing chores around the house but have stopped this lately as she needs to get out their and find a job and the chores that she does do (not often) is payment for the food, and bed that she has within the home.

We have 2 international students with us at the moment and one had $100 go missing out of his bag and of course we know who took it but she always says that she hasn't. This is the last straw as we have once again had to cover money that she has taken from other people and it would add up to around the $700 or more over the last 2 years.

We love our daughter but don't like the things or the people that she is involved with at the moment and have tried everything we can think of going as far as calling the police who came and had a talk to her.

I know why she does a lot of things she does and that is she is a large girl for her age and feels that no one likes her so she does anything and everything to get attention whether it be good or bad and this is something that we noticed from the age of about 9 years. She has an older sister 21 and a younger brother 13. She gets on well with her brother, just the usual kid fights. Her elder sister and her had a good relationship up until the age of about 12 when the age gap between them started to show and her elder sister didn't want her around any more, and has not been a close relationship since. Her elder sister has just moved to the UK for up to 5 years so is no longer at home.

This is just touching the surface but hope that you can give us some advice. At the moment my husband and I are ready to pack her bags and send her out into the big wide world to fend for her self as we had enough.

Can't wait to hear from you,

Desperate Parents Yvonne and Phil

````````````````````

ANSWER:

Hi Yvonne and Phil,

Re: smoking pot and drinking…

Please forward this part of the email to your daughter. I would like for her to read the following:

Hi,

I am sorry that you feel so lonely and overwhelmed. I can sense the sadness in you and I am here to tell you that you can feel a lot better about yourself and your life. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better. I have worked with many kids your age who got their lives back under control and who became the people they wanted to be. They all were unsure whether they could handle turning their lives around but with their own courage and some support from caring family, friends and talented professionals, they did it.

You and I both know that weed can be very psychologically addicting. If you are lonely, getting a little high or quite stoned can temporarily make you feel better -- but as you know, when the high wears off, reality hits you in the face again. You must let your folks know how you have been feeling and tell them about your use of weed. They must assume some responsibility for their part in this and be the parents that you need them to be. I know that talking to them about this scares you and I don't know what their response will be.

You MUST trust some adult to help you. You cannot do this on your own and it's not because you're a weak or bad kid, it's because right now you are too overwhelmed with sadness and despair. Confide in an adult, school counselor or clergy member whom you trust. Let them take some of the burden. They will be honored that you have chosen them to trust. It's the first big step that you have to take. You need a support system and the knowledge that grownups will stand by you as you show how much courage and determination you have.

You were not meant to fail school, to have no true friends, to dull yourself with weed. You were meant to know happiness and joy. There are many people out there, just waiting for a friend like you - people who don't need you to do drugs with them to be your friend. Let someone into your life who will help guide you and support you as you come back to life, to be the girl you were truly meant to be.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Re: running away…

The following is a brief list of suggestions that can help reduce the risk of a runaway. Keep in mind that these are only suggestions than may help. If the risk is high, and your relationship is extremely poor, including the level of trust, then these suggestions may not help.

· If you get overwhelmed or upset, tell your child "I'm overwhelmed and a little upset. I need a break and a chance to calm down and think about this." Then tell them you want a 20 minute (or so) break and then you will talk to them again. Be sure to take a break.

· Never call you teenager names or label them with words like liar, a thief, a brat, a punk, childish, immature, untrustworthy, selfish, cruel, unkind, stupid, etc... These words will not help. Your child will only begin to think of you in negative terms and may even start calling you worse names.

· Never dare your child to run away because you think they may not.

· Never explain yourself or argue if your child expects you to justify the fact that you do not agree.

· Never interrupt your teenager when they are talking or trying to explain something - even if you disagree. Waite until they are done.

· Never raise your voice or yell - especially when your teenager is raising their voice or yelling.

· Never use sarcasm or a negative attitude that demonstrates that you do not respect your teenager.

· Remember you can also agree with your child, but you don't have to let them do whatever they want. For instance, you might agree that their is be no significant difference between some teenagers who are 17 years old and some people who are 21 years old, but that does not mean you will allow teenagers to consume alcohol at a party at your house.

· Remind yourself that simply listening and telling your child that you understand does not mean you will agree when they are finished, nor does it mean you will do what they seem to want.

· Stay calm and quiet, make eye contact, and don't respond if your child is angry, shouting or in a rage. Wait until they are calm.

· Talk less and use fewer words than your teenagers.

· Tell you teenager that you understand what they are saying. Say "I understand." And if you don't understand, say "I'm not sure I understand, ...tell me again."

· When two parents are speaking with a teenagers, it is important to take turns, but be careful to let your teenagers speak as much as BOTH parents speak. Both parents should talk equally and use less words than their child.

· When you don't agree and you are certain that you understand your teenager's point of view (and your teenager believes you understand) tell your teenager. "I think I understand, but I don't agree with you. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."

· When your teenager stops talking, ask "Is there anything else you want to tell me."

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Re: theft…

When teens steal, it's recommended that parents follow through with strict consequences. For example, when a teen is caught shoplifting, the parent can take the child back to the store and meet with the security department to explain and apologize for what happened. If the teen steals from parents or other family members, the police should be called and theft charges should be filed. The teen's embarrassment at facing up to what she did makes for an everlasting lesson on why stealing is wrong.

Re: hanging with the wrong crowd…

Don't expect to like all your teen's friends. After all, do you like all your friends' children?

Accept teens 'try out' friends in the same way that they 'try out' fashions, lifestyles and even values in their search for a new adult identity. Avoid over-reacting and take comfort from the fact that many teen friendships are transitory!

Get to know your teen's friends... don't exclude them. You can't hold an opinion about somebody you don't know, as your teenager will be only too quick to tell you. Encourage your teen to hang out with friends at home. Get to know them and understand what your teen sees in them. It's easier to keep an eye on potential troublemakers when they're under your own roof.

Don't sweat the small stuff... base decisions on facts, not emotions. Try to keep feelings out of the picture and avoid unsubstantiated judgments. It will only annoy your teen and send her off complaining to her friends. Look past superficial images to the people they really are. You may find that you like them. Accept experimentation when things don't really matter; hair color and body-piercings are easily reversible. Be firm on rules that are important to you, like courtesy and consideration in the home.

Avoid criticism and keep communication open. Your teenager views criticism as an attack on his own judgment and may resort to secrecy to keep you off his back. Try to initiate positive discussion about your child's general social life and interests. This can also be a good time to subtly encourage other social opportunities such as part-time work or extracurricular activities.

Above all, make sure your teen understands that you are always available to talk about concerns and provide non-judgmental advice. It's the best way to keep track of small problems before they turn into major issues. If facts truly point to a potentially harmful situation, seek expert advice on an appropriate course of action.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

=================================

Dealing With A Chronic "Running Away" Daughter

Hi Mark, My 16-year old granddaughter (who lives with her father) runs away from home fairly regularly ...usually 3-4 days at a time. And we never know where she stays during these stints. This is a critical problem for us now with the coronavirus because we don't know who she has been hanging out with or if they are contagious.. What can her father do to prevent this? What should he do if she does take off again? It's starting to become a real problem. And I worry about her safety - and ours. Thanks, A.

Too many teenagers run away 'from' something, rather 'to' something. Many teenage runaways leave home in search of safety and freedom from what they “consider” or “perceive to be” abusive treatment. Running away from home is usually a quick decision.

Each year, an estimated 1 million children, usually between the ages of 13 and 17, run away from home. The National Runaway Switchboard estimates that the average age has dropped from 16 years to 15 years, with 38% under the age of 14. While many children think about running away or may threaten to run away at some point during their childhood, for most children it never goes beyond a threat.

Increasingly, younger runaways appear to be from well-meaning families, and parents are taken by surprise at their child's actions. However, 41% of the runaways who call the National Runaway Switchboard indicate that "family dynamics" is the main reason for running.

Other concerns may be abuse, poor grades, social issues, and stress from conflicts at home or at school. Also, the breakdown in extended communities may be a factor. In previous generations, when family tensions flared, the parents and adolescent might get some respite care from a grandparent or relative who lived in the neighborhood. It wasn't unusual for the teen to stay with grandmother for a while. Unfortunately, few families today have those options available within their community.

Try to get at the heart of why she is wanting to run away!

There are several reasons children run away from home. Some do so because of an unstable family situation (divorce, a death in the family, sexual or physical abuse, or drug or alcohol problems in the parents). Some run away as a response to over-control, neglect, or conditional love. Some seek to wield power over, get undue attention from, manipulate, or punish their parents. Some suffer acute personal crises like pregnancy, substance abuse, or trouble with the law. Some are depressed, and some just seek adventure or are influenced to run away by their peers.

It may be helpful for parents to understand some of the warning signs that may appear in a preadolescent or adolescent who is considering running away. The three main causes for running away:

Frequent family fights. Some of the most common issues are about the teen's behavior, grades, friends, clothes, or staying out late.
Situations at home where the child feels unable to cope. Running away is usually a cry for help and may be the child's way of escaping abuse, a stepparent, or dealing with the breakup of the parents' marriage. These problems may be the most difficult for the parent to deal with because the parent may not acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.
Worries that the child is afraid to tell you. Troubles at school—including bullying, suspension or poor grades, anxiousness about peer issues, sexual orientation or pregnancy, and alcohol or drug problems—are not unusual concerns for students.

Other reasons for running away include the following:

For some it is fear of consequences for something they have done (bad grades, taking something that didn't belong to them, breaking up with a boy- or girl-friend, even deciding they are gay or lesbian is often a reason to run away.
For some reason, running away makes them feel free, unsupervised, no curfew hours, homework, dress code, eating habits.
For some teens, running away is a rebellion against adults and against authority.
One problem teenagers have at home these days is that both parents may be working. Mom and Dad aren't around much. They spend little time as a family. Absence of a parent does not make the heart grow fonder. Oftentimes a runaway will complain that he or she is not loved any more.
Some young people at risk of running away or becoming homeless are experiencing violence. When talking about their families, they describe being shouted at, sworn at, blamed for everything, scapegoated, hit, pushed, shoved and threatened by their parents or stepparents.
Sometimes the problem has to do with money. They can't wear expensive clothes like some of their friends. They can't buy tickets to concerts, or go on dates. For many teens economic obstacles are hard to deal with. They feel they are victims. They believe the outside world is better.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Transition times, such as moving to a new community or school, are high-risk times for students, and they may fantasize about their previous community or have romantic ideas about life on the streets. Other warning signs might include increased tension and decreased communication between the parent and child or the teen's withdrawal. These and other indicators of depression should be noted in the child.

For some parents, the first realization that there is a problem is when the adolescent runs away; for others, the child may threaten in anger to leave. The typical runaway will likely not stay away for long, typically 48 hours to 14 days. Also, very few leave their immediate community; they will usually stay with friends. Most runaways come home of their own accord. However, it is important that a threat to run away is not ignored.

What can parents do to make their children stay at home? One simple 'win over' gesture is to communicate, listen, help, understand and try to solve the problems patiently.

You can protect your child by providing a better quality of life at home. A loving and happy home atmosphere with good communication will help your child to feel secure, which will make them think twice before running away from home. Parents who care will also weigh their decision in the light of what is in the best interest of the children. Parents do not want there children to become neurotic and paranoid. Just take the time to show your child the love and affection that they deserve and need. By doing this you will not have to worry about your child being among the number of runaways in the world today.

Parents might respond to the child by listening to the child's concern and helping the child develop some strategies to cope with the problem. It may also be helpful to suggest talking with an empathetic third party such as a family friend, relative, or counselor. Reassuring the child that he is loved, and able to work through his concerns rather than running away, may help. If the child does leave, take the following actions:

Check with friends and relatives who are close to the child.
Don't be afraid to seek outside help from people who are not directly involved if it is easier for the child to talk to them.
If you are unable to contact your child, call the local police.
Make them feel it was worth coming home by listening and trying to understand their concerns, then seeing what can be done to change things.
When your child does come home, you may react with relief and then anger. However, let your children know that you are upset because you love them and are worried about their safety.

Working together to build communication and to improve the quality of the relationship between the parent and teen may be the most effective prevention for running away.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents