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Parents have a severely out-of-control 16 year old daughter...

QUESTION:

Hi I'm Yvonne and I have an out of control 16 year old daughter. For the past year and a half we have been having issues on a weekly bases with our daughter. I will fill you in quickly on some of the things that we have been dealing with over this time.

She was wagging school, suspended on 3 occasions for smoking in school uniform, got suspended for drinking at school, left home for 5 days and wouldn't let us know where she was. Started casual at McDonalds in Jan. this year but 1 mo. later decided that she didn't want to got to school anymore so left to work at McDonalds full time but got on average 15 - 25 hours a week and spent the rest of the time hanging out with her friends why we were at work. Then in March got fired for stealing money out of the register (for a friend). Had people over when we weren't here and they did a burnout in our carport and did about $1,000 damage to the new concrete that we installed not long ago got. Has told me that she is smoking weed on weekends when she is with her friends. We have on many occasions had money go missing from our wallet and have to keep them in our room and I take mine to the shower in the morning just in case she comes into our room. We feel that we can't leave anything lying around the house and I feel sick having to live like this in our own home.

What we have done.

I wake her in the morning and she has to be out of the house at 7.30 when I leave for work as I have told her that she can't be trusted after everything that has happened to be left in the home that she has no respect for.

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We use to pay her for doing chores around the house but have stopped this lately as she needs to get out their and find a job and the chores that she does do (not often) is payment for the food, and bed that she has within the home.

We have 2 international students with us at the moment and one had $100 go missing out of his bag and of course we know who took it but she always says that she hasn't. This is the last straw as we have once again had to cover money that she has taken from other people and it would add up to around the $700 or more over the last 2 years.

We love our daughter but don't like the things or the people that she is involved with at the moment and have tried everything we can think of going as far as calling the police who came and had a talk to her.

I know why she does a lot of things she does and that is she is a large girl for her age and feels that no one likes her so she does anything and everything to get attention whether it be good or bad and this is something that we noticed from the age of about 9 years. She has an older sister 21 and a younger brother 13. She gets on well with her brother, just the usual kid fights. Her elder sister and her had a good relationship up until the age of about 12 when the age gap between them started to show and her elder sister didn't want her around any more, and has not been a close relationship since. Her elder sister has just moved to the UK for up to 5 years so is no longer at home.

This is just touching the surface but hope that you can give us some advice. At the moment my husband and I are ready to pack her bags and send her out into the big wide world to fend for her self as we had enough.

Can't wait to hear from you,

Desperate Parents Yvonne and Phil

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ANSWER:

Hi Yvonne and Phil,

Re: smoking pot and drinking…

Please forward this part of the email to your daughter. I would like for her to read the following:

Hi,

I am sorry that you feel so lonely and overwhelmed. I can sense the sadness in you and I am here to tell you that you can feel a lot better about yourself and your life. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better. I have worked with many kids your age who got their lives back under control and who became the people they wanted to be. They all were unsure whether they could handle turning their lives around but with their own courage and some support from caring family, friends and talented professionals, they did it.

You and I both know that weed can be very psychologically addicting. If you are lonely, getting a little high or quite stoned can temporarily make you feel better -- but as you know, when the high wears off, reality hits you in the face again. You must let your folks know how you have been feeling and tell them about your use of weed. They must assume some responsibility for their part in this and be the parents that you need them to be. I know that talking to them about this scares you and I don't know what their response will be.

You MUST trust some adult to help you. You cannot do this on your own and it's not because you're a weak or bad kid, it's because right now you are too overwhelmed with sadness and despair. Confide in an adult, school counselor or clergy member whom you trust. Let them take some of the burden. They will be honored that you have chosen them to trust. It's the first big step that you have to take. You need a support system and the knowledge that grownups will stand by you as you show how much courage and determination you have.

You were not meant to fail school, to have no true friends, to dull yourself with weed. You were meant to know happiness and joy. There are many people out there, just waiting for a friend like you - people who don't need you to do drugs with them to be your friend. Let someone into your life who will help guide you and support you as you come back to life, to be the girl you were truly meant to be.

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Re: running away…

The following is a brief list of suggestions that can help reduce the risk of a runaway. Keep in mind that these are only suggestions than may help. If the risk is high, and your relationship is extremely poor, including the level of trust, then these suggestions may not help.

· If you get overwhelmed or upset, tell your child "I'm overwhelmed and a little upset. I need a break and a chance to calm down and think about this." Then tell them you want a 20 minute (or so) break and then you will talk to them again. Be sure to take a break.

· Never call you teenager names or label them with words like liar, a thief, a brat, a punk, childish, immature, untrustworthy, selfish, cruel, unkind, stupid, etc... These words will not help. Your child will only begin to think of you in negative terms and may even start calling you worse names.

· Never dare your child to run away because you think they may not.

· Never explain yourself or argue if your child expects you to justify the fact that you do not agree.

· Never interrupt your teenager when they are talking or trying to explain something - even if you disagree. Waite until they are done.

· Never raise your voice or yell - especially when your teenager is raising their voice or yelling.

· Never use sarcasm or a negative attitude that demonstrates that you do not respect your teenager.

· Remember you can also agree with your child, but you don't have to let them do whatever they want. For instance, you might agree that their is be no significant difference between some teenagers who are 17 years old and some people who are 21 years old, but that does not mean you will allow teenagers to consume alcohol at a party at your house.

· Remind yourself that simply listening and telling your child that you understand does not mean you will agree when they are finished, nor does it mean you will do what they seem to want.

· Stay calm and quiet, make eye contact, and don't respond if your child is angry, shouting or in a rage. Wait until they are calm.

· Talk less and use fewer words than your teenagers.

· Tell you teenager that you understand what they are saying. Say "I understand." And if you don't understand, say "I'm not sure I understand, ...tell me again."

· When two parents are speaking with a teenagers, it is important to take turns, but be careful to let your teenagers speak as much as BOTH parents speak. Both parents should talk equally and use less words than their child.

· When you don't agree and you are certain that you understand your teenager's point of view (and your teenager believes you understand) tell your teenager. "I think I understand, but I don't agree with you. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."

· When your teenager stops talking, ask "Is there anything else you want to tell me."

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Re: theft…

When teens steal, it's recommended that parents follow through with strict consequences. For example, when a teen is caught shoplifting, the parent can take the child back to the store and meet with the security department to explain and apologize for what happened. If the teen steals from parents or other family members, the police should be called and theft charges should be filed. The teen's embarrassment at facing up to what she did makes for an everlasting lesson on why stealing is wrong.

Re: hanging with the wrong crowd…

Don't expect to like all your teen's friends. After all, do you like all your friends' children?

Accept teens 'try out' friends in the same way that they 'try out' fashions, lifestyles and even values in their search for a new adult identity. Avoid over-reacting and take comfort from the fact that many teen friendships are transitory!

Get to know your teen's friends... don't exclude them. You can't hold an opinion about somebody you don't know, as your teenager will be only too quick to tell you. Encourage your teen to hang out with friends at home. Get to know them and understand what your teen sees in them. It's easier to keep an eye on potential troublemakers when they're under your own roof.

Don't sweat the small stuff... base decisions on facts, not emotions. Try to keep feelings out of the picture and avoid unsubstantiated judgments. It will only annoy your teen and send her off complaining to her friends. Look past superficial images to the people they really are. You may find that you like them. Accept experimentation when things don't really matter; hair color and body-piercings are easily reversible. Be firm on rules that are important to you, like courtesy and consideration in the home.

Avoid criticism and keep communication open. Your teenager views criticism as an attack on his own judgment and may resort to secrecy to keep you off his back. Try to initiate positive discussion about your child's general social life and interests. This can also be a good time to subtly encourage other social opportunities such as part-time work or extracurricular activities.

Above all, make sure your teen understands that you are always available to talk about concerns and provide non-judgmental advice. It's the best way to keep track of small problems before they turn into major issues. If facts truly point to a potentially harmful situation, seek expert advice on an appropriate course of action.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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How to Tell the Difference Between Normal Rebellion Versus a Psychological Problem

"My seventeen year old daughter is so very angry. She is involved with drugs and has gotten in some legal trouble as well. She is verbally abusive to me and to my husband who is her stepfather. The problem is that other times she is a joy to be around. She is funny, and very bright and creative. I wonder if she may have a psychological problem or may be an opposition defiant child. Not sure what to think right now."

How can a parent tell the difference between normal rebellion and the signal that an adolescent is troubled? Ask yourself these two questions:

1. Is this behavior change drastic for my adolescent? Normal rebellious behavior develops over time, beginning with an adolescent wanting to be with friends more and disagreeing with moms and dads more frequently. Problem rebellion is sudden and drastically out of character. For example, a normally rebellious "A" student may get a few "Bs" and cut a class or two, but if he suddenly starts failing or refuses to go to school, this can be a sign that your adolescent is experiencing an emotional crisis.

2. How frequent and intense is the rebellion? Normal rebellion is sporadic. There are moments of sweetness, calm and cooperation between outbursts. If on the other hand, rebellion is constant and intense, this can be a sign of underlying emotional problems.

Dealing with Normal Rebellion—

The main task of adolescents in our culture is to become psychologically emancipated from their moms and dads. The teenager must cast aside the dependent relationship of childhood. Before she can develop an adult relationship with her moms and dads, the adolescent must first distance herself from the way she related to them in the past. This process is characterized by a certain amount of intermittent normal rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and ambivalence. Emotions usually run high. Mood swings are common. Under the best of circumstances, this adolescent rebellion continues for approximately 2 years; not uncommonly it lasts for 4 to 6 years.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How do I deal with my teenager's rebellion?

The following guidelines may help you and your teenager through this difficult period:

1. Treat your teenager as an adult friend— By the time your youngster is 12 years old, start working on developing the kind of relationship you would like to have with your youngster when she is an adult. Treat your youngster the way you would like her to treat you when she is an adult. Your goal is mutual respect, support, and the ability to have fun together.

Strive for relaxed, casual conversations during bicycling, hiking, shopping, playing catch, driving, cooking, mealtime, working, and other times together. Use praise and trust to help build her self-esteem. Recognize and validate your youngster's feelings by listening sympathetically and making nonjudgmental comments. Remember that listening doesn't mean you have to solve your adolescent's problems. The friendship model is the best basis for family functioning.

2. Avoid criticism about "no-win" topics— Most negative parent-adolescent relationships develop because the moms and dads criticize their teenager too much. Much of the adolescent's objectionable behavior merely reflects conformity with the current tastes of her peer group. Peer-group immersion is one of the essential stages of adolescent development. Dressing, talking, and acting differently than adults helps your youngster feel independent from you. Try not to attack your teen's clothing, hairstyle, makeup, music, dance steps, friends, recreational interests, and room decorations, use of free time, use of money, speech, posture, religion, or philosophy.

This doesn't mean withholding your personal views about these subjects. But allowing your adolescent to rebel in these harmless areas often prevents testing in major areas, such as experimentation with drugs, truancy, or stealing. Intervene and try to make a change only if your teen's behavior is harmful, illegal, or infringes on your rights (see the sections on house rules). Another common error is to criticize your adolescent's mood or attitude. A negative or lazy attitude can only be changed through good example and praise. The more you dwell on nontraditional (even strange) behaviors, the longer they will last.

3. Let society's rules and consequences teach responsibility outside the home— Your teen must learn from trial and error. As she experiments, she will learn to take responsibility for her decisions and actions. Speak up only if the adolescent is going to do something dangerous or illegal. Otherwise, you must rely on the adolescent's own self-discipline, pressure from her peers to behave responsibly, and the lessons learned from the consequences of her actions. A school's requirement for punctual school attendance will influence when your adolescent goes to bed at night. School grades will hold your teen accountable for homework and other aspects of school performance. If your adolescent has bad work habits, she will lose her job.

If your teen makes a poor choice of friends, she may find her confidences broken or that she gets into trouble. If she doesn't practice hard for a sport, she will be pressured by the team and coach to do better. If she misspends her allowance or earnings, she will run out of money before the end of the month. If by chance your teen asks you for advice about these problem areas, try to describe the pros and cons in a brief, impartial way. Ask some questions to help her think about the main risks. Then conclude your remarks with a comment such as, "Do what you think is best." Teens need plenty of opportunity to learn from their own mistakes before they leave home and have to solve problems without an ever-present support system.

4. Clarify the house rules and consequences— You have the right and the responsibility to make rules regarding your house and other possessions. A teen's preferences can be tolerated within her own room, but they need not be imposed on the rest of the house. You can forbid loud music that interferes with other people's activities or incoming telephone calls after 10 p.m.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

While you should make your adolescent's friends feel welcome in your home, clarify the ground rules about parties or where snacks can be eaten. Your adolescent can be placed in charge of cleaning her room, washing his clothes, and ironing his clothes. You can insist upon clean clothes and enough showers to prevent or overcome body odor. You must decide whether you will loan her your car, bicycle, camera, radio, TV, clothes, and so forth. Reasonable consequences for breaking house rules include loss of telephone, TV, stereo, and car privileges. (Time-out is rarely useful in this age group, and physical punishment can escalate to a serious breakdown in your relationship.)

If your teen breaks something, she should repair it or pay for its repair or replacement. If she makes a mess, she should clean it up. If your adolescent is doing poorly in school, you can restrict TV time. You can also put a limit on telephone privileges and weeknights out. If your adolescent stays out too late or doesn't call you when she's delayed, you can ground her for a day or a weekend. In general, grounding for more than a few days is looked upon as unfair and is hard to enforce.

5. Use family conferences for negotiating house rules— Some families find it helpful to have a brief meeting after dinner once a week. At this time your teen can ask for changes in the house rules or bring up family issues that are causing problems. You can also bring up issues (such as your adolescent's demand to drive her to too many places and your need for her help in arranging carpools). The family unit often functions better if the decision-making is democratic. The objective of negotiation should be that both parties win. The atmosphere can be one of: "Nobody is at fault, but we have a problem. How can we solve it?"

6. Give space to a teen who is in a bad mood— Generally when your teen is in a bad mood, she won't want to talk about it with you. If teens want to discuss a problem with anybody, it is usually with a close friend. In general, it is advisable at such times to give your adolescent lots of space and privacy. This is a poor time to talk to your teen about anything, pleasant or otherwise.

7. Use "I" messages for rudeness— Some talking back is normal. We want our teens to express their anger through talking and to challenge our opinions in a logical way. We need to listen. Expect your teen to present her case passionately, even unreasonably. Let the small stuff go — it's only words. But don't accept disrespectful remarks such as calling you a "jerk." Unlike a negative attitude, these mean remarks should not be ignored. You can respond with a comment like, "It really hurts me when you put me down or don't answer my question."

Make your statement without anger if possible. If your adolescent continues to make angry, unpleasant remarks, leave the room. Don't get into a shouting match with your teen because this is not a type of behavior that is acceptable in outside relationships. What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the right to disagree and even to express anger, but that screaming and rude conversation are not allowed in your house. You can prevent some rude behavior by being a role model of politeness, constructive disagreement, and the willingness to apologize.

When should you seek outside assistance?

Get help if:

you feel your teen's rebellion is excessive
you find yourself escalating the criticism and punishment
you have other questions or concerns
you think your teen is depressed, suicidal, drinking or using drugs, or going to run away
your family life is seriously disrupted by your teen
your relationship with your teen does not improve within 3 months after you begin using these approaches
your teen has no close friends
your teen is skipping school frequently
your teen is taking undue risks (for example, reckless driving)
your teen's outbursts of temper are destructive or violent
your teen's school performance is declining markedly

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Create Win-Win Outcomes Rather than Power Struggles: Tips for Parents

We see the main problem is he has turned on us... he is angry and is baiting us... he just came in from soccer and hit me with a tirade of swearing. He was angry because he wanted takeaway food and he was told that there was food at home. He has now taken off – it is 11pm. How do we make him realise that he needs to conform to our rules. He has no friends and we are the only people who support him. The punching of the walls and threatening to tell people that his father rapes him etc are just his way of punishing us. Will keeping the screws on him keep making the situation worse or will it eventually break him?

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Re: Will keeping the screws on him keep making the situation worse or will it eventually break him?

First of all, we're not in the business of "breaking" children. This implies a power struggle with one winner and one loser. Rather, we're in the business of fostering the development of self-reliance.

Secondly, as long as you are complying with the strategies as outlined in the eBook, you should expect things to get worse before they get better. But hold on a minute…

It sounds like you are in a power struggle here. Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). IT TAKES TWO TO CREATE A POWER STRUGGLE. I have never seen a power-drunk child without a power-drunk adult real close by. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in.

Create a win/win environment. HOW?

The following suggestions teach kids important life skills including self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills instead of "approval junkie" compliance -- or rebellion.

1. Ask what and how questions: How will we eat if you don't set the table? What is next on our routine chart? What was our agreement about what happens to clothes that aren't picked up? What happened? How do you feel about what happened? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? (This does not work at the time of conflict, nor does it work unless you are truly curious about what you child has to say.)

2. BONUS: HUGS! HUGS! HUGS! A hug is often enough to change the behavior -- theirs and yours.

3. Create a game: Beat the clock or sing songs while getting chores done.

4. Decide what you will do. I will cook only in a clean kitchen. I will drive only when seat belts are buckled. (I will pull over to the side of the road when kids are fighting.)

5. Distraction for kids and lots of supervision. Punishment decreases brain development. Kids are often punished for doing what they are developmentally programmed to do -- explore.

6. Do it WITH them. You may even want to go to the positive time out area with them.

7. KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME.

8. Get kids involved in cooperation. Say, "I can't make you, but I really need your help." (10 words)

9. Get kids involved in the creation of routines (morning, chores, and bedtime). Then the routine chart becomes the boss.

10. Limited choices: Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after dinner. Do you want to set the table or clean up after dinner?

11. Make a "Wheel of Choice" together. Draw a big circle and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of solutions to problems. Draw illustrations for each solution. During a conflict, invite child to pick something from the wheel.

12. No words: Use pantomime, charades, or notes. Try a hug to create closeness and trust -- then do something else.

13. Non-verbal signals. These should be planned in advance with the child. An empty plate turned over at the dinner table as a reminder of chores that need to be completed before dinner; a sheet over the television as a reminder that homework needs to be done first or that things need to be picked up in the common areas of the house.

14. Positive Time Out. Create a "nurturing" (not punitive) time out area with your child.

15. Put the problem on the family meeting agenda and let the kids brainstorm for a solution.

16. Use reflective listening. Stop talking and listen. Try to understand not only what your child is saying, but what he means.

17. Use ten words or less. One is best: Games. Towels (that may have been left on the bathroom floor). Homework. (Sometimes these words need to be repeated several times.)

Every child needs discipline, and the discipline style can provide connection or disconnection in the relationship.

The goals of discipline are:

1. To instill values.

2. To protect the child.

3. To teach the child lifelong skills for good character, such as responsibility and self-control.

Effective Discipline is:

As fair and consistent as possible.
Be Proactive. Moms & dads find underlying causes of misbehavior as well as teach future desired behavior. Punishment tends to be reactive and aims to just stop behaviors. Discipline connects the parent and child in their relationship. Punishment disconnects them.
Kind, firm and safe.
Mutually respectful: "Do unto others as you would have done to you." Although moms & dads have far more experience and knowledge than their kids, both moms & dads and child have the same right of having their feelings and dignity equally respected.
Never includes punishment. Common examples of punishment are grounding with no time-limit, unrelated consequences, spanking, and threats of any kind.
Ninety percent prevention and ten percent correction.
Teaches and guides kids how to think for themselves. It doesn't just force them to obey. The world is a different place than 30 years ago. We don't want our kids to just blindly obey anyone — especially adults that may not have their best interests in mind. We want them to think for themselves and make good decisions.
Uses real world "cause and effect" learning experiences.

Re: Power Struggles:

• Power struggles are generally about meeting needs: the needs of the parent and the needs of the child. Both aim to get their way, but at the expense of the other person not getting their way.

• Power struggles are often the result of the use of punishment. Kids will often react to punishment in the forms of rebellion, retaliation, fear, and/ or passive resistance.

• When moms & dads and kids are locked in a power struggle, it is important for the parent to stay calm and let go for the moment. They have more experience in self-control and can switch gears easier. Refuse to participate. The time to re-examine the needs of the moms & dads and child causing the power struggle is later, when the emotional temperature in the relationship has gone down. Be sure to address it though. Don't let it go unresolved forever.

Kids don't really misbehave. They act in inappropriate ways to get their needs met. The job of moms & dads is to meet those needs and teach kids how to get them met in socially appropriate ways. Kids are like icebergs. We see the tip of the iceberg (behavior) protruding out of the water. Most of the time, we don't even look at the massive ice part under the water (which are the needs and feelings) that supports the behavior. As moms & dads, we need to jump out of the boat, and into our submarine to look at what's happening with the child underneath the iceberg tip. Once the underlying needs and feelings of the child are recognized and addressed, the behavior often improves.

The most effective discipline tools used for older, school-aged kids and teens are active listening, "I" messages, time in, changing the environment, modeling, related consequences, and problem solving. Family meetings are also especially effective for this age.

A crucial discipline tool often overlooked is meeting the needs of moms & dads. Moms & dads who are hungry, tired, stressed, need support and a time-out don't often make their best parenting decisions.

You can't raise a child in a dictatorship and expect them to function as an adult in a democracy.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Should You "Spy" on Your Sneaky Teenager?

“Should you secretly snoop on your teenage child? I am not talking about where you're open with them about your surveillance. I am talking about clandestine snooping: Reading their e-mail …checking their text messages …reading their diaries …eavesdropping on their conversations with friends …searching their room …searching their jeans -- all in secret.”

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Probably. The obvious argument for secret snooping is that you might discover something serious that you would not have known about otherwise. Maybe they are having sex with much older partners. Maybe they are selling drugs. Maybe they are thinking about suicide.

Secret snooping has a definite downside. It is dishonest. And if they find out - which they often do - kids feel betrayed.

I don't like snooping. I especially don't like secret snooping. That said, I am a believer in not being too trusting of your teenagers. Mom & dads regularly underestimate their kid's involvement in risky behavior. And teens do all they can do to keep those activities hidden from us. Fortunately, there are many things you can do before resorting to secrecy.

The first is to keep an ongoing relationship with your kids. They may at times push you away, but don't take it personally. Keep going back for more. The closer your relationship with them, the more likely they will share their world with you.

Second, when they go out, ask questions. The parent of a teenager needs to become an expert at asking very specific questions: Where are you going? Who are you going with? What will you be doing? The more specific details you demand, the less room they have for risky behavior.

Third, tell them what you consider serious risks and why - what you really think about sex, drugs, drinking.

Your last tool is open surveillance - in effect, snooping, but with their knowledge.

Snooping is a personal decision based on what you as a parent are comfortable with. Too little oversight risks giving too much wiggle room. Too much risks full rebellion. But you may want to be open about it. This is surveillance they may hate, but they know you are doing it.

Ultimately, snooping is one of those “do-the-ends-justify-the-means” deals.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Dealing with Teens Who Frequently Drop the "F" Bomb

Mark, We are doing the consequence thing (for car use, computer, phone, being able to go out etc.) and he has not had to be grounded from everything in quite a while. What I would like are some suggestions for when he gets mad (while not on any consequence), and does not like the direction of the conversation/limits he has to adhere to and starts to drop the "f" bomb either in conversation or directed at me.

====> The house rule should be "no using the f___ word." Then if he uses the f___ word at any time, just treat it like you would any other rule violation. See "When You Want Something From Your Kid" {Anger Management Chapter - Online Version of the eBook}.

This behaviour is not related to his lap top but I have started to confiscate it for 24hrs at a time. If he can go without cursing for 24hrs he has earned it back, if not the 24hrs starts over.

===> Good. This is mostly on track.

It has gotten to the point where we need to deal with it--the curfew is not much of an issue (may be 10 minutes late but the next time out he has to be home earlier), phone use is acceptable as it must be turned off at 11:00pm on school nights and he does (or loses it for 24hrs), and he gives up the car keys at night and uses the car appropriately (going to/from anywhere only with our approval) or loses it for 24hrs or more. He has not gotten violent in over a month. He continues to push, push, push with the limits, however and we do try to stay strong and unemotional. We are now ready to deal with the smaller issues but need a consequence that is meaningful (him wanting to change behavior) yet connected to the problem. Any ideas?

===> If you want to get real creative, rather than taking the laptop away (which is somewhat unrelated to cussing), you can try the following:

Give him money for chores (e.g., $15.00 a week; to be paid at the end of the week), then charge him a fee for each time he uses the f___ word.

For example, he knows he will be getting $15.00 on Saturday for the chores he has done throughout the week. In that week's time, he says F___ three times. A fee of $1.00 is assigned each time he uses the F___ word. So his total pay after deductions for that week is $12.00.

If he loses all 15 bucks - that's fine. If he uses the F___ word 16 times in a week, he is still only charged $15.00. Unlike the consequence of having computer privileges taken away, once he loses a dollar, that dollar is gone forever.

Fully expect for him to 'burn up' all 15 bucks for a couple of weeks until he gets a grip on how this system works. Allow him to make the choice to cuss, then simply charge the $1.00 fee each time (with your poker face).

Also, what "chore" every day is acceptable? Can it be something really small like to putting clothes in the hamper instead of thrown on the floor, putting his clean clothes away, or should it be something more? I am OK with the smaller stuff for now.

===> Yes! The simpler - the better.

Yes, I strive to tell him something positive everyday and "I love you. His PO feels we (family) are all making progress but when you're living in it everyday it sure may not feel like it.

Thanks again Mark!

===> You're welcome. I'm glad you're on to the smaller stuff.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents of Defiant Teenagers

==> More information on how to deal with chronic teenage rebellion...

When Your Teenage Daughter Runs Away From Home

Hi Mark,

I’m sure you’ve heard it all before when it comes to teens etc everything you state in you initial page about teens and their out of control behaviour really does apply to my 15 year old girl…. And I do mean ALL of it. So thank you firstly for being a point of contact and believe me that I will do everything to gain more knowledge and power within my own family unit to enable my daughter to be able to make better choices in her life.

One question I do have is concerning persistent runaways – my 15 year old has runaway from home 5 times we had the police, authorities and even the school involved with trying to “help” her but to no avail, after the fourth time I ended up packing up and moving 1400 km away from everything we had known even becoming separated from her father (who she initially blamed for running away) thinking that a fresh start would help – obviously this hasn’t helped as the initial problem is still there (now she admits that it wasn’t anything to do with her father) and has not been dealt with effectively….

After only 5 weeks of being here, she is fighting with a few of her 'friends' – has had ignored my 'consequence' of not being able to go and stay over at her friends house for her continued violent and aggressive behaviour, instead smashed up her room, cussed as me with a fair few profanities and simply walked out stealing money and cigarettes on the way out!

I have not on this occasion contacted the police as I have previous times, instead I issued an ultimatum via text message (she wont answer my calls) that if she did not return by 6.30pm then the police would be called. She texted back to say she was fine and will return home in 2 days when she’s calmed down!!! I issued the ultimatum again…… and left it – as I say needless to say she has not returned and I have not contacted the police yet. The question is how do I deal with her on her return?????????

I need to get this right from the very start.

Thank you

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Hi L.,

Teens run for a multitude of reasons:

To avoid an emotional experience or consequence that they are expecting as a result of a parental, sibling, friend or romantic relationship/situation.
To be with other people such as friends or relatives who are supportive, encouraging and active in ways they feel are missing from their lives.
To change or stop what they are doing or about to do.
To escape a recurring or ongoing painful or difficult experience in their home, school or work life.
To find companionship or activity in places that distract them from other problems they are dealing with.
To keep from losing privileges to activities, relationships, friendships or any other things considered important or worthwhile.

As parents or guardians we strive to create positive, loving households in order to raise respectful, successful and happy adults. In order to achieve this, rules must be put in place. Teens who run away from home are often crying for attention. Some teens will attempt to run away just once, after an unusually heated argument or situation in the household, and return shortly after. More serious cases, however, happen with teens in extreme emotional turmoil.

Parents also need to be extremely aware of the symptoms, warning signs and dangers of teenage depression. Far too many teens are suffering from this disease and going untreated. Often, runaways feel they have no other choice but to leave their home, and this is in many cases related to their feelings of sadness, anger and frustration due to depression.

There are many causes of depression, and every child, regardless of social status, race, age or gender is at risk. Be aware and be understanding. To an adult juggling family and career, it may seem that a young teenager has nothing to be "depressed" about! Work for a mutual communication between the two of you. The more your teenager can confide his/her daily problems and concerns, the more you can have a positive and helpful interaction before the problems overwhelm them.

Teens who become runaways will have shown symptoms and warning signs prior to running away. Knowing these signs is the first step to prevention; the second is learning how to prevent symptoms all together. Communication is KEY!

Suggestions for preventative conversation:

Always use direct eye contact when speaking.
Anger is difficult to subside. However, it is important to never raise your voice or yell/scream at your teen, especially when they are already doing so. A battle of strength doesn't get anyone anywhere.
If both parents are involved in the conversation, it is very important to take turns, rather than gang up on your teen together. Make sure each parent allows time for your teen to speak in between.
If your teen is demanding or threatening you, be sure to get professional advice or help from a qualified mental health professional.
Keep a calm demeanor and insist that your teen does as well. Do not respond to their anger, but instead, wait until they are calm.
Keep in mind that it is possible to agree with your teen, without doing whatever they want you to. For example, you might agree that there are little differences between 17 year-olds and 21 year-olds, but that doesn't mean you agree with having a party serving alcohol at your house.
Let's say you are sure you understand your teen's point of view and they understand you understand. If you still don't agree with their statement, tell your teen "I think I understand, but I do not agree. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."
Make sure that you comprehend what your teen is saying, and when you do, let them know. Simply stating "I understand" can go a long way to making your teen feel as though you are respecting their feelings and thoughts, as well as taking them in to consideration.
NEVER interrupt your teenager when they are speaking or trying to explain their feelings or thoughts. Even if you completely disagree, it is important to wait until they have finished. Keep in mind that just listening and using the words "I understand" does not mean that you agree or will do what they want.
Never use threats or dare your teen to run away, even if you think they wouldn't do it.
Refrain from using sarcasm or negativity that may come off as disrespect for your teen.
Take a break if you get too overwhelmed or upset to continue the conversation with a calm attitude.
Talk less, slower, and use fewer words than your teen.
Under no circumstances should you use derogatory names, labels or titles such as liar, childish, immature, untrustworthy, cruel, stupid, ignorant, punk, thief or brat. Continue to be respectful of your teen, even if they have been disrespectful to you.
When your teen has finished speaking, ask politely if they have anything else they'd like to talk about or share with you.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, some children may respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. If this occurs, defuse the situation, but do NOT threaten or challenge your child.

For example: Daughter, you know that I cannot control you. And if you really want to run away from home, I cannot stop you. I cannot watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because I love you, I cannot stand by and watch you hurt yourself by _______________ (e.g., not going to school, using drugs or alcohol, destroying house property), and running away from home will not solve the problem. You and I know it will only make matters worse.

Teens who run away are not bad. They have made a bad decision. They got themselves caught up in pressures that they felt the need to escape from. Instead of facing their problem and solving it, they chose to run from it. We need to teach our teen how to face their problems, even if the problem is us. When they have the right tools to fix some of the things that may be going on in their lives, the pressure lessens, and there is no more need for them to escape.

Every teen either has tried or knows another teen who has run away. I haven't met a teen yet who didn't know of someone's experience of running away. This can be a real problem, considering most teens will glamorize the experience.

Parents of teens who run away are not bad parents. You cannot lock them in. As much as you would like to build a wall around them, it is their choice whether or not to walk out the door.

If your teens runs:

Call the Police, IMMEDIATELY! Don't wait 24 hours, do it right away.
Get the name and badge number of the officer you speak with.
Call back often.
Call everyone your child knows and enlist their help.
Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
Search your teen’s room for anything that may give you a clue as to where he went.
You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls they may have made recently.

When your teen comes home:

Take a break from each other. Do not start talking about it right away. Your emotions are too high at this point to get anywhere in a conversation. Go two separate directions until you both have gotten some rest.
Ask and Listen. Why did they leave? You may want to evaluate a rule or two after speaking with them, but do not do so while having this talk. Tell them you are willing to think about it, and you will let them know.
Tell them how you felt about them going. Let them know that they hurt you by leaving. Let them know that there isn't a problem that can't solve. If they ever feel that running away might solve something, have them talk to you first. You could always offer other choices, so they can make a better decision.
Get some help. If this isn't the first time or you have problems communicating when they get back, it's time to ask for help. This could be a person that your child respects (e.g., an aunt or uncle), or you may want to seek professional help.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

==> Click here for more parenting advice on how to deal with teen rebellion...

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter Won't Talk About What's Bothering Her

"Thanks for allowing me to join Online Parent Support. My question is how can I get my 16 year old daughter to open up about what is going on in her life. When I ask her, I get the same old response 'Nothing'. I can clearly see that something is terribly wrong."

This is normal. Your daughter confided in you when she was young, but those days are gone for now. She will confide in you again when she becomes a mother herself someday.

It sounds like she may be depressed. But again, this is a fairly normal emotion – especially for teenage girls.

Let her know that you’re there for her, fully and unconditionally. Hold back from asking a lot of questions (teenagers don’t like to feel patronized or crowded), but make it clear that you’re ready and willing to provide whatever support she needs.

Don’t give up if she shuts you out at first. Talking about depression can be very tough for teens. Be respectful of your child’s comfort level while still emphasizing your concern and willingness to listen.

Resist any urge to criticize or pass judgment once she begins to talk. The important thing is that your child is communicating. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or ultimatums as well.

Don’t try to talk her out of her depression, even if her feelings or concerns appear silly or irrational to you. Simply acknowledge the pain and sadness she is feeling. If you don’t, she will feel like you don’t take her emotions seriously.

If your daughter claims nothing is wrong, but has no explanation for what is causing the depressed behavior -- and she starts talking about suicide -- you should trust your instincts. Remember that denial is a strong emotion. Furthermore, teenagers may not believe that what they’re experiencing is the result of depression.

If you see depression’s warning signs, seek professional help. Neither you nor your teen is qualified to either diagnosis depression or rule it out, so see a doctor or psychologist who can.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

-------------------------------

Next post:

During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?

Click here for full article...

Discipline Methods That Make a Bad Problem Worse

D___ is beyond out of control. He is still grounded from his computer until he has completed his 10 day sentence to alternative school (he tries constantly to get them back- just for 1hr cause I am being good type deal). But the real issue is at school. He is in alternative school right now and the teacher today says D___ is being so bad that if he does not stop they are going to have the police write him a ticket!!!! This is up to a 500.00 fine that I DO NOT HAVE OR WILL EVER HAVE and WILL NOT PAY so i don't know what happens then?? !! The teacher asked him to stop talking and D___ says she has no right to take away his freedom of speech, he refuses to do this work, told the teacher she is horrible at her job! HE IS A NIGHTMARE. I got him on the phone and told him he had better keep his &%&)%$(&)^% mouth shut and i mean NOW! So what do I do know that I blew it again? Strip his room to a mattress and make him earn every piece back? Or take everything and give it all back when he is done with this school or what? I still have no idea what the heck I am doing. All I know is he is killing me. I am so upset.

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Hi S.,

10 days is too long. I recommend a 1 - 3 day discipline – not 10.

For behavior modification to work, the program must have certain properties:

A few important behaviors need to be targeted. Rather than targeting "being good," you might try “no talking in class.”
It must be consistent. There is no bending of rules in this sort of thing: no difference between the mom or dad or teacher.
It should be simple and straightforward so that your child easily understands it. If your child can read, it should be written down. If possible, your child should sign it and agree to it.
The behavior must be clear cut and not fuzzy. Things like "listen when I tell you something" won't work, because it is too unclear. A better idea would be, "If you choose to ______________, then you’ll choose to be grounded for 3 days with no game privileges."
The rewards and punishments need to be geared to the individual.
The rewards should not be money or things that are bought, but rather should be privileges, which you can grant or activities, which the child can do. Behavior Modification should not require a bank loan.
There needs to be an even mix of negative and positive reinforcers. A typical Positive one would be a later bedtime on the weekend or a choice of dinner. A typical negative one would be going to your room or no cell phone.

Here are some examples of good vs. bad behavior modification programs:

D_ talks in class when he is not supposed to. This drives his parent nuts and she would like to kill him when he comes home. The behavior she wants is to have D_ not talk during class.

The Assertive Parent-- The positive reinforcer would be if he does not talk during class for 5 days, he can have a friend stay over and they can stay up late. The negative reinforcer would be that if the parent gets another complaint from school, D___ will be grounded for 3 days with no games.

The Passive Parent --If you don’t talk in class, I will pay you five dollars or you will be able to stay up as late as you want at our house that night. If you DO talk in class, nothing bad will happen.

The Aggressive Parent --The next time I get a call from school, you’ll be grounded for 10 days.

Another important point is to AVOID POWER STRUGGLES AT ALL COST. One of the reasons you continue to struggle with D___ is because you are in a power struggle with him. Kids ALWAYS win power struggles because they have less to lose in the long run. Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). Closeness and trust create a safe learning environment. You have a positive influence only in an atmosphere of closeness and trust where there is no fear of blame, shame or pain.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

I have never seen a power drunk child without a power drunk adult real close by. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in. Create a win/win environment. HOW?

The following suggestions teach children important life skills including self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills -- instead of "approval junkie" compliance or rebellion:

Be consistent with the limits and rules.
Determine what the consequences will be before an inappropriate behavior happens.
Expect non-compliance. Testing the limits is normal behavior for a teenager.
Learn to speak in a calm but firm tone. Keep the lines of communication open. Yelling and screaming never helps.
Listen to their feelings and keep an open mind. You still have the ability to say no, so why not listen to what they have to say.
Stay rational – you are the adult. If need be, take a 'time out' yourself.
Take deep breaths, count back from 100, and remember the goal is to have a happy, healthy young adult when you are done.
Use an Action Plan (see below) if necessary.
Use natural and logical consequences (see below). Be firm and stick with them.

Here’s an example of an Action Plan. Let’s use the example of Internet use:

Internet Privileges

I know that the World Wide Web is not a toy. It is as interesting, and dangerous as being able to walk down any street, in any town or city, in the world. It reflects all parts of life today, which is fascinating and scary.

In order to have the privilege of using the World Wide Web, I need to follow these rules, so I can keep myself and my family safe.
I will never give out personal information to anyone online, including but not limited to:

my full name, or anyone else's
my address, or anyone else's
my passwords, or anyone else's
my phone number, or anyone else's

I will always be polite when chatting online, I will treat them with the respect that I expect to be given. If I am treated unkindly, I will not reciprocate in the same manner. I will leave the chat room if I get too angry.
I will never personally meet anyone I have meet online without the permission of my parents. If this opportunity should arise, I fully expect my parents to come to the meeting.
I will never call anyone I have met online without the permission of my parents.
I will report all incidents in chat rooms to my parents and to the room administrators.
I will not go surfing in areas that are not appropriate including, but not limited to websites:

that are of a sexual nature
that promote hate
that are offensive in language
that are of a violent nature

I will not go surfing around looking for new places without my parents permission.
I will follow these rules whether I am at home, at school, or at a friends. If my friend is not following these rules, I will leave.
I will not purchase anything online without permission of my parents. If I do not follow these rules I expect that (here's where you put the consequence, ie... to lose computer privileges for one week.)

Child's Signature:__________________________________

Parent's Signature:________________________________

Deciding Between Natural or Logical Consequences—

When parents want their children to learn from their mistakes, they have the choice of allowing the child to deal with the natural consequences or set up logical consequences. But how do you choose between the two types of consequences? When is one more effective than the other?

When natural consequences are immediate they are very effective. If your teen touches a hot pot, he/she will get burned and is not likely to do that again. Many times, however, natural consequences are not immediate or are too dangerous to allow. Running into the street without looking does not always have immediate consequences. Either does not wearing a seat belt when driving. Both actions, though, could have dire natural consequences that no one wants. Therefore, the natural consequences aren’t what a parent should use to teach their teen the responsibility of their own safety and it is up to the parents to sort out a logical consequence that will promote the desired behavior – in this instance not running into the street without looking or wearing a seat belt.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Another instance of when logical consequences will be more effective than natural consequences is while your teen is getting a high school education. The benefits of good grades in school are so far off into the future that teens do not fully comprehend them. While your teen can repeat what he/she has been told: ‘good grades will get you into a good college and you’ll make more money’, until he/she sees the type of job or paycheck a college education can get, he/she will not understand the difference. Logical consequences, including rewards for good grades and privileges taken for poor grades work best as your teen can fully understand these.

There are times when the natural consequence is the better choice for the parent to make. One excellent example is when your teen is dating or making friends. Finding out what type of person your teen wants to be with and how your teen wants to be treated is going to be his/her choice. Dating or making friends with someone who isn’t his/her type is going to show that to him/her. Barring any mistreatment from a friend or a date, parents will need to hold their tongue and refrain from giving their opinions in order to let the natural consequences – positive or negative – happen.

Discipline choices are never easy. Hopefully knowing the difference between natural and logical consequences will help you make the right choices for you and your son.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PARENT'S RESPONSE:

Thanks Mark!

I agree the 10 days is too long and against the programs suggestions - I chose the 10 days more out of pressure from my live in boyfriend that is more of the opinion that my son should be grounded for a month for getting into alternative school with nothing but a bed in his room and not allowed to leave his room other than to eat so the 10 days (the length he is in this school) was more of a peace maker on my own part (yes there are other issues at play here). But since that is what I told my son I figured it better for me to stick to it even though I know its too long rather than backing out of it like I typically have done in the past. I know next time the importance of keeping it simple and the boyfriend will have to deal with it.

Last night I decided the discipline for refusing to do his work at school and talking back and arguing with the teacher would be him losing the privilege of his TV and stereo for 2 days. I told him he can earn those privileges back in 2 days by 1. doing his work as requested in school and 2. not getting into a verbal confrontation with anyone at school (teacher, student- no one!) I did explain to him that if he chooses not to do what is required the 2 days will start over. I then told him he must go clean his room until dinner was done then he could shower and go to bed for the night. He took it very well and before he went to bed he apologized to me for how he acted at school. I told him I loved him and asked him to sit down for a minute. I told him that I wanted him to understand that freedom of speech is a blessing we have in this country and our forefathers did not intend that right to be used as an excuse to be hurtful and disrespectful to people. I let him know freedom of speech was created so people could not be imprisoned for speaking their beliefs however it does not protect those from being punished if they use speech to disrupt the public or harass people. He seemed to really listen - I hope he gets it!!

I emailed his teacher today and told her what his discipline is and asked her if she could please let me know if D___ is doing the 2 things required to earn his tv and stereo back. I guess for the ps4 and computer I need to stick to giving them back after the 10 days is up since that is what I told him???

So I know I have blown it a few times but I am still trying :) I have faith and hope but boy I do get discouraged sometimes. I appreciate your patience with that. I have never really had someone try to help me in a productive way. I have been told "YOU NEED TO BE A PARENT" and "YOU NEED TO GET HIM UNDER CONTROL" and that has been the so called help I have gotten so far. So I thank you!

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With A Chronic "Running Away" Daughter

Hi Mark, My 16-year old granddaughter (who lives with her father) runs away from home fairly regularly ...usually 3-4 days at a time. And we never know where she stays during these stints. This is a critical problem for us now with the coronavirus because we don't know who she has been hanging out with or if they are contagious.. What can her father do to prevent this? What should he do if she does take off again? It's starting to become a real problem. And I worry about her safety - and ours. Thanks, A.

Too many teenagers run away 'from' something, rather 'to' something. Many teenage runaways leave home in search of safety and freedom from what they “consider” or “perceive to be” abusive treatment. Running away from home is usually a quick decision.

Each year, an estimated 1 million children, usually between the ages of 13 and 17, run away from home. The National Runaway Switchboard estimates that the average age has dropped from 16 years to 15 years, with 38% under the age of 14. While many children think about running away or may threaten to run away at some point during their childhood, for most children it never goes beyond a threat.

Increasingly, younger runaways appear to be from well-meaning families, and parents are taken by surprise at their child's actions. However, 41% of the runaways who call the National Runaway Switchboard indicate that "family dynamics" is the main reason for running.

Other concerns may be abuse, poor grades, social issues, and stress from conflicts at home or at school. Also, the breakdown in extended communities may be a factor. In previous generations, when family tensions flared, the parents and adolescent might get some respite care from a grandparent or relative who lived in the neighborhood. It wasn't unusual for the teen to stay with grandmother for a while. Unfortunately, few families today have those options available within their community.

Try to get at the heart of why she is wanting to run away!

There are several reasons children run away from home. Some do so because of an unstable family situation (divorce, a death in the family, sexual or physical abuse, or drug or alcohol problems in the parents). Some run away as a response to over-control, neglect, or conditional love. Some seek to wield power over, get undue attention from, manipulate, or punish their parents. Some suffer acute personal crises like pregnancy, substance abuse, or trouble with the law. Some are depressed, and some just seek adventure or are influenced to run away by their peers.

It may be helpful for parents to understand some of the warning signs that may appear in a preadolescent or adolescent who is considering running away. The three main causes for running away:

Frequent family fights. Some of the most common issues are about the teen's behavior, grades, friends, clothes, or staying out late.
Situations at home where the child feels unable to cope. Running away is usually a cry for help and may be the child's way of escaping abuse, a stepparent, or dealing with the breakup of the parents' marriage. These problems may be the most difficult for the parent to deal with because the parent may not acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.
Worries that the child is afraid to tell you. Troubles at school—including bullying, suspension or poor grades, anxiousness about peer issues, sexual orientation or pregnancy, and alcohol or drug problems—are not unusual concerns for students.

Other reasons for running away include the following:

For some it is fear of consequences for something they have done (bad grades, taking something that didn't belong to them, breaking up with a boy- or girl-friend, even deciding they are gay or lesbian is often a reason to run away.
For some reason, running away makes them feel free, unsupervised, no curfew hours, homework, dress code, eating habits.
For some teens, running away is a rebellion against adults and against authority.
One problem teenagers have at home these days is that both parents may be working. Mom and Dad aren't around much. They spend little time as a family. Absence of a parent does not make the heart grow fonder. Oftentimes a runaway will complain that he or she is not loved any more.
Some young people at risk of running away or becoming homeless are experiencing violence. When talking about their families, they describe being shouted at, sworn at, blamed for everything, scapegoated, hit, pushed, shoved and threatened by their parents or stepparents.
Sometimes the problem has to do with money. They can't wear expensive clothes like some of their friends. They can't buy tickets to concerts, or go on dates. For many teens economic obstacles are hard to deal with. They feel they are victims. They believe the outside world is better.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Transition times, such as moving to a new community or school, are high-risk times for students, and they may fantasize about their previous community or have romantic ideas about life on the streets. Other warning signs might include increased tension and decreased communication between the parent and child or the teen's withdrawal. These and other indicators of depression should be noted in the child.

For some parents, the first realization that there is a problem is when the adolescent runs away; for others, the child may threaten in anger to leave. The typical runaway will likely not stay away for long, typically 48 hours to 14 days. Also, very few leave their immediate community; they will usually stay with friends. Most runaways come home of their own accord. However, it is important that a threat to run away is not ignored.

What can parents do to make their children stay at home? One simple 'win over' gesture is to communicate, listen, help, understand and try to solve the problems patiently.

You can protect your child by providing a better quality of life at home. A loving and happy home atmosphere with good communication will help your child to feel secure, which will make them think twice before running away from home. Parents who care will also weigh their decision in the light of what is in the best interest of the children. Parents do not want there children to become neurotic and paranoid. Just take the time to show your child the love and affection that they deserve and need. By doing this you will not have to worry about your child being among the number of runaways in the world today.

Parents might respond to the child by listening to the child's concern and helping the child develop some strategies to cope with the problem. It may also be helpful to suggest talking with an empathetic third party such as a family friend, relative, or counselor. Reassuring the child that he is loved, and able to work through his concerns rather than running away, may help. If the child does leave, take the following actions:

Check with friends and relatives who are close to the child.
Don't be afraid to seek outside help from people who are not directly involved if it is easier for the child to talk to them.
If you are unable to contact your child, call the local police.
Make them feel it was worth coming home by listening and trying to understand their concerns, then seeing what can be done to change things.
When your child does come home, you may react with relief and then anger. However, let your children know that you are upset because you love them and are worried about their safety.

Working together to build communication and to improve the quality of the relationship between the parent and teen may be the most effective prevention for running away.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some examples of good vs. bad behavior modification programs:

D___ talks in class when he is not supposed to. This drives his parent nuts and she would like to kill him when he comes home. The behavior she wants is to have D___ not talk during class.

Deciding Between Natural or Logical Consequences—

D_ talks in class when he is not supposed to. This drives his parent nuts and she would like to kill him when he comes home. The behavior she wants is to have D_ not talk during class.