She needs to leave, and the sooner the better...

Hello Mark,

I sent you an email the other day about our daughter having a party in our house while we were gone and that she said she didn’t. Well we found beer in our fridge, etc. And lots of other stuff, and she sort of admitted to something going on in the house.

I spoke with her about my feelings and I am not okay with it, but I was able to say how I felt. My husband on the other hand is so upset about it that he isn’t speaking to her. This is often how he handles things with her and they just don’t talk.

I have to agree with my husband that she is very disrespectful to him and to me when she does talk about how she feels. He often has to leave the room, because she isn’t respectful. His stand on things is that she needs to leave and the sooner the better. I agree she needs to move out, but I don’t agree that he should not be speaking to her. They don’t even acknowledge each other in the same room. Her graduation is coming up and he doesn’t want to go. I feel in the middle all the time... Any suggestions? Is it right for him not to talk to her?

P.

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I would suggest staying out of it all together. Here’s why:

The more responsibility you take for the relationship between father and daughter – the less responsibility they will take. This is their problem to work out on their own terms. It’s not your problem unless you choose to make it so.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
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I'll Break Every Window In The House!


I have a 17-year-old son that has become increasingly defiant and angry with me (his mom), although I don't understand why because I've always been his number 1 supporter. Well, he skipped a couple of classes yesterday at school, so I gave him three days of grounding. He said he couldn't be grounded, because he had plans already established with his friends. I told him he would have to change them, that I expected him home after school. He said "no" - and he didn't come home after school.

He called me and told me if I decided to call the police to go find him, that "I" would face his wrath of him breaking every window in my house (he's never exhibited violence before). He has recently began saying "F__ you” to me, like it's normal behavior. I turned off his cell phone because of it, but it has made him even angrier.

I've read through the ebook, but either missed it, or didn't understand - how do you even begin to start putting the online plan into place when the teen isn't in the mindset to work with the parent? He has no fear, and could care less about the consequences - because he just does what he wants to do anyway.

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In the case where the teenager refuses to accept any consequences, we issue one warning and then follow through with the consequence if the warning if it is ignored.

Say to your son, “If you choose not to accept my consequence for your poor choices, then you will choose to accept someone else’s consequence – the police and juvenile probation.”

Then if he refuses to accept your consequence, go to your local Juvenile Probation Department and file either a runaway or incorrigibility complaint.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
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What should I do?


I do not know what to do anymore besides turn my 17-year-old son out of the home. His dad and myself have been divorced for quite some time (he was an alcoholic and after we divorced he pretty much abandoned my son and daughter). I met a man 5 years ago who has been an active part of my son’s life, but since we have been together my son has displayed constant negative behaviour (delinquent).

In December we got a call from the school principal who suspected my son was selling pot. When he came home my fiancé found it so we did what we thought was best and turned him in to the police. He was recommended to youth diversion. He is currently doing this program and just last night I came home from work to find a note left. My son said he had gotten a call from a friend to say her boyfriend was abusing her. He took my fiancés car keys (he wasn’t home at the time, he works offshore) and my son hit a concrete barricade and beat up his car. He doesn’t have a license or insurance. What should I do? If I turn him in to the police again, he will be charged.

Please help.

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As you may know from reading “My Out-of-Control Teen” eBook, over-indulgence is the main contributing factor to children’s behavior problems.

To save your son from painful emotions associated with his poor choice to drive without a license would be a form of over-indulgence. Thus, the recommendation would be to file an accident report with the police. Additionally, your son should be working to earn money to help pay for the damages.

Hold him accountable,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
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Things have gradually become a lot worse...

Dear Mark,

I would be grateful for any advice you could give me regarding my daughter, E___:

E___ is just 18 and has a younger brother (M___) age 15, she lives at home with both parents (myself & my husband) - we are both doctors and I have worked during their childhood.

She has always been very bright & done well academically at school but has found it hard to make friends. This is in contrast to her brother who finds schoolwork hard going but is very popular and easy-going. This led to problems in their childhoods, as various nannies & carers have found M___ much easier.

We have had a turbulent few teenage years but things have gradually become a lot worse with a number of problems -

Driving: she has the use of a car and has had 2 serious accidents - both her fault; and around 6 minor bumps all of which she refuses to take responsibility for. She has been on an advanced driving course and her car use restricted.

>>>>>>>>>> What does she do to earn car privileges? What is she doing to earn some money to help pay for damages to vehicles? How long is her use of the car restricted (should go no more than 7 days)?

Stealing: strongly suspect she has taken cash from me, husband & brother, also I am worried she has taken trinkets etc from shops - I have no proof and she vehemently denies it though.

>>>>>>>>>>> No proof = no consequence.

School: she has always wanted to be a vet and has an offer from the Royal Vet College (which means she has to get prescribed results in her A levels, which start on Monday) - she started to get fed up with the continual exams we now have in the UK education system about 18 months ago, which has led to a gradual decline in her work to such an extent that we don't think she will get the grades she needs.

>>>>>>>>>> If poor academic performance is a source of parent-child conflict, then please see the recommendation outlined in “Emails From Exasperated Parents” (online version of the eBook).

Her 18th birthday (May 2) was lovely - we had a celebration with relatives and then she went out with her friends, but since then she has become very angry and resentful - she often tells me what a bad mother I was, always tired from work and shouting at her - which unfortunately may be partly true. She makes hurtful personal remarks to all of us. She over-reacts in response to trivial comments and swears at all of us. She has become intractable over house rules. She now says she no longer wants to be a vet & doesn't care about her exams.

>>>>>>>>>> Re: hurtful, personal remarks— Use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (Anger Management chapter of the online version of the eBook).

We did have some success with your methods, but we are very worried now - she is 18, & supposedly an adult, so we feel we have to give her some leeway, but how do we draw the line - can we put a lot of this down to exam pressure?

>>>>>>>>>> As long as she is living in your house, she should abide by your house rules. So in this sense, there is no “leeway.” Leeway = over-indulgence. How is she preparing to launch (i.e., to leave the nest)? What is the deadline for her to be out on her own? Remember, we want to promote the development of self-reliance – not dependency.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
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A Little Drinking, Sex, and Curfew Violation

Dear Mark,I totally appreciate your e-book and study almost everyday. We are in the middle of the battle with a 17 year old daughter and we are staying above water. If you could help me with a few questions.

She has snuck out twice. The second time at her dad's where she thought she would not get caught. This time it was a little drinking, sex, and out the whole nig  This boy wants to marry and he is trouble. My daughter has always been very quite and made A's, B's in school …now, mostly C's and wants to live with him and his mother. They have no rules or structure in their home and he is constantly telling my daughter I am the enemy and I am horrible. When I get off track with how to react, I go back to the guidelines you have set up in your e-book and start over.

The question is this boy? We, her dad, step-dad and myself, do not want her seeing him and we want her to get back on track with studies and what she needs to do to head for college. Do you have anymore wisdom for me? We have been advised to get family counseling. My daughter does not want anything to do with it.  HELP! Ms. B.

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Hi Ms. B.,

You have a Romeo & Juliet phenomenon on your hands that will need to be diffused (if not, they will continue to work harder at sneaking their rendezvous behind your back).

Unfortunately, if your daughter wants to be with someone -- she'll find a way, no matter what you say or do. Parents can only guide their children in the right direction and hope for the best. If they do a good job, their daughter will make the right decision all on her own. 
 
Since you will not be successful at keeping those two apart, you must adopt a philosophy of if you can’t beat ‘em - join ‘em. In other words, they should be able to see one another within limits, and you decide what those limits are. Maybe your limits will look something like this:

· They can be together at your house only during those times that you are home and can monitor their behavior (if not, he has to leave)

· Or you could schedule some activity for them in which you would be a distant chaperon (e.g., take them to a shopping plaza and tell them to meet you back at the coffee shop in exactly one hour)

· Or your daughter is allowed to go over to her boyfriend’s house for a designated time period (if she violates the time limit, there is a consequence that is commensurate with the “crime”)

Figure out a way for your daughter to see her boyfriend in a way that will keep her safe. This is the best you will be able to do.

Mark

 
How much longer will you tolerate dishonesty and disrespect? How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure? Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change?  ==> If so, then this may be the most important article you'll ever read!
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Are We Doing The Right Thing?

Mark,

Things had been going relatively well for approx. 3 weeks. I had e-mailed you re: some suspicious behavior, but couldn't prove it. I was feeling pretty good. Well, Thursday was the start on a backslide. He was asked to call me at work from landline phone as soon as he came home from lacrosse practice and to get something out for dinner. He was to take his last class of driving school (me transporting him) and then rush to his 9 yr old brothers baseball game. No phone call ever came. When I walked in, he was in his room, pretending to be napping (I think he was on his phone). Husband, me, 16 yr old got caught up in an argument re: this.

I ended up taking him (I had already NOT taken him twice before for behavior) since I am trying to hold up my end of the bargain, (husband was REALLY mad), made it back for most of the baseball game, and 16 yr old had to be off the phone early that night (this was suggested, not ordered, and was given freely 15 minutes early) AND lost cell phone until after school the next day. (I felt phone for phone was appropriate.) Friday was fine, went out, was where he said, and in by curfew.

Saturday afternoon, son and husband got into an argument over 16 yr old picking on 9 yr old and trying to take MP3 player away from him while he was listening to it (we are all in the car on the way to a b'day party). They got to swearing at each other, I got pulled into this and Dad telling me I was taking his side, I'm too easy, Blah, blah, blah. Dad ended up not going to the party. After several hours, 16 yr old's friend came to pick him up and they were going to the local fair. Friend was to drive him home by midnight. IF ANY plans were to change, he was to call me.

Curfew came and went, and no M______. I started calling, no answer. All of his friends were home and said the other one(s) was taking him home (they all drive). Find out, the kids ended up at a girl's house with no adults home--party time and at one point police were there. Was told my son was drinking. Told that night by this girl and another friend he was being brought home by someone I never heard of. Called the girl's house and was given the same story. Don't know the girl, or where she lives. Well, he never came home at all until 11:30am the next day. He never answered his phone--calling multiple times. 
He came strolling in as if nothing was wrong. (His grandmother was also over as she was going to stay with our 9 yr old and we were going to this girl's house with police escort to see if our son was there. He came home before we could leave.)

We calmly (for the most part) told him we (parents) were the adults, it was our home, our rules, he was a minor child and must follow them like them or not. He must face the consequences of his actions: no cell phone, no phone privileges, no computer, and no going anywhere or having anyone over until further notice. I also did confiscate some of his favorite clothes. No driver's road test until later either since we could not trust him. If he chose to break these punishments, we would go to the police and file incorrigible charges. We would get back to him about length of time of grounding when we could think about it a little more.

We did tell him by Friday (this happened Sat. night) he could have his computer back if followed the grounding. I am entertaining letting him have "land line" phone for 30minutes/day to be used in the family room or kitchen also (if Dad agrees). If he follows these rules, he may be off grounding with approved friends/places the following weekend. There have been some hints at defiance, but he has mostly gone along with this.

He has said he was going to a soccer game on Tuesday but was told no and was at the school when I picked him up, he was going to have a friend call me to see if he could go out on Friday or would go anyway (told him no), and I believe he used our phone when we went to my 9 yr olds baseball game (no one home and can't prove this), and was trying to go out after school another day in the guise of "practice" the same day as a game, and told he would be picked up right after school and was there.

At times his mood is great, others not. I am trying SO HARD to not show my emotion in all of this, but my gut is doing flip-flops constantly and I haven't slept well in days. I want so badly for him to do the right thing.

I guess what I'm writing this LONG e-mail for is confirmation that what we're doing is the right thing. Is it appropriate? Is the length of time OK? We are telling him he can EARN back his privileges by his behavior. Is the testing us normal? How do you trust again after this? Would you still let him get his license? Thinking about getting a GPS if we do let him.

Thanks again for all of your support and wisdom. I just wish we had been more firm with him when he was younger, but we never saw this behavior coming.

J.

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Re: Is it appropriate? You are definitely ‘on track.” Good work.

Re: Is the length of time OK? Disciplines should never go longer than 7 days. If it goes longer than 7, the kid forgets what he is being disciplined for – and the lesson is lost.

Re: Is the testing us normal? Absolutely.

Re: How do you trust again after this? You don’t. Never believe a word he says. Verify everything. Assume that whatever comes out of his mouth is a lie. I know this sounds radical, but the bottom line is this: Lying is a way of life for intense, out of control kids. You have been deceived more than you’ll ever know.

Re: Would you still let him get his license? Yes. We want to foster the development of self-reliance – not dependency. If he has his license, he will not be dependent on others for transportation. I do understand that having a license could possibly lead to other problems in the future. In these cases, we have to weigh the advantages against the disadvantages. If he ABUSES driving privileges, he LOSES driving privileges -- but for no more than 7 days (3 days works best, and believe me -- 3 days will feel like an eternity to him).

Mark Hutten, M.A.
By

What's Normal?

I was looking for a chart of normal behavior in young teens, do you know where I could access this. If as parents we don't know what normal behavior is for a 12 year old per say, then how can we judge them as being abnormal?

We have a son who seems to "need to control things" a huge amount of the time from everything to how he uses the toothpaste (dribbling it all over the sink wastefully) to how something should be done. He doesn't seem to be able to recognize he is doing this even when it is pointed out to him. He has to always end a conversation even when he is told to shut up repeatedly. He is even to the point where he mumbles to get in the last word. He is on concerta for add ...could the meds be doing this?

Thanks for any info.

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If you factor in (a) genetics, (b) environment and (c) personal choice -- you find a wide range of behavior that can fall into either the "normal" or "abnormal" category -- depending on who you are talking to. "Normal" is a relative term.

The little bit of behavior that you have described is slightly reminiscent of some obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I'd have to have more information to comment further.

p.s. Ideally, your son should not be told to 'shut up'.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
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