Things are running more smoothly...

Hi Mark,

It has been a couple of months since I have emailed you. I went back over the e-book and got some clarification. I must admit, though, I feel some things are still not presented clearly. However, in genera, things are running more smoothly. The kids have more jobs to do (nothing for free) and don't complain when I ask them to help out (well, most of the time!). They actually offer to help more now, which I find amazing. For the most part, we have pleasant dinners and car rides now. A couple of weeks ago the kids got a 3 day grounding for a major fight in the car. It took 7 days to work through it, but finally they managed to spend 3 days being pleasant to each other and everyone else. It was the most peaceful, consecutive 3 days we have ever had with our kids! Truly wonderful!

However, my daughter B___ (11) is complaining that we are being grossly unfair when her 3 day groundings start over, so I would like to run this by you. Maybe we are being too harsh. This is the latest scenario. 5 days ago B___ was angry at me regarding something I was going to do with her brother (7 yo) and came into his room while I was there and gave him a full force kick and punch. I sent her to her room to calm down and told her that she was grounded for 3 days. (If the kids just get into a little physical fight they only get 1 day. But this was an unprovoked and brutal attack, I felt). She felt this was grossly unfair, screamed/yelled, clawed/scratched her neck, choked herself, threw something at me etc. I stayed calm, she eventually calmed down but accused me of not caring about her because I let her hurt herself. We didn't give her very much sympathy, just said it must really hurt.

(To get off grounding for physical violence my kids have to 1. get their jobs done on time; 2. no physical/verbal violence to each other; 3. no physical/verbal violence or disrespectful talk to parents and 4. do what they are told. Any infringement is cause for restarting the 3 day grounding. For 2 and 3, I do not give warnings, the grounding just starts over. )

For the past 5 days they have had some small fights which have resulted in Eric getting a couple of one day groundings and B___ having to restart her 3 day grounding. Tonight she had one day left of the 3. Eric was playing on the floor. She walked over and picked up a piece of what he was playing with; he told her to put it back, she did nothing, he started yelling at her and tried to grab it; she still said/did nothing but did not give it to him. He finally started punching her. He got a one day grounding and she started her 3 days over. (I did not give them a warning to stop) B___ said she was doing 'nothing'. They were sent to their rooms to cool off for a few minutes until supper time. 15 minutes later I went to get B for supper, and she told me that to restart her 3 days was very unfair. She said she did nothing wrong. I told her that I understood that she felt that way, but that I disagreed. I asked her if she could think of something that she could have done differently to prevent the blow up. She couldn't. I said that it was a matter of timing. She could have chosen to give the toy back right when Eric first asked for it. I agreed that he did overreact. I said, calmly, that that was the way the rule worked. B___ got very upset, started yelling, pulling her hair out and scratching at her neck. I said I was going to eat and she could come up later and eat after we were done. She accused me of not caring b/c I was leaving her when she was hurt.

I am concerned about this self-mutilation she has started to do. She often threatens to cut herself with scissors but has not. But to be honest, I am wondering if I am being too hard with this grounding. I would appreciate it if you could tell me if any part of the above is unreasonable or unfair, or if I should handle it a different way.

Thanks,

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: things are not presented clearly.

If parents read the entire eBook and listen to all the audio files, the strategies are usually fairly clear. If you haven't viewed all the power points and listened to all the audio, you may benefit from doing so.

Please read this page re: cutting ==> click here.

Re: 3-day-discipline. I think these emails from parents with similar questions will help clarify:

How Do They Earn Their Way Off Discipline?

How do you eat an elephant?

I hope this helps. Stay in touch.

Mark

I feel like we're leading a secret life...

Hi Mark,

My husband and I have been reading your info online and find it very helpful and educational.

Our son, has been out of school for 2 weeks. We kept him home for one week before he was hospitalized. He was in a depression and had hit his low. This week he checked in to a very nice facility in Pasadena and has been out. He has a teacher, nurse, doctors, support groups etc.

My problem is talking to people to ask where he is or the attendance office at school. My husband and I usually say, "He was under some stress and needed some time off." Last night my husband and I went to our first session with him with his psychologist (Who he likes and listens to). It was a tough but good session.

Tonight is back to school night. My husband will stay home with our 9 year old and I will go and meet his teachers whom we have been in contact with. He is a bright student in the honors program. They move very fast in class. He is a Junior. I have asked for another homework packet for the week for our son to work on while he is not at school. What do I say tonight at the "Back to School Night"?

I did send a letter to his teachers saying: upon his return to school if the teachers would ease him into the schoolwork, so as not to stress or overwhelm him. His water polo coach is the one we will have the most trouble with. We have left 2 messages for him and he has not returned either one. He is going to ride our son upon his return.

They are trying our son on Depacote 250mg. twice a day. With this we need him to exercise. Our son is very good water polo player and need to return for exercise so as not to have a weight gain. He can tend to get a little overweight w/o exercise.
I feel like we're leading a secret life in what to tell people and not to be too honest, for they will judge him or label him later.

AAAhhhhhhhh.....

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

D. and C.

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This is easier said than done, but don’t try to cover-up anything. I’m concerned that will create more problems than it prevents. And do NOT attempt to get teachers to pamper your son. This too may cause more problems than it solves.

Are you taking on too much responsibility for your son, and are you trying to save him from uncomfortable emotions? If so, this goes against the grain of the parenting program you are currently working.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Dealing with Violent Behavior in Kids & Teens

"My son sucker punched me. I'm not violent, and to say the least, it really surprised and hurt me (emotionally, he didn't hit hard enough to hurt) ...he is 13." 

 

==> Click here for help with violent behavior in your child...

Now we find ourselves in another prediciment...

Mark, I am not sure if you remember me but my name is D___ and my husband and I build Target Stores across the country and currently we are building one in Michigan. I talked to you last year about my then 15 year old step-daughter who had called CPS on us, NUMEROUS TIMES, and you were beyond helpful. We did get and read your wonderful E-book. Did we DO it??? Well, we tried to, meant to, wanted to... but no we did not. Now we find ourselves in another prediciment with L__ and I am literally ready to pack my bags and walk out of here and I need some back-up desperately.

I do not want to leave but I need my husband on-board here and helping with L__, who is now 16. Due to his lack of involvement over the past 9 HORRID years of marriage and MY raising L__ alone, he does not get it! I am very strict! DO I think too strict? No. L__ is out to kill us, at least me, mentally. She does the most subversive things and I cannot believe he does not see it! He then will see her fake tears, that FLOW ALL THE TIME, and he then shows some sign of "poor thing" and I swear I want to SCREAM! And Do!

L__ is horrible, uncontrollable, I cannot do my job because she cannot be trusted anywhere in the house! So my job suffers and his flourishes! I protect him from her like I am the posterchild for co-dependency and then hate myself. It appears to be a no-win. Maybe it is. She does not care about anyone but her! Period. My other children...She could care less!

Last night she walked to Burger King and decided to stop at a creek and sit in the middle of it and take glass and barely carve her wrist (ex nursing background) and then comes back home, wet, crying and saying "I did something really bad". Hell, I thought she stole something, AGAIN. I was working at my home office but she proceed to throw a "attention-cide" fit like the ones we have seen MANY times before. When we asked her why, she says "because she cannot take her consquences".

Her wrist was nothing. I have scratched myself on worse while walking the dogs! It was the WHOLE earlier part of the day where she had decided she must have some mental dis-order because she cannot do what is right and demanded to go a shrink. When we said we had NO mental health coverage and that she had tapped us out last time, she was furious! Also, C___ and I know her pattern. She was playing us with her wrist (and admitted it later) to "get" to a shrink" to get her FIX of plundering US!

Now here we are! Today. Ruined! Another day of MY work lost! I am losing it! Please, what can we do? We would gladly pay for your time on a phone call if possible. Anyhow... I am sorry to write and unload. I have just had it. Take Care, D.

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Hi D.,

Yes, I remember you well.

I think you'll have to detach emotionally. It seems to me that you are (a) taking on too much responsibility, (b) taking your daughter's behavior too personally, and (c) taking life too seriously [the life of a co-dependent].

I would suggest that you get busy taking care of YOU, and put other people's problems in God's hands. The less responsibility you take for others, the more responsibility they will take for themselves. The more you can lighten-up, the more others will lighten-up.

Co-dependence is a condition of lost self-hood. It is defined as any suffering that is associated with, or results from, focusing on the needs and behavior of others. It can mimic, be associated with, aggravate, and even lead to many of the physical, mental, emotional or spiritual conditions that befall us in daily life.

We become co-dependent when we turn our responsibility for our life and happiness over to other people. Co-dependents become so pre-occupied with others that they neglect their true self - who they really are.

When we focus so much outside of ourselves, we lose touch with what is inside of us: our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, experiences, wants, needs, sensations, intuitions, unconscious experiences, and even indicators of our physical functioning, such as heart rate and respiratory rate.

Co-dependence is the most common of all addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. We believe that something outside of ourselves - that is, outside of our true self - can give us happiness and fulfillment. The "elsewhere" may be people, places, things, behaviors, or experiences. Whatever it is, we may neglect our own selves for it.

Self-neglect alone is no fun, so we must get a payoff of some sort from focusing outward. The payoff is usually a reduction in painful feelings or a temporary increase in joyful feelings. This feeling or mood alteration is predicated principally upon something or someone else, and not on our own authentic desires and requirements.

One of our reasons for ‘being’ is to get to know ourselves in a deeper, richer, and more profound way. We can do that only if we are truly in relationship with ourselves.

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My son has achieved the impossible...

Just to say that with patience and tolerance we appear to have won the battle. My son dropped out of school before the end of year 10. Didn't take any GCSE's. This last month my son has achieved the impossible. He has applied for a got one of the best engineering apprenticeships in the country, beating over 120 other candidates. He is the youngest apprentice on the course. He loves it and is attending college.

Hopefully the corner has been turned.

Just thought you might like to hear of some success.

E.

Online Parent Support

He has already missed 10 days of school...

Mark,

I have a really bad situation here and need you.

My child is a SR on probation for 6 months -due to Being under the Influence. He lost his license due to many points. He has had numerous wrecks. He has ADHD but won't take his Rx. He has not done well in school but is very capable and scores off the charts with testing. PSAT score was 1100.

He has already missed 10 days of school and now wants to drop out of school. HELP ME! There is an alternative school that is a possibility. The Jr. College he wants to go to will accept him with a GED and not even taking his SAT's.

I am afraid he will regret this and I am also scared he may go to jail.

Thank you so so much,

P.

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Hi P.,

Just FYI, most of my juvenile clients have withdrawn from regular school and are either attending an alternative school or preparing for their GED – based on my recommendation. This is due to the fact that these kids fail miserably in regular school, but do very well in an alternative setting. I’m sure this will be the case with your son.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I see this sad, lonely alone young man...

Hi Mark,

I bought the book some time ago, and it has helped tremendously. However, I still don't know what else to do.

2 years now, and my 18 year old son refuses to socialise, refuses to get a job (we are now in a foreign country, so he has a point), refuses any kind of help, refuses to get involved in any activities, whether they are lone activities or not,....his anger problem is a bit better, but still out of control.........better because of your book and my different re-action........

I see this sad, lonely alone young man, and it breaks my heart. 2 years now, and I'm his only contact. His Dad doesn't bother, and all our family have passed away. I just don't know what else to do. Over the years I've tried everything, and I mean everything, and everyone. Including giving him his own time and space, but nothing different happens. I get off his back. He is happy watching tv. using the computer and playing video games.

How can I help him, if he doesn't want to be helped? But I don't want to live like this anymore.

Please help me,

Anne Jackson


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You are living with a young adult who is emotionally/socially under-developed. Many factors have contributed to this, but to look at causes will be of little benefit.

I think it's possible that you feel sorry for him, and as such, are not implementing the "tough love" concept to it's fullest intent. Until you truly get on board with the program (i.e., follow the recommendations in the Online Version of the eBook, specifically the section in the Anger Management Chapter entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid"), then you will be living with a 28-year-old man ten years from now.

I would suggest "getting ON his back" rather than off. Give him a deadline in which he will either have to be working full time or attending school full time - or some combination thereof.

Mark
Online Parent Support