No excuses – just action!

Dear Mark,

I have been working with the e book but things with my daughter are not good. I am a single parent; her mom has been out of the picture since she was three. The problems I have had are her not honoring her curfew. 10pm on school nights and 2 am on weekends. She does poorly in school, hangs with the wrong crowd, is using marijuana and the list goes on. This month she will turn eighteen and I feel that it would be best for me to just let her leave so I can find some peace. I feel like I don't love her anymore, she has caused me so much pain. She does not respond to any consequences.

I am a teacher so I feel like I have failed my most important student. The damage is done and does not seem reversible.

What happens when she turns eighteen and she feels she has the right to do whatever she wants? How can I enforce anything? She has played all her cards and is on a losing streak? What can be done? Do I just exit with my heath and sanity intact and leave her to her insufficient resources? I am very tired.

Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

M.

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Hi M.,

Bear with me here, and don’t get upset with me just yet.

If you are allowing your daughter to stay out until 2 AM on weekends and not involving the authorities regarding her drug abuse, then you are clearly not working my program.

Having said this, your most important objectives now are (a) to begin taking care of you, and (b) to begin preparations for her to move out.

You are not a failure, neither as a teacher or a mother. You did the best you could given the circumstances.

I agree that some “damage is done” – but it is reversible. You’ll need to adopt a new perspective now. This new frame of mind will include:

1. Mentally going beyond the problem and projecting yourself to a future time where the problem could not possibly matter anymore.

2. Developing a part of you that serves as an impartial and dispassionate observer of your daughter, regardless of circumstance – which is called “healthy emotional detachment.”

3. Visualizing your daughter as a mother going through her own parent-child conflict.

4. Asking God for guidance, trusting that you will receive that guidance, and detaching from the outcome.

5. Reminding yourself that your daughter is a “work in progress.” She will get her act together eventually. You have done far more good than you are willing to realize today.

6. Letting go and letting God take it from here.

7. Reminding yourself that all things work together for good. It’s likely that something wonderful is emerging from your current situation -- but that you haven’t seen it yet.

What will you do today to take care of you?

What proactive task(s) can you engage in today that will begin the process of helping your daughter move out around the time she turns 18?

No excuses – just action!

Mark

Online Parent Support

I have no support system...

Mark,

I've followed week 1 exactly as written but not sure if I'm ready to move on to next step. My child is 15 yr old with ADD, ODD, depression, and currently not attending school because he was moved to an alternative setting and he "doesn't like it". I don't feel ready to move to next step with him. I have no support system (family and or friends to talk with and or help me with this child). Should I just move on and let the school situation play out on its own? I need your advice, thanks.

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Hi T.,

Yes, you want to keep moving forward. Most of the members of Online Parent Support are single moms who get little or no support from others. You are in the majority.

You really do need to find some support however. Consider the following resources:

· Pastors/Ministers of your local church or synagogue
· Counselors/Therapists at your local Mental Health facility
· School counselors
· Your local Department of Family & Children Services

Investigate your community to see what services they offer. I’m sure there are a few service providers that you are unaware of. Don't be afraid to reach out. There are people right now somewhere who would be eager to help you.

Mark

Online Parent Support

ADHD/ODD Son Waits Until the Last Possible Moment to Get Up for School

"Is there anything you can recommend for a 14 year old male (has ADHD and ODD) that consistently waits until the last possible moment to get up in the morning and get ready for school? We have tried everything we can think of. He is awake well in advance but refuses to get prepped/eat breakfast/be ready on time. The good news is (at least to this point) is that he does indeed get up and get to school. We understand his motivation is to get a "rise" out of us and see us get frustrated. We would appreciate your thoughts."

Parents unwittingly cause morning madness by not instilling that the routine is a family requirement and not an option. A non-negotiable routine must be established, and consequence discussed and determined (e.g., "If you don't get up on first call, your bedtime is 15 minutes earlier tonight"). It's the "wiggle room" that causes meltdowns and tantrums on the very morning parents have a "must make" meeting.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some ideas to help your child get up on time:

1. Avoid all-nighters. Don't allow your child to wait until the night before a big test to study. Cutting back on sleep the night before a test may mean he performs worse than he would if he had studied less - but got more sleep.
2. Avoid stimulants. Don't allow beverages with caffeine after 4 PM.
3. Before bedtime, have them unwind by keeping the lights low. Light signals the brain that it's time to wake up. Staying away from bright lights - including computer screens - as well as listening to soothing music, can help the body relax.
4. Clothing - down to clean socks, underwear and shoes - should be laid out each night before bed. Youngsters can play a role in choosing the outfit, but no changes are allowed once their head hits the pillow. And, then stick with it! The only exceptions should be an unknown tear or stain, or surprise change in the weather. This avoids missing socks, unmatched shirt and shoes, and keeps getting dressed a simple step in beginning the day vs. a looming battle.
5. Create the right sleeping environment. Studies show that teens sleep best in a dark room that is slightly on the cool side. Close the blinds or curtains (and make sure they're heavy enough to block out light), and turn down the thermostat in the bedroom (your child can pile on extra blankets or wear PJs if he's cold). 
6. Designate an area for all essentials that can eliminate the crazed morning syndrome when you're trying to leave. Shoes, backpacks, car keys, cell phones, purses, etc., should be placed in this area every day - always - so they are always in place and ready for action. Keep a cell phone charger in this area so your phone is charged for the day. Not having to hunt down keys or other last-minute essentials is a time and blood pressure saver, for sure!
7. Don’t allow children to stay up late on weekends. Don't go to sleep more than an hour later or wake up more than 2 to 3 hours later than you do during the week.
8. Help them relax their mind. Avoid violent, scary, or action movies or television shows right before bed — anything that might set the mind and heart racing. Reading books with involved or active plots may also keep the child from falling or staying asleep.
9. If you've got more than one kid in the house, and especially if you have a large family, consider staggering wake-up times for greater efficiency. Start with kids who need assistance first, or the ones who are real sleepyheads who move at a snail's pace come mornings.
10. In the morning, wake kids up with bright light. Bright light in the morning signals to your body that it's time to get going.
11. It's just not enough to get dressed and eat. How many times have kids missed the bus because they couldn't find their homework or didn't have their backpack put together? If you drive your kids, then put their organized backpacks in the car the night before. Lunches should also be prepared just before bed and easily grabbed from the fridge ready-to-go. Jackets should be in a central location. The "snatch and go" theory really does work in the mornings.
12. Kids can learn to awaken by an alarm clock and get themselves up without mom or dad hovering and yelling, "Are you up yet?" Let them decide what is the best time for the alarm to go off and get ready on time. If this means Rhonda doesn't get her hair braided or Michael doesn't get second helpings on cereal, encourage them to set their alarm 15 minutes earlier tomorrow. Cause and effect ...it's a good lesson to learn!
13. One mom swears by weekly breakfast menus. Another mom adheres to cereal and fruit. Yet another has her kids eat the $1 breakfast at school each morning. Breakfast is important, and some experts argue that it is the most important meal of the day. So your kids need a nutritious start each a.m. However, that start shouldn't put parents in a work bind or make kids late for school.
14. One way to make it easier for kids to get up in the mornings is to create the occasional "kids get up...NOT" day as a reward. If it's a school holiday, lazy weekend opportunity, or just about any reason at all, parents can make a special celebration out of the exception. The "not" day also serves to reinforce the lesson that normal mornings have a schedule and expectation, and that occasionally everyone gets a break from the routine.
15. Parents really can help to determine whether their kids become morning risers or morning whiners. If parents moan and groan, are always frantic, grumpy and running late themselves, then how can they really expect anything more of their own kids? Good advice is to get up earlier yourself, start that coffee, or do 10 minutes of exercise, and then show that Positive Mental Attitude and really mean it when you greet your kids with "Good Morning!"
16. Set a regular bedtime. Going to bed at the same time each night signals to the body that it's time to sleep. Waking up at the same time every day can also help establish sleep patterns. So try to stick to a sleep schedule.
17. Some parents unwittingly set their kids to fail with their morning routines by giving them unexpected chores and duties, which causes whining and a mad rush to end up on time. Consider creating a checklist of what absolutely must be done each morning, and then forget the rest. If you want your child to make his bed every morning, then make that a requirement. However, cleaning the cat box can surely wait until a kid gets home.

If none of the above works – or if you need more tips that do work, don’t hesitate to email me again: Mark Hutten, M.A. - mbhutten@gmail.com

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents