Guide for Teachers

Mark,

Would you have any information for teachers and how they can deal with out of control students?

Thanks in advance,

Ms. Margy

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Hi Ms. Margy,

Yes. Here’s a “Guide for Teachers”:

Guide for Teachers--

I. Brief Overview

A. Present main points from:
Behavior Problems: What's a School to Do? - Excerpted from Addressing Barriers to Learning Newlsetter.

1. Refer to the outline entitled Intervention Focus in Dealing with Misbehavior for a concise description of strategies for managing misbehavior before, during and after its occurrence.

2. Utilize the Logical Consequences section to discuss the nature and rationale for implementing consequences, as well as a review of appropriate guidelines for using discipline in the classroom.

B. Labeling Troubled and Troubling Youth: The Name Game - Excerpted from Addressing Barriers to Learning Newlsetter, Vol. 1(3), Summer 1996.

§ Refer to this document to provide a theoretical framework for understanding, identifying and diagnosing various behavioral, emotional and learning problems. This framework accounts for both individual and environmental contributions to problem behavior.

II. Fact Sheets

A. The Broad Continuum of Conduct and Behavioral Problems - Excerpted from The Classification of Child and Adolescent Mental Diagnoses in Primary Care, American Academy of Pediatrics (1996). Excerpted from a Center Guidebook entitled: Common Psychosocial Problems of School Aged Youth, pp. III B-5 (1999) and a Center Introductory Packet entitled: conduct and Behavior Problems: Intervention and Resources for School Aged Youth (1999).

0. This document serves as an additional resource for understanding and identifying variations in the nature and severity of behavior problems.

1. This document should be referenced for additional information on variations in the manifestation of specific problem behaviors at different stages of development (infancy through adolescence).

B. Conduct Disorder in Children and Adolescents - Center for Mental Health Services Fact Sheet ( http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/CA-0010/default.asp).

0. Note the section titled What Are the Signs of Conduct Disorder, which lists the symptoms of Conduct Disorder. These signal more severe problems that must be addressed.

1. Because families may look to teachers or school counselors for help and/or referrals for their child, it is important to know what resources exist. The section What Help Is Available for Families? may be helpful in generating ideas about referral interventions.

C. Fact Sheet: Oppositional Defiant Disorder - Excerpted from a Center Introductory Packet entitled: Conduct and Behavior Problems in School Aged Youth, pp. 113 (1999). As adapted from an Ask NOAH About: Mental Health Fact Sheet: Oppositional Defiant Disorder, The New York Hospital / Cornell Medical Center. ( http://www.noah-health.org/english/illness/mentalhealth/cornell/conditions/odd.html).

0. Note the section titled Symptoms, which covers symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

1. Ideas for interventions might be found in the section titled Treatment, and families can be encouraged to use the principles listed under Self-Management.

D. Children and Adolescents with Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder Center for Mental Health Services Fact Sheet ( http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/CA-0008/default.asp).

0. Note the section titled What Are the Signs of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, which lists the symptoms of ADHD.

1. Again, the section What Help Is Available for Families? may be helpful in generating ideas about referral interventions.

III. Tools/Handouts

A. What is a Behavioral Initiative? - Excerpted from a Technical Assistance Sampler entitled: Behavioral Initiatives in Broad Perspective, Center for Mental Health in Schools (1998).

§ A brief overview of what a "behavioral initiative" is and why taking a proactive approach to behavior management is necessary under the reauthorization of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA).

B. School-Wide Behavioral Management Systems - Excerpted from an ERIC Digest by Mary K. Fitzsimmons.

0. Note that one of the main points of the article is that effective behavioral management requires a system that will "provide opportunities for all children to learn self-discipline." Thus, the focus is not on discipline strategies.

1. Reinforce the points made by Tim Lewis of the University of Missouri (at the bottom of page 1). Objectives need to be realistic, need-based, and accompanied by multiple levels of support.

2. The section titled Common Features of School-Wide Behavioral Management Systems can be used to generate discussion about encouraging commitment to a school-wide program incorporating a code of conduct and social/emotional skills instruction.

C. Student's Perspectives / Addressing Underlying Motivation to Change - Excerpted from a Guidebook entitled: What Schools Can Do to Welcome and Meet the Needs of All Students, Unit VI, pp 16-17 and Unit VII, pp. 23-28. Center for Mental Health in Schools (1997).

0. This resource addresses the question "why?" in the discussion of students' problem behaviors. It also provides a list of assessment questions to guide understanding of the problem when it occurs.

1. An assessment tool is provided as a guide in the assessment of problems from the student's point of view. This tool comes in one form for young children, and another form for all other children and youth.

IV. Model Programs

A. Social Skills Training (Examples): - Excerpted from a Technical Assistance Sampler entitled: A Sampling of Outcome Findings from Interventions Relevant to Addressing Barriers to Learning, Center for Mental Health in Schools.

B. Violence Prevention and School Safety - Excerpted from a Technical Assistance Sampler entitled: A Sampling of Outcome Findings from Interventions Relevant to Addressing Barriers to Learning, Center for Mental Health in Schools.

C. Excerpts from: Building on the Best, Learning What Works: A Few Promising Discipline and Violence Prevention Programs - Excerpted from American Federation of Teachers (2000). ( http://www.aft.org/pubs-reports/downloads/teachers/wwdiscipline.pdf)

V. Additional Resources

o QuickFinds related to Behavior Problems at School:

0. Anger Management

1. Bullying

2. Classroom Management

3. Conduct Disorders & Behavior Problems

4. Oppositional Defiant Disorder

5. Safe Schools and Violence Prevention

VI. Originals for Overheads

The following can be copied to overhead transparencies to assist in presenting this material.

o Behavior Problems: What's a School to Do?

o Labeling Troubled and Troubling Youth: The Name Game

o Addressing the Full Range of Problems

o Interconnected Systems for Meeting the Needs of All Students

Online Parent Support

By

Refine - Refine - Refine

Hi Mark,

I have a son, N____, who is 6yrs and has been a great challenge for us as parents particularly from around the age of 1. He had very wild tantrums through the years quite often. Jumping to the present time I am grateful for the insight my friend and psychologist has given me about him. He informed me about ODD – oppositional defiant disorder and gave me website to check out. This brought me to you and I purchased your e-book and have been working my way through it. But I find it seems to be referring to older children, which may be connected as to why he is not responding to my attempts.

He is extremely strong willed and determined to be in control. He is very defiant and rebellious and breaks the discipline. I admit I have not been so good at keeping emotion out of my responses to him or not arguing with him. But we are at crisis point and don’t know what to do. We changed track with him the other night when my husband put him to bed early without dinner! He hated that but got up the next morning with the same behaviour.

We have 4 children – 21, 19, 15 and 6. 1st and 3rd child are quite easy going but the 2nd child has always been a burden for us. It is only recently that she has been diagnose with Borderline Personality Disorder and ODD. She is currently in a clinic for help. All my children have been born premature and the 2nd and last child born 5 and 6 weeks early. Now I am aware of mild learning disorders in the family. Nathan has Hyperlexia and is starting classes relating to this. His difficult behaviour is off and on. It comes in waves. Sometimes he is very delightful for weeks and then its back on for weeks. This bad patch has been going on a few weeks since going back to school after the holidays.

What are your thoughts and feelings toward these details I have shared Mark?

Regards,

E.

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Hi E.,

The strategies in the eBook apply to children between the ages of 3 and 17. I doubt that his lack of “responding” is due to the age-appropriateness of the program. The goals of this program are to (a) foster the development of self-reliance in the child and (b) provide intensity (e.g., attention, interest, energy) ONLY when the child is behaving according to expectations. Thus, age is not the important issue here.

I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in My Out-of-Control Child eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure."

For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

1. Are you asking your son at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in his life? (page 20 of the printable version of eBook)

2. Are you saying to him "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return? (page 20)

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out? (page 20)

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes? (page 25)

5. Do you use "The The Art of Saying - and Sticking With - No" whenever your answer is no? (page 25)

6. Do you catch him in the act of doing something right at least once each day? (page 25)

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed? (page 31)

8. Do you give him at least one chore each day? (page 31)

9. Do you find something fun to do with him each week? (page 54)

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up? (bottom of page 50)

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?"

If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is he EARNING ALL of his stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle" - page 19)

13. Have you listened to ALL the audio in the Online Version of the eBook?

14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”

15. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Don’t give up just yet. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Join Online Parent Support
By

Poor Academic Performance

Mark:

We just signed up for your program today and wonder where you have been for these past two turbulent years. Our son is a 14 year old freshman. He is very gifted academically (has tested in 90thpercentile on all standardized tests and qualified for honors classes). He is also gifted in the arts and music. For most of his 14 years we have not had major problems. Matthew was adopted at birth and diagnosed with ADD in 4th grade. He has been seeing therapists for the past two years, because he began displaying depression, self-cutting, and defiance. He takes Adderall and Lexapro. Matthew's new defiance is to refuse to do his homework. We have tried bribing, threatening, ignoring, and begging. We have attached his requests for a privilege (ie: going to a friends) to completion of his homework. He chooses not to socialize with friends as oppose to doing homework. We have sat and watched an "A" student turn into a "C-D" student and this semester is carrying "Ds and Fs". He does not seem to be phased that he is running the risk of not playing on the school soccer team next year. Yet tells everyone he loves playing soccer for his school. He does not seem phased that he may be kicked out of the Catholic school he attends or may need to repeat 9th grade. His father and I are at our wits end. We are open to any suggestions. We can say with almost 100% certainty that he is not drinking or doing drugs (his doctors have screened him for that and came up negative).

Please send any suggestions.

Thank You,

C.

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Hi C.,

First (and most importantly), be sure to only do 1 session per week. To implement a bunch of new parenting changes all at once will be the kiss of failure.

Secondly, the recommendation (see link below) for poor academic performance depends on whether or not (a) poor performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict and (b) the child has a history (one grading period or more) or poor academic performance.

Click here ==> Poor Academic Performance to go to the Q & A page of the Online Version of the eBook where you will be given 2 options for dealing with this problem. Pick the option that best fits your current situation.

Thanks for the question. Stay in touch,

Mark
By

What happens to children with ODD when they grow up? Will they become criminals?

Podcast Segment on ODD, Mark Hutten, M.A.


Parenting Children with ODD
By

4 year old student diagnosed with ODD...

Mr. Hutten,

I am a Preschool Teacher that has a 4 year old student that has been diagnosed with ODD. I was wondering if you could help me with any suggestions in helping this child. I use the Parenting with Love and Logic on this child and believe in giving him choices so that he feels he is still in control, of course I am happy with the two choices that I give him, but would appreciate any other suggestions in helping this child.

Thank you,

Penny

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Hi Penny,

Here is an e-Book on Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Conduct Disorder (CD), and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) by my colleague Jim Chandler, MD. He works on the pharmaceutical side of intervention, whereas I work on the behavioral modification side.

==> CLICK HERE to go to the e-Book.

By

How To Ground?

I have a question about grounding. Lets say I ground Dylan from his ps2 for 3 days for being sent to alternative school. So I take the controllers and he continues to act out and mouth off (because its BS he cant use his ps2 cause he did NOTHING wrong-naturally). I can restart the 3 days for each time he acts out but truly we would be up to 45days of no ps2 before the first 3 days is even up. Dylan accepts no punishment generally. Because well he has never done anything wrong and everyone is out to get him. So in reference to earning his way out do I say well you re up to 45 days of no ps2 because of your actions and your mouthing off but if you will talk to me and your teachers with respect for the next 3 days you will earn your ps2 back in 3 days?

I dont get it but I want to. Because "I" could never survive the 45 days of grounded and he knows it. Its not realistic and I feel like the lesson of you cant yell and cuss at the teacher is so far off from where it started and about a ps2 struggle now. So lets say ok he is good for 3 days- earns his ps2 back did he learn not to misbehave at school and not get sent to alternative school or did he learn he can act as horrible as he possibly and do whatever he wants and then "act" sweet for 3 days and its all over?

I am truly trying to grasp all of this because I have no idea. I am the poster child of the passive parent so discipline in NOT my gig at all and its very hard me. But I am trying ! I am on page 29 of the ebook and want a clear understanding of how that works before I move on.


Thanks -

S.

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Hi S.,

This is covered in Session #2 <== click.

Be sure to read "How Do You Eat An Elephant" [located near the bottom of the page].

Mark
By

Temper Tantrums (Ages 3-12): Guidelines for Parents

“I have a stepchild who is 13 years old and has tantrums that can last for hours. There are 6 other siblings in the house and this can be exhausting. Last night, his tantrum or fit lasted 3 hours. His father sent him outside and we told him he could come back in and finish his homework when he finished his fit. The yelling and screaming and pushing the doorbell and the horn in the truck was just part of it.”

It is much easier to prevent temper tantrums than it is to manage them once they have erupted. Here are some tips for preventing temper tantrums and some things you can say:
  • Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.”
  • Change environments, thus removing the child from the source of the temper tantrum. Say, “Let’s go for a walk.”
  • Choose your battles. Teach children how to make a request without a temper tantrum and then honor the request. Say, “Try asking for that toy nicely and I’ll get it for you.”
  • Create a safe environment that children can explore without getting into trouble. Childproof your home or classroom so children can explore safely.
  • Distract children by redirection to another activity when they tantrum over something they should not do or cannot have. Say, “Let’s read a book together.”
  • Do not ask children to do something when they must do what you ask. Do not ask, “Would you like to eat now?” Say, “It’s suppertime now.”
  • Give children control over little things whenever possible by giving choices. A little bit of power given to the child can stave off the big power struggles later. “Which do you want to do first, brush your teeth or put on your pajamas?”
  • Increase your tolerance level. Are you available to meet the child’s reasonable needs? Evaluate how many times you say, “No.” Avoid fighting over minor things.
  • Keep off-limit objects out of sight and therefore out of mind. In an art activity keep the scissors out of reach if children are not ready to use them safely.
  • Make sure that children are well rested and fed in situations in which a temper tantrum is a likely possibility. Say, “Supper is almost ready, here’s a cracker for now.”
  • Establish routines and traditions that add structure. For teachers, start class with a sharing time and opportunity for interaction.
  • Keep a sense of humor to divert the child’s attention and surprise the child out of the tantrum.
  • Provide pre-academic, behavioral, and social challenges that are at the child’s developmental level so that the child does not become frustrated.
  • Reward children for positive attention rather than negative attention. During situations when they are prone to temper tantrums, catch them when they are being good and say such things as, “Nice job sharing with your friend.”
  • Signal children before you reach the end of an activity so that they can get prepared for the transition. Say, “When the timer goes off 5 minutes from now it will be time to turn off the TV and go to bed.”
  • When visiting new places or unfamiliar people explain to the child beforehand what to expect. Say, “Stay with your assigned buddy in the museum.”
 
There are a number of ways to handle a temper tantrum once it’s underway. Strategies include the following:
  • Hold the child who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or herself or someone else. Let the child know that you will let him or her go as soon as he or she calms down. Reassure the child that everything will be all right, and help the child calm down. Parents may need to hug their child who is crying, and say they will always love him or her no matter what, but that the behavior has to change. This reassurance can be comforting for a child who may be afraid because he or she lost control.
  • Remain calm and do not argue with the child. Before you manage the child, you must manage your own behavior. Spanking or yelling at the child will make the tantrum worse.
  • Think before you act. Count to 10 and then think about the source of the child’s frustration, this child’s characteristic temperamental response to stress (hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness), and the predictable steps in the escalation of the temper tantrum.
  • Try to intervene before the child is out of control. Get down at the child’s eye level and say, “You are starting to get revved up, slow down.” Now you have several choices of intervention.
  • You can ignore the tantrum if it is being thrown to get your attention. Once the child calms down, give the attention that is desired.
  • If the child has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above, then you may need to direct the child to time-out (see “Resources”). If you are in a public place, carry your child outside or to the car. Tell the child that you will go home unless he or she calms down. In school warn the child up to three times that it is necessary to calm down and give a reminder of the rule. If the child refuses to comply, then place him or her in time-out for no more than 1 minute for each year of age.
  • Talk with the child after the child has calmed down. When the child stops crying, talk about the frustration the child has experienced. Try to help solve the problem if possible. For the future, teach the child new skills to help avoid temper tantrums such as how to ask appropriately for help and how to signal a parent or teacher that the he or she knows they need to go to “time away” to “stop, think, and make a plan.” Teach the child how to try a more successful way of interacting with a peer or sibling, how to express his or her feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.
  • You can place the child in time away. Time away is a quiet place where the child goes to calm down, think about what he or she needs to do, and, with your help, make a plan to change the behavior.
  • You can positively distract the child by getting the child focused on something else that is an acceptable activity. For example, you might remove the unsafe item and replace with an age-appropriate toy.

Post-Tantrum Management:
  • Do not reward the child after a tantrum for calming down. Some children will learn that a temper tantrum is a good way to get a treat later.
  • Explain to the child that there are better ways to get what he or she wants.
  • Never let the temper tantrum interfere with your otherwise positive relationship with the child.
  • Never, under any circumstances, give in to a tantrum. That response will only increase the number and frequency of the tantrums.
  • Teach the child that anger is a feeling that we all have and then teach her ways to express anger constructively.

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Defiant Children
By

What do I do now? Where do we go from here?

Dear Mark:

I'm sure you must be told this often, but I have to say thank you. I have been listening to and reading the material provided in your out-of-control child site and feel a very heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Last evening I literally cried my eyes out, not knowing what to do in regard to my daughter. She is 15, has an IQ of 144, is very intelligent and thinks I am a poor excuse for a parent. My rules are stupid, my choices are insane ... and all I'm trying to do is help her see that balance is an issue in her life and am trying to influence her so that she might choose not to run herself into the ground as she does everything for everyone around her but completely discounts her family. She transmits and receives over 6000 text messages a month, yet couldn't tell you two things about the weekly lives of her younger brother, her stepfather or her mother. My approach to her has not worked. I am a textbook example of everything I have read to this point of the wrong way to do things, as I am about to begin the chapter on fair fighting.

If my daughter were stealing, drinking, acting out inappropriately sexually, I feel I would have had a better support system. I have worked within the local law enforcement agency and court for the last 6 years. My daughter is a good kid who lives a clean and good life, and that has sometimes made it more difficult to contend with the issues that arise because really, she is a good kid and many would give anything to have a child like her ... they simply do not see the day to day perils that are in our life. I am very proud of her accomplishments and do a great deal to support her in her endeavors, but I have been resentful that she shows little or no appreciation for our efforts. I want you to know that you are not only touching the lives of parents whose children's lives will see the inside of jails and courts and detention halls, but also my family's lives where kids truly are smarter than their parents and will do incredible things w ith their drive and their energy, and not in spite of their parents, but with the parental support that also seeks a well rounded individual to come from that child ... as we strive for harmony and balance with a strong willed gifted child. The Scream Free Parenting video was a godsend ... I watched it three times ... combined with the other information I read and listened to that point, I knew I had found the help I need.

So, I'm an amateur here but thank you for the support that I have been able to gain today. My attitude has changed 180 degrees. I know I can change my attitude, my behavior, my way of dealing with things as it has been explained to me in your program. That is the life line I so desperately needed today. I must have said to my husband a dozen times last night, "I don't know what to do. What do I do now? Where do we go from here?" I truly felt completely lost and had no idea what to do beyond breathe. I woke up several times during the night and literally prayed out loud for the Lord to point me in the direction he intends me to go and to please line that path with neon as I didn't think I could find it any other way. I got on the computer this morning looking for sites that would speak to the setting of limits for gifted children, and found you. I do believe you are a gift to us directly from God. Your site is an answered prayer. I will glorify God by reading every word, listening to every syllable and giving my very best effort to effecting a positive change in my life and thereby affecting my family in the same positive way. I'm sure you will hear more from me as I journey through this material. I just had to thank you for giving me the direction I needed so desperately today. I have rambled through this email and am going to send it as it is, without perfecting the grammar or cutting out unnecessary verbiage (you must know just from reading this that is my personality) ... it no doubt will be fun to look back at and to see the growth your program has effected in my life.

God bless you ... as He has me with your program. A million times, thank you.

By

I am truly concerned about her & the Wicca stuff...

Hi Mark

First off I would like to explain a little about the home life...I am a single mom. We are living with my mom, to help her out as she has Parkinson's. I am suffering from nerve damage in my neck & am having lots of issues with pain...& being a mom right now is challenging without having a difficult child.

We live in a small town, my daughter A__ (15), was being seen by the only child psychologist around here... it didn't work out. The psych was trying to turn A___ into a V___ & A___ wouldn't open up to her, instead the counselor would answer questions for her. So we are w/o counseling except for the school psych who sees her once a week.

Anyways, I am on some pretty heavy pain medicine, which is not making any of this easier. I am trying my hardest.

My concern is this....last night I had a really bad night & had to leave my 18 year old up & in charge...I had to go to bed. When I got up this morning, we had found that A___ had been looking up Wicca & Wicca chat groups online. How should I address this with her, without it turning into a major battle??? I am really concerned about this one.

With the condition I am in physically, I have thought about sending her away to a behavioral camp, but finances are rough & I cannot afford it.

We have finally overcome school refusals, after one morning, I got fed up with her refusing to get out of bed to go to school, I banged pots & pans & squirted her with a squirt gun until she got up. She hasn't refused school since.

We had a situation where her brother's Ipod came up missing....we knew she took it, she has a tendency to steal from family. The school counselors told us not to blame her, as we didnt have proof & we didn't want to lose HER trust. What about OUR trust?? A week later, A___ was in her brother's room & said there's something shiney under his bed, I think it's the Ipod. So the Ipod mysteriously reappeared. The whole house was searched...it wasn't there before.

I am truly concerned about her & the Wicca stuff though. I don't even know how to approach her on this. I am not up to a fight.

I have just started going through your program....it's gonna take me a couple times of going over it though as I am on some pretty heavy pain medicine right now.

I just really need some advice on how to approach her on this as I don't want it to be a battle.

Thank you kindly,

T.

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Hi T.,

You’re new to the program. The best advice I can give you at this point is to be patient. Only do one session per week - and only implement one set of assignments per week. In the meantime, just do what you have been doing until you come to parts of the eBook that instruct you otherwise. In session #3, you will discover exactly how to address the issue you listed above.

Having said that, you can get parental control software to stop your daughter from going to places on the net that you do not want her to visit. Here’s the one we use at our house:

PC-Tattletale
By

What's Fair Game?

Dear Mark,

I've been reading your e-book, My Out-of-Control Teen, and I've gotten some good ideas already. One thing that I'm not sure how to handle is taking away things as a discipline. Our 16-year-old son has a computer and video games that he bought himself with money that he earned at his part-time job. When we threaten to take these away from him, he says we can't because he paid for them. How should we handle this?

Thank you for your help.

S.D.

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Hi S.,

First of all, here's the link to the page of the eBook that most applies:

Look for the section entitled ==> When You Want Something From Your Kid

Secondly, if he EARNED his computer and games, then you shouldn't take those items away as part of discipline; however, he does live in your house ...and you pay for the electricity. So, in using the strategy in the section listed above, you can add one caveat:

Issue a warning by saying to him, "If you choose to __________________ (the behavior that is unacceptable), then you'll choose the consequence, which is as follows: You will be charged a fee (to be paid within 7 days) for using the electricity in my house, and if you cannot - or will not - help pay the electric bill, then you'll choose to (a) have the electricity shut off to your room or (b) loose the power cord to your computer (for 1 - 3 days)."

If he engages in the inappropriate behavior after the warning, then follow through with the consequence. If he refuses to accept this consequence, then take everything away (except the disabled computer and games) and ground him for 3 - 7 days.

This may sound ridiculous, but he needs to understand that using your electricity for his entertainment is a privilege - not a right.

Mark

P.S. This is representative of how the "real world" operates. That's why you're doing this - to prepare him for the real world.

Online Parent Support
By

At school he is a TERROR...

Dear Mark-

I purchased your program and at the part that is basically saying, eat dinner with them and tell them good night. The program says not to skip and to read it step by step -which is fine but in the meantime things are not good! Truly at home my son is pretty good (now that I have a boyfriend that will not take his crap) but at school he is a TERROR. I get calls from the office daily. Today he stole a drink in the cafeteria then when caught shoved it across the table getting it all over another student, threatened to beat up the kid that told on him and cussed out the Principal. Well he is expelled from school for 10 days now. But this type stuff goes on *every single day*.

I take away his ps2, ground him from tv- which makes him all sad and but it is not helping the behavior at school- he acts DEVASTATED every time he gets in trouble that he just cant believe it all happened and knows he is going to be in trouble and is very upset about being in trouble - yet the behavior continues.

I will keep on doing the program but for now tonight other than eating dinner with him and telling him good night - I am simply without a clue.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can handle this tonight when I get home? He already has his ps2 and tv taken away. I know to keep my poker face but how can I effectively punish him - or get thru to him to help him not want to be such a nightmare.

It this all truly just because he want attention?

Your is appreciated-

S.

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For now, I don't want you to do anything differently than what you would ordinarily do. If we make a bunch of changes too quickly - it will backfire. Only do one session per week - and only implement one set of assignments per week. In the meantime, just do what you have been doing until you come to parts of the eBook that instruct you otherwise.

Mark

Online Parent Support
By

Do you think my 2-week period for her is too long?

I have one question for you, if you could help me out on this: right now, my 16-yr old daughter was given an ultimatum (from me) that she had to live with her dad for a cooling off period of two weeks, without a cellphone, because she was destroying some internal house property, as well as becoming threatening to me, totally disregarding curfew, swearing at me, etc. I notice in your book you recommend a 3-day punishment period only. My daughter’s deal was that at the end of the 2-wk cooling off period, assuming she could agree to a basic contract of respectful behaviour, we’d try it again (ie. I have her at home). It’s only been in effect since Monday. Do you think my 2-week period for her is too long? (assuming she agrees to the contract earlier? What if she doesn’t agree?). With all her behavioural problems, she has still gotten decent marks at school (despite a number of absences), as well as she holds down a good little part-time job (which unfortunately I think enables her to buy drugs – soft ones, I don’t honestly think she’s into anything hard. I do know she has had alcohol and continues to party with it a bit). She does put a part of each paycheque away for savings. It’s the swearing, lying, curfew breaking, belligerence, total lack of respect for property, etc. that is way out of hand). Thoughts?

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I think 2 weeks is fine. I don't see "living with dad" as punishment. It's probably a good thing that the two of you have some time away from one another while you re-group and decide of some new strategies.

Mark

Online Parent Support
By

How to "break into" the juvenile justice field...

Mark-- I'm a mom, high school teacher, and foster mom. I love working with "out of control" kids, which is why I bought your ebook. While my house is perfectly peaceful, I wanted to know what to tell my students' parents when they ask me what to do. I had to read the book before I could recommend it. I've read only a part of it, but I know already that I will be assigning your book for parent homework! My question, though, is more self-serving. I've been in education for 14 years and am certified in 5 areas including special education. I am led to work with more troubled kids. I want to work in juvenile justice, and although I've applied week after week for the past 2 years, I've received no acknowledgment of my application. Having read the job qualifications and preferred candidate profiles, I know I would be an asset. Further, I've read news paper articles discussing the shortage in this field. Can you give me some idea how to "break into" the juvenile justice field (it sounds like I'm trying to break into Hollywood, huh? But the pay won't be as good...). If you have time to give me some ideas, I would appreciate it; do not feel obligated, however. I recognize that your time is valuable. I'm in Austin, TX by the way. Have a great day, Angela 

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Since you are a teacher, you may want to consider teaching in a secure detention unit for juveniles. This could be at your local juvenile detention facility or the closet DOC for juveniles in Austin. ~ Mark

By

Is Your Teenage Son Smoking Pot?

"I'm a mother of a teenager son. He seems to have developed an aggressive attitude as of late. Also, he seems hyper and agitated most of the time. Is that a sign of smoking marijuana?"

A pot smoker usually behaves just the opposite of what you're describing. Marijuana has the opposite effect. It's an anti-aggressive kind of a drug. I can tell you that once testosterone hits at puberty, teens can become aggressive. 
 
Also, other drugs on the market trigger aggression. Chronic marijuana abusers may get testy in between highs, but aggression is not the most common symptom.

The change you're most likely to see (if he is smoking pot) is that your son will appear slowed down and dull. The change is subtle, though, so it's really only noticeable because you're familiar with what's normal for your son. Also, a pot smoker may or may not have wet, red eyes, but the real giveaway is his breath. The smell will clue you in every time.

I don't want anything I say to reduce your suspicions, however. Every parent of American teenagers needs to be suspicious about drug use. The time to talk to your teens about drugs is before you notice any behavioral changes. So, for you, it's time to get started. 
 
Rather than focusing on "is it this" or "is it that," talk to your son about what he is dealing with in his life right now.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support
By

I stood up to her and gave her limits...

Dear Mr. Hutten,

Thank you for saving my family. When my 13 year old daughter turned into an angry out of control person last spring I had no idea of how to handle her. Nor did the therapists I consulted. I thought I might have to put her into a residential treatment program.

I found your website and downloaded your book. I refer to it as "the Bible." My daughter's behavior turned around the instant I stood up to her and gave her limits. The change was amazing and all for the good. It has helped me to be clear, less reactive, calmer and more loving. And a lot firmer. If a situation arises I feel that I know what to do. What action to take. (Usually: Ground her!)

In other words, you are a genius! I am deeply grateful.

J. B.

Online Parent Support
By

Boys Ranch?

Thank you for your telephone conversation with me today on Sunday and helping me with getting the online version; somehow just hearing from the real person who began this program was a sense of hope that this may be my first successful door to help my troubled 15 year old teenager.

I have contemplated and contacted twice The Boys Ranch for troubled teens in the last 2 years; due to mixed reasons such as unsupport of my husband (doesn't want to send our child away), the on / off times of my child with seemingly better behavior only to get in trouble again, and myself torn between to send him or not are all reasons I have not sent him their for help. But things have only escalated with him; this place is a free facility, as I do not have the finances otherwise for somewhere else. I can't remember if there is a minimal time that your child has to be there once enrolled or not; I just felt this would be a very controlled environment with one on one adult supervision and counseling because right now he resides in a very disruptive home environment where my husband and I have serious marital problems (that is a whole other topic I am trying to make a decision about) and also sending him here I thought would help him realize that he his hanging around people and friends at school that influence in all the wrong ways, including doing drugs, taking over the home, constant disrespect, round-about- death threats on me, running away, likes to mix things to make things blow up, plays with fire, shoves me, uses his physical force with at times, manipulates my child safe program on the computer by hacking my administrator password, and as had numerous downloaded adult porn sites/videos on the computer which I had the computer restored to wipe that out; these are a few of the things I can mention that I am dealing with.

Could you please give me your input if you think it would be beneficial to send my teenager to The Boys Ranch or not in addition to your program? Thank you once again.

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I don't think it will hurt anything for your son to go to a ranch; however, you should know that - unless you make changes on your end - your son's behavior, when he returns home, will be the same as before. "Positive change" that occurs in ranches, camps, wilderness programs, etc. has no longevity.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen
By

Do we have to take him back?

Hi Mark,

Well, just to catch you up...M got out of the JJS on 1/3 and is in the intensive probation program. His PO has seen him 2x @ school and 1 home visit. He is supposed to go back to work and pay for the program ($90). He has called his manager (with MUCH arm twisting) but so far has not gone back. He has been to court last Thursday for his chewing tobacco possession and had a $55 fine imposed (Has yet to work this off also). He was re-instated on the wrestling team, and the DAY he found out he was back on he was a totally changed person. He was happy, interacting, talking about new semester classes/teachers, working out, etc. He has his first meet on Thursday and did excellent. We really thought he turned the corner. He has had his ADHD rx increased (new Dx 12/06), and the psychiatrist (and his counselor and the JSS counselor) all think he has depression and want him on antidepressants also. He thus far is not agreeable to taking them.

Friday I get a call from the Asst. Coach (who wasn't @ practice--home sick) that M was accused of putting marijuana in another teammates locker. He wants M to call to further discuss what happened. M was not home at the time--his first time out (his choice) with another wrestler to grab some dinner as they "Made weight" and were celebrating. He was home in an hour. I knew the other boy and was very happy that M finally was leaving the house. M has not had many phone calls and only 1 friend stop by Thursday (he is a boy husband and I disapprove of). He came over @ 10pm after this meet to show M his new car. He was in the driveway for only 5 minutes and he came in. M goes nowhere and no one over. He has had $45 in his wallet since he came home (Christmas money). I checked Friday after dinner and he had $30+ left. Point being he had very little opportunity to get the pot, unless from school and for free.

M did admit to "finding" a bag on the floor in the locker room and put it in the closest open locker. His story is that 1. he did not want anyone to get in trouble if the coaches saw it and 2. he would get blamed for it if they did see it because of his JJS hx.

Coach says the boy turned it into the Captain when he opened his locker, others around said M put it there, and still others are claiming M was taking it around saying "Do you want to buy a bag?" and acting as if he were holding a joint. He is OFF the team until further notice. I immediately called his PO and left a message. I am OK if M is really responsible but 2+2 just isn't adding up. M does admit the above but that's it. He has been dx with impulsive behavior. Since the incident he is back 180 degrees. He is sullen, alone, NO interaction, lack of desire/motivation for school (although going), bad attitude, etc.

He is not one to champion his own cause either (has never been good talking with adults). Just from our (husband and myself) observation of him these past few weeks, we can't believe he had more to do with the situation than he is admitting to. We will not however push the issue/"go to bat" for him because we are not sure and have learned about natural consequences (ie he should never have touched it in the first place). He is risking being suspended, violating probation, going back to JJS or being placed, etc. if he did what is being said. Up until now (less than 1 month) he has done nothing wrong. We don't know if the others are mad that he's back, has taken someones spot on the team, if they are covering for themselves, etc. So far, we have not heard from his PO, the school, etc. If he is found not responsible, he MAY be back on the team, but weigh in's are tomorrow so we would like to know ASAP what is to happen.

Mark, what does your experience and gut tell you? Also, I am finding it difficult to say something positive every day, and how do you do "something fun" when they don't want to engage?

Also, M turns 17 very soon and we hear this is a "gray age". What do you know about our responsibility as parents legally if he should leave again, not follow rules etc. Do we have to take him back? The only privileges he has left are PS2, I-pod, and PSP (TV in room but shares bedroom). Can't take much else away. We live in Michigan. To be honest, I would feel so much better if he could stay on probation until he is 18.

Thanks for your insight, I will keep you updated.

J

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Hi J.,

I haven’t forgot about you. I’ve had a lot of emails to respond to, and I take them in the order they are received.

Re: what does your experience and gut tell you?

This is the season for you to LET GO. I would simply allow probation to take care of the discipline side of things. He will (eventually) receive a series of “natural consequences” since he has to answer to his PO.

Re: I am finding it difficult to say something positive every day, and how do you do "something fun" when they don't want to engage?

I’m sure it is difficult, but you should say something positive everyday anyway. If you can’t think of anything positive, make something up; feed him a line of bullshit. If you don’t “feel” like your comment is genuine or that your heart is in it - fake it! I’m sure he’s doing something right each day. He’s obviously very gifted in many ways.

As far as “fun” goes, this could be something as simple as popping a bag of popcorn in the microwave and the two of you stand there in the kitchen and eat it over some superficial conversation (e.g., “Whose going to win the Super Bowl …By how many points?”). You don’t have to go to great lengths here.

Re: What do you know about our responsibility as parents legally if he should leave again, not follow rules etc. Do we have to take him back?

You’re on the hook until he turns 18. Begin – now – to prepare for his launch (i.e., he needs to be thinking about where he’s going to live, what he’s going to do to pay bills, etc.). This conversation should begin today.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Click here for more help ==> Online Parent Support
By

When Children Seem Unaffected by Discipline

We adopted 3 siblings in March 2006. They are 2 twins boys 4 yrs. old and their sister 5 yrs. old. They are very bright, smart and intelligent kids and make us very happy. We haven't experience any educational problems with them. They go to daycare and have learned numbers and letters, shapes and colors at the same rate as the other kids in their school. I purchased and have read your e-book "My out of control child" and have found it very useful. You explain to me in your e-mail the behavioral problems that adopted children usually have because of the unknown medical history of their birth parents. I have tried your techniques and procedures explained in your book, but our daughter is still giving her teachers a lot of trouble at school to the point that they don't know what else to do.

When she is with us, she controls herself or at least follows directions, but we have to be with our eyes or her at all times. We praise them (4:1), caught them doing good, and I have a ticket system but nothing seem to work. At school she is always answering back, bossing around, disrupting class and for the last 2 weeks at nap time at school, she starts calling her friends names out loud to the point that they have to pull her out of the class because she doesn't let them rest. Some people tell me to ignore this and let the school deal with the behavior at school. But I just can’t seem to let that go. She knows they tell me about it every time she is been send to the office or put in time out and them talk about it like she is proud of what she have done. I feel that if I don't do anything about it she might think that it is O.K. to misbehave at school. I sit her at home to write numbers and letters and I have taken her toys, TV time and she has not come to family gatherings. Nothing works, she just doesn't seem to care about anything.

Please, guide me. Help me out and tell me what should I do. I'm very worried. In Sept. she should be going to public school and she might have a lot of trouble if I cant teach her good behavior from negative behavior.


Click here for my response...
By

Body Piercing and Peer Pressure

Hi Mark, the last time I spoke with you was on the 20th of November last year (titled "Desperate"). At that stage my son had left home and I was frustrated. Your words were of great comfort to me and I must admit at my lowest points, I referred back to that email for strength. Thank you for that.

During my sons three and a half months of living away from home, I have practiced your techniques whenever he was around. My son has now decided to come back home and live under our rules. I am excited about this and a little apprehensive. What I would like to know is how to slowly and inconspicuously get him away from the bad crowd he is now involved with. I do not want to scare him off as soon as he gets home and I know that I have to tread very lightly. The other area of concern is the body piercing which neither I nor my husband can stand. Should I just continue the "POKER FACE" and let him find his way or should I set the rules immediately?

To date, your course has been the only sensible approach to my children and I value your words immensely. Thank you once again! With great appreciation. Sincerely, S.

Click here for my response...
By

Dealing With Running Away

Hi Mark, My 16-year old granddaughter (who lives with her father) runs away from home fairly regularly ...usually 3-4 days at a time. And we never know where she stays during these stints. What can her father do to prevent this? What should he do if she does take off again? It's starting to become a real problem. And I worry about her safety. Thanks, A.

Click here for my answer...
By

What do I do with this?

Hello,

Well I started Phase 1 and set the boundaries of curfew and homework requirements. All was going fine, to my surprise. Now the weekend, and Nicole wanted a friend to stay over. I thought well she has been home on time all week and has cleaned her room and done her homework, so alright. Saturday, she decides to go out with her boyfriend. She calls me at 11:50 pm to see if she can stay the night at his house. I said absolutely not! She is to come home by curfew. Well she still is not home and it is now 9:30 am. What do I do with this? 3 days grounded? What? Please help.

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Hi D.,

Assuming she has returned home by now, issue the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., grounded for one evening with no phone privileges). If she refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, then withhold all privileges and ground her for 3 days.

Most importantly, however, issue the following warning and be prepared to back-up your words with action: “If you choose to violate curfew and spend the night at your boyfriend’s again, you will choose the consequence. The police will be called, and I will file a run away charge with juvenile probation.”

Tough love,

Mark

Online Parent Support
By

Condom Use?


Mark-

What are your views on teens having sex with condoms? I'm not sure where to go with this one as my 17-year-old daughter is wanting to have sex with her 18-year-old boyfriend (and probably already is) but does not want to go on birth control.

Thanks in advance,

J.C.

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Hi J.,

I'd like to share some data with you rather than give my personal opinion on the matter. One of our goals at Online Parent Support is ongoing research. Our recent project tried a number of recruitment strategies with varying degrees of success. Fliers were distributed by project staff in a few high schools and at a weekly summer street fair in downtown Indianapolis that attracts large numbers of teens, and by community agencies to their clients. The street fair recruiting, community service agency referrals, and focus group participant referrals (snowball method) were quite successful.

In the summer of 2007, the OPS HIV Prevention Studies Group conducted:

·10 individual interviews with parents
·21 focus groups with 166 teen participants of mixed ethnicity, segmented by age gender and sexual orientation
·30 individual interviews with teens
·3 parent focus groups, consisting of 22 parents

Our focus group research found that ethnically diverse teens had common interests and attitudes:

·Although youth knew where to get condoms and had tried them, few kept them handy.
·One consequence of unplanned sex was that condoms weren’t talked about and often weren’t used.
·Sex often “just happened.”
·Sexual activity and the opposite sex were very important.
·Youth cited drug and alcohol use as another reason for unplanned sex and not using condoms.
·Youth knew a lot about HIV but perceived little risk.

Our research offered much information on how teens viewed and used condoms:

·Although many in the target audience had already tried condoms, and may have used them sometimes, the audience saw many barriers to consistent use (such as a bad condom experience, the status of their relationship, other birth-control methods).

·The formative research, consistent with national data, suggested that incorrect condom use was an issue: complaints of leakage and slippage suggested that condoms were not being used correctly.

·Like the national literature, local research indicated that youth were not likely to use a condom with a steady partner, as a sign of trust or love. Yet the formative research showed that local teens considered a partner as “steady” after a short period of time and without clear risk assessment.

·Local research indicated that youth had unplanned sex for many reasons: sex with friends, denial of a possibility of having sex, or the influence of drugs or alcohol. In these instances, local research and national data suggested that youth were not likely to use condoms.

Research participants mentioned several benefits to condom use – benefits that were consistent with national research and program experience:

· A way to follow peer norms, which say that they should use condoms
· Ability to act on distrust of a partner
· Ability to attain future goals
· Feeling in control
· Feeling self-respect
· HIV prevention
· Pregnancy prevention
· STI prevention
· Worrying less

In addition to the focus group/interview research, staff compiled all the information they had collected from secondary sources into an “environmental profile” that included local, regional, and statewide data relevant to the target audience, such as:

· Demographic and lifestyle data
· Drug and juvenile justice data
· Health statistics (such as HIV testing, STI, birth, and abortion rates)
· School enrollment rates

The research report also included condom sales data for the city and listings of local youth development and youth-serving programs.

Mark

Online Parent Support
By

Am I delusional or insane for even considering this?

A new member of Online Parent Support writes:

"I've found your website out of sheer desperation (bet you've heard that a time or two). I'm the step parent of an 18 year old boy who has been diagnosed in the past six months as being bipolar. He is abusing alcohol (no drugs as far as I can tell) and most days he has no respect for authority of any kind. Curfews are non existent and he can't hold a job. He was recently kicked out of a private catholic school ...and attempted suicide in October by overdosing on his meds.

The dilemma, number one he lives with his mom ...and she is demanding that his father and I ...take him. He is taking his meds, but not going to the weekly counseling that was recommended. His mother doesn't enforce any rules because she is afraid of him (he's been known to knock holes in the walls with baseball bats but has never injured anyone). Number two, his father travels out of state most of the time and I would be the primary person responsible for him if he were to come live with us.

...Am I delusional or insane for even considering this? Is moving something that would send him off the deep end completely? I will tell you that his relationship with his father is strong and his father is the calming factor in his life, something he readily acknowledges."
By

Ground Him FROM His Room?!

Hi Mark! I just downloaded your book and plan on start reading it this afternoon. I do have a couple of questions. I have a 14 year old son. He is ADHD. I guess he is really just a typical teenager-back talk, not doing what he is told, slacking on his homework, etc. He isn't "out-of-control" in the sense of drugs, alcohol, etc. His father died as a result of a car accident right before he turned three. I remarried two years later. My husband treats and loves him as if he was his own. We have a daughter who is six. There is a lot of jealous there (mostly from our son). We try to treat them equally but, it doesn't seem to matter what we do. Also, I honestly don't know what kind of punishment to give him if he does misbehave. During the school year he doesn't have t.v. or video games during the week and he isn't too social so I really feel that there isn't anything to "take away" from him or ground him from doing. Do you have any suggestions? He has a tendency to either stay in his room or stay in the den away from us. I really want this to change. 

I am really thinking that if he wants to watch t.v. or a movie that he needs to watch what the family is watching. He doesn't watch anything really violent or play violent video games but I think he is picking up stuff off shows that are supposed to be "PG-14" but is probably still to old for him to watch. And, one last thing, we have a cat. I probably never should have gotten her. I had to put my other cat to sleep last year and within 2 months I was yearning for another cat. I thought that she would be something that the kids and I would enjoy and like having in the house. He pesters her to death. He doesn't physically hurt her but he constantly picks her up, hugs on her, lifts her in the air, etc. We have talked until we are blue in the face. The poor thing goes and hides in her litterbox to get away. I have gone so far as to contact the people that I got her from so they can take her back. I feel guilty because I don't want to give her back but we cannot continue to yell and scream and he not stop bothering her. We have a golden retriever also but he is big enough to get away and lets him know to stop. Well, any suggestions that you may have will be greatly appreciated. I look forward to reading your book and am in hopes that out of all the things that I have read and tried that this will be the answer. Thanks so much! J. `

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Hi J.,

The best thing to do at this point would be to digest most of the material in the eBook. Many of your immediate questions will be answered there. In the meantime, in those cases where the only thing a child enjoys is hiding in his bedroom, a very effective consequence is to ground the child FROM his room. Look at his room as just another privilege that can be taken away whenever he needs a consequence. 

(As a footnote, he really should have one hour of T.V. and/or video game privileges through the week -- as long as it can be monitored by an adult.) 

Re: the cat. I think the best course of action would be to give the cat up for adoption. Your son knows he can push your buttons when it comes to mistreating it – and he will continue to do so as long as the cat is in the home. 

Mark 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

By

Let him suffer the consequences...?

I read the comments about children not doing well in school. The understanding I get from that is not to push and nag them to do homework. Let them suffer the consequences. So does that mean that if he has a test to study for, or an assignment due that I should let him do whatever he wants and other than the schoolwork? He would rather sit in front of the game cube and play all night long if I let him. Do I take the gamecube away from him for 3 days? Could you please reply back to me by e-mail. Thanks. G. 

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Hi G., If poor academic performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict - AND if your son has a history of poor academic performance, then you will do well to follow the advice in the eBook. Should you let him do whatever he wants? No. Set aside a 1-hour block of time (e.g., 7:00 PM to 8:00 PM five days a week) for him to do homework. He can choose to do homework, or he can choose to NOT be able to play his Game Cube. Let him decide. If he chooses NOT to do homework for that hour, he does NOT have access to Game Cube or any other toy – but, after one hour, he can play again. School/homework is your son’s job. The more you take responsibility for it, the less responsibility he will take. 

Mark 

By

Elite Family Specialists CIC

Dear Mark,

Many thanks for all the information you have sent to me this has been extremely helpful to both my colleague and myself as we have recently set up our own company dealing with early intervention.

This is a relatively new concept in the U.K. and we have found your perspective on this matter to be more advanced and if you have any more information you feel would be of relevance to ourselves we would appreciate your input.

We look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Best Regards,

for Elite Family Specialists CIC

Dee Bracken
Director
Tel. 0191 516 0167 Mob. 07721619818
E-Mail d.bracken@sky.com
By

My ODD Child

Hi N.,

Please look for these arrows below: ====>

On Jan 9, 2008 2:28 PM, N. wrote:

Good afternoon,

I purchased your e-book last night, and as I am reading it, it seems to be more appropriate for teens. (I just started looking thru).

===> There are some age-specific parenting strategies, but as long as your child is living in your home, 98% of the techniques will apply regardless of age.

2 yrs ago our dream of becoming parents became true through adoption when we were match up with 3 adorable siblings. Our daughter is 5yrs and her twin brothers are 4. We are blessed, they are adorable children, but we are having behavioral problems with our daughter. She seems to be able to control herself when we are at home or when ever I'm around (I 'm very firm with them and one way or another she seem to listen to me) but the minute I leave her side she becomes in a little devil. At school she is driving everyone crazy. And the worst is that the twins are starting to pick up some of her bad behavior.

She lies, and lies and even when we confront her with the true, she will not give in admitting the truth, answers back, don't follow orders, disrupt the class and is very "bossy". I don't know what to do any more because she doesn't mind or care for time outs, or taking privileges out from her; playing time, movie time, tv time or toys away.

===> She may not care when things are taken away, but she enjoys having her things returned. Follow the method in the eBook for this.

We are taking her to therapy once a week and here she was diagnosed with ODD but that doesn't seem to be helping at all.

===> Therapy will be a waste of your time and money. It is just another "traditional" parenting strategy that has little or no effect with ODD kids. Stick with the strategies in the eBook.

We have been following 1-2-3- Magic, but it doesn't work with her behavior. I find my self getting very angry, disappointed and hopeless.

====> Be sure to read (and listen to the audio files) in the Anger Management Chapter (online version).

I want to enjoy time with her and not feel that she is manipulating us. Unfortunately we don't have any past medical or family history of our children. Please help me out !!!!! And guide me to what direction I should follow?

====> Normal, healthy mothers - even the very young ones - rarely give up their children for adoption. Over 90% of adopted children come from very young mothers who, too often, also have a drug/alcohol addiction of some kind. In addition, many of these mothers who gave their child up for adoption have significant mental health issues ( e.g., ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, etc.). So it's a fairly safe assumption that your adopted daughter will also have some mental health issues - as well as have a genetic predisposition to drug addiction.

It will be terribly important for your daughter's teacher to educate herself about how to relate (and influence) a child with ODD. If she doesn't take the time to adopt some different teacher-student interactions with your daughter, the problems will continue.

Mark

Online Parent Support
By

Daughter Refuses To Attend School Regularly

Mark: I need help. We (my ex-wife and myself) cannot get our daughter to go to school. When she lived with me she missed nearly all of her freshmen year. She is a sophomore at Anderson High School. She has missed most of this year. She claims that she is sick all the time. However, it seems funny to me that she is never sick on the weekends nor was she sick during Christmas vacation. It is apparent to me that she just doesn't want to go to school. She has been to the Anderson Center. We have went to court where the Judge awarded my ex-wife temporary physical custody of my daughter. Now that she lives with her, my ex has the same issues that I had with our daughter. She just will not go to school on a regular basis. Please advise what can we do to resolve this issue. All I want is for my daughter to be in school to get her education. Sincerely, T.

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Hi T.,

Going to school usually is an exciting, enjoyable event for children. For some it brings intense fear or panic. Parents should be concerned if their child regularly complains about feeling sick or asks to stay home from school with minor physical complaints. Not wanting to go to school may occur at anytime, but is most common in children 5-7 and 11-14, times when children are dealing with the new challenges of elementary and middle school. 
 
These children may suffer from a paralyzing fear of leaving the safety of their parents and home. The child's panic and refusal to go to school is very difficult for parents to cope with, but these fears and behavior can be treated successfully, with professional help.

School refusal is:
  • equally common among boys and girls and is most likely to occur between age 5 to 11
  • highest when schools reopen after summer
  • defined as the behavior of resisting or refusing to attend a specific class or to stay in school for an entire day
  • may be accompanied by one or more of the following behaviors: complaints about stomach pain, headache, or nausea before or during school; crying before and during school; frequent visits to the school nurse; temper tantrums; specific fears; anxiety or sadness

School "refusers" tend to:
  • feel that others see them in a negative way
  • become unduly self-conscious and avoid social situations in which they fear others may criticize them or make fun of them behind their back
  • have negative and troublesome relationships with their peers
  • get teased by mischievous children or harassed by a bully
  • be reluctant to go to school because of an appearance and self-esteem problem, or social "image" problem prompted by a school rumor or being let down by a friend
  • be depressed and experience significant difficulty in getting up and getting out of bed in the morning.

Refusal to go to school often begins following a period at home in which the child has become closer to the parent, such as a summer vacation, a holiday break, or a brief illness. It also may follow a stressful occurrence, such as the death of a pet or relative, a change in schools, or a move to a new neighborhood.

Children with an unreasonable fear of school may:
  • feel unsafe staying in a room by themselves
  • display clinging behavior
  • display excessive worry and fear about parents or about harm to themselves
  • shadow the mother or father around the house
  • have difficulty going to sleep
  • have nightmares
  • have exaggerated, unrealistic fears of animals, monster, burglars
  • fear being alone in the dark
  • have severe tantrums when forced to go to school

 
School refusers otherwise tend to be compliant, well-behaved, and academically smart kids. Unlike truants, they stay home only with their parents' knowledge. Generally, they have a close relationship with one or both parents. Overall, they are good kids. So the question arises why does a child who wants to comply with the parents' wishes and be good, drive them nuts in the morning when it's time to get ready for school?

Children refuse to go to school for a reason, and we parents should determine what that reason is.

Such symptoms and behaviors are common among children with separation anxiety disorder. The potential long-term effects (anxiety and panic disorder as an adult) are serious for a child who has persistent separation anxiety and does not receive professional assistance. The child may also develop serious educational or social problems if their fears and anxiety keep them away from school and friends for an extended period of time.

When fears persist the parents and child should consult with a qualified mental health professional, who will work with them to develop a plan to immediately return the child to school and other activities. Refusal to go to school in the older child or adolescent is generally a more serious illness, and often requires more intensive treatment.

Excessive fears and panic about leaving home/parents and going to school can be successfully treated.

For children who refuse to go to school in order to avoid a difficult social encounter, teach them effective social behaviors such as, learning to say "no" assertively, seeking help from adults, and making new friends. Seek help from school authorities if there is a genuine concern for the safety of your child.

Don't make staying home more rewarding than going to school. Eliminate or reduce all incentives for staying home. On the contrary, attach rewards and incentives to going to school and staying there throughout the school hours.

Having investigated the possible causes and offered your support as a parent, you may have to "push" your child out to school. You may have to learn to ignore the tantrums, complaints, and the pleading to "let me stay home just for today."

Children who are clinically depressed or who suffer from an anxiety disorder need professional help. Some medications cause sluggishness and may make it difficult for a child to be alert and active in morning. In such event, consult your doctor.

Mark

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She moved out...

Dear Mark,

Well, my daughter turned 18 and she did move out with her boyfriend and his mother. I heard she did not go to school today. I am wondering what responsibility do I have with her still in school? Maybe this is the wrong question to ask, but I am trying to make sense of this.

I want you know that I did say they could date, but she would still have to obey our guidelines in our home. She didn't think she could do this, so she wanted out. Thank you, M.

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Hi M.,

I think it's good that she's out - that's o.k. for everybody. She doesn't have to attend school at her age - it's optional. She'll eventually realize she needs to at least get a GED. She won't want to work at McDonald's her whole life.

Look at her as more like an adult friend now (rather than your "pain-in-the-ass" daughter).

Mark

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Insecure Attachment in 14-Year-old Adopted Daughter

Hi L., Please look for my comments where you see these arrows: =======>

Dear Mark, I'm writing again about my adopted girl now 14 years old. As you know we have been having problems with her since she was around 10. We have been through the whole counseling routine, where she manipulates and all, but now are involved in a so called family counseling service and for the most part I think they have been very good at not letting her call the shots and call her on things they see, instead of everything being the parents fault. I not saying we haven't made mistakes, the main one being as parents we do disagree on some of the accepted behaviors. 

 Since we cannot agree on how to discipline even when we agree on the rules, this has left her open to manipulate one of us, usually my husband. She basically knows what I will accept and since I have tried to remove the emotion from my statements and have tried to put the ball in her court as far as relationship goes, she has been better with me, but then sets her sights on my husband. He can't do what I do, he states he just has to be himself and if he cares about someone he can't pretend he doesn't when they are making mistakes or hurting his feelings. I get this too but that doesn't help her. 

 ============> Keep in mind that a weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one. 

Her latest psychological evaluation states her diagnosis as insecure attachment. Different from RAD I'm told but very difficult to find information on. 

 ===========> “Insecure attachment” is a “problem with relationships” – it takes two people (e.g., child and parent). “RAD” is a disorder within the child. The purpose of labeling a parent-child relationship “insecure” is not to blame parents who love and intend the best for their children, but may be products themselves of insecure attachment, trauma or depression. Separation can also be a factor that contributes to insecure attachment. Insecure attachment and the developmental disruptions they can cause are often passed from one generation to the next unless steps are taken to repair what has been damaged. And it sounds like you are helping with “repair.” 

 She is very bright and is a good student who likes school and did excel at athletics until recently when she seems to exhibit very little interest into things she used to at least do and enjoy. She seems perfectly happy to spend as much time at home being non-compliant and lie in front of the TV. 

 ===========> Watching TV doesn’t involve “relationship” – thus it is a “self-soothing” behavior for her to engage in. (She could be out doing worse things.) 

My instincts tell me to not get involved with the sports situation as long as school is going well, and we have the other issues at home to deal with and let the natural consequences occur with sports but my husband feels she is wasting so much talent and ability and this could only help her in her future. My question is how far should we go to encourage her in sports and should she earn it and could you please check on some information for me of her new diagnosis.  

 ==========> Go with your instinct. I think you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about sports. Encourage? Yes. Insist? No. If she decides to pursue sports, the “practice” that comes with any sport will be how she earns it.  

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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