Divorced Couple Disagrees On How To Discipline Their Children

Mark, I'm new to your program, and just getting ready to do the assignments for week 1. My x-wife has custody of my daughter, though I have her at my house about 50% of the time. My question has to do with my x-wife. She undercuts any discipline that I have ever tried with my daughter. The first week has shown me that I am an overindulgent parent. My x-wife is off the charts overindulgent. I can never get her on the same page with me for very long. When my 16-year-old daughter goes out of control, my x-wife will want to work with me until my daughter goes to work on her. Then she takes her side. What do recommend with respect to my x-wife? She has never wanted to participate in any counseling and really seems to convince herself that there is nothing wrong (usually this happens when my daughter behaves for a short period of time). I love your program, the first week has taught me more than I ever could have imagined. Thanks, J.

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Click here for my response...

Modified Grounding

I have ordered your e-book and have spent the last couple of days reading through the online version. ODD is not recognised in this country (yet) but you describe my son to a tee. He is 15 and we have had problems with him since he started school at the age of 3. However, things have come to a head of late. He is on the verge of being excluded from school with only 8 school week until his main exams start. He was in trouble with the police this week for the first time and was cautioned with criminal damage.

We have always been strict parents and have never given him everything he wants, but still comes out as a highly overindulged child (score 83) and he fits every trait you mentioned (except malicious gossip).

However my question is this. We have always used grounding as a consequence and up until the last month or so he has adhered to it. But now he refuses to accept the grounding and just walks out of the house. I feel powerless to ground him now as he just ignores me and his father and goes. At the beginning I was phoning all his friends to try and find him, but the last couple of times this week I haven't bothered and he has come home at the time he is supposed to.

Tonight he asked to stay out at his friends til 10pm and I said I would like him home at 9 as this is becoming the norm of asking for an extension everytime he goes out. I then said (following your programme) that if he stayed out until 10 then he would have a consequence, to which he replied we would just have to wait and see until tomorrow came and see what I could do about it.

We are both at our wits' end and don't know how to handle this, as part of your course is grounding. Can you give us any advice please. Have thought of doing something else apart from grounding, but then that means that he is in control of the situation?

Click here for my response...

He has been boozing...

Hi Mark.

I am email you for advice. I had emailed and told you my son C__ had moved home after being out on his own. It has been a struggle. He is off of drugs and has sub it for booze. This week he found out that he has been boozing, he said it is to get the edge off. He is scared about applying for college and what direction he will go etc. etc. We found the booze in our house drank etc. On Friday, the old C__ had returned, he went out with his girlfriend and he came home when he was expected and came in and touch base with me and apologized to my husband for being 5 mins. late. No big deal we said, they had gone to a late movie and he drove her home. This was the old C__. Last night he went out to a friend's place, his girlfriend met up with him and he snuck her in his room. I had not heard him come in and it was 2:00 am. he was suppose to be in at 1:00. I told A__ she had to leave his room. He was drunk and they went downstairs to the rec room. My husband and I went to the rec room and I told C__ that there is no problem with A__ staying the night we have a guest bedroom. I was called every name in the book he just snapped and then my husband started yelling at him. I told A__ I would drive her home. She told me that she had never seen this side of him, and why did he just snap. I told her it was the booze and that when he was on drugs this is how he gets. That we had a concern about him, because of our backgrounds with alcohol that people in our family at a point act like this. That he is a good person but that this is the problem we are facing now. When I got home, he had gone for a knife and was going to kill himself my husband and him got into a fight. P__ got the knife away from him. He then took off out the door. We called the police, they came and took him to the crisis center. This morning the hospital called to pick him up, that he was not a threat to himself. We sat down as a family, and told him that the next time the police were called that he will be removed from the house for good.

What are your thoughts?

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Why wait for another bout of chaos before you make a move? Plans should be drafted and discussed immediately so that he can get back out on his own as soon as possible. Most parents attempt to change a child or situation through reason and discussion, usually one-on-one. When this fails, frustration may lead to anger. This can go on for years. Appeals to reason and one-on-one discussions rarely produce change in someone engaged in self-destructive behaviors.

Begin making plans for him to move out - before, not after - another crisis occurs.

Mark

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