Our 17-year-old son...

Hi M.,

I’ve responded to each of your points in turn below.

Please look for these arrows: >>>>>

Anyway, I would like to know if you could provide some guidance as to how to approach our current issues with our older 17-year-old son. He will be 18 in January. We have actually tried going to a psychologist last year with no real progress. To make matters worse he and his father do not have a good relationship because my son says he always picks on him. Actually, he has always tried to steer him in the right direction and on three previous occasions his father has been very supportive but obviously very upset with
his behaviour.

He has been living away from home since April with his girlfriend with several friends or girlfriends family with no positive outcomes. All have asked them to leave. They both have no jobs or money. They are involved in stealing whenever it is necessary. Both are using cannabis and alcohol. My son has actually physically abused girlfriend I am told.

She has as recent as 5 days ago gone back to New Zealand. My son is supposed to link up with her when he gets a passport. Girlfriend grandparents going to send money, which they are to pay back I am told.

>>>>>>>>>> The girlfriend’s grandparents will be financing their drug habit (bad idea to send money, and it will probably not get paid back -- but I’m sure you know this).

He is currently living with a friend’s family, mother and three other younger brothers. Family is well known to police. Not a good environment.

I have just visited him with my sister who came for support to tell him we miss and love him and that when he wants to change his circumstances he can call me at any time. Especially to have his finger looked at in the hospital, as he still has not gone back to have pins removed to allow movement. He said he would when he wants to.

>>>>>>>>> I think it’s appropriate to let your son know that the door is always open, but you have no control over how well -- or poorly -- he takes care of his body. Are you possibly taking on too much responsibility?

He was very angry and abusive. Called me every name under the sun and that if I cared I would pay for his fines. He has over $400 in traffic offences and $9,000 for damages caused in an accident in May.

>>>>>>>> I have to be blunt here. I can tell that he has been over-indulged. I hear you saying that he (a) is resentful, (b) has a sense of entitlement (i.e., “you owe me”), (c) is not taking responsibility for his obligations, and (d) has a strong appetite for more pampering – these are all signs of a child who has been over-indulged (I’m assuming you have read my views on this).

In any event, good for you!!! You have not (and you should not) enable him any further by taking responsibility for his obligations.

He seems to be extremely jealous of his brother and what he got. He now talks about his brother having a dirt bike and he didn't get one. He forgets he chose a car. He actually had two and smashed both up.

>>>>>>>>> This provides more evidence that he has been over-indulged.

He always tells me I have ruined his life and again I am doing this because I will not pay his debts and sign his passport papers. He can get passport in January without my permission. He also said if I do not help him to get to NZ to be with his girlfriend I will not see him any more.

>>>>>>>>>>> I’m sure this is not the first time he has tried to “guilt-trip” you into letting him have his way. He is trying to push your “worry buttons” – and is doing a very good job of it.

He does not look well and he has lost a lot of weight. I have actually gone to the police to advise them I am extremely concerned and that if he is involved in anything that I am available at any time for his support.

>>>>>>>>> O.K. Here’s the deal (and I know you wouldn’t want me to simply tell you what I think you want to hear) –

You son (a) is exhibiting Oppositional Defiant Disorder tendencies -- as well as Conduct Disorder tendencies, (b) is chemically dependent, and (b) is spoiled rotten. Does this make him a bad kid? No! Are you a bad parent? Of course not!!

He’s going to be 18 soon. He is already an adult. You are trying to hard Margrit. And the harder you work to help him, the worse it will get. You already have evidence of this.

I would ask you to get into the business of “letting go” (i.e., refuse to take responsibility for his poor choices). You are going to have to muster up some tough love here dear mom.

Tell him this: “You know I can't control you -- and if you really want to stay away from home and use drugs, I can't stop you. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why I have to ‘let go’ of trying to change you. The more I try to help you, the worse it gets. So I am going to focus my energy on the things I can control, and I’m going to stop spending time and energy on those things I cannot control. Again, I love you, and my door is always open. But you have to start helping yourself now – it’s your job from here on out.”

Here’s some hope: The less responsibility you take for him, the more he will take for himself. He may have to hit rock bottom first. You must allow him to experience the painful emotions associated with poor choices, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy – and you will have no energy left for your husband and younger son.

Tough assignment – I know! Trust me on this one though.

I want to leave you with the serenity prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can – and the wisdom to know the difference …amen.”

Please keep me posted,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

How do I avoid that circle fight?

Hi K.,

I responded to each of your questions in turn below.

Please look for the arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>

I have done a first 'read through' your ebook. It is very good and I can see that it is going to be very helpful. But I have a few first thoughts about ideas that weren't expanded enough for me.

For example, in you session #3 assignment section you used an example of a child cleaning his room, however this is not an accurate example for me of how these conversations go.

In our home: The parent notices the room is still a mess, says your example.... then the child responds "what's the matter with my room, it looks clean enough to me?".... where does the parent go from here. Because although I have shown my son the standard repeatedly, chores ALWAYS end up in a fight for this very reason - he refuses to do the job properly then gets angry and demands to know what the matter with the job he's done. Initially I've tried to say things like... "what you've done so far is great... but...and then point out the areas that need improving or finishing... but then that leads to "I did it fine!" …and on and on it goes, until I'm hollering "just do it!"

So, how do I avoid that circle fight?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> There’s nothing to expand upon here really. Here’s the formula (albeit simple): Let your son decide when he will complete his required chore. When he thinks he’s done cleaning up his room, do a quick inspection. If the chore is not done properly, say, “Your chore is not completed. Take as much time as you need, but you may not leave until your room is done the way it’s suppose to be done.”

If he says, “What's the matter with my room, it looks clean enough to me,” then you put on your ‘poker face’ and sound like a broken record by re-stating “you may not leave until your room is done the way it’s suppose to be done.” ---Please refer to the section on “Anger Management” in the online version of the ebook.

The larger issue here seems to be that you are in a power struggle with your son over the ‘room cleaning’ business. Power struggles create frustration, anger and resentment on the part of the parent and the kid. Resentment causes a further breakdown of communication until it seems as if all you do is argue. An argument can only happen if there is more than one person. With just one person, it is simply a temper tantrum.

Don’t continually remind him of how the chore is to be completed -- he knows the drill. He can either choose to meet the expectations, or he can choose the consequence.

You cannot make him clean his room. He already knows how it’s supposed to be done, and it gets old trying to make him do it ‘right.’ But you can issue a consequence for not meeting your expectations (e.g., he can’t leave until it’s done right, no TV tonight, no phone privileges, etc.).

Also you talked about lying, which is a very serious problem with our son. You listed a bunch of reasons why a child lies, one that you didn't list seems to be one that we deal with a lot...our child lies so that he can break the rules. He lies about what movies he's going to see, whether parents will be home, who will be present, what they'll be doing, etc... Because we check up on him, he gets caught and privileges are revoked, but it doesn't stop him from using the same lies over and over again.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I mentioned that one of the reasons kids lie is to “control the situation” …I see this as the same thing as lying to “break the rules.”

Again, you cannot stop him from lying, but you can issue a consequence for lying. Then it’s up to him whether or not to lie again. If you issue the consequence in a way that doesn’t accidentally reward him for lying, it shouldn’t be an ongoing issue. If you are providing a lot of intensity when he lies, he will continue to seek that intensity by lying again, and again. ---Please refer to the section on ‘intensity’ here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/energetic

And lastly. Our son's biological mom has Bi-Polar Disorder and a Conduct Disorder, the two of them have paired up to break our rules. She learns the rule, she breaks the rule when they're together and he goes along with it. Our son is 16, so we have no legal ability to intervene in their relationship. Do you have any strategies that might be helpful in dealing with that type of situation, because even if we can effectively discipline him, we still have to deal with her, and we can't discipline her?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’m starting to sound like a broken record here: You’re right -- you have no control over his bio-mom. But guess what? You have no control over your son either!! But you CAN control the things your son enjoys (e.g., phone, television, toys, games, freedom for activities, junk food, toiletries, favorite cloths, bedroom doors, furniture, etc).

He will NEVER work for what YOU want, but he WILL work for what HE wants. By controlling the things he wants, you will eventually motivate him to change unwanted behaviors. Focus on controlling his stuff and freedom rather than focusing in trying to control him. ---Please refer to the section on self-reliance here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/rely

I just have to say thank you so much for making yourself available for help. You have no idea what a blessing it is to be able to talk to someone who can help, and who knows what we're going through.

God Bless You!

K.M.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Thank you. I hope that this clarifies a few things. Please stay in touch.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I have one disagreement with my husband...

"Dear Mark, I also have one disagreement with my husband. My son doesn't do any chores around the house and my husband also waits on him hand and foot (e.g., bringing him bowls of cereal while he is watching TV). My son is 14 years and could quite easily get his own cereal. I refuse to do this except when he is running late in the morning. He thinks that I am being mean in not waiting on him, but I think that he is old enough to do this himself. What are your views on this? Regards, G."

___________

Hi G.,

As you may know from reading my e-book, “self-reliance” is key. We want our kids to develop self-reliance. How? By setting up a system where they have to earn their material items and activities (stuff and freedom).

We help our children purchase material things with their own money (e.g., from an allowance, money earned by doing chores, money earned from their place of employment, etc.). And, we help our children earn freedom (e.g., by following rules, doing chores, accepting appropriate discipline for misbehavior, meeting reasonable parental expectations).

Self-reliance boosts emotional development, and reduces their resentment and sense of entitlement. As parents, we want to try to duplicate (for the child) how the real world operates, because one day soon, they will be out in the real world and will need to be prepared for it.

In the real world -- as an adult – one has daily chores or tasks that must be performed. In the real world, one has to wait on himself (unless he is at a restaurant, but even then he pays for service in the form of a tip).

When we make things too comfortable for our teens, they come to expect this kind of treatment from others when they leave the nest and enter the world. Unfortunately, they often find themselves in a form of culture shock when they realize that other people do not treat them the same way good old mom and dad did. Now they have to play “catch up” (i.e., develop social skills they never developed as a teen because they were overly dependent on the parent).

Whenever you are undecided about what to do with your child, always ask yourself the following questions: “Will the action that I’m about take with my child inhibit the development of self-reliance, or will it promote the development of self-reliance.” If it promotes development, then it’s a good decision. If not, it’s a disservice to the child that will cause problems for him in the future.

Good question,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Click here for more help ==>  www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Do we let him go and get thrown to the wolves?

Mark,

Thank you so much for the opportunity to have access to the Online Parent Support book. As I am sure you already have realised, my husband and I are no different than any of the other parents I have been reading about. We have "tried everything" with our 14 year old ODD out of control son and it seems to be getting worse as each day goes by. I am the step-mother (wicked, in his eyes) and my husband and I have custody of him and his younger sister. They go to stay with their mother and step-father every other weekend. Their mother walked out on them when my step-son was 5 and my step-daughter was barely 2, so my husband raised them alone until he and I married 2 years later.

My husband and I sat down last night and were able to go through the ODD e-book together and are very excited about implementing it. Because as you say, we have been doing the same thing expecting different results mainly because we had no idea what else to do. So we are very committed to trying this program.

I have a couple of questions that we need some direction and advice on. First, my son will not get out of bed in the morning to get ready for school in the amount of time we have allowed. He gets called at 6:30 and is to be up and headed to the bathroom by 6:35. Invariably, he will push it until I have to keep calling and calling to get his butt out of bed. I have to leave to go to work at 6:50 and there have been times that I have left not knowing whether or not he missed the bus and school until I arrive home around 1:00 pm. Do I just let him fall on his face and miss school?

Also, I feel like he wins the battle because he ends up getting to do what he wants. He is in a situation on the bus that is he gets in trouble one more time he will be kicked off for the rest of the school year. So instead of addressing the situation, my husband picks him up after school. I don't agree with this. But what do we do if he gets kicked off the bus? We both have to work and our jobs require us to be there before school starts.

One more thing for now. His father is in the National Guard and may be getting deployed to Iraq in the next 6 months. My son thinks he will be going to live with his mother. She has no rules, no chores, and no discipline. Whereas, he knows that I am very strict (too strict sometimes) and with her he will get by with murder. Do we let him go and get thrown to the wolves? I don't feel she would be receptive to trying to join us in these new parenting techniques. She feels very guilty about walking out on them in the first place and is trying to make up for it by letting him do whatever he wants.

I apologize for the length of my letter, but felt you should know some of the details. Your input and advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

J.

-------------

Hi J.,

Re: problems getting him out of bed

1^st - Try to maintain his sleep routine by not allowing him to stay UP too late -- and sleep IN too late the following morning -- on the weekends. An extra hour or two is fine, but any more than that will throw his sleep cycle out-of-whack for the rest of the week. Also, make sure that he's not staying up extra late in his room after you think he's gone to bed.

2^nd - If he as a computer or TV in his bedroom, take them out of there! Make his room as boring as possible.

3^rd - Establish a consequence for NOT getting ready on time (e.g., must go to bed an hour earlier; cannot have any friends over on the weekend, etc.). And establish incentives for getting up on time (e.g., can have pizza Friday evening, can go to a Saturday afternoon movie with a friend). You get the idea – be creative!

4^th - Tell him it is time to get up, then make a very Very VEry VERy VERY load noise that startles him. Slam his door, smack the door with the palm of your hand, drop something heavy on the floor, yell “YEEEEHHAAAAAWWWWWW” – you get the idea. This will get his blood pressure up which will make it very difficult to settle back into alpha (warning: expect him to pretend that you did not startled him and that this strategy has no effect). I know this may seem like a ridiculous strategy, but it works. After several mornings of this, he will tend to not dawdle as much.

5^th - Use the strategy in the ebook: “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (in the Anger Management section of the online version of the ebook).

Re: may get kicked of the bus

Again, please refer to the strategy in the ebook: “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (in the Anger Management section of the online version of the ebook).

Re: Do we let him go and get thrown to the wolves?

If his mother is not going to be united and bonded with you and your husband regarding using identical parenting strategies, then why don’t you simply give yourself a break and let him go live his mother and step-father. Then when they complain about his behavior and ask you to take him back, they may be more likely to work with you. This is risky – I know.

I'm going to honk my horn for just a few seconds -- I’m a risk-taker. This is one of the reasons I’m successful with my clients. I'm very creative, and in some cases, I do the last thing I would ever think of doing first. I hope this way of thinking is rubbing off on you now.

Mark

http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

Words of wisdom?

My daughter has been diagnosed with OCD/OCPD and potentially bipolar disorder, but that last diagnosis is not confirmed yet...right now she is unable to go to school - anxiety and panic attack when the morning comes. We are extremely hesitant to go the home-school route, because of the probability of the anxiety transferring to another area --especially if she has not developed the skills to tackle it when she experiences the anxiety/panic.

I saw on your website the concept of getting her to have going back to school become her idea...any magical ways of getting that to happen??? Her father and I are at the end of our creative strategies rope (her father is a clinical psychologist and also has OCD)...words of wisdom?

Hopefully,

M.P.

____________________

Hi M.,

You've raised a lot of issues here. Each one should be addressed in detail. But given the constraints of time, I'll briefly touch on each one.

Let's first identify the individual issues:

1. OCD
2. Possibly bipolar
3. anxiety
4. panic
5. unable [unwilling] to go to school

Re: OCD

Is she on an antidepressant? If so, does it help? Another complicating factor is that when anti-depressants are given without mood stabilizers to people with bipolar disorder, the antidepressants may induce mania or hypomania. So her psychiatrist will need about a year of experimentation (the art side of pharmacotherapy) in order to get the right combinations and dosages of medication. It will be important that everyone in the family be patient with this process.

Re: bipolar

Bipolar disorder is difficult to recognize in young people because it does not fit precisely the symptom criteria established for adults, and symptoms can resemble or co-occur with those of other common childhood-onset mental disorders and may be mistaken for normal emotions and behaviors of children and adolescents.

As a result, Bipolar kids are often given any number of psychiatric labels (e.g., ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Separation Anxiety Disorder, etc.).

Too often they are treated with stimulants or antidepressants -- medications which can actually worsen the bipolar condition.

Having said that, it has been my experience that when bipolar is suspected, it is eventually diagnosed (i.e., if her doctor believes she may be bipolar, she probably is). Is anyone else in the family bipolar (e.g., uncle, grandparent)? As you probably know, bipolar is highly genetic.

So my advice, based on my best guess (and it is only a guess at this point), would be to begin focusing on the bipolar issue because (a) she probably is bipolar and (b) once the bipolar symptoms are stabilized, the other symptoms (anxiety, panic, oc behavior, etc.) will get addressed by default (at least from a medical standpoint).

(Please read the section of the ebook on Dealing With a Bipolar Teen.)

Re: school

Going on the assumption that she is bipolar (and again, it is just an assumption): Bipolar children will not function well in a regular school setting - so that's out, period!

However, the bipolar kids I work with do very well in alternative school environments or GED programs where the classes are small and they get sufficient amounts of one-on-one attention.

They do miss a lot of class time (e.g., "I got a headache," "I'm sick to my stomach," bla bla bla), but most alternative schools are willing to deal with poor attendance within reasonable limits.

In any event, your task will be to have a relaxed attitude about all things -- model "having a relaxed attitude" throughout the day, everyday!!! Your daughter will pick up on it at an unconscious level. Then you'll be working your magic.

I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH...

The more you and your husband develop the "art of letting go," the less she will stress. The less she stresses, the fewer symptoms she will experience. The fewer symptoms she experiences, the more she can focus on the really important things in life (relationships, school, work, play, etc.).

It sounds like the whole family may be in "survival mode" (i.e., spending a lot of time and energy just trying to keep the boat from sinking). One can escape from this mode by practicing "having a relaxed attitude," a "grateful heart" and a "sense of humor." If you think you simply can't do this right now, then fake it anyway (i.e., "act as if" you are relaxed, grateful, and finding things to laugh about). With practice, this becomes habit.

In summary, the real issue here as I see it is "stress." Everybody is feeling pressure. And I can promise you that if everyone is uptight most of the waking hours -- you will have a long, hard road ahead.

I really have a lot more to say, but am out of time.

Please stay in touch,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

When the Father Lets the Kids Get Away with Bad Behavior

Question: I have a 14 year old son, and we always seem to be angry with each other. I try to be patient, but whatever I do seems to annoy him and vice versa. My husband takes a different approach than me, and this also causes conflict between us as he lets our son get away with bad behaviour by ignoring it. If our son is rude to me, he doesn't say anything, he just says that I should deal with it. What can I do?

Click here for my response...

Our granddaughter is in more trouble...

"This morning I've discovered that our situation with our granddaughter is more troubled than my original thought of disrespect and disobedience….Lying has increased to almost a way of daily life for her. I discovered a flask containing alcohol under her mattress and a notebook with entries outlining making out with boys, sneaking out, smoking and the fact that she hates my husband and myself. She is nearly 14 and has lived with us for the past 8 years. Her parents divorced before she was a year with her Dad as custodian care taker. Once he remarried there was real trouble with step mother and step sisters. At age 5, she lived with her Mom & step-dad til she came to us at age 6…her mother is not in a position morally or financially to have her with her so we made the commitment to raise her. She has strong feelings of rejection from both parents which is only natural. She struggles with keeping more than one friend at a time. My question is that upon discovering this evidence which confirms our suspicions, should we confront her with our findings? Should her absentee parents be contacted before we confront her? Should we be contacting some outside intervention for her as well? Any advice you might offer would be appreciated. Our concern was not to 'corner' her into doing something drastic but to let her know that we know the truth and offer to help with solutions. Thank you, S.S."

___________________________

Hi S.,

Let's take each of your questions in turn:

...upon discovering this evidence which confirms our suspicions, should we confront her with our findings?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yes ...the strategy you may want to use to go about this is in the Online Version of the eBook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a

Should her absentee parents be contacted before we confront her?

>>>>>>>>>> Not necessarily, but it might be the polite thing to do to keep them in the loop. Maybe wait until after you confront your granddaughter to update them. Also, I think it would be better NOT to invite the absentee parents to the confrontation.

Should we be contacting some outside intervention for her as well?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Not yet.

1. Re: possession of alcohol: use the strategy in the link above

2. Re: lying: this is covered here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/lying

3. Re: sneaking out: refer to the section "What to do when you want something from your kid" in this chapter: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/am

4. Re: smoking: this is covered here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a

under this headline --"I'm pretty sure my daughter is smoking cigarettes. I hate the thought that she is doing this to herself, especially at such a young age. Any ideas?"

5. Re: hates my husband & myself: She doesn't hate you, rather she loves you but is angry with you -- and this anger (which is really about her parents) gets misdirected toward you. Thus be patient with her and let her have her anger -- she will not be talked out of it. (Notice I said "be patient" rather than "you should feel sorry for her and over-indulge her to compensate for the bad cards she has been dealt").

Keep me posted.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark

==> MyOutOfControlTeen.com

It's been hard to take this back seat...

Hello Mark,

I know I have not been very diligent in corresponding. I will tell you ever since I made the statement to my son, "As a parent, I know I've made some mistakes in my parenting decisions. And I realize, as a parent, I have an obligation to you to make some changes." With that, I included: "...although I don't know what those changes are, completely, I can tell you that as they come up I will discuss them openly with you and we can come to agreements together, something we both can live with."

I've completely stepped back from 'hounding' him about grades and his bedroom...both of which he has taken responsibility, for that I am so grateful! I said to him that I can't do it for him when it comes to school and that he is solely responsible for whether he wants to successfully graduate high school and move on to college.

That said, it's been hard to take this back seat, but it's paying off and he's becoming more responsible. We attended a College Fair last month and it was his idea! I'm glad to say he's at least starting to think about college seriously.

Thanks again and I'm sure I'll be in touch.

R.V. (parent of a 16 year old young man)

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

What will your program teach me?

I have a 15-year-old who is driving me crazy. He talks back. He is always fussing on the phone with his girlfriend. Its his way or no way, and I am going out of my mind. I sometimes wish he was at boarding school. My nerves are out of control. What will your program teach me, and why should I buy it?

________________________

Hi P.,

>>>>>>>>>> Why should you join my program?

Because I have the best offer on the internet. If you don't believe me, try to find a better deal -- you won't!

My website is ranked #1 in MSN and #2 in Yahoo for parenting out-of-control kids.

When you download "My ODD Child" eBook, you will automatically become a member of Online Parent Support. As a member you will have access to the following:

1) Your online parent coach - me
2) The online version of "My ODD Child" eBook
3) The printable version of "My ODD Child" eBook
4) Over 3 hours of audio from the ODD seminar
5) 7 Power Point presentations used during the seminar
6) 2 videos used during the seminar
7) 10 videos that demonstrate "how to make money online" (for the single moms & dads who get little or no financial help from their child's other parent)
8) Access to my website
9) Online Parent Support Chat Room
10) Online Parent Support Forum
11) Online Parent Support Newsletter
12) Online Parent Support Newsroom
13) Online Parent Support Blog
14) 22 additional parenting eBooks
15) 22 additional eBooks on "how to make money from home"
16) Access to free government grants for families and women
17) A "Guide To Writing Funding Proposals"
18) A money back guarantee

>>>>>>>>>> What will my program teach you?

What to do when your child --
1. Abuses alcohol
2. Abuses drugs
3. Applies guilt trips
4. Applies insults
5. Argues with adults
6. Believes the rules don't apply to him
7. Blames others for his behavior
8. Blames others for his problems
9. Calls you names (e.g., "bitch," "asshole," etc.)
10. Deliberately annoys people
11. Destroys property in the house
12. Does not feel responsible for her actions
13. Does not take “no” for an answer
14. Engages in self-injury or cutting
15. Feels entitled to privileges
16. Gets caught shoplifting
17. Gets into trouble with the law
18. Gets suspended or expelled from school
19. Has a learning disability
20. Has an eating disorder
21. Has been sexually abused
22. Has frequent anger outbursts
23. Has problems with authority figures
24. Has problems with siblings
25. Is bullied at school or in the neighborhood
26. Is depressed
27. Is failing academically
28. Is getting into trouble with chat rooms
29. Is grieving the loss of a family member or friend
30. Is hanging with the wrong crowd
31. Is having unprotected sex
32. Is manipulative and deceitful
33. Is parented by a adoptive parent
34. Is parented by a divorced or separated parent
35. Is parented by a foster parent
36. Is parented by a grand parent
37. Is parented by a single parent
38. Is parented by a step parent
39. Is physically aggressive
40. Is resentful and vindictive
41. Is sexually abusive
42. Is touchy and easily annoyed by others
43. Is verbally abusive
44. Is very disrespectful
45. Lacks motivation
46. Leaves the house without permission
47. Lies
48. Refuse to do chores
49. Refuses to follow rules
50. Runs away from home
51. Skips school
52. Smokes cigarettes
53. Slips out at night while you are asleep
54. Steals
55. Suffers with ADHD
56. Suffers with Bi-Polar Disorder
57. Suffers with Conduct Disorder
58. Teases or bullies others
69. Threatens suicide
60. Uses excessive profanity

If you can find a better deal than this for under 30 bucks, you better take it.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Daughter Caught Smoking

Question:

Do you have a tried and true discipline for a teenage daughter who is caught smoking?

Answer:

Sorry. You're not going to like my advice, but here goes:

You will not be able to stop her from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not a battle you should fight. In fact, the more you worry about it or lecture her, the more she will smoke! In fact, she will enjoy turning this into a game (i.e., I'll play "sneaking a smoke without mom knowing").

But you can stop her from smoking on YOUR property. Here's what you can say to your daughter:

"I can't keep you from damaging your health by smoking. But it's your health - not mine! However, I don't want you smoking in my house or anywhere on my property. If you choose to smoke on my property, you'll choose the consequence, which is grounding for 3 days without privileges (e.g., use of phone, T.V., computer, etc.)."

If your daughter smokes on the property, follow through with the consequence. If YOU smoke, keep your cigarettes with you at all times.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

I Don't Want My Kid Following In My Footsteps

What if you haven't been the greatest role model for your kid in the past and are just starting out to become one? What can I do to help my kid not follow in my footsteps??!

______________________

Hi M.,

Simply think about what you say and how you act in front of your child. Your child learns social skills and how to deal with stress by listening to and watching you.

Do not take part in illegal, unhealthy, or dangerous practices related to alcohol, tobacco, or illegal drugs or he may believe that, no matter what you say, these practices are OK.

Perhaps most importantly, know that you are a good mother in spite of some bad choices you may have made in the past. The past is NOT the present, and no one should be held hostage by their past.

Mark

Any Natural Treatment For ADHD?

My son is ADHD, but I don't like the idea of him being on strong medication for it. Is there any natural way to treat ADHD?

_____________________

Hi A.,

There are many natural treatments for ADHD, but few of them have ever been compared to a placebo, so it is hard to know if they really work.

The only natural treatments worth considering for ADHD are those based on increasing certain fatty acids in the brain. There are abnormalities in these fatty acids in the brains of people who have ADHD.

Omega-3 fatty acids may work best. Sources of Omega-3 are fish, flax seed oil, and some greens. Of these three, fish oils may work best and are worth trying -- not because they work so well -- but because they have few side effects. But there's no hard evidence that they work at all.

Sorry I don't have better news for you,

Mark

He's Soiling His Pants

My son is 6-years-old and was diagnosed with ODD last year. I am currently having a problem with him soiling his pants. I am at "whits end" ...don't know what to do.

______________________________

Hi J.,

Some of the reasons for soiling are:

---problems during toilet training

---physical disabilities, which make it hard for the child to clean him/herself

---physical condition (e.g., chronic constipation, Hirschprung's Disease)

---family or emotional problems

Soiling which is NOT caused by a physical illness or disability is called encopresis.

Children with encopresis may have other problems, such as short attention span, low frustration tolerance, hyperactivity and poor coordination.

Occasionally, this problem with soiling starts with a stressful change in the child's life, such as the birth of a sibling, separation/divorce of parents, family problems, or a move to a new home or school.

Encopresis is more common in boys than in girls.

Although most children with soiling do not have a physical condition, they should have a complete physical evaluation by a family physician.

If no physical causes are found, or if problems continue, the next step is an evaluation by a child psychiatrist. The psychiatrist will review the results of the physical evaluation and then decide whether emotional problems are contributing to the encopresis.

Encopresis can be treated with a combination of educational, psychological and behavioral methods. Most children with encopresis can be helped, but progress can be slow and extended treatment may be necessary. Early treatment of a soiling or bowel control problem can help prevent and reduce social and emotional suffering and pain for the child and family.

It will be important for you to catch your ODD son in the act of "not doing something wrong" (i.e., soiling himself). The trick will be for you to provide a lot of intensity when he is not soiling himself, and to provide NO intensity when he does.

Here's additional info on encopresis: www.aafp.org/afp/990415ap/2171.html

Please stay in touch,

Mark

How do I deal with my ODD child?

How do I deal with my child? He has all the symptoms of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).

------------------

Hi T.,

Actually it will take the whole eBook to answer this question adequately.

But in brief, parents typically use the same parenting strategies with their ODD kid that they used with their other kids -- why not? They are basically all the same -- right? Wrong!

Traditional kids respond well to traditional parenting strategies. However, ODD kids use traditional parenting strategies against the parent. Parents of ODD kids are in a never ending cycle of sabotage with their ODD kid. If you are in a power struggle with your ODD kid -- he's winning!

In my eBook, I'm going to show you a set of "non-traditional" parenting strategies that will work -- and they will work almost immediately.

If your situation is like that of the other parents I work with, things are not getting better -- they're getting worse. So please don't wait any longer.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark

My daughter feels very frustrated...

Mark,

My 12-year-old ODD daughter is at a school where groups of kids get dropped off at the mall to go to the movies, or just roam around, and then picked up by a parent a few hours later.

My husband does not want her to be able to go and do this with friends, and I am unsure as to whether to let her do this. It seems that many parents are letting their kids do this, and in this day and age I'm not sure how safe/unsafe this is.

My daughter feels very frustrated and "micromanaged" by her father and I, and is feeling that our over protectiveness is prohibiting her from having a normal social life with her friends.

What do you think?

B.

___________________

Great question B.,

As you may know from reading my eBook, “self-reliance” is key. So, whenever you and/or your husband are undecided about what to do, you should ask yourself the question: “Will the decision I’m about to make promote or inhibit the development of self-reliance.”

If your decision will promote self-reliance, then go ahead with the decision. If not, then don’t.

Thus, I believe you will be promoting self-reliance in your daughter by allowing her to develop social skills in the form of going with peers to the Mall. This also provides a testing ground for her to make good or bad choices (more self-reliance promotion).

“Over-protectiveness” is another form of “over-indulgence.” And as you may have read in the eBook, over-indulgence is the cancer that contributes to emotional and behavioral problems in our kids – the #1 contributor!

The four methods of over-indulgence are:

1. Giving the child too much stuff (materialism)
2. Giving the child too much freedom (activity-ism)
3. Over-nurturing (i.e., parent provides too much assistance or protection)
4. Soft structure (e.g., lax rules, no chores, no family activities)

In the spirit of fostering the development of self-reliance, your daughter should EARN her trips to the Mall. To allow her to go without “earning” her trip is synonymous with giving her a free “hand-out” of freedom. And as you may have read in the eBook, free handouts create (a) disrespect, (b) resentment, (c) a sense of entitlement, (d) dependency, and (e) a strong desire for more and more free handouts.

For example, she might be able to do a few chores in anticipation of an upcoming trip to the Mall. Also, you could require her “check-in” via landline or cell phone at hourly intervals while she is away. And you could require her to be home by a specific time.

Again, great question.

I hope this helps in your decision-making,

Mark

Click for more help ==>  www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Discipline vs. Punishment

Tonight I have been reading in your e-book about discipline vs. punishment. Do you have any more material on both of these? As I understand your idea, if I give my son a consequence for his action and he does it anyway, I then enforce the stated consequence - that seems like punishment to me. What am I not understanding?

Thanks, D.

______________

Great question D.,

--> Punishment is what parents do when they are angry with their child and want some form of revenge.

--> Discipline is what parents do when they help their child learn to make better choices.

--> Punishment is about parents trying to win a power struggle with their child.

--> Discipline is refusing to engage in a power struggle by calmly issuing a consequence as a learning tool with no ulterior motives.

--> Punishment is based on pride and ego.

--> Discipline is based on love and caring.

--> Punishment is NOT instructive.

--> Discipline is instructive.

Does this make sense?

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Oppositional Defiant Disorder and What Parents Can Do

Mark-

Thank you for your contact. I would like to run a couple of items by someone- here goes.

D____ (16) has apparently had alcohol and drug problems since he was 12 - we only noticed when he was 14. He has come home high many times - he also went into a residential substance abuse program voluntarily for 6 months - completed, and was great at home for about 6 weeks - same friends, same problems came back.

He got into some light trouble, crashed a motorized skateboard into a car (DUI), got a delay on license eligibility, went back to residential (court said to this time) for 45 days, administratively released without completion by residential as "dual diagnosis", and therefore not their type. He is now in contempt of court waiting for a court date.

The residential part time Psychiatrist came up with the ODD - diagnosis during his second stay. Not that I deny it - I just want to verify it. His behaviors certainly match ODD, but I'd like a real evaluation before the court has its say on Nov 17. They will likely place him somewhere, and if he refuses the program (and I expect he might) the Judge will levy a lesser time period but in Juvenile Hall - where it is lock down - the programs - depend upon wanting to get well - not locks. So he is a candidate for running if he wants to - and his defiance will lead him to tell the Judge to lock him up - whatever is the fastest way to be done with them and back on the street. Need I mention his school history is poor and liberally sprinkled with confrontations with authority figures?

D____ is also diagnosed add/adhd. Also, he is adopted. We know his parental history on the mother's side - she is a chronic drug/alcohol abuser with many stays in psychiatric facilities for "white out" due to overindulgence in drug combinations. She is not dead.

Does this kid need a residential program? He is obviously a risk to himself, but am I just taking a "time out" with a residential program, or can I hope for some lasting outcome? How do I get a real evaluation I can trust on the ODD component? Am I better off with therapy or behavioral mod? Should the AOD problem be treated first or simultaneously or after the ODD problem is validated and under therapy? Is there an underlying psychological cause of all this, or is the AOD feeding the ODD, or the reverse? Should I be searching for a cognitive - cognitive/behavioral - or straight behavioral treatment plan ....or something other? Are there drugs that he needs, or might take, that would alleviate symptoms (Depacote had no noticeable affect, Adderol seemed to help in school a bit, but the MD said no more unless he gave up drinking alcohol)?

Sorry to overwhelm you - but this stuff is my constant companion. I'll also talk to my wife on this (we are not separated or divorced - I just told her I was going to look into more avenues for information and direction, so I'm keeping her in the loop). I am not necessarily looking for solutions, but direction would be a big help. Thanks, J.

___________________

Hi J.,

We'll take a look at each question in turn:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>Does this kid need a residential program?

Yes!

>>>>>>>>>He is obviously a risk to himself, but am I just taking a "time out" with a residential program, or can I hope for some lasting outcome?

You need some time away from him. Will residential tx be a waste of time? Not totally. Keep in mind you have something very important working in your favor (what I call the "maturity factor"). ODD kids mature by default. The longer you can keep him from killing himself, the older he becomes. And the older he becomes, the more he matures - at least to some degree - simply by virtue of the passage of time. So yes, you should hope for some lasting outcome. But you'll need to hunker down for the long haul.

>>>>>>>>>>>How do I get a real evaluation I can trust on the ODD component?

If your son has only four of the following characteristics, he is ODD. And ODD never travels alone, so it doesn’t surprise me that he has some ADHD symptoms going on as well. 30% to 40% of ADHD kids also have ODD:

1. Often loses temper

2. Often argues with adults

3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

4. Often deliberately annoys people

5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others

7. Is often angry and resentful

8. Is often spiteful and vindictive

All of the criteria above include the word "often". Recent studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all children. Thus, researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria.

Has occurred at all during the last three months:

· Is spiteful and vindictive

· Blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Occurs at least twice a week:

· Is touchy or easily annoyed by others

· Loses temper

· Argues with adults

· Actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

Occurs at least four times per week:

· Is angry and resentful

· Deliberately annoys people

>>>>>>>>>>Am I better off with therapy or behavioral mod?

Cognitive-behavioral therapy. But when he comes home, your best bet is to use the strategies I discuss in my eBook. In working with ODD kids for nearly 20 years, I have discovered that parents are in the best position to do behavior modification -- moreso than a therapist.

>>>>>>>>>Should the AOD problem be treated first or simultaneously or after the ODD problem is validated and under therapy?

We (or at least I) know your son is ODD. And it should be treated now along with everything else.

>>>>>>>>>>>Is there an underlying psychological cause of all this, or is the AOD feeding the ODD, or the reverse?

Odd is hereditary. The ODD child's parent is usually an alcoholic or drug addict and has been in trouble with the law.

>>>>>>>>>Should I be searching for a cognitive-cognitive/behavioral - or staright behavioral treatment plan ....or something other?

Cognitive-behavioral.

>>>>>>>>>Are there drugs that he needs, or might take, that would alleviate symptoms (depacote had no noticeable affect, adderol seemed to help inschool a bit, but the MD said no more unless he gave up drinking alcohol)?

Has anybody along the way mentioned anything about Bipolar Disorder as a possible diagnosis. If your son is self-medicating to the degree you describe, he may be Bipolar. Pharmacotherapy is an art and a science. His psychiatrist will have to experiment with different doses and combinations of drugs over a year long period of time.

Good questions. I hope I answered them sufficiently.

Please stay in touch,

 

Mark

==========

More articles:

 

One day you wake up and find that life has changed forever. Instead of greeting you with a hug, your little boy rolls his eyes when you say "good morning" and shouts, "You're ruining my life!" You may think you've stepped into the Twilight Zone, but you've actually been thrust into your son's teen years.

During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?

Click here for full article...

------------------------------

Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.

Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

Click here for the full article...

------------------------------

The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.

Click here for the full article...

HELP!

On Monday night when I got home from work, my 17-year-old son had broken my glass dining table top into pieces. He also burned papers in the kitchen. I called the police (of course), but they could only talk to him because he lives there. Here is the problem: I told him that I would not cook in the kitchen nor would I purchase food from outside until he cleans the kitchen. This is the third day and the kitchen has not been cleaned, as far as the glass and burnt paper. This morning when I got up, I noticed that he has punched another pane out of his bedroom window.

What do I do? Do I continue to stick to my ground about not cooking or not purchasing food (McDonald's, Chili's, etc.), thus allowing him to feed himself? There is a lot of food in the kitchen that he can easily prepare.

Thanks,

T.

____________________


1st -- Do you live in the states? If so, what state? You should go to your local Juvenile Probation Department and file a complaint. No one should have to live like this! He is a danger to himself -- and you!

2nd -- I would go ahead and clean up the mess, but he should pay for ALL the damage eventually, either with money he earns from doing chores around the house or money earned from his place of employment. If he's 17, he should be working, not sponging off of you.

NEVER purchase food for him from a restaurant. If he wants to eat out, he must use his own money.

I think it would be o.k. to cook WITH him, not FOR him. In other words, he must be in the kitchen with you and help with food preparation as well as "clean up" (e.g., help wash dishes).

I'm going to be very blunt here (and please don't get angry with me for saying this) -- your son is obviously spoiled rotten!!! Plus, I'm terribly concerned for your safety.

Please review the chapter in the e-Book entitled "Anger Management."

Also, please stay in touch,

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Problems Waking Teens Up In The Morning

"My 18 year old has finally got a job & is doing well, but we are experiencing terrible problems getting him up in the morning in order to get to work on time. He won't take any responsibility for this himself, but shouts abuse at us when we try to motivate him. What advice do you have?"

Unfortunately, you can't motivate him! Do yourself a big favor and get out of the business of playing “alarm clock” – “waking up” is your son's job.

The more you take responsibility for your son “waking up,” the less responsibility he will take. The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your son’s employment. No more nagging him to get up. This problem belongs to your son.

When you give up ownership, your son will have to make a choice - he'll have to decide if he will or will not accept ownership of his employment. And he'll lose the power of pushing your “employment buttons,” to frustrate and worry you.

Out-of-control teens intentionally try to keep parents in the position of taking responsibility for “waking them up.” Often parents are in a never-ending cycle of their teen’s sabotage. Since parents are continuously telling their teens how important it is to get to work on time, their teens use this information to anger them. The more parents try, the less out-of-control teens work.

Many people who are successful in life performed poorly early in their teenage “work life.” Remember your high school reunion, and remember the people you never expected to do well because they couldn’t keep a job for very long -- but they did do well eventually.

Your son is not going to end up sitting on the street corner with a tin can waiting for coins to be handed him from sympathetic passersby because he can’t find or keep a job. Get rid of the fear that his choice to "sleep-in" will damage his future. When he decides it's time to take responsibility for getting up and off to work, he will.

Buy him an alarm clock. If it goes off and he chooses not to get up – it’s his problem. He may have to get fired a few times before he “wakes up” and figures out that mom is not going to continue to treat him as though he were a small child. You must let him make mistakes and bad choices. He’ll not learn otherwise.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

I Need Some Advice

I need some advice on how to handle my ODD 16-year-old son. He's out of contol! He's been in and out of the mental wards -- and the latest is he assulted me.

_____________________


Hi J.,

He sounds like a handful, just like all the other oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) teens and pre-teens I work with.

Just last night (Monday), two of the mothers in attendance at my 'ODD Seminar' were in tears regarding problems at home. It's the same story I hear again and again:

"My son...

...calls me a "bitch"
...uses the "F" word in nearly every sentence
...comes home when he wants
...leaves when he wants
...is failing at school
...is about to get kicked out of school
...has no appreciation for anything I do for him
...has threatened me
...refuses to follow any rules or do any chores
...steals, lies ...and so on."

Rather than work with parents, I used to just work with the ODD kids who had recently been discharged from placement. Then after several years of finding a formula that works with these kids, I decided to teach parents what I had learned.

So I put the method on paper in the form of a book and started a parent group (for parents with out-of-control teens and preteens).

Now all this material is online. You can literally attend my ODD Seminar from home.

If your situation is like most parents situation, things are not getting better -- they're getting worse. This is because ODD kids are what I call "unconventional" or "nontraditional." And conventional parenting strategies DO NOT WORK with these kids.

Thus, we will be looking at a set of unconventional parenting strategies in my eBook.

Please don't wait! If you decide NOT to download my eBook, you may still email me for assistance at mbhutten@yahoo.com. But I'll be able to assist you more effectively once you have gone through the Seminar:
www.myoutofcontrolteen.com
Mark

Major Improvement

Hi Mark,

We have had a major improvement at home for now.

My Hubby went on a work training course about managing change in the workplace, and one thing he learnt regarding change in the workplace was not to just say, "this is what’s happening, now go do it." He was told to keep in regular contact with his employees.

This made him/us realise what we said to our 11-year-old: "Don't like your attitude, don't like your behaviour, change it." But that would be it, we wouldn't do anything or say anything else -- then 3 weeks later we'd be saying the same thing. It was like a big circle that NEVER changed.

So for the last 3 weeks we have been having a nightly meeting with our son. We bring a talking object (only the holder of the object may speak, and we put Josh in charge of what it was to be, so it changes daily), and we discuss the day.

We have found this has had a huge impact with Joshua. He likes attention. So our meetings are when our little one is in bed or outside. We have had to call a couple of what we call “crisis meetings” during the 3 weeks, but generally we have found a major improvement. We spent lots of time on the positives of the day, and we brush over the negatives - unless the day has been a major disaster with extreme behaviour.

This for our family is working well.

Regards,

M.
__________________
See improvements in your home:
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I'm Getting No Support From My Fiancé

Mark,

I am still working on instilling assignment 1 into myself. I have caught myself many times arguing with my kids, but quickly caught myself.

My fiancé (to be honest) is not the support network I was hoping for. We live together, and he is here with the kids while I am at work and he hasn't even picked up the your book that I printed out.

I am unsure as to what to do. I have only really begun this today. I had to read it between working full time, a 19-month-old baby, 3 teenage boys, and a teenage daughter that isn't living at home any longer. I guess I am behind schedule.

I apologize. I kept waiting for my fiancé to take the time to go over it with me. I wanted to make sure I could count on his support. I don't believe that I can count on him to support me or even take this new approach seriously. Can I make this work even though he is still living here and not taking this too seriously?

C.

_______________

Hi C.,

There have been instances where my wife felt un-supported, but she does a good job of asserting herself and telling me what she needs. This is very helpful to me, because I get a clear idea of what I need to do differently.

Anyway, I think it is very possible to make this work even though your fiancé is not taking things seriously. You will have to take the initiative however.

Can you sit down with him sometime and get him up-to-speed on the MOST important parenting strategies. Those would be:


· “The Art of Saying Yes”
· “The Art of Saying No”
· “When You Want Something From Your Kid”


He is probably willing to work with you to at least some degree -- if not, you should get rid of him!

Explain the most important strategies listed above. Keep it short and simple (i.e., summarize these strategies for him). Then the two of you practice, practice, then practice some more. Eventually your new parenting strategies will become habit.

Stay in touch. I’m here for you.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My Son Hates Me

"My son feels offended because I went to the school and got a drug test to be performed on him. What I can do to ease the hate he now feels toward me? How can I make him talk to me again without giving him the edge?"

I don't think your son hates you. He probably doesn't like you, though. Sit down with your son and have the following conversation:

Tell him that you love him so much that you are not willing to stand by and watch him make poor choices and engage in self-destructive behaviors that will hurt him -- and his family. This is why you are using "tough love."

You're not out to make his life miserable, you are trying to help him grow. If you didn't love or care for him, you wouldn't bother with him.

Resist your impulse to strive and struggle for your son's acceptance. Don't strain to get him to "like" you as you begin to set some limits with his behavior. Instead, enjoy the process of the good parenting you are doing. His acceptance will come independent of your striving for it.

Love and caring for your son is about process, not outcome. And process is about purpose. And purpose is about doing what you know in your heart is the right thing to do whether your son sees it yet or not.

Believe it or not, one day your son will see the bigger picture and realize you were doing him a favor all along.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Is She ODD?

Mark,

Thanks for your concern. Well I have started reading the ebook, but have not yet completed. I thought I should first complete reading before implementing. I think its an excellent book and am looking forward to seriously using the advise given there. I just wanted a little clarity with respect to my case. Please bear with me.

I have only one adopted child (adopted from the day she was born) who just turned thirteen. Since childhood we have found her to be a very difficult child. Though we have not got her diagnosed clinically as an ODD child, from what I have read in the past and also from your book she conforms to at least 90% of the criteria given for ODD.

Since she had always been very hyper, impulsive, lacked concentration, easily distracted and used abusive language, I had her locally (in Pakistan) assessed when she was 8 and was told she is not ADHD just a high spirited child and needed a behavioural therapy program.

In order to confirm this I had taken her to a psychiatrist in Dallas (where my family lives) when she was ten years old and she was diagnosed as having anxiety disorder with a mild case of ADHD not to be ruled out.

At that time she had a fear of darkness and never slept alone in her room. She slept with us till she was ten. Then based on the US doc’s advice, I gradually (in one years time) weaned her out of this and now she is not scared of the dark and sleeps alone in her room -- in fact she does not even want us to enter her room.

I realised from what I have read in your book that our parenting style was the one used by parents of normal children. Honestly speaking I am more of an overindulgent parent. But due to the unmanageable state of affairs now which has driven us up the wall, we feel we need help.

My question to you is that do you think its safe to follow your instructions given in your book even though she has not been clinically diagnosed as ODD?

If you need to know more about my daughter please feel free to ask. I just feel that since none of my previous parenting style has helped I should follow your advise as my gut feeling is that something is definitely wrong with her behaviour as she lacks control and is highly emotionally sensitive too.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

S.

____________________

Hi S.,

I’ll give you the short answer first:

The methods described in my ebook are very safe for those children who have not yet been diagnosed with ODD.

Most of my teen and pre-teen clients have not been formally diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or conduct disorder (CD). But ALL of them have the characteristics of the disorders to one degree or another. Whether you have big problems or small ones, the techniques discussed in the ebook will work well for you.

Now for the longer answer:

If your daughter has only four of the following characteristics, she is ODD. And ODD never travels alone, so it doesn’t surprise me that she has some ADHD symptoms going on as well. 30% to 40% of ADHD kids also have ODD:

1. Often loses temper
2. Often argues with adults
3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
4. Often deliberately annoys people
5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
7. Is often angry and resentful
8. Is often spiteful and vindictive

All of the criteria above include the word "often". Recent studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all children. Thus, researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria.

Has occurred at all during the last three months:
· Is spiteful and vindictive
· Blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Occurs at least twice a week:
· Is touchy or easily annoyed by others
· Loses temper
· Argues with adults
· Actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

Occurs at least four times per week:
· Is angry and resentful
· Deliberately annoys people

I hope this answers your question.

Stay in touch,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com