A new killer drug has recently hit the U.S. All parents should be aware of this and talk to their teenagers about it:
2C-I (also called "Smiles") is becoming a serious problem. This drug comes in liquid, pill or powder form and is usually snorted or ingested.
Overdoses of the drug have been reported in Indiana and Minnesota, but 2C-I is surfacing in many parts of the country. During an overdose, the user’s muscles may become rigid and his/her body temperature becomes elevated. Overdoses have been known to cause seizures, kidney failure, and fatally high blood pressure.
The effects of 2C-I have been called a combination of MDMA (ecstasy) and LSD, only far more potent. Users have reported a speedy charge along with intense visual and aural hallucinations that can last anywhere from hours to days.
2C-I is relatively new. It first surfaced around 2003 in European party scenes and only recently made its way to the states. One user describes the high as a "roller coaster ride through hell," while another warns "do not drive on this drug," after recounting his own failed attempt on the highway.
According to data obtained by the American Association of Poison Control, half of those exposed to 2C-I in 2011 were teens. The fact that 2C-I is new and untraceable in standard drug tests makes it more of a challenge for physicians to treat. It also contributes to drug's growing popularity among high school and college-age young people.
Users of 2C-I report a physical stimulant effect, often quite strong and clean. The onset of effects usually occurs within two hours, and the effects of the drug typically last somewhere between 4 to 12 hours (depending on the dose). The effects of the drug at smaller dosages (less than 12 mg) have been reported as more mental and less sensory. The effects of the drug at larger dosages (12-30+ mg) are often described as combining psychedelic or hallucinogenic effects typical of drugs such as LSD with the empathogenic or entactogenic effects of drugs such as MDMA.
Users report feeling light and sometimes giddy or excited during the first two hours. Some physical effects include dilated pupils, high energy, and muscle relaxation. Unpleasant physical side-effects include muscle tension, nausea, and vomiting.
What teens need to know:
Unless they are aware of the problem, physicians in your area may not immediately test for this chemical if you are admitted to the hospital due to an impending overdose, which means they won't know what to do to help you!
Those caught distributing the drug face serious criminal charges.
Teens in North Dakota and Minnesota who gave or sold the drug to other teens who overdosed are now being charged with 3rd degree murder.
Teens who take 2C-I behave erratically and describe the trip as being an intense - and horrific - visual and aural hallucination that can last from hours to days.
If you suspect that your teenager is taking 2C-I or other synthetic drugs, consult with his or her doctor immediately!
What’s up with this title: Are You Creating A Monster?
Well… in other words, are you spending a lot of time, energy and money seeing to it that your child is as “happy as a lark” to the exclusion of helping him or her develop self-reliance and a sense of personal responsibility?
Kids don’t turn into a monster because they’re innately bad. Instead, an over-indulgent parent who doesn’t provide limits and structure can foster out-of-control behavior in children. If you are creating a monster, you’ll know it. Child monsters are rude to you and other grown-ups. They won’t share with other kids. They will act bossy and demand to be first in line. They don’t answer your questions and ignore your instructions. If you deny them a new toy or treat, you’ll face a tempest of crying, howling, and little fists pounding the floor. Here are a few more signs that you are in the process of creating a monster:
Your child believes the rules do not apply to him.
She can be very manipulative.
He does not get along well with authority figures.
She refuses to do any chores.
Tantrums are normal in toddlers, but your 5-year-old is still throwing a fit every time she doesn't get what she wants.
When you say "no" to your child, "no" eventually becomes a "maybe" which eventually becomes a "yes."
You don’t want your son or daughter to have to go through what you went through as a child.
You feel guilty because of having to work and not being able to spend enough time with your child, so you compensate by giving him a lot of freedom and privileges.
You have a hard time asking your child to do a particular chore because you know it will likely start an argument.
You rarely (if ever) leave your child with grandma or a babysitter.
You serve dinner and your youngster doesn't want to eat what's on the table, so you go out of your way to make a special meal for him.
You sometimes feel guilty about your parenting (e.g., “I haven’t done enough” or “I haven’t done a very good job”).
You sometimes feel sorry for your child.
You try to be your child’s “friend.”
Your 6-year-old continues to act like a baby or toddler -- kicking and screaming, biting other kids, and not using age-appropriate ways of communicating her thoughts and feelings.
Your child feels entitled to privileges, but not responsible for his actions.
Your child is in charge (i.e., the tail is wagging the dog).
She usually gets her way in the long run.
He usually throws fits when it's time to go to school or day care.
Your youngster can't go to sleep unless you're there.
So how do avoid creating a monster? By setting age-appropriate boundaries that let children go after life exuberantly and test the limits, starting in the toddler years. Here's how:
1. Many moms and dads shower their children with gifts and never require them to earn something on their own. But spoiling your children with all the toys, clothes, and electronic gadgets they want deprives them of important life lessons (e.g., saving up for a treasured possession). If you get everything you want, you don’t learn gratitude. If you never have to wait, you don’t learn patience. Unchecked, a youngster’s sense of entitlement can spill over into the classroom, sports team, and play dates, causing rejection from other peers. Even spoiled brats hate being spoiled brats. They will be the first ones to know that their selfishness is getting in the way. They will show you, even as they’re defending themselves, that they’re envious of peers who aren’t spoiled.
2. Avoid rescuing or overprotecting your child. Is your son always late for school? Stop nagging and let him suffer the consequences of constant tardiness. It sounds simple, but most moms and dads are quick to rush in and rescue. Unless the child is in danger, let him stew in the messes he makes. Moms and dads who repeatedly shield their children from consequences thwart their growth in character.
3. Avoid the trap of over-explaining or haggling endlessly over routine matters (e.g., tooth-brushing, turning off the video game, bedtime, etc.). Your youngster will only argue with you like a pint-sized lawyer. Does your 10-year-old son really need dozens of nightly reminders about the benefits of personal hygiene if he’s smart enough to beat you at Chinese checkers?
4. Be consistent. Always do what you say you're going to do. If you tell your daughter there will be consequences for a certain behavior, she should know you mean it. “This time I'm really taking your iPod away if you don't get busy doing your homework" doesn't work when you've already said it ten times.
5. Commit yourself wholeheartedly to stop creating a monster. You have to commit. If you do it halfway, it’s better than not at all, but it’s not going to work until you really do it. For example, a mother who wants a youngster to start cleaning his room has to make sure that the job gets done right. If you pick up one crayon and a piece of clothing and that’s it, it isn’t going to work.
6. Don't let your guilt get in the way of your parenting. Your job as a mother or father is not to make yourself feel good by giving your son or daughter everything that makes you feel good when you give it.
7. Provide consistent discipline and consequences. Actions speak louder than words. Cut the chatter and provide concrete consequences. For example, is tooth-brushing a problem for your youngster? Try no snacks for the entire next day. No warnings, no threats, just a total prohibition of junk food for the next 24 hours.
8. Redefine what taking care of your kids means. Are you providing for them emotionally and spiritually? You need not buy them material goods in order to create a bond. Instead of tangible gifts, how about spending some time together? Be careful that you aren't teaching them that emotions can be healed with food and fun activities.
9. Replace empty threats with clear, calm, concise instructions. Children hear their moms and dads say, "stop, no, it’s the last time." All the screaming and the counting to three and the threats -- we have trained them to ignore us for 11 hours because they know that in the 12th hour, they’re going to get their way. Say what you mean. If you just say the words and say what’s going to happen and stick to it, that’s what has the power -- the consequence. You don’t even have to yell.
10. Stay calm. Losing your temper with bad behavior only makes you feel bad and look out of control (kind of like a monster) -- and it doesn't teach the youngster better behavior.
11. Stay on track. Despite a parent’s best intentions to stop creating a monster, lots of things can derail the effort (e.g., fatigue, being overwhelmed by work responsibilities, marital troubles, etc.). Moms and dads can remind themselves that the reason they’re going to give in is a selfish reason -- because it’s easier. Remind yourself that you didn’t hesitate when the child, as a 2-year-old, wanted to drink the Chlorox. You had to take it away from them, right? Even if they said they hated you and they screamed, you didn’t feel bad about that. You have to develop the same mind-set and realize that this is best for them.
12. Talk openly with your child about behavior as he gets older. School-age children are capable of insight, so sit down and to try to figure problems out together. For example, if you ask a son, "Why are you doing this?" …he may not be able to tell you. But if you say, "I wonder why this keeps happening" …that open-ended question might give him the room to speculate. You might be surprised by what you learn!
The bottom line is this: Your primary job as a mother or father is to prepare your youngster for how the world really works. In the real world, you don't always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as a grown-up if you've experienced it as a youngster.
The tween years are an exciting and challenging time for your youngster –
and for you. This stage in your son or daughter's life occurs in that
brief, eruptive time “between” (hence the name "tween") early childhood
and adolescence.
No longer is your little man playing cops and robbers
in the confines of your backyard – rather he's now biking through the
neighborhood with his buddies. And your darling baby girl may be
thinking less about her Barbie doll and more about her appearance.
Tweenhood
is a game-changer for the whole family. So, if your youngster is
between the ages of 8 and 12, throw out all of your old childhood parenting books,
because you'll need a new set of techniques for the years ahead.
In
this post, you are going to get the top 25 strategies you'll need for nurturing and disciplining your
tween:
1. Asking your tween to suggest a consequence. Your
tween may have an easier time accepting a consequence if she played a
role in deciding it.
2. Avoid punishing your tween when you're
angry. Likewise, don't impose penalties you're not prepared to carry
out — and punish only the guilty party, not other family members.
3. Avoid ultimatums. Your tween may view an ultimatum as condescending and interpret it as a challenge.
4. Be careful when scolding. Make sure you reprimand your tween's
behavior, not your tween. Avoid using a sarcastic, demeaning or
disrespectful tone. Also, avoid reprimanding your tween in front of his
friends.
5. Be concise. Keep your rules short and to the point.
6. Be flexible. As your tween demonstrates more responsibility, grant her
more freedom. If your tween shows poor judgment, impose more
restrictions.
7. Be prepared to explain your decisions. Your
tween may be more likely to comply with a rule when he understands its
purpose.
8. Be reasonable. Avoid setting rules your tween
can't possibly follow. A chronically messy tween may not be able to
maintain a spotless bedroom overnight.
9. Be specific. Rather than telling your tween not to stay out late, set a specific curfew.
10. Consistent rules are still needed, but keep reviewing rules and changing them as your tween grows.
11. Don’t give too many orders – these can overwhelm tweens. Explain why
some things have to be, but listen to their views. If you have to
overrule, explain that until they are more mature, there are some
decisions you must make for them.
12. Enforce consequences.
Enforcing consequences can be tough — but your tween needs you to be her
parent, not a buddy. Being too lenient may send the message that you
don't take your tween's behavior seriously, while being too harsh can
cause resentment. Be consistent when you enforce limits. Whatever
disciplinary tactic you choose, relate the consequences to the broken
rule and deliver them immediately. Limit punishments to a few hours or
days to make them most effective.
13. Impose additional responsibilities. Assign your tween additional household tasks for misbehavior.
14. Impose additional restrictions. Take away a privilege or possession
that's meaningful to your tween (e.g., computer time or a cell phone)
when he is disrespectful.
15. Minimize pressure. Don't
pressure your tween to be like you were (or wish you had been) at her
age. Give your tween some leeway when it comes to clothing and
hairstyles. It's natural for tweens to rebel and express themselves in
ways that differ from their moms and dads. If your tween shows an
interest in body art (i.e., tattoos and piercings), make sure she
understands the health risks (e.g., skin infections, allergic reactions,
hepatitis B and C).
Also, talk about potential permanence or scarring.
As you allow your tween some degree of self-expression, remember that
you can still maintain high expectations for your tween and the kind of
person she will become.
16. Prioritize rules. While it's
important to consistently enforce your rules, you can occasionally make
exceptions when it comes to matters such as homework habits, TV watching
and bedtime. Prioritizing rules will give you and your tween a chance
to practice negotiating and compromising. Before negotiating with your
tween, however, consider how far you're willing to bend.
Don't negotiate
when it comes to restrictions imposed for your tween's safety (e.g.,
substance abuse, sexual activity, reckless driving). Make sure your
tween knows early on that you won't tolerate tobacco, alcohol or other
drug use.
17. Put rules in writing. Use this technique to counter a selective memory.
18. Set a positive example. Remember, tweens learn how to behave by
watching their mother and father. Your actions generally speak louder
than your words. Set a positive example and your tween will likely
follow your lead.
19. Clearly state your expectations. To
encourage your tween to behave well, identify what constitutes
acceptable and unacceptable behavior at home, at school and elsewhere.
As you establish appropriate rules, explain to your tween the behavior
you expect as well as the consequences for complying and disobeying.
20. Stay calm and avoid arguments as much as possible.
21. Understand your tween will want to test out her independence. Answering
back or disobeying can often be a way of demonstrating this, and
showing she has a mind of her own. Encourage as much independence as
possible, even if it involves some risks – tweens need to learn by their
own mistakes.
22. Use active ignoring. Tell your tween that
you'll talk to him when the whining, sulking or yelling stops. Ignore
your tween in the meantime.
23. Use specific praise, describing exactly what it is being given for.
24. Use “reflective listening” (i.e., feeding back what you’ve been told and not leaping in with your own judgments).
25. Encourage cyber safety. Get to know the technology your tween is using
and the websites he visits. If possible, keep the computer in a common
area in your home. Remind your tween to practice these basic safety
rules:
Don't get together with someone you meet online.
Don't send anything in a message you wouldn't say face to face.
Don't share passwords.
Don't share personal information online.
Don't text or chat on the phone while driving.
Talk to a parent or trusted adult if an interaction or message makes you uncomfortable.
Adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), also known as Inattentive-type ADHD, can be difficult to detect. It is a disorder that causes inattention behavior in adolescents inappropriate to their age. Unlike other forms of ADHD, Attention Deficit Disorder often does not cause disorderly behavior, so adolescents who suffer from this disorder may go unnoticed by parents and teachers.
Struggling at school alone does not indicate that an adolescent has Attention Deficit Disorder. For a therapist to consider a diagnosis of adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder, symptoms must have been present from childhood, must manifest themselves in more than one setting (e.g., school, home, or work), and must interfere with successful functioning in two or more of those settings for at least six months. For example, an adolescent who is having problems at school but is fine at home, at work, and in social situations would not be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, but might have another problem (e.g., a learning disability).
If your adolescent was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder as a youngster, the beginning of adolescence is a good time to have him reevaluated, because symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder can change during this time. The normal struggles of adolescence can be especially difficult for individuals with Attention Deficit Disorder. Though living with Attention Deficit Disorder can be challenging for adolescents and their moms and dads, adolescents with Attention Deficit Disorder can learn to deal with their challenges.
Attention Deficit Disorder sometimes gets better with age, but in some cases, the associated learning disorders do not improve, and the adolescent may develop problems with disorderly behavior or insubordination. Many adolescents with Attention Deficit Disorder, however, are able to learn to function well as young adults.
The cause of adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder is unknown. It is not caused by problems at home or school or poor parenting, though these factors may cause additional difficulties for these adolescents. Researchers currently believe the main causes for adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder are neurological imbalances and genetics. Exposure to alcohol or cigarette smoke in the womb, premature birth, or exposure to lead may increase the risk of this disorder.
Some conditions that may accompany Attention Deficit Disorder include:
Anxiety
Bipolar disorder
Conduct Disorder
Depression
Learning Disabilities
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Tourette's Syndrome
Some problems can look like Attention Deficit Disorder, which is why only a medical professional can diagnose the condition. Some things that can cause symptoms that may look like Attention Deficit Disorder include:
Anxiety
Depression
Middle ear infections that affect hearing
Recent changes or losses (e.g., a move, divorce, death, etc.)
Sleep deprivation
Undetected seizures
Gifted children may also display some of the same symptoms as Attention Deficit Disorder children (e.g., inattentiveness in class)
Other mental disorders
The professional who evaluates an adolescent for Attention Deficit Disorder can be his or her psychiatrist, a neurologist, a psychologist, or a clinical social worker. A doctor, neurologist, or psychologist can also prescribe medication, if needed. A psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker can provide counseling.
The doctor should diagnose the client by checking his or her medical records, talking to parents, teachers, and others (e.g., coaches), and if possible, by observing the child in a variety of setting and activities.
Some questions a doctor will consider are:
Are the behaviors periodic or more continuous?
How do the behaviors affect the adolescent's life at school, at home, with friends, and in extracurricular activities?
How long have they been going on?
How many symptoms are apparent?
What related problems does the adolescent have?
Researchers do not agree on the best treatment for Attention Deficit Disorder. This is because the disorder can range from being hardly noticeable to being extremely noticeable almost to the point of disruption in the classroom.
Many child and adolescent psychiatrists are quick to prescribe drugs for treatment, but many times very effective treatment can be achieved by changing the adolescent’s diet. Removing things such as sugary breakfast cereals, soft drinks, cookies, and chocolate from an adolescent’s diet can many times be as effective as prescription drugs, depending on the severity of the disorder and the willingness of the mother or father to take what many may consider “drastic measures” to remove such “staples” from their teenager’s diet.
Comments: • Anonymous said... My 8 yo Aspergers son has severe meltdowns. He is inappropriate in social settings. He has no "stranger danger" even when we talk to him. Reads like a pro in 3rd grade class but has been tested and came in as a 4 year old. Therefore the behaviors and meltdowns. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, EDD, IDD and Bipolar. We are seeing also that he is OCD when it comes to food on his plate where the different foods cannot touch. This is a hard road and hope high school will be on his horizon because of all his early intervention and his present intervention. • Anonymous said... I need help with the following issue: My 14 year old daughter flees the house every time there is a minor problem. She punches doors and is destructive at times. She leaves even when punished. If you try to restrain her it gets very physical and she loses it. • Anonymous said... Hi Mark, This article came so timely for me, it is like heaven sent, thank you. My son was recently diagnosed with ADD inattentive type by our neuro specialist. I never heard of this type of ADD & was very sceptical but after reading your article, I agree that my 16yo son may very likely has the disorder. He was in gifted classes till 3 yrs ago when his dad passed away.
The last thing that most parents consider when they are trying to come up with some form of discipline for their unruly child is “humor.” But, when used in the right way at the right time, the use of humor and playful parenting can be a clever (and sometimes startling) technique.
The most important factor in disciplining a child is the connection between child and parent. While humor is certainly not the only way to make a connection, it's probably the best way since laughter and play appeal to most children.
Use humor to defuse tension. When a youngster has pushed his parents over the edge, humor can be a safe way to regain their ground. By putting a humorous slant on behavior that still must be addressed, parents model effective ways for children to handle feelings.
Turn anger into laughter. Parents who can help an angry youngster see the humor in her position without making her feel ridiculed is showing her how to calm down. When parent and child can laugh together, they become close again.
Here are some examples of parents’ use of humor:
1. Seven-year-old Kayla and four-year-old Michael were in the middle of an argument over a toy at the end of the day when their mom was already stressed-out from a hard day at work. Mom had neither the time nor the energy to put on her coaching cap and provide a lecture about “how to share.” Instead, she grabbed a big toy block and put it on top of her head and started singing, "I am a blockhead …I am going nuts …my children are fighting …I am a block head.”
The children burst into laughter and everyone was amused. Mom's clowning around had diffused the children's arguing. Mom then sat down with the children and said, "It has been a long day. We are all tired and hungry. Let’s go fix dinner together.”
2. Five-year-old Randy ran into the kitchen crying because his older brother had just accidently knocked down his barn made of Lego’s. Immediately, Randy's mom pulled out a tablespoon and a measuring cup. "We must get to work and count these tears," she said. "Maybe we can set a record!" Then she began collecting Randy's tears, emptying them carefully into the cup. Soon Randy was laughing. After a minute or so, he had forgotten what he was crying about.
3. While at the grocery store, 4-year-old Kevin bumped his elbow and began screaming at the top of his lungs. Kevin’s dad gave him a quick hug, then pointed to Kevin’s elbow and said, “Oh, did you hurt your knee?” Kevin shifted the focus from tears to getting the right body part identified, and pretty soon he had forgotten the pain altogether.
4. As an argument between one mother and her 13-year-old daughter was heating up, the daughter rudely stated, “Kiss my butt.” The mother calmly replied, “O.K. Move your nose.” The daughter looked as stunned as a deer looking into headlights, and then she busted out with laughter – argument over!
5. One mother (a born comedian) had a list of comebacks for almost any situation. She was known for one-liners such as:
Oh bologna, I forgot my “No Whining” sign!
Not all children are annoying ...some are dead.
Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
You’ve been sniffin’ magic markers again …haven’t you?
Don’t laugh …you’ll interrupt my depression.
Not every playful approach parents try will work. Moms and dads will need to experiment in order to find their child’s “funny bone.” Also, parents need to keep in mind that there are some things that just aren’t funny. Injuries, bullying, friend drama, and plenty of other circumstances are not humorous to most parents and kids, especially not at the outset.
Down the road the parent and child may find something humorous about the situation, but tread very carefully at the start. Part of developing a sense of humor includes understanding what is not funny, and this is very much a “lead by example” situation. Just as humor can connect parents and children, misused or misapplied humor can have the opposite effect.
All children have a funny bone. They love to laugh, play, and clown around. Humor is a very effective way to get children to do the things they don’t want to do. When moms and dads use silly songs and the element of surprise, children will often comply with little fuss.
So your child is entering middle school this fall, and you are wondering how to manage the transition? The answer is, "very carefully" because his or her life is about to undergo a number of major challenges. The transition to middle school is marked by several significant (and perhaps stressful) changes:
This is a time when young teens are most likely to experiment with at-risk behaviors.
This complicated period of transition has often been associated with a decline in academic achievement, performance motivation, and self-perceptions.
The transition to middle school comes at a time when kids are also experiencing a host of other changes associated with the transition from childhood to adolescence. They are beginning to mature physically, and to think of themselves as individuals outside of their families. Their attentions turn to exercising independence and developing strong relationships with peers — while avoiding exposure and embarrassment. The atmosphere at home may become strained as both parents and kids struggle with redefining roles and relationships.
The middle school “mission” is different than it was in elementary school. In middle school, educators focus more on the child's acceptable conduct and adequate performance. As one teacher asserted, "We treat students as less delicate and more responsible here. We don't coddle them. We expect them to act more grown up."
Social, developmental, and academic experiences are affected, requiring kids to adjust to what they see as new settings, structures, and expectations.
Social cruelty gets worse. Both males and females become more socially aggressive with each other as they jostle for a place to socially belong among their independent community of peers.
It is the point at which kids begin to make pivotal decisions regarding their academic and career choices — precisely at a time when they may be distracted or turned off by academic endeavors.
In most elementary schools, kids are taught in self-contained classrooms with a familiar set of peers and one or two educators. Once children reach middle schools, however, they must interact with more peers, more educators, and with intensified expectations for both performance and personal responsibility.
Early adolescence often brings a change for the worse. Young teens start pulling away, pushing against, and getting around adult authority in order to create more freedom to grow and to live on more independent terms. Now complaints, arguments, delays, disobedience, and testing limits become part of the child’s repertoire at home and at school.
So how can parents ease the transition and help reduce the friction that comes with this difficult change? Here are 25 important tips:
1. Accompany your youngster on campus tours and orientations offered to moms and dads and incoming students. The better you understand the school layout and rules, the more you can help your youngster.
2. Avoid overreacting to grades. Making sure your youngster gets a handle on how to meet the demands of the new school is the critical factor in the early weeks.
3. Buy your youngster a lock for his locker several weeks before school starts to give him plenty of time to practice opening and closing it. Also, consider whether a combination or keyed lock is best for him.
4. Ease any loneliness in the early weeks of school by helping your youngster arrange weekend social activities with neighborhood, church, or grade school peers.
5. Talk about your child’s concerns and anxieties about moving into middle schools. Be upbeat and reassuring.
6. If the middle school has a homework hotline, make sure your youngster knows how to use it.
7. Encourage your youngster to join group conversations. Discuss how to join in without interrupting, to add something relevant to conversation in progress, etc.
8. Encourage your youngster to join sports teams, clubs, or other extracurricular activities.
9. Explore the school's Web site with your youngster. Search for announcements, schedules, and events.
10. Find out the length of the passing period between classes. Time it out for your youngster. Demonstrate how far he can walk in that amount of time.
11. Get a copy of the student handbook. Review rules and requirements — especially the school's code of conduct, which describes consequences for violations of the most important rules. Ask the school staff questions about anything that's unclear.
12. Get a copy of your youngster's class schedule and mark the location of his locker and each classroom and bathroom on the school map. Tape both of these inside his binder. If your youngster has trouble reading maps, walk the route between classes with him — more than once, if necessary — and note landmarks that he can use to navigate.
13. Get a map of the campus and take your youngster to explore. Pick a time after school in the days just before school starts. Be sure to check in with the school office to get an OK for your explorations.
14. Go to back-to-school night, open houses, parent-teacher conferences and other events where you can connect with your youngster's educators.
15. Help your youngster be his own advocate. Encourage him to discuss problems and solutions with educators on his own, but be ready to step in and help as needed.
16. Help your child with time management skills. Work together on a schedule for study time, break time, chores, etc.
17. If your youngster has an Individualized Education Program (IEP), meet with the middle school IEP team before your youngster enters the new school. Discuss the qualities of the "ideal" teacher for your youngster to help ensure the best placements.
18. Include a couple of your youngster's friends on campus treks. They can boost each other's memory about where things are when school starts.
19. Make sure your youngster has an easy-to-read wristwatch so he can quickly see if he needs to hurry to be on time to class. If he has a cell phone, make sure the time is set correctly and he is in the habit of checking it.
20. Moms and dads need to learn about young adolescents and their developmental issues and stages so that they will understand better this new and wonderful person with whom they live, and be able to interact with her in positive ways that build relationships.
21. Moms and dads should watch for signs of depression and be ready to address them.
22. Practice skills needed for difficult social situations. Talk about social skills. Discuss how words and actions can affect other people. And remind your youngster to make eye contact when speaking or listening.
23. Stay connected to your youngster's school work. Try to teach him to work more independently while supporting him enough to give him confidence.
24. Talk about traits that make a good friend (such as being a good listener).
25. Work out an organizational system with your child. Acknowledge and make allowances for his anxiety. At first, he may need to carry everything for all classes all the time in order to feel prepared.
Mom: “If you don’t stop slamming your bedroom door, you’re going to be grounded for the rest of the week – and the weekend!”
Teen: “I don’t care!!!” (SLAM)
Sound familiar?
If your teenager refuses to follow house rules, and also acts like the consequences for breaking the rules are a joke, then you (the parent) need to change your parenting approach.
There may be any number of reasons why your teenager fails to respect you, your rules, and your consequences. Does he refuse to accept the rules because he considers them unfair? In this case, the teenager's objections – and the parent's reasons – warrant further discussion. Are the rules clear? Important rules need to be put in writing.
Here are some tips for issuing consequences to teens that (supposedly) "don’t care" about consequences:
1. Be assertive without yelling or losing your temper. A willful teenager is likely to think it's funny to see you losing your cool. Disciplining your son or daughter will become a real struggle if you tend to get “bent out of shape” often.
2. Consequences should have realistic time limits (i.e., long enough to teach a lesson, but short enough to give the teenager a chance to move on to more positive things).
3. Consequences work best when they are imposed as soon as possible following an infraction of the rules. If you delay the imposition of the consequences, you're blunting their emotional impact on your teenager.
4. Hit them where it hurts! I often hear parents say, “It doesn’t matter what I take away for punishment. My child simply laughs and acts like he could care less.” If this is the case, then you haven’t found the thing your child likes most. I have NEVER known a teenager who did NOT care about EVERYTHING. Your son or daughter has something very valuable that he/she does not want to lose! Is there a prom coming up? Is he/she about to get a driver’s license? How about that birthday party at his/her best friend’s house this coming weekend? Find out what is going to “hurt” if your child stands to lose it, and you just might have the perfect consequence.
5. In order to deal with teens that don’t care what kind of consequence you issue, you must take a parental position that does not change. If you bounce around all over the landscape, you only confuse your son or daughter. He/she needs you to be a fixed point of reference. Your teenager is very aware that you are imperfect. She sees your inconsistencies, your bad habits, and your failures. Teens tend to become critical of parents who second-guess themselves. As their world expands, they know other parents who are different, who have different rules, and teach different values. However, you can take a position that maintains your authority, admits that you are imperfect, and allows for your decreasing power as the teen grows older.
6. Many moms and dads don’t distinguish between power and authority, and they assume they have absolute power. But you don’t have absolute power over the life of your teenager. If he decides to defy you, what are you willing to do? Lock him in the basement? Are you willing to call the cops? Would throwing her in Juvenile Hall solve anything? You never want to reach the point where you are in a power struggle. If your teen ever decides you are the enemy, control evaporates. Once you become the enemy, you are the problem in the mind of the teen. You may be nagging your teenager because you care, but he/she only perceives that “my mom is on my back all the time.” Thus, the real issue disappears as the teen concentrates on winning through defiance.
7. One of your major goals when issuing a consequence should be to help your teenagers think and learn. Remember that you don’t “own” your teenagers. The goal is not to own or keep them, but to help them learn to be responsible and accountable people in their own right.
8. The severity of consequences should fit the crime. Overly harsh consequences will encourage your teenager to resent the rules and your authority, which will generate more anger and rebelliousness.
9. There is great power in listening, but few parents tap into that source of power. When you really listen to your teenagers, it helps you understand where they are coming from and what they are thinking. It allows you to make better decisions when it comes to discovering which consequences will have a positive impact – and which ones won’t.
10. Ultimately, if you want your rules to be followed, you must enforce them consistently. That means not "forgetting" about them or occasionally suspending them because you feel guilty or because your teenager pressures you to do so. If you make empty threats, you're sacrificing your credibility and undermining your authority as a mother or father.
Teen: “Hey mom. I’m spending the night here at Sarah’s.”
Mother: “No you’re not. I told you to be home by 11:00 PM.”
Teen: “But her mom said it was O.K. if I stay here tonight.”
Mother: “I don’t care. I let you go over there because you promised to be home by 11:00. Now, you either come home or you’re grounded for the rest of the week!”
Teen: “Then I’m never coming home!!!” (CLICK)
Sound familiar? For moms and dads with adolescents, setting curfews can be tricky. Adolescents should have curfews because they need discipline and supervision. They're at a point in life where they are experimenting and pushing boundaries. When adolescents rebel against their curfews, moms and dads shouldn't give in.
Parents are so easily manipulated by teens when it comes to curfews. It's not just about your teen hanging out with the wrong people or you staying up late worrying where he or she is at. A curfew is about an adolescent understanding that, yes, he or she can go out and have fun, but there has to be “responsibility” alongside this privilege.
What To Do When Your Adolescent Refuses To Come Home:
1. Allow your teenagers to come home after breaking curfew without fear. Discipline is better meted out the day after. Otherwise, they might commit greater infractions out of defiance.
2. Be careful how hard and fast you make that curfew. Allow for a small buffer (perhaps 15 minutes) so that your teen does not drive faster in order to be home by curfew and avoid punishment.
3. Be fair with the amount of discipline you issue for breaking curfew. Avoid becoming radical in your disciplinary actions, as this will only confuse your teenagers and possibly cause resentment.
4. Check local ordinances on curfews. Many cities and counties have mandatory curfews in place for minors of different age groups. Use the laws in your city to help back up your decisions. If it is against the law for your teen to be out after a certain time, let him or her know.
5. Communicate clearly what the agreed upon times are through written and verbal reinforcements. Post it on the refrigerator and reinforce with a verbal reminder (e.g., "I look forward to seeing you around 10:30 tonight").
6. Discuss the consequences for breaking curfew with your spouse. It is important that any actions you take in this regard are decided together when you both have a cool head.
7. Don't wait until your youngsters are adolescents to establish a curfew. Establish the curfew when your youngsters are preteens so that, by the time they reach their teenage years, obeying a curfew has become a long established habit.
8. Execute the consequences of broken rules. When your teen is late, give her the freedom and opportunity to comment and explain. Maybe there were unplanned events (e.g., a flat tire). Try to find a solution to the problem together. If your adolescent still breaks the curfew rule, let the agreed-upon consequences fall into place. Since you and your adolescent have already discussed these consequences and set them up together (e.g., take away car keys, remove home privileges, etc.), you are not forced into the position of playing the "bad guy" or creating a discipline on the spot.
9. Have your teen call as she is leaving her friend's house or an event. The call will give you a heads-up regarding where your teen is and how long it should take for her to arrive home.
10. If your adolescent has missed curfew because drinking or drugs were involved, then the consequences are more serious. Simply enact these more serious consequences that you and your adolescent set-up together.
11. If your teen knows in advance what the consequence for breaking curfew will be, and still breaks curfew, it may be time to re-evaluate the consequence.
12. Instruct your teen to call from her cell phone or her friend's home phone as soon as she arrives at her destination. Double check the number against the number on your list or from the Caller ID.
13. Involve your adolescents in setting their nighttime boundaries. Reach an agreement together as to a curfew time that is age-appropriate. Compromise if necessary. You don't always have to be the "winner."
14. It never hurts to check on your adolescent from time to time. If your adolescent says she is going to be at the coffee shop at 5 p.m. with their friends, drop by and see for yourself. You do not have to even let your adolescent know. If she sees you, just wave and keep on walking. Teens need to know that there will be some unscheduled checking by you. If they are spending the night at a friend’s house, call and ask to speak to your teen at an unusual time.
15. Keep a list of phone numbers for all of your teen's friends. If your teen says he is going to Michael's house, make sure that is exactly where he is going. A networking system with Michael's mom or dad is essential. Call Michael's parents and confirm your son's visit. Find out who will be driving and what the teenagers will be doing. This one phone call can be the first step in preventing a dangerous situation from occurring. If the other parents are not aware of your teen's visit, chances are your adolescent is already planning to do something he shouldn't be doing.
16. Make it abundantly clear that any time your teen becomes frightened while away from home, she can always call you for help.
17. Point out to your teenagers that a curfew expresses your trust in them, not your control over them. If they are breaking curfew, they are only failing to practice freedom prudently.
18. Remember that a broken curfew is not the end of the world, nor does it mean your teenagers fundamentally don't respect you. It is only natural that your teenagers will try to test boundaries to see what consequences they can handle.
19. Remind your teenagers of their curfew before they go out at night. Don’t give them the chance to say they were unclear about the specifics of curfew or the consequences for breaking it.
20. There are times when rules must be broken. Reasons should be emergencies only. Unfortunately teenagers and moms and dads often differ in what they consider emergencies. Lay the rules down long before your teen leaves your home. Curfew can be broken without consequences in rare instances that may arise (e.g., car trouble, a visit to ER, helping a friend, etc.). In the case of an emergency, your teen should be instructed to immediately touch base with you by phone.
21. When your teen obeys his curfew and comes home on time, let him know how happy you are that he's safe and how proud you are to have such a thoughtful and trustworthy teen. Let your teenagers know how worried you get when they don't come home on time, and thank them for saving you the stress of waiting up.
"My daughter doesn't appreciate anything I do for her!" Have you ever said something like that? If so, you may need a wake-up call...
Over-indulged teenagers are not born, they are created. Moms and dads create teenagers that are over-indulged by giving them an over-abundance of what they want, but don’t need. However, it’s not always the material things that lead to over-indulgence. It may be a permissive parental approach in which the youngster is allowed to read things that are not age-appropriate. It might also be over-permissive and over-protective parenting of the youngster (e.g., doing everything for the teen in a protective manner).
Overindulging is:
a form of child neglect; it hinders teenagers from performing their needed developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons
doing or having so much of something that it does active harm, or at least prevents a youngster from developing and deprives that youngster of achieving his or her full potential
giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to meet the teenager's needs but does not, so they experience scarcity in the midst of plenty
giving teenagers things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests and talents
giving teenagers too much of what looks good, too soon, too long
the process of giving things to teenagers to meet the adult's needs, not the teen’s
Recent research finds that over-indulged teenagers were likely to grow up to become “externals” rather than “internals.” “Externals” want to become rich and super wealthy, to become famous, to achieve a unique look and have a deep need to have people comment on how attractive they are.
“Internals” want to grow and learn new things, to be able to look back on their life as meaningful and with satisfaction. They also want to share life with someone and have a committed intimate relationship. “Internals” want to work to make the world a better place and to help people in need.
Teens who are over-indulged tend to grow-up to be oppositional. This is of course frustrating for the parent, and it’s rather sad as well. Parents want their youngster to be happy, and they want what’s best for him or her, but the more parents try, the more things turn out badly because their efforts are misguided.
Amazingly, it’s counter-intuitive. The more the parent gives to the youngster, the more he or she wants and is ungrateful. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. If the parent takes a stand, usually the youngster knows, “If I get mad, my mother will give-in.” In that regard, it can be quite a challenge for the parent to finally stand firm after years of over-indulging.
Over-indulgence can be in terms of the relationship (e.g., moms and dads acting as “friends” as opposed to a parent). Also, emotionally there’s a tendency to be overly doting and emotionally intrusive with the teen. All of which tends to develop the tendency in the son or daughter to respond with anger, resentment, over-inflated self-esteem, as well as a loss of compassion for others.
The youngster grows up with a sense of entitlement. They develop this perspective not only regarding the relationship with their moms and dads, but that the world should give them all the things they want. This can lead to having problems with friendships and, later, with dating and maintaining meaningful relationships.
Moms and dads created the problem usually by having any number of irrational beliefs. For example:
in order to make the youngster happy, they must give her everything she wants
their youngster cannot be punished
they cannot implement any consequence that involves discomfort
they cannot subject their youngster to any sense of pain or discomfort
Of course, this is contrary to what happens in the real world. Teenagers need to be disciplined appropriately and learn from their misbehavior and mistakes through logical consequences. In the absence of such discipline, much of the time you will end up with a youngster who is oppositional and defiant.
Another irrational belief of moms and dads, which is targeted in treatment, is this tendency toward unconditional positive regard. Of course, such admiration and love is wonderful; however, these moms and dads will demonstrate such positive regard no matter the behavior of the youngster. Moreover, these parents see “love” as “giving” to the youngster and not carrying out discipline. These parents tend to rationalize and “look the other way” rather than discipline.
The extent of “over-indulging” a youngster is on a continuum. Most teenagers are, at times, demanding and ungrateful. If moms and dads respond accordingly, then their son or daughter can move toward appreciation and cooperation. However, if such behavior is tolerated, or “indulged,” then demanding and ungrateful tendencies can worsen.
Parents can begin a “change process” by changing their irrational beliefs, which then fuels the parent making the necessary changes in discipline of their youngster. The important thing is “balance” between “giving” and “discipline.” It’s important for moms and dads to not feel guilty for not giving their teens everything they want. In that regard, a frequently repeated motto is that “parents should give teenagers everything they need, but only a small portion of what they want.” Moms and dads need help to understand that, by giving everything, the youngster only becomes more resentful rather than grateful.
Attach good and clear thinking to your teenager’s emotions.
Counter your teenager’s manipulation where you feel guilty by simply practicing saying “I won’t get that for you, but I have a way you can earn it!”
Do not soothe your teenager’s painful emotions with gadgets and luxuries. Sooth them with your calm presence, voice and tenderness.
Hold onto your better judgment and avoid thinking, “I know I shouldn’t have done such and such…” Stop your own unhealthy sway of emotions.
Let the emotional sting of discipline happen. The emotional sting has a lesson.
More than discipline, you should guide your teenagers to make amends.
One television per household creates better family gatherings. Research indicates that teenagers who have TV’s in their room spend less time with family and friends.
Over-indulgence is an impulsive act. So, slowly contemplate how to respond to your teenager’s misbehavior, guilt trips, etc.
Parenting is not a popularity contest! Want to create a living hell for yourself? Become a buddy to your teenagers. They don’t need a friend in a parent – they need a mentor. Parent-child friendship is for later.
Take time to help your teenagers manage difficult emotional times.
Whatever the consequence, consider ¼ time off for good behavior.
Another school year is about 50% completed, and many parents have already had numerous "do-your-homework" battles!
Kids do not consciously choose to fail, but your daughter refuses to do her homework, which causes her to fail. Why is she sabotaging herself? Demanding that her educators provide you with her homework will not solve this problem. Complaining that the educators won't give you her assignments will have a negative impact on your relationships with these individuals. Her educators are likely to view you as an over-protective "helicopter parent" – and you don't want that identity!
So what can parents do when their child refuses to do homework? Here are some tips:
1. Communicate early on when homework issues arise. The earlier the problem
is addressed the more likely it is you will be able to find solutions
that work. The rest of the school year can be easier for you and your
youngster.
2. Back up your words with action. Be realistic in your expectations. Stick to your demands. However, realize you should only demand things you are willing to follow through with. It may take your youngster several days to realize that you mean business. Say, "You can choose either to do your homework or to lose privileges. You will sit here until all of your homework is done. The choice is yours." For example, you may take away watching television, listening to music, using the telephone or computer.
3. Define a work space. Although a desk is nice, younger kids may do better at the kitchen table, closer to you while you’re preparing dinner. Just make sure it’s clear of clutter, including the daily newspaper, junk mail, or any other distraction. You can also construct a “learning station.” A tri-fold cardboard such as the kind used for science project displays would do the trick. On the right side of the panel, hang a folder for pending homework. On the left side, hang a folder for completed assignments. In the middle, post a list of activities your youngster can enjoy in five-minute breaks after completing a designated amount of work. That could be five minutes of her favorite prerecorded TV show or a chance to roll around on the floor with the dog after she’s worked steadily on her spelling words for 20 minutes. Create a bar graph and post it in the center of the tri-fold learning station. Use it to illustrate to a youngster the progress he’s making on an assignment by coloring in little squares with one of the magic markers. If there are 10 math problems to do that night, make each one a square. Five colored squares later, he’ll get a sense of accomplishment and most likely make it through to the end. Once assembled, this kind of learning station can really help center a youngster who has difficulty completing homework.
4. Do a reduced number of problems. If a youngster works very slowly even while paying attention to the task at hand, he may benefit from doing fewer problems that still cover the concepts.
5. Encourage independence. Moms and dads need to fight the temptation to fill in those last remaining answers themselves just because it’s late and everybody’s tired. Never do for your youngster what your youngster can do for herself. You’re not doing yourself or your youngster any favors by doing the homework for her. She’ll only come to expect it on a regular basis, and you may come to resent your involvement.
6. Getting and staying in touch with educators is important. Send them an introductory email and don’t hesitate to express concerns as the term progresses. If you think homework assignments are too hard or even too easy for your youngster, discuss it with the teacher so adjustments can be made. Encourage your youngster to speak up in class, as well. He needs to ask questions and tell his teacher when he doesn’t understand something.
7. Help kids see how they are benefiting from the homework. Moms and dads can tell their youngster what kind of homework the assignment is. "This looks like some good skill practice" …or, "Wow, you get to explore a whole new topic tonight."
8. Help your child understand that it is okay for some things to be very hard to do. If your child says things like, “I am stupid. I can’t do math” …tell her that she is not allowed to say that any more—and gave her a list of alternatives she can say (e.g., “I am not good at math” …“I hate math” …“I have to work harder at math than anyone else in the world” …“Math is hard for me”).
9. If homework is taking way too much time to do, your youngster’s teacher may need to be involved in helping to problem-solve. Kids who struggle in school may need their homework assignments to be modified in some way.
10. If the problems are the result of absences, your youngster’s teacher may be able to set up a schedule that allows the work to be made up within a reasonable amount of time.
11. If your child is really stumped by an assignment, demystify directions by having him pretend to be the teacher and explain to you how it should be done. This role reversal often yields surprising results as the objective of an assignment suddenly becomes crystal clear.
12. Keep a positive attitude. Kids learn by watching the grown-ups around them. If you have a good attitude (e.g., excitement about the material, enthusiasm about the new skills, etc.), then your attitude will rub off on your kids.
13. Keep communication lines open. Picture a triangle with the sides representing your youngster, the teacher, and you (the parent). We’ll call this configuration a “homework alliance.” In specific terms, it’s the maintenance of good relationships between parent and youngster, parent and teacher, and youngster and teacher. Keeping these three lines of communication open will smooth the whole homework process.
14. Make homework a game. There are plenty of ways to teach various skills using games. For example:
Try following homework up with an entertaining game of Scrabble Junior
There’s no shortage of fun educational computer software available
Hand them a new set of magic markers to liven up an otherwise mundane social studies report
Geography games can help commit all those state capitals to memory
Flash cards are a reliable and fun way to reinforce sight words and multiplication tables
15. Offer options for how to complete the homework. Many creative kids can demonstrate their knowledge through posters, brochures, or presentation software, and offering these as a choice when appropriate can help resolve at least some of the issues.
16. Point out resources on the Internet or at the library and create checklists for both long- and short-term assignments.
17. Praise your youngster when homework is completed. Say, "You've been getting all of your homework done. You should feel proud of yourself."
18. Schedule time in the day for homework. It helps if everyone in the house is quiet during homework time. The television, video games, telephone, and other distractions should be minimal. Kids should not accept social calls during homework time. Moms and dads can plan time for paying bills, organizing files, folding clothes or something else that is relatively quiet. If there is no time in the day for homework, then consider dropping some extracurricular activities from your youngster’s schedule.
19. Set it to music. Research has shown that music is a great motivator. Children complete more homework with background accompaniment – and kids with ADHD show markedly better performance when they’re listening to music. Since so much of homework is rote or simply completing unfinished class work, music can help relieve the tedium, and in the case of children with ADHD, can even help them focus. But skip tunes with lyrics. It’s best to limit the child’s choices to music that’s mostly instrumental so the words won’t interfere with his/her thoughts.
20. State clearly how you expect homework to be completed. Say, "I expect you to do all of your homework every night. I will not tolerate your refusing to do your assignments."
21. Use a homework contract. This motivator is a written, signed agreement between you and your youngster that states a reward or a point toward a prize will be earned for each day that homework is brought home and completed.
22. When kids consistently have difficulty with homework, it is important to communicate this concern with your youngster’s teacher. With the teacher’s help you may be able to identify the source of the problem and figure out the best way to address it. Even though these meetings can be uncomfortable, it is best to approach them with a positive attitude while believing the problems can be solved by working together.
23. Your monitoring of homework communicates to your child an interest in what he’s learning, but don’t let homework disputes come between you and your youngster. Consider hiring a tutor if things reach an impasse.
24. Stay the course. Eventually there comes a time when children have to face up to the fact homework is just that—work to be done at home. Nobody likes it, but in reality, everybody gains something. For a teacher, homework extends instructional time. For a mother or father, it provides a window into the classroom. For a youngster, it’s an opportunity to acquire real organizational and study skills that will serve him over a lifetime. This is why it’s so important to maintain a firm, serious attitude about homework. Sure, it’s fun to mix it up with games and even rewards, but ultimately your youngster needs to know that homework has to be done well.
25. Try a number of different approaches to homework. It may take a while before you hit upon the solution that works best for your youngster. Of course, if you suspect a particular problem, always seek advice from an appropriate professional, be it a pediatrician, optometrist, school psychologist, or similar. Homework doesn’t have to be a drag for all concerned. Mix some creative problem solving with a little bit of effort, and your family will reap the benefits.
In an effort to enhance their kid's self-esteem, moms and dads often use praise to recognize the efforts and accomplishments of their kids. Of course, recognizing your kid's positive behavior is more likely to build self-esteem than dwelling on problems. But praise is not always uplifting.
Praise like “you're impressive …brilliant …amazing” can be too much for a child to believe. It is hard to accept such exaggerated praise. Have you ever noticed how uneasy you feel whenever anyone evaluates you? When someone tells you that you're “attractive” or “clever” -- all you can think about are the times you felt unsightly or did something stupid.
Kids also become uncomfortable with praise that evaluates them. They often dismiss it. Sometimes they will deliberately misbehave to prove you wrong. Instead of evaluating what your youngster has done, it is usually better to describe it. Describe in detail exactly what your youngster did. Then your youngster, hearing the description, is likely to recognize the truth and credit himself/herself.
The kind of praise a youngster can “believe” and that truly builds self-esteem comes in two parts:
the parent describes what the youngster has done (e.g., “I see you are all ready for school. You picked up your toys, put on your jacket, and even turned off the light in your bedroom”)
the youngster, after hearing his accomplishment described, praises himself/herself (e.g., “I know how to be responsible”)
Descriptive praise is harder and takes longer, but the payoff is usually greater. Descriptive praise helps kids become independent, creative thinkers and doers. They do not look to others for approval. They trust themselves and their own judgment. They have enough confidence to say to themselves, "I'm happy with what I have done." They learn to make changes or improvements based on their own evaluations.
Evaluative praise is a way of making - and keeping - kids dependent on parents. It gets children to conform to the parent's wishes. It sustains a dependence on the parent's evaluations and decisions about what is good and bad rather than helping children to begin to form their own judgments. It leads kids to measure their worth in terms of what will make parents smile and offer the positive words they crave. It leads to a dependency on approval. The evaluative praise, “You are a very helpful person,” makes the youngster dependent on the judgment of the person doing the praising. But the descriptive praise, “When you saw that Sally dropped her books, you stopped what you were doing and helped her pick them up” gives a youngster a sense of his own abilities and accomplishments.
Descriptive praise lets a youngster evaluate himself. If you want your son to focus his attention more on the impact he had on Sally, you can say something like, “Look at Sally’s face! She looks very happy because you helped her pick up the books.” You can help your youngster see how his actions affect others.
Parents should ask themselves, “Does my praise make my kids more dependent on me and my approval, or do my words help them see their strong points and give them a clear picture of their skills and accomplishments?” The goal is to help your kids get in touch with their own abilities such that they can praise themselves. The person your youngster needs to please is himself/herself.
the adult expresses appreciation for some specific contribution or effort
the youngster draws conclusions about himself/herself based on this specific statement from the adult
For a father to tell her daughter, “You're so smart” is not as effective in building self-esteem as saying “Math can be hard, but I see that you completed all your Math homework pretty quickly.” This girl can then think to herself, “I must be really smart. Dad thinks Math is hard.” These internal conclusions will be much more believable to the youngster than a father’s general value judgment of the youngster as an individual.
Evaluative comments are often unnecessary. In the long run, moms and dads can become less judgmental and controlling, and help their kids become more independent and motivated simply by acknowledging what their kids do. For example, simply pointing out an aspect of a youngster's handwriting that seems interesting (without saying that it's nice or that you liked it) will probably be enough to encourage further efforts.
For example, if your first-grader makes you a home-made birthday card, instead of saying “It's lovely,” you can describe it: “I really like your drawing of a birthday cake and the red candles on top. This card makes me feel happy!”
It takes some effort to use descriptive praise rather than evaluative praise. It takes skill to encourage children in such a way that they remain interested in what they are doing – but don't feel controlled.
Remember descriptive praise has two parts:
1. describe what you see and hear
2. describe what you feel
Name three things your youngster does that you might want to praise:
1.
2.
3.
Now, describe what your youngster does, and share your comments with him/her.
Some disciplinary techniques are more effective than others. Fortunately, today there's a great deal of scientific evidence to back up behavior modification strategies. In order for a consequence to be effective, it must be:
Unpleasant for your teenager
Not too long (teens will give up if the consequence lasts too long)
Not negotiable after the rule has been broken
Immediate
Age-appropriate
A good match for the misbehavior
Disciplinary techniques that are effective can largely be grouped into two categories: 1) taking away something that is pleasurable (e.g., your attention, an exciting environment, a fun activity, etc.), and 2) imposing something that causes discomfort (e.g., paying a fine, doing extra chores, etc.). The consequence should always fit the misbehavior.
Draft a list of “Most Important House Rules” and put an appropriate consequence next to each one. Because these are the most important rules in your house, the disciplinary techniques should be fairly stiff. Next, clearly number and write the rules and their respective consequences on a large sheet of paper. For example:
Bedtime is 11:00 P.M. Go to bed on time every night. If you don’t, you will skip your extracurricular activities the next day (or the next time you have one).
Complete and turn in homework every day. If you don’t, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with your teacher.
Go to school every day. If you skip school or leave school, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with the principal.
No putting holes in walls or windows. If you do, you will spend the next weekend fixing the holes instead of going to any social activities.
Drugs are not allowed in the house. If I think you have any, I will call the police and we will search your bedroom.
In a moment of downtime when you don't anticipate an immediate power struggle, approach your teenager and say, “I love you too much to let things go on like they have been, and it is my job to keep you safe and help you prepare for adulthood, so we are going to have some important rules. These are the basic rules in our house, and the consequences for not obeying them.”
Next, show your teenager your list. Ask if there are any questions, or if there is anything that isn't clear. Tell your teenager that the new rules are in effect immediately. Then tell her you love her, and end the conversation. Post the rules in a conspicuous place, and expect her to begin testing them right away.
Here is a list of disciplinary techniques that should be avoided, either because they are ineffective, or because they cause more harm than good:
1. Yelling: When you're yelling, you're certainly not talking with your teen, and too much yelling, or yelling that is too fierce, may cause your teen to feel angry, intimidated, resentful, or shamed. Expect yelling, tears, withdrawal, or a teen who learns to ignore you until you calm down.
2. Withholding affection: Withholding affection ties your love to your teen's behavior, and is completely opposite from the concept of unconditional love. A mother or father who withholds affection becomes cold and distant until the behavior improves, forcing the teen to (a) suffer the lack of support, and (b) become an amateur psychologist as he tries to figure out what is making you so upset. Moms and dads who withhold affection believe it will make their teenager shape up-quick. In reality, the teen will retreat, and in anger and hurt, rebel against you.
3. Traps: Laying traps for teens, to see if they'll lie, lose control, or misbehave in a seductive situation, is unfair and disrespectful. Support your teen. Plan for him to succeed – not fail.
4. Threats: Warnings are an effective disciplinary approach, but threats are not. Threats have an element of coercion, and they make a teen obey through fear or by threatening harm. The teen whose parents use threats will feel uneasy in the one place he should feel secure: his family. Teens who are threatened often get into lying or deceptive behavior. Since most threats are “empty,” they also learn not to trust what the parent says.
5. Shutting down: Shutting down and not talking to your teen about what is bothering you or him, or about his behavior, is not effective in addressing misbehavior or avoiding it in the future. Confrontation is hard. But if you talk about it, everyone feels better afterwards.
6. Shaming: These are verbal forms of humiliation, like mocking or making fun of a teen in public. Teens will live up to your expectation – good or bad – and they'll internalize your opinions of them. Keep your reinforcements positive.
7. Sarcasm: Sarcasm is a way of putting distance between you and your teen. It puts teens down, builds resentment, and it hurts. Consider what audience you are being sarcastic for. Often parents are at their most sarcastic when other parents are around—they're not really talking WITH their teenager, their talking ABOUT her. This isn't right.
8. Physical abuse: However you feel about physical discipline, there is no doubt that punching, shaking, slapping on the face or hands, beating, whipping, hair-pulling, burning, binding, or any other physical attacks on teenagers are never acceptable, no matter what the teen's misdeed or attitude, no matter how frustrated or angry you are. Teens who have suffered physical abuse spend years fighting against lowered self-respect, mental health issues, and behavioral problems. They often become part of a cycle of violence as they, too, begin to suffer from delinquency, crime, and violent patterns as both abusers and victims. If you or anybody else in your teen's life is resorting to physical abuse to handle your teen, you need to change these patterns, and to do this, you need help and support.
9. Nagging: Nagging is continuous harping about a task, a habit, or a personality trait. Nagging is a completely ineffective technique of getting a message to your teen and, while it's not particularly damaging, it does tend to damage the communication pathways between parents and teens. Say it once, then say it again strongly, and then be done with it and move on to action.
10. Humiliation: Humiliation wears down a teen's self-image and self-respect. Humiliation teaches a teen that you don't value him. Respect your teen—his body, his mind, and his ego. Never underestimate the damage that can be done by humiliating a teen. One of the most common triggers of suicide in teens and adolescents is a humiliating experience.
11. Guilt trips: Guilt is especially destructive when imposed on teens, when they're already deeply self-conscious and self-disparaging.
12. Commanding and demanding: Commands and demands are sometimes necessary for safety reasons, but they should only be used in emergencies. Commands and demands are a power-play. Instead of, “Why? Because I say so!” …try using requests. They'll go a lot further in fostering mutual respect. For teens that tend to be willful and push buttons, commands and demands will often get you exactly what you don't want: resistance when you need something done immediately. Enlist the teen's help. In most cases, a gentle request will actually save you time.
