HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

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We caught him using drugs...

Hi,

My son is 15 years old and is out of control. After we caught him using drugs in 9th grade. By the time he was in 9th grade, his grades fell etc. At that time, I asked him if he was glad he was caught, he said that he was. He even went to stay with his Aunt and cousins to get away from the influences, etc.

He came back home six months ago, and has been doing well for the most part. However, he is still acting out and has been hooking up with his old buddies again, which makes me very nervous. I started with my poker face, and have been plugging along.

When we said no to hanging out with his friend, he proceeded to destroy his room. My husband and I actually locked our bedroom door at night. We just didn't know what to think. And I went to court to file a CHINS.

This weekend he is at his Aunts house, and it is quiet, calm, and I can think. I intend to talk to him about the CHINS and explain why I did it. I want to give this program a shot. Even if we go to court, it is only to let him know that we are not afraid to call the police
if need be. It is not a scare tactic, it is a reality at this point in time. He continues to push and lie, and on it goes.

When I speak to him about the changes we are making due to this program, is when I will also bring up CHINS. Even if I use it as a parenting mistake, he will have something to think about.

I am being cautious not to be deceived by his behavior any longer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

C.

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Hi C.,

I’d say you’re right on track. Just be sure to word the warning exactly as follows: If you choose to _____________ (the poor choice goes here), you’ll choose the consequence, which is __________ (the consequence goes here). Then be sure to follow through with the stated consequence in the event he makes the poor choice.

Also, when issuing the above warning, do not provide any intensity (e.g., lecturing, threatening, getting angry, etc.). Otherwise, your son will turn it into a game (i.e., he’ll push the limits just to get another reaction out of you).

Stay tough …your son will benefit.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Mark-

Thanks for your input. What happened is when that behavior went so out of control, I went to the court and set up the hearing. Now, since it is on Tuesday, I am not sure if we can get out of it. So...............that is why I am letting him know about it. He has to go, or they will come get him.

He is such a player that he drove me to do this. I became resolved to do whatever it takes to put an end to bad behavior.

I plan to begin by talking about choices. We all make choices. I could choose to speed in my car, but the consequences are that I would get a ticket. You made a choice to destroy your bedroom. to lie to us, be sneaky, etc. These choices have consequences.

Yesterday began with a simple discussion about blue jeans. He destroyed a pair of his jeans while working. I suggested that he should not throw them out because he made need them next time he works, etc. He got defensive. Instead of blowing up, I remembered the discussion about pain. In order to be heard, I calmly said, I just don't want you to ruin another pair, since they cost money.

Afterwards, he apologized to me for getting upset.

He knows that we are changing, but he does not know the extent of it. He will know tonight. I thank you again for your time.

C.

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