ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Hi J., Please look for these arrows throughout your email: ===> Hi Mark, We are having trouble enforcing the 3 day discipline because my daughter has yet to complete it even though I keep saying that if you break the 3 day grounding, you will have to start it from day 1. She just scoffs at it and goes out whenever she wants. This has been going on all week. What can we do so that we don't end up looking stupid because she is not taking it seriously at all. ====> Say, "If you choose to walk out on your 3-day-discipline, you'll choose the consequence, which is we will call the police and file run away charges as well as go to juvenile probation and file an incorrigibility complaint." Then if she leaves, follow through with this consequence. The other issue is that we don't seem to be able to have a normal conversation anymore without her shouting or swearing. As an example, yesterday I asked her to fold the washed towels and put them in ...

Dear Mr. Hutten, My 12 year old daughter just went off the deep end and started defying, disrespecting, etc., etc. I did not know what to do, and did not turn to the internet for help. She is now in the custody of DHS, and I'm afraid I won't get her back. She has refused to talk with me or see me since she left in Sept of last year. DHS will want to decide on a permanent placement soon, and we haven't made one step toward each other this whole time. How can I convince her I've changed when she won't let me talk with her and DHS doesn't seem to be doing anything that has made a positive difference. I don't know what to do. When I saw your video, I was identifying with everything you said about my reactions to her bizarre behaviors. I am so sad, and my daughter seems to be forging a new way for herself, supported by DHS, and isn't looking back. C. in Colorado. `````````````` Hi C., You may be surprised to hear that I often get parents in my pare...

My daughter was just recently diagnosed with ODD and today she shows up at my office and she should have been at lacrosse practice and I could tell when I said I would take her to practice that she was ready to explode. I diffused the situation but I am not sure really what to do as she quits everything she starts and I dont want her to think that is okay. My daughter stated that she does not like lacrosse, sucks at it and doesnt want to play. She only did so to please her dad who is very sports oriented and pushes her to do her best. Please advise. `````````````````` If your situation is like most parents' situation, you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about Lacrosse. I'm sure sports is an important activity to her father, but I would say this one falls into the "pick your battles carefully" category. Save your time and energy for the more important issues that are likely to pop-up. You asked, Mark My Out-of-Control Child

Dear Mark, I wanted to thank-you for revising your website to better reflect the 4 sections of the program. I had asked about this a few weeks ago and was pleasantly surprised when I noticed this change today. I wanted to let you know we have completed the first section of program and are starting on section 2. Today I had the challenge of saying no and sticking to it when my son wanted me to make an exception to a consequence he was given for skipping school = (Car is parked) and dishonesty when he told me he would take my truck to the gym, only to find out he did not go to the gym at all = (Loss of cell phone). This morning he told me he hated me and that he wished I would get into a car accident on the way home from driving him to school. I was able to apply the art of removing my myself from his comments emotionally and better yet, when he called me later to ask again if he could go to his girlfriends (because he was doing better in school and really trying) I was able to say no, ...

Dear Sir, My son is very hot tempered and cannot control his behaviour when he is angry or frustrated. He tends to throw things away away or kick on the wall. He always shout and always put the blame on me. I have heard about tourette syndrome and I am not sure if his behavior is related to this problem. His father and grandfather had the same problem. Could you pls give some information about it. I am also interested in your book but am based in Mauritius. What is the easiest way to get access to your book? Thanking you in advance, M. `````````````````````````````````````` Tourette's is not usually associated with the problems you are describing. Oppositional Defiant Disorder is however. On another note, your geographical location is not a factor. This is an online program that can be accessed anywhere in the world. Mark www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Hi Mark- I have not been in touch for a while. I am still working the steps of the course but I still fall short. I almost need daily reminders of what I am supposed to be doing because its so easy to get caught up in the drama- I have to step back and think Ok what have I learned! I am doing better with sticking to what I say and not getting as emotional when he is pushing me. I am taking alot of time outs. But the bad behavior and defiance still continue just as strong from him. A few weeks ago he shoved a boy into a wall at school this resulted in a bump on this kids head- his parents called the police and are pressing assault charges. D___ was sent to alternative school. While in alternative school he got in a fight on the school bus along with some other boys and was written a ticket for disorderly conduct and assault. I have decided to send D___ to a boot camp ...its juvenile behavior modification program. i am a nervous wreck about it - but truly don't know what else to d...

"Our son is 17 and out of control, we have noticed lately his rudeness is getting worse. I fully intend to implement your methods but I am worried at the moment that he may be experimenting with drugs. I have found something in his room and have organised to have some tested. I have spoken to a few organisations and have a meeting with one this afternoon but they are so wishy washy with their advice. If we confront him, he may lose trust in us and not communicate etc. I want to take your direct approach but the feedback I get is I need to be careful with that. I know I need to find out what the substance is before I get too upset, but if I gather some more info and involve a family friend who has done counselling and run our approach by you, would you be able to advise if you think it is along with your methods? I am preparing a contract at the moment and trying to find out all the legalities within Queensland so I know my rights (as he is now threatening to be emancipated fro...

Hi, I am in the middle of session 1 and have done the parent quiz to find out that I am moderately indulgent. My question is: What to do about grandparents or other family members who wish to indulge your child? My son treated my Mother badly 3 days ago which really upset her, but she is now talking about paying for him to join scouts, which is something he wishes to do & my mother & I feel would be good for him. But I also feel that he should have to wait till he deserves a second extracurricular activity. They have not spoken to each other since the incident; therefore there have been no apologies. I was brought up to think that this would be incorrect. C. ```````````````` Hi C., As you will discover when you get a bit further in the eBook, you child should earn ALL privileges. Thus, it will be important for you to set some boundaries with other family members who may be working in the opposite direction. If possible, inform the others what your program goals are so that e...

"Assignment #1 in your program requires me to tell my daughter that I love her. I used to do this every day, but can't do it now because it's no longer true. I can't stand her. She is so rude and hateful to me. If I can't do this, is it worth me going on with the rest of the exercises – you said 'no half measures'?" Click here for my response...

"I am reading and reading your eBook , and I like it so far - makes a lot of sense - but the biggest problem for me with my teens especially the 16 year old girl is who her friends are. She has one best friend, and doesn't seem to hang around or call too many others - only one or two on the phone. But this girl is NOT one that is a positive influence in my daughter's life. While she is basically a sweet girl, she has had problems with drugs (in rehab type program) smokes (and now so does my daughter) has run away from home over night she is depressed and says she takes meds for her mood swings as well, and her parents that aren't as stable as would be preferred - and most sad is often accused by other kids of her "cheating" with my daughter's boyfriend, which kills my daughter but she always ends up believing her or at least saying so....."   MORE ... 

I've been using this program for about 4 weeks now. My 9yo DD is doing her chores with out much complaint. However she is escalating her behavior in other ways. She has broken about 5-6 things in the past month. At the rate she is going she should get her allowance back when she’s 16. Tonight she gave our poor dog a hair cut. He looks awful. She has been grounded most of the last 3 weeks. I give her lots of positive attention. We eat dinner together almost every night. I spend probably 10-15 minutes talking to her after school. She is a straight A student. For the most part she does what she’s asked to she just also does a lot of stuff she knows she’s not allowed to. She really doesn't seem to mind the consequences. How long does it take before it starts to work? Any ideas on consequences she might really hate? `````````````````` I find that when a parent is still experiencing difficulty after 4 weeks, she/he has missed a couple important pieces. Let's trouble shoot... B...

"Dear Mark, my strong-willed daughter seems to have a real hard time adjusting to the fact that if she chooses to leave the house during the 3 day grounding, the 3 days start over. On her second day of grounding she had a half-day of school but instead of coming home she went out with friends. When she came home I informed her that her three days would start over because she chose not to come right home from school. She had a HUGE fit - and preceded to trash the whole house.  She left but came back two hours later and proceeded to continue her tantrum (turning on every light in the house, demanding that I give her stuff back NOW, hitting, and throwing stuff at me). I told her if she did not stop I would call the police. Well needless to say I had to call the police and had her charged with disorderly conduct and property damage. My question is who should clean up the mess. Should I make her do it, hire a maid, or just do it myself and make her pay me? During her fit I star...

Hey Mark, We have been plugging along since M got out of the youth home 1/3/08. He is in intensive probation and meets with PO every week either @ school or @ our home. Also can't to go to counseling once per week. He is supposed to meet with the referee once per month also--more like every 6 wks though. He does have a court date May 6 for the fighting incident (btw, was charged with "robbery armed" since one on the boys picked up money off the ground that belonged to someone else. We decided to obtain the services of an atty for this, as we are fine with "assault with a weapon" or similar, but not robbery armed, which also is not dropped when an adult. This is his last assistance, as he was 16 at the time--[now 17 and considered an adult in MI] and we can feel good knowing we gave him every opportunity to try to turn his life around). He has not missed school (was late 2x I believe about 10minutes) and is now pulling 5 A's and 1 B+. Has a girlfri...

"Our son is refusing to go on vacation with us (me, my wife, two other teenage boys). We have planned this for some time now. He says we can't make him go - he wants to spend the week with his friend (who is a bad influence). What can we do? I'm worried he will come up missing on the day of departure." Click here for my response...

Hi Mark, I wanted to thank you for the programme that you have set out and the positive results we are having. I am finding that the "make them earn everything" is working very well. In the assignment for session 4 you recommend ignoring bad behaviours etc. Our child has always been one to want attention any way he can get it. I guess he has been getting it for negative reasons in the past. We have been ignoring these behaviours - the annoying, the disrespect, the swearing etc etc. Can you help me understand how long we have to ignore these behaviours before they start to die - the desire for the child to keep doing these behaviours lessons? We have been ignoring behavours for 5 weeks now and still he persists!!! It is like he realises he is not getting the attention he so much wants and so tries even harder to get our attention!! Some days it is very difficult to keep ignoring it!! Our teenager also loves forming habits, which are not positive. He forms these hab...

Dear Mark................my wife and I continue to refer to your notes over and over again. We are making progress with our 14 year old son. He has been more compliant lately. My wife and I are being transformed in the process as well. We hardly ever nag about chores or homework, etc. We are less confrontational. We have been encouraging each other as well as our son. We are more graceful and listen better. Our struggle is not yet over. Our son is in the 8th grade and his grades have dropped significantly. He received (2) Ds and (1) F on the last report card a few weeks ago. The consequences were loss of his cell phone privilege Monday - Friday afternoon and loss of privilege to have friends over or go out with friends on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings. He can participate in our church teen midweek service which is mostly a fellowship activity. Our son has accepted these consequences; however, there has been no noticeable improvement in his grades and we are holding him total...

Mothers are twice as likely to physically hurt kids, government study finds. Murdered woman’s husband: 911 botched call Neighbor saves three after plane hits house A killer's 26-year-old secret may set inmate free Govt. acknowledges accidents at virus lab The bottom line on Iraq Most viewed on msnbc.com Forecast: Big quake likely in California We're looking for the cutest puppies! McCain calls for a summer 'gas-tax holiday' Pope expresses shame over priest sex abuse Losing the ‘matronly look’ of menopause Most viewed on msnbc.com Children in some Army families are vulnerable to abuse and neglect by their mothers when their fathers are away at war in Iraq and Afghanistan, a large Pentagon-funded study finds. Mothers were three times more likely to have a substantiated report of child mistreatment when their soldier husbands were deployed than when the fathers were home, accord...

Mark - We are studying your web presence and it has helped reduced our level of "freak-out" with our 16 year-old, "out-of-house," but still near-by daughter. Carla Online Parent Support

Thank you, your book is great and it's helping us with our 10 year old son. One thing I need to know. Our son holds on to his number 2 for weeks because he's afraid of going to the bathroom. How do we handle that? A. ```````````````````` Hi A., Children fear elimination for a variety of reasons. For example: Some kids don’t like the splash... Some see the toilet as a trap and they are afraid they will fall in or that something will pop out of there and get the... get them a smaller seat to go on top of the adult seat It’s scary to be sitting on a throne in the middle of a room doing something so private... Some kids say it’s like a part of them is falling off... Sometimes it’s because their feet can't rest on the floor (ever try to poop with your feet off the floor?)... get them a stool Some kids don’t like the bathroom because the toilet seat is cold... get seat liners / covers In some cases, they simply have stage fright (you're staring at him, waiting, waiting, ...

"My 14 (almost 15) yr. old son is dating a 17 yr. girl. Just about the time he started seeing her, my almost 17 yr. son came to me because he felt his brother was showing signs of depression. The oldest son is very mature, kind, very religious, and sensitive towards others, particularly his brothers. He showed me how to access his brother's instant messaging e-mails. I was then able to get into my son's head (he's not very talkative) and find out what is going on with his girlfriend because I had some concerns about their relationship. Also in his e-mails, he told his friends that he was very sad but didn't know why and that he doesn't believe in God. I kept on eye on it and didn't see anything more in the e-mail about him being sad nor did I notice him looking down until I grounded him. The younger one has had his moments of bad moods over the years, and with the combination of hormones and having a girlfriend in the picture, I decided to monitor it.....

Hi Mark, The things that I’ve read about kids and school are great when the kids are trying or want to try, what if they refuse to do anything in school? My son gets straight F's across the board. No matter how hard the school seems to try he just won't do traditional schoolwork. Do you have any ideas? Thanks, D. ```````````````` Hi D., Please refer to the section of the eBook entitled Emails Form Exasperated Parents [Session #4 – Online Version]. When you get to that page, look for where it reads: "My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R. Mark Online Parent Support

"Thanks…finally hope at the end of the tunnel, but need some help on dealing with a son who is also depressed. Should I change anything about the program , or just try to follow the first week and see what happens?" Click here for my response...

Hi Mark, Thanks again for your speedy reply, sorry I did not get back to you yesterday. Things have been moving fast around here in a most unexpected way. Thank you for the advise for both our Sons. J___, the angry child, is responding wonderfully to our new methods. No arguments, very loving and receptive. He will be thrilled with our Plans to move into the driving phase. He won't hear about them until he finishes his Project, which will end his grounding. At this point we will start anew. He has accepted our terms of use on the computer with the understanding that any abuse will result in a 3-day ban. He came home from school yesterday in a pissy mood, I would normally try to find out what was bothering him, but I just asked about his day and went on like nothing was wrong and he pulled himself out of the mood and the rest of the evening was great. P___ on the other hand is the one not adjusting too well. Of course he is the one who after our apology, felt no apology w...

Elwood, Indiana— Wednesday, April 09, 2008 From a very disturbed parent: What’s with 9 people being killed in a week up there? Doesn’t sound like the safest place to be. I wondered if that would make state or national news. NO, it is very crazy around here right now. Some of the shootings have been gang-related…others drug-related. There were actually six shootings in just two days last week…several of which occurred right during the day not far from my office! We have a HUGE gang problem here. A gang unit was established with the police dept last summer and just recently our probation dept. started a gang program where the court is identifying dangerous kids (gang) and putting them in this intensive program. There were about 200 threats received in the past week that some of the local schools are going to be targeted today. I’ve already had calls from parents saying they are not sending their kids to school today. The newspapers say none of the shootings are related, but...

Recently my husband and I started your program. We started the program because of the problem of constant In School Suspension for my 13 yr old son. He is defiant. His last time in ISS was because of chewing gum in Music class. He was told to spit it out and then was later seen with gum again. He spent 3 days in ISS. Yesterday he somehow exploded his milk at lunch and wet himself and his food. This resulted in him loosing lunch, it was not replaced at school, and the school gave him one week in the back of the lunchroom by himself. 2-3 hours later my husband was able to take him dry clothes. I try very hard to support the school in order to show my son my support for their decisions. However, I find some of the consequences from the school as excessive. Am I wrong and just being over protective? What sort of punishment should I do at home for his trouble in school? The school is threatening to send him to a behavior school that even they think may do more har...

Mark, I've been browsing through your website in particular "Help for Struggling Teens". I have in the past looked at wilderness camps in Canada and also a military academy in Canada (with him having a juvenile record would prevent him from traveling to the U.S). I'm not sure if these would be options for Jordan after he is released from the young offenders centre. He does receive help there as well. Would a private facility or a government run residential or wilderness be beneficial to him after he is released (which is May 30). A government run facility would be accessed through Children and Family Services (this was something the judge had ordered they be involved prior to his release for further assessment and treatment). When I contacted them a month ago I got the impression they aren't too willing to be involved. We did speak to J___ about this possibly happening this weekend when we saw him. We told him his behaviours have to change. Do you know of...

We are considering boarding schools. Do you know or can you recommend a school that could help and may be able to work with me concerning finances? My financial situation does not allow me to apply for loans or credit cards. Thank you. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Here are some important considerations when looking at the boarding school option: You can eliminate some of the hundreds of choices by determining the factors that are most important to you and your child. Your child should be an integral part of this decision making process. Some of those factors are: · Climate and environment ? Just must have a beach? Horses? Skiing? Summer year around? Four seasons? A place of solitude or urban sites and sounds? · Co-ed or single sex? · Cost? Your allowance may not cover all the expenses. Most expenses will be paid if you are eligible for an away from post (boarding) education allowance, ho...

Dear Mark. My daughter is using your advice and is very happy and has gained a new confidence already. It is a great relief for all of us. My daughter J___ today called me down (she lives close by) because of a problem associated with her daughter (my grand-daughter). The grand-daughter refused to do as she was told and so J___, as a punishment, took her computer from her. Which was OK but then the problem-daughter B___ started bullying her little sister, taking her venom out on her. That's when J___ called me down because some violence erupted as a result of J___ trying to keep the younger sister out of it all. B___ is 13 years old. She is adopted and her step-father will have nothing to do with her. In fact the step-father is prepared to show hatred if the opportunity arises. So B___ has had a bad time in her youth and we have all been trying to help her because our sympathy is with her. Still, she cannot keep getting out of control. What do you suggest about B___ bullying her yo...

Hi Mark, I found your website in my search for guidance on handling rage-filled, rebellious teens. I am sure I'm not in a unique situation, (though it feels like it) and wondered if your information would help when it's a divided home setting. To make a long story somewhat shorter, my husband got custody of his 4 children when his youngest was 3. Their mother walked out on them. I married him when she was 5, and was mother to all of the kids. The 2 oldest refused to see their bio mom (at about ages 13 and 14 - she mentally and physically abused them, alcoholic, addicted to prescriptions due to a back injury, you get the picture). The middle child saw bio-mom about 40 days a year (per parenting agreement) until she was 13 then refused to see her (drunk, bringing strange men over, etc.). Our youngest, out of all the children though, has steadfastly seen bio-mom, and 2 years ago wanted to start living there 1/2 time and with us 1/2 time when she was 11. She is now 13. Sh...