HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for returning my e-mail.

Regarding my previous e-mail about my son going off his medications, he is taking .5 mg risperidone in the morning and 2 mg at bedtime. A well he takes 2 mg of Adderall in the morning. If he still wants to go off of it, would this be a good idea. He said when he comes home he would like to try taking a natural supplement, called "Empower Plus" by Truehope. I'm not sure he has the responsibility yet to work with their counsellors online to do this. I know of this product from two other people who have OCD and bipolar and it has helped them immensely.

I've done the first assignment at this point. To give a little background for this question, J was moved from the Young Offenders Centre to a group home which is still part of the Young Offenders to complete his sentence until May 30. On Saturday we received a call from the group home stating that J was returned to the Young Offenders Centre on a disciplinary bounce for up to 15 days for smoking a marijuana joint while he was out on his 15 minute walk. They told me his eyes were glassy and bloodshot and his hoodie smelled strongly of mariuana. Of course, he denied it and made a big fuss...got angry, cried, denied, you have no proof. He was given the choice of them escorting him or the police and he agreed to have them escort him. He called us last night, and still denied that this happened, but that in fact he had bought a joint and had smoked it before but not that time. I said to him, consider you made a mistake and you slipped, learn from it and if you get to go back think about how you would do it differently. He said he definitely wants to go back to AADAC and see a counsellor to help prevent him from slipping. The thing that bugs me, he still isn't taking responsibility for his choice and lying about it. I have no reason to believe that the workers at the group home would lie. He's telling only a half truth. I also told him that it doesn't matter if it was this time or another time the responsibility for your decision is yours. I got the "ya but". How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth. He seems to have a warped perception of circumstances and not only this time. He says things that he feels others want to hear, but I'm not sure he really wants to follow through (that's by his actions)

Also, now that I have started the assignments, I'm trying to use some of the tools and saying things differently. Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home. When he is at the group home, if he's earned it he can go out on a pass with us. He told me on the phone last week that he found it difficult to talk to me because I was acting wierd. I find our situation a little different because he's not at home right now.

The group home staff have suggested to us last week that maybe J won't be ready to come home on May 30 to serve his community supervison at home and we need to have a discussion about that with him. (the judge ordered that children services be involved and find a home for him once his custody is finished). The reason for this is his not willing to follow their rules around the smoking and our rules. He can have permission from us and we've continuously said no. I get the I'm really stressed and smoking is a way to cope and you won't give me that. Its and addiction and I don't understand that. This has been a battle (on the phone) sometimes with him hanging up. I keep telling him the answer is still "no". What I’ve said to J is maybe you won't be ready to come home. He has stated a few times he's coming home on May 30 and I'll say maybe you won't be ready. I'm struggling with this because we do love him, however we cannot not live like we were again. I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

Thanks for you help.

E.

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Hi E.,

Re: How is the best way to handle his lie and encourage him to tell the truth?

Don’t “encourage,” simply issue a consequence whenever he’s caught in a lie.

Re: Should I tell him that I'm changing things (some of your suggestions is what we had already tried) now while he's not at home?

Yes.

Re: I haven't gone into any detail with him. I find it difficult to express myself with him on this as I don't want him to feel we don't want him.

You’re attempting to save him from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices. This is a form of over-indulgence.

I don’t think it’s fair to keep him in the dark. Put it out on the table and be totally honest with him about what’s going on, and preface your “details” by telling him that he is loved unconditionally regardless of how he behaves -- now and forever.

Mark

Online Parent Support

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