HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

Mother Calls Police on Daughter

Hi Mark,

Thought I was doing great! However Y___ got very angry about me taking her phone when she was keeping her sister and me awake… I was calm and said she could have it in the morning but on following me downstairs hurled verbal abuse etc when I wouldn't give phone back …eventually when other daughter started screaming at both of us Y___ threatened me and took out pair of scissors and hit me and thumped me, I replied that if she hit me again I would call the police, ultimately I had to. She disappeared and the police have charged her with assault. I kept a poker face and kept saying "I’m not arguing" …my x is aghast at me for calling police and wants me to retract. I’m not. I guess in hindsight what I didn’t do is give her enough warning before taking phone. Didn’t want to call police but she seems to loose control …how can I alleviate this …I tried to be clear …I was VERY CALM COOL AND COLLECTED, which she didn't like.


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Things do seem to get worse before they get better. But you're on track. I can see you are working the program. Thanks for being a good student.

Re: … how can I alleviate this?

Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [online version – session #3].

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, I had this experience a couple years ago with my daughter when she physically attacked me and I did follow through and she spent a night in juvie. It worked out to be more of a hassle for me than anything. Further, I have filed unruly child papers against her twice since then for not coming home (for 2 days once!) and for other incorrigible behavior. The last time I went to file the report (I was told it would take about 5 times for them to do anything), the officer told me not to bother - that she's not bad enough and I should be grateful she's not doing worse. She's staying out all night (this has only happened a couple times), smoking pot (daily she confessed to her doctor) and drinking alcohol. She is not stealing or doing anything violent as far as I know.

I have put off her driver's license until spring and am threatening her that she will not be able to go on her summer 7-week program, but she knows that's a bluff. The program will be excellent experience for her, look good on a resume and really, I am so looking forward to 7 weeks without her and no worries. That may sound terrible, but I really need the break.

What can you suggest as a consequence instead of the police? The driver's license is not immediate enough. I am also considering getting urine drug tests, but if it turns up positive all I'd end up doing is grounding her. She did have one 3-day grounding with extra chores and I was pleasantly surprised with how well she did. We also went shopping Saturday afternoon and I treated her to a pink hoodie. She was thrilled and we had a really good time - a first! As much as I'd like to give her an allowance, I'm afraid it would go toward drugs and I really can't afford it - I'm struggling every month to pay the bills.

Anonymous said...

I have been to the police and she was charged with domestic violence and spent a night in juvie a couple years ago. It blew up in my face. Did not teach her anything except her mother won't back her up (according to her - she throws that in my face all the time - cannot take responsibility for her actions - cannot see that if she did not attack me, she wouldn't have gone). I have been to the police a few times since then for unruly behavior. The last time, they didn't even want to accept the report because she's not 'bad enough.' The officer told me I should be glad she's only smoking pot and that she's not doing worse. He told me if I insisted on filing the report, they would accept it, but they would not act on it until several more reports have been filed. The last time I filed a report, it took them 3 months to contact me to see if I was still having issues. When they called, she was away at overnight camp. So, I don't feel I have the backing of the police. We live in a suburb of Cleveland and when she went to juvie, she did go downtown with all the hardened criminals. The officers told me I should not do that again to her - these are the police telling me this - they said she's not bad enough to be put with that crowd.

So, last night she refused to go to her night class and went out with her friends and came home high again. She actually told me she was going to 'kick back with her friends and smoke a big fat joint.' She was proudly stoned eating an ice cream cone when I came home from picking my son up at 8:30. She had been gone from about 4:45 to 8:30. This morning as she left for school, she had a big overnight bag with her and she said she wouldn't be coming home this weekend. I told her she's not welcome in the house until her behavior improves and she stops smoking weed, which she said she won't do because she's having too much fun getting high. I don't know what to do. I cannot afford one of those boot camps - I checked into one on your website - Diamond Ranch - $60K. I have the police, my mother, my fiance and my aunt (who is a principal and had a delinquent child herself) all telling me not to involve the authorities. But, I don't know what else to do. We turned off her phone and shut down her computer. I'm thinking about putting a lock on her door and just bringing down a bunch of clothing, etc for her to wear and she can sleep in the spare room.

I have been remaining calm and keeping my poker face, which is enraging her and getting the exact result you say it will. You say things will get worse before they get better. This morning she threw a bottle of perfume at me and threatened me with a razor (eyebrow trimmer blade). I don't know how much worse I can take.

Anonymous said...

I do have the report I didn't file and I typed up a new report this morning detailing the past few days including this morning. I plan to go over to the station after work today and insist they be filed. I cannot let this behavior continue - it is wreaking havoc on my health (literally) and my son and fiance are miserable and should not have to live like that. Thank you.

PS I have to say I am getting a kick out of her reactions when I'm keeping calm - she's yelling her head off and I'm just giving her this pathetic look. 'I hope you die in a hole' was not fun to hear, however.

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