HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

Re: Children Adjusting To Mom's New Parenting

Hi K.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:


Hi Mark,

I love your program and have started using it on my 2 boys aged 5 and 8.

I have learnt that I am a severely overindulgent mother, a bit of a shock to the system.

I have started the poker face and staying extremely calm, a thing I use to do and yes back then my children where well behaved.

LOL

My 8 yr old son is a gifted child. I have problems with his inability to accept that others cant do things the way he can.

He constantly puts down his little brother, is rude to others, defiant and extremely competitive. I believe that this shows low self-esteem.

I have started the chores with lots of refusal, so he has lost the things he loves.

Yes things have got a lot worse, as you mentioned they could but now he is crying and all emotional when things go wrong, instead of blaming others and abusing people.

I wonder is this a new way of trying to get me to back off and change my mind.???????

== > Partially …mostly he’s confused about your different parenting …this is his way of adjusting.

Prior to this we had a huge outbreak of throwing and hitting things which isn’t his usual way of dealing with things. Normally he would be extremely abusive and defiant. Amazingly enough I stayed calm and waited it out …. acombined time of over 6 hrs of hysteria in 2 days.

Quite proud of myself.

He is shocked that I am no longer arguing or repeating myself and the louder he gets the quieter my voice becomes.

My 5 yr old has got into a habit of bad language and hitting when things don’t go his way, probably because his brother is very good verbally and that’s his way of equaling things.

I started with the 24hrs of losing things, then went to 48hrs …this was then started again because of hitting and kicking… so 5 days in all.

Is this 2 long for a 5yr old ????

== > Close, but not quite. 7 days would be too long.

My 5yr old loves the thought of “I have EARNT something,” he’s very impressed by it.

Both my boys are extremely well behaved at kinder & school, it’s just with ME.

== > Children don’t mind showing their “ugly side” (as I call it) to the person they trust the most. This would be you. They can behave poorly in front of you because they are comfortable with you.

PS I have always been very involved in their lives and had always done what was in week 1 activities.

I do play a lot with my children… Do you think taking my time (e.g., playing games) away from them when they haven’t been respectful towards me is to tough a consequence ??? Doing this would upset them greatly.

== > It is a tough consequence – perhaps the toughest. But that’s o.k. Playing games with mom is a privilege – not a right.

I would appreciate your thoughts about the emotional way my 8yr old is reacting and you thoughts on the time with my 5 yr old.

== > I think the best thing I need to say at this point is for you to slow down a bit. I want to do what is in your family’s best interest. Thus, the best advice I can give you at this point - since you just got started with the program - is to simply work through the four-week sessions. Only do one session per week – nothing more! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly, it will backfire.

I’m not trying to avoid answering questions. However, since most of the problems you talked about in your email will be addressed directly in the eBook (mostly in the Online Version), and since the program is designed to take baby-steps toward change, I would encourage you to resist your impulse to leap through the program in search of the “magic bullet.” Instead, enjoy the process of working through each session – one session at a time. The results you so desperately desire will come independent of your striving for them. Patience is “key” right now.

Rest assured, you WILL get the answers you need to be successful with this program, but when the timing is right. I would like to save you from rushing into things, and then failing. Is this O.K.?

Your oldest son is 8-years-old. It has taken 8 years for the problems to get to this point. So it is going to take at least a few weeks to get the problems reversed.

We must implement change gradually because change is tough. People don’t like change, and kids will totally reject parenting changes if they occur too fast. (This isn’t to say that you won’t notice any improvements in your child’s behavior fairly quickly though.)

As you work through the program, email me as needed for clarification about the strategies outlined in the eBook. Then after the four-week program - after you have digested most of the material - email me again with a specific question regarding any parent-child difficulty you may still be struggling with.

Thank you for being patient with the process. The reward will be well worth the effort.

Mark

P.S. Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos [online version of the eBook].


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