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Hi Mark, Another question from Australia (I have SO many questions)! M__ and I are in the process of starting up some chores and allowing A__ to earn some money from the non-mandatory ones. We thought we'd have a rule where the mandatory ones had to be done first and then there would be the capacity to earn money from other chores. If the mandatory ones are not done, then there is no pocket money for the week. Is this OK? Can we put a caveat on her spending like no lollies, fizzy drinks or junk food-her behavior is so much worse if she has these things-she can buy books, toys clothes or save some for example? More ...

Dear Mark. On trying your technique for my granddaughter B__, my daughter found some good responses - as I previously mentioned. However, after a couple of weeks B__ got worse, far worse. Now she simply takes off and we don’t hear from her for days. Although only 14 she gets around seemingly without money. My daughter has taken all her clothes from her so she cannot go out, but even then B__ finds something and clears out. She has become more violent with her mother. Currently, B__ has been at large for two days with only the bare clothes she was in and without money. We have had the police looking for her on the previous occasion and probably will have to do the same again. My daughter took B__ to the police station where B__ was given a real dressing-down, but she refused to look the officer in the eye and during the time she turned and said to her mother, “I f.....-well hate you.” I understand that this type of behaviour is becoming frequent around Australia, especially with y...

Hi S., == > I’ve responded throughout your email. Dear Mark First off, thank-you for your ongoing support. In reading the letters you get from parents, it is amazing to me that you respond to each individual question. It is clear that you really believe in what you are doing. You told me to toughen up lately and I have…believe me. Our situation is that our son has had his car taken away due to skipping classes at school and most recently his cell phone was canceled, as we currently pay for it and his bills have doubled the last few months. He has become desperate when he wants to do something and does not have access to a car or cell phone. (You know, the Boredom thing). He does not have a job so has to do chores for money and that is a struggle. Question: How do I respond to my son when I tell him no to making an exception to a consequence and he calls me a dumb bitch, and “am I not embarrassed to be the stupidest person alive” ect.......? I currently put on m...

Hi Mark,  We seemed to be moving along ok (not great) in the last few weeks. About 3 Saturdays ago, my daughter went out (with permission) but never came home until 7 am the next morning. She was not contactable on the phone (claims her mobile phone battery was dead) and we had no idea where she was. We called her boyfriend, George, and even he didn't know her whereabouts.   I believe they had a fight and this is usually how these incidents start. She was grounded for 3 days, which didn't work because she refuses to comply with the grounding. It ends up being a joke because whenever we say that it will start from day 1 if it is not adhered to, she just scoffs at us. We then took away all her clothes and make up but she started coming in and taking my stuff. I tried to put away as much as I could so she started getting things from her friends. Last night (Saturday) she was at her boyfriend's house. His father has told her not to come there so he rang me as so...

Hello again Mark, Things are going significantly better... We have been trying your 3-part mantra: poker face, repeat the rule/plan/consequence, no emotion. Not always successfully, but better every day. I'm still very much grieving the child I will never have and would welcome ideas about how to move through this. But, my bigger question for today is, what is the outlook for teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder as they move into adulthood? I'm especially concerned that my son is in for a life of turbulent and broken relationships and will likely have trouble holding a job. I guess I do have another question. Upon receiving his grade card today for the end of his sophomore year, our son declared that he is not a good match for public school and that he will not be going to school in the fall (reminder that his IQ is in the 140s, he scored 32 on the ACT as a sophomore but also has ADD and dysgraphia). Could it be that in his case he really isn't ever going to ...

Hi Mark,  We've been following your programme for the last 4 weeks and things are improving. Thank you. Our son still has days where he refuses to get up and go to school. We implement the discipline by cutting of his cell phone, no TV or computer for three days. However he still goes to his girl friend who lives 3 mins walk from us (after school). By saying he cannot go out, is this correct, or is it like the dishes being broken in the sink scenario? (More consequences on top on the 3 day discipline.) Also can he earn back his privilege of going out on sat night?  We are on track so I don't want to rock the boat and start bending the rules.  Thanks for your guidance.  Regards,  L. ``````````````````````````````````````` Hi L., Re: By saying he cannot go out, is this correct, or is it like the dishes being broken in the sink scenario? The clock starts over whenever a child (a) repeats the original offense (e.g., returns home after a curfew time...

My daughter is 13 years old. Her father and I are divorced, we are doing our best to co-parent but it is very difficult. She lives with her father. I miss my little girl! She is disrespectful to me and her father, uses vulgar language, she makes the "plans" for the weekend. When I tell her we are going to go do something she always says she can't because she has plans with her friends. I have lost all control of her and she runs the show. How can we, her parents, regain the respect? We want to be good parents but we have had that taken away from us by a 13 year old girl. Please contact me. Thank-You for your time, S.T. ``````````````` Hi S., I really want to do whatever will be in your best interest. Thus, the best advice I can give you at this point (since you just joined yesterday) is to simply work through the four-week program. Only do one session per week – nothing more! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly, it will backfire. I’...

Hi Mark,  I wanted to get some final advice from you relative to my soon to be 18 year old son. Your website advise was great and the personality traits you explain have been dead on. I think we learned this a bit late in the game though.  We are at the point where it is highly unlikely that he will graduate. He continues to say he will be able to graduate but continues to go out with friends at night rather than focus on school. We have not planned for any grad events and I do admit to feeling guilty as this should be such a wonderful time of his life.  ==> MORE ...

PARENT: "Hi Mark-me again from Australia. I have a question about consequences. Anna has been particularly difficult of late and has received two consequences for disrespect and rudeness. I took her favourite toy away for 3 days and then her portable DVD player for 3 days. The rudeness has continued and after giving her another warning yesterday (she'd been telling me to shut-up when I was talking to her). I told her if she continued, she couldn't go and stay at her Nanna's for the weekend as had been planned. She became very upset (sobbing and yelling) and asked me to change the consequence but I said no. The problem I have is that I feel like her Nanna will miss out on seeing her and perhaps I should have thought of something else. My husband wasn't home and he is cross 'cause it's his mother! Can she earn back the right to go or do I have to carry this through? Thanks L." ````````````````````````````````  Great question.  Answer: You must carry th...

"We are at a loss as to what to do with our son. He refused to go to school in 8th grade. Too much to that story to even begin to tell. Now at the end of 10th grade he is doing the same thing. He is passing right now. He wants expensive things …says things like if you lease an expensive car I'll go to school. Embarrassed by us, we don't have enough money, big screen tv and such. We froze his cell phone and took away the computer hoping to motivate him. He said he was going to go to school tomorrow, but now that we did that … forget it. He says he hates us and is going to get a full time job and never go back to school. We explained there is not a big job market for newly 16 year old high school drop outs. Please help ASAP the last days of school are ticking away, with the first final tomorrow. The rest of the finals to start June 12. Thank You, S.N." `````````````````````` Hi S., Sometimes teens who were previously able to attend school regula...

Recently I became the recipient of a $720 phone bill, courtesy of my 15 year old daughter, A___. After confronting A___ about her phone usage I asked her to give me her phone. She refused and a short while later left the house, presumably to gather her wits. A short while later my wife noticed my car was missing. My daughter had taken my car! My daughter does not have a driver's permit or insurance. A short time later my daughter called us from her friend's house, about 5 miles away. She was safe, and so was the car. In the meantime we had called the police. We knew she had to face consequences for her actions. The police officer explained that we had several choices on how to proceed with a juvenile (after bringing her home): 1. Do nothing (leaving the consequences up to us as parents) 2. Write her tickets for Driving Without a License, Driving without Insurance, Car Theft, and Breech of Trust. I would have to pay those tickets. 3. Write her tickets and...

Mark, First of all, thank you for the phone conversation last week, regarding our son J___ coming home this Friday from "Juvie". One question I meant to ask you was, do we implement one session per week or all at once? My thought is there needs to be strong expectations (which we did do with him last week in person) right from the start. How would be the best way to do this? We have let him know how consequences will work. I am somewhat nervous or anxious about him coming home since it has been 4 months. Part of my anxiousness is that if he messes up and doesn't follow his conditions, there is no going to court and waiting - he would have a warrant and would go back immediately and then they would decide if he gets a second chance or serve out the rest of his time or more depending on what the breach of his condition is. (I know I need to separate myself somewhat emotionally and it’s hard.) We have told him our home cannot be the way it was before and he doesn...