You Are Not Your Teenager's "Buddy"

Mark …I have a simple question: I try to be my daughter’s friend, because her father is not involved at all in her life. Is this good or bad? Signed, Single Mom
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I regularly see a lot of evidence that today’s teens are trying to act older while today’s parents are trying to act younger. So you've got kids trying to be adults, and adults trying to be kids. It makes for a weird dynamic – and confuses the teenager as to who's the role model.

In those cases where the parent is a ‘buddy,’ the parent-child relationship tends to be a love-hate relationship.

I understand that the family unit itself has changed (e.g., more single parents, gay parents, parents who are dating, etc.). And I also know it’s hard for the single parent to be both a “friend” and a “disciplinarian.” But you have to pick one or the other – and your pick should be the one who employs “tough love.”

“Tough love” has 2 components though: (1) the tough part and (2) the nurturing part. It’s very possible to provide a steady diet of ‘tough’ and still have plenty of moments for ‘love’ (i.e., moments where you and your teenager are emotionally close, united and bonded).

In any event, you are not a buddy! She has other buddies, but she has only one parent – you. If she really needs an “adult” buddy, hook her up with an aunt, a Big Sister (from Big Brothers/Big Sisters Org.), or one of your trusted female adult friends.



 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Daughter Refuses to Take Meds for Depression

"How do you get a teen to go back to the dr and stay on meds for depression? She is 18 and we went to the psychiatrist one time and she refuses to go back. He won't prescribe without seeing her again. All she does is cry and then tell me she hates me. I am her punching bag. I get called every name in the book. Her dad used to abuse her so I know she has baggage but I can't live this way anymore :(   ...I took away her car last night because she blew curfew by 3 hours. Then she tells me she won't be able to get to school. I almost made my life worse by punishing her!"


Unfortunately, you can't get her to take her meds! Do yourself a big favor and get out of the business of playing psychiatrist. The more you take responsibility for your daughter's mental health, the less responsibility she will take.

The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your daughter's mental health. No more nagging about taking meds. No more asking her to make and keep a doctor’s appointment. This problem belongs to your daughter.

When you give up ownership, your daughter will have to make a choice - she'll have to decide if she will or will not accept ownership of her treatment for depression. And she'll lose the power of pushing your mental health buttons, to frustrate and worry you.

Out-of-control teens intentionally refuse to take their meds (for ADHD, Bipolar, depression, etc.) to push their parents’ buttons. Often parents are in a never-ending cycle of their teen’s sabotage. Since parents are continuously telling their kids how important it is to get to the doctor, to get on some form of medication, and take it regularly - their teens use this information to anger them.

The more parents try, the less out-of-control teens comply. When you take less responsibility for this issue, you put the ball back in her court.

Get rid of the fear that your daughter is going to end up killing herself due to depression. I’m not saying you should take ‘threats of suicide’ with a grain of salt however.

==> Is your teenager chronically angry, depressed, and moody? Then here are a bunch of parenting strategies to assist you, the parent...


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

"Machiavellian" Behavior in Out-of-Control Teens

My 14 year-old son has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ADD, sensory integration dysfunction, other processing disorders and is a genius. Things have been manageable until recently when I began to date an old college boyfriend. I am a 47 year old single parent twice divorced with 1 son from each marriage. My 14 year old lives with me 365 days of the year and his 10 year old half-brother lives with us about 40% of the time. I am a full time trial lawyer for a local government agency and help with my aging parents.

Recently my 14 year old has ramped up the rude and disrespectful behavior, like calling me a bitch and being rude to his brother. My boyfriend will not come to my home- which pleases my son greatly. Implementing consequences for the name-calling has been met with intense response--like stating he will turn his brother against me and convince him to never come to our home. Mean, horrible things like that. He rages and his incredibly intense, always has been. His psychiatrist thinks he may need residential treatment--I hate to think it has come to that. Any suggestions to eliminate the threats and Machiavellian behavior? Thank you for any input, M.H.

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Hi M.,

A couple points:

1. Clearly he doesn’t want to share you with a boyfriend. But (a) you should be able to have a social life and (b) your son needs to learn the lesson that you are not his slave (i.e., not someone who pours all her time and energy into one person). Don’t let him manipulate you out of a relationship with a boyfriend.

2. A kid’s emotional and behavioral problems happen for a variety of reasons. There’s never just one simple cause. The current problems could be due to something at home or school, something that happened in the past, bio-chemical changes that occur as the child develops, etc. (you did mention that he is 14-years-old now …kids usually fire their caretakers as managers around this age and say, ”I take it from here”). In any event, it wouldn’t be a good use of time and energy to speculate about the cause. All we can do is address issues today.


You mentioned “things have been manageable until recently.” I find that when parents were experiencing an improvement in their child’s behavior, and then things got worse again, it is nearly always the case that the parent has neglected some of her strategies. The method discussed in my ebook consists of a ‘set of strategies’ that must be used ‘in combination’ with one another. If any part of the method is overlooked, the entire system fails.

Consider all the individual components in the transmission of your car. If just one tiny part (e.g., a check ball or a little spring) is lose or broken, the entire transmission stops working. The same is true with these parenting strategies.

Let me provide you with a check-list. If you answer “no” to any of these statements, you may have discovered a potential problem in your parenting transmission:

1. After issuing a consequence, I never retract it.

2. I allow my out-of-control kid to make wrong choices, which gives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.

3. I am able to differentiate between my kid’s wants and her/his needs.

4. I don’t nag – I simply follow through with the consequence.

5. I don’t try to save my kid from negative consequences and painful emotions associated with poor choices.

6. I expect my out-of-control kid to resist my new parenting strategies.

7. I give equal love to all my kids, but parent them differently.

8. I give only one warning -- then I follow through with the consequence.

9. I give my kid at least five chores to do each week.

10. When I slip into a rage against my kid, I apologize, but I don’t try to compensate by over-indulging him/her.

11. I keep an eye out for my kid’s guilt-trips.

12. I know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by both parents is better than a stronger strategy supported by only one, and I adjust accordingly.

13. I have learned to say “no”-- and to stick with “no” when it is my answer.

14. I only give my kid gifts on birthdays, Christmas and graduation.

15. I understand that over-indulged kids are too comfortable and that they need some discomfort before they will change.

16. I understand that parenting is not a popularity contest – I am not a "buddy"!

17. I respond to my kid’s anger with a poker face.


18. When taking away privileges, I take away the privilege for a short period (3 days works best; if it lasts too long, resentment builds, my kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost).

19. When I catch myself feeling sorry for my kid, I know it is a sign that I am – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

20. When my kid needs to be cheered-up, I do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs rather than giving her/him stuff or freedom (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities, etc.).

21. I do not dabble with these non-traditional parenting strategies – I am consistent!

22. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying Yes” when my answer is yes (covered in the ebook).

23. I regularly use “The Art Of Saying No” when my answer is no (covered in the ebook).

24. I regularly use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” whenever I want my kid to do as requested (covered in the ebook).

25. I avoid power struggles at all cost.

26. I have the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and I have the wisdom to know the difference.

Do a quick tune-up on your parenting transmission, and things should become manageable again. And of course, let your son know that you have plenty of love to go around; you won’t love him any less or spend any less time with him just because you have a boyfriend.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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By

The Marriage First - Kids Second

My husband and I have been in a battle about priorities with children, we set guidelines and I end up having to be the one to follow up and he usually wears out in the middle of it and 'wants to have some fun with the kids' resulting in him stating I am too tough with the kids. We took his daughter in 5 years ago, split up over her playing him which ended up with him having to verify EVERYTHING I stated with his 9 year old daughter at that time, before it could be valid, meaning I was not valid unless his daughter stated it. We split up and I went back, yes, it was my choice but I thought he made changes and he did but we are at the same point again. His daughter and I have a wonderful relationship now and mainly because we all made changes.

We had a disagreement about the kids again, I was too tough on them, and I told him in hurt and anger that he has the wrong priorities, he needed to put me first and the way he treats me is wrong. Of course he disagreed on that and I told him he needed to start asking others around us, after asking who, I told him he could start with his daughter. He was silent and then angry stating he will take it up with her, making remarks about how her father handles anything. I told him she would tell him the same I do, which he replied to that he would ask her, if she stated he had an issue, he would have to review his actions and make changes, this was a repeat of what he used to do to me before. I asked him if he meant that he would validate her statement but not mine and he replied that was exactly it, since all I wanted to do was to control things and if she would see his actions as an issue, then there would be something to work on.

Needless to say, that felt like a knife in my back and I told him that he needed to handle the children as he felt correct. I called his daughter and told her about the conversation and told her that if she did not want to be confronted, I did not expect her to admit making that statement before, which is what she did. Everyone fears my husband's wrath and since it was me that opened my mouth, I did not want her to have to reap the consequences.

My question is, do we put our child's statement before our spouse? Is following up on responsibilities and consequences with children a control issue?

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Re: My question is, do we put our child's statement before our spouse?

No. I regularly tell parents not to believe anything their kids say (as in 0%), because strong-willed, out-of-control kids rarely speak the truth. They routinely try to convince the father that the mother is mistreating them …try to convince the mother that the father is unfair …try convince the parents that the teachers are cruel and unjust …try to convince the teachers that the parents are abusive …and so on.

The marriage is the foundation of the entire family, and if the foundation is weak, the entire structure fails.

Analogy: Think of the marriage as the foundation of a house, and the children as the roof. If the foundation is cracked and sagging, it’s not long before the roof begins to buckle. Eventually, it’s not even safe to be in the house at all due to the impending collapse of the roof, which could result in and death or injury. Because the foundation problems were not repaired at the first sign of trouble, the entire house must be demolished for safety reasons.

Similarly, if the marital-foundation is weak and goes without repair for several months (i.e., parents choosing not to be united an bonded on most issues), the family-unit will fail, and family members will have to find a safer environment to live in.

Re: Is following up on responsibilities and consequences with children a control issue?

No. It’s called assertive parenting (as opposed to passive, over-indulgent, or authoritarian parenting).

Mark Hutten,M.A.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

When You Have to Constantly Remind Your Child to Do Chores

We started laying down the law to my son Ryan who will be 16 in few weeks and have tried to make him more accountable. He and his siblings are expected to put their clothes in the hamper twice a day, to make their bed each morning and pick up items on their floors before they leave. The rule is that if you want to have friends over/go out over the weekend that you will comply. The younger 2 do this almost without reminder. It is working well. Ryan needs to be reminded.

Today he was running late and looking for his baseball hat. He, per usual...asked for help in trying to find it. Because he asked nicer than his usual accusatory tone I did try to help a bit. In the process of trying to find it he ended up pulling out many clothes, which are now all over the floor. He did find the hat under his own bed.

 As Ryan was preparing to wait for the bus, I reminded him of the need to pick up his room. He curtly replied that he did not have time as the bus was coming (which was mostly true and honestly I did not want to drive him if he missed it.) and that he would do it when he came home later that night.

 Now I have a cleaning woman in today who will end up picking it all up for him by the time he gets home. I let him go and did not say anything. Thoughts?

 1. I probably should have left the cleaning woman a note NOT to pick up his room??

 2. I could have pushed it and made him miss his bus but figured this was a case of pick your battles.

 3. I did not like though that he TOLD me what he was doing vs asking ...but at his age what is a reasonable expectation. He was not terribly disrespectful ...but he was assertive.

 Let me know how you would have handled this.

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You are greatly on target. It would have been appropriate for the cleaning lady to bypass his room. And I agree that “not making him miss the bus” was a good call. It sounds like you will have to remind him about chores, however.

Should you have to remind your son to do chores? You'd better plan on it unless you want to feel frustrated. Teens are certainly capable of remembering a schedule of things that are important to them. However, chores are just not that important to them. Furthermore, they don't feel responsible for them. After all, it's your house, not theirs!

They don't feel the same level of "ownership" in the way the house looks. This explains why they can sometimes show impressive cleaning skills when their friends are coming over or they're left at home for the weekend, but don't remember the chores at other times. For regular chores, save yourself the hassle and remind them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Some teens bristle at this reminder, however, because they think that they don't need the reminder. To avoid this resentment, you might include the reminder in a general review of everyone's schedule and responsibilities for the day, or make a reminder/check-off sheet for everyone's chores (including your own). Then you can present the list as a reminder for yourself, also.

Another strategy is to ask your teen to monitor the compliance with chores for the family, including your compliance. They feel more investment in the tasks, and you may share more empathy with your teen when you experience their reminders to do your chores.

Given the arguments and the supervision that are sometimes required to get some teens to finish chores, many parents ask, "Why bother?" Be assured that the effort is, indeed, worthwhile. Accomplishment of chores are especially important for teens because they teach basic domestic "survival skills" that will help the teens to successfully and competently live separately from their parents when that time comes.

This competence also adds to their sense of self-reliance – AND REMEMBER: SELF-RELIANCE IS KEY! It can also foster self-discipline and order, which are foundations for successful employment. And, chores help the teens to prepare to be responsible roommates, the first step in being responsible and helpful community members.



 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Juvenile Probation Officer is Recommending DOC

Hi, Mark,

My son, K___, is almost 16. He was diagnosed as bipolar, adhd & odd in Oct. 2016. Shortly after being placed on meds we had to call the police to help with him. We were to take him to the ER where they transferred him to the psychiatric hosp. Later they sent him to the state hospital to stabilize his moods and meds.

Last Sept. they released him. He was not complying with his treatment plan and interfering with others. We contacted the State's Att. office to see what we could do. We were afraid of him. He was suicidal and homicidal. We were encouraged to file a CHINS (children in need of supervision) petition. For the past 1 1/2 yrs. he has been on probation. Not "breaking" the law but not doing well either.

We had an in-home counselor referred (in addition to the private counselor). Recently my son was caught smoking, which of course, is a probation violation. Soon we will go to court (Nov. 5th) for Probation Revocation. His Probation Officer is recommending DOC ...boot camp.

It seems in this entire process that there is something missing ...Like resources to get him the help he really needs. His PO is so frustrated that he tells K___ NOT to do something and he DOES. Doesn't it seem that money would be better spent to have something for the kids who fall into the category of Mental illnesses instead of looking having punitive consequences?

I live in South Dakota ...I don't know if there is something in other states that acknowledge that these kids need help ...just in a different way. We are hoping that the Judge will look at residential care rather than Boot Camp. What are your thoughts on this? How can I help make a change to the system?

We've been to court and will go again for a dispositional hearing ...we'll have results from a recent Psychological Eval by then. What are statistics like for kids going in to and coming out of DOC?

Thanks,

L.F.

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Hi L.,

Three things determine how we turn out: (1) genetics, (2) environment, and (3) personal choice.

Your son can’t do anything about his genetics (bipolar has a strong genetic link, so someone else in your family probably has or had bipolar, perhaps a great grandfather for example).

He can’t do anything about his environment (i.e., parental influence in his nuclear family). I’m not blaming you, but I need to say something here, so don’t take this the wrong way:

I work with parents that are in the same boat as you. And these parents have over-indulged their kids for many, many years (basically the whole kid’s life), and unfortunately they are now reaping the consequences of their over-indulgent parenting style.

However, your son can do something about his personal choices. And he simply hasn’t learned how to make better choices yet. As you may have read in my ebook, he (as the result of over-indulgence) is emotionally more like a 9-year-old, even though chronologically he is 16. So, consider this:

A “normal” kid (whatever that means) matures at about the age of 21 (the brain is fully developed around that age). Because your son is approximately 9-years-old (again, I’m going on the assumption that he was over-indulged most of his life, which may or may not be the case), he will not likely be fully developed emotionally for another 10 - 12 years. I don’t mean to shock you here, but this means he will be about 26 to 28-years-old before he will arrive at a point where he is capable of making “grown-up” choices.

DOC has its advantages and disadvantages (too many pros and cons to list here). The main advantage is that the DOC environment will help him mature. The disadvantage is he will likely become a better “criminally-minded” individual (strange example: if you hang around the “Mud People” long enough, it won’t be long before you’re all muddy).

Re: “What are statistics like for kids going in to and coming out of DOC?”

Dozens of studies exist on this topic. In one study, the goal was to evaluate the practical effect of alternative programs for juvenile delinquents, which have been championed for the last decade as a way to reform rather than punish juveniles for delinquent behavior. To the surprise and disappointment of many, the vast majority of alternative programs did not reduce recidivism, and in fact, those that participated in alternative programs had a higher recidivism rate.

This particular study, compared the recidivism rates of 600 juveniles adjudicated in the years 1994 and 1999. It determined that delinquents in 1999 who completed the alternative programs were more likely to commit crimes after being released than delinquents who were in the juvenile justice system in 1994, before the alternative programs began.

Juveniles were compared at 6-, 12- and 18-month intervals after release and those that took part in alternative programs in 1999, had higher recidivism rates.

Another key finding of the report was the failure of current programs to help juveniles in the areas of substance abuse, negative peer pressure and the needs of dysfunctional families. The study sampled 22 of 100 alternative programs and found that only two were able to significantly lower recidivism rates for juveniles. Of the 22 programs studied, 4 are administered by the Department of Children and Families (DCF), and the others by the Judicial Branch's Court Support Services Division. Recommendations included a focus on the need to increase parental accountability through the courts and the expansion of aftercare services for juveniles when they are returned to the community (this is what I do at my day job; I provide aftercare services for kids coming home after a stint at DOC).

I know that it seems like there is no hope here. But, if parents will dig their heels in and stick to the strategies outlined in my ebook, they will greatly improve the odds that the ‘maturation process’ will be expedited (i.e., their kid’s emotional age will, sooner than later, approximate his/her chronological age). Nonetheless, you’ll have to play a game of “catch-up” for a while yet.

Be patient with the process. If you had smoked for 16 years, you wouldn’t expect your lungs to heal-up over night. In the same way, it’s going to take some time for your son to recover from a history of “poor-choice-making.”

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Mark,

I appreciate your e-mail. We are not beyond examining our over-indulgence towards our son. He is after all an only child (maybe that explains a lot???). I always thought we were a little on the stingy side ...after all we've never rushed out to buy him the newest ...whatever. But he has never lacked for anything either.

You mentioned that perhaps it seemed as if there wasn't much hope. Actually I find it to be a very hopeful situation. There are two things out of three that we CAN do something about ...providing that he cooperates in making better choices, and let's not rule out the power of prayer. I mentioned all of this to our pastor's wife (a very close friend of mine) and she did say, "well he IS an only child." So from here, we will pursue something different, so he can be different ...and though he will most likely be placed in DOC custody I am hopeful that THERE he will find the tools that he will need to make the better choices.

I have a great respect for those in authority over us, and though we do not have a fool-proof system, I do believe that God will use this time in K___'s life to change him. And in the process we will be changed.

Thanks again for taking the time to chat about this. I'm sure you have a very demanding job in addition to maintaining the web-site and all of the responses from that. My prayer is that God will bless you in and through this!

L.
By

How to Deal with "Empty-Nest Syndrome"

"I feel that there is no help for parents or their teenagers in this world, or am I just seeing all the kids that are out of control …it seems like there is more of them then there is good ‘in control’ teens. My daughter has been gone for three weeks, although my home is a lot more peaceful and happy. When my hubby and I fight, she is always brought up. I don’t like it, and I find myself crying at nights. People keep telling me that she will come home, but how come I don’t believe it? She is 16 yrs old and lives with her boyfriend and his mom. My other daughter who is now 19 hasn’t come home yet and moved out when she was 15. My brother still thinks that both of my girls will come home sooner or later ...he says they always do ...somehow I don’t believe him ...ok maybe I’m just letting out my hurt and pain in this email, but I just needed to get it out of my brain ...even if it just for two minutes."

Your task is to take care of yourself now - especially your mental health. You've been a good parent, but now is the season for "empty-nest syndrome."

It is quite normal for a mother to feel some sadness at this time ...it is quite normal to have a little weeping now and again ...and it is even normal to go into the absent child's bedroom and sit there for a bit in an attempt to feel closer to him or her.

I know of one very successful, busy and confident woman (a member of Online Parent Support) who confessed to going into her son's bedroom to sniff his T-shirt shortly after he left to go to college for the first time. So don't be ashamed of your feelings - they are natural.

O.K. …your daughters have left home. You'll obviously want to keep in touch with them. But don't try and do this excessively. Be sensitive to the fact that they are trying to take a big, significant step in life, which doesn't actually have much to do with you.
Your daughters will need your support, but they will not want to feel suffocated. The more you cling or show that you're upset, the less likelihood there is of them contacting you in the future.

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By

I want my husband and I to both be on the same page...

Hi Mark,

Want my husband and I to both be on the same page so from now on as I email these quick scenarios and questions to you I will copy him. If you would be so kind as to reply all that would be great!!

Wanted to run this one by you.

1. I called Ryan down for lunch. He proceeded to take his plate into the family room and to march over and turn the TV show off that his younger sister was watching and of course she screamed.

2. I told him to please bring the food into the kitchen. (We have had a SOFT rule on this but have been flexible...) To which he replied no and proceeded to watch his show.

I again said …you both need to come out for lunch. You can watch TV in the kitchen. I was very calm.

>>>>>>>>> You may want to consider having only one t.v. in the house (not one in the kitchen however).

Ryan began to whine ..."come on ...give me a break ...I eat neatly ...I promise I wont get any food on the floor and I can only watch this show here due to the fact it was recorded."

In an effort to pick my battles I said. OK. Ryan. If you had merely explained that and asked please this may have gone very differently. Similarly rather than just switch the TV off you should have asked please to your sister to see if she would be ok with your choice. To wit...he mumbled under his breath..."please."

>>>>>>>>> O.K. I have to stop reading here. I can see where this is heading.

You just engaged in a form of over-indulgence (albeit mild). Please follow the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management chapter of the ONLINE VERSION of the ebook].

I said ...ok. IF you would just set up snack tables for you and your sister, you can both eat in here. Again he turned up the remote and said NO. "I don’t need a table and I am NOT doing ANYTHING for HER. She can do it. I am not doing it". I said...calmly...I understand that you may not agree with this but that is not your call. I gave you a way to get what you want. If you don’t do this by the count of 3 ...you will lose all electronics for 3 days.

>>>>>>>>>> You are attempting to “reason with” your son here – you are appealing to his “rational mind” – which is a “traditional” parenting strategy that has little or no positive outcome.

Also, when you said “by the count of 3” – you unintentionally effected a power struggle.

A better approach would be to say, “WHEN you set up snack tables, you can eat and watch t.v. in the family room – take all the time you need” (confiscate the remote and withhold food until the snack table is set up …if it never gets set up, he doesn’t eat …unless he wants to eat in the kitchen).

Again he told me....NO. So I calmly said...ok. You have chosen your consequence and I left the room and calmly removed his cell phone, laptop and PSP and came back down and had my daughter eat her lunch in the kitchen.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Good.

He proceeded to watch TV and eat his lunch. At one point he called in ... I need my computer for school. So YOU need to give it back to me anyway. I said ...you should have thought of that before. He shouted that it will be YOUR fault if I don’t hand in my paper. I did not respond...assuming that if he TRULY needed to do schoolwork he could borrow my computer.

>>>>>>>>>>> Good. He was trying to push your ‘worry button’ here.

He then went on to tease his sister. Each time he would do something ...I would walk in and he would stop. This was so distracting I had to hang up my phone call and then he left the room calling back ...

>>>>>>>>> Teasing his sister is a different issue. You have to pick which battle you’re going to fight. Things are starting to pile up here [you’re in a power struggle again].

Make note of the additional behavioral problems and address them at a later date. Otherwise, your son will be successful at keeping you distracted – you’ll be running from one problem to the next, which will wear you out …plus he will win the struggle. Don’t get off the subject, which currently is the “eating in the family room” issue.

" I need my cell phone to call back a team mate about something important." I again held tight and said..."you will have to call him on the house phone." He said "I don’t know his number." I said..."oh well. We will get his mom’s number off the team roster."

>>>>>>>>> Good. You’re on track again.

He then mumbled and left the house to go out and play hoops.

Now...I was thinking this was SOMEWHAT successful and then I went upstairs to find his room was a mess. Now the irony is that He HAD picked up his room and made his bed earlier in the AM that day....the ONE thing we had seen SOME improvement in since we have started. After he left I realized that he had gone in and re messed up his bed...clothes were strewn all over the floor.

>>>>>>>>> Re-messing up his room is a separate issue. Make a note to address this later. You are allowing him to keep you distracted [which will be over-whelming and will interfere with your dealing with the original problem].

I am ASSUMING that again we restate the expectation around his room and make him clean it. This is the way that Ryan has ALWAYS been.

>>>>>>>>> Yes …but later.

If he feels like he blew it and is in trouble anyway...there is NO value in being good. So...please help? If we keep adding 3 days for each time now he mouths off/screws up...we will be back to the 2 month groundings that we are trying to avoid?

>>>>>>>>>>> Start with just one day with no cell …then if you have to, go 2 days with no cell or laptop …then go for the 3-day discipline and withhold all “toys”.

But the more important issue here is this: You must first disengage from the power struggle you are currently in with him. I can see that your relationship with him is one of “battle-of-the-wills.” And he’s winning (and always has).

To that end we are now thinking that if we say ...we have a big yard project to do today. If you do so without complaining or causing trouble you can earn back the electronics. You are doing the work either way.

>>>>>>>>> This is another traditional parenting strategy. I’m NOT saying, “don’t try it.” Go ahead and see if this works.

But, I think chores should be used for those occasions when the child is EARNING stuff and freedom – and should NOT be used as a way for him to make up for past sins.

He should be doing chores anyway. And to reward him (by retracting a consequence) for doing what he’s suppose to be doing anyway is, in effect, retracting the original consequence.

I know all this seems complicated, but you are greatly on track. But, again, you’ve got to get out of the power struggle. Follow the alternatives I’ve offered in this email to begin the process of disengagement.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Daughter is smoking anywhere between 3-5 joints a day...


Hi Mark. My daughter has now moved back home - about 1 1/2 weeks ago - having been gone for about 1 month in total. The work at the factory that she had been doing has now more or less dried up or is very sporadic. I have told her that as she is still refusing to attend school for the last couple of months she will have to go out and get another job as I do not want her staying at home all day doing nothing whilst I am at full time work. Also I do not trust her in the house on her own as she has people round without my permission.

>>>>>>>>> To allow her to just hang out at your house with no job and no effort to pursue an education is a gross form of over-indulgence. This cannot continue …period!

Trying to persuade Lauren to get another job yesterday turned into quite a heated discussion with her storming off and more or less ending in her threatening me with verbal and physical abuse and threatening to leave home again. Already today she has had her boyfriend round for a short while even though he is effectively 'banned' from our house.

>>>>>>>>>> Don’t waste time “persuading” …state that she has “X” number of days to either procure employment and/or get busy with her GED -- or she has to find somewhere else to live (14 days would be my time limit).

I do not feel I can chuck her out during the day as there is nowhere else she can go but don’t think she should be allowed to stay at home doing nothing if she is not prepared to go to school either.

>>>>>>>> Whose problem is it? The more responsibility you take for HER problem, the less responsibility she will take.

I cannot physically drag her out of her bed and to find something but do not want to keep going through this worry every day for the next 4/5 months before we find out if she has been accepted a place in college. She is also running up quite high debts with other people where she is living beyond her means and with no way of paying people back currently.

The whole situation is making me extremely upset and anxious and I feel powerless. I do not feel that she is trying to make any effort at all to compromise, its all take, take, take from her side and angry mood swings when things don’t go her way.

>>>>>>>>> “Compromising” is a traditional parenting strategy that doesn’t work.

The only time she is calm otherwise is when she is smoking weed - which obviously also really concerns me as she is smoking anywhere between 3-5 joints a day @ 16 years of age and I feel that this is very habit forming. She recently said, 'I don’t believe the cops should harass you for smoking weed .... They should be concerned about why people are trying to kill us ... rather than about me sitting here smoking on a joint.'

>>>>>>>>>> To allow her to live in your home and abuse illicit drugs is yet another gross form of over-indulgence. You should “turn her in.”

Please could you offer me some advice as to how best to motivate her into doing something more positive and respecting our house rules?

>>>>>>>>> As long as the over-indulgence persists – I'm afraid you’re stuck!

==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents

By

Mother Pushes Her Teenage Son After Being Pushed Herself

>>>>>>>>>> Hi …I’ve answered below:

If R___ physically pushes me (albeit not very hard) how do I handle?

>>>>>>>>>> As I hope you read in the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook, you have reached the 6th and final level of the anger ladder:

6th - Physical violence enters the picture here. This violence may be partially controlled because the kid knows what he is doing, even though later he might claim it was an accident. The kid plans to stop when he gets his way …if the parent gives in, he’ll back off.

Some of the things that may occur in this last stage:

· destruction of property
· domestic battery
· cops are called – sometimes by the kid
· parent files incorrigibility charge
· kid may not be conscious of his actions
· kid may become suicidal
· he may physically hurt the parent

>>>>>>>>>> I don’t think you realize how serious this is.

>>>>>>>>>> I would tell your son that the next time he pushes you, the police will be called and battery charges will be filed. And you, dear mom, cannot push back. If he were smart enough to pull it off, HE could call the cops ON YOU during these risky episodes in which pushing and shoving is going on. I see it happen – ALL THE TIME (i.e., the kid calling the cops of the parent and alleging abuse).

>>>>>>>>>> I’m telling you that you are treading on dangerous ground here. You DO NOT want Child Protective Services breathing down your back.

As a human being...I could not help myself...no one likes to be bullied...I pushed back (I know WRONG). Then it happened later with him dismissing my requests with a hand wave, an annoyed..."just stop talking" and a shove out of his way.

I am trying so hard to be calm but this came after he THREW his sibling on the ground.

Tried to follow the program protocol. Got out of the situation fast. Calmly said...you chose your consequence. Went to his room and took away his phone and laptop. But I am still seething. Let me know any other ideas. Taking away things has not seemed to work very well. We both think he is trying to get grounded to avoid peer pressure situations with alcohol and drugs but he refuses to open up as we ask him and try to engage him in ANY normal conversations. Know you say if something is not working try something different.

>>>>>>>>>> Don’t believe it when your son seems unaffected by discipline. Children often pretend discipline doesn’t bother them. Continue to be persistent with your planned discipline, and consider yourself successful by keeping your parenting plan in place. When children pretend a discipline doesn’t bother them, parents often give up on a discipline, which reinforces the child’s disobedience. Remember, you can only control your actions, not your children’s re-actions.

P.S. Parents must have a ‘zero-tolerance policy’ for children’s use of physical altercations to get their way (i.e., pushing, shoving, smacking. hitting, spitting, etc.).

Mark Hutten, M.A.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Behavior Problems to Put in the "Deal-With-It-Later" File

"Mark, What do I do when I’ve issued the 3-day-discipline (e.g., for violating curfew), but then my son creates a new problem before completing the discipline (e.g., calls me a bitch, then breaks a plate by throwing it in the sink too hard)? Do I start the 3 days over even though the “broken plate episode” is unrelated to the curfew violation, or does this new problem get a different consequence?"

---------------------

You only restart the 3-day-discipline if the original crime is re-committed (in this case, if your son violates curfew again).

When parents issue a 3-day-discipline, it is very common for kids to introduce additional behavioral problems (temper tantrums, threats, etc.) as a way to (a) get the parent side-tracked from the original consequence and (b) get the focus off of them and onto the parent’s anger.

If the parent falls for this, she ends up issuing additional consequences on top of existing consequences …restrictions against the kid begin to pile up …and before long, the kid is grounded for 3 months with no privileges …and both the parent and the kid have forgotten what the original problem was.

Don’t let this happen to you. Do not let your son get you distracted from the original problem and the associated consequence for that problem. Here’s how you do this:

If your son commits another crime (figuratively speaking) during a 3-day-discipline, put this new crime in the “Deal-With-It-Later” file. You literally write the problem down on a piece of paper (e.g., ‘son called me a bad name and broke a plate’) and put this note-to-yourself somewhere where you can find it after the original 3-day-discipline is completed.

After the original 3-day-discipline is completed, you then confront your son regarding the second problem he introduced by saying, “Just for your information, in the future, if you choose to ____________ (in this case, “call me a bitch and break my dishes”), then you’ll choose the consequence which is ________________ (here you just follow the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” in the Anger Management Chapter of the Online Version of the eBook).

So, does your son get “off the hook” for calling you a name and breaking a plate? In a way, yes …but only for the time being. He will have to answer to you if the name-calling and plate-breaking occur again in the future.

Pick your battles carefully – but perhaps more importantly, pick them one-at-a-time. Do not try to fight 14 battles at once. You’ll just blow a blood vessel in your brain …and your kid will be successful at getting you to chase your tail.

Use your “Deal-With-It-Later” file frequently. You’ll save yourself a lot of time and energy that would otherwise be spent in chronic power struggles.

Q: How do you eat an elephant?

A: One bite at a time.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


----------

P.S. Speaking of mistakes you don’t want to make—

I sometimes get emails like this:

“O.K. I purchased and read your eBook today. Now …I have the following problems with my teenager...”

Then the parent goes on to list about 6 – 10 problems that she is facing currently.

This is a mistake. DO NOT read the entire eBook in one sitting and then attempt to implement all the recommended parenting strategies at once.

When I conduct my parent group live (the same thing you have online), we take 4 weeks to digest the material – one session a week, each session lasting about 90 minutes. You should do the same. Your agenda will look like this:

Week #1: Read/listen to session #1 and implement session #1 assignments.
Week #2: Read/listen to session #2 and implement session #2 assignments.
Week #3: Read/listen to session #3 and implement session #3 assignments.
Week #4: Read/listen to session #4 and implement session #4 assignments.

Otherwise, you’ll be biting off much more than you can chew -- which will result in a “mac-daddy”case of parenting-heartburn.
By

Mother Becomes Discouraged After Implementing New Parenting Strategies

"Hi Mark, I have to admit I am a bit discouraged. I have been following your rules carefully and consistently for a few weeks now. Good news. I have seen some improvement in compliance with house rules. Bad news ...the more compliance I see, the more silent treatment and other anger management stages I see being exhibited. So ...let me know if this progression is normal, and again, assuming that I AM following the rules EXACTLY as you have them laid out ...how long it should take to see SOME improvement in attitude.While I try to remain non-affected ...after weeks and months of saying ‘I love you’ and not having anything said back can get pretty damaging. I feel like I am now getting close to the reciprocal of the silent treatment and emotional numbness so I don’t fly off the handle. Any thoughts?"

`````````````````````````````````````````

Yes …first of all, feeling discouraged is a natural step in the progression of this parenting-model. As change begins to happen, most (if not all) parents experience some “doubt” that this “system” (i.e., this new set of parenting strategies) actually works. Plus, things often get worse before they get better. But don’t get sidetracked just because you’re discouraged. Don’t go on ‘how it feels’ right now, because it always feels a whole lot worse than it actually is.

Re: silent treatment. When kids give parents the silent treatment, it is just another form of seeking intensity/energy from the parent; they want to get a reaction out of you; they are attempting to push your “rejection” buttons. If you are offended by the silent treatment, be sure to give NO indication that you are offended (e.g., in the form of anger or returning the silent treatment).

I find that when “the silent treatment” goes on for a lengthy period of time, it is most often the case that the parent is not “catching the kid in the act of doing something right” enough (I assume you read that part of the eBook – if not, please review). When the parent provides a lot of intensity when things are “going right,” the kid usually get his “intensity fix” and does not turn to more destructive means to get attention.

Re: saying “I love you.” This is a ‘gift’ that you give your child. Expect nothing in return. If you are offended because your child does not respond positively, then you are too emotionally invested in the relationship (i.e., taking on too much responsibility).

Let me offer a refinement on the “I love you” business. From now on say, “Love ya” once a week as you walk by your child. Don’t look at him/her …don’t stand there waiting for a response …say it quickly, move on to your next task, and detach from the outcome.

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Make Your Defiant Teenager Itch!

Hi Tom,

I’ve responded to your email in various places below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>

Mark, thanks for your e-book and quick responses. After reading your book I realize I have been an overindulgent parent, primarily the result of guilt over the divorce I sought when my son (now 15) was very young. He now has pretty high self-esteem, but low motivation and he is an underachiever in school (C+ despite being very bright).

Now that I have been fired as his manager I am changing my ways and your strategies are helping. He missed an assignment in school recently, which affected his grade. I told him if it happened again he would lose his computer and cell phone privileges for 3 days. Well, it happened again and I informed him of the consequence. Of course he threw a fit, but I kept my cool. By the second day he had calmed down and was fine. He got the privileges back at the end of the 3 days, but then the day after that, I found out he had missed two other assignments. Of course, I gave him the same consequence.

My question is, should you ever change or up the consequence for repeated offenses?

>>>>>>>>>> Actually, I would start with the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., no cell or computer + grounding for 1 day). Then for a repeat offense, go 2 - 3 days, but never more than 3.

>>>>>>>>> But we may have a larger issue here! In the case where (a) a teen has a history of poor academic performance and (b) this lack of effort is a major source of parent-teen conflict, I strongly recommend that parents get out of the business of playing teacher, dean, and vice-principal. I don’t know if this is the case with your son, but if it is, you’ll want to read my response to a parent who had this problem (in ‘Emails From Exasperated Parents’ – online version of the ebook). {If your son is making nothing lower than a “C”, then this recommendation I’m referring to may not apply in your case.}

Should I have taken other privileges away in addition to computer and cell phone? Or is it better to stick with what I originally told him?

What is the best approach here? No matter what consequence I choose, there are always other privileges he enjoys, or even loopholes. For example, I was specific in that he couldn't use the computer or cell phone during the 3 days; but he still has other privileges during those 3 days--like video games. Also, I didn't specifically ground him so he visited a friend in the neighborhood (where he probably used his friend's computer), and I specifically said he lost the use of his cell phone, so he used the house phone instead (although for shorter periods). I was uncomfortable with this, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to alter the consequence mid-stream.

>>>>>>>>>> When implementing a 3-day discipline, it is best that the child have no privileges + grounding (i.e., no use of cell or land line, no use of computer, no use of video games, no leaving the house – and in the case where he enjoys hibernating in his room -- no access to his bedroom except to dress and sleep). Otherwise, it is not an “uncomfortable” consequence. We want the consequence to “feel uncomfortable” to the child.

>>>>>>>>>> If, for example, you put on an itchy sweater made of sheep’s wool and break out with a rash, you tend to take it off because it is uncomfortable – and you may never wear it again! If the child finds a consequence to be “itchy,” he may decide not to exhibit the behavior that initiated the consequence he’s allergic to.

By

You saved us a lot of money on therapy.

I got your ebook a couple of days ago. It is priceless. You saved us a lot of money on therapy.

>>>>>>>>>> Good to hear!

After reading your ebook I still have a few questions:

1. What do you think of neurofeedback. Do you think it really helps with add?

>>>>>>>>>> I’m a very strong advocate for EEG Biofeedback.

2. What should we do when we hear from our 11 year old that her 13 year old sister is telling her that she hates her 3-4 times a day when they are at school?

>>>>>>>>>> Ignoring misbehavior is an over-rated parenting-strategy. However, in this case, I would ignore it. Pick your battles carefully. The more your 13-year-old knows she gets a ‘rise’ out of both you and her sister, the more she will be rewarded for this behavior and the longer she will use it as an effective tool.

3. We are having a difficult time monitoring computer time. Any ideas on how to set appropriate limits? She is using IM, photo shop and my space when she is working on her homework and then clicking off when we walk into the office. It's so difficult to monitor. Any suggestions?

>>>>>>>>>> Take the main AC power cord with you (located in the back of the computer). Alternatively, you could take the keyboard.

4. Our daughter always wants to spend the night at her friend's houses because their parents let them stay up as late as they want and wander around their neighborhood until 10 or 11 at night. Do I say no to her requests for sleepovers at these houses? As far as I know, nothing illegal is going on.

>>>>>>>>>> Yes, you should say ‘no’ …nothing good happens after 10:00 PM out in the neighborhood. Plus, your daughter will not get back into a regular sleep cycle until about the Thursday following the “up all night” weekend. I recommend that parents only let their kids stay up an hour or two later on Friday and Saturday nights (most kids stay up until 1:00 AM or later, then the parent complains when the kid can’t get up for school on Monday morning).

5. We've tried so hard to be positive and encouraging, but our daughter’s self-esteem is so low. How can we help her with feeling better about herself?

>>>>>>>>>> If you’ll follow the plan laid out in your session assignments, your daughter will get a steady diet of nurturing, ‘self-esteem boosting’ behavior from her parent.

6. Every couple of weeks she throws a huge tantrum when we give her a consequence. I don't think we have ever given in when she throws one, but we do pay more attention to her. Do we completely ignore these outbursts? Do we give her additional consequences because of the tantrum?

>>>>>>>>>> Assuming that you are delivering the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., grounding for 24 hours with no computer or phone privileges), I would just tell her “the 24 hours doesn’t start until you calm down and go to your room – take all the time you need.” This is a way to put her in charge of her own consequence.

>>>>>>>>>> Now you want to provide no intensity …put on your best poker face …and literally let her decide when the clock starts. After she calms down and goes to her room, look at the clock and start the 24-hour discipline (write down the time so you don’t forget). If she has another temper tantrum, just re-start the 24-hours.

6. We have set up a chore chart. If she doesn't do her chores she doesn't receive any money. This doesn't seem to bother her. How do we get her to do her chores without the money incentive?

>>>>>>>>>> I would use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [in the Anger Management chapter of the online version of the ebook]. If you need additional clarification on this one, just send me another email.

I think that’s it. Thanks again for the great ebook.

K.

By

Runaway Daughter is Smoking Weed

"I have only very recently become a member of the parent support group and although I am still reading the information provided, I am finding it extremely useful as the sorts of behavioural problems mentioned are spot on for my 16 year old daughter, L___. I wondered, however, if you might be able to give me some advice on how to best handle the situation I find myself in with her at the moment.

Three weeks ago, L___ decided that she did not want to stay at home as she didn’t like the house rules and wanted to stay out later and do her own thing as it was more fun, so she went to stay with a friend even though I said no to this and refused to let her go, she went anyway. This continued day after day - each day saying she would come home (and with me asking the parent concerned not to let her stay) however, this has continued and she shows no signs of wanting to come home, and has now 'moved' into her 18 year olds boyfriend’s house with his parents.

L___ does not want me to contact his parents at all and further more the parents have now started paying her to work in their factory. On top of this, and almost my main concern is, that Lauren is due to take her GCSE final exams in May/June of this year but she is refusing to go to school at all as she finds it boring and prefers to earn money from the boyfriend’s factory work. I am also aware that she is smoking weed on a regular basis and has experimented with other drugs in the past, which I believe is also affecting her behaviour. I am understandably extremely worried, upset and concerned.

I am unsure of the right things to say to her or how to best handle this situation to encourage her to want to come back home and stay and to go to school on a regular basis for the last 2/3 months. Lastly if possible to also show some respect to us, her parents, who obviously love her and want the best for her (we are divorced). I believe from the information I have read so far we have been indulgent parents and L___ is a scapegoat. Any advice you can give me would be appreciated."

__________

I often get these types of emails (i.e., child has moved out …not conducting her life as she should …I’ve lost all control in the situation and am terribly worried about her safety …and so on).

I know this is hard on you. However, as you have probably read in my ebook, self-reliance is key. And it sounds like your daughter is beginning to develop some self-reliance as evidenced by the fact that she has left “the nest” and is actively involved in gainful employment.

I understand that things are far from perfect at this time (e.g., she’s put education on the back-burner and may be abusing illicit drugs). Nonetheless, she’s out there trying to ‘make it’ (albeit with help from b-friend and his parents).

A word of encouragement is needed here: I’ve never (as in 0% of the time) met a teenager yet that didn’t, at some point, realize she needs some form of education. So don’t be discouraged about this. Also, be careful not to create a “Romeo and Juliet” phenomenon here (i.e., the more parents try to keep young lovers separated, the more the lovers gravitate toward one another).

I’m sure your daughter knows where you stand with respect to drug use as well as the importance of an education. To repeat your stance on this will be somewhat redundant at this point. But, your house rules still apply. If she wants to live under your roof, she has to play by your rules.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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