ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Dear Mark, Parent: We have a question. We read your response to our questions about our daughter. You commented that it would be easy to support her even though she is living away from home. How do we do this? Emotional support? >>>>>>>>>Yes ...I was referring to emotional support. >>>>>>>>>>Please hear me here: You have more power than you are giving yourself credit for. If you will shift your focus (i.e., your attitude, belief, thoughts) from what is going wrong (i.e., daughter may not make it academically, may not make it in life, etc.) to what you trust will go right , then you will literally set something in motion that will yield the desired result. >>>>>>>>>>This should be your mantra: "My daughter is more than capable ...she will do fine in whatever it is she decides to do ...she will be successful in a career ...she will be a good wife and mother ...she will continue to ...

Hi E. & P., I’ve responded to each of your points below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>> But first, let’s be clear on a few tenets that will be the foundation for my recommendations: 1. Our primary goal as parents should be to foster the development of self-reliance. 2. Our main strategy for fostering this development is to provide opportunities for our kids to EARN privileges. 3. We must provide no intensity when “things are going wrong” and provide a lot of intensity when “things are going right.” ================== Mark, We started using your techniques such as making our daughter earn, things such as money for gas ect. That was 1 week ago. She went to a friend’s house to house-sit for the weekend and now has stayed with them. They also think this arrangement is ok. But it is NOT ok with us. >>>>>>>>>> When parents begin to implement appropriate dis...

This question is not about my children (I don't have any) but my 16-year-old brother. Sometimes he is the nicest kid in the world, but now he is acting out and not listening to my parents. My parents are fighting about it and not getting along and I have another brother and sister who are younger and cry because C___ and mom are fighting. He does not listen and is starting to fail school. He just got his license and thinks he is invincible. My mom calls me crying all the time about it and I don't know what to do. Help!! Got help!?

My daughter turned 18 in Oct, since then, rules have been tested every step of the way. She had her teacher call, grades were slipping, I talked to her, she got loud and we argued. We have argued about curfew. We argue about her attitude, very poor. We talked about a lip pierce, I said no, and no again. She knew the rules, I said wait till she graduated. She came home late after work, said I know you're going to be mad, but I got one. I blew up. I got mad and told her that she needed to go spend the night at her older brother's house, while I cooled down. I was furious for her defying me. She stayed one night there, and moved over to her girlfriends. Haven’t heard from her in a week. She's going to school. I talked to the coach. What do I do? Do I go and force her home, do I call the cops (she's 18, I don’t think they can do anything) leave it alone, she’ll come home on her own? She won’t even talk to me. Help ________ Hi B., You’re right …the cops will not...

Hi Mark, I had a meeting with ex re: finances, but he wont pay anything. He has a new girlfriend who lives in NSW and says L___ will not stay at her high school the whole way through. I want her to. He doesn't know where he will live. Where does that leave me? It actually affected my work today. I think I need some legal advice on that matter. Can he just take her away or what? I am overeating and over-sleeping now. I believe L___ would take us to court if she could or would know about it. She has been okay during holidays. J. ___________ Hi J., I’m not sure what the laws are on this matter in your area. In my state, either parent (or both) can get custody. If the parents agree between themselves on custody, they can avoid a long and expensive court case. But if they can't agree, the judge will hear both sides and decide what's best for the child, not the parents. The judge will consider many factors such as: Which parent has been the childr...

I am a very experience tutor tutoring a thirteen-year-old who does not respond to strategies. Will this program help me? I have never worked with a child as difficult, and I am used to working with children who are difficult. I am determined to succeed. There is a stubborn refusal to attend, to try a new strategy even though he knows the strategies he has been using don't work, and an inability to carry through on completing a task. He is very intelligent and could do well; however, I am not able to reach him. Do you think this program will help him? Here's Help!

Hi M., I’ve responded to each of your comments in turn below. Please look for there arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Dear Mr. Hutten, Our son is already in a mental health facility. He would have gone to a juvenile justice facility if we had not intervened and sent him to get some help. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Michael …don’t get upset with me, but I think this was a big mistake (i.e., intervening to “save” him from experiencing emotional pain associated with poor choices). This “enabled” him and will most likely come back to bite you in the hind-end. Counseling – and even placement in a mental health facility – will not give you much “bang for your buck.” He needs a painful consequence, not an expensive babysitter. He does need to be stabilized and on some form of medication for his rage, but this can be done as an out-patient. He has attacked both of us...

I am currently disabled and fighting social security. I don't have a credit card, debit etc. I would really like to join the parent support group, unless I can find one that is free. I do have to admit that I have never paid for a support group, nor have I ever charged when I ran my own support groups. But if this is what I have to do, I will. However we go back to original problem, paying. Can you accept a check through the mail? Please let me know as soon as possible. Sincerely, S.S. _____________ Hi S., Online Parent Support is much more than a support group, and there are several reasons why Online Parent Support cost members a one-time fee of $19.99. 1. Cost of advertising and keeping the website up and running 2. You get an eBook 3. You have access to my lectures (live audio recording of my parent group) 4. You have access to all the videos and power point presentations shown during the parent group 5. You have access to 44 additional ebooks -- ...

Alcohol and drugs are a growing danger to our countries young people. The number one cause of car accidents involving teenagers is substance abuse. LEARN MORE

I have a 17-year-old girl who is hanging out with a bad group of kids. She was charged with curfew violation and drinking under the age of 21 20 days ago. I have read your ebook and I thought that maybe things were improving, but last night we let her go out and she was supposed to be home between 11:30 and 12:00. We got a call from the police at 12:00 to come and get her. She had 2 15-year-olds in her truck and there was evidence of alcohol and some pot seeds and stems in her truck. She was again charged with curfew violation and she apparently told the police officer that she would rather be dead. The police officer told my husband that she is hanging out with a really bad crowd. What can I do? My husband and I were talking this morning trying to figure out what has went wrong. Should we move her to a different school? How do we make her stay away from these kids? We both work and this is my very busy time of the year. Please help or give your suggestions. ...

Have you had trouble sleeping lately? Suffer from headaches, stomachaches, or heartburn? Or do you seem to develop one cold after another? Perhaps that's your body's way of reacting to too much stress. Stress is a normal part of life, but working parents with out-of-control teenagers have more than their share. You need to be sure that the stress in your life doesn't adversely affect your health. If you cant fight or flee, learn how to flow. Get Yourself De-Stressed

I was looking for some help with a girl I know. Basically she is a family friend's 13-year-old daughter and is out of control. She doesn’t have any respect for her mum at all, and I don’t think she has any respect for herself. She drinks, smoke, takes drugs regularly, skips school so much that her mum is now faced with a £1000 fine or a month in jail, and I know that she tried self harm once and she has just been told she is suffering form alopetia (hair falling out usually die to stress). My problem is that I have been asked to speak to the girl as her mum is running out of ideas. I’m unsure what to say to the girl. I’m assuming there is a reason for her behaviour (possibly because her mum and dad have been separated since she was young). But I don’t know if I should look for the reason or ask her to change her behaviour (which seems unlikely) or something else? Any ideas on a good starting point ...even how to get her into the conversation as she will either become very d...

We purchased your eBook. The beginning of the book says that ‘things will initially get worse’. Our son is already willing to physically attack us, and we are concerned that the initial period might cause serious damage. Can you help? ______________________ Michael, This is where you are going to have to muster up some tuff. Stick to your guns. Use the strategies just as they are intended. And SHOW NO FEAR! If you feel afraid, "act as if" you are not afraid. If your son knows you are intimidated, he will continue to "rule the roost." If he lays a hand on you, you should immediately call the police and have him arrested. This is not a game. Tough circumstances call for tough measures. You should not have to "live in fear" that issuing a consequence will result in domestic battery. If it gets worse before it gets better (and it sounds like it will), this is a good thing. Think of it as "labor before birth." There will be some emotional ...

Our son is in a long-term mental health facility. We do not know where to turn for advice. His therapist is recommending that we put him into a group home. She does not believe that the treatment he is receiving will have any affect on our family life and that he will never be able to return home. This is frustrating because he is there to get help for his aggression and depression. He feels unloved and we wonder if she is helping him feel that way. Why are we paying these people to help our son when their answer is that there is no hope? We don't know who we should contact or what we can do to help our son and ourselves. We want to be a happy family, but they don't seem to share that goal. We will be visiting him on the 23rd of this month. Can you offer us any guidance on this? Thank you for your support. We look forward to hearing from you soon. M. & D. ______________ Hi M. & D., My day job involves working with teens/pre-teens and their parent...

The younger boy is the kid who is acting out. He's lunging at his older brother and the fight ensues. This boy is also smoking pot, has talked about trying LSD, throws things, ditches school, cussing, has kicked opened my car door so hard then slammed it so hard that the door doesn't close right anymore, etc. He has even stuck me in the arm. I'm at the point where the consequence is calling the police, which I don't want to do. When I've sat down to talk to him, red flags started popping up. I want to get him counseling and anger management help. I don't know where to start. How do I find the kind of help he needs? _____________ Putting out small fires is about 99.99% easier than putting out larger ones. When the fire is as big as you have described, you must have some outside assistance. Calling the police will have little benefit. Out of control kids love intensity, and calling the police will reward his negative behavior. You'll need to go to your l...

Dear Mark, Thank you for the great e-mails. I have a 16 year old, out of control son, that was diagnosed with ODD in September. I had him attend counseling after a series of bad grades in school. He chose to steal 2 games from the local Kmart, refuses to do his homework, refuses to go to bed at night & get up in the morning, and wanders the halls in school. He then in September was expelled for a week from school after he took 2 Ipods from one locker & put them into another. The boy's parents pressed charges & we went to court. He was put on probation for 6 months, has community service, is required to keep his grades up, and wrote an apology letter to the person from which he stole. You would think he would feel some sort of remorse? He sees this as a thorn in his side. Even the class on theft that he will be attending doesn't seem like it is going to make him think. It's like he has no fear. The only things that are important to him are playing his...

I really could use some help with dealing with my 9-year-old son, who may be dealing with this ODD disorder. He is very disrespectful towards myself, and I am his mother, also to his siblings not quite as bad, and a tiny bit with his father. He is fine with his friends and does great in school. I don't feel that physically hitting him is going to make the situation any better and is only making him resent me even more. How can I go about getting an accurate diagnose for his behaviors? Thanks, you may email me @ anytime. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ODD is a psychiatric disorder that is characterized by two different sets of problems. These are aggressiveness and a tendency to purposefully bother and irritate others. It is often the reason that people seek treatment. When ODD is present with ADHD, depression, Tourette's , anxiety disorders, or other neuropsychiatric disorders, it makes life with that child far more difficult. ...

Hi Mark. Have been using your strategies with my younger son (13), who by the way is not a child with tremendous challenges like my eldest son and many of your on-line parents’ children. I have been getting great positive behaviour responses, and I have become comfortable in using your strategies. I can't recall when we have had such great conversations about what he would like to achieve and how he would like to increase his pocket money if he completed extra chores at home. He has moved away from an expected weekly allowance to ensuring he has completed what we agreed to for the money to even looking at other ways he can help me. The only area I am having difficulties is when we recently watched a news report about teenage drinking, and drugs I asked him what he thought about the use of drugs and how they affected people. He answered, “I know all about it” and did not want to talk about it. I can only guess he relates these issues with what his brother is going through an...

Hi Mark, We are finding your book very interesting. I have a question concerning parents and councellors. Often we are told to "butt out", “your daughters disorganization is due to your disorganization.” We were led to believe from one school councellor that our daughter’s difficulties all stemmed from our ADD son and we should have been spending more time with her. Often our daughter speaks with these councellors, we never have access to them except to receive their criticism as our daughter is over the age of 16 and will not allow us to know anything. They will allow us to vent, but we never get any feedback except these blunt comments. As a mom, I cannot take these negative comments much longer. She started with a new councellor about 4 weeks ago and he wants to talk with just me (mom). I have found in past experience that usually in these instances, I get belittled into the ground, but if my husband comes it seems to change the picture. Is this just me o...

Mark, My husband (Pat) and I are excited that we found your website. We have a 15 (almost 16) year old. Oct. 2005 he was diagnosed as bipolar, ADHD, and ODD. He was sent to the state hospital for 2 months to stabilize his moods and meds. He was sent home (failure to comply and interfering with other people's treatment plans). That was a tough time because it was easier to live without him than to live with him at the time. We filed for a CHINS petition (Children in Need of Supervision). He was place on probation and began receiving therapy from another counselor. Here we are a little over a year since he came home. It has been a lot of ups and downs . There have been days when we feel like we couldn't go on and that it would be best for him to be placed in residential treatment. The psychiatrist is still changing his meds. I feel like we're still dealing with the same issues. My son wants to do what he wants, when he wants. He becomes belligerent when h...

I have a 12-year-old daughter who has been diagnosed with numerous conditions (Tourette's ADD, ODD and early onset bi-polar disorder). However, of all these the Oppositional Defiance disorder is giving me a great deal of heartache. She will not do anything I ask (including bathing and general hygiene) is extremely argumentative and annoying with everyone and now has started to refuse to get up and get ready for school. We have reached the lifetime limit for mental health treatment on our insurance. Any help or advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated as I am at the end of my rope. ========== Hi E., My full-time job consists of going to the homes of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. Out of a pure sense of hopelessness, these parents have come to Madison County Juvenile Probation seeking help. They have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional & behavioral problems, but with little or no success. And it seems t...

Please ...is there any advice for my husband and I about his teen daughter with Bipolar and Aspergers. She is completely out of control with her anger and very threatening to my 5-yeard-old and 18-month-old who are her half siblings. Please let me know if there is any free advice anywhere on how to handle being around her and how these situations should be handled. Her mother and father are giving in a lot and it has taken its toll on my children and me. Thank you. --------- Hi S., For info on Bipolar Disorder, please refer to this section of the eBook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/bi-polar For the entire eBook on dealing with out-of-control teens, please click here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl Mark

Hello -- We are new to the My Out of Control Teen and are really impressed with the material. We have an 11-year old that fights physically with other children when he's frustrated or angry and I'm looking for an appropriate punishment. I see in the material that you have lots of suggestions for many things, but I didn't see anything about this specifically. It doesn't happen that often (but it did tonight when he spent a couple of hours with a new neighbor's son), and he's not in the same situation that often so it's hard to deal with it on a regular basis, but when it does happen it's a big enough deal that I want it to stop. Any suggestions would be most welcome. Thank you for providing all of this material and any assistance you can provide. B. ------------- Hi B., The strategy for this particular behavioral problem is in the “Anger Management” chapter, and is entitled “ When You Want Something From Your Kid.” Please refer to this strategy usi...

Mark, The info you have e-mailed me has been very helpful. What a difference it has made just to have someone putting into words what I have been going through. Of course, everyone blames the parents. This is incredibly frustrating and angering, if you let it be this way. I am finally reaching a place where I am not nearly as embarrassed and angry. My child goes out of her way to make sure she embarrasses me publicly at every outing. Her father abused her mentally, and in all other ways. I stayed with him too long and blame myself for a lot of her problems. __________ Hi B., I’m glad you are letting go of some issues and simply taking care of yourself. Good for you. I wish more parents had the insight that you now have. Mark www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com