Hi Mark,
I've just downloaded your book and have already begun to feel a better understanding of what's happening in our home.
In August we moved our family of 2 teenage girls (15 and 16) away from our home in Canada to Europe. Our 16 year old has taken to the move like a duck to water, but our 15 year old is really struggling. About 10 months ago she started hanging out with a bad crowd and 'fell in love' with a bad boy (school drop out, problems with the police, bad home situation). Her behaviour has gone downhill - swearing at me and disrespectful, school marks dropping drastically, dropping out of all her activities. We thought the move to Europe would be a chance for her to 're-set' and get back on a good path, but she is SO angry with me. She won't spend time with us, tells me she hates me and I'm stupid, and won't even look at my husband. Reading your book I recognize that my behaviour has contributed alot to getting her where she is (way too indulgent!).
I'm sure she is not doing well at her new school and that she thinks that if she fails we will send her back 'home' to live. She has this fantasy that we'll pay for her to live in an apartment with her friend. I'm trying to make her focus on building her life here and to stop looking back. What advice do you have to help us get her to move on?
Many thanks,
S.
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Hi S.,
Relocating to a new community may be one of the most stress-producing experiences a family faces. Frequent moves or even a single move can be especially hard on kids and teens. Studies show kids who move frequently are more likely to have problems at school. Moves are even more difficult if accompanied by other significant changes in the youngster's life, such as a death, divorce, loss of family income, or a need to change schools.
Moves interrupt friendships. To a new youngster at school, it may at first seem that everyone else has a best friend or is securely involved with a group of peers. The youngster must get used to a different schedule and curriculum, and may be ahead in certain subjects and behind in others. This situation may make the youngster stressed, anxious or bored.
Kids in kindergarten or first grade may be particularly vulnerable to a family move because developmentally they are just in the process of separating from their parents and adjusting to new authority figures and social relationships. The relocation can interfere with that normal process of separation by causing them to return to a more dependent relationship with their parents.
In general, the older the youngster, the more difficulty he or she will have with the move because of the increasing importance of the peer group. Pre-teens and teenagers may repeatedly protest the move, or ask to stay in their hometown with a friend's family. Some youngsters may not talk about their distress, so parents should be aware of the warning signs of depression, including changes in appetite, social withdrawal, a drop in grades, irritability, sleep disturbances or other dramatic changes in behavior or mood.
Kids who seem depressed by a move may be reacting more to the stress they are experiencing than to the relocation. Sometimes one parent may be against the move, and kids will sense and react to this parental discord.
To make the move easier on kids, parents may take these steps:
· After the move, get involved with the kids in activities of the local church or synagogue, PTA, scouts, YMCA, etc.
· Describe advantages of the new location that the youngster might appreciate such as a lake, mountain or an amusement park.
· Explain clearly to the kids why the move is necessary.
· Familiarize the kids as much as possible with the new area with maps, photographs or the daily newspaper.
· Help kids keep in touch with friends from the previous neighborhood through telephone, letters, e-mail, and personal visits.
· If a son or daughter is a senior in high school, consider the possibility of letting him or her stay with a trusted family until the school year is over.
· Let kids participate in designing or furnishing their room.
The more frequently a family moves - the more important is the need for internal stability. With the proper attention from parents, and professional help if necessary, relocating can be a positive growth experience for kids, leading to increased self-confidence and interpersonal skills.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I bought this book to share with foster carers...
Dear Mark. I am a trainer for foster carers in Royal Kingston-Upon-Thames, UK. As a social worker, I have worked for years with families and foster families trying to manage their out of control teens. I bought this book to share with foster carers and I'll also purchase the CDs to lend out to foster carers.Who knows --- I might still find some tips to use on my grown up children when they offend me!! I love my eldest grandson (16) to bits but he has ADHD and I know how my daughter struggles with his behaviour. This book could help her too.
Could you confirm that it is acceptable under your copyright for me to share with others?
Many thanks
J.
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Hi J.,
Re: Could you confirm that it is acceptable under your copyright for me to share with others?
Yes ...absolutely!
Good luck,
Mark
Online Parent Support
Stepdaughter Hates Stepmother
Hello, before I waste anymore time I thought I'd cut straight to the point and just ask if you cover teens loving in split homes with step-parents. My step-teenager lives one week with her Dad and I, and one week with her mother (and boyfriend). Issues seem to come from the fact that she all of a sudden hates me, even though I've been around for 8 years and she's 15. Do you cover anything like that because every book. Other therapist try to treat me like I'm a "parent" when she does not see me that way, so none of the tactics work. Just curious, as this teen is destroying my marriage and seems to be enjoying herself while she is doing it. Thanks for your time. Sincerely, B.
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Hi B.,
I can promise you that you will benefit from my program.
You are more of a mentor than a mother. You are an adult male in your stepdaughter’s life, much like an aunt, a scout leader or a teacher, but you live under the same roof and sleep with her father. Being one family unit will require careful planning with your husband.
Set rules and boundaries together, but try to disrupt the family karma as little as possible. Decisions about finances need to be made with your partner as well, and not in a vacuum.
One of the major roads to failure as a stepmother is to take on the role of disciplinarian. The teenager tends to resent this new gal with new rules who comes in to disrupt her family. Successful stepmothers and family relations experts suggest that bio-dad should continue his role as the dispenser of discipline when required to maintain some consistency with the children.
Your job as stepmother is to support his role, to make sure he is treated with respect, and to show solidarity. If you disagree with something, discuss it in private and reach a common understanding with your husband so as not to undermine his role.
Don't take rebellion personally. The teenage years are the transition time from dependence as a child to independence as an adult. Rebellion in some form is to be expected from all teens, even in intact families.
So don't get offended when your stepdaughter is rebellious; take it in stride and focus on the behavior exhibited. It is less likely to be focused at you than it is to be focused on their changing world.
If you are consistent, stay within your role, and show that you care about and love her and her dad, the barriers will eventually come down and a positive relationship will become the pattern.
All the above is easier said than done, but very possible none-the-less.
Mark
Children & Sharing
I have a six-year-old very strong willed youngster. She can be so sweet… then she starts grabbing toys out kid’s hands, hitting and kicking. I have her on a chart, and she is doing better. However, she still has problems sharing and getting along with others.
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Perhaps one of the most common complaints that parents have about their young kids is that they find it difficult to get them to share.
Sharing is not something that is innate in a youngster and they will only learn it through your constant observation and guidance. Further more, there is a whole lot of concern about just what a youngster needs to learn how to share and when. Do they always need to share? You can help your youngster learn how to be more discerning with the sharing game if you just pay very close attention and follow some simple concepts.
DON'T EVER FORCE YOUR YOUNGSTER TO SHARE. The whole point of the exercise is lost if you have to force it. This means, don’t threaten them in any way - like telling them they will have to go home, telling them they will miss out on a treat or you will punish them. Not sharing something is a whole different ball game than being willfully mean so the outcomes should also be different.
OWNERSHIP COUNTS. In the greater scheme of things, you have to remember that ownership does really count for something. After all, you don’t go out in the world and give your cell phone, or car to a complete stranger simply because they ask. Try teaching your youngster that it is OK to refuse a request if someone asks for something that they have. This may apply to a bike or a special toy.
Of course, playground rules are a little different. If you are taking along a load of sand pit toys to the park then you may just have to try to explain to your child before you go that other kids are going to want to use them to and you will be sharing them with others. Perhaps you can help them pick out some toys that you will take along that other kids can use and something that they will use. Most importantly, involve them in the process.
If, once you get to the park and it is obvious that your youngster is simply not up to the challenge of sharing their stuff, you don’t have to turn around and come home.
There are things that you can do to help them along. A child doesn’t have the ability to look at things as rationally as you. All they know is that someone else is trying to take away their stuff. In their mind they don’t know if it will ever come back! Try saying something along the lines of, “We are going to share, which car can Johnny have? The red one or the blue one?” In this way, you are introducing the concept of sharing, THEY are making the decision (in a roundabout way) and you are doing it without aggression or force.
IF IT'S GOING TO BE AN ISSUE - LEAVE IT AT HOME! If you know that it is going to be an issue to share a special toy then try to leave it at home. Don’t expect other kids not to want to play with it and don’t expect your youngster to want to share it. Explain, as best as you can, that this is a toy for home. Trust me, other parents will appreciate it much more than you think. After all, how may times have you had to try and explain to a child why they can’t have someone else’s toy?
Above all, don’t expect too much. Sharing is not something that comes naturally and it is not something that is always warranted. Maybe what we should be teaching our kids, is to respect the property of others, that they can’t always have what they want and that it is OK to say no.
Online Parent Support
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Perhaps one of the most common complaints that parents have about their young kids is that they find it difficult to get them to share.
Sharing is not something that is innate in a youngster and they will only learn it through your constant observation and guidance. Further more, there is a whole lot of concern about just what a youngster needs to learn how to share and when. Do they always need to share? You can help your youngster learn how to be more discerning with the sharing game if you just pay very close attention and follow some simple concepts.
DON'T EVER FORCE YOUR YOUNGSTER TO SHARE. The whole point of the exercise is lost if you have to force it. This means, don’t threaten them in any way - like telling them they will have to go home, telling them they will miss out on a treat or you will punish them. Not sharing something is a whole different ball game than being willfully mean so the outcomes should also be different.
OWNERSHIP COUNTS. In the greater scheme of things, you have to remember that ownership does really count for something. After all, you don’t go out in the world and give your cell phone, or car to a complete stranger simply because they ask. Try teaching your youngster that it is OK to refuse a request if someone asks for something that they have. This may apply to a bike or a special toy.
Of course, playground rules are a little different. If you are taking along a load of sand pit toys to the park then you may just have to try to explain to your child before you go that other kids are going to want to use them to and you will be sharing them with others. Perhaps you can help them pick out some toys that you will take along that other kids can use and something that they will use. Most importantly, involve them in the process.
If, once you get to the park and it is obvious that your youngster is simply not up to the challenge of sharing their stuff, you don’t have to turn around and come home.
There are things that you can do to help them along. A child doesn’t have the ability to look at things as rationally as you. All they know is that someone else is trying to take away their stuff. In their mind they don’t know if it will ever come back! Try saying something along the lines of, “We are going to share, which car can Johnny have? The red one or the blue one?” In this way, you are introducing the concept of sharing, THEY are making the decision (in a roundabout way) and you are doing it without aggression or force.
IF IT'S GOING TO BE AN ISSUE - LEAVE IT AT HOME! If you know that it is going to be an issue to share a special toy then try to leave it at home. Don’t expect other kids not to want to play with it and don’t expect your youngster to want to share it. Explain, as best as you can, that this is a toy for home. Trust me, other parents will appreciate it much more than you think. After all, how may times have you had to try and explain to a child why they can’t have someone else’s toy?
Above all, don’t expect too much. Sharing is not something that comes naturally and it is not something that is always warranted. Maybe what we should be teaching our kids, is to respect the property of others, that they can’t always have what they want and that it is OK to say no.
Online Parent Support
Temper Tantrums: Comprehensive Summary, Prevention & Intervention
Temper Tantrums: Comprehensive Summary, Prevention and Intervention
There are 9 different types of temperaments in kids:
- Distractible temperament predisposes the youngster to pay more attention to his or her surroundings than to the caregiver.
- High intensity level temperament moves the youngster to yell, scream, or hit hard when feeling threatened.
- Hyperactive temperament predisposes the youngster to respond with fine- or gross-motor activity.
- Initial withdrawal temperament is found when kids get clingy, shy, and unresponsive in new situations and around unfamiliar people.
- Irregular temperament moves the youngster to escape the source of stress by needing to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom at irregular times when he or she does not really have the need.
- Low sensory threshold temperament is evident when the youngster complains about tight clothes and people staring and refuses to be touched by others.
- Negative mood temperament is found when kids appear lethargic, sad, and lack the energy to perform a task.
- Negative persistent temperament is seen when the youngster seems stuck in his or her whining and complaining.
- Poor adaptability temperament shows itself when kids resist, shut down, and become passive-aggressive when asked to change activities.
Temper tantrums are:
- a normal part of learning independence and mastery
- a sign of frustration that a child can't do something comfortably
- a way a young child lets out strong emotions before he/she is able to express them in socially acceptable ways
- are most common among two and 3-year-olds, which is probably why the phrase "terrible twos" was invented
- are not contagious, although the behavior of those around a tantrum can play into it
- occur in about 80% of children between the ages of 1 and 4
- disruptive or undesirable behavior or emotional outbursts displayed in response to unmet needs or desires, or an inability to control emotions stemming from frustration or difficulty expressing the particular need or desire
- generally begin around age 12-18 months, get worse between 2 and 3 years, then decrease rapidly until age 4, after which they should be seldom seen
- most likely to occur when a child is afraid, overtired, or uncomfortable
- often a cry for help: your child is trying to get your attention
- can be an extremely constructive part of the development of a healthy child
Parents:
- can learn from their child by understanding the situation that caused the temper tantrum to erupt
- can learn how to nurture and discipline effectively
- may be tempted to be loud or angry, but tantrums are a time to be calm
- may need to hug their child who is crying, and say they will always love him or her no matter what, but that the behavior has to change
- may understand what a toddler says only 50 percent of the time
- need to understand that temper tantrums are a normal part of early child development
- often take the blame if their toddlers seem out of control
- should choose which situations call for limits and which can be overlooked
- should notify their child’s physician if the tantrums increase in intensity, the child holds their breath or faints during tantrums, the child’s behaviors are destructive, the child often hurts themselves or other people, the child displays signs of a mood disorder
- should try to catch their children doing something good and compliment them several times a day
Young children don't have evil plans to frustrate or embarrass their parents. All young children from time to time will whine, complain, resist, cling, argue, hit, shout, run, and defy their teachers and parents. Temper tantrums, although normal, can become upsetting to teachers and parents because they are embarrassing, challenging, and difficult to manage. When children’s need for independence collides with the parents’ and teachers’ needs for safety and conformity, the conditions are perfect for a power struggle and a temper tantrum.
Control—
They want independence and self-control to explore their environment. To give your child a sense of control, let him or her make appropriate choices. Give children control over little things whenever possible by giving choices. Try to intervene before the child is out of control.
Attention—
After your child quiets down, you might say, “I noticed your behavior, but that won't get my attention.”
Prevention for Parents—
It is much easier to prevent temper tantrums than it is to manage them once they have erupted. Here are some tips for preventing temper tantrums and some things you can say:
- Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.”
- Change environments, thus removing the youngster from the source of the temper tantrum. Say, “Let’s go for a walk.”
- Choose your battles. Teach kids how to make a request without a temper tantrum and then honor the request. Say, “Try asking for that toy nicely and I’ll get it for you.”
- Create a safe environment that kids can explore without getting into trouble. Childproof your home or classroom so kids can explore safely.
- Distract kids by redirection to another activity when they tantrum over something they should not do or cannot have. Say, “Let’s read a book together.”
- Do not ask kids to do something when they must do what you ask. Do not ask, “Would you like to eat now?” Say, “It’s suppertime now.”
- Establish routines and traditions that add structure. For teachers, start class with a sharing time and opportunity for interaction.
- Give kids control over little things whenever possible by giving choices. A little bit of power given to the youngster can stave off the big power struggles later. “Which do you want to do first, brush your teeth or put on your pajamas?”
- Increase your tolerance level. Are you available to meet the youngster’s reasonable needs? Evaluate how many times you say, “No.” Avoid fighting over minor things.
- Keep a sense of humor to divert the youngster’s attention and surprise the youngster out of the tantrum.
- Keep off-limit objects out of sight and therefore out of mind. In an art activity keep the scissors out of reach if kids are not ready to use them safely.
- Make sure that kids are well rested and fed in situations in which a temper tantrum is a likely possibility. Say, “Supper is almost ready, here’s a cracker for now.”
- Provide pre-academic, behavioral, and social challenges that are at the youngster’s developmental level so that the youngster does not become frustrated.
- Reward kids for positive attention rather than negative attention. During situations when they are prone to temper tantrums, catch them when they are being good and say such things as, “Nice job sharing with your friend.”
- Signal kids before you reach the end of an activity so that they can get prepared for the transition. Say, “When the timer goes off 5 minutes from now it will be time to turn off the TV and go to bed.”
- When visiting new places or unfamiliar people explain to the youngster beforehand what to expect. Say, “Stay with your assigned buddy in the museum.”
Intervention for Parents—
There are a number of ways to handle a temper tantrum. Strategies include the following:
- Hold the youngster who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or herself or someone else. Let the youngster know that you will let him or her go as soon as he or she calms down. Reassure the youngster that everything will be all right, and help the youngster calm down. Parents may need to hug their youngster who is crying, and say they will always love him or her no matter what, but that the behavior has to change. This reassurance can be comforting for a youngster who may be afraid because he or she lost control.
- If the youngster has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above, then you may need to direct the youngster to time-out (see “Resources”). If you are in a public place, carry your youngster outside or to the car. Tell the youngster that you will go home unless he or she calms down. In school warn the youngster up to three times that it is necessary to calm down and give a reminder of the rule. If the youngster refuses to comply, then place him or her in time-out for no more than 1 minute for each year of age.
- Remain calm and do not argue with the youngster. Before you manage the youngster, you must manage your own behavior. Spanking or yelling at the youngster will make the tantrum worse.
- Talk with the youngster after the youngster has calmed down. When the youngster stops crying, talk about the frustration the youngster has experienced. Try to help solve the problem if possible. For the future, teach the youngster new skills to help avoid temper tantrums such as how to ask appropriately for help and how to signal a parent or teacher that the he or she knows they need to go to “time away” to “stop, think, and make a plan.” Teach the youngster how to try a more successful way of interacting with a peer or sibling, how to express his or her feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.
- Think before you act. Count to 10 and then think about the source of the youngster’s frustration, this youngster’s characteristic temperamental response to stress (hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness), and the predictable steps in the escalation of the temper tantrum.
- Try to intervene before the youngster is out of control. Get down at the youngster’s eye level and say, “You are starting to get revved up, slow down.” Now you have several choices of intervention.
- You can ignore the tantrum if it is being thrown to get your attention. Once the youngster calms down, give the attention that is desired.
- You can place the youngster in time away. Time away is a quiet place where the youngster goes to calm down, think about what he or she needs to do, and, with your help, make a plan to change the behavior.
- You can positively distract the youngster by getting the youngster focused on something else that is an acceptable activity. For example, you might remove the unsafe item and replace with an age-appropriate toy.
Post-Tantrum Management—
- Do not reward the youngster after a tantrum for calming down. Some kids will learn that a temper tantrum is a good way to get a treat later.
- Explain to the youngster that there are better ways to get what he or she wants.
- Never let the temper tantrum interfere with your otherwise positive relationship with the youngster.
- Never, under any circumstances, give in to a tantrum. That response will only increase the number and frequency of the tantrums.
- Teach the youngster that anger is a feeling that we all have and then teach her ways to express anger constructively.
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Daughter's First Experiment With Drugs
Mark-
I have a 16-year-old daughter whom I have always spoken honestly to about sex, drugs, and the dangers that exist in the outside world. I feel that I have always done as I should to be a responsible parent. Recently, she told me she and her friends tried pot. I explained that this was not acceptable but assured her that we understand that peer pressure can be a horrible thing. We again discussed ways to avoid drugs and reinforced our love and devotion to her, but made it quite clear that this behavior is not in any way acceptable to us. To my surprise she started to cry.
I explained that I was thankful she was honest and glad that she felt she could talk to us. I knew she felt bad and told her there was no punishment because I knew she was feeling worse than she has in her life. I also explained that this is her first try and last - that punishment would be swift and stern if she ever thought of doing this again. My question is - what should my next move be, and how can I stop feeling as if I let her down in some way since she seemed to lack the will power to say No?
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A very straightforward way to help her is to restrict her interaction with peers who use drugs. Steer her towards an alternative group of peers who are more involved in activities that require sharpness and aptitude. Tell her that she can blame the restriction on you (this will help her save face with peers), but that she absolutely may not be out with drug using friends.
It is not a moral failing that your daughter lacked the will power to say no. But it tells you that she may be at risk for addiction because she wanted to say no and couldn't. You will need to stay on this issue until you are sure that the two of you (or better yet, the whole family) have put enough structure in place for your 16-year-old to be safe.
It will take both of you (and maybe the whole family) to make a partnership so that she can say "no." Ask her how you can help her with his will power.
Let go of your guilt! It is healthy to feel guilt if you intentionally did something wrong, but it seems that you did the best you could at the time to prepare your daughter to refuse drugs. If you are busy soul-searching and self-blaming, you will miss a very important step, which is to continue developing your alliance with your daughter.
Make sure that adults supervise her whenever she goes out. This will require you to call the parents of her friends. It will give you a chance to network and to find other parents who are like-minded.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
Signs of a Pot Head
Mark-
I think my daughter still smokes a bit of pot, nothing like before, but she has been losing about 37 pounds in the last month, suffering anxiety attacks, back pain, etc. What should I be looking for?
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Marijuana is usually smoked using cigarette rolling papers, a purchased water bong, or a makeshift bong that can be made from a variety of items. Hash can be smoked or eaten, and is sometimes cooked into baked goods.
What to look for:
· Bloodshot eyes
· Cigarette rolling papers
· Dilated (large) pupils
· Pipes, bongs, homemade smoking devices (you may see sticky residue from burned marijuana)
· Reduced motivation
· Seeds that have been cleaned from marijuana
· Sleepy appearance
· Smell on clothing, in room, or in car
Generally it can be difficult to recognize marijuana use if you don't see your child after smoking when she is still experiencing the effects of the drug.
Mark
Online Parent Support
There are way too many out of control kids out here...
Hello Mark,
I wrote to you a few weeks ago regarding my grandson that we had guardianship of. My grandson was in the hall since Sept. 18 and we went to court yesterday. His mother agreed to take him back to Los Angeles. The judge obviously did not read anything about his past history. He shocked us by telling the court audience that we "failed" Logan and terminated our guardianship. The judge reduced his 3 misdemeanors to 2; 21 days served in the hall is done and 6 months probation and his case is being transferred to Riverside County and said that Logan is now their problem. I guarantee that Logan and his mother will have a big argument within one week or sooner, because he has not learned a thing except to bully adults.
What I've seen the public defenders do is plea bargain serious offenses (felonies) down to misdemeanors so the kids do not have to spend time in the hall due to overcrowding. There is no offer of classes like you have or counseling for either parents or children. The deputies do not like dealing with juvenile probation; public defenders do not like dealing with parents and keep us in the dark and the kids get to make their own decisions regarding their pleas.
My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court? Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble? Is your program in other states juvenile systems?
Our biggest problems here in central California is drugs and gangs. A 12 year old boy just shot and killed his 76 year old grandmother. He was probably expelled from school because he had "problems" in school and was being home schooled by grandma. They got into an altercation and he shot her. If there could be an intervention when teachers see the ODD behavior, parents could take your course early enough to turn the kid around. Logan has been acting out since kindergarten. By 6th grade, his teacher wanted to kick him out of class, so I took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with ADD and was put on Concerta which helped some. I don't agree now that kids need to be put on drugs to control behavior. It's too late for us and Logan?
There are way too many out of control kids out here. I really feel sorry for teachers, because they have to deal with a lot of students acting out. What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?
Thanks for listening.
M.
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Hi M.,
Re: My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court?
Most parents (90% +) are able to avoid involving their child in the system at all. Those who attend the live group – or join OPS – after their juvenile is already on probation greatly cut down on the length of time he/she is on probation. Plus the juvenile whose parent is using these strategies tends to violate probation much less than those in the control group.
Re: Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble?
Some are court-ordered – most are not.
Re: Is your program in other states juvenile systems?
Only Indiana currently. But I hope to branch out as my Higher Power leads me to do so.
Re: It's too late for us and Logan?
It’s never too late.
Re: What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?
Tell them to Google for www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com …then they can see for themselves whether or not the program is of any value to them.
Mark
I wrote to you a few weeks ago regarding my grandson that we had guardianship of. My grandson was in the hall since Sept. 18 and we went to court yesterday. His mother agreed to take him back to Los Angeles. The judge obviously did not read anything about his past history. He shocked us by telling the court audience that we "failed" Logan and terminated our guardianship. The judge reduced his 3 misdemeanors to 2; 21 days served in the hall is done and 6 months probation and his case is being transferred to Riverside County and said that Logan is now their problem. I guarantee that Logan and his mother will have a big argument within one week or sooner, because he has not learned a thing except to bully adults.
What I've seen the public defenders do is plea bargain serious offenses (felonies) down to misdemeanors so the kids do not have to spend time in the hall due to overcrowding. There is no offer of classes like you have or counseling for either parents or children. The deputies do not like dealing with juvenile probation; public defenders do not like dealing with parents and keep us in the dark and the kids get to make their own decisions regarding their pleas.
My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court? Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble? Is your program in other states juvenile systems?
Our biggest problems here in central California is drugs and gangs. A 12 year old boy just shot and killed his 76 year old grandmother. He was probably expelled from school because he had "problems" in school and was being home schooled by grandma. They got into an altercation and he shot her. If there could be an intervention when teachers see the ODD behavior, parents could take your course early enough to turn the kid around. Logan has been acting out since kindergarten. By 6th grade, his teacher wanted to kick him out of class, so I took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with ADD and was put on Concerta which helped some. I don't agree now that kids need to be put on drugs to control behavior. It's too late for us and Logan?
There are way too many out of control kids out here. I really feel sorry for teachers, because they have to deal with a lot of students acting out. What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?
Thanks for listening.
M.
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Hi M.,
Re: My question to you is--what is the recidivism of children returning to the system after the parents have taken your course at Superior Court?
Most parents (90% +) are able to avoid involving their child in the system at all. Those who attend the live group – or join OPS – after their juvenile is already on probation greatly cut down on the length of time he/she is on probation. Plus the juvenile whose parent is using these strategies tends to violate probation much less than those in the control group.
Re: Are the parents required to take your course when the child first gets in trouble?
Some are court-ordered – most are not.
Re: Is your program in other states juvenile systems?
Only Indiana currently. But I hope to branch out as my Higher Power leads me to do so.
Re: It's too late for us and Logan?
It’s never too late.
Re: What can I do to get your message out there to wake up the authorities and parents about your program?
Tell them to Google for www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com …then they can see for themselves whether or not the program is of any value to them.
Mark
College Student Needs To Learn How To Budget
Hi mark
Y___ at college…
She entitled to £30.p/week as student, which goes into her bank account although at present isn't yet receiving as late application. X gives her money every week I just give her on daily basis as required to get to college and lunch when she runs out. X gives more than required for college so she uses for going out, rubbish food, clothes (you name it). She has stolen quite substantial sums of money from myself and x without consistent consequences in the past, im quite observant and careful so have received it back if caught before spending but x isn't aware half the time and leaves money around for easy picking, she has been sacked or walked out on p/t jobs, and is determined not to work as she knows that she owes a lot of money to various folk. When she committed these mentioned acts I said she needs to pay us all back.
On assignment 1 put into place chores, so should I start paying for these? But she has been reasonably good, as I comment on her helpful acts, but admittedly, not always.
Not sure how to go about grant money. Because she abuses money and uses for her needs.... has not learnt self-reliance.
K.
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You will want to follow the recommendations in “The Art of Saying Yes” and in “The Art of Saying No”.
Bottom line: This is a golden opportunity for your daughter to learn how to budget. The basics of budgeting are the same for students as they are for anybody else: list the sources of income, such as savings from summer jobs, financial support from parents, financial aid from the school, scholarships, and income from a job. Then list expenses, such as tuition, books, groceries, gas, entertainment, etc., in as much detail as possible. Make a budget worksheet.
If expenses are less than income, she’s in good shape as long as she sticks to a spending plan. If expenses are MORE than income, she needs to find ways to cut spending or increase your income.
Throwing money at her will NOT teach budgeting – and a college degree is no guarantee of an ability to manage money wisely. It takes effort and discipline, and the time to start is now. So keep this larger goal of “teaching her how to budget” in the back of your mind.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Y___ at college…
She entitled to £30.p/week as student, which goes into her bank account although at present isn't yet receiving as late application. X gives her money every week I just give her on daily basis as required to get to college and lunch when she runs out. X gives more than required for college so she uses for going out, rubbish food, clothes (you name it). She has stolen quite substantial sums of money from myself and x without consistent consequences in the past, im quite observant and careful so have received it back if caught before spending but x isn't aware half the time and leaves money around for easy picking, she has been sacked or walked out on p/t jobs, and is determined not to work as she knows that she owes a lot of money to various folk. When she committed these mentioned acts I said she needs to pay us all back.
On assignment 1 put into place chores, so should I start paying for these? But she has been reasonably good, as I comment on her helpful acts, but admittedly, not always.
Not sure how to go about grant money. Because she abuses money and uses for her needs.... has not learnt self-reliance.
K.
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You will want to follow the recommendations in “The Art of Saying Yes” and in “The Art of Saying No”.
Bottom line: This is a golden opportunity for your daughter to learn how to budget. The basics of budgeting are the same for students as they are for anybody else: list the sources of income, such as savings from summer jobs, financial support from parents, financial aid from the school, scholarships, and income from a job. Then list expenses, such as tuition, books, groceries, gas, entertainment, etc., in as much detail as possible. Make a budget worksheet.
If expenses are less than income, she’s in good shape as long as she sticks to a spending plan. If expenses are MORE than income, she needs to find ways to cut spending or increase your income.
Throwing money at her will NOT teach budgeting – and a college degree is no guarantee of an ability to manage money wisely. It takes effort and discipline, and the time to start is now. So keep this larger goal of “teaching her how to budget” in the back of your mind.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Teacher Picking On Student?
Mark, I am into the second week of the program and have made some progress with my son. However, he has a teacher that seems to have the ability to reverse in one 45 minute class period what took me 3 days to accomplish. It frustrates the hell out of me. About a month ago my son had a hernia repair operation and missed one week of school to recover. That seems to be where things started to break down. She failed to send his assignments like the other teachers did and gave him zeros on the assignments he missed. I have lodged several complaints with the school about this. In short, there seems to be constant tension between the two. She calls me almost daily complaining about misbehavior in her class and sends him to the principal's office. Here are some of the "offenses" he has committed that results in him getting put on detention. "He rolled his eyes at me." "He gave me a funny look." "He wouldn't answer a question when called on."
Mark, he has no problems with any of his other teachers and is doing quite well in his other classes. I believe he feels like he is getting picked on by her and singled out. I have asked the school to move him to another class. However, they so far have refused. I certainly don't want his problems in her class to affect his other classes and desperately am trying to find a solution. He is very upset about this class. Any suggestions? Thanks, R.
Click here for my response...
He threw me against the wall and then threatened to kill me in my sleep...
Hi V.,
==> I've responded throughout your email below:
==> Ooops! Not a good move. This is the beginning of a power struggle.
Whenever a child introduces new problems on top of an existing one, parents should put the new problem in the "deal-with-it-later" file. Please review Q & A - On Discipline [under "The Art of Saying No" - Session #2 - online version of eBook].
Anyway, I am sticking to the rules, and he tried all sorts of things to get me to change my mind (swearing, screaming, saying it was life or death if he couldn't access the internet - mind you, he couldn't explain why). I remained calm and explained he chose to breach the rules, therefore he chose the consequences.
In the end, he stood in my way and when I tried to go past him, he threw me against the wall and then threatened to kill me in my sleep. I calmly told him his bullying will not work, and that he has now lost the phone for 48 hrs for threatening me.
My question is this: do I go to the police to report him? Or do I warn him I will do that if he is violent again?
==> Warn one time, then follow through with calling the police if it happens again. The cops can't do much, but you don't want to model for your son that it is O.K. to engage in domestic battery (which IS illegal).
(He physically shoved me just when I started this program, and he had his phone taken.)
I don't want to give him attention for his bad behaviour, or look scared, like I need police protection.
==> Good move!
If the police start to get involved, he will get a caution I guess, but not much more given he is 15 yrs. He is likely to be scared initially but then his bravado might increase when he realises that they can't do much to him.
Is he more likely to give up this behaviour with consequences that I impose (clearly the phone disabling and internet being cut off is very painful for him), or by involving the law?
==> Stick with your consequences (and use the deal-with-it-later file), but also involve authorities when your son becomes violent.
I would appreciate your advice, and thank you for your support thus far, it has been invaluable in giving me the strength to keep going.
Vicky
==> You're welcome.
Mark
Online Parent Support
==> I've responded throughout your email below:
Hi Mark,
The new rules worked for a couple of days. K didn't sleep after school, did his homework and showed it to me and got off the internet on time. This was nothing short of a miracle, and showed me yet again, how the program really changes behaviour.
Then he breached the internet limit time (I did give him a couple of reminders, so he did this on purpose). Consequence = lost internet access for 24 hrs. Then he wouldn't show me his homework - so his phone has been disabled for 24 hrs.
==> Ooops! Not a good move. This is the beginning of a power struggle.
Whenever a child introduces new problems on top of an existing one, parents should put the new problem in the "deal-with-it-later" file. Please review Q & A - On Discipline [under "The Art of Saying No" - Session #2 - online version of eBook].
Anyway, I am sticking to the rules, and he tried all sorts of things to get me to change my mind (swearing, screaming, saying it was life or death if he couldn't access the internet - mind you, he couldn't explain why). I remained calm and explained he chose to breach the rules, therefore he chose the consequences.
In the end, he stood in my way and when I tried to go past him, he threw me against the wall and then threatened to kill me in my sleep. I calmly told him his bullying will not work, and that he has now lost the phone for 48 hrs for threatening me.
My question is this: do I go to the police to report him? Or do I warn him I will do that if he is violent again?
(He physically shoved me just when I started this program, and he had his phone taken.)
I don't want to give him attention for his bad behaviour, or look scared, like I need police protection.
If the police start to get involved, he will get a caution I guess, but not much more given he is 15 yrs. He is likely to be scared initially but then his bravado might increase when he realises that they can't do much to him.
Is he more likely to give up this behaviour with consequences that I impose (clearly the phone disabling and internet being cut off is very painful for him), or by involving the law?
I would appreciate your advice, and thank you for your support thus far, it has been invaluable in giving me the strength to keep going.
Vicky
Mark
Online Parent Support
I just have this calming feeling that we are going to be ok...
Good morning Mark;
Just started reading your Ebook and WOW, even if my daughter who is 14 is not as bad as some, just dealing with small issues compared to some, I just have this calming feeling that we are going to be ok and I started the techniques from Assignment 1 and already can see a look of astonishment on my daughters face.
So on that note - Thank you and I am looking forward to what else the program has to offer.
Thanks Mark, everything you state just in the first 30 odd pages hit the nail on the head!
Have a wonderful day - because my daughter and I will try too!
J.
Online Parent Support
Just started reading your Ebook and WOW, even if my daughter who is 14 is not as bad as some, just dealing with small issues compared to some, I just have this calming feeling that we are going to be ok and I started the techniques from Assignment 1 and already can see a look of astonishment on my daughters face.
So on that note - Thank you and I am looking forward to what else the program has to offer.
Thanks Mark, everything you state just in the first 30 odd pages hit the nail on the head!
Have a wonderful day - because my daughter and I will try too!
J.
Online Parent Support
Daughter Hates Father
Mark,
Things have been going great and my 14 year old daughter A___ was even going to school on time and her overall behaviour was on the up until the school told me that in the past 3 weeks she has not been going, to cut a long story short she went to her dads this weekend < we are divorced and he has re married> And she told her dad to fuck off and walked out the house saying she does not have a dad anymore. All because they were having a chat about her not going to school and why. She has not been away having fun with friends but been staying in her room on her own.
My ex and his wife are both a great help and we all get on very well and all talk often about A___.
This past week she has changed a lot, in the past if I ground her for the day, she puts up a fight but wont go over the door, this week she has gone out anyway and comes back when she pleases.
I have a very open relationship with her and always tell her and show her how much I love her. I feel in a way she seems to be lost and not sure were her place in the family is now with her dad remarried and I am engaged.
But then again I might be wrong. We have some very long chats and think we are getting somewhere and then she goes and does her own thing no matter how it can hurt anyone else or put anyone out.
A little about A___.... until she went to high school she was a sweet little girl that all the teachers loved and said she was a pleasure to have in her class, but always chatty and outgoing. Would go out her way to help in anyway she could. She was always leaving me wee notes saying how much she loved me and would leave me her last sweet.
In second year at high school her dad and I went to parents night at the school and were shocked at what the teachers were saying about A___ as at home and at her dads she was just the same girl. Then things seemed to get bad with her i.e. drinking swearing and her makeup was thick and started going out with boys. But I do believe she was only had kisses and cuddles. She has turned into a hard nut with a foul mouth and talks as common as she can.
She says she hates school …hates her dad and hates her brothers …her world is her friends and no one else matters and if they dare cross her she is not shy in letting them now, police teachers or her parents.
Yesterday at her dads was like another bad turn with her because if she was on her best behaviour it was always with her dad.
I’m sorry if im rambling but trying to set a picture for you in hope u have a magic wand and give me the answer to get her back on track and see she does well at school and does not have this hate for everyone.
L.
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Hi L.,
Re: school.
Please refer to the section of the eBook entitled “Read These Email From Exasperated Parents” [online version – session #4].
Re: I feel in a way she seems to be lost and not sure were her place in the family is now with her dad remarried and I am engaged.
Many studies have reported that children of divorced parents experience more problems in adjustment than children who grow up in intact families. Much of the research suggests that children of divorce are more likely to have more difficulties in school and to be more sexually active, more aggressive, more anxious, more withdrawn, less prosocial, more depressed, and more likely to abuse substances and participate in delinquent acts than their peers from intact families.
Despite many adjustment difficulties, adolescents show some positive changes such as an impressive development of maturity and moral growth, a more realistic understanding of finances, and a chance to experience new family roles and responsibilities.
Most children's adjustment problems occur within the first two years following their parent's divorce or remarriage. Research indicates that while behavior problems are common at the time of divorce, they typically diminish as time passes. Most children will eventually adapt successfully to this life transition and have no long-term ill effects.
Adolescent adjustment (absence of depression, low levels of deviant behaviors, and academic achievement) is influenced by many factors within the adolescents' primary residence. These factors include a feeling of closeness to the residential parent, effective parental monitoring, joint decision-making between the adolescent and parent regarding household rules and youth activities, and low parent-child conflict. Activities that reflect effective parenting include providing warmth and support, assisting with problems, providing encouragement, setting and explaining standards, monitoring, and enforcing discipline.
Also, cooperative, mutually supportive, low conflict co-parenting relationships are advantageous for both children and adults. Other family process variables such as the maintenance of parent involvement, successful manipulation of the logistics of co-parenting (e.g., maintaining schedules, visitation, communication, decision-making), and the coordination of parenting roles and values are important mechanisms for reducing the stress of both parents and children.
Recommendations—
· Attempt to keep the changes that you can control in your adolescent's life to a minimum.
· Be aware of your adjustment or becoming depressed. Seek help from professionals if you need it.
· Continue to be a parent to your child rather than turning into a friend.
· Maintain a feeling of closeness with your teen, use effective parental monitoring, allow them to make decisions with you regarding their activities—aim for low parent-child conflict, and strive for organization and predictable routines in your household.
· Reduce inter-parental conflict. If possible, cooperatively parent with your child's other parent. Speak positively about your child's other parent in front of the child and do not place the child in the middle. For example, having your child spy on the other parent or using visitation rights as a bargaining tool undermines the confidence your child has with the other parent and strains his or her emotional well-being.
· Refrain from burdening your adolescent with your problems or using your teen as a confidant. Allow your adolescent to remain a teenager.
· The father needs to participate in important activities like forming morals, helping to solve problems, enforcing consistent discipline, and reinforcing appropriate behavior.
· Use effective parenting by providing encouragement and emotional support, establishing and explaining standards for conduct, and administering consistent discipline.
Mark
Mother Calls Police on Daughter
Hi Mark,
Thought I was doing great! However Y___ got very angry about me taking her phone when she was keeping her sister and me awake… I was calm and said she could have it in the morning but on following me downstairs hurled verbal abuse etc when I wouldn't give phone back …eventually when other daughter started screaming at both of us Y___ threatened me and took out pair of scissors and hit me and thumped me, I replied that if she hit me again I would call the police, ultimately I had to. She disappeared and the police have charged her with assault. I kept a poker face and kept saying "I’m not arguing" …my x is aghast at me for calling police and wants me to retract. I’m not. I guess in hindsight what I didn’t do is give her enough warning before taking phone. Didn’t want to call police but she seems to loose control …how can I alleviate this …I tried to be clear …I was VERY CALM COOL AND COLLECTED, which she didn't like.
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Things do seem to get worse before they get better. But you're on track. I can see you are working the program. Thanks for being a good student.
Re: … how can I alleviate this?
Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [online version – session #3].
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
Thought I was doing great! However Y___ got very angry about me taking her phone when she was keeping her sister and me awake… I was calm and said she could have it in the morning but on following me downstairs hurled verbal abuse etc when I wouldn't give phone back …eventually when other daughter started screaming at both of us Y___ threatened me and took out pair of scissors and hit me and thumped me, I replied that if she hit me again I would call the police, ultimately I had to. She disappeared and the police have charged her with assault. I kept a poker face and kept saying "I’m not arguing" …my x is aghast at me for calling police and wants me to retract. I’m not. I guess in hindsight what I didn’t do is give her enough warning before taking phone. Didn’t want to call police but she seems to loose control …how can I alleviate this …I tried to be clear …I was VERY CALM COOL AND COLLECTED, which she didn't like.
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Things do seem to get worse before they get better. But you're on track. I can see you are working the program. Thanks for being a good student.
Re: … how can I alleviate this?
Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [online version – session #3].
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
Re: Children & PTSD
I'm new and need help. My husband and I adopted our two biological grandsons who both have significant mental health issues. The oldest lives with us and he is 12. The 10 year old lives in the same city as us but in a therapeutic foster home.
Oops. Didn't know that pressing enter would send what I wrote so far. Anyway, the 12 year old has PTSD.
The 12 year old has PTSD (from domestic violence relationship between bio parents), ODD, ADHD, Bipolar disorder, and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He has been in residential treatment and now home for 7 months. He is now in a day treatment facility and is starting to transition to his home school. That is definitely a step in the right direction. I would say the biggest problem we have is the ODD. We just can't seem to get through to him. We are wits end.
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Abuse of kids is increasing in the United States and may be the most common cause of interpersonal traumas and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in kids and teens. Developmental Traumatology, the systematic investigation of the psychiatric and psychobiological impact of overwhelming and chronic interpersonal violence (abuse in childhood) on the developing child, is a relatively new area of study that synthesizes knowledge from an array of scientific fields including: developmental psychopathology, developmental neuroscience, and stress and trauma research.
One active area of research involves the effects of abuse and related stressors on major body stress response systems such as the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, the catecholamine system (the locus ceruleus (LC)- norepinephrine (NE) /sympathetic nervous system (SNS)) and the immune system and the subsequent effects of chronic stress on brain development. To investigate these relationships, researchers at Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic have begun to gather data using physiological measures to capture changes is the stress response system. To capture changes in brain development, imaging technology is being used, which provides a non-invasive way to examine differences in brain morphology and physiology.
Results from recent research at the Institute's Developmental Traumatology Laboratory suggest that the overwhelming stress of abuse experiences in childhood is associated with alterations of biological stress systems and with adverse influences on brain development.
In one study, 18 prepubertal abused kids with PTSD and non-traumatized kids with DSM-111-R overanxious disorder (N=10) and healthy controls (N=24) underwent 24 hour urine collection for measurements of urinary free cortisol (UFC), a reflection of HPA axis regulation, and urinary catecholarnine excretion. Abused subjects with PTSD excreted significantly greater amounts of UFC and catecholamines than non-abused controls. These biological stress measures correlated positively with duration of the PTSD trauma and symptoms of intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and hyperarousal.
In a second study, 43 abused kids and teens with PTSD and 61 matched controls underwent comprehensive clinical assessments and an anatomical magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) brain scan. Abused subjects with PTSD had 7.0 % smaller intracranial and 8.0% smaller cerebral volumes than matched controls. The total midsagital area of corpus callosum, the major interconnection between the two hemispheres that is broadly conceptualized as facilitating intercortical communication, and the middle and posterior regions of the corpus callosum, were smaller in abused subjects.
In contrast, right, left, and total lateral ventricles were proportionally larger than controls, after adjustment for intracranial volume. Intracranial volume robustly correlated positively with age of onset of PTSD trauma (i.e., smaller brains were associated with earlier onset of trauma) and negatively with duration of abuse. Symptoms of intrusive thoughts, avoidance, hyperarousal and dissociation correlated positively with ventricular volume, and negatively with intracranial volume and total corpus callosurn and regional measures. The decreased hippocampal volume reported in adult PTSD was not found in these subjects.
These data suggest that chronically abused kids with a diagnosis of PTSD manifest alterations of major biological stress systems including adverse influences on brain development. Although based on a cross sectional analysis, and thus causation cannot be proven, these findings are intriguing and may have important social policy and treatment implications. Elucidating the biological sequelae and mechanisms of symptom production in PTSD and associated comorbid psychiatric disorders will pave the way to better clinical and social treatment of abused kids. Accordingly, prospective longitudinal studies in Developmental Traumatology are critical to the effort to develop early interventions to attenuate the psychobiological dysregulation and adverse effects on brain development associated with abuse.
What should be my course of action?
Hi Mark
An update on my situation here with my son. He is living with 2 other people now in a townhouse. A friend of my son's mother signed the lease for him. I asked her not to get involved because we were trying to work with him (using your program) to get him back on track. She told him that if he didn't like it here with us that he could move in with her and her family. So when we were do the program he jumped ship and went there. 3 weeks after being at her place he was looking for his own and needed a an adult to sign the lease, this "lovely women" who say she loves him and wants to adopt him stepped up to the plate. Just before he moved out he was doing drugs with one of her kid and had a bad trip and came running home for help because he was afraid that he was dying. We got him into the crisis/detox centre and the "lovely women" went and got him. A week later he moved to his own place. I know that he is into drugs heavy duty now. My husband is getting weekly calls from him to see if they can do something together, before he wouldn't even go any where with his dad and now he phones to see what they can do together. I am taking your advice keeping my conversation to 30 seconds and no more after he ran out and left the counselling session 3 weeks ago. The counsellor has the attitude that we should just let him run wild and see what happens. How can you as a parent sit back and watch your child destroy himself? He told me that I should continue the counselling session because the warning lights are going off when I was seeing the behaviour change in this kid and I need to resolve what went on in my home as a child. I came from an alcohlic family physically and verbally abusive, both parents and I raised my brother (we are very close, he phones every night to talk to me before he goes to bed). The counsellor told me his kid does drugs, okay is the whole world gone nuts? I thank God that I saw the warning lights going off! The kids living in the townhouse are going to university, it is just a matter of time now I think before they kick his butt to the curb. I think he will have no place to go. Everyone knows what he is up to. If he should ask to come home what should be my course of action? Rehab, not hang around the friends etc. and how do I convince him to want to go to rehab?... How do I get this kid back? Or do they ever come back?
On Monday, I received a call from a mother of one of his old friends named S___. This friend was in jail and is in a halfway house now, he had gotten into a fight and the kid died from the fight and he went to jail. One of the kids in the townhouse that lives with my son hangs around a kid named Jim. Jim saw S___ and told him that my son is going down the wrong road and that nobody can believe what has happened to this kid with so much potential, that it is unbelievable. S___ begged his mother to call me and to see if they can help in any way to get this kid back. S___ has changed his life around and the mother said he doesn't want what happened to him to happen to my son. S___ wants to meet with him soon, my boy always looked up to S___ and copied him ie. dress, mannerisms etc. The mother said she prayed for 2 hours before she called me asking God for strength and that I would be open to talking to her. Do you think that this meeting will help at all? S___ is trying to arrange the meeting with his social worker to sit in on it as well. Any help and insight from you would be greatly appreciated. Hey the program was working until he called her to move in.
Thanks A.
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Hi A.,
Re: If he should ask to come home what should be my course of action?
You'll want to draft a behavioral contract that stipulates (a) the house rules and (b) the consequences for violating each house rule. Be very specific. Click Here for more info on contracts.
Re: Do you think that this meeting will help at all?
I don't know. It's worth a shot though.
Mark
Online Parent Support
An update on my situation here with my son. He is living with 2 other people now in a townhouse. A friend of my son's mother signed the lease for him. I asked her not to get involved because we were trying to work with him (using your program) to get him back on track. She told him that if he didn't like it here with us that he could move in with her and her family. So when we were do the program he jumped ship and went there. 3 weeks after being at her place he was looking for his own and needed a an adult to sign the lease, this "lovely women" who say she loves him and wants to adopt him stepped up to the plate. Just before he moved out he was doing drugs with one of her kid and had a bad trip and came running home for help because he was afraid that he was dying. We got him into the crisis/detox centre and the "lovely women" went and got him. A week later he moved to his own place. I know that he is into drugs heavy duty now. My husband is getting weekly calls from him to see if they can do something together, before he wouldn't even go any where with his dad and now he phones to see what they can do together. I am taking your advice keeping my conversation to 30 seconds and no more after he ran out and left the counselling session 3 weeks ago. The counsellor has the attitude that we should just let him run wild and see what happens. How can you as a parent sit back and watch your child destroy himself? He told me that I should continue the counselling session because the warning lights are going off when I was seeing the behaviour change in this kid and I need to resolve what went on in my home as a child. I came from an alcohlic family physically and verbally abusive, both parents and I raised my brother (we are very close, he phones every night to talk to me before he goes to bed). The counsellor told me his kid does drugs, okay is the whole world gone nuts? I thank God that I saw the warning lights going off! The kids living in the townhouse are going to university, it is just a matter of time now I think before they kick his butt to the curb. I think he will have no place to go. Everyone knows what he is up to. If he should ask to come home what should be my course of action? Rehab, not hang around the friends etc. and how do I convince him to want to go to rehab?... How do I get this kid back? Or do they ever come back?
On Monday, I received a call from a mother of one of his old friends named S___. This friend was in jail and is in a halfway house now, he had gotten into a fight and the kid died from the fight and he went to jail. One of the kids in the townhouse that lives with my son hangs around a kid named Jim. Jim saw S___ and told him that my son is going down the wrong road and that nobody can believe what has happened to this kid with so much potential, that it is unbelievable. S___ begged his mother to call me and to see if they can help in any way to get this kid back. S___ has changed his life around and the mother said he doesn't want what happened to him to happen to my son. S___ wants to meet with him soon, my boy always looked up to S___ and copied him ie. dress, mannerisms etc. The mother said she prayed for 2 hours before she called me asking God for strength and that I would be open to talking to her. Do you think that this meeting will help at all? S___ is trying to arrange the meeting with his social worker to sit in on it as well. Any help and insight from you would be greatly appreciated. Hey the program was working until he called her to move in.
Thanks A.
`````````````````
Hi A.,
Re: If he should ask to come home what should be my course of action?
You'll want to draft a behavioral contract that stipulates (a) the house rules and (b) the consequences for violating each house rule. Be very specific. Click Here for more info on contracts.
Re: Do you think that this meeting will help at all?
I don't know. It's worth a shot though.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I know I'm too soft!
Thank you Mark for contacting me, I am trying very hard to do as you say, and most of the time I'm doing really well but i know I'm too soft!
My eldest daughter isn't really naughty, its just the stuff that comes out of her mouth, she does not swear, its just the disrespect and her telling me when she is going to do something. She asked me this weekend if she could go on a sleep over i said no because of the way she had acted shouting and arguing.
She was really upset and really didn't think she had done anything wrong. how do i make her see that she is doing wrong? …also she has ADHD but very mild …there is no reasoning with her.
Many thanks M.
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Hi M.,
The strategy that applies here is the one entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (online version – session #3). In this case, you want her to accept a consequence for her choice to shout and argue.
Let me know if you need any clarification after reviewing the strategy listed above.
Mark
Online Parent Support
My eldest daughter isn't really naughty, its just the stuff that comes out of her mouth, she does not swear, its just the disrespect and her telling me when she is going to do something. She asked me this weekend if she could go on a sleep over i said no because of the way she had acted shouting and arguing.
She was really upset and really didn't think she had done anything wrong. how do i make her see that she is doing wrong? …also she has ADHD but very mild …there is no reasoning with her.
Many thanks M.
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Hi M.,
The strategy that applies here is the one entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (online version – session #3). In this case, you want her to accept a consequence for her choice to shout and argue.
Let me know if you need any clarification after reviewing the strategy listed above.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Teens & Tiredness
Hi Mark,
K's current problems are - bad sleep patterns, and not spending enough time on his study (in fact, almost no time).
Given the success of using the program for his other behaviours (still ups and downs, but he has actually modified his behaviour because of this program), I would like to state these rules & consequences:
1. No sleeping after school (or during the day on weekends). Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hours.
2. At least 1.5 hrs of study per night - in a way that is transparent. that is, when I look in on him, he should be entirely open about what homework he is doing. If he doesn't do enough time, or refuses to tell me what he is doing - Consequence - phone disabled for 24 hrs.
He had a blood test to rule out a medical cause for his tiredness (we get the results in a couple of days) - obviously if there is medical issue and the doctor says he needs more rest, I wouldn't have this rule, but I am confident that won't be the case, and I would like to have clear plan and clear expectations starting from next week.
Click here for my response...
Son is angry, failing in school, & refusing to go to school...
My son is always angry. He hates school and his grades are falling, He does not want to go to school …he is in grade 10. He is angry all the time. What can I do?
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Hi G.,
Re: …grades are failing.
This is covered in the eBook [online version]. Please look for the section entitled “Read these Emails from Exasperated Parents” …then scroll to the bottom where we discuss poor academic performance.
Re: …does not want to go to school.
School refusal is equally common among boys and girls and is most likely to occur between age 5 to 11. Incidence of school refusal is highest when schools reopen after summer.
School refusal is defined as the behavior of resisting or refusing to attend a specific class or to stay in school for an entire day. Such school refusal may be accompanied by one or more of the following behaviors: complaints about stomach pain, headache, or nausea before or during school; crying before and during school; frequent visits to the school nurse; temper tantrums; specific fears; anxiety or sadness.
Truants otherwise tend to be compliant, well-behaved, and academically smart kids. Unlike truants, they stay home only with their moms & dads' knowledge. Generally, they have a close relationship with one or both moms & dads. Overall, they are good kids. So the question arises why does a youngster who wants to comply with the moms & dads' wishes and be good, drive them nuts in the morning when it's time to get ready for school?
Kids refuse to go to school for a reason, and we moms & dads should determine what that reason is.
Some kids refuse to go to school because they are overly anxious. Some may have specific fears or concerns regarding teachers, peers, or some other aspects of the school setting. Others may consciously or unconsciously worry, not about the school as such, but about being away from home. Some overanxious kids are afraid to sleep on their own, insist on having lights on in their room at night, and have nightmares about their safety or the safety of their moms & dads.
Kids who are overanxious about something at school or home need to be gradually exposed to the situation they want to avoid. Offer them emotional support and encouragement. They need to develop better means to cope with situations that provoke anxiety.
Truants tend to feel that others see them in a negative way. They become unduly self-conscious and avoid social situations in which they fear others may criticize them or make fun of them behind their back. Some have negative and troublesome relationships with their peers, and are, perhaps, teased by mischievous kids or harassed by a bully.
For kids who refuse to go to school in order to avoid a difficult social encounter, teach them effective social behaviors such as, learning to say "no" assertively, seeking help from adults, and making new friends. Seek help from school authorities if there is a genuine concern for the safety of your youngster.
In some cases, school refusal starts out with kids experiencing discomfort in the school setting, but as time goes on, they develop a liking for staying home. It dawns on them how much more fun it is to stay home than to go to school and do the "boring stuff." For example, when "Jake is allowed to stay home, he stays in bed for longer hours, plays with toys or watches TV, and gets to visit his grandparents during the day. If I were Jake, I sure would like to stay home day after day, wouldn't you?
Don't make staying home more rewarding than going to school. Eliminate or reduce all incentives for staying home. On the contrary, attach rewards and incentives to going to school and staying there throughout the school hours.
Some teens suddenly become reluctant to go to school because of an appearance and self-esteem problem, or social "image" problem prompted by a school rumor or being let down by a friend. They need appropriate skills and parental support to deal with such situations. Openness in communication and closeness with moms & dads can be really helpful.
Some kids are clinically depressed and experience significant difficulty in getting up and getting out of bed in the morning. Kids who are clinically depressed or who suffer from an anxiety disorder need professional help. Some medications cause sluggishness and may make it difficult for a youngster to be alert and active in morning. In such event, consult your doc.
Having investigated the possible causes and offered your support as a parent, you may have to "push" your youngster out to school. You may have to learn to ignore the tantrums, complaints, and the pleading to "let me stay home just for today."
Mark Hutten, M.A.
Kicking Out a Minor
My son was told he could not stay at home if he continued his behaviour so he went out on Saturday but came back tonight, Tuesday, because he had to go to work. My husband said he can’t stay here. What do I do when he comes home at 11pm tonight?
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Re: Kicking Out a Minor—
You didn’t say how old your son is.
The legal age of majority in all but four states is 18. When a person reaches the state's age of legal majority, parents are no longer financially or legally responsible for them. In which case parents wanting their adult child to move from the family residence is well within their legal rights to take such action. If the person refuses to leave voluntarily the parents may if they so choose enlist the aid of their local police.
States with higher ages of majority than 18-years are: Alabama and Nebraska 19, Mississippi and Pennsylvania 21. In these states parents can petition the court to be released from parental responsibilities if said child is at least 18-years of age.
Online Parent Support
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Re: Kicking Out a Minor—
You didn’t say how old your son is.
The legal age of majority in all but four states is 18. When a person reaches the state's age of legal majority, parents are no longer financially or legally responsible for them. In which case parents wanting their adult child to move from the family residence is well within their legal rights to take such action. If the person refuses to leave voluntarily the parents may if they so choose enlist the aid of their local police.
States with higher ages of majority than 18-years are: Alabama and Nebraska 19, Mississippi and Pennsylvania 21. In these states parents can petition the court to be released from parental responsibilities if said child is at least 18-years of age.
Online Parent Support
Son Skipping School
Grrrr.... my 14 year old has started his freshman year and is constantly skipping school. I have received a phone call almost everyday regarding either his behavior or his skipping classes or skipping the whole day. I take him to the door of the school every morning!!! He's rude, hateful, defiant...refuses to listen to me. Talks back and over me everytime I try to have a calm discussion with him. Smart kid being really stupid! The school is of no help!
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First you need to make sure your son has an understanding of the relationship between school, grades and going to class and real life and what he will do in the future. By now he should be thinking about college or career choices. He cannot hope to achieve those goals without a decent school record...and that record is more than just grades.
I think you need to start doing some serious thinking about these things, too. It is not always fun to be a parent and give firm guidance, but you need to think about him long-term best interest and the life skills he will need to pursue him goals. Although it may be hard for you to follow through, your son needs to learn to be responsible for him behavior and to accept the consequences of that behavior. That is what grown ups do, and he's nearly a young adult now. He needs to see that school is, in a sense, like a job; in a real job he cannot just skip work because its' a nice day and you don't want to go.
Online Parent Support
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First you need to make sure your son has an understanding of the relationship between school, grades and going to class and real life and what he will do in the future. By now he should be thinking about college or career choices. He cannot hope to achieve those goals without a decent school record...and that record is more than just grades.
I think you need to start doing some serious thinking about these things, too. It is not always fun to be a parent and give firm guidance, but you need to think about him long-term best interest and the life skills he will need to pursue him goals. Although it may be hard for you to follow through, your son needs to learn to be responsible for him behavior and to accept the consequences of that behavior. That is what grown ups do, and he's nearly a young adult now. He needs to see that school is, in a sense, like a job; in a real job he cannot just skip work because its' a nice day and you don't want to go.
Online Parent Support
Re: Regaining Custody of Son
My question is that I've only started following the 2nd step of your program when my son decided he was moving in with his father. He fought with his father and refused to see him for the past year and now he is refusing to see me. When I demanded that he be here, he accused me of "stealing a bottle of wine" from his father's house. His father and I discussed this as I have no means of entering his home nor would I steal a bottle of wine that I bought him over 8 years ago. My son said that is the way I work. I'm an "Indian Giver". I give things and then take them back, meaning that I recently took his cell phone away. He is extremely not making any sense and I'm devastated. His guidance councilor told me that the wine thing was told to him by his father. His father wants nothing more than to have custody of my kids so he won't have to pay support. I am giving him his child support for A__ since A__ is living there, for the past 2 weeks. A__ lived with me the entire last year. I don't want this to continue. We are seeing a councilor tomorrow night and I want this to end. I am asking you for some understanding as to what is going on because I'm confused and I have no family except for them. Please give me your opinions.
Sincerely, P.
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If I understand you correctly, your issue here is that you want your son back. I must, of course, issue a disclaimer that what I write here cannot be construed as legal advice. It is, in fact, just general information.
You didn’t say who has legal custody currently.
When you agreed to let him stay with his dad, was there some sort of written agreement giving him temporary custody?
Is there a divorce decree giving you custody, and was there ever a court date to re-modify custody changing from you to him?
If there is a divorce decree giving you custody and it was never changed -- and the agreement giving him temporary custody was verbal -- only then notify the police and give them details.
You may have to go back to court to regain custody -- and he has to prove you are an unfit parent.
You can also petition the court to let your son decide who he wants to live with - but don’t coach him -- it has to be totally his idea, and if the judge senses he’s been coached, he won’t honor anything.
This is kind of hard to give an exact answer without knowing the above answers to my questions. Too many variables, but hope this helps. Good luck.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Sincerely, P.
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If I understand you correctly, your issue here is that you want your son back. I must, of course, issue a disclaimer that what I write here cannot be construed as legal advice. It is, in fact, just general information.
You didn’t say who has legal custody currently.
When you agreed to let him stay with his dad, was there some sort of written agreement giving him temporary custody?
Is there a divorce decree giving you custody, and was there ever a court date to re-modify custody changing from you to him?
If there is a divorce decree giving you custody and it was never changed -- and the agreement giving him temporary custody was verbal -- only then notify the police and give them details.
You may have to go back to court to regain custody -- and he has to prove you are an unfit parent.
You can also petition the court to let your son decide who he wants to live with - but don’t coach him -- it has to be totally his idea, and if the judge senses he’s been coached, he won’t honor anything.
This is kind of hard to give an exact answer without knowing the above answers to my questions. Too many variables, but hope this helps. Good luck.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Kids & Poor Academic Performance
Hi Mark,
I am writing for advice on how to get my 7th grade son to do his best in school. He is very intelligent, yet does not seem to care about his schoolwork. He easily makes it on the honor role, but with effort he could be on the top honors. Recently, I discovered that he got a 40% on a Spanish quiz. I asked if he could retake it and he made up some story. After emailing the teacher I discovered that he did retake it during his detention time (which I knew nothing about) and he received the same grade. So now he is lying about his work and about having detention. He is a constant disruption in class. Though the teacher has moved his seat several times he still turns around and talks w/others. What can I do about this??? In general, he is liking 7th grade more because he moves from class to class every 40 minutes. I know that he is easily distracted and we try to give talk w/him about things he can do to focus. The problem is that he doesn't seem to care! He is very active in sports. He is on the soccer team and is doing well with that. He is also playing on a town baseball team. I wanted to take him off of the baseball team, but my husband thinks that will only make matters worse. The busier he is, the better his behavior is, but how do I get him to focus more on his schoolwork??
Thank you again for all of your time and support.
J.
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Hi J.,
Poor academic performance is addressed in the section of the eBook entitled Read these Emails from Exasperated Parents.
Please look toward the bottom of that page where it reads:
"My 16-year-old son brought home straight F's on his last report card. I grounded him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know he is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?"
Let me know if you need clarification,
Mark
Online Parent Support
I am writing for advice on how to get my 7th grade son to do his best in school. He is very intelligent, yet does not seem to care about his schoolwork. He easily makes it on the honor role, but with effort he could be on the top honors. Recently, I discovered that he got a 40% on a Spanish quiz. I asked if he could retake it and he made up some story. After emailing the teacher I discovered that he did retake it during his detention time (which I knew nothing about) and he received the same grade. So now he is lying about his work and about having detention. He is a constant disruption in class. Though the teacher has moved his seat several times he still turns around and talks w/others. What can I do about this??? In general, he is liking 7th grade more because he moves from class to class every 40 minutes. I know that he is easily distracted and we try to give talk w/him about things he can do to focus. The problem is that he doesn't seem to care! He is very active in sports. He is on the soccer team and is doing well with that. He is also playing on a town baseball team. I wanted to take him off of the baseball team, but my husband thinks that will only make matters worse. The busier he is, the better his behavior is, but how do I get him to focus more on his schoolwork??
Thank you again for all of your time and support.
J.
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Hi J.,
Poor academic performance is addressed in the section of the eBook entitled Read these Emails from Exasperated Parents.
Please look toward the bottom of that page where it reads:
"My 16-year-old son brought home straight F's on his last report card. I grounded him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know he is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?"
Let me know if you need clarification,
Mark
Online Parent Support
It is a difficult time at the moment...
Hi Mark - thanks for 'being there' in cyberspace.
I look forward to improving the home environment and relationships here. It is a difficult time at the moment. I have sought help elsewhere locally, but have been placed in a queue - which doesn't help when thing are 'happening'.
Regards,
S.
Online Parent Support
I look forward to improving the home environment and relationships here. It is a difficult time at the moment. I have sought help elsewhere locally, but have been placed in a queue - which doesn't help when thing are 'happening'.
Regards,
S.
Online Parent Support
Teen Doesn't Want To Work
HI Mark - thank you again - your online lessons are very valuable! I feel much more at peace and hope they will make a difference soon. Need your advice.....
Our 16 year old was all gung ho to get a job at the local Y as a lifeguard (he is certified) - he filled out the application, got called for an interview and agreed to go tomorrow at 3pm for the interview - now he is decided he doesn't want to work there - we have tried to find out why - lots of excuses (he knows someone who did that and hated it, the water test will be too hard, the pay will be too low etc) We think he is making a big mistake - we tell him he will have no issues passing the text and he should go thru with it and it will be a great job a couple of days a week to get extra gas money. He's says he is going to call and cancel the interview - he claims he will look for another job later..........we don't want to get in a fight and have tried to talk to him calmly about it - I think he just afraid he won't do well or something..........what to do?
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I would say this one falls into the "pick-your-battles-carefully" category. You're right in not wanting to fight about this. I presume you have bigger fish to fry (or will).
He's not going to tell you what's up ...and the more you pry, the more he will make up his mind to not follow through with this job.
Sometimes less is better. That is true in this case. Let go of YOUR NEED to have him be a lifeguard. He'll do well in whatever he sets HIS mind to.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Our 16 year old was all gung ho to get a job at the local Y as a lifeguard (he is certified) - he filled out the application, got called for an interview and agreed to go tomorrow at 3pm for the interview - now he is decided he doesn't want to work there - we have tried to find out why - lots of excuses (he knows someone who did that and hated it, the water test will be too hard, the pay will be too low etc) We think he is making a big mistake - we tell him he will have no issues passing the text and he should go thru with it and it will be a great job a couple of days a week to get extra gas money. He's says he is going to call and cancel the interview - he claims he will look for another job later..........we don't want to get in a fight and have tried to talk to him calmly about it - I think he just afraid he won't do well or something..........what to do?
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I would say this one falls into the "pick-your-battles-carefully" category. You're right in not wanting to fight about this. I presume you have bigger fish to fry (or will).
He's not going to tell you what's up ...and the more you pry, the more he will make up his mind to not follow through with this job.
Sometimes less is better. That is true in this case. Let go of YOUR NEED to have him be a lifeguard. He'll do well in whatever he sets HIS mind to.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Teens & Alcohol Abuse
I am writing this e-mail hoping that you might be able to shed some light on where it is that I should start your program with our son. I purchased your e-book My Out of Control Teen and found it to be very resourceful and helpful, although I am not quite sure where to start with our son. He will be 17 next month. We recently moved to a new home that we built which is closer to his school and friends. Within 2 days of our move from an acreage to the city he brokeup with his girlfriend of 1 year, quit his job, ranaway to a friends house, pierced his lip against our wishes, threatened suicide in a letter where he wrote that after being gone 5 days he went and pierced his lip and we would have to accept this and his other personal problem being suicidal thoughts. At this point I went at midnight searching for him and found him and brought him home. Since prior to this event things seemed great, he was on the honor role at school, happy, working good to his brother and sister, which is still good. We had to assume he might be on some kind of drugs. I insisted that he be drug tested and hormone testing for depression. I met with school counsellor and explained the situation. One week later he snuck out on a school night through his bedroom window and got drunk. Same thing one week later. After this we nailed his window shut. Which I should say when he returned home the first time his car was parked and phone taken away. He did not care that these privileges were gone. After the third time he ran away, because I confronted him about his report card and marks all in the 60's which is very poor for him.
We decided that this was the last straw and we were going to send him to Turnabout Residential Ranch for three months. He was very terrified of this, after talking and agreeing to see professional counsellors, we opted for a behavior contract and counselling. Things have been better but he is still angry and the counsellor said he is not depressed and that he is closed off at the appts. and as long as things are good at home he can have a break from counselling since he sits there not speaking anyway. He did get a job, but is working with his friends, and not focusing on school work. I feel that according to your e-book that he is at a stage 5. He also came home drunk both nights last weekend. I fear he is drinking way too much. He was not allowed out the next two days of the long weekend for this behavior. Our home life has always been good. We have been blessed with a wonderful family. There has never been any abuse. We are guilty of spoiling our kids to a degree, but have always expected them to work and helpout. I feel if I impose too many restrictions on him he will runaway again, even though that is one of the rules in the behavior contract. He is quiet, but has always been that way. He was never disrespectful until the last two months. He also lying about where he is going sometimes. His drug test was negative and he was tested for everything. He also took the earring out at our insistance, which was appreciated. I have always told him that we have rules because we love him. If you have any suggestions, they would be very much appreciated. I am still seeing the counsellor.
J.
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Hi J.,
You’ve listed numerous problems here. Alcohol abuse seems to be the most pressing issue. Moms & dads often assume that teenagers try alcohol and drugs to rebel or to "fit in" with their peer group. However, teenagers with undiagnosed emotional or behavioral problems often use drugs and alcohol as a way to relieve their frustrations. A depressed teen may self-medicate with alcohol to escape the terrible sense of hopelessness. Unfortunately, alcohol only exacerbates the problem.
Drugs like ecstasy and other club-drug uppers may even make them feel "normal" when for weeks they have felt miserable. The impact of such drugs on serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins, chemicals in the brain that regulate mood, can be devastating for teenagers and adolescents. The damage they do to receptors in the brain can make the road back from depression even harder.
Often moms & dads approach the issue of drug and alcohol use as simply a discipline issue for a teen who is "bad." However, your teen may be sick. They may be unable to express to you exactly how they feel. Therefore, contacting a mental health professional such as a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents, is your first step in nailing down the source of the problem. If your teen is self-medicating to treat depression, anxiety, or other emotional or behavioral disorders, simply applying more discipline and creating more rules will not impact the underlying problem that led to substance abuse in the first place.
While some teenagers self-medicate to treat depression, other teenagers end up with a serious mental disorder due to abuse of drugs or alcohol. Abusive drinking or drug use can seriously undermine your teen's physical, emotional, and psychological health. Some drugs, such as methampetamines, can seriously affect the neurotransmitters, which are known as the "messengers of the brain." Recent studies suggest this damage can be long-lasting and even permanent. Many teenagers have the mistaken notion that club drugs are benign. In fact, while they might feel "good" while taking them, they can make it difficult for the teen to feel good naturally for a long time to come. The longer teenagers use these drugs, the more difficult treatment and the higher rate of relapse due to their inability to "feel good" or even "normal" because of the damage to their neurotransmitters.
Mark
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
We decided that this was the last straw and we were going to send him to Turnabout Residential Ranch for three months. He was very terrified of this, after talking and agreeing to see professional counsellors, we opted for a behavior contract and counselling. Things have been better but he is still angry and the counsellor said he is not depressed and that he is closed off at the appts. and as long as things are good at home he can have a break from counselling since he sits there not speaking anyway. He did get a job, but is working with his friends, and not focusing on school work. I feel that according to your e-book that he is at a stage 5. He also came home drunk both nights last weekend. I fear he is drinking way too much. He was not allowed out the next two days of the long weekend for this behavior. Our home life has always been good. We have been blessed with a wonderful family. There has never been any abuse. We are guilty of spoiling our kids to a degree, but have always expected them to work and helpout. I feel if I impose too many restrictions on him he will runaway again, even though that is one of the rules in the behavior contract. He is quiet, but has always been that way. He was never disrespectful until the last two months. He also lying about where he is going sometimes. His drug test was negative and he was tested for everything. He also took the earring out at our insistance, which was appreciated. I have always told him that we have rules because we love him. If you have any suggestions, they would be very much appreciated. I am still seeing the counsellor.
J.
``````````````````````
Hi J.,
You’ve listed numerous problems here. Alcohol abuse seems to be the most pressing issue. Moms & dads often assume that teenagers try alcohol and drugs to rebel or to "fit in" with their peer group. However, teenagers with undiagnosed emotional or behavioral problems often use drugs and alcohol as a way to relieve their frustrations. A depressed teen may self-medicate with alcohol to escape the terrible sense of hopelessness. Unfortunately, alcohol only exacerbates the problem.
Drugs like ecstasy and other club-drug uppers may even make them feel "normal" when for weeks they have felt miserable. The impact of such drugs on serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins, chemicals in the brain that regulate mood, can be devastating for teenagers and adolescents. The damage they do to receptors in the brain can make the road back from depression even harder.
Often moms & dads approach the issue of drug and alcohol use as simply a discipline issue for a teen who is "bad." However, your teen may be sick. They may be unable to express to you exactly how they feel. Therefore, contacting a mental health professional such as a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents, is your first step in nailing down the source of the problem. If your teen is self-medicating to treat depression, anxiety, or other emotional or behavioral disorders, simply applying more discipline and creating more rules will not impact the underlying problem that led to substance abuse in the first place.
While some teenagers self-medicate to treat depression, other teenagers end up with a serious mental disorder due to abuse of drugs or alcohol. Abusive drinking or drug use can seriously undermine your teen's physical, emotional, and psychological health. Some drugs, such as methampetamines, can seriously affect the neurotransmitters, which are known as the "messengers of the brain." Recent studies suggest this damage can be long-lasting and even permanent. Many teenagers have the mistaken notion that club drugs are benign. In fact, while they might feel "good" while taking them, they can make it difficult for the teen to feel good naturally for a long time to come. The longer teenagers use these drugs, the more difficult treatment and the higher rate of relapse due to their inability to "feel good" or even "normal" because of the damage to their neurotransmitters.
Mark
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
When Parents Disagree On Discipline
"My husband and I have very different parenting styles and that has really worked against us over the years …I tend to be strict while my husband is not and I feel that I need to compensate for his lack of discipline and follow through. I'm constantly clashing with my kids and tired of being the wicked witch."
How successful is house arrest?
Hi Mark,
I am planning on one lesson per week. I have not skipped forward and understand the process. My challenge is that L__ is in the hall for 30 days. On Oct. 9 we go back to court and the judge will decide if L__ goes to a foster home and out of our care. I find your lessons very informative and eye-opening. The DA wants him to spend 30 days in the hall and then 30 days under house arrest (ankle bracelet). If we can get through the next 3 months, he can start high school as his expulsion order expires. I am writing a letter to the judge explaining that we are on your program and do not want to lose L__ to the system.
Our challenge with the house arrest is that we think L__ will allow his friends in the house and he will still snoop around. I've had to take the phones with me when I go to work because he made over 400 hours of calls. He needs 100% supervision. How successful is house arrest?
Thanks,
M.
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Hi M.,
Thanks for committing to the program as it is intended.
Re: How successful is house arrest?
First of all, "house arrest" is simply where the child must stay home under parental supervision. I think you're referring to "home monitoring" (different from house arrest in that probation will be notified if your son gets out of range).
In any event, there's good and bad news here--
The good news: Home monitoring has an excellent track record because the child knows there is always somebody "watching" to see if he steps outside the house -- even when parents/grandparents are away.
The bad news: Home monitoring is usually only effective for as long as the child is on the monitor -- and it cannot control who your son invites in the house while you're gone.
More bad news: House arrest (if that is what we're talking about here) is a miserable failure on all fronts as far as I'm concerned.
Bottom line: You can't depend on home monitoring, house arrest - or even probation to "solve" the problems. That why it's good you have some new parenting tools in your toolbox now.
Mark
He loves to save his money...
Hi Mark,
Hope you are well. I've been meaning to email you for a while. I thought this was interesting. This is about the over indulgence section of your program. We used to take our son to Taco Bell after school, or just whenever he might ask. Now, though, when he asks if we're out and about, we tell him we'll be glad to drive by there for him, as long as he has money for what he wants. I can only remember once in the last several months when he actually ended up going. He usually passes on going when he realizes we won't be paying (he still asks every now and then thinking we will forget I guess). The one time he did go and use his own money, he couldn't stand spending that dollar. He loves to save his money, and this is certainly a great lesson on how easily it is spent.
Once in these last few months, we all went to Taco Bell for dinner. Therefore, we paid for him. It was what the family was having, so that's why we paid.
Anyway, thanks for this great tip. It's working out great!
I fear it is too late...
Dear Mark,
I Googled my 'problem teenager' and came up with your website. I bought the manual, and it is precisely what I needed.
I fear it is too late though, as my teen daughter is leaving home on the day she is 16 to live with a guy 25 years old, whom she said she met on holiday in Lanzarote, when she was 10. He is unemployed and has Diabetes. She is on the phone to him every day. She's flunked school, her exams, and thrown away an amazing singing/acting talent. Your book describes her behaviour precisely, 'Overindulged'.
I will put into practice that which is in the book and hope that we can turn her round before August.
Having been through family services, the police, social services and the courts and still not got a solution, what a relieve it is to know that there is somebody out there who seems to know what they are talking about. Many many thanks. You have at the very least given me cause for hope, thank you.
Hugh,
Great Britain.
My Out-of-Control Teen
I Googled my 'problem teenager' and came up with your website. I bought the manual, and it is precisely what I needed.
I fear it is too late though, as my teen daughter is leaving home on the day she is 16 to live with a guy 25 years old, whom she said she met on holiday in Lanzarote, when she was 10. He is unemployed and has Diabetes. She is on the phone to him every day. She's flunked school, her exams, and thrown away an amazing singing/acting talent. Your book describes her behaviour precisely, 'Overindulged'.
I will put into practice that which is in the book and hope that we can turn her round before August.
Having been through family services, the police, social services and the courts and still not got a solution, what a relieve it is to know that there is somebody out there who seems to know what they are talking about. Many many thanks. You have at the very least given me cause for hope, thank you.
Hugh,
Great Britain.
My Out-of-Control Teen
She took $40.00 instead of $20.00 out of my account...
Mark,
My daughter is on three day restriction for disobeying me. On Saturday I gave her my debit card to get gas and 20.00 for spending -- both of which she earned. However I just saw on my bank statement ...she took 40.00 instead of 20.00 out of my account. Should I make her earn the other 20 or should I take 20 my brother gives her for taking their son to school?
Please help.
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Good question.
She was being sneaky, which should get a consequence. Earning the $20.00 that was basically stolen seems to be the best option. Also, give her a clear warning that if this happens again, she will not be able to use your debit card (just pay cash).
Sound O.K.?
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Good question.
She was being sneaky, which should get a consequence. Earning the $20.00 that was basically stolen seems to be the best option. Also, give her a clear warning that if this happens again, she will not be able to use your debit card (just pay cash).
Sound O.K.?
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
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