Brother and Sister Hate One Another: Parenting Tips for Sibling Rivalry

Question:

“I have a 14 year our daughter who is a basket of nerves. My son and she HATE each other. He knows exactly how to push her buttons and she gets so upset she usually just explodes in anger followed by tears. When she is upset there is no reasoning with her until she calms down. I can almost see the ‘excitement’ in my son’s eyes when he makes her cry. She is so vulnerable right now. He knows she is very aware of her figure and looks, so he is constantly calling her fat (although she is not fat at all). She then comes back at him with retard and why don’t we ‘send him away’. I fear what this is doing to her self-esteem and emotional needs.”

Answer:

Fighting among siblings is really a problem now with the kids being off school for this extended period of time due to the coronavirus issue. Moms of adolescents may be troubled by the amount of fighting, both verbal and physical, that is going on. This is a common problem in homes with teens, and one many moms find particularly difficult and upsetting. One mother said, "They are constantly bickering and yelling. There's no peace in the house anymore. They won't listen to me, and nothing I do seems to have any effect on them. Why do they hate each other so?"

If parents experience these kinds of problems and concerns, it may help if they try to gain a better understanding of sibling battles and then develop a plan for dealing with them in their home. In this society, people have the expectation that they will love and get along well with everyone in their family. They always expect to feel positive toward their parents, brothers, sisters, spouses and children. Most people, however, have at least some times when they don't feel very loving toward each other.

Relationships within a family are close, both emotionally and physically, and very intense. When the television show parents have been looking forward to is being drowned out by the cheerleading practice in the basement, or when the turkey leg they were saving for a snack is missing from the refrigerator, or when their spouse is gleefully telling a crowd of friends how they dented the car fender, they are not likely to feel loving. Because they are so close, family members have a greater power than anyone else to make other members feel angry, sad, confused -- and loving. This is just as true for kids and teens as it is for grown-ups.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Most siblings have probably been good friends - and good enemies - as they have grown. Having a sibling provides an opportunity to learn to get along with others. Especially when siblings are younger, they may fight bitterly, but they will probably be playing together again an hour later. For example, a youngster will say something hateful to a sibling, knowing full well they will still be siblings and friends when the fight is over. If the same thing was said to a playmate outside the family, that playmate might take his or her marbles and go home for good. Thus, kids learn from relationships with siblings just how certain words or actions will affect another person without the fear of losing the person's friendship.

Siblings fight for a number of reasons:

• They fight because they are growing up in a competitive society that teaches them that to win is to be better: "I saw it first." "I beat you to the water."
• They fight because they are jealous: "He got a new bike. I didn't. They must love him more than they love me." 
• They fight because they want a parent's attention, and the parent has only so much time, attention and patience to give. 
• They fight over ordinary teasing, which is a way of testing the effects of behavior and words on another person: "He called me a _____" … "But she called me a _____ first."

Kids need not weeks or months, but years to learn some of the socially approved ways to behave in relationships. Lessons about jealousy, competition, sharing and kindness are difficult to learn, and, indeed, some grown-ups still haven't learned them. Teens fight for the same reasons younger kids fight. But teens are bigger, louder and better equipped physically and intellectually to hurt - and be hurt - by words and actions.

From a mother's point of view, they "ought" to be old enough to stop that kind of behavior. What moms may forget is that teens are under pressure from many different directions. Physical and emotional changes - and changes in thinking - cause pressures, as do changing relationships with parents and peers. 

Adolescents may be concerned about real or imagined problems. They feel pressure about the future as adults and about learning to be an adult. In many ways, adolescents are in greater need than ever for parental love, attention and concern, and for a belief that they are as good as their siblings. A teenager may not recognize these needs, or may be too embarrassed to express them verbally, so fighting with siblings as a way to get parental attention may actually increase in adolescence. In truth, siblings don't really hate each other, at least not all the time. As kids mature and learn to control their energies and anxieties, chances are they will be good friends.

Moms and dads can recognize the reasons for the fighting and make up their minds that they will not tolerate it. It's not easy to stick to that resolution! However, many parents have found that sticking to that resolution is the most important factor in bringing peace to their home. Parents should tell their teens that while it's normal to have disagreements, the constant fighting upsets them and they value peace at home. They can say they will no longer be the judge and jury over the siblings' disputes, and they will not stand for it! Then, they must stand by the resolution.

One mom reported that every time a fight started, she would say to her teens, "You're fighting. I'm leaving." And then she would go out to work in the yard or take a drive or run an errand -- but she simply walked away from the fighting. Another mom used a similar tactic. When the fighting began, she said, "Call me when it's over." Then she went to her bedroom, slamming the door to emphasize her point. Another parent made his teenagers leave the house when they began fighting.

In each of these cases, the parents demonstrated that fighting would not get their attention and they would not get involved in the fight. Other parents have had success in imposing penalties for fighting (e.g., fines deducted from allowances, a certain amount of grounding for each fighter, etc.). These parents are showing their teenagers the cost of fighting is higher than the reward. Whatever tactic moms and dads use, if they are consistent and stick to their guns, they will almost certainly be successful in reducing the amount of fighting between their kids.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Living with fighting siblings is not pleasant. If parents can remain calm in the face of battling adolescents, if they can retain their sense of humor, and if they put up a determined and united front, they will find the war in their living room will end before long.

As a parent, do you:

• Avoid initiating competition among your kids?
• Make sure older kids are not usually forced to give in to younger ones because "he's little" or "she doesn't know better?" 
• Believe there can be something good in sibling fighting? 
• Make sure your teens realize they are each unique and have a special set of strengths? 
• Praise your teenagers for being who they are, not just for what they can do? 
• Realize teens and younger kids need to be given the right to decide not to share at least some of the time? 
• Recognize that each youngster is different? 
• Set aside some time to be alone with each youngster? 
• Talk to your teens about their fighting?

Here’s some more tips:

1. Be available to listen patiently to the problem and control your emotions. Typically, parents have more insight into solving a problem, so give your child positive suggestions she can use to work the problem out with her sibling.
2. Don't intervene, but do give some guidance.
3. Don't take sides -- remain neutral.
4. Encourage adolescents to work out issues constructively.
5. Do not allow aggressive behavior (e.g., hitting, pushing, etc.).
6. Express to each of your kids that you care for each of them as individuals and love them unconditionally.
7. Give them the opportunity to work out their problems on their own.
8. Help enforce the rules by outlining consequences when rules are broken. 
9. Help them recognize each other's individuality. 
10. Insist that they try to cooperate first. 
11. Overcome your own competitive nature. 
12. Share an interest in their activities. 
13. Spend time with them individually. 
14. Teach your kids good communication techniques, problem solving skills, and the importance of compromise.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

  

From the office of Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support, LLC
Author of My Out-of-Control Teen

The problem is that most parents of strong-willed, out of control teenagers have tried very hard to regain control -- but with little or no success.  And it seems the harder the parent tries, the more the teenager "acts-out."

I often hear the following statement from parents: "I've tried everything with this child -- and nothing works!"  But when they attend my parent-program, they soon discover they have not tried everything, rather they have tried some things. Learn more about the parent-program.

Now there is an online version of the parent-program for working parents who are struggling with their out-of-control teenagers, and you will experience the same success as those who attend the program in person. 

You will learn cut-to-the-chase parenting strategies that work immediately rather than months or years down the road.  And I guarantee your success or you get your money back -- and you can keep the package I am about to offer you.  This is how confident I am that the online version of the parent-program is going to work for you. 

One of many testimonials: 

“Hi mark. I want to thank you so much for putting out the 4 week parenting course. I have completed it and it has literally changed my life. Honestly it worked instantly. I have a foster child who would yell, scream, abuse. Intimidate, swear, punch holes in walls etc if asked to get off the Xbox or to do a job. Yes he has so much trauma and I think is on the spectrum but I kept thinking I don’t think his outbursts are because of this. The bottom line is I was over indulging him. Now he knows nothing is for free and if he wants anything he has to do jobs. I take all technology at the end of each day and if he wants it back the next day he has to do the jobs on the list. I’ve only taken his phone twice for 24 hours since starting the course. That was all it took. Honestly mark, he yelled at me when I told him nothing is for free, not even a donut at the shop. I kept calm and said I’m not arguing. He now can’t drag me into arguments as I keep repeating ‘I’m not arguing’. I could go on and on how he’s changed. It’s only been 3 weeks but no massive melt downs or holes punched in walls. THANK YOUUUUUUUUU”   


The online version is called Online Parent Support (OPS). OPS includes My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook (a digital book).  In this book, I share over 150 proven techniques to use with your strong-willed, out-of-control teenager.  If parents don’t have these techniques, all they are left with are conventional parenting techniques.  And as they may have discovered, conventional techniques don't work with unconventional teenagers. Learn more about traditional parenting strategies.

=> Does your child often:

• lose his temper
• argue with adults
• refuse to comply with rules and requests
• deliberately annoy people
• blame others for his mistakes and misbehavior

=> Is your child often:

• touchy and easily annoyed by others
• angry and resentful
• spiteful and vindictive

Learn more about defiant behavior versus normal teenage rebellion.

CLICK HERE to view a partial list of topics covered in the eBook.

Believe it or not, your child doesn't need counseling.  You don’t need parenting classes.  You don’t need -- nor would you want -- a 250-page manual on how to be a better parent.  Who has time for that?  And you don’t need to go through another year of pain and misery with rebellious, foul-mouthed teenagers with an "attitude."

However, what you may need is someone who has worked with troubled teens and frustrated parents for nearly 20 years -- and does so for a living -- to show you a set of very effective parenting techniques that are guaranteed to work. That would be me, Mark Hutten, M.A.

OPS includes:

• Live Audio Recordings of the entire parent-program I conduct at Madison County Youth Center
• Power Point Presentations and Videos shown during the program 
• OPS Website -- updated daily with many additional parenting resources
• Parent Forum -- where members of OPS support and seek advice from one another; meet and talk to married and single parents who are experiencing the same parent-child difficulties as you  
• OPS Weekly Newsletter -- provides additional resources for parenting today's teens and pre-teens
• Access to me via email or OPS Chat Room -- always feel free to contact me as often as needed while you begin to implement your new parenting strategies
• 100% Money Back Guarantee

Whether you have big problems or small problems, teens or preteens, whether you are a single parent, divorced or separated parent, adoptive parent, foster parent, step parent, a traditional two-parent family, or a grandparent raising a grandchild -- this material is guaranteed to work for you.

Initially, the parents who attend my parent-program (the same program you’ll get with Online Parent Support) are at their "wit's end" and describe home-life as “hell's kitchen.” 

A few short weeks after they complete the program (which is divided into 4 sessions, 90 minutes each session), the majority of parents report that problems in their homes have reduced in frequency and severity and are finally manageable.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how simple it is to get started with these non-traditional parenting strategies.  Whenever you have a couple spare moments sitting at your computer, you can see how to bring about positive change in your household …change that will reduce parent-child conflict …change that will reduce your stress-level significantly …and change that will increase the likelihood that your child will be a success both at school and in life.

=> Is your child in charge (the tail is wagging the dog)?

=> Does she/he have an "attitude" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

=> Is she/he resentful about something that happened in the past and just can’t seem to get over it?

=> Are you concerned that your child is:

• Having unprotected sex?
• Hanging with the wrong crowd?
• Experimenting with drugs or alcohol?

=> Has your child:

• Lied to you?
• Stolen from you?
• Skipped school?
• Destroyed property?
• Ran away from home?
• Had a brush with the law?
• Refused to follow any rules?

If so, then I hope you download My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook and join Online Parent Support today. Click on the Buy Now button below AFTER WATCHING THIS SHORT VIDEO:

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to keep even in the unlikely event you decide to ask for a refund.

If for any reason you aren't thrilled and satisfied

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(that's right - one year!) and I'll give you a 100%

prompt and courteous refund ... no questions asked!

Online Parent Support is all about:

• Serving people, specifically parents who are at a point of frustration with their child's emotional/behavioral problems and resultant parent-child conflict
• Providing an invaluable product that everyone can afford
• Providing a parenting-package that continues to grow over time by incorporating additional products and services at no extra cost to existing members

Feel free to contact me.  You'll get no "sales pitch" -- just answers to any questions you may have.

• My email: mbhutten@gmail.com  (I will respond within 24 hours!)
• My cell: 765.810.3319

1. What is your toughest parenting challenge currently?

2. What other problems are you experiencing with your child right now?

3. Do you have any questions about OPS or My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook?

A few emails from parents:

"I just have to let you know that I just started reading your book...I am in tears as I am reading. It is like you have been hanging out in our home, watching us. We are on our 4th therapist in a 3 year period and not one of them have seemed to have a grasp on what we are dealing with, but your first few chapters have summed us up almost immediately. I had to stop and say thank you." -- M.J.

"I had problems with my 15-year-old daughter last year and found your online course. I can’t even begin to tell you how helpful it was in turning my daughter around.  I followed it up with a trip to Uganda – just the 2 of us – for 15 days last summer, which forced us to bond. It’s been a great year this year and I want to thank you for your huge part in that. No more sleepless nights.  Your website gets lots of referrals from me! I think your method utilizing online courses and support groups is brilliant. Warm regards." -- M.H.

"Thank you for your concern for others. My husband and I were at the end of our ropes. I prayed for wisdom and God certainly answered my prayer.  I have already tried some things on the first week actually the day I ordered this and to my amazement - they worked!!  I had already been thinking the turmoil was like a drug for my daughter and I was right.  Thank you so much and God Bless you!" – E.H.

"Tara and I joined your website for our 16 year old quite a few months back. Let me say this after having gone through many different programs for difficult teenagers, your program is very solid. We have told our current counselors and connections about it so that other parents may use your very good resources, too. Our son is to the point now where he no longer argues." – T.M.

Dear Discouraged/Frustrated Parents,

I know I’ve made some pretty strong claims above. And you might be thinking, "This guy is full of it …he must think he can work miracles.”

No, I’m not a miracle worker. But you don’t need a miracle! All you need is this simple set of proven parenting techniques to use with your oppositional, defiant child.

I'm not offering a complete cure for ALL behavior problems, and I'm not trying to claim that every single thing that you'll ever need to help your child is in my eBook. But if you are looking for rock solid and proven solutions to a whole bunch of parenting-predicaments that you have with your out-of-control child, then I'm confident that you can benefit from my help.

For many years now I've been running a very successful parent program, but I wanted to take it a step further.  I wanted to reach out to parents worldwide and help them discover that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. That’s when I came up with Online Parent Support (OPS).  Since its launch in 2004, OPS has overwhelmed users and success rates have been phenomenal.

If you're one of those parents who has paid a fortune on must-have parenting eBooks only to find they were full of useless information you could have gotten anywhere, then don’t make the mistake of clicking off this site before you at least call or email me with some specific questions about My Out-of-Control Teen eBook. I guarantee you won't find this information anywhere else.

You could (and may) spend the rest of the afternoon surfing and "researching" only to find that you've gained a wonderful knowledge of what the problem is without any knowledge of what to do about it.

Let’s face it: You have been force-fed garbage and misinformation that will never put your teen back on the right track.  All you have really been doing is building-up even more barriers and creating more stress – for you and your family.

I'm tired of reading all the bad advice out there …I’m tired of seeing teenagers' lives ruined because they just can’t be controlled …and I’m tired of seeing parents chase their tails in a hopeless cycle of frustration, drama and chaos.

I’m giving you the chance to break the cycle of abuse and mistrust …to bring harmony back into your life …and to keep your child from self-destruction. And I’m going to put my money where my mouth is:

If you don’t begin to experience success with these strategies within the first week, then I want you to email me – mbhutten@gmail.com – and say, “I want a refund.” With one click of my mouse, I will send your refund-request to PayPal (the secure network that sells my eBook), and they will promptly refund 100% of your purchase.

Parenting strong-willed, out-of-control children is tough! If you don't know how, that is...

Here’s a recent email from a new member of Online Parent Support. She and her husband sent this email to their son’s Counselor:

“…coming up with a proper diagnosis and treatment has taken us down many roads, all leading to different therapies, parent-education classes, including Jayne Major's course Breakthrough Parenting Services as well as James Lehman's Total Transformation Program. Through countless hours of research and phone calls, we have discovered the different levels of support are dependent on insurance, out of pocket expenses, including potentially selling our home and putting him in a residential treatment center with no guarantees of a positive outcome. Needless to say, quality intervention has been hard to find. Recently we found an on-line course by Mark Hutten called My Out Of Control Teen. It seems the most helpful and pragmatic approach so far. We wanted to share with you where we are in the course so we are all on the same page in helping our son and family through this crisis.”

$29 is really a painless drop in the bucket compared to the money you could lose over time with counseling, parent-education classes, psychiatric evaluations, treatment, etc.

Yes, for the price of dinner at a local restaurant, you will have all the information you need to jump full force into getting peace and respect back in your house again. If you need to justify the expense, skip taking the kids to McDonald's for dinner once this week - and it's paid for.

If you’re going through the same parent-child conflict that most of the other parents who land on this site are going through, then the problems at home and school are not getting better -- they’re steadily getting worse. How much longer are you willing to wait?  I'm guessing that you have already wasted too much time and energy trying to get some real solutions.

I trust that you’ll take a step of faith here and get started with this on-line program immediately.

~ Mark Hutten, M.A.

WATCHING THIS SHORT VIDEO before purchase:

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==> Frequently asked questions...

==> Emails from a few of the parents who have joined Online Parent Support...

==> A brief biography can be viewed here...

My Out-of-Control Teen eBook is the

#1 Best Selling Parenting eBook for "Defiant" Teens.
Even if you have a very slow internet connection,

download time is only about 5 - 30 seconds.

Audio CDs of the parent-program are
available to OPS members upon request.
Delivered in 3 - 7 days.

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Cell: 765.810.3319
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

_______________________________________

About the author: Mark Hutten, M.A. is the founder of Online Parent Support and a parent coach with more than twenty years’ experience. He has worked with hundreds of children and teens with behavioral problems over the years. He presents workshops and runs training courses for parents and professionals who deal with troubled children and teens, and is a prolific author of articles and ebooks on the subject.

About Online Parent Support: Online Parent Support was the first “online program” for parents with defiant children and teens, and has been helping parents like you since 2003. Dozens of parents join Online Parent Support every day. YOU can be next! You can start your program in 15 min. from now, and you WILL see positive changes in your child’s behavior within the first week -- or your money back! Has your son or daughter been "out-of-control" for several months - if not years? If so, then alarm bells should be going off. You know changes need to happen!

Defiant Behavior versus Normal Teenage Rebellion

Many families of defiant teens live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur because teens are naturally rebellious, to a degree. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. 

 

We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our teenager. But what does it cost us?

There is a significant difference between normal teenage rebellion versus defiance:

• Defiant teens are destructive and disagreeable by nature
• They like to push their parents' anger-buttons
• Every request results in a power struggle
• Lying is a daily habit, and stealing is a favorite hobby
• Getting others to react strongly pleases and amuses them
• They blame others for their mistakes and misbehavior
• And they have no remorse for the hurtful things they say and do

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a defiant child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent -- are the one with the problem. Parents of defiant teens are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive. Where does that leave a parent?

Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of her/his teenager.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of the defiant teen -- he/she sees YOU, the parent, as the enemy. Small expectations on the parent's part can set the defiant teen off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.

Your home becomes a war-zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities -- and your own sanity. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your troubled teen. You want him/her to have a fulfilling life and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous effects on our well-being, literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

In parenting a defiant teenager, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope.

The strains a defiant teen puts on your family can be enormous.

Effects on the family:

• A defiant teen will play one parent off the other, which could result in  a rift between parents.
• Dreams of the perfect, loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a family with a defiant child can become quite dysfunctional.
• Due to the child’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
• Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration.
• Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with defiant children.
• Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened.
• Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the defiant child takes up so much of the parent’s time.

Defiant teens are not bad -- but they are very intense.  And they seek intensity from others as well -- especially their parents!

Unfortunately, they have discovered that their parents are the most intense and exciting when things are going wrong.  What parents may have viewed as punishment for their defiant child was actually a reward (i.e., he/she received a bigger payoff for misbehavior).

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Quick Tips for Regaining Control of Your Out-of-Control Teenager

The adolescent years are notoriously difficult to navigate, which can create a nightmare for moms and dads whose teenagers are out-of-control. Whether your son or daughter is lying, stealing, doing drugs, or acting defiantly – you CAN resolve these issues with the proper strategies. 

Here are some quick tips on how to regain control:

1. First of all, YOU have to take care of YOU. Dealing with out-of-control teenage behaviors is very stressful. Build in some time for social support and recreation each week so that you can recharge your batteries and feel refreshed and motivated to continue on.

2. Come up with a plan on how you will hold your teenager accountable. What will you do if he does not meet your expectations?  How will you respond? In the heat of the moment, it’s most effective to state your expectations – and then walk away. Then after things have calmed down, do some “problem solving” and give a consequence if the situation calls for it.

3. Don’t over-negotiate. If you over-negotiate with an adolescent that is trying to be the boss, you're giving her the message that she's your equal. Soon she’ll start bargaining with you in order to behave appropriately.

4. Expect setbacks. Change is a slow process. Be patient and take one day at a time. Things will get better, but your teenager will still make mistakes along the way – it’s the way he learns. Start with a fresh slate each day and stay positive.

5. Expect your adolescent to react strongly to the new structure you impose as soon as you establish it. Adolescents do not give up power easily.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Find a support group for moms and dads of troubled adolescents. Listening to the struggles and solutions of other parents will make you feel less alone and will give you strength to face challenging situations at home.

7. Find out everything you can about your adolescent. Adolescents are experts at hiding what they don't want you to know about, and many times moms and dads are experts at turning the other way and ignoring unacceptable behaviors in hopes that they will get better on their own. Although checking up on your adolescent may feel like spying, and snooping through his backpack may feel like an invasion of his privacy, it is your job as a mother or father to know what your adolescent is up to so that you can protect him. Talk to his teachers, friends and siblings to get another perspective on your teen. Have regular discussions with him about his life. Listen carefully – without interruption – to what he says, and try to understand what he is feeling. Remember that adolescents feel things much more intensely than grown-ups. Don't discount strong feelings simply because they don't make sense to you.

8. If everyone understands what the rules are, the chances of your teenager following those rules increase. Thus, write up a behavior contract with your adolescent. If something is written down on paper, it becomes more real. The contract should clearly define what she has to do in certain key areas. If she complies with the contract, she will be rewarded (be sure to outline what those rewards will be). If she does NOT comply with the contract, she will receive appropriate consequences (be sure to outline what those consequences will be).

9. If the problems seem too big for you to handle, seek support elsewhere. This is not a sign of weakness, rather it is a sign of resourcefulness, commitment to change, and a good way to add another tool to your parenting toolbox.

10. If you have more than one teenager in the house and want to regain control over ALL of them, you will need to first regain control of the “dominant” teen. Even though his siblings may be acting out as well, your “alpha teen” is causing the imbalance in authority; thus, he is the one you have to manage initially. Of course, you have to hold your other teens accountable for their poor choices, but your main priority should be to address the behavior of the dominant teen (e.g., give him consequences that he can't undermine, then be firm and follow through with them).

11. If your teen is severely out-of-control, consider making an appointment with a mental health professional to rule out disorders such as ADHD, depression or anxiety. These disorders and others like them can prevent your adolescent from reaching his full potential and leave him feeling frustrated, stressed-out and unable to live a happy life. Medication to control these disorders can make an enormous difference in your adolescent's attitude and general well-being, and may put an end to any related behavioral problems.

12. Know that lectures and speeches aren’t effective. Instead, have conversations that are focused on what your teenager’s responsibilities are, and how she can meet them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

13. Know the difference between motivating your adolescent with a “reward system” versus “bargaining.” When you’re bargaining with her, she’s often wearing you down until you give in (e.g., you may end up saying, “Okay, as long as you don’t drink any alcohol, you can go to that party”). On the other hand, when you're rewarding her, it's clear that you're the one with the authority giving out the reward.

14. Know what your expectations are and write them down for future reference. Also, make sure you are able to communicate your expectations in clear terms. 

15. Moms and dads need to partner together and come up with a game plan that outlines how they will deal with their adolescent as a team. Develop a plan that you are both comfortable with. Have a “parent’s-meeting” and get clear about your unified message before presenting it to your teenager. The mother and father that can't get on the same page about how to hold their adolescent accountable will end up creating a vacuum in power (which their out-of-control adolescent will only be too happy to fill).

16. Parenting classes and therapists in your local area can be a big help if you are struggling to regain control of your teen’s behavior.

17. Refrain from making excuses for your teen’s attitude and be honest with yourself regarding her behavior. It's easier to overlook a few lies or turn the other way when you know your adolescent is engaging in risky behavior than it is to confront her and meet challenges head on. But without your strict guidance and intervention, these behaviors will only get worse.

18. Remember that your journey toward more effective parenting will start with just one step.

19. Reward positive behavior in your teenager whenever you see it (e.g., “Hey, I noticed you put your dirty laundry in the clothes hamper – great job!”).

20. Lastly, when attempting to address behavioral issues, simply focus on your top 3 concerns. What behavioral problems are causing the most chaos in your home? Choose the 3 most problematic concerns and write them down. Your list might look something like this: “(1) refuses to do homework, (2) picks on his younger brother, and (3) slams his bedroom door really hard when he’s mad.” Then rank your top 3 concerns in order of priority. The top issue on the list is where you put your main focus for now. The other 2 issues can wait until you have more time and energy. Working on just one thing is enough for now. Keep it simple.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Uncontrollable Anger in Your Teenager

Anger in teens takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of anger (i.e., the behavior) that parents see. Some adolescents may repress their anger and withdraw, while others may be more defiant and destroy property.

Anger is an emotion – not a behavior, and it is usually caused by something going on in the adolescent's life. Treating uncontrollable anger in teens generally involves several types of psychotherapy and training for your teen – as well as for you. Treatment often lasts several months or longer. If your son or daughter has co-existing conditions (e.g., ADHD), medications may help significantly improve symptoms. However, medications alone generally aren't used for anger-related issues unless another disorder co-exists.

Here are 17 crucial tips for dealing with uncontrollable anger in your teenager:

1. At first, your teen probably won't be cooperative or appreciate your changed response to his or her behavior. Expect that you'll have setbacks and relapses, and be prepared with a plan to manage those times. In fact, behavior can temporarily worsen when new limits and expectations are set. However, with perseverance and consistency, the initial hard work often pays off with improved behavior and relationships.

2. Be forgiving. Let go of things that you or your teen did in the past. Start each day with a fresh outlook and a clean slate.

3. Build in time together. Develop a consistent weekly schedule that involves you and your teen spending time together.

4. Assign your teen a household chore that's essential and that won't get done unless the teen does it. Initially, it's important to set your teen up for success with tasks that are relatively easy to achieve and gradually blend in more important and challenging expectations. Give clear, easy-to-follow instructions.

5. Consider individual and family therapy. Individual counseling for your teen may help him or her learn to manage anger and express his or her feelings more healthfully. Family counseling may help improve your communication and relationships, and help members of your family learn how to work together.

6. Employ social skills training. Your teen might benefit from therapy that will help him or her learn how to interact more positively and effectively with peers.

7. Learn ways to calm yourself. Keeping your own cool models the behavior you want from your teen.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

8. Model the behavior you want your teen to have.

9. Pick your battles. Avoid power struggles. Almost everything can turn into a power struggle — if you let it.

10. Recognize and praise your teen's positive behaviors. Be as specific as possible, such as, "I really liked the way you helped wash dishes."

11. Set up a routine. Develop a consistent daily schedule for your teen. Asking your teen to help develop that routine may be beneficial.

12. Set limits and enforce consistent reasonable consequences.

13. Research parent-teen interaction therapy (PCIT). During PCIT, therapists coach moms and dads while they interact with their teenagers. In one approach, the therapist sits behind a one-way mirror and, using an "ear bug" audio device, guides moms and dads through strategies that reinforce their teenager's positive behavior. As a result, parents learn more-effective parenting techniques, the quality of the parent-teen relationship improves, and problem behaviors decrease.

14. Take time for yourself. Develop outside interests, get some exercise and spend some time away from your teen to restore your energy.

15. Try cognitive problem-solving training. This type of therapy is aimed at helping your teen identify and change through patterns that are leading to behavior problems. Collaborative problem-solving — in which you and your teen work together to come up with solutions that work for both of you — can help improve anger-related problems.

16. Work with your spouse or others in your household to ensure consistent and appropriate discipline procedures.

17. Get involved in parent training. A mental health provider with experience treating uncontrollable anger in teens may help you develop skills that will allow you to parent in a way that's more positive and less frustrating for you and your teen. In some cases, your teen may participate in this type of training with you, so that everyone in your family develops shared goals for how to handle problems. As part of parent training, you may learn how to: 

• avoid power struggles;
• establish a schedule for the family that includes specific meals that will be eaten at home together, and specific activities that mom and/or dad will do with the teen;
• give effective timeouts;
• limit consequences to those that can be consistently reinforced and if possible, last for a limited amount of time;
• offer acceptable choices to your teen, giving him or her a certain amount of control;
• recognize and praise your teen's good behaviors and positive characteristics; 
• remain calm and unemotional in the face of opposition, or take your own timeout, if necessary.

Moms and dads must be aware of signs to look for in an angry and aggressive adolescent. It's common for adolescents to fight with their moms and dads, peers and siblings, but certain signs and symptoms are indicative of a bigger problem. When an adolescent appears isolated, spends a lot of time in his or her room, or does not want to participate in typical activities, you may have a reason for concern.

A drop in grades, lack of appetite, sleeplessness or too much sleep is also a sign that an adolescent is troubled. Crying often or constantly finding a reason to argue is also a common trait in an angry adolescent. When an adolescent feels very angry or out of control, aggression can take over. Physical contact, such as pushing or smacking a parent, sibling or peer, is a clear indication that the adolescent needs help.

Although some parent management techniques may seem like common sense, learning to use them in the face of opposition isn't easy, especially if there are other stressors at home. Learning these skills will require consistent practice and patience. Most important in treatment is for you to show consistent, unconditional love and acceptance of your teen — even during difficult and disruptive situations. Don't be too hard on yourself. This process can be tough for even the most patient mother or father.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Are Your Raising A Spoiled Child?

Nobody wants to raise a spoiled youngster. But striking a balance between love and over-indulgence can be hard. There are no scientific facts about spoiled kids …no hard facts detailing the subject. However, there are plenty of moms and dads who worry about over-indulging their children, and plenty of professionals who have opinions on the matter.

My definition of a spoiled youngster is one with a sense of entitlement (e.g., "I deserve whatever I want – and I shouldn’t have to work for it”) who has a parent that is over-protective and all-giving (e.g., “Telling my child ‘no’ may damage our relationship”).

What does "over-protective" have to do with spoiled?

Well… over-protective moms and dads don't want their youngster to fail; therefore, they do everything in their power to make sure this doesn't happen. But at a certain point, these moms and dads are no longer doing their youngster a favor. The youngster becomes accustomed to having things done for him/her, and assumes that everyone will work for his/her success – and that's just not true!

How To Stop Spoiling Your Children—

1. "No" is not a bad word: In other words, you're not hurting your child by saying “no.” In many cases, you may be helping him. Your youngster does not have to love you every minute of every day. He'll get over the disappointment of having been told "no" – but he won't get over the effects of being spoiled.

2. Avoid comparisons: Setting limits and saying "no" becomes even harder when moms and dads of your youngster's friends are saying “yes.” Stand firm by your decisions. Your son may complain that all of his friends have an X Box and nobody will want to come over unless he gets one, too. I suggest telling your youngster to enjoy playing the video game at friends' homes and finding something unique to do at his own home. Your son has qualities and possessions that attract his friends, and they will still want to come over. He should be proud of these things, not embarrassed or upset by what he doesn't have.

3. Avoid materialism: If your parent-child relationship is based on material goods, your youngster won't have the chance to experience unconditional love.

4. Be a good role model: We're not the only influence in our children' lives, so we better be the best influence.

5. Don't let your guilt get in the way of your parenting: Your job as a parent is not to make yourself feel good by giving the youngster everything that makes you feel good when you give it. Your job as a parent is to prepare your youngster to succeed in school and in life. Children have to be socialized in a way that they understand “you work hard for what you get.” You don't want to teach your youngster that they will get everything through manipulation, pouting, crying, door slamming and guilt induction.

6. Make sure your youngster understands the value of hard work: One mother always told her daughters, “If you make Cs, you're going to have a C standard of living. If you make Bs, you're going to have a B standard of living. If you make As, you're going to have an A standard of living.” Help your youngster set goals. Teach her that striving to own nice things is fine if she understands how much hard work it takes to afford that, and then doesn't base her self-worth around what she buys.

7. Make sure your kids aren't defining their happiness and their status in the world as a function of what they wear or drive: Sit down with them and have a one-on-one conversation about what really defines their worth, their intelligence, their creativity, their caring, their giving, their work ethic, etc.

8. Money is not the problem: Money has nothing to do with spoiling a youngster. Even kids from low-income families can wind up spoiled. If you are on the phone with your husband, even if you're just talking about dinner plans, and your 7-year-old keeps wanting to talk to you, wants to interrupt and thinks that's OK ... he's spoiled. The youngster assumes you are going to drop everything and pay total attention to him. You have indulged this behavior in the past, and now the youngster expects it all the time. Kids are going to ask for things, and moms and dads are going to want to say “yes.” They simply enjoy giving things to - and doing things for - their children. It's like a high, an honor, a joy. But think about it this way: you don't need all the sugar you want ... so why does your youngster?

9. Prepare your youngster for reality: Your primary job as a parent is to prepare your youngster for how the world really works. In the real world, you don't always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as a grown-up if you've experienced it as a youngster.

10. Redefine what taking care of your kids really means: Are you providing for them emotionally and spiritually? You need not buy them material goods in order to create a bond. Instead of tangible gifts, how about spending some time together? Be careful that you aren't teaching them that emotions can be healed by a trip to the mall.

11. Set limits and stick by them: It's tiring and tedious and just not fun, but moms and dads must decide what they are willing to give their kids in terms of material goods and attention, and then stand by this decision. Once you take a stand, recognize that your youngster will try to manipulate you. He'll give lots of logical reasons why he needs to have something. But stick with your decision! So if you do buy your youngster a toy after telling him you wouldn't, you can be sure he will persistently badger you the next time you say "no." He now knows that if he's persistent, he can break down your resolve.

12. Stand firm: Of course, this single act is not going to magically change your youngster. You must consistently tell your youngster when you think she is acting spoiled. Explain why you think this and why it's important to compromise or share. Most importantly, begin setting limits and standing by them.

13. Teach charity: For instance, if you believe you've bought too many toys for your youngster, tell him so. Go on to explain that he does not play with all of them and is no longer putting them away or taking care of them. Allow him to choose a few favorite items, and then give the rest away to charity. This will teach him about giving to others while learning to value what he has.

14. Think of the future: Remember that this change won't be easy, but it is important. If you continue to spoil your kids, they will get to the point where they are not satisfied by anything!!! They will never feel gratified. When you decide to stop spoiling your youngster, it doesn't mean you can no longer buy her designer clothes or nice things – just cut back. Buy one pair of designer jeans, not twelve.

15. Understand "intrinsic" versus "extrinsic" motivation: Intrinsic motivation is when people do things because they feel proud of themselves when they do it. They feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement. Extrinsic motivation is when someone does something because of external motivation (e.g., they will receive money, a toy or privilege if they do the task). If you are always rewarding your youngster with material things, he will never learn how to motivate himself with internal rewards like pride. He also will never learn to value things, because there are so many things - and nothing is special.

==> Discipline for Troubled Teens

Making Summer Vacation a Positive Experience

For teenagers, summer is the highlight of the year – no responsibilities, sleeping in until noon, a kitchen full of food, and the sweet smell of independence. Many moms and dads work full-time throughout the summer; some go on vacation and leave adolescents with an easygoing relative or friend; and some older adolescents are even left alone when moms and dads are away. All of the structure and scheduling that occurs during the school year turns into unadulterated freedom in the summer.

For moms and dads, the start of summer means the countdown to September is on. As yet another school year comes to a close, mothers/fathers are making last-minute plans to keep their adolescents occupied for three long months. Sure, a few weeks may be spent on a family vacation, some adolescents may attend summer school, and others may take up a new hobby. But that still leaves hours each day and days each week when adolescents are home with nothing to do. How many days can you invent amusing activities and outings that will keep your adolescent out of trouble?

With less structure and adult supervision, the summer is ripe with opportunities for adolescents to fall into a bad crowd, experiment with drugs or alcohol, or get into other forms of mischief. If your adolescent has been struggling during the school year, more trouble may be awaiting you in summer. Adolescents are looking for adventure, risk, and excitement, especially in the summer. Being bored at home is the exact opposite of what they need. They will find a way to take risks and live adventurously with or without your support and guidance.

Kids and teens that are not supervised are more likely to commit crimes, be victims of crimes, do drugs, or hang out with gang members. Young people start committing crimes around noon during the summer, compared to 3 p.m. during the school year. In addition, adolescents tend to commit drug crimes later in the evening during the summer, most likely because they can stay out later without worrying about getting up early for school. This means adolescents need constructive activities to occupy a broader range of time in summer than during the school year. For working moms and dads, it's difficult to be around from noon until late in the evening every day.

More adolescents try marijuana for the first time in summer than at any other time of year. This translates into 6,300 new users each day, a 40 percent increase in first-time youth marijuana use during June and July as compared to the rest of the year. A hike in new underage drinkers and cigarette smokers also occurs during the summer months.

By taking proper precautions and planning ahead, moms and dads can make summer vacation a positive and memorable growth experience for adolescents. Where should parents begin? Two words: Summer camp. Yes, there is cost involved, but for most struggling adolescents, the benefits are well worth the price.

Most adolescents want nothing more than a summer to hang out with their friends. However, for adolescents that are acting out, falling behind in school, disrespecting authority figures, or getting in trouble with the law, a break from negative peer influences may be exactly what they need. Sometimes the best thing for the whole family is to take a break, with a struggling adolescent attending camp to learn new skills and ways of approaching family conflict, and family members doing their own work at home.

There is no better way to make constructive use of free time than learning something new - a new skill, exploring an unfamiliar place, meeting new people. Therapeutic wilderness programs offer a unique opportunity for troubled adolescents to explore the wilderness on foot, learn primitive life skills, and participate in challenging group activities. When stripped of the comforts of home, like television, computers, and video games, adolescents connect with themselves and others on a deeper level.

Wilderness camps emphasize responsibility, self-awareness, teamwork, and communication, and challenge adolescents to achieve their personal best. Adolescents are introduced to a new group of peers and learn to relate to people of all backgrounds. They live in a structured, highly supervised environment, which helps adolescents gain perspective on life at home and build self-confidence and hope for a brighter future.

If summer camps and wilderness programs aren't right for your adolescent, consider getting him or her involved in volunteer work. Animal shelters, halfway houses, nursing homes, churches, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and other organizations can keep adolescents occupied while developing a sense of purpose, self-confidence, and personal responsibility. In addition to teaching adolescents the joy of giving back, volunteer work looks great on college applications and resumes.

Another activity to keep adolescents busy this summer is a part-time job. Many moms and dads find internships or small tasks for their kids to do at their place of employment, or you can help your adolescent apply to local grocery stores, restaurants, retail stores, local car washes, or pet care facilities. Adolescents can also earn extra money babysitting, doing yard work, house-sitting, and other odd jobs. Part-time work helps adolescents budget, make friends, comply with authority, develop a strong work ethic, and learn the value of a dollar.

Keeping your youngster busy for the sake of being busy can be as disastrous as doing nothing. Your adolescent may rebel against the cluttered schedule and seek out more interesting people and places on his own. Your money would be put to better use in a summer camp with a clear, focused goal, such as a wilderness camp or weight-loss camp.

Moms and dads who are seeing early signs of behavioral or emotional problems in their kids have an excellent opportunity to get their children back on track during summer vacation. Waiting to address these issues until the summer has started or problems become serious would do a disservice to your adolescent. Start talking with your adolescent at least a month before the start of summer vacation to make plans, reserve a place at camp, and coordinate schedules.

More Tips for Making Summer Vacation a Positive Experience:

1. A stagnant economy may make the summer job search a bit more difficult than usual. But if your adolescent is serious about looking for summer work, encourage her to find (or create) a job that she can do during the morning (e.g., if she starts a lawn-mowing business, encourage her to schedule her appointments for the morning, before the hottest part of the day).

2. From volunteer experiences to summer internships to organized sports, summer vacation is an excellent time for adolescents to explore topics that interest them, but that they may not have the opportunity to delve into during the school year. If your adolescent enjoys sports, summer vacation is a great time to participate in a league or take part in a short-term skills camp. For adolescents who are interested in sports but who don't want to play, many youth leagues are always on the lookout for officials, scorekeepers, and coaches. If your family's financial situation is such that paid employment isn't a requirement for your adolescent during summer vacation, think about volunteer work or an unpaid internship. In addition to boosting your adolescent's college resume, these opportunities can also give your adolescent real-world work experience and insights into a career field that she is interested in.

3. Summer camp opportunities today include computer camp, finance camp, theater camp, wilderness camp, space camp, adventure camp, and many more. In addition to topic-centered summer camps, experienced professionals also operate innovative summer camps that are designed to support, motivate, and provide a memorable summer experience for all types of adolescents, including overweight kids and kids with learning disabilities, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and certain types of autism. In addition to providing a nurturing and accepting environment, weight loss summer camps and summer camps for special students can provide long-term educational, emotional, and therapeutic benefits for these kids.

4. If your adolescent has a history of behavior problems, defiance, substance abuse, or related challenges, summer vacation can be a difficult time both for him and for you. In the absence of the structure and support that is provided during the school year, summer vacation can cause significant backsliding in the behaviors of troubled adolescents and at-risk adolescents. To avoid these problems – and to turn summer vacation from a negative experience into a positive educational opportunity – educate yourself about the many therapeutic wilderness programs for troubled adolescents that have been established over the past few decades. In addition to helping your adolescent with issues related to behavior, mental health, and substance abuse, a summer wilderness program for troubled adolescents can also instill leadership values, personal responsibility, and a heightened sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

5. If your adolescent is a swimmer (or wants to learn), sign her up for morning lessons or a community team that practices during the a.m. hours. If your adolescent needs an academic boost, find a morning tutoring program (which serves the dual purpose of getting him out of bed and getting the "painful" part of the day out of the way).

6. If your adolescent wants some freedom during his summer vacation days, trade afternoon hours for morning chores. The benefits: Your adolescent is awake, your household chores are taken care of, and there's no daylong back and forth about what needs to be done. If the chores are done by a pre-determined time, afternoon activities are allowed; if the work isn't done, the afternoon schedule is curtailed or called off.

7. Realistically, handing your adolescent a schedule of morning chores, activities, and work assignments is not going to end your summer vacation stress. But anything you can do to encourage your adolescent to buy into (or take ownership of) the summer plan will make the process go much smoother. Sit down with your adolescent and discuss your hopes and plans for summer vacation. Perhaps you can trade hours (morning chores for afternoon fun), or maybe you can ease some restrictions (for example, an extended curfew) in exchange for desired behaviors (phoning home at predetermined times when out of the house, or completing a certain number of chores). In addition to reducing your adolescent's resistance to the summer vacation schedule, negotiating will make enforcement of punishments a bit more palatable, too, because your adolescent will know the penalty before he violated the rule.

There's a good chance that a significant portion of your adolescent's summer dreams involve, well, dreaming. From post-noon wake-ups to midday naps, extended snooze sessions can be among summer's most enticing opportunities for sleep-deprived, school-stressed adolescents. While there's no reason to insist that your adolescent rise with the sun during summer vacation, there are more than a few justifications for opposing a "wake me for dinner" mentality.

Don't just get by this summer, counting down the days until September. Wasted time is a wasted opportunity. A bold and exciting summer vacation can be a life-changing time of continued learning and personal exploration for adolescents.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting Troubled Teen Girls: 30 Tips for Parents

The teen years for girls are a period of real danger. Girls entering puberty often face a "crisis in confidence" which makes them vulnerable to risky behavior, and these bad choices can have devastating lifelong consequences. They are confronted with drugs, peer pressure, sex, dating, bullying and more.

Teen girls encounter more "stressors" in life, especially in their interpersonal relationships, than teen boys, and they react more strongly to those pressures, accounting in part for their higher levels of depression. The best way to help your troubled teen girl is to intervene as soon as you sense something is wrong.

Here are some important tips for raising teen girls:

1. Aim at building and maintaining strong family relationships, especially between daughters and fathers. While teen girls may rebel against this, a close-knit family is a strong support structure in times of need.

2. Allow teen girls to express themselves within reason and don’t take everything personally. It is not good to repress emotion and by occasionally overstepping boundaries, girls will get a feel for what is appropriate.

3. Ask your daughter's teachers and school staff for an update on her. If they are seeing the same behaviors that you are, it's sign that your teen girl is in trouble. If they tell you her grades are slipping, she's skipping class or becoming aggressive, you should be concerned. This is also important information to gather if you're going to take your daughter to therapy.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Be patient. It is very important not to lose your cool every time your daughter makes a mistake or goes wayward. Remember, patience and perseverance pays. Learn to give your teen girl some time to open up. Spend some quality time with her. Give her the freedom to approach you at anytime of the day. Once this is done, your daughter would discuss with you every time she is in a dilemma.

5. Define the problem. It's important to determine the source of your daughter's behavior. Although the teen years are a time of great flux, a complete behavioral change is not a normal facet of adolescence. If your daughter seems to have done a complete 180-degree personality change, it's important to determine why. There usually is a reason.

6. Discuss sex. This might be a little awkward for you, but it is very important to discuss everything related to sex with your daughter. With virginity not a big thing for the new generation, make sure your daughter realizes the need to be careful with her sexuality and the matters relating to sex. Ensure that she knows what is right and what is wrong, when it comes to sexual intimacy between a boy and a girl. Let her see the advantages of remaining a virgin. If you don’t talk about sex, she will gather information from the Internet and uneducated peers, which may lead to bad choices.

7. Don't feel you have to defend yourself. Your teen daughter may accuse you of things that are not true, say things that are hurtful or exaggerate situations. As the parent, you do not need to help them rationalize these things during an emotional moment. Likely your teen girl is not going to be able to hear what you are even saying, and if she is able to hear it, she will likely not be able to effectively process it. If you feel it is important to explain yourself (and often time it is not) then it is better to wait and do this during a time when emotions are under control.

8. Encourage daughters to set goals in life and as far as possible, model the balance between family and work.

9. Engage in family therapy. If your teenage daughter is abusive, whether you know it or not, it's affecting every member of your household. You'll want to involve everyone in therapy to deal with this issue.

10. Engage teen daughters in discussions about pop culture and advertising. Ask their opinion on the latest trends and whether she thinks they are healthy.

11. Find your teenage daughter a mentor that can help her weather the rocky teen years. Even if you feel as though you have a fairly open relationship with your teen girl, some things she simply cannot communicate to you. Whether it's a relative, a mentor from a non-profit organization or a friend of the family, allowing your teen girl to talk to someone without feeling hurt or jealous can help her talk her feelings and emotions out.

12. Get individual therapy for your daughter and any other family members greatly affected by the abuse. Parents of abusive teens can usually benefit from individual therapy or couples therapy as well, because it's extremely difficult to deal with this type of situation every day.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

13. Give space. Make sure not to be too nosy. Remember, your daughter needs some personal space and that she would not like you to interfere and be intrusive about every small thing in her life. Give her the space she wants, but do not let her totally loose. A little bit of restriction and a little bit of freedom will ensure a balanced lifestyle for her.

14. Help teenage daughters to reach their full potential. This can be done by encouraging interests and providing opportunities and training in those areas. Teach them independence and allow them to make decisions and learn from mistakes. Help her to find a path by asking her what her goals are. Troubled teens are often those that lack direction. Perhaps your teenage daughter hasn't thought about her future and chooses activities with short-sightedness. Help your daughter define the future and register her in activities and classes that will help to get her there and help to keep her out of trouble.

15. If your daughter is using drugs, she's probably not going to admit it. In fact, she'll probably try to hide it at all costs and make excuses to cover it up. If you want to know if your daughter is using, drug test her. Drug-testing kits are available at most local drug stores; you also can take her to her primary care physician to get tested. Drug tests aren't always reliable, because teens have ways of messing with them such as putting water in the test instead of urine. What your daughter and the therapist discuss is going to be confidential, which means the therapist will not be able to tell you anything your daughter has told her. However, if your daughter informs the therapist that she is in danger, then the therapist is mandated to let you know. For example, the therapist will tell you if your daughter is being abused, is suicidal or is using dangerous amounts of drugs.

16. Know what matters. It's important to keep your priorities intact during your daughter's struggles. If your daughter is dealing with larger emotional, social or psychological problems, it's probably not in anyone's best interest to nitpick over a messy room or poor grades. In this case, save your energy for the more important battles.

17. Listen and acknowledge. Make time to talk to your troubled daughter. Arrange a time and a safe, neutral place to draw your daughter out without too much pressure. This could be while driving in the car, watching a show or over dinner. Ask how things have been lately, and listen without lecturing, rebuttals or dismissing concerns. Instead, acknowledge and validate your daughter's concerns and fears. Let her know they are normal, and you want to talk about them. Open the lines of communication between you so you can better understand how she is feeling. Listen to complaints and woes, but don’t try and fix everything. It is more helpful to listen in an understanding manner to allow your daughter to come to her own conclusions.

18. Offer positive feedback so your daughter can count on your for a self-esteem boost. When your daughter acts up, it can be tempting to overreact and blow up at the situation, doling out harsh consequences and even harsher words. But a teen girl will see your reactions as typical and use them to fuel and validate her bad behavior. Before you say anything negative to your daughter, make sure it's prefaced by something positive. You'll likely simultaneously surprise her and let her know that she has worth in your eyes.

19. Open the lines of communication so that your daughter knows that they are available. You may be willing to talk, but your teen daughter doesn't feel comfortable opening up to you. Wait until you're in a casual setting; ask her open-ended questions about her life at school, her social life and her romantic life. She may be generally unreceptive at first, but you're letting her know that talking is OK, and you're available when she needs to vent.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

20. Provide a sounding board for your daughter. Although teens often seek autonomy and independence from their parents, they still need to feel loved, respected and understood. Talk to your teen girl about the things she's dealing with at school, her friends, and the pressures she might encounter. Let her know you're there for her as a safe and unwavering source of support. This will make her less likely to seek out approval and support from questionable sources.

21. Put yourself in your daughter’s position when trying to understand what seems to be an unreasonable request. Find out what motivated her to ask for such a thing.

22. Remain calm. This can be very difficult - especially if your daughter is yelling at your or saying hurtful things. However, if you also become extremely emotional, you will likely not have a productive interaction and you may end up feeling bad that you said things you later regret. Speaking in an even, calm voice often results in the other person lowering their voice and calming down.

23. Say "No". Too often parents sabotage their own efforts by saying "yes" too freely. Whether you don't have the energy for a fight or you simply don't care, saying "yes" too often can give your teenager too much freedom. Even if your daughter rebels, saying "no" lays the ground rules, especially if your daughter is dealing with drug or alcohol abuse. Learn to say "no" to your daughter when she begs you for money, the car or a late curfew. Be consistent and firm so your daughter knows what to expect.

24. Set and maintain boundaries in connection with activities such as drinking, driving, drugs, sex, curfews and computer use. Set clear consequences for breaking the rules and carry these through.

25. Stay involved with your daughter’s education, no matter what her level of ability, and guide her into wise subject choices according to her gifts.

26. Take space. If you feel yourself ready to blow, there is no reason why you cannot take space for yourself. A lot of parents find that going into the bathroom is the best way to do this (although each person should do what works best for them). Whether you go to take a shower or bath or just pretend you need to be in there doing something, often times this gives both the parent and the teenager a "cool off period" and prevents situations from escalating further. Teenagers most often will not bother others when they are in the bathroom with the door closed.

27. Talk to your daughter about what you're seeing and why you're concerned about her. More than likely she'll blow it off and say that you're worrying for nothing and she's fine. Most teenagers don't admit they need help to their parents.

28. Teach your teenage daughter calming techniques during non-emotional times. It is often helpful for parents to talk to their daughters about ways of remaining calmer during times when things are going well. Many parents come up with plans for their teenage daughters where they can ask to be left alone for ten minutes to listen to music and calm down before continuing the conversation. Other parents have worked with their daughters on deep breathing, counting to 10, writing down how they are feeling first before yelling it, etc. These can all be effective if discussed and reviewed during non-emotional times. You know your teen daughter the best and can likely help her find a technique or a couple techniques that will work for her.

29. Use positively discipline. Your troubled daughter expects that you'll yell and discipline when she does something you don't approve of. But positive discipline can be just as effective with teenagers who think they've got you figured out. Parenting experts recommend using positive discipline to teach teens the value of compliments and positive reinforcement. Avoid negative statements, and look for the good in your troubled daughter.

30. Validate. Let your daughter know that you understand she is upset (even if you don't understand why) and that you know it must be difficult for her to be that upset. Sometimes just feeling heard can make a very big difference in how your teenager responds to you. You don't need to agree or fully understand, just acknowledge and validate how she is feeling.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents