From St. Paul's Preparatory Academy

I have worked for the school for over twenty years in various positions including therapist, Director of Residential Life, Dean of Counseling, Dean of Students. Recently we have established the position of Parent Liaison to assist parents with the challenges of having their son in a boarding school and I have moved into this role. In addition to being a mentor for the parents, I will also be conducting parenting workshops through the year.

I am also working on a school based website that will offer assistance to our parents, and am pleased to be offering a link to your web site and book. Your book and web site is an excellent source of guidance and support for all parents, not just those of troubled teens.

Best regards,

Jim Graves, MC
Parent Liaison
St. Paul's Preparatory Academy
Educating Young Men Since 1961

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eBook ==> My Out-of-Control Teen
Website ==> www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I DIDN'T REACT

Hello Mark,

Well, I don't want to jinx myself because C___ has only been home for one week and I am aware this is a honeymoon phase, but let me cautiously say, it is definitely working so far. And really, who needs botox once you have perfected the "poker face"? In my case, I have been fairly expressionless all week!

Also in our favour is that he has picked up a part time job, which requires him to be responsible, organised, and courteous to customers, which is all fantastic. He still asks me to do everything for him, like driving him to work, ironing his uniform etc...I will drive him if it is nighttime or raining, otherwise he has had to find his own way there. I am very proud of him, (and me for sticking to my guns). I have made the effort to praise him on little things through the week, even if he was spitting venom at me merely 30 minutes before hand. And his stepfather has initiated conversation with him, those open-ended questions worked treat. (That relationship is severely fragile).

It has definitely not been easy, but we have picked our battles. Within half an hour of picking him up the swearing etc started. Telling me he only came home because he assumed by me calling the police that we wanted him to come back. (?) That he should've gone to live with his nanna, anything that would've caused me to become emotional and have an argument. I merely told him that we love him, are happy for him to live here with us if he chooses to live by the rules and if he chooses not to then he can go. Well, at that moment I think he nearly died. The threat to run away and leave home no longer had an effect.

He has pushed us though. The first night home he asked if he could go out, I said no, he went anyway. The next day I asked if we had not made ourselves clear about him choosing to live here, and he hasn't gone out since!

I have used ‘the art of saying no’, a lot. The ‘art of saying yes’ is a bit more difficult because to spite me he would rather do without something from me than to give me something in return. BUT, in telling him that I love him at night times before bed, he returns the sentiment in kind. (I know he must love me deep down if he needs to ring me during his break at work to talk to me about his shift so far.) He is surprised at the attitudes of some customers toward sales people, however has done remarkably well in keeping his temper in check (then venting to me....swearing and all.)

He has tried all the old methods of pushing my buttons, and then, guess what....? after the whole morning of giving me everything he had yesterday, he simply gave up! Mind you, I was exhausted by then. He let fly with the whole arsenal of swear words, at me and his little brother. He matter-of-factly told me that I need to reconsider my parenting style and that I should have had him when I was older. That’s funny, because I have changed my parenting style....it just doesn’t get him what he wants now. He tried bullying me into re arranging the house so he could have the room he wanted, all manner of criticisms and jabs....BUT I DIDN'T REACT. I wanted to, but that wrinkle saving poker face worked a charm. He persisted in yelling out to me rather than coming to the lounge to talk to me. When I refused to converse with him this way he started to send me texts via mobile phone rather than walk to the lounge, which of course ignored. If I didn’t drive him to work, then I should not bother picking him up afterward, he would just sleep in a park. Fine. His attempts went on and on all day.....NO REACTION>>> He must think aliens took his mother and left this person instead.

I know it is early days, and right now it is exhausting and a 24/7 effort to remember what to do at certain times, but with time it will become second nature, hopefully for him too! Lets see how we are in a months time....fingers crossed.

B.

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Hi B.,

Thank you for the update. This is very good news. Keep doing what you're doing. I think you're over the biggest hump now. Oh ...and thanks for being a great student. Well done!

I predict that his "acting-out" will occur less frequently, but when he does, it will be as intense as before...

...then after a few more weeks, the problems should also reduce in intensity since he is learning there is no payoff (i.e., reaction from you) for "intensity-seeking" behavior.

I'll be waiting in the wings for a future update.

Mark

Online Parent Support, LLC

Sign me "an obligated parent..."

Hi Mark,

I will tell you that I've done the first two steps and I'm still reading, but I wanted to have a copy handy electronically to build a cheat sheet and mold my mantras. Thanks so much for writing this, I was a little hesitant at first when I was browsing your site...but in the end, I was more like...it can't hurt and if it teaches me one thing...then for that I will be a better parent.

Your statement you make in the first step "I have an obligation to you, my child, as a parent to..." That statement alone made me a better parent. I've said it to my son and I've said to others in my life who would like to be a bigger priority in my life. This statement has made things even more clear to me...as a single parent and for that I'll always be grateful. Thanks again.

Sign me "an obligated parent who gladly accepts the honor of releasing into this world (eventually) an upstanding, independent, responsible, young, adult male."

Gracefully,

R.V.

Online Parent Support

CF Officer Works With Out-of-Control Youth

Mark,

I am an Officer in the Canadian Forces Reserve (CIC) and my Branch of the CF deals with youth training (ages 12 to 19). I currently command my own unit. I am always dealing with youth who are either out-of-control, or have a tendency to get out-of-control. I also work with a Special Needs camp for teens with behavioral problems, and melt-downs are not uncommon. I have found your e-book and power point presentations an excellent source of information at opening up the line of communication with these kids.

My own children are 4 and 6. They are not out-of-control teens, but I feel that the information you have given me will allow me to set the ground rules to allow for a great "teen experience". I am fully aware of "inclusion," and I empower my kids now to behave well for me by allowing them to set the limits in a task, trip, or outing, so they feel like it's there work paying off. I know at age 6 the concept may be lost, but I feel what they learn from it will allow me to understand how to keep those lines of communication open down the road.

I would like to thank you for such great material. I hope I can change the lives of many more teens, as I have done much so far. However, it is only those who really want to change their lives that I have been able to help. They must make that decision as they under go their own journey.

T.T.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

13-Year-Old Refuses To Go To Camp

Mark:

I have a 13-year-old who is refusing to go to a gifted and talented camp he registered for. He says he would not have if I hadn't pressured him to. I have explained he could have refused then as much as he is now. Our school spent over $500 on this. I do not have lots of money to pay it back and neither does he. I think he is afraid to do something alone and new. It is a week long and away from home. There are 2 others from his class of 10 that will be there, but both girls. He has gotten a little clingy at times--at others, he is willing to be gone for hours/overnight with no concern. Help!

J.

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I wouldn’t force him to go. Is there anyone else who could take his place? We’re talking about separation anxiety here. Separation anxiety is excessive concern about separation from home or from those to whom the child is attached. The youngster may develop excessive worrying to the point of being reluctant or refusing to go to school, being alone, sleeping alone, going to camp, etc. Repeated nightmares and complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) may occur.

All children experience anxiety. Anxiety in children is expected and normal at specific times in development. For example, from approximately age 8 months through the preschool years, healthy youngsters may show intense distress (anxiety) at times of separation from their parents or other persons with whom they are close. Young children may have short-lived fears, (such as fear of the dark, storms, animals, or strangers). Anxious children are often overly tense or uptight. Some may seek a lot of reassurance, and their worries may interfere with activities. Parents should not discount a child’s fears. Because anxious children may also be quiet, compliant and eager to please, their difficulties may be missed. Parents should be alert to the signs of severe anxiety so they can intervene early to prevent complications.

Symptoms of separation anxiety include:

·constant thoughts and intense fears about the safety of parents and caretakers
·refusing to go to school
·frequent stomachaches and other physical complaints
·extreme worries about sleeping away from home
·being overly clingy
·panic or tantrums at times of separation from parents
·trouble sleeping or nightmares

Mark

Prodigal Son Is Returning Home

I have however printed out the age appropriate behaviour/chore charts from the e-book and we are in the process of tailoring them to our household. I have one for our 9 yr old as well for fairness. I wanted to wait until C___ was home so that both S___ (his step dad) and I could talk to him together. I didn’t want to do it on the phone because C___ can, does and will play me at any given opportunity.

Before he left we told him that we would be changing the house around to accommodate for our growing family. C___ was previously staying in our sunroom, a huge room with access to the balcony. I know, I know.....he used it to full advantage....smoking outside....friends coming in the backdoor etc. We needed his old room for the baby because of its proximity to our room....anyway he will be going back to his old room.(and losing his teenage retreat!). In his absence we have converted the sunroom to a kids play/media room, with C___’s bed in there as a spare. We packed his things and they are in storage in the garage. I know that may sound harsh but we have been through this many times. It was cathartic for me to get in there and CLEAN IT OUT.

I guess what I'm asking is, was I wrong to store his things and convert his room? And do you think we are doomed to failure because I didn’t tell him immediately about our expectations of him, and wanted to show him a united front with his step dad. He has been very successful in the last 7 years at playing us off against each other, (well, playing me off against anyone that gets in his way really). Our plan was to tell him (together!) he is more than welcome to stay in the "spare" room initially and if he is willing to play by the rules, as setout in the above mentioned behaviour/chore chart, we will make up his old room for him.

I also am not allowing tv/games in bedrooms anymore, for the fact that he feels it is his right for the girlfriend to watch movies in there and they just happen to fall asleep. YEAH RIGHT. That will go down a treat. I am expecting loud vocal resistance to this, and many other things but as I said before, we are adamant to retain the peace in our home that has come about since he has gone, and I am prepared to tell him to go if he won’t tow the line.

I should have confidence in my decisions but I have never raised a teenager before, and especially one with Conduct Disorder. I guess I just need to know that our above decisions are ok? Or do you still think we will get punked?

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Re: ...was I wrong to store his things and convert his room, and do you think we are doomed to failure because I didn’t tell him immediately about our expectations of him, and wanted to show him a united front with his step dad?

>>>>> No, you were not wrong ...and no, you are not doomed.

Re: ...do you still think we will get punked?

>>>>> I predict that, if you stick to your guns, things will get worse for a short period of time (10 - 30 days), then you will begin to see some significant and positive behavioral changes in your son.

I'm glad you have a united front ...this is terribly important.

State the expectations and the consequences for violating the expectations. If he chooses to violate a house rule, follow through with the consequence. If he refuses to accept the consequence and is adamant about operating under his own rules, then you should remove him from the home.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

You Just Got Punked -- Again!

Hi Mark,

Good news (I hope). Just when I resigned myself to not having C___ back home with us in the near foreseeable future, he text messaged my phone requesting birth certificate and bank details because he has found a part time job. (Part time is good because it means he still intends to go to school). His own money is a worry because of his need to drink and smoke it. (And other drugs).

He came around home and visited briefly with his brothers, collected the above requested documents and left. I felt guarded and defensive, (and then guilty because being his mother I should've been more open and "loving"). He didn't know where he was going to be living, but he was clean and looked well, and was polite to myself and his brothers. He wanted to hold the baby and talk with my 9 yr old.

After he left I felt so bad I texted his phone and told him that I love him, even if I have trouble saying it at times. (And after a bit of self-discovery I realised I only have trouble saying it to him, not my other two sons??) He returned the message telling me that even though he hated me at times, and apologised for it, I was still his Mum an he loved me too. Thank God for modern technology because otherwise these sentiments would unsaid. Shame.

Anyway, as I was thinking of him today he texted me again and said he was thinking of coming home, if that was okay. I replied of course it was fine, but decided to leave the logistics until he returns. (The "rules", and if he doesn’t like them that he will have to go). Should I have told him then and there? This is the first time he has asked to come home of his own accord. We have physically dragged him home before.

He later messaged again asking for my help with work/tax related information so I called and he informed me that he would be returning in a few days. I still didn’t say anything about the rules. (Mind you, these rules are no different really to what we tried to enforce before.)

I am STILL afraid of upsetting him.

1. Why do I tread on eggshells around this child for fear of him getting upset?

2. So, why do I treat him differently? (His father died when he as 8 and I put his behaviour down to this earlier on, but then it escalated to the present day.)

3. Why has he managed to dictate the run of the house?

4. Why am I afraid to upset him? I am afraid it is too late for the rules and consequences because he has been away from home, and he has just done whatever he likes in the past. If I told him ‘no’ he would tell me to get f#$% … then go anyway?????

I am feeling some dread at his return... because I am not looking forward to his reaction when we tell him its our way or the highway, (because I don’t want him to leave again).
AGGGGHHH help....

B.

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Hi B.,

I only have one phrase for you: You Just Got Punked! (i.e., fell for a manipulated again).

Here you go again -- round 25.

Expect a honeymoon phase where things go well for a few days or weeks, then you'll be right back to where you started (i.e., major parent-child conflict).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com