A Parent's Worst Nightmare: 2C-I ("Smiles")

A new killer drug has recently hit the U.S. All parents should be aware of this and talk to their teenagers about it:

2C-I (also called "Smiles") is becoming a serious problem. This drug comes in liquid, pill or powder form and is usually snorted or ingested.

Overdoses of the drug have been reported in Indiana and Minnesota, but 2C-I is surfacing in many parts of the country. During an overdose, the user’s muscles may become rigid and his/her body temperature becomes elevated. Overdoses have been known to cause seizures, kidney failure, and fatally high blood pressure.

The effects of 2C-I have been called a combination of MDMA (ecstasy) and LSD, only far more potent. Users have reported a speedy charge along with intense visual and aural hallucinations that can last anywhere from hours to days.

2C-I is relatively new. It first surfaced around 2003 in European party scenes and only recently made its way to the states. One user describes the high as a "roller coaster ride through hell," while another warns "do not drive on this drug," after recounting his own failed attempt on the highway.

According to data obtained by the American Association of Poison Control, half of those exposed to 2C-I in 2011 were teens. The fact that 2C-I is new and untraceable in standard drug tests makes it more of a challenge for physicians to treat. It also contributes to drug's growing popularity among high school and college-age young people.

Users of 2C-I report a physical stimulant effect, often quite strong and clean. The onset of effects usually occurs within two hours, and the effects of the drug typically last somewhere between 4 to 12 hours (depending on the dose). The effects of the drug at smaller dosages (less than 12 mg) have been reported as more mental and less sensory. The effects of the drug at larger dosages (12-30+ mg) are often described as combining psychedelic or hallucinogenic effects typical of drugs such as LSD with the empathogenic or entactogenic effects of drugs such as MDMA.

Users report feeling light and sometimes giddy or excited during the first two hours. Some physical effects include dilated pupils, high energy, and muscle relaxation. Unpleasant physical side-effects include muscle tension, nausea, and vomiting.

What teens need to know:

• Unless they are aware of the problem, physicians in your area may not immediately test for this chemical if you are admitted to the hospital due to an impending overdose, which means they won't know what to do to help you!
• Those caught distributing the drug face serious criminal charges.
• Teens in North Dakota and Minnesota who gave or sold the drug to other teens who overdosed are now being charged with 3rd degree murder.
• Teens who take 2C-I behave erratically and describe the trip as being an intense - and horrific - visual and aural hallucination that can last from hours to days.

If you suspect that your teenager is taking 2C-I or other synthetic drugs, consult with his or her doctor immediately!

Are You Creating A Monster?

What’s up with this title: Are You Creating A Monster?  

Well… in other words, are you spending a lot of time, energy and money seeing to it that your child is as “happy as a lark” to the exclusion of helping him or her develop self-reliance and a sense of personal responsibility?

Kids don’t turn into a monster because they’re innately bad. Instead, an over-indulgent parent who doesn’t provide limits and structure can foster out-of-control behavior in children. If you are creating a monster, you’ll know it. Child monsters are rude to you and other grown-ups. They won’t share with other kids. They will act bossy and demand to be first in line. They don’t answer your questions and ignore your instructions. If you deny them a new toy or treat, you’ll face a tempest of crying, howling, and little fists pounding the floor. 

Here are a few more signs that you are in the process of creating a monster:

1. Your child believes the rules do not apply to him.
2. She can be very manipulative.
3. He does not get along well with authority figures.
4. She refuses to do any chores.
5. Tantrums are normal in toddlers, but your 5-year-old is still throwing a fit every time she doesn't get what she wants.
6. When you say "no" to your child, "no" eventually becomes a "maybe" which eventually becomes a "yes."
7. You don’t want your son or daughter to have to go through what you went through as a child.
8. You feel guilty because of having to work and not being able to spend enough time with your child, so you compensate by giving him a lot of freedom and privileges.
9. You have a hard time asking your child to do a particular chore because you know it will likely start an argument.
10. You rarely (if ever) leave your child with grandma or a babysitter.
11. You serve dinner and your youngster doesn't want to eat what's on the table, so you go out of your way to make a special meal for him.
12. You sometimes feel guilty about your parenting (e.g., “I haven’t done enough” or “I haven’t done a very good job”).
13. You sometimes feel sorry for your child.
14. You try to be your child’s “friend.”
15. Your 6-year-old continues to act like a baby or toddler -- kicking and screaming, biting other kids, and not using age-appropriate ways of communicating her thoughts and feelings.
16. Your child feels entitled to privileges, but not responsible for his actions.
17. Your child is in charge (i.e., the tail is wagging the dog).
18. She usually gets her way in the long run.
19. He usually throws fits when it's time to go to school or day care.
20. Your youngster can't go to sleep unless you're there.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

So how do avoid creating a monster? By setting age-appropriate boundaries that let children go after life exuberantly and test the limits, starting in the toddler years. Here's how:

1. Many moms and dads shower their children with gifts and never require them to earn something on their own. But spoiling your children with all the toys, clothes, and electronic gadgets they want deprives them of important life lessons (e.g., saving up for a treasured possession). If you get everything you want, you don’t learn gratitude. If you never have to wait, you don’t learn patience. Unchecked, a youngster’s sense of entitlement can spill over into the classroom, sports team, and play dates, causing rejection from other peers. Even spoiled brats hate being spoiled brats. They will be the first ones to know that their selfishness is getting in the way. They will show you, even as they’re defending themselves, that they’re envious of peers who aren’t spoiled.

2. Avoid rescuing or overprotecting your child. Is your son always late for school? Stop nagging and let him suffer the consequences of constant tardiness. It sounds simple, but most moms and dads are quick to rush in and rescue. Unless the child is in danger, let him stew in the messes he makes. Moms and dads who repeatedly shield their children from consequences thwart their growth in character.

3. Avoid the trap of over-explaining or haggling endlessly over routine matters (e.g., tooth-brushing, turning off the video game, bedtime, etc.). Your youngster will only argue with you like a pint-sized lawyer. Does your 10-year-old son really need dozens of nightly reminders about the benefits of personal hygiene if he’s smart enough to beat you at Chinese checkers?

4. Be consistent. Always do what you say you're going to do. If you tell your daughter there will be consequences for a certain behavior, she should know you mean it. “This time I'm really taking your iPod away if you don't get busy doing your homework" doesn't work when you've already said it ten times.

5. Commit yourself wholeheartedly to stop creating a monster. You have to commit. If you do it halfway, it’s better than not at all, but it’s not going to work until you really do it. For example, a mother who wants a youngster to start cleaning his room has to make sure that the job gets done right. If you pick up one crayon and a piece of clothing and that’s it, it isn’t going to work.

6. Don't let your guilt get in the way of your parenting. Your job as a mother or father is not to make yourself feel good by giving your son or daughter everything that makes you feel good when you give it.

7. Provide consistent discipline and consequences. Actions speak louder than words. Cut the chatter and provide concrete consequences. For example, is tooth-brushing a problem for your youngster? Try no snacks for the entire next day. No warnings, no threats, just a total prohibition of junk food for the next 24 hours.

8. Redefine what taking care of your kids means. Are you providing for them emotionally and spiritually? You need not buy them material goods in order to create a bond. Instead of tangible gifts, how about spending some time together? Be careful that you aren't teaching them that emotions can be healed with food and fun activities.

9. Replace empty threats with clear, calm, concise instructions. Children hear their moms and dads say, "stop, no, it’s the last time." All the screaming and the counting to three and the threats -- we have trained them to ignore us for 11 hours because they know that in the 12th hour, they’re going to get their way. Say what you mean. If you just say the words and say what’s going to happen and stick to it, that’s what has the power -- the consequence. You don’t even have to yell.

10. Stay calm. Losing your temper with bad behavior only makes you feel bad and look out of control (kind of like a monster) -- and it doesn't teach the youngster better behavior.

11. Stay on track. Despite a parent’s best intentions to stop creating a monster, lots of things can derail the effort (e.g., fatigue, being overwhelmed by work responsibilities, marital troubles, etc.). Moms and dads can remind themselves that the reason they’re going to give in is a selfish reason -- because it’s easier. Remind yourself that you didn’t hesitate when the child, as a 2-year-old, wanted to drink the Chlorox. You had to take it away from them, right? Even if they said they hated you and they screamed, you didn’t feel bad about that. You have to develop the same mind-set and realize that this is best for them.

12. Talk openly with your child about behavior as he gets older. School-age children are capable of insight, so sit down and to try to figure problems out together. For example, if you ask a son, "Why are you doing this?" …he may not be able to tell you. But if you say, "I wonder why this keeps happening" …that open-ended question might give him the room to speculate. You might be surprised by what you learn!

The bottom line is this: Your primary job as a mother or father is to prepare your youngster for how the world really works. In the real world, you don't always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as a grown-up if you've experienced it as a youngster.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Best Discipline for "Tweens"

The tween years are an exciting and challenging time for your youngster – and for you. This stage in your son or daughter's life occurs in that brief, eruptive time “between” (hence the name "tween") early childhood and adolescence. 

No longer is your little man playing cops and robbers in the confines of your backyard – rather he's now biking through the neighborhood with his buddies. And your darling baby girl may be thinking less about her Barbie doll and more about her appearance.

Tweenhood is a game-changer for the whole family. So, if your youngster is between the ages of 8 and 12, throw out all of your old childhood parenting books, because you'll need a new set of techniques for the years ahead.

In this post, you are going to get the top 25 strategies you'll need for nurturing and disciplining your tween:

1. Asking your tween to suggest a consequence. Your tween may have an easier time accepting a consequence if she played a role in deciding it.

2. Avoid punishing your tween when you're angry. Likewise, don't impose penalties you're not prepared to carry out — and punish only the guilty party, not other family members.

3. Avoid ultimatums. Your tween may view an ultimatum as condescending and interpret it as a challenge.

4. Be careful when scolding. Make sure you reprimand your tween's behavior, not your tween. Avoid using a sarcastic, demeaning or disrespectful tone. Also, avoid reprimanding your tween in front of his friends.

5. Be concise. Keep your rules short and to the point.

6. Be flexible. As your tween demonstrates more responsibility, grant her more freedom. If your tween shows poor judgment, impose more restrictions.

7. Be prepared to explain your decisions. Your tween may be more likely to comply with a rule when he understands its purpose.

8. Be reasonable. Avoid setting rules your tween can't possibly follow. A chronically messy tween may not be able to maintain a spotless bedroom overnight.

9. Be specific. Rather than telling your tween not to stay out late, set a specific curfew.

10. Consistent rules are still needed, but keep reviewing rules and changing them as your tween grows.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Don’t give too many orders – these can overwhelm tweens. Explain why some things have to be, but listen to their views. If you have to overrule, explain that until they are more mature, there are some decisions you must make for them.

12. Enforce consequences. Enforcing consequences can be tough — but your tween needs you to be her parent, not a buddy. Being too lenient may send the message that you don't take your tween's behavior seriously, while being too harsh can cause resentment. Be consistent when you enforce limits. Whatever disciplinary tactic you choose, relate the consequences to the broken rule and deliver them immediately. Limit punishments to a few hours or days to make them most effective.

13. Impose additional responsibilities. Assign your tween additional household tasks for misbehavior.

14. Impose additional restrictions. Take away a privilege or possession that's meaningful to your tween (e.g., computer time or a cell phone) when he is disrespectful.

15. Minimize pressure. Don't pressure your tween to be like you were (or wish you had been) at her age. Give your tween some leeway when it comes to clothing and hairstyles. It's natural for tweens to rebel and express themselves in ways that differ from their moms and dads. If your tween shows an interest in body art (i.e., tattoos and piercings), make sure she understands the health risks (e.g., skin infections, allergic reactions, hepatitis B and C). 

Also, talk about potential permanence or scarring. As you allow your tween some degree of self-expression, remember that you can still maintain high expectations for your tween and the kind of person she will become.

16. Prioritize rules. While it's important to consistently enforce your rules, you can occasionally make exceptions when it comes to matters such as homework habits, TV watching and bedtime. Prioritizing rules will give you and your tween a chance to practice negotiating and compromising. Before negotiating with your tween, however, consider how far you're willing to bend. 

Don't negotiate when it comes to restrictions imposed for your tween's safety (e.g., substance abuse, sexual activity, reckless driving). Make sure your tween knows early on that you won't tolerate tobacco, alcohol or other drug use.

17. Put rules in writing. Use this technique to counter a selective memory.

18. Set a positive example. Remember, tweens learn how to behave by watching their mother and father. Your actions generally speak louder than your words. Set a positive example and your tween will likely follow your lead.

19. Clearly state your expectations. To encourage your tween to behave well, identify what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behavior at home, at school and elsewhere. As you establish appropriate rules, explain to your tween the behavior you expect as well as the consequences for complying and disobeying.

20. Stay calm and avoid arguments as much as possible.

21. Understand your tween will want to test out her independence. Answering back or disobeying can often be a way of demonstrating this, and showing she has a mind of her own. Encourage as much independence as possible, even if it involves some risks – tweens need to learn by their own mistakes.

22. Use active ignoring. Tell your tween that you'll talk to him when the whining, sulking or yelling stops. Ignore your tween in the meantime.

23. Use specific praise, describing exactly what it is being given for.

24. Use “reflective listening” (i.e., feeding back what you’ve been told and not leaping in with your own judgments).

25. Encourage cyber safety. Get to know the technology your tween is using and the websites he visits. If possible, keep the computer in a common area in your home. Remind your tween to practice these basic safety rules:

• Don't get together with someone you meet online.
• Don't send anything in a message you wouldn't say face to face.
• Don't share passwords.
• Don't share personal information online.
• Don't text or chat on the phone while driving.
• Talk to a parent or trusted adult if an interaction or message makes you uncomfortable.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens with Attention Deficit Disorder: Tips for Parents

Adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), also known as Inattentive-type ADHD, can be difficult to detect. It is a disorder that causes inattention behavior in adolescents inappropriate to their age. Unlike other forms of ADHD, Attention Deficit Disorder often does not cause disorderly behavior, so adolescents who suffer from this disorder may go unnoticed by parents and teachers.

Struggling at school alone does not indicate that an adolescent has Attention Deficit Disorder. For a therapist to consider a diagnosis of adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder, symptoms must have been present from childhood, must manifest themselves in more than one setting (e.g., school, home, or work), and must interfere with successful functioning in two or more of those settings for at least six months. For example, an adolescent who is having problems at school but is fine at home, at work, and in social situations would not be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, but might have another problem (e.g., a learning disability).

If your adolescent was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder as a youngster, the beginning of adolescence is a good time to have him reevaluated, because symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder can change during this time. The normal struggles of adolescence can be especially difficult for individuals with Attention Deficit Disorder. Though living with Attention Deficit Disorder can be challenging for adolescents and their moms and dads, adolescents with Attention Deficit Disorder can learn to deal with their challenges.

Attention Deficit Disorder sometimes gets better with age, but in some cases, the associated learning disorders do not improve, and the adolescent may develop problems with disorderly behavior or insubordination. Many adolescents with Attention Deficit Disorder, however, are able to learn to function well as young adults.

The cause of adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder is unknown. It is not caused by problems at home or school or poor parenting, though these factors may cause additional difficulties for these adolescents. Researchers currently believe the main causes for adolescent Attention Deficit Disorder are neurological imbalances and genetics. Exposure to alcohol or cigarette smoke in the womb, premature birth, or exposure to lead may increase the risk of this disorder.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


Some conditions that may accompany Attention Deficit Disorder include:

• Anxiety
• Bipolar disorder
• Conduct Disorder
• Depression
• Learning Disabilities
• Oppositional Defiant Disorder
• Tourette's Syndrome

Some problems can look like Attention Deficit Disorder, which is why only a medical professional can diagnose the condition. Some things that can cause symptoms that may look like Attention Deficit Disorder include:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Middle ear infections that affect hearing 
• Recent changes or losses (e.g., a move, divorce, death, etc.)
• Sleep deprivation 
• Undetected seizures
• Gifted children may also display some of the same symptoms as Attention Deficit Disorder children (e.g., inattentiveness in class)
• Other mental disorders

The professional who evaluates an adolescent for Attention Deficit Disorder can be his or her psychiatrist, a neurologist, a psychologist, or a clinical social worker. A doctor, neurologist, or psychologist can also prescribe medication, if needed. A psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker can provide counseling.

The doctor should diagnose the client by checking his or her medical records, talking to parents, teachers, and others (e.g., coaches), and if possible, by observing the child in a variety of setting and activities.

Some questions a doctor will consider are:

• Are the behaviors periodic or more continuous?
• How do the behaviors affect the adolescent's life at school, at home, with friends, and in extracurricular activities?  
• How long have they been going on? 
• How many symptoms are apparent? 
• What related problems does the adolescent have?

Researchers do not agree on the best treatment for Attention Deficit Disorder. This is because the disorder can range from being hardly noticeable to being extremely noticeable almost to the point of disruption in the classroom.

Many child and adolescent psychiatrists are quick to prescribe drugs for treatment, but many times very effective treatment can be achieved by changing the adolescent’s diet. Removing things such as sugary breakfast cereals, soft drinks, cookies, and chocolate from an adolescent’s diet can many times be as effective as prescription drugs, depending on the severity of the disorder and the willingness of the mother or father to take what many may consider “drastic measures” to remove such “staples” from their teenager’s diet.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Comments:

•    Anonymous said... My 8 yo Aspergers son has severe meltdowns. He is inappropriate in social settings. He has no "stranger danger" even when we talk to him. Reads like a pro in 3rd grade class but has been tested and came in as a 4 year old. Therefore the behaviors and meltdowns. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, EDD, IDD and Bipolar. We are seeing also that he is OCD when it comes to food on his plate where the different foods cannot touch. This is a hard road and hope high school will be on his horizon because of all his early intervention and his present intervention.
•    Anonymous said... I need help with the following issue: My 14 year old daughter flees the house every time there is a minor problem. She punches doors and is destructive at times. She leaves even when punished. If you try to restrain her it gets very physical and she loses it.
•    Anonymous said... Hi Mark, This article came so timely for me, it is like heaven sent, thank you. My son was recently diagnosed with ADD inattentive type by our neuro specialist. I never heard of this type of ADD & was very sceptical but after reading your article, I agree that my 16yo son may very likely has the disorder. He was in gifted classes till 3 yrs ago when his dad passed away.

Post your comment below…

The Comedic Approach To Parenting

The last thing that most parents consider when they are trying to come up with some form of discipline for their unruly child is “humor.” But, when used in the right way at the right time, the use of humor and playful parenting can be a clever (and sometimes startling) technique.

The most important factor in disciplining a child is the connection between child and parent. While humor is certainly not the only way to make a connection, it's probably the best way since laughter and play appeal to most children.

Use humor to defuse tension. When a youngster has pushed his parents over the edge, humor can be a safe way to regain their ground. By putting a humorous slant on behavior that still must be addressed, parents model effective ways for children to handle feelings.

Turn anger into laughter. Parents who can help an angry youngster see the humor in her position without making her feel ridiculed is showing her how to calm down. When parent and child can laugh together, they become close again.

Here are some examples of parents’ use of humor:

1. Seven-year-old Kayla and four-year-old Michael were in the middle of an argument over a toy at the end of the day when their mom was already stressed-out from a hard day at work. Mom had neither the time nor the energy to put on her coaching cap and provide a lecture about “how to share.” Instead, she grabbed a big toy block and put it on top of her head and started singing, "I am a blockhead …I am going nuts …my children are fighting …I am a block head.”

The children burst into laughter and everyone was amused. Mom's clowning around had diffused the children's arguing. Mom then sat down with the children and said, "It has been a long day. We are all tired and hungry. Let’s go fix dinner together.”

2. Five-year-old Randy ran into the kitchen crying because his older brother had just accidently knocked down his barn made of Lego’s. Immediately, Randy's mom pulled out a tablespoon and a measuring cup. "We must get to work and count these tears," she said. "Maybe we can set a record!" Then she began collecting Randy's tears, emptying them carefully into the cup. Soon Randy was laughing. After a minute or so, he had forgotten what he was crying about.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. While at the grocery store, 4-year-old Kevin bumped his elbow and began screaming at the top of his lungs. Kevin’s dad gave him a quick hug, then pointed to Kevin’s elbow and said, “Oh, did you hurt your knee?” Kevin shifted the focus from tears to getting the right body part identified, and pretty soon he had forgotten the pain altogether.

4. As an argument between one mother and her 13-year-old daughter was heating up, the daughter rudely stated, “Kiss my butt.” The mother calmly replied, “O.K. Move your nose.” The daughter looked as stunned as a deer looking into headlights, and then she busted out with laughter – argument over!

5. One mother (a born comedian) had a list of comebacks for almost any situation. She was known for one-liners such as:

• Oh bologna, I forgot my “No Whining” sign!
• Not all children are annoying ...some are dead.
• Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
• You’ve been sniffin’ magic markers again …haven’t you?
• Don’t laugh …you’ll interrupt my depression.

Not every playful approach parents try will work. Moms and dads will need to experiment in order to find their child’s “funny bone.” Also, parents need to keep in mind that there are some things that just aren’t funny. Injuries, bullying, friend drama, and plenty of other circumstances are not humorous to most parents and kids, especially not at the outset.

Down the road the parent and child may find something humorous about the situation, but tread very carefully at the start. Part of developing a sense of humor includes understanding what is not funny, and this is very much a “lead by example” situation. Just as humor can connect parents and children, misused or misapplied humor can have the opposite effect.

All children have a funny bone. They love to laugh, play, and clown around. Humor is a very effective way to get children to do the things they don’t want to do. When moms and dads use silly songs and the element of surprise, children will often comply with little fuss.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Helping Anxious Children With Their Transition To Middle School

So your child is entering middle school this fall, and you are wondering how to manage the transition? The answer is, "very carefully" because his or her life is about to undergo a number of major challenges. The transition to middle school is marked by several significant (and perhaps stressful) changes:

• This is a time when young teens are most likely to experiment with at-risk behaviors.
• This complicated period of transition has often been associated with a decline in academic achievement, performance motivation, and self-perceptions. 
• The transition to middle school comes at a time when kids are also experiencing a host of other changes associated with the transition from childhood to adolescence. They are beginning to mature physically, and to think of themselves as individuals outside of their families. Their attentions turn to exercising independence and developing strong relationships with peers — while avoiding exposure and embarrassment. The atmosphere at home may become strained as both parents and kids struggle with redefining roles and relationships. 
• The middle school “mission” is different than it was in elementary school. In middle school, educators focus more on the child's acceptable conduct and adequate performance. As one teacher asserted, "We treat students as less delicate and more responsible here. We don't coddle them. We expect them to act more grown up."
• Social, developmental, and academic experiences are affected, requiring kids to adjust to what they see as new settings, structures, and expectations.
• Social cruelty gets worse. Both males and females become more socially aggressive with each other as they jostle for a place to socially belong among their independent community of peers. 
• It is the point at which kids begin to make pivotal decisions regarding their academic and career choices — precisely at a time when they may be distracted or turned off by academic endeavors.
• In most elementary schools, kids are taught in self-contained classrooms with a familiar set of peers and one or two educators. Once children reach middle schools, however, they must interact with more peers, more educators, and with intensified expectations for both performance and personal responsibility. 
• Early adolescence often brings a change for the worse. Young teens start pulling away, pushing against, and getting around adult authority in order to create more freedom to grow and to live on more independent terms. Now complaints, arguments, delays, disobedience, and testing limits become part of the child’s repertoire at home and at school.

So how can parents ease the transition and help reduce the friction that comes with this difficult change? Here are 25 important tips:

1. Accompany your youngster on campus tours and orientations offered to moms and dads and incoming students. The better you understand the school layout and rules, the more you can help your youngster.

2. Avoid overreacting to grades. Making sure your youngster gets a handle on how to meet the demands of the new school is the critical factor in the early weeks.

3. Buy your youngster a lock for his locker several weeks before school starts to give him plenty of time to practice opening and closing it. Also, consider whether a combination or keyed lock is best for him.

4. Ease any loneliness in the early weeks of school by helping your youngster arrange weekend social activities with neighborhood, church, or grade school peers.

5. Talk about your child’s concerns and anxieties about moving into middle schools. Be upbeat and reassuring.

6. If the middle school has a homework hotline, make sure your youngster knows how to use it.

7. Encourage your youngster to join group conversations. Discuss how to join in without interrupting, to add something relevant to conversation in progress, etc.

8. Encourage your youngster to join sports teams, clubs, or other extracurricular activities.

9. Explore the school's Web site with your youngster. Search for announcements, schedules, and events.

10. Find out the length of the passing period between classes. Time it out for your youngster. Demonstrate how far he can walk in that amount of time.

11. Get a copy of the student handbook. Review rules and requirements — especially the school's code of conduct, which describes consequences for violations of the most important rules. Ask the school staff questions about anything that's unclear.

12. Get a copy of your youngster's class schedule and mark the location of his locker and each classroom and bathroom on the school map. Tape both of these inside his binder. If your youngster has trouble reading maps, walk the route between classes with him — more than once, if necessary — and note landmarks that he can use to navigate.

13. Get a map of the campus and take your youngster to explore. Pick a time after school in the days just before school starts. Be sure to check in with the school office to get an OK for your explorations.

14. Go to back-to-school night, open houses, parent-teacher conferences and other events where you can connect with your youngster's educators.

15. Help your youngster be his own advocate. Encourage him to discuss problems and solutions with educators on his own, but be ready to step in and help as needed.

16. Help your child with time management skills. Work together on a schedule for study time, break time, chores, etc.

17. If your youngster has an Individualized Education Program (IEP), meet with the middle school IEP team before your youngster enters the new school. Discuss the qualities of the "ideal" teacher for your youngster to help ensure the best placements.

18. Include a couple of your youngster's friends on campus treks. They can boost each other's memory about where things are when school starts.

19. Make sure your youngster has an easy-to-read wristwatch so he can quickly see if he needs to hurry to be on time to class. If he has a cell phone, make sure the time is set correctly and he is in the habit of checking it.

20. Moms and dads need to learn about young adolescents and their developmental issues and stages so that they will understand better this new and wonderful person with whom they live, and be able to interact with her in positive ways that build relationships.

21. Moms and dads should watch for signs of depression and be ready to address them.

22. Practice skills needed for difficult social situations. Talk about social skills. Discuss how words and actions can affect other people. And remind your youngster to make eye contact when speaking or listening.

23. Stay connected to your youngster's school work. Try to teach him to work more independently while supporting him enough to give him confidence.

24. Talk about traits that make a good friend (such as being a good listener).

25. Work out an organizational system with your child. Acknowledge and make allowances for his anxiety. At first, he may need to carry everything for all classes all the time in order to feel prepared.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Teens Say They Don't Care About Consequences

Mom: “If you don’t stop slamming your bedroom door, you’re going to be grounded for the rest of the week – and the weekend!”

Teen: “I don’t care!!!” (SLAM)

Sound familiar?

If your teenager refuses to follow house rules, and also acts like the consequences for breaking the rules are a joke, then you (the parent) need to change your parenting approach.

There may be any number of reasons why your teenager fails to respect you, your rules, and your consequences. Does he refuse to accept the rules because he considers them unfair? In this case, the teenager's objections – and the parent's reasons – warrant further discussion. Are the rules clear? Important rules need to be put in writing.

Here are some tips for issuing consequences to teens that (supposedly) "don’t care" about consequences:

1. Be assertive without yelling or losing your temper. A willful teenager is likely to think it's funny to see you losing your cool. Disciplining your son or daughter will become a real struggle if you tend to get “bent out of shape” often.

2. Consequences should have realistic time limits (i.e., long enough to teach a lesson, but short enough to give the teenager a chance to move on to more positive things). 

3. Consequences work best when they are imposed as soon as possible following an infraction of the rules. If you delay the imposition of the consequences, you're blunting their emotional impact on your teenager.

4. Hit them where it hurts! I often hear parents say, “It doesn’t matter what I take away for punishment. My child simply laughs and acts like he could care less.” If this is the case, then you haven’t found the thing your child likes most. I have NEVER known a teenager who did NOT care about EVERYTHING. Your son or daughter has something very valuable that he/she does not want to lose! Is there a prom coming up? Is he/she about to get a driver’s license? How about that birthday party at his/her best friend’s house this coming weekend? Find out what is going to “hurt” if your child stands to lose it, and you just might have the perfect consequence.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. In order to deal with teens that don’t care what kind of consequence you issue, you must take a parental position that does not change.  If you bounce around all over the landscape, you only confuse your son or daughter. He/she needs you to be a fixed point of reference. Your teenager is very aware that you are imperfect.  She sees your inconsistencies, your bad habits, and your failures. Teens tend to become critical of parents who second-guess themselves.  As their world expands, they know other parents who are different, who have different rules, and teach different values. However, you can take a position that maintains your authority, admits that you are imperfect, and allows for your decreasing power as the teen grows older. 

6. Many moms and dads don’t distinguish between power and authority, and they assume they have absolute power. But you don’t have absolute power over the life of your teenager.  If he decides to defy you, what are you willing to do?  Lock him in the basement?  Are you willing to call the cops?  Would throwing her in Juvenile Hall solve anything?  You never want to reach the point where you are in a power struggle. If your teen ever decides you are the enemy, control evaporates.  Once you become the enemy, you are the problem in the mind of the teen.  You may be nagging your teenager because you care, but he/she only perceives that “my mom is on my back all the time.”  Thus, the real issue disappears as the teen concentrates on winning through defiance.

7. One of your major goals when issuing a consequence should be to help your teenagers think and learn. Remember that you don’t “own” your teenagers. The goal is not to own or keep them, but to help them learn to be responsible and accountable people in their own right.

8. The severity of consequences should fit the crime. Overly harsh consequences will encourage your teenager to resent the rules and your authority, which will generate more anger and rebelliousness. 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

9. There is great power in listening, but few parents tap into that source of power. When you really listen to your teenagers, it helps you understand where they are coming from and what they are thinking. It allows you to make better decisions when it comes to discovering which consequences will have a positive impact – and which ones won’t.

10. Ultimately, if you want your rules to be followed, you must enforce them consistently. That means not "forgetting" about them or occasionally suspending them because you feel guilty or because your teenager pressures you to do so. If you make empty threats, you're sacrificing your credibility and undermining your authority as a mother or father.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents