Teens Who Make False Claims That the Parent is Abusive

Hello, 

Last week I signed up to get your ebook and instructional videos. I have a question. My out of control teen has a set of grandparents and a family that she has convinced I am completely abusive to her. I have been turned into the authorities four times now from false allegations and have a meeting for a 'home visit' tomorrow with the latest investigation case worker. My daughter wants to go live with the grandparents and will do whatever it takes to get removed from my care.

My concern is a co-worker I know has a similar situation. Her son turned his mom in making abuse allegations. They didn't 'stick' so the second time he turned her in for alleged abuse he made marks on his body and called saying his mom was abusing him. It stuck that time and his mom, who wouldn't hurt a flea, is now on probation for 17 months for the abuse allegations.

When do I throw in the towel? I am very worried this is going to go the same way for me.......not if but when.

Thanks,

B.

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Hi B.,

This is all too common (i.e., the kid has learned that she can duck out off receiving consequences for poor choices by alleging abuse).

In short, I suggest letting your daughter try this new living arrangement with the g-parents (if they are amenable to it) – but – let her know that, in the case she burns a bridge with them and wants to come back to live with you, she will have to agree to abide by a behavior contract (that you draft-up ahead of time).

If / when the g-parents arrive at THEIR wits-end and ask you to take your daughter back, do so only under the understanding that they are not to allow your daughter to run back and forth from one home to the other depending on her mood / attitude at the time. GOT IT!

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Teens Who Frequently Drop the "F" Bomb

Mark, We are doing the consequence thing (for car use, computer, phone, being able to go out etc.) and he has not had to be grounded from everything in quite a while. What I would like are some suggestions for when he gets mad (while not on any consequence), and does not like the direction of the conversation/limits he has to adhere to and starts to drop the "f" bomb either in conversation or directed at me.

====> The house rule should be "no using the f___ word." Then if he uses the f___ word at any time, just treat it like you would any other rule violation. See "When You Want Something From Your Kid" {Anger Management Chapter - Online Version of the eBook}.

This behaviour is not related to his lap top but I have started to confiscate it for 24hrs at a time. If he can go without cursing for 24hrs he has earned it back, if not the 24hrs starts over.

===> Good. This is mostly on track.

It has gotten to the point where we need to deal with it--the curfew is not much of an issue (may be 10 minutes late but the next time out he has to be home earlier), phone use is acceptable as it must be turned off at 11:00pm on school nights and he does (or loses it for 24hrs), and he gives up the car keys at night and uses the car appropriately (going to/from anywhere only with our approval) or loses it for 24hrs or more. He has not gotten violent in over a month. He continues to push, push, push with the limits, however and we do try to stay strong and unemotional. We are now ready to deal with the smaller issues but need a consequence that is meaningful (him wanting to change behavior) yet connected to the problem. Any ideas?

===> If you want to get real creative, rather than taking the laptop away (which is somewhat unrelated to cussing), you can try the following:

Give him money for chores (e.g., $15.00 a week; to be paid at the end of the week), then charge him a fee for each time he uses the f___ word.

For example, he knows he will be getting $15.00 on Saturday for the chores he has done throughout the week. In that week's time, he says F___ three times. A fee of $1.00 is assigned each time he uses the F___ word. So his total pay after deductions for that week is $12.00.

If he loses all 15 bucks - that's fine. If he uses the F___ word 16 times in a week, he is still only charged $15.00. Unlike the consequence of having computer privileges taken away, once he loses a dollar, that dollar is gone forever.

Fully expect for him to 'burn up' all 15 bucks for a couple of weeks until he gets a grip on how this system works. Allow him to make the choice to cuss, then simply charge the $1.00 fee each time (with your poker face).

Also, what "chore" every day is acceptable? Can it be something really small like to putting clothes in the hamper instead of thrown on the floor, putting his clean clothes away, or should it be something more? I am OK with the smaller stuff for now.

===> Yes! The simpler - the better.

Yes, I strive to tell him something positive everyday and "I love you. His PO feels we (family) are all making progress but when you're living in it everyday it sure may not feel like it.

Thanks again Mark!

===> You're welcome. I'm glad you're on to the smaller stuff.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents of Defiant Teenagers

==> More information on how to deal with chronic teenage rebellion...