Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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I Hate You !!

"I know there are lots of changes going on and my daughter is going to react, but I need some support on another issue. She asked this morning if her friend could come over after school (chores had been done) so I said yes, but asked her to please call me and let me know if her friend was coming or not this afternoon (it was kinda up in the air awaiting approval from the other child's parents). My daughter called, as I requested, but left a vm on my work phone saying this: "Hi Mom, Mallory is coming over, I hate you, Goodbye." This for some reason annoys me to no end. I have no idea why, but I'm both infuriated and want to cry. Do I address it or not ... and if so, how?"

When your daughter says, “I hate you,” what she means is “I hate some of the things you say and do.”

Your daughter obviously knows that she can get a reaction out of you when she pushes your “I hate you” button (which is, in reality, a “rejection” button). Ignoring misbehavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case, I would totally ignore it. Here’s why:

As long as she knows you will react strongly to her sarcasm, she will continue to use it as a way to get your energy and intensity. If you ignore her sarcasm (i.e., “act as if” it doesn’t bother you), then she will no longer get any kind of “payoff” and will eventually stop saying these things.

If she were saying “F___ you”, or calling you a “B____”, or any other more inappropriate comments, that would need a consequence.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


EarthmA said...

My son is 7, and often tells me he hates me...then a second later he wants a cuddle. I just say..oh, ok! And the moment passes. There are too many other other issues to make a big deal out of this one! Good luck...remember, when she is a mother, she will think back to these says!

Jeannie said...

My two oldest have pulled this. I have taught them it is normal to feel hate but to say it to me is hurtful and not ok.. If they feel angry write it out,go for a walk, but do not rain down nasty words on me! Mom is too valuable and not to be abused with nasty hurtful words. They now never say it. Will walk away I give them space, then talk about it when everyone is less angry.


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