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The Science of Rebellion: Understanding the Psychology Behind Teen Defiance and Growth

Adolescence, typically spanning from ages 10 to 19, is a pivotal and transformative stage of development characterized by profound shifts in physical, emotional, and social realms. During this time, teenagers often engage in rebellious behaviors that can perplex parents, educators, and caregivers. To comprehend these behaviors fully, it's essential to delve into the psychological underpinnings of teenage defiance, illuminating how it serves as an avenue for personal growth, identity formation, and social exploration.


### Hormonal Changes and Emotional Volatility


As teenagers approach puberty, their bodies undergo rapid hormonal fluctuations that significantly affect their mood and behavior. The release of hormones such as testosterone in boys and estrogen in girls can lead to intense emotions, increased sensitivity, and heightened reactions to social situations. This volatility can manifest as anger, sadness, or anxiety, creating the ideal breeding ground for rebellious behavior as adolescents grapple with feelings they are often ill-equipped to manage.


### Brain Development: The Tug-of-War Between Emotion and Reason


At the same time, the adolescent brain is undergoing dramatic changes. Recent research in neuroscience reveals that while the limbic system—the brain’s emotion center—matures significantly during these years, the prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thinking and impulse control, develops much more slowly. This imbalance explains why teenagers might engage in impulsive, sometimes reckless behaviors that seem irrational to adults. They often feel an irresistible pull toward risk-taking, whether it’s challenging authority, experimenting with substances, or pushing curfew limits, driven by an emotional response rather than a logical assessment of consequences.



### Border Testing: A Natural Exploration of Limits


Testing limits is a critical part of an adolescent's journey toward independence. When teens push back against family rules—whether by negotiating later curfews, defying household chores, or experimenting with personal style—they aren’t merely seeking to annoy their parents; they are exploring their capabilities and asserting their individuality. Each act of rebellion represents a step toward self-discovery, a way for them to gauge the boundaries of their freedom and agency.


### Identity Formation: Crafting the Self


As adolescents experiment with different identities, their rebellious actions may reflect deep-seated explorations of self. They might adopt contrasting styles, shift friend groups, or align with various social causes—all tied to a quest for personal and collective identity. It's during this tumultuous phase that they navigate complex questions about who they are, what they believe in, and where they fit in the broader context of society.


### The Dynamics of Peer Pressure


The adolescent brain is particularly attuned to peer approval, often valuing social bonds over familial ties. This desire can drive teens to engage in rebellious behaviors, such as experimenting with substance use or participating in risky activities, to gain acceptance from their peers. Acts of defiance, such as skipping school or breaking curfews, may be pursued more for the sake of conformity than personal desire. Understanding this dynamic can help adults recognize that these actions are often less about the rebellious act itself and more about the social context in which they occur.


### Personality Traits and Rebelliousness


Some adolescents may naturally exhibit more rebellious tendencies due to their personality traits. For instance, those with high levels of sensation-seeking—characterized by a strong desire for novel experiences—may engage in riskier behaviors simply as an outlet for this trait. Alternatively, a temperamental predisposition toward emotional sensitivity may lead some teens to react more strongly to perceived constraints, resulting in oppositional behavior.


### Environmental Influences: Support vs. Restriction


The social and familial environments wield significant influence over a teenager's rebelliousness. Supportive environments characterized by open communication and mutual respect can mitigate acts of defiance. Adolescents who feel understood by their parents are more likely to express their needs and negotiate boundaries without resorting to outright rebellion. Conversely, overly strict or authoritarian parenting can provoke a stronger reaction, compelling teens to rebel more vehemently against prescribed rules and limitations.


### Channeling Rebellion into Positive Outlets


Instead of framing teenage rebellion as a purely problematic behavior, caregivers can utilize these moments as teachable experiences. For instance, allowing teenagers to voice their opinions, engage in discussions about rules, and question norms can enhance critical thinking and empower them to navigate future challenges thoughtfully. When adolescents feel that their voices are heard and respected, they are more likely to channel their rebellious impulses into constructive avenues.


### Establishing Boundaries While Fostering Autonomy


Creating an environment that allows for both boundary-setting and autonomy is key. Adults can establish clear expectations while inviting teenagers to participate in discussions regarding their freedoms. For example, negotiating consequences for rule violations or discussing the rationale behind household expectations can foster a sense of shared responsibility. This collaborative approach not only respects the teenager's growing need for independence but also reinforces the importance of accountability.


The teenage years are often characterized by emotional upheaval, identity exploration, and an intense desire for independence. For caregivers of troubled teens, navigating this complex landscape can be particularly challenging. While many adolescents naturally seek to assert their individuality and autonomy, troubled teens may exhibit defiance and rebellion as they grapple with personal struggles. Striking a balance between setting essential boundaries and encouraging a sense of autonomy can seem like a daunting task, but it is crucial for fostering healthy development. This article will delve into effective strategies that promote autonomy while ensuring that teens feel secure and accountable.


## Understanding the Quest for Autonomy


Adolescence marks a transformative period when young individuals begin to forge their own identities. It is a time when they transition from the protective confines of childhood into the uncharted waters of adulthood. This burgeoning desire for independence lays the groundwork for vital self-discovery and personal growth. However, for troubled teens—who may face emotional, behavioral, or mental health challenges—this quest for autonomy can often manifest as resistance or opposition to parental authority. Recognizing the innate need for autonomy is pivotal in understanding and addressing the behaviors of these adolescents effectively.


## The Crucial Role of Boundaries


Establishing well-defined boundaries is a cornerstone of parenting that offers essential structure and stability in a teenager's life. Boundaries serve as guidelines that help teens discern acceptable behavior and understand the ramifications of their actions. However, imposing overly strict or inflexible rules can inadvertently lead to feelings of resentment and rebellion in teens. Therefore, it is essential to establish boundaries that not only promote safety but are also perceived as reasonable and adaptable.


### Key Principles for Effective Boundary Setting


1. **Collaborative Approach:** Invite your teen to participate actively in the boundary-setting process. Engage in open discussions where they can voice their thoughts, preferences, and concerns. By co-creating rules, you empower them and instill a sense of ownership over the agreed-upon guidelines, fostering an atmosphere of mutual respect.


2. **Be Clear and Specific:** Vague boundaries can lead to confusion and may result in misunderstandings or conflicts. It’s vital to articulate rules in a straightforward manner and ensure that your teen comprehends not only what is expected but also the rationale behind those expectations. For instance, rather than stating “be home by curfew,” specify “please arrive home by 10 PM to ensure you get enough rest for school the next day.”


3. **Utilize Natural Consequences:** Allowing teens to face the natural outcomes of their decisions can be an impactful teaching method. For example, if your child neglects their school assignments, let them experience the repercussions of a poor grade rather than intervening immediately. This approach not only reinforces responsibility but also encourages them to make more informed choices in the future.


4. **Flexibility and Adaptability:** As teenagers mature, their needs and capabilities change as well. Be open to revisiting and adjusting rules in response to their growth and improved behavior. Showing flexibility in boundaries conveys trust and acknowledges their increasing independence.


### Strategies for Promoting Independence


1. **Encourage Decision-Making:** Empower your teen to make choices within the framework of established boundaries. This can range from everyday decisions—such as selecting their outfit or choosing extracurricular activities—to more significant issues, like managing their academic workload. Providing them with opportunities to make age-appropriate decisions fosters critical thinking and confidence.


2. **Support Individual Goals and Interests:** Take an active interest in your teen’s passions and aspirations. Engage them in conversations about their ambitions, whether they pertain to academics, sports, or creative pursuits. Help them set attainable goals and celebrate their accomplishments, no matter how small. This positive reinforcement not only boosts their self-esteem but also reinforces their motivation to explore their interests independently.


3. **Create Safe Spaces for Expression:** Cultivate an environment where your teen feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. Actively listen to their concerns, and validate their feelings, making it clear that their opinions matter. This open dialogue encourages emotional expression and reinforces their belief in their autonomy.


4. **Teach Problem-Solving Skills:** Equip your teen with effective problem-solving abilities by guiding them through real-life scenarios. Discuss various situations they may encounter and brainstorm potential solutions together. This collaborative problem-solving process not only enhances their critical thinking skills but also prepares them to navigate challenges independently.


## Balancing Boundaries and Autonomy -- Achieving a harmonious balance between setting boundaries and promoting autonomy requires ongoing dialogue and patience. Here are some additional tips for maintaining this crucial balance:


- **Regular Check-Ins:** Establish routine discussions to assess your teen’s feelings about the boundaries in place. Use these moments to adjust expectations as necessary and reinforce your commitment to their well-being and growth.


- **Model Positive Behavior:** Serve as a role model by demonstrating healthy boundary-setting and responsible decision-making in your own life. Your behavior can serve as a powerful example of how to manage independence within defined limits.


- **Maintain Open Communication:** Encourage your teen to communicate openly about their feelings regarding the boundaries you set. Establishing this practice can help mitigate misunderstandings and foster a deeper sense of trust between you.


- **Seek Professional Guidance if Needed:** If you encounter persistent challenges, consider consulting a mental health professional specializing in adolescent behavior. They can provide tailored strategies and insights that benefit both you and your teen, enhancing your efforts to foster independence within a framework of appropriate boundaries.


The science of rebellion in adolescence is multifaceted and must be viewed through the lens of the developmental, psychological, and social factors at play. Recognizing that acts of defiance often serve as crucial milestones in an adolescent's journey toward maturity can empower parents, educators, and caregivers to respond with empathy and understanding. By fostering open lines of communication, encouraging autonomy, and nurturing a supportive environment, adults can help steer rebellious behavior toward growth and self-discovery. Understanding rebellion not only enlightens the experience of navigating adolescence but also enriches relationships, ultimately contributing to the emergence of resilient, independent young adults better equipped to face the world beyond their teenage years.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
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When to Consider Inpatient Treatment for Your Troubled Teenager

Raising a teenager can often feel like navigating a complex maze, especially when faced with behavioral and mental health challenges. For some adolescents, these struggles may reach a point where outpatient therapy is no longer sufficient to address their needs. It is at this crossroads that many parents contemplate the necessity of inpatient treatment. However, determining the appropriate moment for such a significant decision can be overwhelming. Below are key indicators and detailed considerations that can help guide your decision-making process.


### Key Indicators That Your Teen May Need Inpatient Treatment


1. **Severe Emotional Distress**: Pay close attention to whether your teenager exhibits persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, or anger that negatively impact their daily life. Signs may include prolonged periods of crying, irritability, loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, or an inability to concentrate. If your teen’s emotions seem overwhelming and unmanageable, it could signify that they need more intensive help.


2. **Risk of Self-Harm or Suicidal Thoughts**: If your teenager openly expresses thoughts of self-harm, suicidal ideation, or exhibits self-destructive behaviors, it is crucial to act immediately. Threats or gestures towards self-harm must be taken seriously, and a professional evaluation should be sought without delay. Inpatient treatment provides a safeguarded environment where your teen can receive round-the-clock care, immediate intervention, and crisis management tailored to their needs.


3. **Substance Abuse Issues**: If your teenager has begun using drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism, the consequences can be dire, affecting their mental and physical health. Indicators of substance abuse may include a decline in academic performance, changes in friend groups, secretive behavior, or the presence of unusual paraphernalia. Inpatient rehabilitation programs can provide a comprehensive approach to detoxification and recovery, alongside therapeutic support aimed at preventing relapse.


4. **Escalating Behavioral Problems**: Consider whether your teen has been displaying increasingly concerning behaviors, such as engaging in dangerous activities, becoming verbally or physically aggressive, or consistently arguing with family members. If these behaviors become unmanageable and threaten their safety or the safety of others, professional intervention is essential. Inpatient treatment can offer a structured environment where they can learn to manage their emotions and reactions effectively.


5. **Inability to Function in Daily Life**: Observe if your teenager is struggling to carry out essential daily tasks such as keeping up with schoolwork, maintaining friendships, completing household chores, or even practicing basic self-care. If their mental health has reached a point where they cannot engage with reality as they once did, inpatient care can provide a focused approach to help them regain stability and functionality.


### Benefits of Inpatient Treatment


- **Structured and Safe Environment**: Inpatient facilities provide a highly structured routine that can cultivate a sense of stability for teens who may be feeling chaotic or overwhelmed. With a set schedule for therapy sessions, meals, recreational activities, and downtime, adolescents can better adapt to the healing process.


- **Comprehensive, Multidisciplinary Care**: Inpatient programs typically offer an integrated approach, featuring a team of experts that includes therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, social workers, and educators. This collaborative environment ensures that each aspect of your child’s needs—emotional, mental, and educational—are addressed cohesively.


- **Focused Time for Recovery**: Being in an inpatient setting allows your teenager to focus intensely on their mental health without the distractions of daily life—like academic pressures, social expectations, and family stresses. This dedicated time can facilitate deeper therapeutic work and personal insights.


### Making the Decision


The decision to place your teenager in inpatient treatment requires careful consideration and often evokes feelings of uncertainty and fear. It is advisable to engage in discussions with mental health professionals who can evaluate your teen's unique situation and offer tailored recommendations. Open conversations with your child can also foster a sense of inclusion and understanding, helping them grasp the importance of the treatment while reassuring them of your support throughout the process.


### Conclusion


In conclusion, if your teenager is grappling with substantial emotional challenges, exhibiting self-harm tendencies, dealing with substance abuse, showing concerning behavioral shifts, or struggling to manage daily responsibilities, it may be time to explore inpatient treatment options. Each family’s circumstances are distinct, and prioritizing comprehensive professional advice is essential in making an informed choice for your child's well-being. By doing so, you can set your teenager on the path toward recovery, resilience, and a brighter future.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 
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How to Tell the Difference Between Normal Rebellion Versus a Psychological Problem

"My seventeen year old daughter is so very angry. She is involved with drugs and has gotten in some legal trouble as well. She is verbally abusive to me and to my husband who is her stepfather. The problem is that other times she is a joy to be around. She is funny, and very bright and creative. I wonder if she may have a psychological problem or may be an opposition defiant child. Not sure what to think right now."

How can a parent tell the difference between normal rebellion and the signal that an adolescent is troubled? Ask yourself these two questions:

1. Is this behavior change drastic for my adolescent? Normal rebellious behavior develops over time, beginning with an adolescent wanting to be with friends more and disagreeing with moms and dads more frequently. Problem rebellion is sudden and drastically out of character. For example, a normally rebellious "A" student may get a few "Bs" and cut a class or two, but if he suddenly starts failing or refuses to go to school, this can be a sign that your adolescent is experiencing an emotional crisis.

2. How frequent and intense is the rebellion? Normal rebellion is sporadic. There are moments of sweetness, calm and cooperation between outbursts. If on the other hand, rebellion is constant and intense, this can be a sign of underlying emotional problems.

Dealing with Normal Rebellion—

The main task of adolescents in our culture is to become psychologically emancipated from their moms and dads. The teenager must cast aside the dependent relationship of childhood. Before she can develop an adult relationship with her moms and dads, the adolescent must first distance herself from the way she related to them in the past. This process is characterized by a certain amount of intermittent normal rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and ambivalence. Emotions usually run high. Mood swings are common. Under the best of circumstances, this adolescent rebellion continues for approximately 2 years; not uncommonly it lasts for 4 to 6 years.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How do I deal with my teenager's rebellion?

The following guidelines may help you and your teenager through this difficult period:

1. Treat your teenager as an adult friend— By the time your youngster is 12 years old, start working on developing the kind of relationship you would like to have with your youngster when she is an adult. Treat your youngster the way you would like her to treat you when she is an adult. Your goal is mutual respect, support, and the ability to have fun together.

Strive for relaxed, casual conversations during bicycling, hiking, shopping, playing catch, driving, cooking, mealtime, working, and other times together. Use praise and trust to help build her self-esteem. Recognize and validate your youngster's feelings by listening sympathetically and making nonjudgmental comments. Remember that listening doesn't mean you have to solve your adolescent's problems. The friendship model is the best basis for family functioning.

2. Avoid criticism about "no-win" topics— Most negative parent-adolescent relationships develop because the moms and dads criticize their teenager too much. Much of the adolescent's objectionable behavior merely reflects conformity with the current tastes of her peer group. Peer-group immersion is one of the essential stages of adolescent development. Dressing, talking, and acting differently than adults helps your youngster feel independent from you. Try not to attack your teen's clothing, hairstyle, makeup, music, dance steps, friends, recreational interests, and room decorations, use of free time, use of money, speech, posture, religion, or philosophy.

This doesn't mean withholding your personal views about these subjects. But allowing your adolescent to rebel in these harmless areas often prevents testing in major areas, such as experimentation with drugs, truancy, or stealing. Intervene and try to make a change only if your teen's behavior is harmful, illegal, or infringes on your rights (see the sections on house rules). Another common error is to criticize your adolescent's mood or attitude. A negative or lazy attitude can only be changed through good example and praise. The more you dwell on nontraditional (even strange) behaviors, the longer they will last.

3. Let society's rules and consequences teach responsibility outside the home— Your teen must learn from trial and error. As she experiments, she will learn to take responsibility for her decisions and actions. Speak up only if the adolescent is going to do something dangerous or illegal. Otherwise, you must rely on the adolescent's own self-discipline, pressure from her peers to behave responsibly, and the lessons learned from the consequences of her actions. A school's requirement for punctual school attendance will influence when your adolescent goes to bed at night. School grades will hold your teen accountable for homework and other aspects of school performance. If your adolescent has bad work habits, she will lose her job.

If your teen makes a poor choice of friends, she may find her confidences broken or that she gets into trouble. If she doesn't practice hard for a sport, she will be pressured by the team and coach to do better. If she misspends her allowance or earnings, she will run out of money before the end of the month. If by chance your teen asks you for advice about these problem areas, try to describe the pros and cons in a brief, impartial way. Ask some questions to help her think about the main risks. Then conclude your remarks with a comment such as, "Do what you think is best." Teens need plenty of opportunity to learn from their own mistakes before they leave home and have to solve problems without an ever-present support system.

4. Clarify the house rules and consequences— You have the right and the responsibility to make rules regarding your house and other possessions. A teen's preferences can be tolerated within her own room, but they need not be imposed on the rest of the house. You can forbid loud music that interferes with other people's activities or incoming telephone calls after 10 p.m.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

While you should make your adolescent's friends feel welcome in your home, clarify the ground rules about parties or where snacks can be eaten. Your adolescent can be placed in charge of cleaning her room, washing his clothes, and ironing his clothes. You can insist upon clean clothes and enough showers to prevent or overcome body odor. You must decide whether you will loan her your car, bicycle, camera, radio, TV, clothes, and so forth. Reasonable consequences for breaking house rules include loss of telephone, TV, stereo, and car privileges. (Time-out is rarely useful in this age group, and physical punishment can escalate to a serious breakdown in your relationship.)

If your teen breaks something, she should repair it or pay for its repair or replacement. If she makes a mess, she should clean it up. If your adolescent is doing poorly in school, you can restrict TV time. You can also put a limit on telephone privileges and weeknights out. If your adolescent stays out too late or doesn't call you when she's delayed, you can ground her for a day or a weekend. In general, grounding for more than a few days is looked upon as unfair and is hard to enforce.

5. Use family conferences for negotiating house rules— Some families find it helpful to have a brief meeting after dinner once a week. At this time your teen can ask for changes in the house rules or bring up family issues that are causing problems. You can also bring up issues (such as your adolescent's demand to drive her to too many places and your need for her help in arranging carpools). The family unit often functions better if the decision-making is democratic. The objective of negotiation should be that both parties win. The atmosphere can be one of: "Nobody is at fault, but we have a problem. How can we solve it?"

6. Give space to a teen who is in a bad mood— Generally when your teen is in a bad mood, she won't want to talk about it with you. If teens want to discuss a problem with anybody, it is usually with a close friend. In general, it is advisable at such times to give your adolescent lots of space and privacy. This is a poor time to talk to your teen about anything, pleasant or otherwise.

7. Use "I" messages for rudeness— Some talking back is normal. We want our teens to express their anger through talking and to challenge our opinions in a logical way. We need to listen. Expect your teen to present her case passionately, even unreasonably. Let the small stuff go — it's only words. But don't accept disrespectful remarks such as calling you a "jerk." Unlike a negative attitude, these mean remarks should not be ignored. You can respond with a comment like, "It really hurts me when you put me down or don't answer my question."

Make your statement without anger if possible. If your adolescent continues to make angry, unpleasant remarks, leave the room. Don't get into a shouting match with your teen because this is not a type of behavior that is acceptable in outside relationships. What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the right to disagree and even to express anger, but that screaming and rude conversation are not allowed in your house. You can prevent some rude behavior by being a role model of politeness, constructive disagreement, and the willingness to apologize.

When should you seek outside assistance?

Get help if:
  • you feel your teen's rebellion is excessive
  • you find yourself escalating the criticism and punishment
  • you have other questions or concerns
  • you think your teen is depressed, suicidal, drinking or using drugs, or going to run away
  • your family life is seriously disrupted by your teen
  • your relationship with your teen does not improve within 3 months after you begin using these approaches
  • your teen has no close friends
  • your teen is skipping school frequently
  • your teen is taking undue risks (for example, reckless driving)
  • your teen's outbursts of temper are destructive or violent
  • your teen's school performance is declining markedly


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Should You File Criminal Charges Against Your Own Teenager?!

Hi, I am just getting started with your program. Thanks for all the work you have put into it. I plan to put my work into it!

Five days ago I found several receipts where my 17 yo daughter (will be 18 in 3 mos.) has used my debit card to take money from our bank account. I also found a check where she forged my husband’s name. She admitted to it. We told her we were either going to send her away to get help for this and all the other problems she is involved in OR that we were going to file charges against her.

She emailed us after the confrontation (where we both remained poker faced). She begged not to be sent away, acknowledged that she needed to changed, and took verbal responsibility for her actions and apologized for blaming us for her behavior. Yeah, very heartwarming, but as you say, and as I already know: THEY LIE.

Now my husband has changed his mind and does not want to follow thru with filing charges. He does not want to get involved in the "system". My heart does not want to put her thru the ordeal of filing charges etc., but my intellect says she must face the consequences and that it is better to face them now as a juvenile rather than LATER as an adult.

SO.......is getting involved with the "system" the best consequence or should we do a 3 day grounding and have her work at home to pay us back for the money she spent (~$100)....or both?......or something else? (By the way....last night she took my husband’s cell phone---she currently has no cell phone privileges---and she ran up 50 text messages...and of course WE pay for that service so that is AGAIN what I consider stealing)

Thanks you in advance for your advice and direction. ~ S.

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Hi S.,

Unfortunately, deciding to not file charges is just another form of over-indulgence. You want to set up a system where you model for your child how the “real world” operates -- and in the “real world,” when you steal and get caught – there are legal ramifications (in this case, it would be a felony if she were an adult).

I would follow through and file charges. Short-term mild pain now will be much better than long-term major pain later. If she were truly sorry, she wouldn’t have taken your husband’s cell phone after getting busted the first time.

I'm sure she's sorry, though (sorry she got caught).


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
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"I am at wits end about my teenage daughter..."

Dear Mr. Hutten: I am at wits end about my teenage daughter. I just recently found a notebook that her and her girlfriend have been passing back and forth. She wrote to her girlfriend that a boy she likes asked her for a blowjob do you think he is using me. She is only 12 yrs old she will be 13 in May. I have talked to her continuously regarding that oral sex is sex and all the STD's she could possibly get from this behavior. She said she didn't do anything swears up and down she didn't but the rumor spread around school and also came back to me. Please help me on how to deal with this problem. I can't sleep at night thinking she could possibly do something like this. All the conversations I have had with her thinking I could prevent that she would not get involved with this behavior hasn't worked. I can't trust her anymore. I don't let her run the streets like other children do, I just can't believe this is happening, I am so afraid of what the future is going to bring. Please help me to handle this problem correctly. I appreciate anything you could do for me. Thank You, D.

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Hi D.,

The topic of sexuality and adolescents often makes mothers and adolescents uncomfortable. It can be difficult for some mothers to even broach the subject of sexuality, and even more difficult should the parent suspect their child is sexually promiscuous. Few mothers want to confront the issues of sexual promiscuity or inappropriate sexual behavior in their children, yet avoiding such behavioral problems can be as risky as the behaviors themselves. Not only does sexual promiscuity cause serious health risks to your child, it can damage self-esteem and the emotional health of a developing adolescent.

Adolescents often partake in risk-taking behaviors. This seems to be a common theme among adolescents, but it can become a serious issue in troubled adolescents. Sex may become an outlet for a struggling teen's frustrations, much in the same way drugs and alcohol serve as an outlet. In this way, sex becomes a drug, a way to escape feelings and emotional confusion. However, as with any drug, there is a backlash. Any teenager who is acting out sexually will begin to feel a diminished sense of value and self-esteem.

In some cases, sex can be used as a weapon or defense. An adolescent might see promiscuous sex as a way of showing mothers that he or she is "free," an adult, someone who can "do whatever" they want to do. Allowing a young person to continue to see sex in such an emotional immature and self-destructive manner can lead to long-term problems with intimate relationships, as well as the child's physical health.

Mothers can best help their teens from becoming sexually active by maintaining a warm and loving relationship with their children – and letting teens know that they are expected to abstain from sex until marriage.

Mothers who are involved in their children's lives, and who confidently transmit their religious and moral values to their children, have the greatest success in preventing risky and immoral behavior. For this reason, it is more important for adolescents to see real-life examples of people who understand and deal responsibly with their sexual natures.

Morals are not abstractions. Morals have to do with real-life commitments to people and things that have value. Mothers and other influential adults (at school, at church, and in the community) need to show adolescents the difference between devotion and infatuation and help them make the distinction in their own hearts.


The sexualization of girls and mental health problems—

In response to reports by journalists, child advocacy organizations, parents, and psychologists, the American Psychological Association (APA) created a Task Force to consider these issues. The Task Force Report concluded that the sexualization of girls is a broad and increasing problem and is harmful to girls' self-image and healthy development. Sexualization is defined as occurring when a person's value comes only from her/his sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics, and when a person is sexually objectified, e.g., made into a thing for another's sexual use. The report states that examples of sexualization are found in all forms of media, and as 'new media' have been created and access to media has become omnipresent, examples have increased.

The APA Task Force Report states that sexualization has negative effects in a variety of domains:
  • Cognitive and emotional health: Sexualization and objectification undermine a person's confidence in and comfort with her own body, leading to emotional and self-image problems, such as shame and anxiety.
  • Mental and physical health: Research links sexualization with three of the most common mental health problems diagnosed in girls and women—eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression or depressed mood.
  • Sexual development: Research suggests that the sexualization of girls has negative consequences on girls' ability to develop a healthy sexual self-image.

How can parents help their daughters develop healthy self-esteem?

Although the media, peers, and pop culture influence children, parents still hold more sway than they think when it comes to having an impact on a daughter's developing self-esteem. Here's how parents can help:

1. Monitor your own comments about yourself and your daughter.

2. Get dads involved. Girls with active, hardworking dads attend college more often and are more ambitious, more successful in school, more likely to attain careers of their own, less dependent, more self protective, and less likely to date an abusive man.

3. Watch your own stereotypes; let daughters help fix the kitchen sink and let sons help make dinner.

4. Encourage your daughter to speak her mind.

5. Let girls fail - which requires letting them try. Helping them all the time or protecting them, especially if done by dad, can translate into a girl feeling incapable or incompetent.

6. Don't limit girls' choices, let them try math, buy them a chemistry kit. Interest, not just expertise, should be motivation enough.

7. Get girls involved with sports/physical activity, it can reduce their risk of chronic diseases. Female athletes do better academically and have lower school drop-out rates than non-athletes. Regular physical activity can enhance girls' mental health, reduce symptoms of stress and depression, make them feel strong and competent.

8. Watch television, movies, and other media with your daughters and sons. Discuss how images of girls are portrayed.

9. Counteract advertisers who take advantage of the typical anxieties and self-doubts of pre-teen and teenage girls by making them feel they need their product to feel "cool." To sensitize them to this trend and to highlight the effect that ads can have on people, discuss the following questions (adapted from the Media Awareness Network) with children:
  • Do you ever feel bad about yourself for not owning something?
  • Have you ever felt that people might like you more if you owned a certain item?
  • Has an ad make you feel that you would like yourself more, or that others would like you more if you owned the product the ad is selling?
  • Do you worry about your looks? Have you ever felt that people would like you more if your face, body, skin or hair looked different?
  • Has an ad ever made you feel that you would like yourself more, or others would like you more, if you changed your appearance with the product the ad was selling?

It is within the family that a girl first develops a sense of who she is and who she wants to become. Parents armed with knowledge can create a psychological climate that will enable each girl to achieve her full potential. Parents can help their daughters avoid developing, or overcome, negative feelings about themselves and grow into strong, self-confident women.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 
By

You Are Not Your Teenager's "Buddy"

Mark …I have a simple question: I try to be my daughter’s friend, because her father is not involved at all in her life. Is this good or bad? Signed, Single Mom
_________________

I regularly see a lot of evidence that today’s teens are trying to act older while today’s parents are trying to act younger. So you've got kids trying to be adults, and adults trying to be kids. It makes for a weird dynamic – and confuses the teenager as to who's the role model.

In those cases where the parent is a ‘buddy,’ the parent-child relationship tends to be a love-hate relationship.

I understand that the family unit itself has changed (e.g., more single parents, gay parents, parents who are dating, etc.). And I also know it’s hard for the single parent to be both a “friend” and a “disciplinarian.” But you have to pick one or the other – and your pick should be the one who employs “tough love.”

“Tough love” has 2 components though: (1) the tough part and (2) the nurturing part. It’s very possible to provide a steady diet of ‘tough’ and still have plenty of moments for ‘love’ (i.e., moments where you and your teenager are emotionally close, united and bonded).

In any event, you are not a buddy! She has other buddies, but she has only one parent – you. If she really needs an “adult” buddy, hook her up with an aunt, a Big Sister (from Big Brothers/Big Sisters Org.), or one of your trusted female adult friends.



 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Brother and Sister Hate One Another: Parenting Tips for Sibling Rivalry

Question:

“I have a 14 year our daughter who is a basket of nerves. My son and she HATE each other. He knows exactly how to push her buttons and she gets so upset she usually just explodes in anger followed by tears. When she is upset there is no reasoning with her until she calms down. I can almost see the ‘excitement’ in my son’s eyes when he makes her cry. She is so vulnerable right now. He knows she is very aware of her figure and looks, so he is constantly calling her fat (although she is not fat at all). She then comes back at him with retard and why don’t we ‘send him away’. I fear what this is doing to her self-esteem and emotional needs.”

Answer:

Fighting among siblings is really a problem now with the kids being off school for this extended period of time due to the coronavirus issue. Moms of adolescents may be troubled by the amount of fighting, both verbal and physical, that is going on. This is a common problem in homes with teens, and one many moms find particularly difficult and upsetting. One mother said, "They are constantly bickering and yelling. There's no peace in the house anymore. They won't listen to me, and nothing I do seems to have any effect on them. Why do they hate each other so?"

If parents experience these kinds of problems and concerns, it may help if they try to gain a better understanding of sibling battles and then develop a plan for dealing with them in their home. In this society, people have the expectation that they will love and get along well with everyone in their family. They always expect to feel positive toward their parents, brothers, sisters, spouses and children. Most people, however, have at least some times when they don't feel very loving toward each other.

Relationships within a family are close, both emotionally and physically, and very intense. When the television show parents have been looking forward to is being drowned out by the cheerleading practice in the basement, or when the turkey leg they were saving for a snack is missing from the refrigerator, or when their spouse is gleefully telling a crowd of friends how they dented the car fender, they are not likely to feel loving. Because they are so close, family members have a greater power than anyone else to make other members feel angry, sad, confused -- and loving. This is just as true for kids and teens as it is for grown-ups.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Most siblings have probably been good friends - and good enemies - as they have grown. Having a sibling provides an opportunity to learn to get along with others. Especially when siblings are younger, they may fight bitterly, but they will probably be playing together again an hour later. For example, a youngster will say something hateful to a sibling, knowing full well they will still be siblings and friends when the fight is over. If the same thing was said to a playmate outside the family, that playmate might take his or her marbles and go home for good. Thus, kids learn from relationships with siblings just how certain words or actions will affect another person without the fear of losing the person's friendship.

Siblings fight for a number of reasons:
  • They fight because they are growing up in a competitive society that teaches them that to win is to be better: "I saw it first." "I beat you to the water."
  • They fight because they are jealous: "He got a new bike. I didn't. They must love him more than they love me." 
  • They fight because they want a parent's attention, and the parent has only so much time, attention and patience to give. 
  • They fight over ordinary teasing, which is a way of testing the effects of behavior and words on another person: "He called me a _____" … "But she called me a _____ first."

Kids need not weeks or months, but years to learn some of the socially approved ways to behave in relationships. Lessons about jealousy, competition, sharing and kindness are difficult to learn, and, indeed, some grown-ups still haven't learned them. Teens fight for the same reasons younger kids fight. But teens are bigger, louder and better equipped physically and intellectually to hurt - and be hurt - by words and actions.

From a mother's point of view, they "ought" to be old enough to stop that kind of behavior. What moms may forget is that teens are under pressure from many different directions. Physical and emotional changes - and changes in thinking - cause pressures, as do changing relationships with parents and peers. 

Adolescents may be concerned about real or imagined problems. They feel pressure about the future as adults and about learning to be an adult. In many ways, adolescents are in greater need than ever for parental love, attention and concern, and for a belief that they are as good as their siblings. A teenager may not recognize these needs, or may be too embarrassed to express them verbally, so fighting with siblings as a way to get parental attention may actually increase in adolescence. In truth, siblings don't really hate each other, at least not all the time. As kids mature and learn to control their energies and anxieties, chances are they will be good friends.

Moms and dads can recognize the reasons for the fighting and make up their minds that they will not tolerate it. It's not easy to stick to that resolution! However, many parents have found that sticking to that resolution is the most important factor in bringing peace to their home. Parents should tell their teens that while it's normal to have disagreements, the constant fighting upsets them and they value peace at home. They can say they will no longer be the judge and jury over the siblings' disputes, and they will not stand for it! Then, they must stand by the resolution.

One mom reported that every time a fight started, she would say to her teens, "You're fighting. I'm leaving." And then she would go out to work in the yard or take a drive or run an errand -- but she simply walked away from the fighting. Another mom used a similar tactic. When the fighting began, she said, "Call me when it's over." Then she went to her bedroom, slamming the door to emphasize her point. Another parent made his teenagers leave the house when they began fighting.

In each of these cases, the parents demonstrated that fighting would not get their attention and they would not get involved in the fight. Other parents have had success in imposing penalties for fighting (e.g., fines deducted from allowances, a certain amount of grounding for each fighter, etc.). These parents are showing their teenagers the cost of fighting is higher than the reward. Whatever tactic moms and dads use, if they are consistent and stick to their guns, they will almost certainly be successful in reducing the amount of fighting between their kids.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Living with fighting siblings is not pleasant. If parents can remain calm in the face of battling adolescents, if they can retain their sense of humor, and if they put up a determined and united front, they will find the war in their living room will end before long.

As a parent, do you:
  • Avoid initiating competition among your kids?
  • Make sure older kids are not usually forced to give in to younger ones because "he's little" or "she doesn't know better?" 
  • Believe there can be something good in sibling fighting? 
  • Make sure your teens realize they are each unique and have a special set of strengths? 
  • Praise your teenagers for being who they are, not just for what they can do? 
  • Realize teens and younger kids need to be given the right to decide not to share at least some of the time? 
  • Recognize that each youngster is different? 
  • Set aside some time to be alone with each youngster? 
  • Talk to your teens about their fighting?

Here’s some more tips:
  1. Be available to listen patiently to the problem and control your emotions. Typically, parents have more insight into solving a problem, so give your child positive suggestions she can use to work the problem out with her sibling.
  2. Don't intervene, but do give some guidance.
  3. Don't take sides -- remain neutral.
  4. Encourage adolescents to work out issues constructively.
  5. Do not allow aggressive behavior (e.g., hitting, pushing, etc.).
  6. Express to each of your kids that you care for each of them as individuals and love them unconditionally.
  7. Give them the opportunity to work out their problems on their own.
  8. Help enforce the rules by outlining consequences when rules are broken. 
  9. Help them recognize each other's individuality. 
  10. Insist that they try to cooperate first. 
  11. Overcome your own competitive nature. 
  12. Share an interest in their activities. 
  13. Spend time with them individually. 
  14. Teach your kids good communication techniques, problem solving skills, and the importance of compromise.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
By

Parenting Strategies: Behavioral Change for Defiant Troubled Teens and Preteens

  
From the office of Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support, LLC
Author of My Out-of-Control Teen

The problem is that most parents of strong-willed, out of control teenagers have tried very hard to regain control -- but with little or no success.  And it seems the harder the parent tries, the more the teenager "acts-out."

I often hear the following statement from parents: "I've tried everything with this child -- and nothing works!"  But when they attend my parent-program, they soon discover they have not tried everything, rather they have tried some things. 

Now there is an online version of the parent-program for working parents who are struggling with their out-of-control teenagers, and you will experience the same success as those who attend the program in person. 

You will learn cut-to-the-chase parenting strategies that work immediately rather than months or years down the road.  And I guarantee your success or you get your money back -- and you can keep the package I am about to offer you.  This is how confident I am that the online version of the parent-program is going to work for you. 






One of many testimonials: 

“Hi mark. I want to thank you so much for putting out the 4 week parenting course. I have completed it and it has literally changed my life. Honestly it worked instantly. I have a foster child who would yell, scream, abuse. Intimidate, swear, punch holes in walls etc if asked to get off the Xbox or to do a job. Yes he has so much trauma and I think is on the spectrum but I kept thinking I don’t think his outbursts are because of this. The bottom line is I was over indulging him. Now he knows nothing is for free and if he wants anything he has to do jobs. I take all technology at the end of each day and if he wants it back the next day he has to do the jobs on the list. I’ve only taken his phone twice for 24 hours since starting the course. That was all it took. Honestly mark, he yelled at me when I told him nothing is for free, not even a donut at the shop. I kept calm and said I’m not arguing. He now can’t drag me into arguments as I keep repeating ‘I’m not arguing’. I could go on and on how he’s changed. It’s only been 3 weeks but no massive melt downs or holes punched in walls. THANK YOUUUUUUUUU”   


The online version is called Online Parent Support (OPS). OPS includes My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook.  In this book, I share over 150 proven techniques to use with your strong-willed, out-of-control teenager.  If parents don’t have these techniques, all they are left with are conventional parenting techniques.  And as they may have discovered, conventional techniques don't work with unconventional teenagers. 

 => Does your child often:
  • lose his temper
  • argue with adults
  • refuse to comply with rules and requests
  • deliberately annoy people
  • blame others for his mistakes and misbehavior

 => Is your child often:
  • touchy and easily annoyed by others
  • angry and resentful
  • spiteful and vindictive

Believe it or not, your child doesn't need counseling.  You don’t need parenting classes.  You don’t need -- nor would you want -- a 250-page manual on how to be a better parent.  Who has time for that?  And you don’t need to go through another year of pain and misery with rebellious, foul-mouthed teenagers with an "attitude."

However, what you may need is someone who has worked with troubled teens and frustrated parents for over 25 years -- and does so for a living -- to show you a set of very effective parenting techniques that are guaranteed to work. That would be me, Mark Hutten, M.A.

OPS includes:
  • Live Audio Recordings of the entire parent-program I conducted at Madison County Youth Center
  • Power Point Presentations and 25 Videos shown during the program 
  • Access to me via email -- always feel free to contact me as often as needed while you begin to implement your new parenting strategies
  • 100% Money Back Guarantee

Whether you have big problems or small problems, teens or preteens, whether you are a single parent, divorced or separated parent, adoptive parent, foster parent, step parent, a traditional two-parent family, or a grandparent raising a grandchild -- this material is guaranteed to work for you.

Initially, the parents who attend my parent-program (the same program you’ll get with Online Parent Support) are at their "wit's end" and describe home-life as “hell's kitchen.” 

A few short weeks after they complete the program (which is divided into 4 sessions, 90 minutes each session), the majority of parents report that problems in their homes have reduced in frequency and severity and are finally manageable.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how simple it is to get started with these non-traditional parenting strategies.  Whenever you have a couple spare moments sitting at your computer, you can see how to bring about positive change in your household …change that will reduce parent-child conflict …change that will reduce your stress-level significantly …and change that will increase the likelihood that your child will be a success both at school and in life.


                 *** Purchase This Parenting Program Using PayPal *** 
 

=> Is your child in charge (the tail is wagging the dog)?

=> Does she/he have an "attitude" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

=> Is she/he resentful about something that happened in the past and just can’t seem to get over it?

=> Are you concerned that your child is:
  • Having unprotected sex?
  • Hanging with the wrong crowd?
  • Experimenting with drugs or alcohol?

=> Has your child:
  • Lied to you?
  • Stolen from you?
  • Skipped school?
  • Destroyed property?
  • Ran away from home?
  • Had a brush with the law?
  • Refused to follow any rules?


You Can't Lose With My 100%, Ironclad,
"Better-Than-Risk-Free" Money Back Guarantee

I say "better-than-risk-free" because this whole package is yours
to keep even in the unlikely event you decide to ask for a refund.

If for any reason you aren't thrilled and satisfied
with your purchase, just contact me and I'll give you a 100%
prompt and courteous refund ... no questions asked!


Feel free to contact me.  You'll get no "sales pitch" -- just answers to any questions you may have. My email: mbhutten@gmail.com  (I will respond within 24 hours!)

A few emails from parents:

"I just have to let you know that I just started reading your book...I am in tears as I am reading. It is like you have been hanging out in our home, watching us. We are on our 4th therapist in a 3 year period and not one of them have seemed to have a grasp on what we are dealing with, but your first few chapters have summed us up almost immediately. I had to stop and say thank you." -- M.J.

"I had problems with my 15-year-old daughter last year and found your online course. I can’t even begin to tell you how helpful it was in turning my daughter around.  I followed it up with a trip to Uganda – just the 2 of us – for 15 days last summer, which forced us to bond. It’s been a great year this year and I want to thank you for your huge part in that. No more sleepless nights.  Your website gets lots of referrals from me! I think your method utilizing online courses and support groups is brilliant. Warm regards." -- M.H.

"Thank you for your concern for others. My husband and I were at the end of our ropes. I prayed for wisdom and God certainly answered my prayer.  I have already tried some things on the first week actually the day I ordered this and to my amazement - they worked!!  I had already been thinking the turmoil was like a drug for my daughter and I was right.  Thank you so much and God Bless you!" – E.H.

"Tara and I joined your website for our 16 year old quite a few months back. Let me say this after having gone through many different programs for difficult teenagers, your program is very solid. We have told our current counselors and connections about it so that other parents may use your very good resources, too. Our son is to the point now where he no longer argues." – T.M.



                 *** Purchase This Parenting Program Using PayPal ***


Dear Discouraged/Frustrated Parents,

I know I’ve made some pretty strong claims above. And you might be thinking, "This guy is full of it …he must think he can work miracles.”

No, I’m not a miracle worker. But you don’t need a miracle! All you need is this simple set of proven parenting techniques to use with your oppositional, defiant child.

I'm not offering a complete cure for ALL behavior problems, and I'm not trying to claim that every single thing that you'll ever need to help your child is in my eBook. But if you are looking for rock solid and proven solutions to a whole bunch of parenting-predicaments that you have with your out-of-control child, then I'm confident that you can benefit from my help.

For many years, I ran a very successful parent program, but I wanted to take it a step further.  I wanted to reach out to parents worldwide and help them discover that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. That’s when I came up with Online Parent Support (OPS).  Since its launch in 2004, OPS has overwhelmed users and success rates have been phenomenal.

If you're one of those parents who has paid a fortune on must-have parenting eBooks only to find they were full of useless information you could have gotten anywhere, then don’t make the mistake of clicking off this site before you at least call or email me with some specific questions about My Out-of-Control Teen eBook. I guarantee you won't find this information anywhere else.

You could (and may) spend the rest of the afternoon surfing and "researching" only to find that you've gained a wonderful knowledge of what the problem is without any knowledge of what to do about it.

Let’s face it: You have been force-fed garbage and misinformation that will never put your teen back on the right track.  All you have really been doing is building-up even more barriers and creating more stress – for you and your family.

I'm tired of reading all the bad advice out there …I’m tired of seeing teenagers' lives ruined because they just can’t be controlled …and I’m tired of seeing parents chase their tails in a hopeless cycle of frustration, drama and chaos.

I’m giving you the chance to break the cycle of abuse and mistrust …to bring harmony back into your life …and to keep your child from self-destruction. 

Parenting strong-willed, out-of-control children is tough! If you don't know how, that is...

Here’s a recent email from a new member of Online Parent Support. She and her husband sent this email to their son’s Counselor:

“…coming up with a proper diagnosis and treatment has taken us down many roads, all leading to different therapies, parent-education classes, including Jayne Major's course Breakthrough Parenting Services as well as James Lehman's Total Transformation Program. Through countless hours of research and phone calls, we have discovered the different levels of support are dependent on insurance, out of pocket expenses, including potentially selling our home and putting him in a residential treatment center with no guarantees of a positive outcome. Needless to say, quality intervention has been hard to find. Recently we found an on-line course by Mark Hutten called My Out Of Control Teen. It seems the most helpful and pragmatic approach so far. We wanted to share with you where we are in the course so we are all on the same page in helping our son and family through this crisis.”

$29 is really a painless drop in the bucket compared to the money you could lose over time with counseling, parent-education classes, psychiatric evaluations, treatment, etc.

Yes, for the price of dinner at a local restaurant, you will have all the information you need to jump full force into getting peace and respect back in your house again. If you need to justify the expense, skip taking the kids to McDonald's for dinner once this week - and it's paid for.

If you’re going through the same parent-child conflict that most of the other parents who land on this site are going through, then the problems at home and school are not getting better -- they’re steadily getting worse. How much longer are you willing to wait?  I'm guessing that you have already wasted too much time and energy trying to get some real solutions.

I trust that you’ll take a step of faith here and get started with this online program immediately.

~ Mark Hutten, M.A.


                 *** Purchase This Parenting Program Using PayPal ***



==> Frequently asked questions...

==> Emails from a few of the parents who have joined Online Parent Support...

==> A brief biography can be viewed here...


 

_______________________________________

About the author: Mark Hutten, M.A. is the founder of Online Parent Support and a parent coach. He has worked with hundreds of children and teens with behavioral problems over the years. He presents workshops and runs training courses for parents and professionals who deal with troubled children and teens, and is a prolific author of articles and ebooks on the subject.

About Online Parent Support: Online Parent Support was one of the first “online program” for parents with defiant children and teens, and has been helping parents like you since 2003. Dozens of parents join Online Parent Support every day. YOU can be next! You can start your program in 15 min. from now, and you WILL see positive changes in your child’s behavior within the first week -- or your money back! Has your son or daughter been "out-of-control" for several months - if not years? If so, then alarm bells should be going off. You know changes need to happen!

By

Defiant Behavior versus Normal Teenage Rebellion

Many families of defiant teens live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur because teens are naturally rebellious, to a degree. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. 
 
We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our teenager. But what does it cost us?

There is a significant difference between normal teenage rebellion versus defiance:
  • Defiant teens are destructive and disagreeable by nature
  • They like to push their parents' anger-buttons
  • Every request results in a power struggle
  • Lying is a daily habit, and stealing is a favorite hobby
  • Getting others to react strongly pleases and amuses them
  • They blame others for their mistakes and misbehavior
  • And they have no remorse for the hurtful things they say and do

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a defiant child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent -- are the one with the problem. Parents of defiant teens are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive. Where does that leave a parent?

Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of her/his teenager.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of the defiant teen -- he/she sees YOU, the parent, as the enemy. Small expectations on the parent's part can set the defiant teen off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.

Your home becomes a war-zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities -- and your own sanity. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your troubled teen. You want him/her to have a fulfilling life and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous effects on our well-being, literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

In parenting a defiant teenager, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope.

The strains a defiant teen puts on your family can be enormous.

Effects on the family:
  • A defiant teen will play one parent off the other, which could result in  a rift between parents.
  • Dreams of the perfect, loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a family with a defiant child can become quite dysfunctional.
  • Due to the child’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
  • Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration.
  • Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with defiant children.
  • Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened.
  • Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the defiant child takes up so much of the parent’s time.

Defiant teens are not bad -- but they are very intense.  And they seek intensity from others as well -- especially their parents!

Unfortunately, they have discovered that their parents are the most intense and exciting when things are going wrong.  What parents may have viewed as punishment for their defiant child was actually a reward (i.e., he/she received a bigger payoff for misbehavior).

By
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