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Question: I have a 14 year old son, and we always seem to be angry with each other. I try to be patient, but whatever I do seems to annoy him and vice versa. My husband takes a different approach than me, and this also causes conflict between us as he lets our son get away with bad behaviour by ignoring it. If our son is rude to me, he doesn't say anything, he just says that I should deal with it. What can I do? Answer: I believe you have mentioned 3 issues here: 1. anger control problems (between parent and child & between wife and husband) 2. father uses an indulgent parenting style 3. husband and wife are not united and bonded on some issues Let’s look at each one in turn... Re: anger control – Power struggles can create frustration, anger and resentment on the part of the parent and the out-of-control kid. Resentment can cause a further breakdown of communication until it seems as if all you do is argue with your out-of-control kid. ...

“Mark, I have a problem with my 15-year-old son -- he's lazy! He comes home from school, flops out in the easy chair, eats a bunch of junk, and watches TV or plays his video games for pretty much the rest of the evening. My concern is that he has no social life really -- plus he is now grossly over-weight. Any suggestions? Thanks.” Approximately 30% of children ages 6 to 11 are overweight and 15% are obese. For adolescents ages 12 to 19, 30% are overweight and 15% are obese. Excess weight in childhood and adolescence has been found to predict overweight in adults. Overweight children with at least one overweight or obese parent were reported to have a 79% likelihood of overweight persisting into adulthood. In addition to genetics, other factors contributing to obesity are: Lack of regular exercise Sedentary behavior (e.g., watching TV, sitting at the computer, playing video games) Low family incomes and non-working parents Consuming high-calorie foods Eating whe...

“Our son ran after having a fight with his father ‘cause he doesn’t want rules, no curfews'. He'll be 18 in July. All he keeps saying is, 'I will NOT come home unless you agree that I will NOT be punished, and I WILL get my car back, period'. This has been going on for 3 weeks. We can't give in, but are having a hard time with the tough love. We paid for the car, insurance, and have his cell on suspension, but he thinks it's canceled. Any advice?” I would simply say to him something like this: “Son …we can’t control you. If you really want to run away from home, we can’t stop you. We can’t watch you 24 hours a day – and we can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way we do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because we love you, we can’t stand by and watch you do whatever you want – whenever you want – without any house rules. Running away from home will not make us change our minds about providing supervisi...

Dear Mr. Hutton, Well I finally took the plunge and started your program! I am now working my homework for week one. My humble statement was more difficult to deliver than I thought, but I somehow managed to get through it- Family dinner night for week one was minus M___, but I am hopeful he will eventually show as you say. My questions to you are: I have two teenagers- M___ 17 and M_____ 16. I actually delivered the mission statement to both even though M___ 17 is the one with all of the symptoms of overindulged child. Should I keep rules / expectations the same for both? Regards, M.K. ````````````````````` ==> Join Online Parent Support   Hi M., Re: Should I keep rules / expectations the same for both? Great question. Answer: No. Why? Because each child is unique and has a different set of needs. Your mantra should be: "I love my children equally, but parent them differently." ```````````````````````````````` Th...

Hi Mark, I was wanting to ask you how we best handle A___'s outbursts of rage and verbal abuse when she is frustrated. She asks for help with a problem (i.e., wrapping a parcel to set up a shop for a game this morning, then refuses to listen to the help to get the parcel wrapped, then starts to scream and abuse us for offering "stupid" help then rips up the paper, throws the sticky tape on the floor and storms off screaming and slamming the doors as she goes). She is then not able to calm herself down for ages and sulks like a 2 year old and this scenario goes on almost every time she can't do something and asks for help. We encourage her and try to get her to do it herself and praise her (on the extremely rare occasion she listens and succeeds) but this just goes on and on and can ruin a whole weekend as it has done yesterday and today. Thanks Mark, L. ``````````````` Hi L., What you’re dealing with here is “low-frustration tolerance” (a cl...

I have been listening and reading through your material and, so far, I am impressed. With a degree in special education, I have taken several behavioral management courses over the years and I have read several books. This material seems to be written specifically for my family! My son is 13 and the oldest of 5. I definitely notice a difference in my son's behavior when we focus more on the positive and state expectations clearly and specifically. My husband and I struggle with the ability to remain calm when the actions of my son affect our other 4 children. I try not to blame or accuse because that just leads to an argument and denial. I have tried pointing out to my son that he is tired and perhaps should stay away from his siblings who are "annoying" him until he is not so irritable. However, my son continues to aggravate and instigate which most of the time leads to someone getting hurt physically and/or emotionally. My question is: How do I keep a poker face...

Hello,  Last week I signed up to get your ebook and instructional videos. I have a question. My out of control teen has a set of grandparents and a family that she has convinced I am completely abusive to her. I have been turned into the authorities four times now from false allegations and have a meeting for a 'home visit' tomorrow with the latest investigation case worker. My daughter wants to go live with the grandparents and will do whatever it takes to get removed from my care. My concern is a co-worker I know has a similar situation. Her son turned his mom in making abuse allegations. They didn't 'stick' so the second time he turned her in for alleged abuse he made marks on his body and called saying his mom was abusing him. It stuck that time and his mom, who wouldn't hurt a flea, is now on probation for 17 months for the abuse allegations. When do I throw in the towel? I am very worried this is going to go the same way for me...

Mark, We are doing the consequence thing (for car use, computer, phone, being able to go out etc.) and he has not had to be grounded from everything in quite a while. What I would like are some suggestions for when he gets mad (while not on any consequence), and does not like the direction of the conversation/limits he has to adhere to and starts to drop the "f" bomb either in conversation or directed at me. ====> The house rule should be "no using the f___ word." Then if he uses the f___ word at any time, just treat it like you would any other rule violation. See "When You Want Something From Your Kid" {Anger Management Chapter - Online Version of the eBook}. This behaviour is not related to his lap top but I have started to confiscate it for 24hrs at a time. If he can go without cursing for 24hrs he has earned it back, if not the 24hrs starts over. ===> Good. This is mostly on track. It has gotten to the point where we need to...

Hi Mark, I am writing today because we seem to be going backwards and not forwards with the grounding effectiveness. Since the beginning of April we have been implementing groundings and I would have thought by now that they would be having some effect. Meaning that the teenager would be getting the message. Let me help you understand what is happening. The groundings have been around disrespect, spearing, defiance, annoying (big time!) and attitude!!! ==> “Disrespect, defiance, annoying and attitude” are all very vague terms that could mean anything. He is an only child. We start with a 1-day grounding say for showing disrespect. ==> If I were to video tape him being disrespectful, what would I see? Is he using a particular cuss word? Is he throwing something across the room? That grounding turns into a 3 day grounding within a few minutes because this child will not close his mouth, will not stop what he is doing and becomes irate and extremely angry to the point th...

"I've been following your program for a couple months, seeing steady improvement. But here are my problems we can't seem to get by ...my husband and I both work full time and there is about 3-4 hrs of time our 15 yo son is by himself, so if a grounding punishment is needed, how do we enforce it? Also should we punish for bad behavior at school if he gets monitored through the truancy system?" Re: How to enforce grounding when both parents are at work. One option is tell your son that you will be placing random phone calls to the home via the landline (if you don't have a landline -- get one!). If he does not pick up the phone when you do your check-in, then he chooses to be grounded for a longer period of time when you are home to monitor the grounding. With this method, there must be a zero-tolerance for him not answering the phone. For example, you call …he does not answer. The next time you call, he answers and says he was in the bathroom when ...

Hi J., == > I’ve responded in various spots throughout your email below: Mark, Recently I became the recipient of a $720 phone bill, courtesy of my 15 year old daughter, A___. After confronting A___ about her phone usage I asked her to give me her phone. She refused and a short while later left the house, presumably to gather her wits. A short while later my wife noticed my car was missing. My daughter had taken my car! My daughter does not have a driver's permit or insurance. A short time later my daughter called us from her friend's house, about 5 miles away. She was safe, and so was the car. In the meantime we had called the police. We knew she had to face consequences for her actions. The police officer explained that we had several choices on how to proceed with a juvenile (after bringing her home): 1. Do nothing (leaving the consequences up to us as parents) 2. Write her tickets for Driving Without a License, Driving without Insurance, C...

Mark, I have recently found and joined your OPS. I have a 15 yo son that came to live with me when he was 12. His mother is best described as an overindulgent parent. He was also exposed to her habit of distorting the truth to suit her needs. He learned and has told me that no matter whether wrong or right she always gets what she wants. She will go months without calling him. My son will not open up to anyone. He seems to have the traits of a "scapegoat and a lost child". He has approximately 15 of the 20 traits from your Indulgent parent quiz. I am more in line with an authoritarian parent. Needless to say i have made a multitude of mistakes as a parent. I am also a 13-year police officer with a 50/50 mix between patrol and specialized units. That said the current problem is that my wife (his step mom) and my son have a very contentious and volatile relationship. Saturday while I was asleep my wife got onto my son about something and he announced that he was leaving...