This action showed us he seems to have no ability to process sound judgment ...

Mr. Hutten,

I appreciate your time this afternoon. Our “child” will be 18 end of May… has very good grades and has been accepted to attend the University of MD this fall. However, recently we have discovered him drinking… followed by an episode of being dismissed from an overnight school function for sneaking a girl into his room… followed by reports of him cutting classes at school… and reports of missing assignments endangering him from graduating… all within the past couple of months. A recent report card shows a sharp drop in several grades.

Last weekend my wife and I went away… leaving our son at home unattended. In retrospect, we regret having done that… but we did it because we wanted to give him a chance to build our trust… we explicitly told him many things like “NO ONE is to come to the house”…and… ”of all weekends to use poor judgment this would certainly be the one NOT to mess up,” etc. We also asked him for his direct assurance he would not violate our trust and he told us he would not. We also told him that if he stepped out of line while we were away, that he would not be allowed to go to “Beach Week” after graduation (a week of vacation after graduation unattended by adults at a beach house). 

With him being in so much recent trouble, and knowing we were fully suspicious and watchful, and with the important threat of not going to Beach Week on the line, we truly thought he would not be foolish enough to try anything. HOWEVER… sure enough he went right ahead and had a big party while we were gone… it was very easy for us to see the botched efforts to cover up 30-40 people having been in our home, including simply going into our own trash and finding empty alcohol containers, marijuana remnants, and used condoms. This action showed us he seems to have no ability to process sound judgment and has no regard for consequences of his behavior. We believe this constitutes a danger to his well being.

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We are now doing our best to impart the consequences… including no Beach Week as promised, removal of his access to money (took away a debit card), and grounding indefinitely.

In response he is distraught and rebellious. We are concerned with what he may do based on his reactions to our efforts of imparting consequences. He seems to truly BELIEVE things he says like “it’s no big deal to have some people over” and “unfair” to impart such harsh consequences. We are flabbergasted that he seems impervious to the magnitude of his actions and seems to want to do nothing more than to somehow have this all go away so he can “hang out” with friends, rely on us to resolve his grades and attendance issues, and in general be totally disengaged. He cannot seem to do simple tasks like laundry, remember to take out trash, clean up after himself, or contribute to the household.

He has expressed thoughts such as “half of me understands, but half of me says ‘screw you,’ what else can you do to me, so I may as well just go out and do what I please.” We are frightened that we are losing him and quickly losing control… and don’t know the immediate next steps for intervention.

We would appreciate your feedback ASAP.

Thank you,

E.

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Hi E.,

First of all, the problems you’ve listed are covered in the eBook. I don’t have time to do a re-write, but I would like to make a few comments in the time I have.

While hormones, the struggle for independence, peer pressure, and an emerging identity wreak havoc in the soul of the adolescent, issues of how much autonomy to grant, how much "attitude" to take, what kind of discipline is effective, which issues are worth fighting about, and how to talk to offspring-turned-alien challenge parental creativity, patience, and courage.

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To guide a child to adulthood, to ingrain values, to help negotiate social relationships, and to see new ideas, ideals, goals, and independence emerge in a child can be the adventure of a lifetime. Like any adventure, the thrill is in the journey.

Challenges conquered sweeten success, and while failure is in part unavoidable, no parent can know how the balance of success and failure measures out until the journey is complete. As long as the journey continues, there is hope: a chance to turn failures into success, weaknesses to strengths.

Like any adventure, the challenges are unique to each traveler. Even the same parent will experience different challenges as each child is guided through adolescence. Because each journey is unique, there is no way to smooth all the bumps, anticipate all the challenges, or detonate all the land mines beforehand. However, there are aspects of the journey that appear to be universal.

Although teenagers will make their own choices, a good home life can increase the odds that kids will avoid many of the pitfalls of adolescence. Particularly, a kind, warm, solid relationship with parents who demonstrate respect for their children, an interest in their children's activities, and set firm boundaries for those activities may directly or indirectly deter criminal activity, illegal drug and alcohol use, negative peer pressure, delinquency, sexual promiscuity, and low self-esteem.

Parents who give their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves may find that they actually enjoy their children's adventure through adolescence.

As they watch their sons and daughters grow in independence, make decisions, and develop into young adults, they may find that the child they have reared is -- like the breathtaking view of the newborn they held for the first time -- even better than they could have imagined.

I’m out of time for now. I hope this helps. The eBook will go into much greater detail as to how to correct the child issues you’ve listed.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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I'm trying to figure out how to keep her from teaching my daughter her tricks...

Mark, I started using your program about 6 weeks ago. I'm finally seeing some positive changes. However, My 9yo who is ODD has a developed a friendship with the 11yo across the street who is ODD, ADD & PTSD. We had her over for a sleepover. I found out from my older daughter in the morning that the neighbor broke most of our house rules. (She was reasonably well behaved when I was in sight.) Being that she is a neighborhood kid I'm trying to figure out how to keep her from teaching my daughter her tricks. Keeping them apart is unlikely as they live right across the street. I have already told my girls that I won't agree to another sleepover based on her behavior last time. Any ideas of how to handle her when she is with my kids?

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Hi S.,

If keeping them apart is unlikely, I don’t know how you will keep this girl from influencing your 9-year-old. What you can do is teach your child right from wrong (as simple as this sounds, it is easier said than done).

Research shows that the pressure to behave like someone else comes most often from wanting to be accepted, wanting to belong, and wanting to be noticed. Help your child learn what qualities to look for in a friend, and advise him/her about what to say if the negative peer is trying to get your child to misbehave in some way. Children who have difficulty making friends need your support to avoid being isolated or bullied.

Your child may not always know which situations could have harmful consequences. Start talking with your child about these dangers early, and prepare him/her for the moment when you’re not there and he has to make a choice about behavior or misbehavior. 

You also need to discuss the dangers of being around others who make risky choices. You can help your child learn how to recognize and back away from situations that could have harmful consequences. For example, discuss with her how to say no if someone offers her alcohol, tobacco, or drugs at a party. (Yes…even 9-year-olds experiment with drugs/alcohol.)

Role play with your child so that he/she can practice saying “no” to things that are harmful or against the rules. For example, pretend to offer your child a drink or a cigarette. Let your child take a turn being the person who suggests something that isn't safe. Then, have fun thinking of different ways to say no.

Repeat role-playing at different ages and stages of your child’s development. A 9-year-old may find it easy to turn down alcohol; a 15-year-old may be more curious—or more reluctant to act differently if others are drinking.

Make sure your child is comfortable with what he/she wants to say. Coach him/her to use his/her own words and expressions. For instance, a shy child might simply say, “I gotta go” and then quickly walk away. A more confident child might say, “What? Are you talking to me? Forget it!” Children who have trouble refusing offers from other kids may need extra practice in giving a strong, believable reason for backing away from a situation that they think could be dangerous.

Here are a few examples of “conversation starters” to use with your child:

• Do you find it easy to speak up about what you like and don’t like? Among friends? With strangers?
• If you had a friend who was stuck at a party with people drinking or using drugs, what advice would you give him?
• What do you look for in a friend?
• When is taking a risk a good thing? When is it bad?

I trust this will help,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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My son refuses to go to school...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your good advise. It’s really helping. We have hit a stumbling block as my son refuses to go to school and this keeps happening. We have taken away all privileges (phone computer TV, etc) He then went and punched his younger brother and hurt him for no reason whilst he was sitting peacefully to bait a reaction from me. When I asked why his answer was that he just did. I then extended the discipline saying that it would start again tomorrow. Today again he refused to go to school. However the issue that worries me at the moment is that I see that he has been taking some sleeping pills as he says that he can’t sleep at night. I am really worried and do not Know what to do. He is very angry at us and explosive all the time. The first two weeks have been going really well and then It started all other again.

Please help,

I.D.

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Emotional distress about attending school may include anxiety, temper tantrums, depression, or somatic symptoms. Parents are aware of absence, but the child often tries to persuade parents to allow him or her to stay home.

During school hours, the child usually stays home because it is considered a safe and secure environment. The child is unreasonably scared of going to school, might pretend to be sick or say he or she doesn't want to go to school, and usually wants to stay home because he or she feels safe there.

Children with school refusal are scared to go to school. They may be so scared that they won't leave the house. School refusal is most common in 5- and 6-year-olds and in 10- and 11-year-olds, but it can start at any age.

The problem might start after a child has been home for awhile, such as after a holiday, summer vacation, or brief illness. It also might happen after a stressful event, such as moving to a new house or the death of a pet or relative.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Children who won't go to school often say they feel sick. They might wake up and say they have a headache, stomachache, or sore throat. If they stay home from school, the "illness" might go away, but it comes back the next morning before school.

Children who refuse to go to school may worry about the safety of their parents or themselves. They may not want to be in a room by themselves, and they may be scared of the dark. They also may have trouble falling asleep by themselves and might have nightmares.

Parents can do several things to control school refusal before it becomes a routine, troublesome behavior.

Firmly getting the child to school regularly and on time will help. Not prolonging the goodbyes can help as well. Sometimes it works best if someone else can take the child to school after the parent or caregiver says goodbye at home.

It truly helps to believe that the child will get over this problem; discuss this with the child (the parent or caregiver needs to convince himself or herself of this before trying to convince the child).

Listening to the child's actual concerns and fears of going to school is important. Some of the reasons for refusing to attend school may include another child at school who is a bully, problems on the bus or carpool ride to school, or fears of inability to keep up with the other students in the classroom; these issues can be addressed if they are known. On the other hand, making too big a deal of school refusal may promote the child's behavior to continue.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Supportive counseling is often made available at school in these circumstances so as to minimize reinforcement of school avoidant behaviors and to prevent secondary gain from school refusal and should be encouraged for any student who wishes to have it. If the child simply refuses to go to school, some parents have found that decreasing the reward for staying home helps, for example, do not allow video games or television, or find out what work is being done in the school and provide similar education at home, when possible. This is especially if the "illness" seems to disappear once the child is allowed to stay at home.

The parent or caregiver should reassure the child that he or she will be there upon the child's return from school; this should be repeated over and over, if necessary. Let the child know that the parent or caregiver will be doing "boring stuff" at home during the school day. Always be on time to pick the child up from school if you provide transportation rather than a school bus.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My husband wants to forbid her from seeing him...

Thank you for getting back to me. As a matter of fact, I have been doing just as you stated. She does see him [boyfriend] under certain conditions and supervision. I'll continue to keep practicing your suggestions and hope for the best.

I have been working with your program and I have to say, it is giving me confidence and I find myself looking forward to sitting down and reading the material. I keep repeating those things like "let go and let God". I'm beginning to believe that it is me who has to change my parenting role, now that I am dealing with a budding young adult.

Question: Should I sit down with her and just tell her that I acknowledge her feelings for this boy and that it is time for me to trust her, but that she and I need to agree on some parameters for seeing him? My husband wants to forbid her from seeing him, so now I have two problems. I can handle my husband, but I want to keep peace with everyone.

Thank you again,

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: ...should I sit down with her and just tell her that I acknowledge her feelings for this boy and that it is time for me to trust her, but that she and I need to agree on some parameters for seeing him?

Yes, most definitely.

Re: My husband wants to forbid her from seeing him...

This will create more problems than it solves. I guarantee it! Wanna take a bet?

Mark

Online Parent Support

This is just as much about my "self discovery" as a person and as a parent as it is about my daughter...

Hi Mark,

I just signed up for the Online Parent Support and have just completed Week #1.

After years of misbehaviour and conflict I took my daughter (just turned 11) to see a Pediatrician, on the recommendation of my family physician. After my first visit and interview with the Pediatrician, I was told that "if you look up ODD in the dictionary, you would likely see a picture of your daughter". We talked a little about this disorder and when I left his office I actually felt some relief that there was a reason my daughter behaves the way she does.

When I got home I went onto the internet wanting to find out as much as possible about this disorder so I could have a better understanding what was going on with her. During my research, I found your Online Parent Support website. As I read through some of the information, I thought this was exacting what I was looking for. When I signed up for the course I was desperate for answers as to why my daughter behaves and responds they way she does.

Since completing Week #1, I have found that this is just as much about my "self discovery" as a person and as a parent as it is about my daughter. How I react and interact with her is key. I have implemented many of the suggestions and techniques, and they have worked beautifully in defusing many situations that would have, otherwise, ended up in huge explosions, tantrums and hurt feelings.

Also, understanding this oppositional, defiant behaviour has given me so much more insight and compassion and, as a result, has given me the strength to stay calm, not react and to let go of the small things.

Thank you for providing this online parent support, I'm truly looking forward to Weeks 2-4.

Sincerely,

G.W.
Victoria, British Columbia

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I am already seeing an amazing and positive difference...

Mark-

I am only on the second week of your program, but I am already seeing an amazing and positive difference in my daughter. We have struggled with her behavior since she was 9 months old. I was humbled and astounded to learn that I was a big part of the problem in the way that I was reacting to her. We actually have some peace in our home and she even hugs us and says “I love you” on a regular basis. She has even begun apologizing for getting angry and being unreasonable.

The next step is to help her bring her grades up and stay out of trouble at school. I have every confidence that we have turned a corner and I’m referring everyone I know to your program.

Thank you!

T.E.

Online Parent Support

Greetings Mark-

I am a social worker who delivers programs for parents and teens in conflict within their family. I am interested in your book, however, I would like to know if it would be applicable in a group setting. I work with the parents in one group and female teens in another group. I would like to know whether you have assessment/ evaluation tools for each person in the family. Each person does a personal evaluation at the beginning of the program and again at the end. I am looking for a comprehensive, easily understood tool. I thank you for considering my request and look forward to hearing back from you.

Barbara Thomas
Family Enhancement Program

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Hi Barbara,

Yes. It is applicable to a group setting. That's how I use it every week. My group is called the Parent Support Group. The online version, Online Parent Support (OPS), is the online version of the program.

Re: assessment tool. I only do a post-assessment and would be glad to offer that should you decide to use OPS for your groups.

Mark

Online Parent Support

He pee'd in the tub...

Mr. Hutten,

We purchased your online e-book/course. Initially, my husband and I were concerned that our son, R, who is twelve, did not fit the "profile" of an out-of-control teen. We were motivated to seek outside help and guidance due to the negative attitude we felt we were experiencing with R. This was primarily a talking back issue where R would continually "talk back" to us, mutter under his breath, and be purposely disagreeable. Additionally we saw problems of him thinking that he was smarter then everyone else, not doing schoolwork because he thought it was dumb, then lying to us when confronted by the bad grades.

We've started to review your material, but aren't sure how to incorporate it into our family dynamic.

We are writing this email because a recent incident has led us to believe that he is in jeopardy of becoming an "out-of-control teen." It's a very bizarre incident where R, while having a guest over to play the online game Halo, went into the bathroom we are currently renovating and urinated in the brand new tub. He did not wash it away and my husband discovered it while working in the bathroom. We called both boys out to the hall and asked "who did it?" Both boys denied it and we continued the dialogue with general comments of how inappropriate it was, etc... Later, after R's guest left, I asked him directly if it was him, he denied it, but after several minutes of listening to me, confessed that it was him that pee'd in the tub.

Our initial thinking is that he was just being totally lazy and did not want to miss a second of video game playing time, but we are incredibly disgusted, as well as extremely concerned. Where do we go from here? We don't think this is simply a boy being a boy kind of thing. We are concerned that this is part of the bigger picture of arrogance towards other people who he thinks couldn't possibly be smart enough to catch him.

We have determined that he will have a daily "hard labor" type chore around our house for the next five days, but on a larger scale what are we dealing with? In the past we have tried loss of all electronic games, loss of TV, loss of play dates, requirement to wear a uniform, (nice clothes), to school, all with little or no long term improvement.

Please email back with any suggestions.

Regards,

A. & J.

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Hi A. & J.,

Re: Backtalk—

With a little understanding and self-restraint, parents can put a lid on talking back. The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the children who use it. The child could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But children who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.

Parents need to do some behavior tracking: For three days, make notes about what your child says, what the situation was, and how you responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when kids talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively.

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your kids, but you can learn how to fight fair:

· Define what the problem is

· Define how to rectify it

· Don't attack

· Don't belittle

· Don't condemn

· Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

12-year-olds often put parents on the defensive. Say your son borrowed a ring that had sentimental value and then lost it. You might blurt out, "How could you be so irresponsible!" Look out -- he'll most likely turn that response around on you: "Oh and you've never lost anything before? Excuse me for not being perfect!" Instead of attacking, try talking in concrete terms: "You did this, so I feel this." Use the restraint and respect you'd show a guest in your home. The goal is for you to express your feelings in a way that allows your child to take responsibility for them.

Re: Not doing schoolwork/bad grades—

Please refer to the section of the eBook [Online Version] entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents.” Poor academic performance is addressed there.

Re: Lying—

One of the perpetual problems that many parents face is lying by their children. Parents will often personalize this problem and view it as a sign that their children lack respect for them. Parents may also believe that their parental authority is being undermined when their children distort the truth.

It is important that parents recognize that all behavior is purposeful, even the habit of lying. Some lying is a common feature of the human experience. Rather than focus on the specific lies told by their children and the implications of those lies, parents would be well-served in trying to understand the purposes underlying their children's need to distort the truth.

When parents confront their children about their pattern of lying, they may inadvertently make the problem worse. Parents may unintentionally promote a power-struggle and cause their children to actually become more deceptive about their behavior.

I believe that parents need to rethink their perspective for dealing with their children when they lie. I recommend that parents never use the word lying in front of their kids. Use of the word lie sets up an adversarial dynamic. It is preferable to use phrases such as "you need to be more up-front with me" or "you need to be honest with me". This relaxes the encounter and makes it more likely that you will get to the bottom of the situation.

Often children will lie if they feel intimidated or feel excessive pressure from a parent. For example, a child may be afraid of harsh, punitive treatment as a consequence for poor grades. Talking with your child on an on-going basis about the nature and quality of his work, rather than focusing on assessment is helpful in promoting more truthfulness.

Adolescence may be the most difficult developmental period for dealing with lying. Children, during the teen years, are looking for ways to separate from their parents through experimentation, concealing information, and acting guarded around their parents. Try to keep the lines of communications open. Set appropriate boundaries and limits. Monitor your children closely for substance abuse, and other acting-out behaviors. Never accept excuses for inappropriate behavior. Set logical consequences and stick to them. By setting these parameters, parents can reduce the opportunity for their teenagers to engage in lying.

Some guidelines for parents to cope with children who conceal the truth are:

· All behavior is purposeful, even lying. Lying is not always intentional deceit and may be aimed at getting attention from parents or manipulating a situation.

· All children will lie on occasion. It is inevitable. Remember your childhood?

· As a parent, role-model honest communications and behavior demonstrating integrity with your children. Children may pick up on inconsistencies in parenting and use those patterns as a reason to be untruthful and manipulative.

· Children may be embarrassed or sensitive about telling the truth. Acknowledge those feelings with them, but insist on knowing the truth.

· Monitor your children's behavior (without over-involvement) to see if you notice any red-flags.

· Never make the issue of deception the main focal point of your conversations. Lying is always a byproduct of other more meaningful areas of exploration with your children.

· Never set-up your child by being aware of a lie and then asking him for the truth without discussing that you have information. Acknowledge up-front that you know what's going on.

· Reframe the word lying. Use terminology that means the same, but softens the conflict.

· Stay out of power-struggles with teens over deception. If you know they are being untruthful, merely acknowledge it and set reasonable, logical consequences.

· When children tell the truth, reinforce their positive behavior.

Remember that lying is purposeful behavior that can be minimized with healthy involvement with your children, appropriate monitoring, sensitivity and understanding, and role-modeling of honest, open, and emotionally expressive communications.

Re: Where do we go from here?—

Your son urinated in the tub for one simple reason: He didn’t think he would get caught.

Simply state the house rule and the consequence for violating the rule (e.g., “No urinating anywhere other than in the toilet …if you choose to urinate somewhere other than in the toilet, you’ll choose the consequence, which will be grounding for 3 days with no privileges”). Then issue a consequence if he violates the house rule.

Don’t get too paranoid over this problem. I see it as a one-time event. If it becomes a pattern, then we need to talk again in a future email.

Re: In the past we have tried loss of all electronic games, loss of TV, loss of play dates, requirement to wear a uniform, (nice clothes), to school, all with little or no long term improvement—

How long did the “loss” last. 1 - 3 days hopefully.

If you will discipline as outlined in the eBook (i.e., start with the least restrictive consequence first), then you will see some positive behavior changes occur. Most parents have grounded for too long.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Child

He has obviously worked out what I'm doing & is not happy about it....

Hi,

This afternoon I told my 11y/o son that if he went out without my permission he would be grounded for 3 days. His reply was "why 3 days?" "Is it because of the new site you have in your favourites on the computer?" (We share the one computer.) I told him we would talk about it later. How should I deal with this? Is it OK for him to know that I am getting help from you?

He has obviously worked out what I'm doing & is not happy about it. He has asked several times about it whilst throwing daggers at me with his eyes.

How much should I tell him? I have always been as honest as possible with him, without being stupid of course.

I have just started putting week 2 into practice but already I am seeing a huge difference. I don't think I've yelled once in the last 9 days & I feel much more relaxed.

After not turning off the computer this morning when asked, I turned it off for him, I got yelled at (I stayed calm & quiet).

While calming himself down, he closed & locked doors ready for us to leave without being asked. I AM AMAZED.

Regards,

C.

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Hi C.,

Re: This afternoon I told my 11y/o son that if he went out without my permission he would be grounded for 3 days.

Actually you want to start with the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., grounding for one day without one his most favorite things – like the phone and computer). Then if he refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, you issue the 3-day-discipline: grounding for 3 days with NO privileges.

Re: Is it OK for him to know that I am getting help from you?

It would be best that he not know what you are up to. Otherwise it's like showing him your poker hand in a game of poker.

Re: How much should I tell him?

If you noticed, I outline in each session assignments {Online Version of the eBook} exactly what to tell the child with respect to "giving him/her a heads-up" on what you plan to do.

Keep up the good work,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child

Teens & Tobacco Use

Hi Mark, 

We’ve been using your e-book strategies and they have been extremely helpful. Thank you. What does one do when your child is smoking cigarettes (tobacco)? 

Regards, S.

__________

Hi S.,

Teens seem to be more abrasive when smoking, or they feel like they are older and wiser when they smoke. We now see a lot of teen smokers giving each other rewards in social aspects such as conversations, companionship, and other common social contacts. 

Research has proven the fact that nicotine has the ability to suppress feelings, suppress appetite for food, is used as stimulation after sex, and is a good way to relax from troubles and feelings of insecurities. 

Teens like to act as if they are someone special or dangerous. By smoking, they can act on those feelings. Because it is so forbidden, it becomes more alluring to teens. The problem is that when they take that first puff, they can become addicted. The idea that they are breaking the law or going against their parents and schools is an addiction within itself. 

Kids like to get attention -- it does not matter if it’s good attention or bad attention. They crave attention, and by smoking they get big attention. The other teens look at them in all kinds of ways, and the adults get upset and don’t know what to do.

Bottom line: You will not be able to stop your child from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not a battle you should fight. In fact, the more you worry about it or lecture your child, the more she/he will smoke! But you can stop her/him from smoking on YOUR property. Here's what you can say to your child:

"I can't keep you from damaging your health by smoking. But it's your health - not mine! However, I don't want you smoking in my house or anywhere on my property. If you choose to smoke on my property, you'll choose the consequence, which is grounding for 3 days without privileges (e.g., use of phone, T.V., computer, etc.)."

If your child smokes on your property, follow through with the consequence. If YOU smoke, keep your cigarettes with you at all times.

The less you worry about it and the less you focus on it, the less appeal smoking will have for your child.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

I have an out of control 16 year old daughter...

"Hi I'm Yvonne and I have an out of control 16 year old daughter. For the past year and a half we have been having issues on a weekly bases with our daughter. I will fill you in quickly on some of the things that we have been dealing with over this time.....

 

==> Click here for full article.

What do you advise when it comes to school? Do we let him fail?

Hi Mark

I need your advice if this is appropriate.

My son is 17 and should be graduating this year. He has skipped 60% of his classes this year and has done no homework so is failing all subjects. He is now scrambling, although again with the smallest amount of effort required and he continues to take short cuts and do the bare minimum to get on the grad list. We have always “nagged” for a lack of better terms for him to do his homework and of course, he did the opposite.

We are using incentives to get him to go to class (car privileges) and some additional perks for assignments to get done. When he can’t meet the goal, he says we are the worst parents etc… and you know how that goes. I am stupid and an idiot and standing in his way of graduating.

What do you advice when it comes to school? Do we let him fail? He just is not capable of doing this on his own.

One small example: His packsack has been in his friends car for a week. At the same time and he wants a $30 dollar haircut. I said he needs to get this packsack to be able to get a haircut and he makes every excuse as to why he has not yet got it.

Is he rebelling? Why would he do this if there is an incentive? HELP!

We have been working through your program but have not found anything that is related to this where there may be some key messages or examples of what to do in this regard.

Thank-you in advance for any advice you can provide.

S.

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Hi S.,

Actually, I do address this in the eBook. Please go to the page in the online version entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents” [Session #4] and look for where it reads:

"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

This will answer your question. If you need further clarification, I’ll be glad to respond.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Thanks Mark

I had not got to this section yet and this does help. Just to confirm though, are we still able to offer incentives and consequences for homework and school or does this negate the objective of leaving them alone. We have two other sons who also are not motivated in school and we want to be able to influence them to do well in this regard. It is Soooo hard not to get involved when you see history begin to repeat itself.

I do not want to fall back into our previous parenting habits as it is clear they were not as successful as we intended them to be.

Thanks so much for any additional adivse you can provide, as appropriate.

S.

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Incentives for getting good grades and punishments for getting bad grades are "traditional" parenting strategies that have little - or no - positive outcome for the unconventional child (i.e., strong-willed, intense child).

I would encourage you to simply follow the recommendation outlined in the page I referenced earlier.

I had a mother in group going through the same thing. When I gave her the recommendation, I could tell that she felt the weight of the world being lifted off her shoulders. She finally had permission to NOT make her son's academic performance HER responsibility.

Oh ...as a side note, her son's grades went from D's and F's to B's and C's. Not perfect, but the parent-child conflict was greatly reduced - and he was at least passing classes.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He starts pushing me around...

Hi Mark,

The first couple of weeks of trying your strategies seemed to be working. But a couple of days ago my teen started acting out again. He starts pushing me around, kind of his way of looking for a fight. I tried to keep as calm as possible and I left the house for a class. I came back and my son had left the house with a note saying that he went by his dad's (which he hasn't been by for 2 years and refuses to go) and that if that doesn't work out, then he is going to kill himself (which he has been saying for a long time now and even admits that he is just saying that). I called him on his cell the night he took off and he said he was by Grandma's house (where he normally runs to) and said the reason he left is because I took away his freedom (I started taking a class and this was my 2nd week and he has to stay in the house while I am gone).

Please advise.

Thanks,

L.

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Hi Linda,

It is going to be nearly impossible to keep him “in the house” while you are gone. Instead, drive him to his grandma’s house or dad’s house and instruct them that your son is not to leave their house (unless going somewhere in their company) until you return.

Also let him know that the next time he “pushes you around” – which is misdemeanor battery – you will call the police and file charges.

Re: killing himself - This, even by his own admission, is a manipulation.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

When Your Teen Makes False Claims That You Are Abusive

"My out of control teen has a set of grandparents and a family that she has convinced I am completely abusive to her. I have been turned into the authorities four times now from false allegations and have a meeting for a 'home visit' tomorrow with the latest investigation case worker. My daughter wants to go live with the grandparents and will do whatever it takes to get removed from my care.

My concern is a co-worker I know has a similar situation. Her son turned his mom in making abuse allegations. They didn't 'stick' so the second time he turned her in for alleged abuse he made marks on his body and called saying his mom was abusing him. It stuck that time and his mom, who wouldn't hurt a flea, is now on probation for 17 months for the abuse allegations.

When do I throw in the towel? I am very worried this is going to go the same way for me.......not if but when."

Click here for my response...

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… I am Interested in the original posts questions..when do we throw in the towel..and I decided the next time my daughter pulls this is when...and then ill get stuck probably owing child support for her!!! outrageous!
•    Anonymous said… I had no idea so many people go through this! soo glad I found this page!
•    Anonymous said… I have a 16 year old daughter that is totally defiant as far as following rules. I have just a few rules to follow. Once a week she cleans her room,stay brings dishes daily, take out the garbage daily, once a week vacuum the living room rug or sweep mop the kitchen floor once a week. The other is curfew. She basically refuses to do anything she doesn't feel like doing and gets angry when we remind her. We have lived in my mother's house as my mother could not support herself after my father died. So my mother has helped my husband and me in raising my daughter. At 13 years old when she started hanging out with one 15 year old school friend the defiance started. She started drinking alcohol, smoking pot, popping pills. I had to take her to a Behavior Center as she stated she wanted to hurt herself. I thought she was trying to manipulate us but could take that chance. She started to get better. But this summer when she turned 16 years old everything started to hit the fan. She wants to stay out with her friends that are about 2 years older 1-2 hours past curfew. She says her room is her room and she can keep it anyways she wants. She shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want. She has temper outbursts throwing and hitting things. Today she threw 2 yogurt container, one at the wall and the ceiling the other on the floor. I called the police. They can't do anything. She even as told the police I leave her to watch my mother who has dementia. Try to make me out to be the bad person. She continues to badger me to agree with her stating that I don't listen but will not listen to anything I say. I am a rotten mother, so not know how to be a mother etc. I am moving out on my mother's house to try to my sanity, she refuses to come with because her friends are here. I told her she can not stay with my mother as they are always at each others throats. She says she is not going to move. I have decided today that at curfew time the doors will be locked if she not home she needs to find which friend house to stay at. I have turned off her phone and will take internet access away. She will receive basic needs from me (necessary) clothes, food and transportation to/from school. Am I wrong with my actions?
•    Anonymous said… I haven't been thru this part of the process yet, but have been thru a lot with my oldest, and have had CPS involved due to some of his wonderful behaviors and choices. I had a worker sitting on my couch right next to me, tell me that she had to talk to her supervisor to know what to do next, because they are all trained to protect the child from parental abuse, but have no idea how to handle it when its the child that's the abuser. I wonder how many situations it will take, how many families will have to go thru the things this group is posting about, and the many that don't post, before the system catches on that new training needs to happen, new things and procedures need to be learned. It's sad that this is so rampant, that so many parents are at a loss and overwhelmed, and if and when they do finally react due to being at wits end, then they really are looked at as the one with the problem and the bad guy. Praying for all of you, because I understand many of the emotions that are running thru you and above all, the hurt and frustration, God bless you mamas, keep doing the best you can!
•    Anonymous said… I know for me..I live in hell with my 15 year old daughter. because of this I dont even want to speak to her or be around her for MY protection against any kind of accusations she could make. I feel I need protected because if you discipline them or heaveb forbid tell them no, they call the cops and always use the abuse card!!! I feel im the one who needs protection! I reallllly hate this and feel trapped under the roof with someone who at anytime can lie and cause me trouble.
•    Anonymous said… My sister is going thru the same thing. Ad I sugested, she started using her phone to secretly tape conversations at home with her daughter. She almost went to jail and once the judge heard the recoedings, he sent my niece to detention for 12 days.
•    Anonymous said… omg I am going through this exact thing! I feel like I am helpless! my kid runs the show becauseTHEY have the power not us! I am so glad I found this page because I have no idea what to even do let alone wrap my mind around all this!! and im too afraid to tell anyone our business so I am just a sitting single mother duck I feel!
•    Anonymous said… This is such a disturbing and manipulative way for teen to act, I know from personal experience the child is allowed to act this way because of the grandparents who are under minding your authority the whole time !! My advice keep loving the child untill they are out of your care and allow them to fall, it's called tough love and boundaries, something unfortunately you have to teach them.

Please post your comment below…

Daughter just scoffs at parent...

Hi J.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email: ===>

Hi Mark,

We are having trouble enforcing the 3 day discipline because my daughter has yet to complete it even though I keep saying that if you break the 3 day grounding, you will have to start it from day 1. She just scoffs at it and goes out whenever she wants. This has been going on all week. What can we do so that we don't end up looking stupid because she is not taking it seriously at all.

====> Say, "If you choose to walk out on your 3-day-discipline, you'll choose the consequence, which is we will call the police and file run away charges as well as go to juvenile probation and file an incorrigibility complaint." Then if she leaves, follow through with this consequence.

The other issue is that we don't seem to be able to have a normal conversation anymore without her shouting or swearing. As an example, yesterday I asked her to fold the washed towels and put them in the linen cupboard. She refused to do it. I said that if she didn't complete that task, she would not be allowed on the computer. My husband disconnected the keyboard but she just disconnected another one from a different computer and used that. When my husband told her that she did not have permission to do that, she just yelled at him but by then she had already done what she wanted to do which was to send her friend a message.

====> If this situation occurs again, simply make sure ALL the computers are disabled.

I've tried to talk to her to find out why she is behaving this way and have told her that it is really hard to function as a family when we cannot even talk to each other in a civil manner any more. All I get back is more yelling and bad language but never any hint of a reason as to why she is behaving this way. We feel like we're walking on egg shells.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

=====> Trying to "reason with" your daughter is just another traditional parenting strategy. Simply state the house rule, then follow through with the consequence when the rule is broken.

She has also removed the door handles from her bedroom door so that we can't go in. I've told her that she is entitled to her privacy but she is not allowed to destroy property in the process. In fact, we haven't even been going to her bedroom because we've decided to give her some space in the hope that she will calm down and come to certain realisations about how her behaviour is affecting our family.

====> You are way off base here. She is NOT entitled to anything other than basic needs (e.g., clothes, food, shelter, education). Privacy does not fall into the "basic needs" category. Put the handles back on the door and tell her that if she chooses to remove them again, she'll choose the consequence, which is you will remove the entire bedroom door for a period of 3 days.

===> I can see that you are having great difficulty implementing "tough love." Also, I can tell that you are afraid of your daughter. Until you stand up to her, she will continue to be in charge.

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

She is now in the custody of DHS, and I'm afraid I won't get her back...

Dear Mr. Hutten,

My 12 year old daughter just went off the deep end and started defying, disrespecting, etc., etc. I did not know what to do, and did not turn to the internet for help. She is now in the custody of DHS, and I'm afraid I won't get her back. She has refused to talk with me or see me since she left in Sept of last year. DHS will want to decide on a permanent placement soon, and we haven't made one step toward each other this whole time. How can I convince her I've changed when she won't let me talk with her and DHS doesn't seem to be doing anything that has made a positive difference. I don't know what to do. When I saw your video, I was identifying with everything you said about my reactions to her bizarre behaviors. I am so sad, and my daughter seems to be forging a new way for herself, supported by DHS, and isn't looking back.

C. in Colorado.

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Hi C.,

You may be surprised to hear that I often get parents in my parent program who are court-ordered to attend because they got into a physical altercation with their child, or the child called the cops on the parent. Then the parent is in the unfortunate position of being investigated by a caseworker.

They go through the program, get a certificate and show the certificate to the powers that be (e.g., judge, case worker, etc.). And in most cases, they get their child back.

You can have the same result.

Join Online Parent Support. Do the four-week program. Then I'll give you a short and simple quiz to verify that you actually studied the material. Then I'll email - or mail - you a certificate of completion.

This certificate will show others that you are an invested parent who wants a fresh start with your child.

Don't delay. There's too much at stake. Your child needs you!

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My daughter stated that she does not like lacrosse...

My daughter was just recently diagnosed with ODD and today she shows up at my office and she should have been at lacrosse practice and I could tell when I said I would take her to practice that she was ready to explode. I diffused the situation but I am not sure really what to do as she quits everything she starts and I dont want her to think that is okay. My daughter stated that she does not like lacrosse, sucks at it and doesnt want to play. She only did so to please her dad who is very sports oriented and pushes her to do her best. Please advise.

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If your situation is like most parents' situation, you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about Lacrosse.

I'm sure sports is an important activity to her father, but I would say this one falls into the "pick your battles carefully" category.

Save your time and energy for the more important issues that are likely to pop-up.

You asked,

Mark
My Out-of-Control Child

This was a huge step in the right direction...

Dear Mark,

I wanted to thank-you for revising your website to better reflect the 4 sections of the program. I had asked about this a few weeks ago and was pleasantly surprised when I noticed this change today.

I wanted to let you know we have completed the first section of program and are starting on section 2. Today I had the challenge of saying no and sticking to it when my son wanted me to make an exception to a consequence he was given for skipping school = (Car is parked) and dishonesty when he told me he would take my truck to the gym, only to find out he did not go to the gym at all = (Loss of cell phone). This morning he told me he hated me and that he wished I would get into a car accident on the way home from driving him to school. I was able to apply the art of removing my myself from his comments emotionally and better yet, when he called me later to ask again if he could go to his girlfriends (because he was doing better in school and really trying) I was able to say no, and that I am proud he is doing better in school, however, I gave the reason for the continued consequence. I was ready to say, I will not argue, and didn’t have to as he said okay and then apologized for saying what he said to me this morning. I then was able to tell him that he gets angry and says those things as he has trouble expressing emotions. (I had written ALL the points down today and they were in front of me when he called.) I said we would need to work on this and that I love him very much. We ended the conversation without further problems.

You have to understand that he has been out of control for almost a year now so this was a huge step in the right direction.

I know this is just a start, but it feels so good to have some tools to use that really work. Thank-you so much and I will keep you posted.

~SS~

My Out-of-Control Teen

Is Tourette's a Behavior Problem?

Dear Sir,

My son is very hot tempered and cannot control his behaviour when he is angry or frustrated. He tends to throw things away away or kick on the wall. He always shout and always put the blame on me.

I have heard about tourette syndrome and I am not sure if his behavior is related to this problem. His father and grandfather had the same problem.

Could you pls give some information about it.

I am also interested in your book but am based in Mauritius. What is the easiest way to get access to your book?

Thanking you in advance,

M.

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Tourette's is not usually associated with the problems you are describing. Oppositional Defiant Disorder is however.

On another note, your geographical location is not a factor. This is an online program that can be accessed anywhere in the world.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I have decided to send D___ to a boot camp...

Hi Mark-

I have not been in touch for a while. I am still working the steps of the course but I still fall short. I almost need daily reminders of what I am supposed to be doing because its so easy to get caught up in the drama- I have to step back and think Ok what have I learned! I am doing better with sticking to what I say and not getting as emotional when he is pushing me. I am taking alot of time outs. But the bad behavior and defiance still continue just as strong from him.

A few weeks ago he shoved a boy into a wall at school this resulted in a bump on this kids head- his parents called the police and are pressing assault charges. D___ was sent to alternative school. While in alternative school he got in a fight on the school bus along with some other boys and was written a ticket for disorderly conduct and assault.

I have decided to send D___ to a boot camp ...its juvenile behavior modification program. i am a nervous wreck about it - but truly don't know what else to do. I know you work with the courts in your state and was curious if you have seen or had kids go thru these programs and how you feel it works or does not work with your program.

Thanks-

S.

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Hi S.,

Boot camps work well as long as the child is involved in programming, but the "positive behavior changes" do not seem to have longevity. That is, the child returns home from boot camp, then after a two-week honeymoon period in which the parent gets the impression that the child has actually made some improvement, the child reverts back to original behavior.

Boot camps are military-style institutions for defiant and disrespectful teens who have a problem with authority. They learn discipline and structure through military exercises, and rigorous physical training.

The theory of boot camp is that a swift "kick in the ass" will turn around a child who has probably been acting out for years. But in a lot of cases, just a short-term boot camp will not be enough for a teen to turn his or her life around. Boot camps work great if they are followed by a boarding school or other longer-term program.

Privately owned boot camps seem to have a greater affect on teenagers. Surprisingly, the recidivism rate of juveniles who attend state-run boot camps has been said to be as high as 94%, while overall privately owned boot camps have a much lower rate. Boot camps can also be long term (military based boarding schools) or short boot camps (summer boot camps).

Overall, boot camps usually have a definite impact on a teen especially the defiant and disrespectful ones. However, for a lasting change to take place, a boot camp usually needs to be followed by a longer-term program such as a boarding school.

Mark

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Mark-

This is a private boot camp (not state run) and D___ is most certainly the defiant type. This camp is for a weekend only but when the child "graduates" from camp at the end of the weekend, he is placed on a 3 month probation. They are given certain expectations and if in that 3 months they are messing up I can call his assigned counselor and they will come to my house or call and see if they can turn the situation around. If D___ continues the bad behavior I can have him sent back to camp for a refresher so to speak. The cost is only 200.00 or 100.00 if court ordered and if they have to go back in the 3 month probation period its 25.00. D___ was not court ordered but when we DO go to court for his tickets I can tell the judge what I have dont to try to help D___.

My hope is this boot camp will be an eye opener for him and then along with your program working on the long term changes in the family D___ can have success in changing his life around.

I have had a great deal of frustration lately that so many kids are falling thru the cracks. There just seems to be very little resources for parents in my area that have troubled kids. I am frustrated with summer coming and nothing for them to do that is positive to keep them out of trouble that parents can afford. I am seriosly thinking of approaching the police department or city or schools or all the above in my city to see if we can get some sort of program together that provides activities for kids -volunteer work - swimming whatever to help them belong to something good.

Parents like me that have to be at work have no way to get kids to and from stuff during the day and no money so I am hoping to maybe get volunteers to provide transportation.

I am just in the beginning stages of the idea. I dont know who/where/how/whats but I am growing a passion for it. I thought maybe a website too so programs (like yours) could possibly be referenced as resources for parents. Any thoughts or suggestions? All I know is it took 10 yrs to even find you or any thing like what you offer ..there are just too many people that dont know what to do where to go and we are losing the kids.

THANKS!

S.

My Out-of-Control Teen

When You Think Your Teen Is Using Drugs

"Our son is 17 and out of control, we have noticed lately his rudeness is getting worse. I fully intend to implement your methods but I am worried at the moment that he may be experimenting with drugs. I have found something in his room and have organised to have some tested. I have spoken to a few organisations and have a meeting with one this afternoon but they are so wishy washy with their advice. If we confront him, he may lose trust in us and not communicate etc. I want to take your direct approach but the feedback I get is I need to be careful with that.

I know I need to find out what the substance is before I get too upset, but if I gather some more info and involve a family friend who has done counselling and run our approach by you, would you be able to advise if you think it is along with your methods? I am preparing a contract at the moment and trying to find out all the legalities within Queensland so I know my rights (as he is now threatening to be emancipated from us, and we will have to pay him till he is 18). Does this sound like I am following the method? If I push too hard and he runs on the streets and becomes involved in harder drugs, are there intervention programmes to rescue him? Please advise."

Click here for my response...

What to do about grandparents...

Hi,

I am in the middle of session 1 and have done the parent quiz to find out that I am moderately indulgent.

My question is: What to do about grandparents or other family members who wish to indulge your child?

My son treated my Mother badly 3 days ago which really upset her, but she is now talking about paying for him to join scouts, which is something he wishes to do & my mother & I feel would be good for him. But I also feel that he should have to wait till he deserves a second extracurricular activity.

They have not spoken to each other since the incident; therefore there have been no apologies. I was brought up to think that this would be incorrect.

C.

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Hi C.,

As you will discover when you get a bit further in the eBook, you child should earn ALL privileges. Thus, it will be important for you to set some boundaries with other family members who may be working in the opposite direction. If possible, inform the others what your program goals are so that everyone can be on the same page.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Help For Resentment Toward Your "Hateful" Teen

"Assignment #1 in your program requires me to tell my daughter that I love her. I used to do this every day, but can't do it now because it's no longer true. I can't stand her. She is so rude and hateful to me. If I can't do this, is it worth me going on with the rest of the exercises – you said 'no half measures'?"

Click here for my response...

When Your Teen's Best Friend is a Negative Influence

"I am reading and reading your eBook, and I like it so far - makes a lot of sense - but the biggest problem for me with my teens especially the 16 year old girl is who her friends are. She has one best friend, and doesn't seem to hang around or call too many others - only one or two on the phone. But this girl is NOT one that is a positive influence in my daughter's life. While she is basically a sweet girl, she has had problems with drugs (in rehab type program) smokes (and now so does my daughter) has run away from home over night she is depressed and says she takes meds for her mood swings as well, and her parents that aren't as stable as would be preferred - and most sad is often accused by other kids of her "cheating" with my daughter's boyfriend, which kills my daughter but she always ends up believing her or at least saying so....."

 

MORE... 

For the most part she does what she’s asked to...

I've been using this program for about 4 weeks now. My 9yo DD is doing her chores with out much complaint. However she is escalating her behavior in other ways. She has broken about 5-6 things in the past month. At the rate she is going she should get her allowance back when she’s 16. Tonight she gave our poor dog a hair cut. He looks awful. She has been grounded most of the last 3 weeks. I give her lots of positive attention. We eat dinner together almost every night. I spend probably 10-15 minutes talking to her after school. She is a straight A student. For the most part she does what she’s asked to she just also does a lot of stuff she knows she’s not allowed to. She really doesn't seem to mind the consequences. How long does it take before it starts to work? Any ideas on consequences she might really hate?

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I find that when a parent is still experiencing difficulty after 4 weeks, she/he has missed a couple important pieces.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in the eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

Referring to the Online Version of the eBook:

1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life?

2. Are you saying to her "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return?

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out?

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes?

5. Do you use "The Art of Saying No" whenever your answer is no?

6. Do you catch her in the act of doing something right at least once each day?

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed?

8. Do you give her at least one chore each day?

9. Do you find something fun to do with her each week?

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up?

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my daughter, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is she EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle")?

13. Have you watched ALL the videos in the Online Version of the eBook?

14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”

15. Are you using the Fair Fighting Strategy?

16. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teenage Tantrums and Destruction of Property

"Dear Mark, my strong-willed daughter seems to have a real hard time adjusting to the fact that if she chooses to leave the house during the 3 day grounding, the 3 days start over. On her second day of grounding she had a half-day of school but instead of coming home she went out with friends. When she came home I informed her that her three days would start over because she chose not to come right home from school. She had a HUGE fit - and preceded to trash the whole house. 

She left but came back two hours later and proceeded to continue her tantrum (turning on every light in the house, demanding that I give her stuff back NOW, hitting, and throwing stuff at me). I told her if she did not stop I would call the police. Well needless to say I had to call the police and had her charged with disorderly conduct and property damage. My question is who should clean up the mess. Should I make her do it, hire a maid, or just do it myself and make her pay me? During her fit I started taking things away. Does the three days start over again from the time she came home from the police station and do I keep her stuff until the three days are served."

First of all, I want to say GREAT JOB! You are a good example of the type of parent I can enjoy working with, because you are working the program as intended. And I know it was tough for you to call the cops on your daughter.

Re: My question is who should clean up the mess. Should I make her do it, hire a maid, or just do it myself and make her pay me?

Since she already received a consequence in the form of legal ramifications that she will have to answer to eventually, I wouldn’t heap on another consequence by insisting she clean up. If she hadn’t had the cops called on her and been charged – it would be a different story.

Re: During her fit I started taking things away. Does the three days start over again from the time she came home from the police station and do I keep her stuff until the three days are served?

Again, she’s already had a consequence. Of course the wheels of justice turn slowly though, so she will not feel the total impact of the consequence for some time.

Issue the following warning: “In the future, when you have a 3-day-discipline and you choose to break the law by throwing things at me and tearing up the house, you’ll choose the consequence – I will call the police again AND go to Juvenile Probation to file a complaint. Then you can answer to the Judge. Your choice!”

In the event she has another similar temper tantrum, follow through with your stated consequence.

I’m glad the tail is not wagging the dog in your house anymore.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

We have good days and not so good days...

Hey Mark,

We have been plugging along since M got out of the youth home 1/3/08. He is in intensive probation and meets with PO every week either @ school or @ our home. Also can't to go to counseling once per week. He is supposed to meet with the referee once per month also--more like every 6 wks though. He does have a court date May 6 for the fighting incident (btw, was charged with "robbery armed" since one on the boys picked up money off the ground that belonged to someone else. We decided to obtain the services of an atty for this, as we are fine with "assault with a weapon" or similar, but not robbery armed, which also is not dropped when an adult. This is his last assistance, as he was 16 at the time--[now 17 and considered an adult in MI] and we can feel good knowing we gave him every opportunity to try to turn his life around). He has not missed school (was late 2x I believe about 10minutes) and is now pulling 5 A's and 1 B+. Has a girlfriend that we like well enough, still has a job, and is usually home on time (if late usually less than 10 minutes). As you know and have taught us, we have good days/weeks and not so good days/weeks.

We have taken away his cell phone, computer, use of the car for misuse of these. This is when he still tries to bully us/swear/negotiate/threaten etc. but for the most part we have been very firm. He did sign a "contract" for both the phone and car use.

What I need help with though are the "get to it later" stuff and the not so major stuff. Examples:

1) swearing--I am getting VERY tired of the "F______ B____" used when he gets angry and now any profanity mixed in conversation. I would say this is increasing since we have not been reacting to it. We have a 10yr old and his friends over and this is NOT appropriate. I need some idea(s) of consequences for this.
2) having the girlfriend in the bedroom. Usually under blanket cuddling and tries to have lights out. I have come straight out and told them it is not appropriate/respectful and is uncomfortable for those around. (btw--20 yr old brother has his g'friend in room but usually not on the bed together and NEVER covered up, etc.)
3) eats in bedroom, cooks and leaves stuff everywhere,
4) very slipshod on chores
5) starting to NOT call when he gets somewhere like we've asked (he usually is where he is supposed to be but it is a safety issue)
6) joining us for some family time

Any ideas on consequences/motivators would be great.

Also, fyi--his "best friend" that he makes bad decisions with has been committed to a psych hospital by his Dad for 2 weeks, and last week a horrific accident claimed the life of a very close friend and 2 other friends, with the driver still in the hospital (all 4 together in the truck).


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Teenage Son Refuses To Go On Vacation With The Family

"Our son is refusing to go on vacation with us (me, my wife, two other teenage boys). We have planned this for some time now. He says we can't make him go - he wants to spend the week with his friend (who is a bad influence). What can we do? I'm worried he will come up missing on the day of departure."

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