It is disrupting our entire family ...

Hi-

My son constantly annoys his sister (2 yrs younger) and his brother (6yrs younger). We have two other children that he realizes his comments don't affect as much, so he does not aggravate them so much. I am worried about my daughter who is 9 1/2. She is so sensitive and cries daily at the insults that my son gives her. It often times leaves her screaming and calling him names which sometimes leads to a consequence for her for name calling. I try to have them work it out on their own, but this only leads to even bigger fights. I try to encourage them to work together and praise them on the very few times that they are getting along or at least not fighting. This does not seem to be helping. It is disrupting our entire family and I am afraid that it is breaking down my daughter's self esteem. Please help!!!!

J.,

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Hi J.,

I find that when parents continue to experience difficulties after 4 weeks, they have missed a couple important pieces.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in the eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure."

For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

Referring to the Online Version of the eBook:

1. Are you asking your son at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in his life?
2. Are you saying to him "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return?
3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out?
4. Are you using the Fair Fighting technique as needed?
5. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes?
6. Do you use "The Art of Saying No" whenever your answer is no?
7. Do you catch him in the act of doing something right at least once each day?
8. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed?
9. Are you using “The Six-Step Approach” when something unexpected pops-up?
10. Do you give him at least one chore each day?
11. Do you find something fun to do with him each week?
12. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!
13. Is he EARNING ALL of his stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle")?
14. Have you watched ALL the videos in the Online Version of the eBook?
15. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”
16. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

How can you help your kids get along better?

The basics:

• Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs. Even if you are able to do everything totally equally, your children will still feel as if they’re not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you.
• Don’t play favorites.
• Don’t typecast. Let each child be who they are. Don’t try to pigeonhole or label them.
• Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own. Kids need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and they need to have their space and property protected.
• Never compare your children. This one is a “biggie”.
• Pay attention to the time of day and other patterns in when conflicts usually occur. Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned activity when the kids are at loose ends could help avert your kids’ conflicts.
• Plan family activities that are fun for everyone. If your kids have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.
• Set your kids up to cooperate rather than compete. For example, have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other.
• Teach your kids positive ways to get attention from each other. Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play.

Be there for each child:

• Celebrate your children’s differences.
• Let each child know they are special—just for whom they are.
• Listen—really listen—to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family. They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel.
• Set aside “alone time” for each child. Each parent should spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis. Try to get in at least a few minutes each day. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child.
• When you are alone with each child, ask them once in a while what they like most and least about each brother and sister. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other!

Resolving conflicts:

• Don’t yell or lecture. It won’t help.
• Encourage win-win negotiations, where each side gains something.
• Give your kids reminders. When they start picking on each other, help them remember how to state their feelings to each other. Don’t solve the problem for them, just help them remember how to problem solve.
• Help your kids develop the skills to work out their conflicts on their own. Teach them how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc. Give them the tools, then express your confidence that they can work it out, by telling them, “I’m sure you two can figure out a solution.” Don’t get drawn in.
• If you are constantly angry at your kids, no wonder they are angry at each other! Anger feeds on itself. Learn to manage your anger, so you can teach your children how to manage theirs.
• In a conflict, give your kids a chance to express their feelings about each other. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. Help your kids find words for their feelings. Show them how to talk about their feelings, without yelling, name-calling, or violence.
• It doesn’t matter “who started it,” because it takes two to make a quarrel. Hold children equally responsible when ground rules get broken.
• Model good conflict resolution skills for your kids.
• Research shows that while you should pay attention to your kids’ conflicts (so that no one gets hurt, and you notice abuse if it occurs), it’s best not to intervene. When parents jump into sibling spats, they often protect one child (usually the younger sibling) against the other (usually the older one). This escalates the conflict, because the older child resents the younger, and the younger feels that they can get away with more since the parent is “on their side.”
• Teach conflict resolution skills during calm times.

When to intervene:

• If your children are physically violent with each other, and/or one child is always the victim and doesn’t fight back, you are dealing with sibling abuse. You should probably seek professional help.
• Dangerous fights need to be stopped immediately. Separate the children. When they have calmed down, talk about what happened and make it very clear that no violence is ever allowed.

Involve your children in setting ground rules. Ground rules, with clear and consistent consequences for breaking them, can help prevent many squabbles. Here are a few ideas:

• Any child who demands to be first, will go last.
• If arguing over who gets first choice of bedtime stories or favorite seats in the car is a problem, assign your kids certain days of the week to be the one to make these choices
• If borrowing is a problem, have the child who borrows something from a brother or sister put up collateral—a possession that will be returned only when the borrowed item is returned.
• If the kids fight over a toy, the toy goes into time-out.
• In a conflict, no hurting (hitting, kicking, pinching, etc.) is allowed.
• No fighting in the car, or you will pull over and stop until all is calm again.
• No making fun of a child who is being punished, or you get the same punishment.
• No name-calling, yelling, or tattling is allowed.

What are family meetings, and how can they help with sibling rivalry?

A family meeting is a meeting for all family members to work together to make family decisions and choices by working together. Parents, children, and any others who live in the home and have a stake in decisions affecting the daily life of the family should take part.. Choose a time that works for everyone.

There are two leadership roles at the family meetings: (1) a chairperson who keeps the meeting on track and sees that everyone's opinion is heard and (2) a secretary who takes notes at the meeting, writes them up and reads the minutes at the next meeting. Parents can assume these duties at the first meeting. Later, other family members should take turns so that no one has total responsibility for these tasks.

The purpose of the family meeting is to recognize that everyone's opinion makes a difference. Family meetings help to build cooperation and responsibility, and it make anger and rebellion less likely. Also, it is a time to share love, develop unity, and to build trust and self-esteem. The social skills and attitudes that children develop within the family circle are the skills and attitudes they will carry with them the rest of their lives.

Sample Agenda for Family Meetings: (1)

• Clarify the issue to be discussed.
• Determine priority issue(s).
• Determine the most effective solutions.
• Discuss family issues, concerns, interests, and positive events of past week.
• Generate possible solutions.
• Make plans to implement the solution.
• Plan one fun activity for the coming week.

Ground Rules for Family Meetings: (2)

• Everyone gets a chance to talk
• Everyone has to listen
• No one has to talk
• No one puts anyone else down
• Okay to say what you feel
• One person talks at a time and does not get interrupted

Mark

Online Parent Support

Our son has not been a threat to society before or during probation...

Mark,

I have been working on the program from you, although I am only in my second week. We had our Staffing Meeting today to determine placement for D. My husband and I tried to plead our case to the man who will make the recommendation to the court on Tuesday (22nd). Of course he recommended a Level 6 program for 6-9 months. Our son has not been a threat to society before or during probation and we tried to make the man understand that. We shared the strides D has made, but like any teenager he has made some mistakes. We know D has a long way to go and we want to be there for him to help.

Do you know any web pages I can go on to support what we believe, D will not benefit from a Level 6 program?

In advance, thanks for any advise you may be able to provide.

R.

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Hi R.,


I'm not familiar with a "Level 6" program. Are you referring to the Department of Corrections -- or a juvenile treatment facility?

Mark

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The recommendation is to a Level 6 Juvenile Detention Facility. Level 4 is the lowest in Florida, but I have a feeling there were not any beds and so he was bumped up to a level 6.

R.

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Juvenile Detention (at least in Indiana) is much different than the Dept. of Corrections. The longest a juvenile can be detained in a Juvenile Facility is 180 days.

In any event, you should allow your son to experience the full consequences associated with his poor choices. If that's 6 - 9 months of incarceration -- then so be it.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My 15 year old daughter was secretly seeing a very unsuitable man of 20...

I have just completed your 4 weeks programme and trying very hard to implement all the suggestions. I wish we had come across this several months ago.

We seemed to have a happy peaceful family before Christmas, but since then things fell apart. I realise now that we have indulged our two children and that my daughter especially is used to getting her own way.

My 15 year old daughter was secretly seeing a very unsuitable man of 20. She managed to see him for about 2 months before we realised. Once we found out about it, we sat down as a family and discussed it and asked her not to see him because we felt he was too old and not from our part of town, he also has a GBH tag (Has been in trouble for fighting). At first she seemed to go along with it but one day my husband found them together in bed at our home during school time. Discussions, leading to rages followed, and again asked her not to see him. The pressure built up at home and one day she ran away for a night. The police were called and a Child protection Officer came to talk to us all. We had already been in contact with him because of our concerns for our daughter.

The Child protection officer felt there needed to be compromises on both sides and suggested (as he actually knew the man) that perhaps we should let her see him as he is not considered dangerous. So we agreed she could see him, and she still is.

I feel, had we had the strategies in place before, our daughter may not have continued to see him or even gone behind our backs in the first place.

I feel there is an improvement at home now, but as we have agreed to let her see him - can I or should I try and stop it? Or is it too late and we will just have to wait and hope it fizzles out.

I would welcome your advice.

L.

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Hi L.,

One of my juvenile clients, Kaylee (17-years-old) has pretty much only dated older guys. "The guys in my own grade seem immature, and I've known them forever," she once said.

For Kaylee, dating guys a couple years older has meant having boyfriends who own cars, can afford to buy her nice things, and can take her to parties she wouldn't normally go to. It also means instant new friends — his friends.

And Kaylee's not alone. She says most of her friends have dated older guys, too. So does that mean the age gap is no biggie? Well, not necessarily. Some older guys may be more mature, more experienced, and able to drive, but they also come with more expectations, which may also mean more pressure about a lot of things, including sex. In fact, girls who date older guys are much more likely to have unintended pregnancies than those who date guys their own age. And when teenagers have sex with older partners, legal issues may come into play — but more on that later.

Age doesn't make a sleaze. But some guys do date younger girls to control them and to be idolized.

A good way to figure out an older boyfriend's motives is to look at his reputation and how he's treated past girlfriends. Is he just kind and respectful ... or is he kind and respectful and controlling? This may be hard to determine, since control isn't always as obvious as saying "do this" or "don't do that." People can be controlling in ways that are more subtle. Making partners feel like they have to choose between the relationship and family or friends is one way of being controlling. Checking up on them constantly, or trying to influence them to act, talk, or dress in certain ways are others.

Tyeria, 17, felt an ex who was three years older took the control in the relationship because she was expected to spend most of her time with his friends — he wasn't into her same-age friends. Kaylee also thought she had less control because all of her older boyfriends seemed to be cooler, and she felt pressured trying to fit in with each new, "cooler" set of friends.

A girl who's hooking up with an older guy needs to think about something else, too — the law. Each state has its own laws governing the age of consent — the age at which a person is considered to be old enough to agree to have sex. States can also have different rules depending on whether it's two girls, two guys, a girl and a guy, or even what kind of sex they are having!

People above a state's age of consent who have sex with people below a state's age of consent can be charged with statutory rape. This is true even if the younger people are willing, because the law says they aren't old enough to legally give consent. "Statutory rape" is a crime that can be punished with a jail sentence for the older person.

Hundreds of older men go to jail every year for having sex with younger women. It can happen in same-sex relationships, too. In one recent case in Indiana, an 18-year-old guy was sentenced to 17 years in prison for having sex with a girl who was just a few days shy of turning 15.

So should your daughter run the other way? Not necessarily. But it's a good idea for her to think things through. Who will be in control? What are her expectations? What are his? What are your risks? Could there be legal problems?

It will also be helpful for her to talk things through with someone whose opinions she can trust and value, whether it's her best friend, a sibling, you the parent, or another trusted adult.

When dating older — and for dating in general — it's best to enter the relationship with your eyes wide open.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I had a meltdown screaming at her and swearing...

Hello, I am T___. A colleague has highly recommended your course I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to start.

Although I feel my teen is becoming out of control I am feeling out of control myself. This morning I had a meltdown screaming at her and swearing, I am so angry with myself and I know I did more damage than good, I need to learn myself how to control how I react, I am going to sign up for the course but am wondering if I might need to counselled myself or maybe together with my daughter.

Regards,

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: ...I might need to counseled myself.

You will find a bunch of "parent's anger management" suggestions throughout the eBook.

You've come to the right place!

Mark

Online Parent Support

How do I handle my son's way of talking to me?

Hi Mark

How do I handle my son's way of talking to me? I mean he never talks nice. It is “get me this” …and “do this.”

He is 14 almost 15. He says to me that he is a teenager and that I don't understand what a teenager goes through. Little does he realize, that I have been there too!! Example: He ask me to buy him a xbox 360 yesterday and I answer him no because all he want everyday is to buy games, or whatever. And he does nothing around the house, and I mean nothing, Garbage, blue box putting his clothes away is all we ask, and he does nothing so I am fed up and I don't feel he deserves anything as he does nothing. Finally after seeing his clothes still in the basket in his room after 3 days I get pissed off and tell my husband to get on his case, But when I do that my husband has a fit and tells me that I cannot control MY KIDS, (his kids too.) Anyway my son will then do it as my husband tells him to do it. Anyway getting back to how he speaks to me. He said tome after I told him no to the game, I hate you, you are so fucking me, You are a stupid parent, and I wish you were dead.

This is how he talks everyday. What or how do I handle this? Keep him in his room indefinitely, HELP.

G.

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Hi G.,

Re: ...son's way of talking to me...

You will want to refer to the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [online version - Session #3] for a detailed method. But let me elaborate a bit here:

The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the children who use it. The child could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But children who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.

How should you handle these outbursts? Parents should do some behavior tracking: For three days, make notes about what your child says, what the situation was, and how you responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when kids talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively.

Six rules for fighting fair—

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your teen, but you can learn how to fight fair. Adhere to the following rules:

• Define what the problem is
• Define how to rectify it
• Don't attack
• Don't belittle
• Don't condemn
• Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

Teens’ Common back talk: "Leave me alone!" and "It's all your fault!"

How to respond: Beware -- they may look like grown-ups, but teenagers are not completely rational. They think differently than adults and children, and often feel they're invulnerable. Be concerned about their responses and listen to them. Help them to see that you're on their side. If they say they want to be left alone, back off but don't give up. Take a more subtle approach. Write them a note without attacking or blaming, and say that you'd like to hear back from them. Always keep the dialogue open. Try talking in a lower voice. If you model screaming and shouting, that's what you'll get in return. And remember, you are always the authority in your house; you can set limits. As parents, you cannot be friends with your children, but you can still treat them in a friendly way.

My Out-of-Control Teen

She is a child to walk up to the line and go over it once...

I am considering buying your book but I would like more explanation on your “unconventional” techniques. I have read many books, and some seem to help for a little while and then something new comes up that I don’t know how to deal with. She is a child to walk up to the line and go over it once, but then seems to keep going right up to the line, but not quite crossing it, over and over.

Thanks for your time,

W.

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Hi W.,

All I mean by "unconventional" is that some of the techniques in the eBook are also used by therapists and psychologists to build a "therapeutic alliance" with their clients. In this case, you will be using the techniques to build an alliance - or bond - with your child.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Any good resources out there that may be of help with the behavior management end of it?

Hi Mark,

I am a Elementary school teacher (3rd. grade) who is doing their homework in the preparation of receiving next school year a little girl who exhibits all the classic symptoms of ODD. (I will forward your information about your book on to her parents and try to help them as best I can.)

My main purpose for writing you is to get ideas that I can use in the classroom for behavior management of this disorder. (My guess is that this little girl will be placed in the SBH unit one day or given home instruction.) I want to begin the year prepared and having a plan in place. I hope to meet with her adoptive parents before the year begins and get them on-board with working with me. Is there anything you would suggest in planning to deal with her behavior? Any good resources out there that may be of help with the behavior management end of it? I would appreciate any advise you can give.

Thanks,

Mitch Burton

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Hi Mitch,

You may want to consider downloading the eBook. I have many therapists, educators, probation officers, social workers, etc. who have either attending my live seminar or have joined Online Parent Support (the online version of the seminar). The program is not just for parents. Anybody who has to deal with an oppositional defiant child will benefit from the material.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Would he not be exposed to more criminal active and get more tools to the trade?

I checked with our lawyer if I charge C__ with theft he would go to a group home. Would he not be exposed to more criminal active and get more tools to the trade?
what are your thoughts?

Tonight he took off on me tonight, I used the steps and took his cell phone and computer and he demanded his computer from me. I said the 'no" once and I am not arguing etc. He said he was going out I said he was grounded and if he left I would start the grounding all over again etc. He took some clothes with him. He told me that he is very mad and wants to punch people out etc. who ever is talking about him, I had told him that I received a call from a parent that is concerned about him hanging with the wrong group and that he is doing things that he should not be doing. He said a list of the adults that he would not do anything to.

I was a little scared and he said he thought the computer is in the car and that he wanted the keys but he did not touch me. He said he likes smoking pot and he said i want to show you something then showed me the bong and told me that it is not his and I said that is what every body says that it's not theirs. I said this with no anger and my poker face. I said I would have to call the police if he is running away and he said that he can out smart the police that when the doorbell rings he is gone.

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Hi A.,

Re: I checked with our lawyer if I charge Chris with theft he would go to a group home.

With all due respect to your lawyer, I think he gave you some misinformation. Assuming this would be your son's first encounter with the juvenile justice system, he would probably receive what is called an "Informal Adjustment." I don't have time to explain that now. Call your local juvenile probation dept. and pick their brain on this.

Re: Would he not be exposed to more criminal active and get more tools to the trade?

As I stated earlier, it is highly unlikely that he would be going to some group home. Judges DON'T "sentence" first-time offenders to "placement."

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have been very passive in my approach with her knowing that she could probably kick my butt if a confrontation turned physical...

Hi S.,

I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Dear Mark -

I just signed onto your program last week and have a situation going on that I just do not know what to do.

I have a 14 year old girl using drugs and on the run most of the time.

== > First of all, don't threaten her. Avoid the temptation to say things like, "If you walk out that door, I'm calling the cops" or "If you leave, you're grounded for a month." or "Fine, go ahead and run ...I'll pack your shit and you can go live with your dad."

Instead say, "You know that I can't control you -- and if you really want to run away from home, I can't stop you. I can't watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in your room. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established some house rules. Running away from home will not solve any problems. You and I know it will only make matters worse."

If your daughter follows through with her threat to run away, do the following:

1. Call the police. Don't wait 24 hours -- do it right away.
2. Get the name of the officer you speak with.
3. Call back often.
4. Call everyone your daughter knows and enlist their help.
5. Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
6. Search your daughter's room for anything that may give you a clue as to where she went.
7. You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls she made in the last few weeks.

When she comes home, wait until you and she are calmed down before you address the matter. Then say (with your best poker face), "When you ran away, I felt worried and afraid. But I have an obligation to protect you. Therefore, if you choose to run away again, you'll choose the consequence -- runaway charges will be filed and a juvenile probation officer will want to meet with you."

If your daughter runs again, follow through with this consequence.

I am writing to you now because she came home last evening (walked past us and went to bed). I cluelessly have said or done nothing yet. History says she will dismiss me no matter how friendly my approach. The trigger for her last run a couple weeks ago was when she returned from her previous run and I invited her to go along on a trip to the vet with our dog. She went for the bedroom door to dismiss me.

I have been very passive in my approach with her knowing that she could probably kick my butt if a confrontation turned physical. Deciding not to act from fear, I have begun self-defense and Taekwon-do classes. My decision was no longer to allow her verbal abuse. So with this I pushed open the bedroom door and said calling me names in my home would not be tolerated. She got passed me, and did get a good slap in as she went on a cursing, ranting and raving mission, grabbing what I think was her drug stash in the back yard and vowing never to return (of course she always does for some clean clothes and a sleeping binge).

This was until very recently my "good" child. Her sister, now 17 will be returning from a Dual Diag. Correctional Facility (Severe Drug Add w/ Bi-polar, ODD, etc) in August. She successfully completed the program in a year after being in Juvenile Detention for 6 Mos. To date, all signs are that she is doing exceptionally well. Recently, as it gets closer to A___ coming home and all of us hoping for a fresh start, the younger daughter has gone out of her way to insist that I am a fool and A___ will come home and do what she always does.

Until a couple months ago, the younger daughter, S___, prided herself in being the smart, over achieving superstar daughter. Over the past year there were 2 incidents that may have been red flags, but I didn't catch them due to her history.

When school got out in May, she began staying out late and taking off to surrounding towns. I told her she was going to have to either get involved in an activity or get a summer job. She told me there would be no way, confessed to smoking weed and after my lecturing the consequences of her choices, she reminded me that there's not a F thing I can do about it and the running began.

She knows that it takes a long time (2 years for her sister) before ANYTHING happens. The police are reluctant to do anything, and here in FLA, short of them getting an arrest history, the rest is a song and dance as you get passed from one agency to the next.

I completely understand the problems that probably led to the mess with my daughters. We've done the counseling, I've soul searched and have made peace with God - but now what???? I've given it to God and one source he's led me to is you. What do I do NOW?

I hope you can give me something that can make a difference today.

==> If her drug use has been purely recreational, you may only need to clearly state your position regarding abstinence and then closely monitor her behavior. If she is more deeply into substance abuse, seek the advice of a behavioral health or substance abuse professional.

Don't show any emotions of anger or fear, and don't lose your good poker face -- but do send a strong message that drug and alcohol use is not acceptable. Don't lecture, be clear, and keep your message short and to the point.

Develop a list of names, addresses, and phone numbers of her friends. Get to know those kids if possible. Form a network with the parents of her peers. Keep in touch with one another. Don't be surprised if other parents don't share your concern about substance abuse.

Check her whereabouts regularly. Don't be shocked if you find that another parent is using drugs with her, allows substance-abusing parties at their home, or is supplying the kids with drugs and alcohol. If you learn that one of her friends is involved in drugs, don't keep it a secret from his/her parents.

Restrict or eliminate use of the car, take away cell phones, and limit unsupervised free time until she is committed to being "clean and sober." An out-of-control kid wants freedom more than anything -- let her know that freedom is earned.

If she wants to spend the night at a friend’s house, check with the other parent to make sure she has permission. Also make sure the other parent will be home, and determine if the other parent has the same curfew and expectations you do.

Kids often select homes of absent parents for sleep-overs and all-night drug/alcohol parties. Make sure she is not sneaking out after you go to bed. Nothing good happens after midnight.

Get Caller ID and Anonymous Call Rejection on the phone line that she uses so that you know who is calling her. Require that she call home from a "land line" phone so that the location she is calling from appears on your Caller ID.

Find out where she is getting the money to purchase drugs (e.g., your ATM card, wallet, money you give for an allowance, lunches, gas, etc.). Don't be surprised if you find she is stealing from you or others to finance his drug use.

Purchase urine-screen kits to use at home and test her randomly.

Tell her the following: "If you choose to use drugs, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and juvenile probation will be notified."

If she continues to use drugs, follow through with this consequence.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I am just hanging on!

Hi Mark

Well I did not skip to lesson #3 I am just hanging on!

I told C___ issue lesson #1 tips on what I needed him to do etc. not using the you and steps in lesson #1 and everything the first night it worked. He was even home earlier then curfew agreed upon.

Last night I used the same technique and he said I told you that he was staying out all night some where. I said I expected him home etc.

He said the was saying at M___'s house and he was out with some other friends etc. and that Mark was leaving the door open for him.

This morning I phoned over to M___'s house and he did not stay there the mother checked the house. I called his cell phone and he said he stayed at some girl's house and would be home later.

I called another friend of his and he said he was out with the drug seller in our neighbourhood last night as well. This girl he was with also does drugs. His friend said he is smoking pot and doing mushrooms as well.

Today he came back home and is sleeping all day. I used the assignment I love you and there are going to be changes around here. Do I just sit tight until I get to the next lesson? What should I do? He said this afternoon when he got up for a bit that he did tell me he was going to be out some night this week for the whole night>

Help!

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Hi A.,

I know this is hard for you to "hang on." But if you do not lay down the groundwork first (outlined in the beginning of the program), then you'll run the risk of failure with this method.

Re: Do I just sit tight until I get to the next lesson? What should I do?

Parents should use their old parenting methods until they are instructed to do otherwise (which you will be in Sessions #3 and #4).

Patience is key when implementing change!

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Life goes by one day at a time...

Mark,

Life goes by one day at a time. M_____ has racked up quite a debt. Most of these are bills that had to be paid (IE. court ordered "anger management class", secretary of state fee, repair of house damage etc) which Mom/Dad have paid and that he is required to pay back (and knows this and has accepted this and does have a job). His paycheck is direct deposited to an account over which he has no control. My dilemma is how much should he get for spending each week. Summer is (unfortunately) a slow time at his job and he may only take home $50 each week. Earlier we had told him he could have 1/3 of his pay each week for spending (additional 1/3 for saving, and 1/3 for a larger parent approved purchase). He is demanding the 1/3 but we (parents) feel this should be omitted/decreased due to the sizable debt. He also had his license taken away for 2 months so he is not using gas--but maybe is paying friends? Now I find $65 in his wallet (have only given him $20 in past month or so) and wondering if he is stealing/selling drugs or something. He has done both in the past. Wondering if having a little money would decrease his temptation for this.

He has never tested positive for drugs, but talks about them often and believe he has sold them. His "best friend" recently caught trying to package up weed and with $500 on him and had to go back to the youth home for this. What is your experience with this--selling/glamour of selling and not using? Any way to try to investigate this? Have not found any drugs in the home for over 6 month and then it was prescription drugs (ADHD med, and Oxycontin but was accused of trying to sell weed in school).

M_____ seems to have 2 sets of "friends". Those we approve of and another set we believe are into drugs/juvenile system, etc and who we don't really know. We would like to encourage the former without being obvious. Any suggestions on how to foster these friendships and discourage the others? We feel the more he associates with these types of kids and the less often he gets consequencs the more re-enforcement/freedoms he will earn and the less attractive the alternative will be (that's the idea anyway). As a teen, he would like a few bucks for movies, food, etc. Would giving him some of his earned money discourage the bad decisions? Is having no money at all making him feel desperate? I thought not giving him money may motivate him to do odd jobs around the house/grandparents house for pay, but this has not worked. It will take longer to pay off the debts but want to do the right thing. What is your advice for this?

Another question. M_______ missed curfew (by almost 3 hours) Saturday and then got caught trying to let his girlfriend in the house an hour later. He told us when he left that he would not be home by his curfew. He was given 5 days of no going out (no one over for 2 days and if stayed home and kept house tidy could have a friend over after that). Sunday night he just left at 11:00pm (disappeared without a word--older brother happened to see him get in a car). He did answer his phone at first, then stopped answering. Excuse for going out was phony (first had to go get a pair of "pants" but came home without them, then he left because he was angry but took a shower first and waited until "friends" picked him up and there was no confrontation with anybody at home before this). Came back 35-45minutes later. Car he was in was packed full of teens. His 5 days started over, and lost cell phone and computer as well. He then lost cell phone use for when he stopped answering phone (this was for 2 days and if answered house phone when I was at work to prove he stayed home he earned back) and told he was responsible to answer when away from home or would lose it again. He would earn computer back if no swearing for 2 days (swore at the dinner table so 2 days started over). Stayed home yesterday. Answered phone today. I found the $65 but just coincidentally after he was out with these kids (I don't know them). My question is should I have approached the car when he came home? If so, what should I have said?

He did come to me in the night after this asking me to not call his PO about this and that he does not want to "go away for 6 months" (if he is placed out of state in a program). I did tell him I would not call immediately and would see how he followed the rules day by day but that when she came for her visit on Thursday that I had an obligation to tell the truth and had every intention of doing so. He feels because he is 17 1/2 and has the potential of being off probation end of July that the court will not keep him on probation any longer and will not send him away to a program because he is "too old". He also threatens to do as he pleases when that happens. Yes, we can make him leave at 18, but not before.

Thanks for your advice.

J.

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Hi J.,

You’ve listed quite a few questions here. I’ll try to answer as many as I can in the time I have.

Re: My dilemma is how much should he get for spending each week.

I like your 33% rule. Letting him take possession of 1/3 of his earnings sounds reasonable to me.

Re: What is your experience with this--selling/glamour of selling and not using?

I have kids on probation who sell drugs – both for money and prestige – but who don’t “use” due to weekly urine screens. This is very common. The money is really good as long as you’re in the game. Fortunately, most “players” get removed from the game sooner than later.

Re: Any suggestions on how to foster these friendships and discourage the others?

In this short space, I have a few suggestions:

• Aim for more family meals together--everyone present. No TV nor phone interruptions are allowed. Attempt pleasant conversation about the day. Avoid using this time together to discuss homework, chores, or other problems. Keep dinnertime conversation positive!

• Be diligent so that your child does not catch "affluent-enza." "Affluent-enza" is when your child says "I want ___" and it often means "I get ___."

• Don't put a TV or telephone in your child's own room. If you do, you will surely see them less and argue more! The preteen/teen years are times when you need to be with your child more.

• Get to know the parents of your child's friends. Meet with them and discuss shared expectations when the kids visit each other.

• Manage your own peer pressure! Avoid letting the latest trends rule your buying habits. Don't over-schedule yourself because you can't say "no" to others. Know that the "do as I say, not as I do" approach to parenting will fail.

• Watch less TV and monitor what your kids watch. Just as you wouldn't let your child eat junk food constantly, don't allow junk to go into their minds. Set a rule about quantity and quality of TV and consistently follow through.

Teens must be taught how subtle peer pressure can be. It can sound nice and friendly when someone says, "We won't get caught. It'll be fun and everyone is going to be there." Teens must be taught to think logically, rather than emotionally, when with friends. And, of course, most important is to teach them what they can say or do to comfortably manage negative peer pressure. And it's got to be more than just teaching them to just say "no" or walk away. Those two techniques are the least likely way that kids will feel okay and be effective in managing the trouble traps. Kids can be taught to joke their way out of trouble, including suggesting a better idea, using flattery, making a true excuse, and learning to return the challenge when dared.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

If she does have some measure of a borderline personality disorder, I can still apply all the parenting techniques in your e-book, correct?

HI Mark,

Thank you so much for your answer. I did tell my daughter that I would be truthful from the beginning. I guess I'm fearful at times because of her psychiatric diagnosis. She is what Dr. Greene calls inflexible-explosive, plus Adhd and mood issues. I questioned the counselors to see if there is any evidence of personality disorder. They seem not to think so, but I'm not so sure. She has been tested by a neuro-psych doctor. But nothing more came of it except for a 504 accomodation plan, which was very much needed. If she does have some measure of a borderline personality disorder, I can still apply all the parenting techniques in your e-book, correct? She is intensely self-centered and doesn't seem to "get it". I know self-centeredness is common in teens but with her it is much more so, also, she is nice to everyone except family members.

I took the test and I failed with flying colors! The result was I was a severely indulgent parent, which surprised me because I didn't see myself that way. How blinded I became thru this difficulty.

You know, when we as parents are trying to raise difficult kids...we give in to them at times to reduce the stress and chaos on the family, but in the end it all comes back to bite us.

Thank you once again for all you are doing for so many hurting families. You are realigning us and teaching us to walk straight and not waiver so we can reach the end of this difficult path.

Best regards,

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: If she does have some measure of a borderline personality disorder, I can still apply all the parenting techniques in your e-book, correct?

Absolutely …Borderline Personality is just the adult, female version of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. CLICK HERE for one of my Podcasts on the subject (sorry for the poor video/audio quality).

Keep in mind that BPD and ODD and just labels for a particular pattern of behavior. Labels don't make kids "bad" – labels simply help us in the "helping professions" to narrow-down a range of treatment options.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Son with ADHD, ODD & PDD

It's been awhile since my first e-mail. I've been trying to follow your information in your manual. Have started to reread the book to refresh myself with some of the instructions on how to control my son. He has still not gotten the picture that he has a problem that needs to be addressed, and worked on. He believes that everyone else is the problem and that no matter what he tries he is wrong. He'll take no advice or be willing to even learn from his own mistakes, which hurt him and then he complains that no one understands him, and won't help.

My son is now 20 (21 november) he was/ is diagnosed with adhd ODD pdd. now refusing to take his meds. his own research shows side effects, this scares him, thats why he refuses.

Question? thru your many studies and other parents that you have talked to, have you ever found that a child has over the years developed a symptom of paranoia, with anxiety attacks. and has become a habitual liar? he now breaks out with the terrible sweats, and is afraid that someone will break into our house and steal his Xbox games and systems, and the temperature needs to be at 60 degrees in the house. I'm not rich and can't afford the electric bill I just got, $375.00 for one month.

I’m going to be in touch with the U of PA. hospital Philadelphia Pa for reevaluation of his disorders as something drastic has change. It's also unfortunate that we had to loose our previous services because of an insurance change at work, they don't accept this insurance now, and we temporarily lost our medical assistance for his disability do to some paper work foul up that was recently resolved in court.

Can you make any suggestions as to what we might ask the hospital to be looking for? tests, blood work, brain scans etc. any thing will help. what type of assisted living facilities might be good for him so that he is not totally dependent on us, as it is really taking a toll on the wife and I. I just cancelled my vacation plans because he refused to stay at another family members home so that he could go to his part time job while we were away.

Thanks

L.

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Hi L.,

Albeit limited, the info you have provided suggests that your son may have Agoraphobia or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I would definitely look into these two diagnoses as a possibility.

Unfortunately, this may be a classic example of what happens to a child after years of over-indulgence. Your son will be 20-years-old, and he still lives at home playing Xbox. He does not have a clue about how to survive as an adult out in the real world.

Children with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) do have difficulty using and understanding language …difficulty relating to people, objects, and events …difficulty with changes in routine or familiar surroundings …and they exhibit unusual play with toys and other objects. So they are not easy children to parent – I understand this.

In any event, there is no known cure for PDD. Medications are used to address certain behavioral problems. If he is not willing to take his meds – and you go along with this – then you are employing an over-indulgent parenting style.

Begin helping him to help himself. This should be the first course of action. Hold him accountable for not taking his meds. Not taking meds needs a consequence -- and perhaps a serious one at that (e.g., him living elsewhere).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Mark,

I will be looking into the additional diagnoses, which I already suspected but was told by therapist and other professionals? in the field he did not have these.

Over indulgence has not taken place with L___, as he was growing up just the opposite was happening things were not just given to him he had to earn them, or points to get privileges because of his bad temper bad behavior and not wanting to do anything that was asked of him, help with the cleaning, help make the beds help take out the trash, help, help, help, his answer was always NO. it's not my job!

He was diagnosed with PDD but as you explain it he shows no sign of these things. I think the professionals? put this on his charts as they could not come up with a better diagnoses.

As for meds they are out on the table for him to take, when i come home he hasn't taken them, then i try for hrs to have him take them. and then he gets mad enough that he starts to verbally threaten, I stop ...consequences lead to house destruction.

I know that the meds he is now taking do not help very much maybe 10%, he's been on so many over the years and nothing has really helped, some have just done the opposite made him worse. Professionals?

Yes I think you can here in my voice that even the system that he has been in, with hospital stays (4) counselors, therapist, behavior specialist, and I can go on, have not been much help with him or with us as a family trying very hard to stay together. wife, daughter (16) myself and L___. One DR. even told me in all the years of his practice (20) he has never seen someone like L___. I told him to do a case study and write a book on Larry.

Today my wife had enough and thought there was going to be a fight between me and L___, and went to her sisters, for the weekend. all because I refused to take L___ out for chinese food after I said I would, but he did something that he was not supposed to and had to pay the consequence and not be taken. Vulgar remarks and calling me slanderous names. which he was repeatedly told not to do the night before, that night he did it again, he must have called me at work 6 times asking if we were still going. now he says will I take him tomorrow, even though he is still calling me names, and cursing.

Myself I'm starting to break down, I'm ready to take him to the hospital and let them make the decisions, as to how to best treat him, away from the home. this is very upsetting to me as I've been the biggest advocate to get the best services for him and treatment. but I know all that will happen is word treatment.
what to do, what to do?

L.

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Hello again L.,

Re: what to do?

The first thing to do is to find a GOOD psychiatrist and have him/her do a Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation in order to come up with a proper diagnosis.

I'm very puzzled here. You say that over-indulgence has not taken place with your son, yet as you describe his behavior, he sounds exactly like an over-indulged child.

Either you are in a state of denial about this -- or I'm missing something.

Very confused,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Boarding school for my “out of control” teen...

Can you recommend a quality boarding school for my “out of control” teen daughter who will be 17 this October. She is has been diagnosed ADD/ADHD and ODD.

Part of the problem is she does not want to help herself.

Thank you for any help you can provide.

Bob

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La Lumiere School is probably the only one I can feel good about recommending.

The address is: 6801 North Wilhelm Road, La Porte, IN 46350

Phone: 219-326-7450

Their website: http://www.lalumiere.org/

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Should I tell the probation officer?

Hi Mr. Hutten,

Just wanted to let you know how appreciative my husband and I are for your website. We are a committed christian family that is dealing with a 15 yr. old ADHD daughter with oppositionality. I am in the process of reading your ebook. You won't be surprised to hear that for the past 2 years she has been to a pychiatrist and counselors to deal with her challenges and anger - she can sometimes be explosive. These behaviors manifested as a toddler and she was a difficult baby. We have 3 others kids who don't struggle with these challenges although the pain, heartache and despair we at times experience as parents does not go unnoticed by the other three.

A few months back my daughter hit me after being put on concerta, which made her very irritable. It is no excuse, but I called the cops and they "arrested" her. I called her doctor and we took her off the meds. We went to court, she was put on probation and comm. service.

Inside this kid has christian convictions and stands up for what she believes. She lies alot but I do believe that shes not on drugs, drinking or having sex which she yells at us about and thinks she is a good kid because of it. OK, but its her behavior...and she just doesn't get it. Her disrespect is thru the roof, etc. Recently, I went on her IM log and found out she decieved me by saying she was sleeping at her friends house...I said I need to talk to the parent to confirm...so she has her friend's parent call me, which in reality was one of her guy friends posing as a father. She had been to a all-nite party …we later found out thru the log. My question is should I tell the probation officer?

She also told us she was going to bed early one nite, which was strange so I went up an hour later only to find she snuck out and stuffed her bed. Someone said "what kid hasn't done that.” Needless to say we punished her. Texting on the phone, Facebook and some social life has been taken away....My main goal for her is to learn and succeed, do need to tell her probation officer the whole thing? I worried about what will happen. She has been trying harder in other ways. she is seeing her counselor regularly. I don't want to "crush" her if you know what I mean. She doesn't hang out with bad kids. (You wouldn't believe all the friends she has for an ADHDer) all her friends come from good families. No one knows she is on probation or anything else (not even her grandparents who we are really close to because it would devastate them.)

I apologize for the length of this email. It is difficult because you cannot talk to other parents about these things, and I needed to tell you. Thanks again for your website, I am going thru it with a fine-toothed comb! It is a God-send.

Regards,

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: My question is should I tell the probation officer?

Absolutely! You want to (a) model the truth and (b) hold her accountable. Just report it – and tell your daughter that you will always have a commitment to the truth. This is a relatively minor problem – and I’m sure her PO will see it that way too.

Re: I don't want to "crush" her if you know what I mean.

I have to be honest with you here. This statement sounds like one that would come from an indulgent parent. Be careful “feeling sorry” for your child. This will work against both you and her. You don’t do your daughter any favors by trying to save her from uncomfortable emotions associated with her poor choices.

No half measures,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have the feeling that the reason he wants to stay out is so that he can get stoned on pot ...

Hi Mark

My husband and I started watching the videos and read the ebook. My son left me a note saying that he would be home at 12:30 a.m. tonight Curfew is 12:00 I did the 4 step in the fighting fairly with him when I called his cell phone. He asked if he could stay the night and I went through the steps. Then he said well tomorrow I am going to stay at someone's house, I don't know who's yet. I said we would talk later about this. I have the feeling that the reason he wants to stay out is so that he can get stoned on pot and not have to come home and for me to rag him out about this. Last week he was at friends all week when we were on holidays, after he told our friends that he didn't want to stay at their home. My friend J__ said that her son M__ told C___ the first day the hey if you had a couple of beers not a problem with my mom just do not come home falling down drunk but do not come in the house stoned and she feels that is why he took off from her place and went and stayed and someone else's house. Some of these parents have no clue that the kids in this group of friends are smoking up in the backyard or at the neighbourhood playground at night and then they come in and go to the basement and crash.

What do I do now with this sleep over issue, when he says this week he is staying at someone's home. Alot of the friends are working full time and some of them have told me that they are distancing themselves from him because of what he is into and that he is becoming aggressive but there are others that would let him stay.

What is the plan?

Thanks for your help.

A.

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Hi A.,

You will want to use the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [Session #3 - Week #3]. But I would discourage you from leaping ahead and working out of sequence.

Also, be sure to look at the section entitled "Read these Emails from Exasperated Parents" [Session #4]. Alcohol & drug abuse is addressed in that section.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Do you think a camp would help?

I just ordered your OPS e-book and have been going over it. Our 17 YO son is very rebellious and demanding. He is very materialistic but is not motivated to work for his "stuff". We have tried many techniques but haven't found any that work. We are indulgent parents and he fits your model. We will implement your techniques but feel more may be needed and we were thinking about a camp. We think the separation from us may be helpful and will open his eyes. Today is his birthday and we have yet to come up with a plan because of his behavior yesterday when he told my wife to shut up when she made him get off the computer and refused to give him more free time because he did not do his small chores. Do you think a camp would help?

He was diagnosed as ADHD by an Army doctor, but a later analysis by a psychologist revealed he only had a motivation problem. He gets in a lot of trouble at school to include smoking and hanging out with the wrong crowd. We have had to limit his music listening because it sounds very violent. I am rambling so will sign off but interested in your view. We will order the CDs to listen to while driving.

Sincerely,

C.,

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Hi C.,

Re: Do you think a camp would help?

I don’t think it would hurt. But sending a child to camp is just another traditional parenting strategy that will have very little bang for your buck.

Re: He was diagnosed as ADHD by an Army doctor, but a later analysis by a psychologist revealed he only had a motivation problem.

This is just 2 different names for the same problem (i.e., your son is only motivated to do that which he has an interest in).

I would encourage you to simply work the program for now – one week at a time – and nothing more. Then see how things are going in about 3 – 4 weeks.

I know you want a break FROM your son, but now you have the tools you need to set up a better parent-child relationship such that you won’t need a time-out away from him.

Mark

P.S. ==> BE SURE to watch ALL the Instructional Videos!!!

My Out-of-Control Teen

I don't feel I can take away her car or gas money as then she could not go to school or look for work....

I am a single parent of a 16 yr old girl. I had to quit my job or move last year. I quit my job and began working out of town often last year.

My daughter dropped out of high school (she was in AP) and just took the high school proficiency because she wants to go directly to college. Part of the agreement was that she would go out and get a job to pay for her gas and incidentals. She says she is looking for a job, but she hasn't put in any applications. We live out of town, and she has a college summer school class 4 nights a week. I don't feel I can take away her car or gas money as then she could not go to school or look for work. Any suggestions?

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She should “earn” gas money and money for incidentals by performing chores around the house if she can’t – or won’t – find employment at a place of business. “Earning” her gas money and freedom is the larger issue here.

Now she can have a choice, work at home – or work out of the home, but it should be one or the other. Otherwise, you are back to over-indulgence again.

Mark

Online Parent Support

RE: "He did not come home last night..."

Hi C.,

`````I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

Thanks for all your help and insights. I have finished reading the ebook and finished through session three of the online course work. Our son, I___, turned 18 yesterday and will be a senior in August. I___ came home yesterday afternoon (after being gone since Friday afternoon) looking for money or birthday presents from family members (grandparents, aunts, etc).

`````Sounds like what an over-indulged kid would do.

I used the "poker face" strategy and listened to him during what amounted to a temper tantrum. After he yelled, cussed and threw things, he left the house. He called me three hours later and was extremely apologetic, telling me he loved me, missed me, etc. While he was home, I calmly told him that when he was out past curfew or did not come home at all, it caused a problem for me, because I couldn't sleep well and if he wanted to continue to live at home with the benefits we provide (use of a car, use of a phone, a roof over his head, food, clothing, paid college) he would need to come home each night by curfew. He reminded me that curfew no longer applied to him (since he's 18) and I responded that it was a condition of his living at home, not a law. 

==> Join Online Parent Support   

 

`````This was right on track – good job!

He asked for money and I gave him $5 tying the money to the chores he did Friday --cleaning his room, mowing the yard and doing laundry. I emphasized the importance of earning money to become self reliant. He came home around 6 p.m. to "see me" and said he would be home last night by 1 a.m. and would like to have a birthday dinner tonight. He did not come home last night.

I really want to do this right ("no half measures"), and would appreciate some guidance from you. A couple of questions.....1) if he comes home tonight, what is the appropriate discipline for not coming home last night?

`````Let’s stop right here! Please don’t get upset with me. I’m sure you want the truth though:

You will never win in this cat-and-mouse game. Why? Because he is no longer living in your home regularly – and he is managing financially, at some level, without you.

I think the game is over. Save you precious time and energy for other things. You may be beyond “discipline” with him.

The recommendation is not about what is an appropriate discipline – rather it is about helping him move out – permanently …helping him find a job and get his own place.

2) should I emphasize coming home at night and tackle the time he comes home after he starts coming home or should I link the two enforcing the need to be home at a certain time ie 11pm during the week?

`````I want to help you break through some possible denial on your part. He will come and go as he damn well pleases. Whenever he doesn’t like a particular rule – he’s gone again. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad kid – he just an adult now.

3) what should be next steps if he doesn't come home tonight? 4) We are going out of home for the 4th of July and would like him to come with us. Our older daughter (20) will be staying at home because she works. What strategies can we use to get him to come with us? I don't want him at home if he doesn't come with us because I'm concerned he will have parties. How do I keep him out if he wants in?

`````Change the locks. It’s not that expensive or time consuming to do.

Last month we told him he had to stay with a friend if he didn't come with us and he stayed at the friend's for a few hours, then went home and borrowed an extension ladder from a neighbor and went in through an upstairs window tripping the alarm. The police came and he showed them his driver's license and they let him in the house. 5) We live in Fishers. Is the Madison County parents program open to non-county residents?

`````Yes.

The strategies I was able to use yesterday were very effective. I___ changed his approach dramatically in just a few hours, although very short lived. I want to be sure I get the next steps right to ensure the most positive outcome possible. I really appreciate your help. After years of counseling, this approach has the potential to be much more effective long term.

`````I’ve been kind of tough on you here, but I want to give you the best possible recommendation.

Bottom line: He needs to find another place to live. Use the strategies when he comes to visit.

Shift from “what can I do to keep my son” …to “what can I do to help him be independent.”

I’m interested in your feedback on my recommendations,

Mark

==> Join Online Parent Support 

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Hi Mark,

You asked for feedback on your recommendations....my first reaction was sadness. Sadness for my son and the difficult life he has ahead of him and sadness that, although I put a lot of effort into parenting, my approach did not work, and I didn't get it figured out until too late in the game.

I agree with your recommendation that I have to move from "discipline" to helping him become independent. I will work with him to either follow the household rules or find another place to live. I'm at a point where I truly am comfortable with either solution. If he is going to be disruptive at home, I would prefer he leave. The irony is that he can sense that I am sincere about forcing him to find alternative living arrangements, and he has become more compliant in response.

Thanks for your insights. The course is extremely helpful because it is so specific, outlining exactly what needs to be said and what actions need to be taken. I wish I had discovered it years ago.

Kind regards,

C.

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Hi C.,

Thank you for having an open spirit to the change process.

Your statement "I'm at a point where I truly am comfortable with either solution" ...tells me that you are nearing the point of acceptance in the grief process AND "letting go" of some emotional baggage. This is a good thing.

You are working the program -- great job. There will be a reward at the end of the tunnel in some shape, form or fashion.

Mark

I feel abandoned by my husband and am embarrassed by my son's behavior...

The Kid is just starting on High Risk diversion (county program) for multiple unruly filings and escalating behavior over the past 9 months. No drugs (multiple clean tests), no physicial violence, worst "community" crimes are curfew violations (regularly) and a couple of fights (rarely - last >1 year ago). Our major problems with him have been school (passed all classes this semester, at last, but with HUGE support from the school), outright refusal to follow house rules/parental edicts, and "loud and hurtful language" coupled with intimidating behavior (punching walls, slamming doors, blocking path) at the most minor of provocations (ie, the word "No.") In the past eight weeks he's progressed to staying out all night or two, (three occasions). And has stolen money from my husband's car the first two times (~5 bucks or so each time).

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Franco is now rebelling because he feels he is being punished...

re: My two stepsons share a basement bedroom. Franco, the 17 year old, takes on the hero role and rarely breaks rules. Anthony, the 15 year old, takes on the scapegoat role and is constantly breaking rules. We grounded Anthony and took away cable TV in the basement. Franco is now rebelling because he feels he is being punished. What should we do?

==> Ground Anthony FROM the basement. In other words, have him stay IN the house, but OUT of the basement (except to sleep at night in his bed).

Franco feels sorry for Anthony when we ground him and has encouraged and helped his brother to get out of the house. Should Franco be disciplined for that? If so how?

==> Yes. Use the 1- to 3-day-discipline outlined in Session #3 entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid.”

My stepsons' mother often finds excuses to take Anthony when we ground him because she feels sorry for him. Should we restart his grounding when he comes back?

==> No. But he should not be able to leave to be with his biological mother until he has completed the 1- to 3-day discipline. If his mother refuses to go along with this plan, then – yes – you restart the grounding when he returns.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Join Online Parent Support

Has she earned the CD or is it a bit of a free handout...

Hi Mark!

Just a question about rewards-the school counsellor started A___ on a star chart a few weeks ago (before we joined OPS) and I was wondering what to do about it. We've sort of kept it going-she gets a star for good behavior and there is a list of rewards after each 10 stars (ie) a friend to play after 10stars, dinner out after 20, a new CD after 50 etc etc...We are up to 50 stars now after giving her a star for going to bed without a fuss and not getting up a million times-she has done this all week and she got a star last night. But she wants a new CD and is taking the list of rewards as gospel-I can't seem to change them around. So, has she earned the CD or is it a bit of a free handout or should we phase out the chart? Just not sure of what to do....

Generally her behavior this week isn't as bad as the last few weeks and we feel we are making a tiny bit of progress every now and again so thanks

Regards,

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: So, has she earned the CD or is it a bit of a free handout or should we phase out the chart?

We typically don't reward "good behavior" with extra stuff and freedom, rather we simply give acknowledgment and praise. But...

We also do not want to fix things that are not broken. Thus, if this system is working, I wouldn't change it.

When you are undecided about what course to take, ask yourself, "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my child -- or will it inhibit such development?"

If it will likely foster the development of self-reliance, then it is a good course of action to take. Otherwise, you should re-evaluate.

Mark

Give him a call ...see if he can help you.....

I am seriously going to sign up for your online course, however I have a question> My two teenage kids are always around me. Will it be bad to do this in front of them because I was listening to one of your demo speech and they had comments about it ...said oh yeah mom, give him a call ...see if he can help you. My answer was I intend to something has to help. I need your opinion on this. I rarely have moments without them around. Thank you and I am hopeful with you and prayer. Something good has to come out of it. Thanks again, J.

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Hi J.,

It would be best that your children not see or hear what you will be doing -- otherwise it will be like showing them your poker hand in a game of poker.

My suggestion is to get a set of headphones that plug into your computer so that when you are watching the Instructional Videos, your kids can't hear the audio.

Also, you can print out a hard copy of the eBook and keep it out of sight.

Mark

I feel like I am in the middle of a Tornado...

So basically the situation is very uncomfortable and I am unsure about how I am going to fully implement the new boundaries etc when we have to attend to the needs of the business and to hers when we stay away from the home base for periods of time.. We are just about to move shop premises starting July 1st and so we will be staying down there with the small children from tomorrow for three weeks of the school holidays to get the job done...I have told her already the other day that I am not happy for her to be at home unsupervised for long periods and that she will have to come and stay with us for at least Mon-thurs and that she can be up the hill at home on the weekends to see her friends etc…She of course balked at that but has not yet refused as I have yet to implement it….. MORE

He tries to control & dominate his family, peers and school staff...

Dear Mark, for the past couple of years I have been working with JR, as i will refer to him for reasons of confidentiality. I am after some advice as the child is facing exclusion from school due to a catalogue of offences against his peers and staff. He is following dinosaur school programme run by our behaviour services. He can, although he is only 6yrs of age, tell you about all the solutions, problem solving techniques he has learned, although refuses to put into practice. He tries to control & dominate his family, peers and school staff. A simple outing can be a nightmare, he will stop dead in his tracks and hold every-one up refusing to board the bus etc I have tried traffic lights, smiley face book, etc. the list is endless. I have given him instructions to work, if he refuses he gets count of three, instructions repeated then behaviour ignored, this seems to work and he is very bright and has amazing concentration levels and an excellent work rate, but the overwhelming desire to be 'first' to do anything,from line up which i have stopped him doing because he pushes people out of the way, to trying to beat every-one at all cost at snakes & ladders. I play football & shoot baskets with him using a small group of kids who are still willing to play with us. His humour is rude, anything to do with poop, buts,burps gross table manners, which he also has, he finds funny he loves to see a look of disgust as he eats nose contents in front of staff. Time out given he says 'don't care'. we try to reason with him he says 'blah blah. Missed play' time says not bothered, does his time without remorse. I seem to be his only friend, i tried to buddy him up with another bright little boy but he tried to dominate him and stabbed him in the hand with a pencil, needless to say we abandoned that strategy. It is so frustrating as he is so bright and could be a real little star but he just cannot seem to cope with school life, we tried one to one in the after school club but it was too intense as i had to be that step ahead of him all day long avoiding total domination at all times! Any advice on this matter would be truly welcome.

your sincerely, Jane, warn-out support worker!!

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These behavior problems could be the result of many different factors (e.g., genetic & environmental). At first glance, you described a child who (a) is on the receiving end of poor/negative parenting (e.g., a parent who is extremely critical and judgmental), and (b) has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD.

Has he had a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation yet? If not, this would be an important first step. (I would do some testing to rule out Bipolar Disorder.)

My experience with these children (i.e., children with severely disruptive behavior patterns) is that they eventually misbehave to the point where the parent has to place them in a residential treatment facility for a period of a year or more. Sometimes the best thing for these kids is to be away from their parents for awhile.

Mark

ODD vs. PD

What is the difference between Oppositional Defiant Disorder and a Personality Disorder?



Mark Hutten, M.A.

Stepfathers are often viewed as "second-class citizens"...

Hi Mark... Thanks for the link worked perfectly...with regard the first set of assignments i am struggling a fair bit mentally with applying the Love one.. My Husband is L____'s step father and has struggled with her a great deal from the start of our 8year marriage but more especially the last two years, she is 16... she has HUGE issues around him and for him to start saying he loved her EVERY nite would seem almost mission impossible, from him and she would find it very odd to say the least...even I am finding the whole thing confronting but can give it a good shot... I noticed on the side column of that page u said that it was OK to not say it every nite... What do you think...?? I am assuming that D___ needs to implement all the approaches just as much as I do for the picture to change??

Thanks So much...

Regards B.

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Hi B.,

Unfortunately, stepfathers are often viewed as "second-class citizens" in the eyes of many stepchildren.

The statement "I love you daughter" will have more meaning coming from you rather than her stepfather. However, D___ could occasionally offer a sincere compliment to your daughter that will have a near-equal effect.

In any event, I think it will be O.K. for your husband not to say "I love you" if it will seem awkward and out-of-character for him.

Mark

Online Parent Support