ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Your adult child just graduated from college. He isn’t sure he knows what to do, and he is asking you for money every few weeks. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent?  Here are some tips to help your adult child be more independent: Be There— While I am not recommending that you are there with open wallet any time your adult child has a financial crisis, you can and need to be there to listen and offer advice where it is required. Helping your adult child out by listening and providing emotional support is just as important and better for them in the long run. Remember back to your own early days out on your own. It may have been hard, you may have “borrowed” an awful lot shampoo from your roommate, but you survived it, and your adult child will too. Gone, but Not Gone— What about the adult child who IS out on her own, but is still relying on mom and dad for financial assistance? Perhaps the job doesn’t pay enough for rent, utilities, ca...

Five days ago I found several receipts where my 17 yo daughter (will be 18 in 3 mos.) has used my debit card to take money from our bank account. I also found a check where she forged my husband’s name. She admitted to it. We told her we were either going to send her away to get help for this and all the other problems she is involved in OR that we were going to file charges against her. She emailed us after the confrontation (where we both remained poker faced). She begged not to be sent away, acknowledged that she needed to changed, and took verbal responsibility for her actions and apologized for blaming us for her behavior. Yeah, very heartwarming, but as you say, and as I already know: THEY LIE. Now my husband has changed his mind and does not want to follow thru with filing charges. He does not want to get involved in the "system". My heart does not want to put her thru the ordeal of filing charges etc., but my intellect says she must face the consequences...

Question 1:     In what way do parenting and parent-child relationships differ from late childhood (age 10-11 years) through mid-adolescence (15 years)? Although moms are less involved in kid's school activity as they grow older, kids feel their parents continue to provide school support in other ways. Moms & dads of older kids do not report different parenting practices than parents of younger kids. Nonetheless, as they grow older, kids feel the quality of their relationship with parents declines. Older kids report that their moms & dads understand them less and that they argue with parents significantly more. Older kids feel their moms & dads are less warm and more rejecting, and feel less at ease confiding in their moms and their dads than younger kids.   Question 2:   How do child adjustment and social relationships change over this period? Age changes in social relationships were consistent across the two samples. Smoking, alcohol use and af...

“Strong-willed, out-of-control children will rehabilitate themselves when they are ready, and not a minute sooner. They will change their behavior when – and only when – they choose to. The job of parents is not to get children to obey. It is to simply teach them that responsible behavior results in one sort of consequence while irresponsible behavior results in quite another. Oppositional, defiant kids refuse to accept this fundamental reality until they are forced to experience a significant degree of discomfort related to their poor choices. Discomfort comes from parents’ implementation of tough love – and unfortunately, tough love is often tougher on the parent than the child, especially if the parent has adopted an over-indulgent parenting style over the years.”  My Out-of-Control Teen

Wish your teen would listen to you? Are you at your wit’s end!? Let Online Parent Support help you to end your frustration and start to build a mutually supportive and respectful relationship with your teenager - and still be in charge. Discover: How to diffuse an especially explosive situation through humor, flexibility, and the ability to think outside the box How to get your teen to communicate with you again, even if all he ever says anymore is "Nothing" How to manage hot points such as clothes, driving, Internet, and other topics How to understand the way your teenager perceives the world What you should never say to your teen Why your teenager needs you more than ever - even if he acts otherwise - find out more Do you need help with specific teenage issues? Issues like letting your teen know you care? Or monitoring their activities without breaking their trust? Or perhaps even stronger issues like alcohol, drugs, or “the wrong crowd”? Then Online Pa...

"You talk about discipline is better than punishment. What’s the difference?" Here are some characteristics and results of using a “punishment-based” parenting style (rather than “discipline-based”): Children learn that they better not get caught when misbehaving, and if they don’t get caught there will be no punishment. Children who are usually punished have a hard time trusting. They may react with anger and isolate themselves from their parents. Consequences are inconsistent and unpredictable. As a child, my wife was never sure if she would get into trouble for a certain behavior. As a result, she took the risk, because in her words, she had a 50-50 chance of getting away with it. When she was caught, the punishment was often severe - or not enforced at all. A week grounding usually only lasted two days before her parents forget or grew tired of her being around the house and sent her off to play. In punishment-based parenting, few words of explanation are giv...

Depression is very damaging when left untreated, so don’t wait and hope that the symptoms will go away. Even if you’re unsure that depression is the issue, the troublesome behaviors and emotions you’re seeing in your adolescent are signs of a problem. Whether or not that problem turns out to be depression, it still needs to be addressed—the sooner the better. The first thing you should do if you suspect depression is to talk to your adolescent about it. In a loving and non-judgmental way, share your concerns with your adolescent. Let her know what specific signs of depression you’ve noticed and why they worry you. Then encourage your child to open up about what she is going through. Here are some very specific steps to follow: • Avoid the blame game. It can be easy to blame yourself or another family member for your adolescent’s depression, but it only adds to an already stressful situation. Furthermore, depression is normally caused by a number of factors, so it’s unli...

"Help, my son is 2, he has been head banging since he was 1,we first tried to associate it with his teething, and earaches, after he got tubes he started doing better, but the past 2weeks have been horrible, we go into the bank and he bangs his head on the glass door until I’m scared it’ll break, we go to the grocery store and he bangs his mouth on the buggy until he busts his lip, he’s got a fat lip and a huge knot on the side of his head from just today, I’m very worried, he’s is also very under-active and he lays around most of the day." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My firstborn son would bang his head quite often and not just during a tantrum. When he was tired he would sit on the couch and bang his head against the back of the couch in a rocking motion. I became concerned and spoke with the doctor. He told me it was just a nervous habit and there was nothing to worry about. He also told me that my son would grow out of it. Well he didn't, at least not comp...

"My 15 year old daughter seems addicted to sugar. Her terrible diet is affecting her in a very bad way...mood swings, very poor concentration, etc." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ideas to stop sugar cravings— Here are some tips for your daughter that will help curb her appetite for sugary foods: Always eat a good, hearty breakfast! Do not think that skipping breakfast will make you lose weight! In fact, eating breakfast kick-starts your metabolism which leads to more weight loss. Breakfast will also help you to concentrate and eat less throughout the day. Check food labels. Eat foods that are low in calories (anything below 200 is good) and carbohydrates. Although carbohydrates can help you think better - and they fuel the nervous system and power fat metabolism. Avoid saturated and trans fat (which leads to weight gain). Eat foods that have vitamins and minerals in them. Protein, fiber, and iron are all good for you. If you can't read an ingredient or if y...

ODD is a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures. This disorder is more common in males than in females. Some studies have shown that it affects 20% of school-age kids. However, most experts believe this figure is high due to changing definitions of normal childhood behavior, and possible racial, cultural, and gender biases. This behavior typically starts by age 8, but it may start as early as the preschool years. This disorder is thought to be caused by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors. Symptoms include: • Touchy or easily annoyed • Spiteful or seeks revenge • Loses temper • Is in constant trouble in school • Has few or no friends or has lost friends • Blames others for own mistakes • Argues with adults • Angry and resentful of others • Actively does not follow adults' requests To fit this diagnosis, the pattern must last for at least 6 months and must be more than normal childhood misbehavior. The...

"Our 14 year old keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night. We've screwed the windows shut, called police. She says she sorry...but she can't be that sorry if she keeps doing it. What is the best way to handle this? We've told her it is a safety issue more than anything else." Click here for my response... ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

"What is done in a case where my teenage son (16 years old) will not get out of bed for either school or work without a huge fight everyday?" Click here for my response... ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

"What are your thoughts on testing a teen suspected of using drugs through the use of a home drug-testing kit that can be purchased online?" Click here for my response... ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Hi Mark, I continue to have struggles with my 17 year old. She has not gone to school for this past semester as she was supposed to be taking her classes by correspondence. Unless I stood over and watched her do the courses, she wouldn't do them. I wasn't about to do that as she needs to learn to be responsible. So, needless to say, she is now behind 3 classes in order to graduate next year. She is going to register for regular school for September as this other method does not work for her. She is not motivated at all. My one big problem with her is that she will not get out of bed in the morning. She has a part-time job that she is supposed to be at 3 days a week. She maybe goes to it 2 times a week if lucky because she just won't get out of bed. She calls in sick so she can sleep in. She will end up losing this job soon. I know she will be exactly the same way once school starts again. She refuses to get out of bed. Then when she does, she thinks s...

RE: "My child is aggressive. How can I prevent this type of behavior?" The best way to prevent aggressive behavior is to give your youngster a stable, secure home life with firm, loving discipline and full-time supervision during the toddler and preschool years. Everyone who cares for your youngster should be a good role model and agree on the rules he’s expected to observe as well as the response to use if he disobeys. Whenever he breaks an important rule, he should be reprimanded immediately so that he understands exactly what he’s done wrong. Kids don’t know the rules of the house until they’re taught them, so that is one of your important parenting responsibilities. Toddlers are normally interested in touching and exploring, so if there are valuables you don’t want them to handle, hide or remove them. Consider setting up a separate portion of your home where he can play with books and toys. For discipline to be most effective, it should take place on an ongoin...

We are into week 2 of what is supposed to have been a 3 day grounding with my 16 year old. He is still skipping school regularly and although he is generally pleasant enough when he is home, he is non-compliant with his grounding. We have taken away his cell phone, i-pod, computer time and tv. He just simply goes out whenever he wants and stays out as late as he wants to. The only thing that he currently does as a privilege is when he gets home he takes food to his room to eat. He is 6'3" and there is no way of taking away this privilege without a physical conflict, so we don't know what else to do except to try and wait out his defiance until he complies with grounding. If you have a specific suggestion in this regard it would be appreciated. It seems to us that the point of your program is to decrease the intensity of the interactions with him, so again, we are searching for ways to reduce this privilege without a physical interaction. Also, on June 22 he is g...

My 17 year old has some issues with authority and is considered selfish. If he does good in school he should be able to spend the night out (both Fri/Sat). The group he hangs with is a little older and has parents that allow their house to be the local hangout (stays up till 3-5). I plan to sit down tonight with a list of consequences - no car 1 week, no phone 2 weeks, no allowance, etc., and am considering an intervention using some friends and family. What can you suggest? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lot of 17-year-olds think they're grown up enough to set their own rules and to do such things as stay out all night. When you talk with him, emphasize that while his friends may have parents who think it's okay for them to stay out all night, that's not true in your family. In your family, you take your duties as parents seriously, and you believe it is your obligation to know where your child is, what he is doing, and that he is going to be safe in the hous...

Hi Mark. Thanks so much for the parenting material, it has given my wife and I some positive direction in parenting our oppositional 10 year old boy. He ticks nearly all the boxes for ODD and in addition to working your program, we are endeavoring to have him see a child psychologist. However he is reluctant to go and when he does go he pretends everything is okay, insisting that he can control himself. The reason I am writing to you is that he has become increasingly violent, particularly towards my wife, often punching and kicking her with force. Should I be physically restraining him? This seems to increase his violence and up the level of his tantrum. I'm trying to stay poker-faced but still feel I need to do something to protect my wife and our children. I have taken our boy to the police after a recent violent episode, mainly for scare tactics, but they seemed quite bemused by the fact I would bring him. I'm also wondering if there is some medical issue below the surf...

Mark, I'm the one that wrote you about my daughter running away. She is still missing and we keep hearing various chatter rumors from school that she is with this person or that person. Today I heard that she is with the original person she was with, which I've heard is dangerous! I also heard that they’re in downtown Reno jumping from hotel to hotel to not be detected. The police are not looking for her since she is a runaway – so they’re no help. I have to get all the leads and report them to the detective. I'm also working with the school police, which are also not much help! We've made posters and posted them everywhere, but in this one area, they are being taken down. I don't know if this is the lifestyle she wants or if she's being exploited. Her twin sister is very agitated everyday and wants to know if her sister is okay, but does not want her to come home because she says she's such a bitch. Mark, I know you can't do much from where you ...

"My question is how do you motivate your teenager to look for a job? He says he would like having a job and his own money, but feels like he doesn't stand a chance of actually getting a job ...he has kinda given up before even trying." Click here for the answer... ==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents with Defiant, Out-of-Control Teenagers

Parents often worry about their daughters having an older boyfriend. According to data from the Centers for Disease Control, it turns out they have good reason to be worried. Here's just one example: Kayla is 14. Her boyfriend is 18. Kayla says, "I have to admit, because I am dating an older guy, you know, I am very more open to alcohol, just because, I can ask him, 'Hey can you go to the store and buy me something?'" Kayla says another risk of dating an older guy might be getting pressured into having sex. She says, "I think a lot of guys especially in high school will go for younger girls just because they'll give it up, you know. They are willing to experiment, they are easier." New research shows one in four girls who have had sex say their first time was with a guy at least three years older. Kayla says, "When guys are older, girls will trust them: 'Oh, he knows what he's talking about. He has more experience....

"My son hits his head so hard and so often he has dark bruises on his forehead. He does this when he is frustrated, angry and anxious. What can I do to help him? He has told me he knows it's wrong but just can't stop. Please help me to help my son." Kids who are emotionally and physically healthy, as well as kids with developmental or sensory issues, may "head bang." It is thought that head banging is a self-soothing process that kids partake in, much like thumb sucking or an attachment to a blanket or toy. Kids that bang their heads have at some point found the rocking or rhythmic sensations calming, and an aid to sleep. Alternatively, some kids appear to bang their heads in an attempt to stimulate themselves or to bring pleasure. However, head banging may occur in combination with temper tantrums. While this may appear as if the youngster is trying to hurt himself or herself, it is usually the youngster’s way of trying to relieve stress. Young...

Temper Tantrums Pushed as a New Disorder Called “Temper Dysregulation Disorder” Severe outbursts grossly out of proportion to the situation, in the form of verbal rages or physical aggression, several times a week -- to moms and dads, these would seem the most common elements of childhood temper tantrums. They are also the proposed criteria for a new childhood mental disorder called Temper Dysregulation Disorder (TDD) with Dysphoria. TDD is being recommended for inclusion in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, a massive catalogue of brain dysfunction now undergoing its first major revision in 16 years. It is considered the psychiatrists' bible of mental disorders. If accepted, TDD could soon become as entrenched in our vernacular as ADD. TDD is being proposed as an alternative to the runaway diagnosis of childhood bipolar disorder. The number of kids being diagnosed with -- and medicated for -- bipolar disorder has shot up dr...

Alcohol, tobacco and illegal drug use among adolescents may have declined over the past decade, but at least one abuse risk is on the rise: the prescription pill bottle. That’s because more children are using painkillers, drugs for ADHA (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder), antidepressants, and tranquilizers and sleep aids to get high. One in five adolescents in grades 7 to 12 intentionally abused prescription drugs, according to a Partnership for a Drug-Free America study. Children assume pharmaceuticals are safe because they’re medicine. But prescription drugs can be just as addictive and deadly as street drugs and are easier to obtain. The top three ways teenagers report getting pills are through parents’ and friends’ medicine cabinets, someone else’ medications and online sites that don’t require a doctor’s prescription. Signs of abuse include extreme changes in behavior and a dramatic decline in grades. So be sure to limit access to medicines by disposing of drugs yo...

"My teenage son is not getting up on time for school due to being up most of the night texting his g-friend. Any advice?" Click here for my response... => My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My youngest daughter just turned 15 today. While having lunch with my older daughter, who is 23 and living outside of our home, she told us that our 15 year-old had confessed to her that she lost her virginity to a 20 year-old man who often goes to a library activity that she attends each Thursday. Her dad and I have not liked the library situation for a long time, but have continued to allow her to go (with an attempt to monitor her by having 1 of us there most of the time for the 3 hours that she's there) because older kids hang out around there plus there have been fights and other things that we have not liked. The reason we've continued to allow her to go is because she seems to love it so much. She's homeschooled, so she doesn't think she gets enough socialization and has gone out of her way to "fit in" with the other kids/young adults by giving up a lot of the stuff that she used to love, but will do just about anything to go each Thursday. ...

Hi Mark, Need some help… was scrolling through my son’s phone messages… he left his phone unlocked… I know it’s a breach of privacy, but see he has been smoking, not cigarettes, and he and friends arranging between themselves… not sure how to handle it and what to do say. If raise the issue - he will know I’ve been through his phone. If I ignore - he is getting away with it… am in a quandary. ~ A. Click here for my response... ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents