I am falling apart on the inside for this kid...

Dear Mark,

Parent: We have a question. We read your response to our questions about our daughter. You commented that it would be easy to support her even though she is living away from home. How do we do this? Emotional support?

>>>>>>>>>Yes ...I was referring to emotional support.

>>>>>>>>>>Please hear me here: You have more power than you are giving yourself credit for. If you will shift your focus (i.e., your attitude, belief, thoughts) from what is going wrong (i.e., daughter may not make it academically, may not make it in life, etc.) to what you trust will go right, then you will literally set something in motion that will yield the desired result.

>>>>>>>>>>This should be your mantra: "My daughter is more than capable ...she will do fine in whatever it is she decides to do ...she will be successful in a career ...she will be a good wife and mother ...she will continue to mature and grow and learn and develop wisdom.” YOU ARE PROGRAMMING HER FOR SUCCESS OR FAILURE.

Parent: Also we spoke about her long-term goals and to always have a plan B in place in case plan A fails to follow through. She is a skilled basketball player and would love to play university or college ball, but she seems to have a hard time keeping up the academics. She often over-fills her time with sports leaving little for the academics. She is at a point where these dreams are falling apart as well without upgrading some of her grade 12.

>>>>>>>>>>> This sounds terribly dramatic. Let her "dreams fall apart" -- you can't do anything about that anyway. She is not made of stale rice paper. She will not fall apart and crumble if her dream does not become a reality. If this happens, it will be a good thing, because she will develop emotional muscles that would never become developed otherwise.

Parent: Mark, as a mom I am falling apart on the inside for this kid. Is this normal for a mom to feel like this or do I need to seek professional help myself. If she is not around, I am often in tears. Perhaps I am too emotionally attached.

>>>>>>>> I think you hit the nail on the head ...you are overly invested, and the "feeling sorry for" ...and "worrying about" is not helping anybody -- especially yourself. I think it would be o.k. if you wanted to talk to a therapist about your stress, because that's what were talking about here. If you boil all this down to a root cause, it is stress. Thus, what can YOU do today to take care of YOU? Your daughter can take care of herself.

>>>>>>>>> Bottom line: If you think your daughter won't make it, then you're probably right. If you trust that you're daughter WILL make it, then you're probably right. Be careful how you think. The glass is always half full in spite of your opinion about it.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Click here for more help...

The problem just seems to get more and more complicated.

Hi E. & P.,

I’ve responded to each of your points below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>

But first, let’s be clear on a few tenets that will be the foundation for my recommendations:

1. Our primary goal as parents should be to foster the development of self-reliance.

2. Our main strategy for fostering this development is to provide opportunities for our kids to EARN privileges.

3. We must provide no intensity when “things are going wrong” and provide a lot of intensity when “things are going right.”

==================

Mark,

We started using your techniques such as making our daughter earn, things such as money for gas ect. That was 1 week ago. She went to a friend’s house to house-sit for the weekend and now has stayed with them. They also think this arrangement is ok. But it is NOT ok with us.

>>>>>>>>>> When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, many children respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. Some follow through with this threat.

We try to talk to her about what her long term plans are and she tells us she doesn't want to go there. We tell her we love her more than anything in the world and we are told I don't want to go there.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I think you may have talked to her about YOUR long terms plan for her rather than asking her what ideas she may have about HER long terms plans for her (if I’m wrong, then ignore this statement).

She is still in high school but has turned 18 about a month ago.

>>>>>>>>>> She is an adult now. Thus, she is old enough to make her own decisions, even if they are bad decisions. Your efforts to protect her from bad decisions WILL make a bad problem worse. She must be able to make mistakes – it’s how she learns! Allow her to make her own choice – even if the choice is a poor one in your estimation. If, for example, she returns home (which is likely) and wants to violate a house rule, let her do it, and then simply issue a consequence.

This friend that she is moving in with also self cuts and left home and thinks this is the solution to the problem.

>>>>>>>>>>> Pick your battles carefully. This is a completely separate issue. You have no control over her “cutting,” and again …the more you attempt to control this, the more she will move in the opposite direction. This is a battle I would not fight …you have bigger fish to fry. More info on cutting here: https://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/cutting

She tells us our home is not the problem, so what is it then? She has only known this friend for a few months. I see the problem as we are making her accountable and she refuses to be accountable to anyone not even herself.

>>>>>>>>> Simply state the house rules and the consequences for violating house rules. If she doesn’t want to abide by your rules, she can live elsewhere. In any event, do not loosen-up your expectations for compliance regarding house rules. Again, this is her choice: (a) live with mom and dad and play by their rules, or (b) live elsewhere under my own set of rules and deny myself the comforts of home.

A family councellor tells us that we must not let this happen during the school year and that we give her permission but not till June. He says she still needs the family unit for support in all areas when he has seen her.

>>>>>>>>>> I agree, but it is very possible to support her (a) even if she lives elsewhere and (b) as she begins the process of separating from the “nest.” She is making an effort to become self-reliant, and this is a good thing -- assuming that her current living arrangement is safe.

This is a huge complicated picture both emotionally and other wise as well. If she stays moved out do we cut all ties with her…

>>>>>>>>>> Reward her for seeking self-reliance and provide a lot of encouragement in this area. She will live up to – or down to – your expectations of her. If you convey an attitude that she is too immature and incompetent to survive away from the nest, she will take your attitude as instruction to fail out in the real world. On the other hand, if you convey an attitude of trust in her capabilities, she will become capable.

…do we continue to give her the opportunity to earn things so she has some financial means. We live in a small community and the opportunity for employment for our young people is almost nill. At the moment, she does not support herself financially.

>>>>>>>>>> Absolutely …you will be helping with the development of self-reliance, which is key here.

Do we allow her access to our home?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> As long as she abides by your house rules.

Do we allow her access to her siblings?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> As long as she abides by your house rules.

Do we allow her to take anything other than her clothes?

>>>>>>>>>> Only with your permission.

Mark, if anyone had told me 1 year ago we'd be where we are today with this kid, I would have called their bluff. Our daughter has P.C.O.S. so we also have the hormonal component to add to this picture. P.C.O.S. can lead to Type 2 bipolar, but this is also the child who refuses to take her meds. We didn't even get the opportunity to try giving repercussions due to her not taking her meds.

>>>>>>>>>>>Again, pick your battles carefully. This (similar to the “cutting” issue) falls into the category of “things you cannot control,” and attempts to control it will most likely backfire.

Any advice would be helpful. The problem just seems to get more and more complicated.

>>>>>>>>>>> Be patient with your daughter as she pushes against the world to see how it responds. Old habits are hard to break. It may take awhile for her to understand that you are serious and will no longer be controlled by her emotional outbursts or manipulations. Keep your cool and continue about your day, not letting her see the frustration you may feel. And always, always, follow through with the consequence that you have described to her should she return home (or visit home) and violate a house rule. Be consistent. Most importantly, when she makes the right decision, be sure to give her a big hug and let her know how proud of her you are.

Please stay in touch,

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My mom calls me crying all the time about it...

This question is not about my children (I don't have any) but my 16-year-old brother. Sometimes he is the nicest kid in the world, but now he is acting out and not listening to my parents. My parents are fighting about it and not getting along and I have another brother and sister who are younger and cry because C___ and mom are fighting. He does not listen and is starting to fail school. He just got his license and thinks he is invincible. My mom calls me crying all the time about it and I don't know what to do. Help!!

Got help!?

Do I call the cops?

My daughter turned 18 in Oct, since then, rules have been tested every step of the way. She had her teacher call, grades were slipping, I talked to her, she got loud and we argued. We have argued about curfew. We argue about her attitude, very poor. We talked about a lip pierce, I said no, and no again. She knew the rules, I said wait till she graduated.

She came home late after work, said I know you're going to be mad, but I got one. I blew up. I got mad and told her that she needed to go spend the night at her older brother's house, while I cooled down. I was furious for her defying me. She stayed one night there, and moved over to her girlfriends. Haven’t heard from her in a week. She's going to school. I talked to the coach. What do I do? Do I go and force her home, do I call the cops (she's 18, I don’t think they can do anything) leave it alone, she’ll come home on her own? She won’t even talk to me. Help

________

Hi B.,

You’re right …the cops will not be able to force her to return home.

I think it is good that she is “out on her own.” This experience will teach her how to survive away from “the nest.” Plus she will develop a greater appreciation for YOU as she lives day-to-day without the comforts of “home” and “mom.”

If (or should I say ‘when’) she returns home, this will be a good time for the two of you to sit down so you can lay-out the ground rules for her living ‘under your roof.’ If she does not want to follow your house rules, then she can live elsewhere. It’s her choice.

You’re obligations have been met. Now that your daughter is an adult, living in YOUR house is a privilege – not a right.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Can he just take her away or what?

Hi Mark,

I had a meeting with ex re: finances, but he wont pay anything. He has a new girlfriend who lives in NSW and says L___ will not stay at her high school the whole way through. I want her to. He doesn't know where he will live. Where does that leave me? It actually affected my work today. I think I need some legal advice on that matter. Can he just take her away or what? I am overeating and over-sleeping now. I believe L___ would take us to court if she could or would know about it. She has been okay during holidays.

J.

___________

Hi J.,

I’m not sure what the laws are on this matter in your area. In my state, either parent (or both) can get custody. If the parents agree between themselves on custody, they can avoid a long and expensive court case. But if they can't agree, the judge will hear both sides and decide what's best for the child, not the parents. The judge will consider many factors such as:

• Which parent has been the children’s primary caregiver
• Emotional ties of the children to parents and other family members
• Attitude of the parents towards the child
• Whether one parent has abused the other (the law assumes that it is not best for the child to be in the custody of a parent who has abused the other parent)
• Whether one parent is more likely to help the other parent keep a close relationship with the children (the judge won’t consider this if one parent shows that the other parent has been abusive and that a continuing relationship with the children would be dangerous for either the parent or the children)
• Any criminal record of the parents
• The parents' emotional stability
• Home environment
• The child's age, sex, and health
• Whom the child wishes to be with (if the child is old enough to make a good decision)

Judges will often award permanent legal custody to the parent who has had physical custody of the child. Judges do not like to change the living situation of a child who is doing well.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Do you think this program will help him?

I am a very experience tutor tutoring a thirteen-year-old who does not respond to strategies. Will this program help me? I have never worked with a child as difficult, and I am used to working with children who are difficult. I am determined to succeed.

There is a stubborn refusal to attend, to try a new strategy even though he knows the strategies he has been using don't work, and an inability to carry through on completing a task. He is very intelligent and could do well; however, I am not able to reach him. Do you think this program will help him?

Here's Help!

Please help.

Hi M.,

I’ve responded to each of your comments in turn below.

Please look for there arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dear Mr. Hutten,

Our son is already in a mental health facility. He would have gone to a juvenile justice facility if we had not intervened and sent him to get some help.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Michael …don’t get upset with me, but I think this was a big mistake (i.e., intervening to “save” him from experiencing emotional pain associated with poor choices). This “enabled” him and will most likely come back to bite you in the hind-end. Counseling – and even placement in a mental health facility – will not give you much “bang for your buck.” He needs a painful consequence, not an expensive babysitter. He does need to be stabilized and on some form of medication for his rage, but this can be done as an out-patient.

He has attacked both of us. He attacked my wife the last time and it was VERY bad. I am not worried about the emotional pain. Emotional pain is hurtful but we can get through it. I am worried that someone is going to get hurt badly. He knows what our physical ailments are and where the best spots to attack are located. He is bigger than either of us.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Your son has Conduct Disorder tendencies.

We love him. We want him to get the therapy he needs so that we can be a family. He is making false accusations of emotional and mental abuse.

>>>>>>>>> It doesn’t surprise that he would be making false accusations. This what kids with ODD and CD do.

He can not claim physical abuse any longer because he is larger, and all the marks, bruises, hair yanked out of his mother's head, broken phones when she tries to call 911.

>>>>>>>>>>Have you filed any battery charges against your son? If not, you are digging your self into a deeper hole.

We don't know what kind of therapy they are implementing because they are not located in the same city as we are. They are not sharing with us anything other than what medication they are giving him. He lies in therapy and like you said, they believe him because he is very manipulative. He is very smart and knows what to say. He has shown us at home that he is able to cry at will. He proved it to me in order to show that he could use it to manipulate my wife at any time. I told her and he showed her as well. That’s when the violence really began because he couldn't fake crying anymore.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Again, please do not get upset with me, but I have to say this: Your son is spoiled rotten!! Don’t get me wrong -- he’s not a bad kid, but he is so used to being in charge (i.e., the tail wagging the dog) that it is going to take a lot of hard work to get the problems reversed.

We are worried about our son. He may never be a productive member of society for himself. He may never be able to get along with anyone. He claims that it is all our fault. He feels like acute care is a vacation. He is not afraid of going to a detention facility.

WE only get weekly appts on the phone with him and the therapist. We don't know what to do when he gets home. It is scary because we are wondering if he will come home and attack again. The therapist is saying that it will never get better.

>>>>>>>>>>>It will definitely NOT get better until you muster up some tough love. Are you willing to do this? If not, you need get an attorney and have him removed permanently from the home.

The only thing that the justice system and mental health facilities have done is make him more educated on terminology and able to manipulate the situation better.

>>>>>>>>>>>This is not entirely true. If he’s locked-up, he can’t hurt anybody. This is as much about protecting you and others as it is about getting him some help.

He has had to change roommates 3 times because he is violent and even stabbed one child with a pen. I want you to understand the gravity of what we are dealing with. Please help.

>>>>>>>>>>>Oh …I get the picture. But I have a huge concern. I have a bad feeling in my gut that you may continue to “save” your son from emotional pain associated with his poor choices. Please begin setting some serious boundaries immediately. I’ve written a whole book on how to do this.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I have never paid for a support group...

I am currently disabled and fighting social security. I don't have a credit card, debit etc. I would really like to join the parent support group, unless I can find one that is free. I do have to admit that I have never paid for a support group, nor have I ever charged when I ran my own support groups. But if this is what I have to do, I will. However we go back to original problem, paying. Can you accept a check through the mail? Please let me know as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

S.S.

_____________

Hi S.,

Online Parent Support is much more than a support group, and there are several reasons why Online Parent Support cost members a one-time fee of $19.99.

1. Cost of advertising and keeping the website up and running

2. You get an eBook

3. You have access to my lectures (live audio recording of my parent group)

4. You have access to all the videos and power point presentations shown during the parent group

5. You have access to 44 additional ebooks -- and this number is growing

6. I offer multiple resources, which provide financial assistance to those single parents who get little or no financial help from their child's other parent

7. I provide parent-coaching for as long -- and as often -- as you need consultation

8. And I offer a weekly newsletter.

You will not find another program -- online or off -- that comes close to providing the quantity and quality of services offered on www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com and Online Parent Support. You can, however, find other programs that are much more expensive and provide fewer services.

As far as “free” programs go – well, if you find one, let me know. If parents are not willing to invest 19 bucks in their child, then they probably will not spend the time or energy to “work” the program anyway -- in which case, they WOULD be wasting their money.

Mark Hutten M.A.

Drug/Alcohol Abuse in Adolescents

Alcohol and drugs are a growing danger to our countries young people. The number one cause of car accidents involving teenagers is substance abuse.

LEARN MORE

She is hanging out with a really bad crowd...

I have a 17-year-old girl who is hanging out with a bad group of kids. She was charged with curfew violation and drinking under the age of 21 20 days ago. I have read your ebook and I thought that maybe things were improving, but last night we let her go out and she was supposed to be home between 11:30 and 12:00. We got a call from the police at 12:00 to come and get her. She had 2 15-year-olds in her truck and there was evidence of alcohol and some pot seeds and stems in her truck. She was again charged with curfew violation and she apparently told the police officer that she would rather be dead. The police officer told my husband that she is hanging out with a really bad crowd.

What can I do? My husband and I were talking this morning trying to figure out what has went wrong. Should we move her to a different school? How do we make her stay away from these kids? We both work and this is my very busy time of the year. Please help or give your suggestions.

___________

Hi M.,

You’ve raised several issues here:

1. Hanging with the wrong crowd
2. Curfew violation
3. Possible under age drinking
4. Possible marijuana smoking

First, I have to ask. What did your daughter do to earn her truck? Second, what did your daughter do to earn her “night out” the other night?

The reason I ask is because – if she did nothing to earn the above – this was the beginning of the problems.

The method for all four of these problems is outlined in the Anger Management chapter of the ebook (online version) in the section entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid,” which can be reviewed here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/am

I’ve taken the liberty of plugging in your specific set of problems into the strategy:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1. Clearly state your expectation.

"Be sure to be home by curfew. No drinking, smoking pot, or hanging with that crowd.”

2. If your child does what she is told to do, reward her with acknowledgment and praise.

"I appreciate that you got home by curfew and _________________."

Note: "Rewards" such as hugs, kisses, and high-fives increase your children's motivation to do what you ask them to do.

3. If your child refuses or ignores your request, then a clear warning (with your best poker face) should be given immediately in the form of a simple “If/Then” statement.

"If you choose to ignore my request, then you choose the consequence, which will be _________" (pick the least restrictive consequence first, such as grounding and no phone privileges for one evening).

4. If the warning is ignored, then quickly follow through with the discipline.

"Because you chose to ignore my request, you also chose the consequence which is grounding and no phone tonight."

5. If your child refuses to accept the consequence (e.g., leaves the house or she gets on the phone anyway), take everything away (or at least her "favorite" stuff and/or activities) and ground her for 3 days. If she has a rage-attack when she finds out she is grounded for 3 days, the 3-day-discipline does not start until she calms down. If she violates the 3-day-discipline at any point, merely re-start the 3 days rather than making it 7 days or longer.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In addition, you may want to review my response to a similar email from another parent.

The parent asked, "My daughter has a few friends who have experimented with alcohol. How can I keep her from seeing these friends, and what should I do if she comes home under the influence?

My response can be viewed here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a

Moving her to a different school would be just another “traditional” parenting strategy that will most likely make a bad problem worse. I would simply use the strategies listed above for now.

Please keep me posted,

Mark

Stress-Relief for Stressed-Out Parents

Have you had trouble sleeping lately? Suffer from headaches, stomachaches, or heartburn? Or do you seem to develop one cold after another? Perhaps that's your body's way of reacting to too much stress.

Stress is a normal part of life, but working parents with out-of-control teenagers have more than their share. You need to be sure that the stress in your life doesn't adversely affect your health. If you cant fight or flee, learn how to flow.

Get Yourself De-Stressed

I was looking for some help with a girl I know...

I was looking for some help with a girl I know. Basically she is a family friend's 13-year-old daughter and is out of control. She doesn’t have any respect for her mum at all, and I don’t think she has any respect for herself. She drinks, smoke, takes drugs regularly, skips school so much that her mum is now faced with a £1000 fine or a month in jail, and I know that she tried self harm once and she has just been told she is suffering form alopetia (hair falling out usually die to stress).

My problem is that I have been asked to speak to the girl as her mum is running out of ideas. I’m unsure what to say to the girl. I’m assuming there is a reason for her behaviour (possibly because her mum and dad have been separated since she was young). But I don’t know if I should look for the reason or ask her to change her behaviour (which seems unlikely) or something else?

Any ideas on a good starting point ...even how to get her into the conversation as she will either become very defensive or she will go for the ‘poor me’ sympathy vote. I just want to help her realise that the way she is living isn’t good and do whatever I can to get her out of it.

Thanks

___________

Hi A.,

I hear you saying that you are preparing to do some form of “trying to reason with” this young lady. Unfortunately, traditional parenting strategies (e.g., lecturing, reasoning, attempting to impart wisdom, etc.) do not work – and too often make a bad problem worse.

Your best bet would be to learn a set of non-traditional approaches that will influence this young lady to change herself. She will NEVER work for what her mother wants, nor will she “come to some sort of understanding” as a result of your “talk” with her – but she WILL work for what SHE wants. And I show you how this works in the eBook: www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mark

Our son is already willing to physically attack us...

We purchased your eBook. The beginning of the book says that ‘things will initially get worse’. Our son is already willing to physically attack us, and we are concerned that the initial period might cause serious damage. Can you help?

______________________

Michael,

This is where you are going to have to muster up some tuff. Stick to your guns. Use the strategies just as they are intended. And SHOW NO FEAR! If you feel afraid, "act as if" you are not afraid. If your son knows you are intimidated, he will continue to "rule the roost." If he lays a hand on you, you should immediately call the police and have him arrested.

This is not a game. Tough circumstances call for tough measures. You should not have to "live in fear" that issuing a consequence will result in domestic battery.

If it gets worse before it gets better (and it sounds like it will), this is a good thing. Think of it as "labor before birth." There will be some emotional pain associated with change, but once the new changes become habit, you will know it was worth the effort.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Our son is in a long-term mental health facility.

Our son is in a long-term mental health facility. We do not know where to turn for advice. His therapist is recommending that we put him into a group home. She does not believe that the treatment he is receiving will have any affect on our family life and that he will never be able to return home. This is frustrating because he is there to get help for his aggression and depression. He feels unloved and we wonder if she is helping him feel that way. Why are we paying these people to help our son when their answer is that there is no hope? We don't know who we should contact or what we can do to help our son and ourselves. We want to be a happy family, but they don't seem to share that goal. We will be visiting him on the 23rd of this month. Can you offer us any guidance on this? Thank you for your support. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

M. & D.

______________

Hi M. & D.,

My day job involves working with teens/pre-teens and their parents. I work with these families in their homes. All of these kids have a variety of behavioral and mental health problems (e.g., adhd, odd, cd, ocd, bipolar, asperger’s, tourette’s, etc.). All of them were formerly in placement somewhere and have been returned to the home. I help parents re-learn how to parent their out of control, “unconventional” kids with the use of “unconventional” parenting strategies.

If they were to continue to parent their children using “conventional” parenting strategies, it wouldn’t be long before the child would have to be removed from the home again. Why? Because “conventional” parenting strategies BACKFIRE when used with “unconventional” kids.

I use the term “unconventional.” More familiar labels are “problem child,” “abnormal child,” “dysfunctional child” and so on. Whatever term you want to use, the bottom line is this: If you will use the strategies outlined in my eBook, and if you will use me as your parent coach via email over the next several months, there is absolutely no reason why your son cannot come back home and live a normal life.

It is never too late …there is no problem that is too big …and there is no need to continue living as a worried, defeated parent. But you cannot parent your son like you would a “normal” or “average” child. And you’ll have to take care of yourself in ways you wouldn’t have to if your son were not so strong-willed and out of control.

If you will “hunker down” and prepare yourself for the hard work ahead, I’ll be there for you as often as you need my assistance. We can get him returned home, and we can get him behaving in an acceptable manner within a few weeks. If you will take a step of faith here and make a commitment to making a few changes in the way you parent, then you will experience the same success as hundreds of other parents who were in the same boat as you are now.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

How do I find the kind of help he needs?

The younger boy is the kid who is acting out. He's lunging at his older brother and the fight ensues. This boy is also smoking pot, has talked about trying LSD, throws things, ditches school, cussing, has kicked opened my car door so hard then slammed it so hard that the door doesn't close right anymore, etc. He has even stuck me in the arm.

I'm at the point where the consequence is calling the police, which I don't want to do. When I've sat down to talk to him, red flags started popping up. I want to get him counseling and anger management help. I don't know where to start. How do I find the kind of help he needs?

_____________

Putting out small fires is about 99.99% easier than putting out larger ones. When the fire is as big as you have described, you must have some outside assistance. Calling the police will have little benefit. Out of control kids love intensity, and calling the police will reward his negative behavior. You'll need to go to your local juvenile probation department (without your son) and file an incorrigibility complaint. In this way, your bark will have some bit. Once on probation, your child will be directed toward the behavioral modification treatment he needs.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He chose to steal 2 games from the local Kmart...

Dear Mark,

Thank you for the great e-mails. I have a 16 year old, out of control son, that was diagnosed with ODD in September. I had him attend counseling after a series of bad grades in school. He chose to steal 2 games from the local Kmart, refuses to do his homework, refuses to go to bed at night & get up in the morning, and wanders the halls in school.

He then in September was expelled for a week from school after he took 2 Ipods from one locker & put them into another. The boy's parents pressed charges & we went to court. He was put on probation for 6 months, has community service, is required to keep his grades up, and wrote an apology letter to the person from which he stole. You would think he would feel some sort of remorse? He sees this as a thorn in his side. Even the class on theft that he will be attending doesn't seem like it is going to make him think. It's like he has no fear.

The only things that are important to him are playing his guitar, talking on the phone and being on the computer. Surprise, surprise, I know...he's a teenager. But the thing is he used to be a straight A student, attended Math Masters in the State of MN, and was an academic All star. Skinny legged-girls jeans, dying his hair, and piercings along with MySpace has now taken the place of these other things. He only does what he has to so he doesn't fail in school, and it seems to be getting worse.

I went through a divorce 6 years ago, but all of this is just in the last 12 months. I don't know how to help him anymore. I don't want him to mess up the last 2 1/2 years that he has left in school and want desperately for him to go back to being that compassionate young man that he used to be...please help.

Thank you,

K.N.

===========================================================================

Hi K.,

I've summarized the problems here:

--ODD

--bad grades

--stealing

--doesn't do homework

--sleep problems

--skips class

--legal problems

--unable to empathize

All of this is covered in my eBook. Have you read it yet? If not, please do. Then please email me with a specific question. To address all the above problems in one email will take hours to address properly. Please don't wait any longer to address these problems, because it WILL continue to get worse -- and you have a lot on your plate at this point.

Thank you,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I could really use some help...

I really could use some help with dealing with my 9-year-old son, who may be dealing with this ODD disorder. He is very disrespectful towards myself, and I am his mother, also to his siblings not quite as bad, and a tiny bit with his father. He is fine with his friends and does great in school. I don't feel that physically hitting him is going to make the situation any better and is only making him resent me even more. How can I go about getting an accurate diagnose for his behaviors? Thanks, you may email me @ anytime.

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ODD is a psychiatric disorder that is characterized by two different sets of problems. These are aggressiveness and a tendency to purposefully bother and irritate others. It is often the reason that people seek treatment. When ODD is present with ADHD, depression, Tourette's, anxiety disorders, or other neuropsychiatric disorders, it makes life with that child far more difficult. For Example, ADHD plus ODD is much worse than ADHD alone, often enough to make people seek treatment. The criteria for ODD are:

A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least six months during which four or more of the following are present:

1. Often loses temper

2. Often argues with adults

3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

4. Often deliberately annoys people

5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others

7. Is often angry and resentful

8. Is often spiteful and vindictive

The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.

All of the criteria above include the word "often". But what exactly does that mean? Recent studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all children. These researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria.

Has occurred at all during the last three months:

Is spiteful and vindictive

Blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Occurs at least twice a week:

Is touchy or easily annoyed by others

Loses temper

Argues with adults

Actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

Occurs at least four times per week:

Is angry and resentful

Deliberately annoys people

The usual pattern is for problems to begin between ages 1-3. A lot of these behaviors are normal at age 2, but in this disorder they never go away. It does run in families. If a parent is alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law, their children are almost three times as likely to have ODD.

ODD is diagnosed in the same way as many other psychiatric disorders in children. You need to examine the child, talk with the child, talk to the parents, and review the medical history. Sometimes other medical tests are necessary to make sure it is not something else. You always need to check children out for other psychiatric disorders, as it is common the children with ODD will have other problems, too.

What can parents do? They can use the strategies outline in my eBook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

Mark Hutten, M.A.

How do I get him to talk more freely about these issues?

Hi Mark. Have been using your strategies with my younger son (13), who by the way is not a child with tremendous challenges like my eldest son and many of your on-line parents’ children. I have been getting great positive behaviour responses, and I have become comfortable in using your strategies.

I can't recall when we have had such great conversations about what he would like to achieve and how he would like to increase his pocket money if he completed extra chores at home. He has moved away from an expected weekly allowance to ensuring he has completed what we agreed to for the money to even looking at other ways he can help me.

The only area I am having difficulties is when we recently watched a news report about teenage drinking, and drugs I asked him what he thought about the use of drugs and how they affected people. He answered, “I know all about it” and did not want to talk about it. I can only guess he relates these issues with what his brother is going through and tries not to worry about him. How do I get him to talk more freely about these issues??

___________

Hi,

You’re assuming he needs to talk about these issues. I know you’re worried about him, but if he needs to talk, he will – probably not to you however (no offense). He will most likely “vent his spleen” to his peers rather than any adult.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Does this happen to other moms as well?

Hi Mark,

We are finding your book very interesting. I have a question concerning parents and councellors. Often we are told to "butt out", “your daughters disorganization is due to your disorganization.” We were led to believe from one school councellor that our daughter’s difficulties all stemmed from our ADD son and we should have been spending more time with her.

Often our daughter speaks with these councellors, we never have access to them except to receive their criticism as our daughter is over the age of 16 and will not allow us to know anything.

They will allow us to vent, but we never get any feedback except these blunt comments.

As a mom, I cannot take these negative comments much longer. She started with a new councellor about 4 weeks ago and he wants to talk with just me (mom). I have found in past experience that usually in these instances, I get belittled into the ground, but if my husband comes it seems to change the picture. Is this just me or does this happen to other moms as well? I am tired of being made feel like I am the one with the problem.

Our daughter has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and by research on the net, this can lead to Type II Bipolar if left untreated, but we cannot find anyone who is willing to treat the initial disorder. She was put on mood stabilizers for type II bipolar, but is non-compliant in taking them.

E. & P.

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Hi E. & P.,

Sending the kid to counseling is simply another “traditional” parenting strategy that has little or no benefit with “non-traditional” kids – and in too many cases, counseling makes a bad problem worse. One-on-one counseling with the child or with just a portion of the family is not recommended!! If the entire family can attend, then counseling may have some benefit. Even then, you will not get much bang for your buck (and you’re hearing this from a counselor -- me).

The best approach for dealing with strong-willed, out of control teens is outlined in the eBook …you need nothing else. Let me repeat this …you need nothing else. This charges you, dear parent, with the difficult work of reading the material thoroughly and making a whole-hearted effort to implement the recommended parenting strategies. This is YOUR job – not the counselor’s.

Re: not taking meds. This needs a consequence in the same way any other behavioral problem needs a consequence. (Please refer to “When You Want Something From Your Kid” in the Anger Management chapter of the eBook).

Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He throws a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way...

Mark,

My husband (Pat) and I are excited that we found your website. We have a 15 (almost 16) year old. Oct. 2005 he was diagnosed as bipolar, ADHD, and ODD. He was sent to the state hospital for 2 months to stabilize his moods and meds. He was sent home (failure to comply and interfering with other people's treatment plans). That was a tough time because it was easier to live without him than to live with him at the time. We filed for a CHINS petition (Children in Need of Supervision). He was place on probation and began receiving therapy from another counselor.

Here we are a little over a year since he came home. It has been a lot of ups and downs. There have been days when we feel like we couldn't go on and that it would be best for him to be placed in residential treatment. The psychiatrist is still changing his meds. I feel like we're still dealing with the same issues. My son wants to do what he wants, when he wants. He becomes belligerent when he doesn't get his way. Imagine, a 15-year-old, 5' 9", 260 lb kid throwing what seems to be a temper tantrum because he didn't get his own way. I worry about how he will turn out as an adult. He comes from a family that has a long history of anger problems and violence.

When he turns 16 he will be applying to get into Job Corp. We are excited about this ...probably for some wrong reasons. But at this place, he will not allow us to parent him. Little things become such a big fight ...the simple stuff, like picking up after himself ...or taking his meds.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

L.F.

_____________

Hi L.,

You just described all the other kids I work with during my day job (i.e., multiple mental health issues and behavior problems). And the parents that show up for my group are in the same boat as you (i.e., “Tried everything …still just treading water.”).

If you will commit to using the strategies in my eBook, you will finally begin to experience some positive change. But you must NOT dabble with these strategies – no half measures. Half measures WILL be the kiss of failure.

Below are just a few key points that will be developed in greater detail in the eBook. To omit even one of these will result in another failed attempt at getting significant change underway. These strategies are like the parts of a transmission in your car. Your transmission has little tiny springs, valves, gears, bands, and so on. But if just one of these parts is missing or defective, the whole transmission either runs poorly or not at all.

Key Points:

• After issuing a consequence, never retract it.

• Allow your out-of-control kid to make wrong choices – this gives him wisdom; experience is a great teacher.

• Be able to differentiate between your kid’s wants and her needs.

• Consider having only one television and one computer in the house.

• Don’t nag – simply follow through with the consequence.

• Don’t try to save your kid from negative consequences and painful emotions associated with poor choices.

• Expect your out-of-control kid to resist your new parenting strategies.

• Give equal love to all your kids, but parent them differently.

• Give only one warning -- then follow through with the consequence.

• Give your kid at least five chores to do each week.

• If you have tried to correct your parent’s mistakes by attempting to be a “better” parent, know that (a) you turned out all right, and (b) you may be erring on the other end of the extreme (e.g., your parent was aggressive to you as a child, so you decide to parent in a passive way).

• If you slip into a rage against your kid, apologize - but don’t try to compensate by over-indulging him.

• If your kid hibernates in his bedroom, take that television and computer out of there.

• Keep an eye out for your kid’s guilt-trips.

• Know that a weaker parenting-strategy supported by both parents – even if they are divorced -- is better than a stronger strategy supported by only one.

• Learn to say -- and stick with -- “no.”

• Only give your kid gifts on these 3 occasions: birthdays, Christmas, and graduation.

• Pay attention to your feelings of guilt about how you have parented, and know it is a sign that you are – once again – beating up on yourself.

• Remember that over-indulged kids are too comfortable – they need some discomfort before they will change.

• Remember that parenting is not a popularity contest – you are not a buddy!

• Respond to your kid’s anger with a poker face.

• When taking away privileges, take away the privilege for a short period (3 days works best). If it lasts too long, resentment builds, the kid forgets the infraction, and the lesson is lost.

• When you catch yourself feeling sorry for your kid, know it is a sign that you are – once again – taking on too much responsibility.

• When your kid needs to be cheered-up, do so with active listening, empathy, paraphrasing, validation, and hugs rather than giving him/her a lot of stuff and freedom (e.g., unearned privileges, food, gifts, fun activities).

• Don't dabble with these non-traditional parenting strategies – be consistent and you will out-will the strong-willed, out-of-control kid!

LEARN MORE

I am at the end of my rope...

I have a 12-year-old daughter who has been diagnosed with numerous conditions (Tourette's ADD, ODD and early onset bi-polar disorder). However, of all these the Oppositional Defiance disorder is giving me a great deal of heartache. She will not do anything I ask (including bathing and general hygiene) is extremely argumentative and annoying with everyone and now has started to refuse to get up and get ready for school. We have reached the lifetime limit for mental health treatment on our insurance. Any help or advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated as I am at the end of my rope.

==========

Hi E.,

My full-time job consists of going to the homes of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. Out of a pure sense of hopelessness, these parents have come to Madison County Juvenile Probation seeking help.

They have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional & behavioral problems, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try to help, the worse it gets.

Here’s the good news. These kids with these “disorders” (e.g., ADHD, ODD, Conduct Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, etc.) are the most enjoyable bunch of kids I could ever work with. I get respect and cooperation from all of them.

But …and this is an important point here …I know how to approach them. Through years of trial and error (as well as research), I have found a method for over-coming the obstacles that formerly prevented any positive outcome with these kids.

I want you to hear me very clearly here …there is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stress-out parent. I will help you bring the chaos and confusion to a grinding halt, but I can’t help you unless you are willing to work with me – I can’t do it for you!

If you will read my eBook, listen to my lectures, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as you go along – we WILL get the problems turned around. If you will take a step of faith, you will experience the same success that hundreds of other parents are now enjoying.

After years of dealing with a dishonest, disrespectful and dysfunctional child, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing or nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But I promise you – it is never too late.

Now…

You have to make a decision. You must decide whether or not to take a step of faith here. I cannot help you unless you are willing to help yourself.

You deserve much better than you are settling for.

Click here to get started with my program: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

I hope to hear from you soon,

Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support
Madison County Youth Center
Madison Superior Court, Division 2
3420 Mounds Road
Anderson, Indiana
46017-1873
Probation: (765) 635-9037
Fax: (765) 646-9229
Toll Free: (856) 457-4883
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

She is completely out of control...

Please ...is there any advice for my husband and I about his teen daughter with Bipolar and Aspergers. She is completely out of control with her anger and very threatening to my 5-yeard-old and 18-month-old who are her half siblings. Please let me know if there is any free advice anywhere on how to handle being around her and how these situations should be handled. Her mother and father are giving in a lot and it has taken its toll on my children and me. Thank you.

---------

Hi S.,

For info on Bipolar Disorder, please refer to this section of the eBook: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/bi-polar

For the entire eBook on dealing with out-of-control teens, please click here:

http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/sl

Mark

He fights physically with other children...

Hello --

We are new to the My Out of Control Teen and are really impressed with the material. We have an 11-year old that fights physically with other children when he's frustrated or angry and I'm looking for an appropriate punishment. I see in the material that you have lots of suggestions for many things, but I didn't see anything about this specifically. It doesn't happen that often (but it did tonight when he spent a couple of hours with a new neighbor's son), and he's not in the same situation that often so it's hard to deal with it on a regular basis, but when it does happen it's a big enough deal that I want it to stop. Any suggestions would be most welcome.

Thank you for providing all of this material and any assistance you can provide.

B.

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Hi B.,

The strategy for this particular behavioral problem is in the “Anger Management” chapter, and is entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid.” Please refer to this strategy using the online version of the eBook (listen to the audio as well).

I’ve taken the liberty of “plugging” your particular situation into the steps:

1. Clearly state your expectation.

"In the future, do not push or hit any of your friends.”

2. When your child plays with friends without fighting, reward with acknowledgment and praise.

"You did such a great job of playing without fighting …that’s you being a good friend.”

Note: "Rewards" such as hugs, kisses, and high-fives increase your children's motivation to do what you ask them to do.

3. If, on the other hand, your child refuses or ignores your request, then a clear warning (with your best poker face) should be given immediately in the form of a simple “If/Then” statement.

"If you choose to push or hit, then you’ll choose the consequence, which will be ________ " (pick the least restrictive consequence first, such as no computer games or T.V. for one evening).

4. If the warning is ignored, then quickly follow through with the discipline.

"Because you chose to hit/push, you also chose the consequence -- which is no games or T.V. this evening."

5. If your child refuses to accept the consequence (e.g., watches T.V. anyway), take everything away (or at least his "favorite" stuff and/or activities) and ground for 3 days. If child has a temper tantrum when he finds out he is grounded for 3 days, the 3-day-discipline does not start until he calms down. If he violates the 3-day-discipline at any point, merely re-start the 3 days rather than making it 7 days or longer.

6. Tell your child exactly he can do to EARN his way off discipline.

"If you do not hit or push anyone over the next three days, then you will be ungrounded – and you will get all your toys and games returned to you …on the other hand, if you DO hit or push anyone, the 3-day-discipline starts over."

We can tweek the above strategy as needed. Please keep me posted.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

=======================================

Thank you Mark! That really helps. We are doing much of this and appreciate seeing the pattern laid out to keep us on track. With the consistency idea in mind, I'm working on zeroing in on every little instance of angry behavior as a means of working it out with the small things—even kicking the stairs when he walks up to take a shower he doesn't want to take :) and I'm hoping I can be diligent enough to make a difference. The idea of complimenting him and small rewards for behaving well often do get overlooked (it seems so basic to be civil when we're around other people!) but your recommendation to notice those is a good one.

B.