Emails from a few of the parents who have joined Online Parent Support...

Emails from parents:

"I just wanted to say a BIG Thank You for
your work! I think, I mean I KNOW that
your e-books and website are the most
informative I have ever seen. And I have
looked everywhere, read everything, tried
it all! Thank you!" - D.G.

“Your ebook is very thorough and has
helped me and my family immensely. My
husband and I have a better understanding
now!  Since completing the program, my
son Jonathon has brought his grades up
35%, and he is getting praise from his
teachers. The Assistant Principal wrote a
letter describing improvements in
Jonathan’s behavior and gave it to me at
the parent-teacher conference.” - T.S.

“We thank everyone involved with this
program.  We are using the techniques we
have learned on ALL of our children, not
just the one we were having trouble with.”
- A.J.

“I found your book very helpful, even
though our child was already in placement
at a juvenile facility.  Wish we had taken
this course years ago.” - T.P.

"I looked forward to each session. It was my
support to get through the week.  Plus I
looked forward to what new things to learn
to help with my child.  Thanks for your
help.  Thanks for being there." - J.D.

“Everything was helpful. I wish I had
known about this class 3 years ago. I hope
we haven’t waited too long to try these
parenting techniques.” - M.Q.

"I am very pleased to know I have
somewhere I can come for help -- and I
thank you for your help!" - A.H.

"I know if it hadn't been for this program,
my son would be in the 'system' and my
stress level would be through the roof."
- J.L.

"It's been 6 weeks since my wife and I
completed the ebook, and although things
are not perfect -- it's a lot better than it was!
Thanks." - S.H.

"The ebook was straight forward and
concise. It was good to see another
approach.  I wish we had started using
these techniques earlier." - L.D.

"This program should be mandatory for
some parents!" - J.H.

"I remember feeling so helpless, like I
couldn't do anything about the chaos and
drama in my home. I told myself, 'If you
haven't got the power, there is nothing you
can do about your situation' ...Seeing
myself as helpless insured paralysis and
provided a powerful rationale for doing
nothing. But now I feel empowered because
most of the things I'm trying actually
work." - M.C.

"I pretended that things were getting better
on their own, but this pretending took the
place of the effort required to bring about
real change. That's all over now. I'm taking
responsibility for my part of the problem,
and my daughter is accepting her part as
well." - B.E.

"I think my biggest problem was that I
didn't change the things that weren't
working. I kept using the same old
parenting strategies and hoped for different
results. This turned out to be almost as big
a problem as not trying to fix problems in
the first place.  I have better  tools in my 
parenting toolbox now.  Thanks
for all your help." - G.B.

"I realized I was very good at allowing my
children to be independent, but I was not
very good at setting clear and firm limits
for behavior. My children easily discovered
rules that could be broken if their protests
were long and loud enough ...Often times, I
just wanted to avoid the hassle of a conflict.
It was easier for me to let the rules slide
than to deal with the fuss. Also, it was
sometimes hard to refuse my children
anything, because I didn't want them to be
unhappy. I thought "unhappy children"
equals "bad parents."  And I guess at some
level, I was afraid my children would
become angry and hate me if I tried to set
boundaries. Now I know that children want
to know that their parents are in charge;
they need structure and limits. This
concept alone is helping me immensely."
- J.W.

"Just a short note to say thanks. We are
now well into your assignments and things
are going well. As you predicted, things got
a lot worse to begin with, but the three kids
and both parents are starting to settle well.
We are getting into a routine, and now "no"
is truly beginning to mean "no."In addition,
consequences to actions are beginning to be
followed, and your method of getting them
to do something is very effective. Many
thanks. I hope it's still o.k. to write with
any questions as they come along, as I feel
we are only part way through. And as they
get older, new things are going to appear.
Thanks again." - M.V.

"Thanks for the accommodations. You are a
big help. I started some of the pointers that
we've talked about, and I see some good
effects. It's very hard to switch emotions,
but I'm trying my best. I think I will be
sending you a lot of thanks for this book and
for the warm accommodation on the first
phone consultation.  I know I got the right
help now. I wish God will give you more
time to accommodate parents like me."
- K.N.

"My husband and I have been going over
your book and we have found it to be
incredibly helpful.  I am still losing control
over myself and getting into screaming
matches with my ODD kid, but we are still
doing better than before we found your
book." - C.K.

“Thank you for saving my family. When
my 13-year-old daughter turned into an
angry out of control person last spring
I had no idea of how to handle her. Nor did
the therapists I consulted. I thought I might
have to put her into a nearby residential
treatment program. I found your web-site
and downloaded your book. I refer to it as
"the Bible." My daughter's behavior turned
around the instant I stood up to her and
gave her limits. The change was amazing
and all for the good. It has helped me to be
clear, less reactive, calmer, more loving -
and a lot firmer. If a situation arises, I feel
that I know what to do and what action to
take. In other words, you are a genius!
I am deeply grateful.” - R.B.

"Thanks again Mark. I have been very
impressed with your advice and felt I
should "pay it forward" as we feel we are
getting such extreme value for our money.
As such, I sent your web mail address to the
doctor who was "trying" to help us. Our son
was so extremely disrespectful during our
visit with the doctor that the doc was
exasperated at the end and told us there
was nothing more he could do and so we
should consider kicking him out at 18 and
prior to that, send him to a home for
"raging" kids if his behaviour continued. I
also note that our doctor has a Psychology
degree. I know he has many cases such as
ours, so I sent him your website to pass on
to other parents who would benefit from
this resource. Kindest regards." - S.T.

"Mark- I am only on the second week of
your program, but I'm already seeing an
amazing and positive difference in my
daughter. We have struggled with her
behavior since she was 9 months old. I was
humbled and astounded to learn that I was
a very big part of the problem in the way
that I was reacting to her. We actually
have some peace in our home and she even
hugs us and says “I love you” on a regular
basis. She has even begun apologizing for
getting angry and being unreasonable. The
next step is to help her bring her grades up
and stay out of trouble at school. I have
every confidence that we have turned a
corner and I’m referring everyone I know
to your program." - T.E.

"When I started the program, I felt so lost
and helpless.  Mark said things that made
me swear he knew my child personally.
Everything I read seemed to be about my
child.  This was how I knew this program
was different, and that it could work.  The
steps were easy to follow, and the results
were fast.  When we took the parenting
quiz, I scored an 80 and my husband scored
100.  This really opened our eyes. Now all
3 of my children are happier and easier to
deal with." - K.J.

"I wanted to say thank you for all your
support, sound advice, and speedy
responses last year. You were the only
person I could speak with, and you helped
me enormously." - M.E.

"I have purchased your e-book and cds...
just wanted to say how amazing your work
is proving to be.  I work in field of
psychiatry but have struggled to discipline
my son and to understand his behaviour.
I have put in to practice the first week
session and already it is working.  Your
insight into teenagers is amazing... it was
like you had written it all for my son and I.
Thank you, a 1000 times, thank you.  I’ll
keep you informed of J__’s progress, my 16
year old out of control teenager!" - T.W.

"I am so thankful and blessed I found
your website.  I am incorporating your
suggestions into my life with my 15-year-
old daughter – and things are going so
much better.  We are both trying and,
though she still goes to counseling, I feel
like I have tools to work with her now.
Thanks a $$$million and God Bless You!"
- P.O.

"Thanks Mark.  After reading some of your
ebook, it makes me realize areas we have to
work on. Not ONE counselor we've ever
seen has ever made more sense -- we've
wasted dozens of hours in counseling. We
are going to take some positive steps
forward now." - E.S.

"Today, I spoke to my son's former counselor
(whom I was asking for a referral for
another counseling, which I did before I
found your ebook). I told her, “I think I
don't need it for now,” because I found your
site. I gave her your site and told her to
spread the word about your ebook, since
her job deals with parents and kids of
similar problems. In a week's time, I've seen
a great change. Now my 2nd son (AJ) asks
permission before he goes out of the house
and calls me when he can't come home on
the agreed time. I can also see some smiles
on his face little by little. Thanks again for
all the help!" - F.D.

"Just started reading your Ebook and
WOW, even if my daughter who is 14 is
not as bad as some, just dealing with small
issues compared to some,  I just have this
calming feeling that we are going to be o.k.
I started the techniques from Assignment 1
and already can see a look of astonishment
on my daughter's face." - W.A.

"I should mention our successes. Last week,
our son received a merit award at school
assembly for  his ‘amazing improvements’
in class. He was also sent to the headmaster
to show him a piece of creative writing he’d
done, which was beautiful, detailed and
above all way beyond what he was asked to
do (he had been doing absolute minimum,
and nowhere near what he is capable of).
The headmaster wrote him a note of
congratulations, which he proudly brought
home. Mark, I just want you to know this is
completely unprecedented. I believe it is
entirely due to the recent changes we’ve
made by following your program . As you
mentioned, it is going to take some time to
turn around behaviour that has become
habit over 11 years, and I’m sure there are
continuing challenges ahead, but we really
want to thank you this program, and the
insight and support it provides. Best
regards." - L.H.

"Thank you for your program.  I'm totally
desperate to fix this worsening situation in
our home. I was so stressed out before
finding your website and program, that
even after I purchased it (with scepticism),
it took all my energy to read Session 1. Now
I see all the things I am doing wrong (I'm a
text book case of the over-indulgent parent
and the queen of advance credit) and
realise there's hope - and we haven't tried
everything." - D.N.

"I just wanted to say THANK YOU. I was
trawling the WWW at 02.30 for some help
and found your sight and thought I would
have a look. I sat in tears listening to you it
was like you had stepped into my home and
seen the destruction, the tears became
tears of relief that I could possibly make a
change in my parenting that could help
change my children's behaviour and so I
signed up. It has taken me 2 weeks to get
thought the first chapter on to assignment
1 but I have already seen tiny creaks for
the better in all our behaviour. Assignment
1 starts today. Once again… thank you for
putting your expertise on the WWW as we
live in England. Although youth offending
team do a program like yours called tripe P,
it is too soft in its approach, so that I as a
parent disconnected with it." - E.B.

"I had problems with my 15-year-old
daughter last year and found your online
course. I can’t even begin to tell you how
helpful it was in turning my daughter
around.  I followed it up with a trip to
Uganda – just the 2 of us – for 15 days last
summer, which forced us to bond. It’s been
a great year this year and I want to thank
you for your huge part in that. No more
sleepless nights.  Your website gets lots of
referrals from me! I think your method
utilizing online courses and support groups
is brilliant. Warm regards." - M.H.

"I've already recommended this program
to several families. I do not believe this
program is for just out-of-control teens.
I think every parent can benefit from this
program. I wish I had access to something
like this when my children were young.
It would have saved us a lot of heart ache
now. You really need to franchise this
program to other areas. I would love to
attend a seminar, but live too far from you.
It would be great to have one in my area."
- K.P.

"Thank You Mark! Our prayers were
answered with your program/ministry.
We are gradually reclaiming control of our
family. THANK YOU for bringing love,
peace and harmony to our family once and
for all this time.  Yes there are still those
idle complaints here and there and the
occasional gnashing of teeth.  But this time
it is our kids and not us the parents whom
we find gnashing their teeth and
complaining.  That is a sign of order just
as God our Father has intended it to be.
THANK YOU!" - E.S.

"I just have to let you know that I just
started reading your book...I am in tears
as I am reading.  It is like you have been
hanging out in our home, watching us.  We
are on our 4th therapist in a 3 year period
and not one of them have seemed to have a
grasp on what we are dealing with, but
your first few chapters have summed us up
almost immediately.   I had to stop and say
thank you." - M.J.

"I am so thankful and blessed I found
your website.  I am incorporating your
suggestions into my life with my 15-year-
old daughter – and things are going so
much better.  We are both trying and,
though she still goes to counseling, I feel
like I have tools to work with her now.
Thanks a $$$million and God Bless You!"
- J.Y.

"I have been using your program for about
a month now, I am on chapter 3, and I
have to tell you----THANK YOU!!!!!   I
finally have had PEACE in my life.  My
children are doing their chores.  I have not
argued with my teenager (15) during all
this time. Life is good again, and I feel
confident and supported. My husband and
I were making mistakes without even
knowing.  I'll keep you posted. So far so
good!!!" - F.J.

"I started using the language and skills
suggested and WOW what a difference it's
making already! My most defiant child is
being positive, kind and respectful to me.
It's hard to change, but I'm convinced this
is going to work for my family. I've learned
that my actions have a direct effect on my
children, and when I show them respect I
get it right back! Thank you so much for
retraining me!" - T.K.

"I wanted to tell you how important a
resource your program was for me a few
years ago.  One of my sons is extremely
strong willed.  He was always a very good
student and athlete in high school but
started drinking and smoking pot, was
extremely rude and disrespectful to us and
oftentimes very angry.  During this time
I could never trust him.  He oftentimes
snuck out windows late at night.  It was a
very difficult situation for all of us.  Willing
to try anything, I scoured the internet and
came across your site.  This was the most
important purchase that I ever made
online.  I printed this manual out at home
and referenced it many, many times over
the next year or so.  My husband and I were
often not "on the same page" in dealing with
our son's behavior.  I would directly quote
your instructions to him anytime he tried
to let one of our son's bad behaviors slide.
Your program worked. We came to find out
much later that our son had been
experiencing severe anxiety and panic
attacks.  During one bad attack at school
he left the building, drove away and called
me.  Thank God he had the courage to
finally confide in me what he had been
experiencing for a long time. He finally
agreed to go to therapy which also helped
him tremendously (as long as you find the
right one).  My son is now in his second
year of college. He continues to be a
wonderful student and athlete, and I now
have my "old son" back. He is enjoying life
and is a delight to be around. He is still
very strong willed and always will be, but
that is now serving him well.  I can't thank
you enough.  You were the start of saving
my son's life and putting him back on
track.  My advice to any parent who is
having problems with their teens would be
to try to follow your program and don't
give up on your child.  It is worth all of the
effort! Thanks again." - A Forever Grateful
Mom

"My child had been on medication for ADD
for several years.  It never seemed to help
the way we hoped. His anger was out of
control and most of the walls in our home
had holes from him punching them.  He
was violent with his siblings and distant
from us. I found your program while
looking for a treatment facility to send him
away to.  I knew it was not safe for his
brother and sister if he stayed in our home.
About 2 and a half weeks into your
program we were able to take him off the
medication and he continued to improve.
(His doctor insisted we were making a huge
mistake and that medication was the only
way to help him.)  He is changing into a
more confident self-controlled person
thanks to your program. He used to scream
at me how much he hated me.  Now when
he does not get his way he will yell, “Why
are you such a good parent??? God, I love
you so much!!  Why can't you be a rotten
parent like my friends parents???” He will
try to sound angry, but he is letting me
know he is happier with the way things are
now.  He is learning to diffuse tense
situations as well.  We have both become
better people.  Thank you for giving me my
son back." - K.K.

More emails from parents...

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Frequently Asked Questions About Online Parent Support

FAQ:

1. What types of behavior problems are covered in the program?

Mark: “The Online Parent Support® (OPS) program will help you deal with most of the negative behaviors children and adolescents exhibit. I focus primarily on the behaviors that prevent a child from getting along with parents, teachers, siblings, etc., as well as those behaviors that may damage the child's future, mental health, and/or physical health. For example:

·        Acting-out sexually
·        Anger-control problems
·        Annoying siblings, classmates, etc.
·        Arguing with adults and other authority figures
·        Behavior problems at school
·        Blaming others for mistakes and misbehavior
·        Cigarette smoking
·        Destroying property
·        Disrespect
·        Experimenting with drugs or alcohol
·        Fighting
·        Getting suspended or expelled from school
·        Hanging with the wrong crowd
·        Harboring resentments
·        Having brushes with the law
·        Lying
·        Poor academic performance
·        Poor self-esteem
·        Refusing to comply with rules and requests
·        Running away from home
·        Skipping school
·        Staying out late at night without permission
·        Stealing
·        Talking back
·        Temper tantrums
·        Verbal & physical abuse toward parents and others

The techniques outlined in the program will help you in parenting ALL your children, not just those who are out-of-control.”

2. Do you have any outcome measures regarding the success rate of your program?

Mark: “We do track outcomes for the Parent Support Group (i.e., the live seminars), which if the offline version of OPS. The material presented during these seminars is exactly the same as the material presented online. The only difference is that individuals who attend the live seminar see me face-to-face and ask questions directly, whereas members of OPS see me in a series of Online Instructional Videos and ask questions via email.

Based on data collected since March of 2002, approximately 94% of participants report that (a) the child’s behavioral problems have reduced in frequency and severity and (b) the few remaining problems are manageable. Research of OPS has also shown:

·        Reduced screaming and name-calling
·        Reduced parental stress and anxiety
·        Reduced or eliminated spanking and hitting
·        Reduced child behavior problems
·        Increased parental confidence
·        Improved parenting skills
·        Improved parent-child relations
·        Improved child self-esteem
·        Improved child cooperation
·        Improved child adjustment
·        Improved child academic performance

The success rate for members of OPS is nearly identical to that of parents who attend the live seminars.”

3. Will this program work as effectively for an African American family, for example, as it does a Caucasian family?  In other words, is race an issue at all?

Mark: “There has been a great deal written about the effects of class, race, and ethnicity on parenting styles. Many of these studies have portrayed the parents in “non-dominant” groups and those with low socioeconomic status as deficient in parenting. The negative portrayal of parents who are members of non-dominant groups has occurred to a large extent because White, middle-class European American parenting styles have been used as the standard against which parenting styles are measured. Parenting styles that are viewed as less than optimal in one cultural context may be necessary to cope with the realities of another cultural context.

Most authors tend to write about the culture they know best. Because it is the predominant culture in this country, most authors of programs and books write about white, middle-class families. As a result, some programs may not be sensitive to the cultural differences of minority populations.  In the past ten years, there has been a rapid movement towards making programs more culturally relevant to different populations. We pay attention to how different cultures raise their kids – and have adapted OPS to match these differences.”

4. Can grandparents use the program?

Mark: “Yes. More and more grandparents are becoming the primary caretakers these days. Thus, they must take on a different role -- the role of parent. Many members of OPS are grandparents who have learned effective ways to deal with problem behavior that was beyond their wildest imagination -- behavior they had never witnessed in their own children. Whether you have big problems or small problems …teens, preteens or younger children …whether you are a single parent, divorced or separated parent, adoptive parent, foster parent, step parent, a traditional two-parent family, or a grandparent raising a grandchild …this material is guaranteed to work for you.”

5. What is the difference between conventional versus unconventional parenting techniques?

Mark: “Unconventional parenting strategies are simply those approaches to parenting that moms and dads do not typically think to use. We have to be creative when parenting strong-willed, out-of-control children and adolescents. In some cases, you will be instructed to do the last thing you would ever think to do first.

It is widely accepted by parent educators today that parenting patterns are learned in childhood and replicated later in life when children become parents. The experiences children have during the process of growing up have a significant impact on the attitudes, skills, and child-rearing practices they will use with their own children. However, when raising a child with oppositional defiant tendencies, typical parenting strategies (i.e., techniques your parents used when you were growing up) tend to make the child’s behavior problems worse. No parent is prepared, based on his/her past family-experience, to deal effectively with an above average level of defiant behavior. Parenting a strong-willed child does not come naturally. Regrettably, parents often waste years trying to figure out a way to ‘get through’ to this type of child.”

6. Can teachers, social workers, and other therapists use the information in the OPS program?

Mark: “Every adult who works with children in some shape/form/fashion will benefit from the strategies presented in OPS program. Hundreds of OPS members (as well as individuals who attend the live seminars) are now better equipped to deal with their difficult students, clients, and patients because they learned how to think outside the box and approach behavioral problems from a completely different angle. Clinicians, educators, therapists, etc., will receive five Continuing Education Units (5 CEUs) after completing the course and filling-out the program evaluation form at the end.”

7. Will this program meet the requirements for court-ordered parenting classes?

Mark: “Yes. OPS is endorsed by Madison Superior Court, Division II. Parents can receive a certificate of completion (upon request) after completing the course and filling-out the program evaluation at the end.”

8. Why an E-book rather than a regular book?

Mark: “We wanted the book to be digital (i.e., an eBook) so that parents could download it instantly – no waiting for shipment. Most parents who are struggling with their child’s behavior problems need answers immediately rather than in 3 to 10 days. Parents do not have to wait for a physical product (e.g., a book) to be shipped to their homes. Instead, they can begin programming within a matter of a few minutes.”

9. Is there a recurring monthly charge, and is there a time limit regarding how long parents can access the material?

Mark: “No. Members only pay a one-time fee of  $29.00, and there is no time limit. You can go at their own pace, access the material from multiple computers, and share your membership with other family members at no extra cost (e.g., spouse, ex-spouse, grandparents, etc.).”

10. Why only $29.00? The other programs out there are so much more expensive.

Mark: “Because there are no physical products. We have no inventory, and there is nothing to ship. All the video, audio and text are completely download-able. If we had to ship DVDs, CDs, and a hard copy of the book, the cost would be closer to $299.00.”

11. Can this program work for me if I’m divorced and my son’s father lets him get away with everything while at his home?

Mark: "Yes (you're referring to the Disneyland Dads). But I have to say, neither you nor your ex can control your child. Neither one of you can make your child spit, stand on his head, walk a straight line, or any other behavior for that matter. Thus, you will learn how to (a) stop trying to 'control' behavior, and instead (b) start 'influencing' her/him to make better choices. As a result, your child will take your 'influence' with him/her (so to speak), even when he/she goes over to dad's house."

12. How long will it take to see a positive change in my child's behavior?

Mark: "You should notice positive changes in your child – and in yourself – the very first day you use OPS parenting strategies. As you begin to implement the techniques outlined in the program, you will see even more significant, long lasting changes in your child’s behavior and attitude. Parenting your child will become easier -- and more enjoyable."

Bear in mind that if your child is, say, 13-years-old -- it has taken 13 years for the problems to get to this point. So it will take at least a few weeks to get the problems turned around. Most parents (90% plus) see permanent changes in their child's behavior within 4 weeks.

13. My child has a diagnosis (e.g., ADD, ADHD, ODD, Bipolar Disorder, Aspergers Syndrome, Reactive Attachment Disorder, etc.). Will it work for him?

Mark: “Definitely. Children rarely act-out for extended periods of time simply because they have a behavior problem. Most of these children have underlying, core issues that will need to be dealt with in advance of 'misbehavior'.  The OPS program is especially helpful -- and indeed necessary -- for children who are having these mental health issues.”

14. Is there anyone who shouldn’t use the program?

Mark: “Children with severe autism, profound mental retardation, and disorders that result in an inability to communicate will probably not benefit as much from the strategies outlined in the OPS program.”

15. What is the age range for this program?

Mark: “I've used the techniques and concepts in the OPS program successfully with children as young as 3 years of age – and as old as 19. The program has proven to be effective with children of any age, because it provides detailed guidelines to help parents create (in some cases spontaneously) the most effective approach for any given problem -- regardless of age, gender, or race. A popular parenting-myth is that one should parent differently depending on the child’s age. This is an example of the misinformation floating around. You would certainly want to use different language depending on the child’s developmental stage (e.g., you don’t want to use big words with a 3-year-old), but parents should basically parent the same way whether their child is 3, 13, or 23.”

16. What if the program doesn’t work for me?

Mark: “Then we will refund 100% of your purchase price ($29.00).

If you will work the program, the program will work for you – especially if you take full advantage of the parent-coaching aspect of OPS. Our third-party researcher who conducts ongoing 'outcome measures' of OPS reveals that, of those random members who are polled, approximately 94% report that:

•  the child's behavioral problems have reduced in frequency (i.e., the number of episodes of parent-child conflict that occurs within any given week)
• the child's behavioral problems have reduced in severity (i.e., the intensity of the parent-child conflict)
• the few remaining problems are easily managed by the parent.

It should be noted that we rarely get requests for refunds – in fact, quite the opposite. We frequently receive emails from parents who feel as though they have 'under-paid' for this service because of the huge benefit received.”

17. Can I order this program even though I live in Australia?

Mark: "Yes. The program is all online - so your geographical location is not an issue. Nearly 70% of OPS members are from outside the United States."

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Defiant Behavior versus Normal Teenage Rebellion

Many families of defiant teens live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur because teens are naturally rebellious, to a degree. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. 

 

We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our teenager. But what does it cost us?

There is a significant difference between normal teenage rebellion versus defiance:

• Defiant teens are destructive and disagreeable by nature
• They like to push their parents' anger-buttons
• Every request results in a power struggle
• Lying is a daily habit, and stealing is a favorite hobby
• Getting others to react strongly pleases and amuses them
• They blame others for their mistakes and misbehavior
• And they have no remorse for the hurtful things they say and do

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a defiant child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent -- are the one with the problem. Parents of defiant teens are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive. Where does that leave a parent?

Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of her/his teenager.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of the defiant teen -- he/she sees YOU, the parent, as the enemy. Small expectations on the parent's part can set the defiant teen off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.

Your home becomes a war-zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities -- and your own sanity. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your troubled teen. You want him/her to have a fulfilling life and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous effects on our well-being, literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

In parenting a defiant teenager, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope.

The strains a defiant teen puts on your family can be enormous.

Effects on the family:

• A defiant teen will play one parent off the other, which could result in  a rift between parents.
• Dreams of the perfect, loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a family with a defiant child can become quite dysfunctional.
• Due to the child’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
• Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration.
• Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with defiant children.
• Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened.
• Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the defiant child takes up so much of the parent’s time.

Defiant teens are not bad -- but they are very intense.  And they seek intensity from others as well -- especially their parents!

Unfortunately, they have discovered that their parents are the most intense and exciting when things are going wrong.  What parents may have viewed as punishment for their defiant child was actually a reward (i.e., he/she received a bigger payoff for misbehavior).

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A partial list of typical (and mostly ineffective) parenting strategies...

Below is a partial list of typical parenting strategies. Parents have found these strategies to have little or no effect on their out-of-control child's behavior:

• Trying to "reason" with the child
• Having "heart-to-heart" talks
• Confrontation or being "assertive"
• Grounding
• Taking away privileges
• Time-outs
• Counseling
• Having the child go live with his/her other parent (if parents are separated or divorced)
• Trying to be a nicer parent
• Trying to be a tougher parent
• Having another family member "talk" to the child (e.g., aunt or uncle)  
• "Giving in" and letting the child have her/his way
• Verbal warnings
• Ignoring misbehavior
• Medication
• Threatening to call the police
• Calling the police
• and so on...

Your out of control children will NEVER work for what YOU want.  But will they work for what THEY want? I'll show you how this works in my eBook.

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The Parent-Teen Support Group is Now Available Online

"I've tried everything --
counseling, taking away privileges, grounding --
and nothing works with this child!"

When parents have finally had enough disrespect and behavior problems with their child, they come to my office to file an incorrigibility charge  (i.e., a legal complaint due to the child being unruly and delinquent in the home).

At this point I ask the parent, "Would you be willing to try something else first before we consider filing the charge."  And most parents agree they would rather not involve their child in the "juvenile justice system" unless they absolutely have to. So I get the parent involved in my parent-program called Parent-Teen Support Group.

In this group, which meets 90 minutes each session for 4 sessions, we look at a set of highly effective unconventional parenting strategies to use with their strong-willed, out-of-control unconventional child.

I follow up with these parents weeks and months after they complete programming, and 85% to 95% of parents:

• are able to avoid involving their child in the juvenile court system
• report that problems in the home and school have reduced in frequency and severity
• report that the few remaining problems are manageable

Now the Parent-Teen Support Group is available to you.  And you don't even have to leave your house to participate. 

The online version of this group is called Online Parent Support. You can access all 4 sessions at anytime ...you can go at your own pace ...and there is no time limit.

Your child's behavior is never going to be perfect, but it can be a whole lot better than it is now. I guarantee it -- or your money back and you keep the eBook!

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Here are just some of the teen behavior problems you'll find solutions to when you join Online Parent Support...

What to do when your child:

• Abuses alcohol
• Abuses drugs
• Applies guilt trips
• Applies insults
• Argues with adults
• Believes the rules don't apply to him/her
• Blames others for his/her behavior
• Blames others for his/her problems
• Calls you terrible names (e.g., "f___ing bitch")
• Deliberately annoys people
• Destroys property in the house
• Does not feel responsible for his/her actions
• Does not take “no” for an answer
• Engages in self-injury or cutting
• Feels entitled to privileges
• Gets caught shoplifting
• Gets into trouble with the law
• Gets suspended or expelled from school
• Has a learning disability (e.g., ADHD)
• Has an eating disorder
• Has been sexually abused
• Has frequent anger outbursts
• Has problems with authority figures
• Has problems with siblings
• Is a bully at school or in the neighborhood
• Is depressed
• Is failing academically
• Is getting into trouble on the Internet
• Is grieving the loss of a family member or friend
• Is hanging with the wrong crowd
• Is having unprotected sex
• Is manipulative and deceitful
• Is physically aggressive
• Is resentful and vindictive
• Is touchy and easily annoyed by others
• Is verbally abusive
• Is very disrespectful
• Lacks motivation
• Leaves the house without permission
• Lies
• Refuse to do chores
• Refuses to follow rules
• Runs away from home
• Skips school
• Smokes cigarettes
• Slips out at night while you are asleep
• Steals
• Suffers with ADHD
• Suffers with Asperger's Syndrome or High-Functioning Autism
• Suffers with Bi-Polar Disorder
• Suffers with Conduct Disorder
• Suffers with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
• Suffers with Reactive Attachment Disorder
• Teases or manipulates others
• Threatens suicide
• Uses excessive profanity

...and much more!

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Helping Adolescents Make Better Choices: 20 Tips for Parents

Throughout adolescence, your teenager will be confronted with many difficult circumstances where choosing to make a safe and healthy choice may not be the easiest or most obvious thing to do. Peer-pressure may factor heavily into the choice-making process regarding numerous serious issues (e.g., drinking alcohol at parties, trying drugs, having sex, joining gangs, etc.).

It’s normal for adolescents to challenge their moms and dads' values and beliefs as a way to “test the system” and seek autonomy. Adolescents need support and “guidance” from their moms and dads to make important choices about their future. However, the more “controlling” you are, the more rebellious your adolescent is likely to become.

As a mother or father, being present to protect your adolescent from circumstances that could potentially hurt him will always be an intense urge that often can’t be realistically fulfilled. As your teenager grows older, parenting becomes less about control and more about offering guidance. You can help support your adolescent in making responsible choices by providing a solid foundation built upon sharing your time, experience, values and trust.

How to help your teenage son or daughter make better choices:

1. Adolescents sometimes believe they don't have any choice in the outcome of difficult circumstances. Help your adolescent to see alternatives that may be smarter, more responsible options.

2. Allow your adolescent to describe the problem or situation in his own words.

3. Allow your adolescent to live and learn from mistakes.

4. Allow your adolescent to make a choice and carry it out, and ask if he has a plan. Remember, your adolescent may make different choices than you would prefer. Then later, ask him how things worked out. What did he learn from the choice he made?

5. Allow your teen to voice her personal opinions.

6. Ask questions that avoid "yes" or "no" responses. These questions usually begin with "how," "why," or "what."

7. Ask your teen how she “feels” about the problem.

8. Be open and understanding whenever your adolescent needs to talk.

9. Be supportive, especially when your teen makes mistakes.

10. Define what constitutes a safe or smart choice. Help your adolescent understand that her health is often the most important factor involved in choice-making.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Give your teen unconditional love – and show it.

12. Help your adolescent to identify and compare the possible consequences of all of the available choices. Explain (without lecturing) the consequences of different choices. How will the results affect your adolescent's goals (e.g., how would smoking affect playing on the soccer team?).

13. Help your teen set realistic goals, and show faith in his ability to reach those goals.

14. Involve your teen in choices that affect the entire family.

15. Praise your adolescent when she makes a good choice.

16. Really listen to what your adolescent is saying instead of thinking about your responses.

17. Remember that adolescents with high self-esteem and self-respect are more likely to make responsible choices.

18. Talk with your adolescent about ways to handle risky circumstances (e.g., peer pressure to drink, smoke, have sex, or get in a fight, etc.) to prepare her to make safer choices. To feel comfortable talking openly with you, your adolescent needs to know that you will not punish her for being honest.

19. Try to put yourself in your adolescent's shoes to understand his thoughts and feelings.

20. Whenever your adolescent comes to talk to you regarding a choice she is currently facing, make the most out of the opportunity. Your approach to any discussion has a real impact on whether or not your adolescent feels comfortable coming to talk to you in the future. Convey to your adolescent that you want to help, but won't try to control the situation by taking the choice out of her hands or making the choice for her. 

Choice-making grows stronger each time a teenager has to figure out a tricky situation on his own – making a poor choice, facing the consequences for the poor choice, and then reliving a similar situation again with a new set of choices gathered from the first unsuccessful experience. For some teens, it may take several of these unsuccessful experiences before they figure out the successful framework to make different and more positive choices to arrive at a more fulfilling conclusion that propels them in the right direction.

These situations crop up every day (e.g., at school, at recess, at lunch, on the bus, in extracurricular activities, in email and other forms of electronic media, etc.). There is no way for parents to be present in each and every one of these settings -- and they should NOT be there for every interaction, because if they were, their teens would never have the room to gain those experiences they need for healthy development.

Moms and dads need to allow their teens to "practice, practice, practice" in order to learn, and they need to avoid the temptation to come to their rescue each time they make a mstake. Practice letting go, stepping back, and being present only when you need to be.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents