Teaching Adult Children To Be Independent

Your adult child just graduated from college. He isn’t sure he knows what to do, and he is asking you for money every few weeks. How do you cut the purse strings and teach him to be independent? 

Here are some tips to help your adult child be more independent:

Be There— While I am not recommending that you are there with open wallet any time your adult child has a financial crisis, you can and need to be there to listen and offer advice where it is required. Helping your adult child out by listening and providing emotional support is just as important and better for them in the long run.

Remember back to your own early days out on your own. It may have been hard, you may have “borrowed” an awful lot shampoo from your roommate, but you survived it, and your adult child will too.

Gone, but Not Gone— What about the adult child who IS out on her own, but is still relying on mom and dad for financial assistance? Perhaps the job doesn’t pay enough for rent, utilities, car payment, and insurance. Continuing to pay for things like car and health insurance can actually help the adult child out in the long run; lower premiums and deductibles are in place when an young adult remains on the parents’ policies. (Of course, some companies - mostly health insurance companies - require that the adult child be enrolled in college full-time. It’s worth the effort to check this out!) If she can’t afford to pay the premiums, then she might be able to work it off – painting her old room, helping take care of grandma’s yard, cleaning out the garage, etc.

The important thing is to remember that you are trying to teach financial independence and responsibility, not bank-roll her life. It’s supposed to be hard, at first. She doesn’t have to live in a posh apartment complex, just a safe one. He doesn’t need all new furniture; something clean, serviceable, and not hideous is all that’s required in the beginning.

Have a Game Plan— In an ideal world, when adult child graduates from college, she is ready to claim a place in society. An apartment, a job, car, and understanding of fiscal responsibilities are all necessary to cope as an independent adult child. However, most of us don’t live in an ideal world, and due to any number of possible circumstances, your adult child isn’t quite able to face these challenges with confidence and independence. What to do? Well, first of all, unless you want a 35-year-old daughter taking up space years from now when you’re ready to retire, you’ve got to make a plan.

Some people may subscribe to the “Tough Love” approach – that is, no more money from parents once he’s got that diploma is his hot little hand. A bit ruthless, maybe, but chances are if you’re reading this, it’s not the option for you or your newly independent adult child. You do, however, see the benefit of weaning her from your bank account before she gives you grandchildren, so a plan is definitely in order.

Move It On Out— In addition to this financial meeting, you also need to decide how long your welcome mat will be out. Discuss with your adult child how long he feels the need to continue living at home. For many individuals, the idea of having to pay bills to one’s mother and father is enough of an impetus to get us out the door. For others, though, it’s not, and some incentive (like a deadline, not a cash reward!) is required.

The Small Stuff— If you’re going to help your adult child learn to do things on his own, a “small stuff” approach may be the answer. If he hasn’t gotten his “dream job”, encourage him to get a job that can at least pay the bills while he’s looking. If he’s still living at home, charging rent, a portion of the utilities and part of the grocery bill is appropriate. Sit down together with your wife (or girlfriend) and decide AHEAD OF TIME what you want your adult child to pay for. These expenses are not negotiable; present them to him as ironclad.

Flexibility in what he pays for will not teach him anything. The landlord of his first apartment will not care whether or not he had enough hours on the clock this month to make her rent. Once you’ve decided on the minimum requirements, sit down together and go over your expectations. Make sure to present your offer in a rational manner. YOU are the owner of the house. YOU are in charge. And it is your duty to help this adult child get out on his own.

==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents of Defiant Teens

File Charges Against Your Own Daughter?!

Five days ago I found several receipts where my 17 yo daughter (will be 18 in 3 mos.) has used my debit card to take money from our bank account. I also found a check where she forged my husband’s name. She admitted to it. We told her we were either going to send her away to get help for this and all the other problems she is involved in OR that we were going to file charges against her.

She emailed us after the confrontation (where we both remained poker faced). She begged not to be sent away, acknowledged that she needed to changed, and took verbal responsibility for her actions and apologized for blaming us for her behavior. Yeah, very heartwarming, but as you say, and as I already know: THEY LIE.

Now my husband has changed his mind and does not want to follow thru with filing charges. He does not want to get involved in the "system". My heart does not want to put her thru the ordeal of filing charges etc., but my intellect says she must face the consequences and that it is better to face them now as a juvenile rather than LATER as an adult.

SO.......is getting involved with the "system" the best consequence or should we do a 3 day grounding and have her work at home to pay us back for the money she spent (~$100)....or both?......or something else? (By the way....last night she took my husband’s cell phone---she currently has no cell phone privileges---and she ran up 50 text messages...and of course WE pay for that service so that is AGAIN what I consider stealing).

Click here for my response...

Interview with Mark Hutten, M.A. [Parent Coach]

Question 1: 

 

In what way do parenting and parent-child relationships differ from late childhood (age 10-11 years) through mid-adolescence (15 years)?

Although moms are less involved in kid's school activity as they grow older, kids feel their parents continue to provide school support in other ways. Moms & dads of older kids do not report different parenting practices than parents of younger kids. Nonetheless, as they grow older, kids feel the quality of their relationship with parents declines. Older kids report that their moms & dads understand them less and that they argue with parents significantly more. Older kids feel their moms & dads are less warm and more rejecting, and feel less at ease confiding in their moms and their dads than younger kids. 

Question 2: 

How do child adjustment and social relationships change over this period?

Age changes in social relationships were consistent across the two samples. Smoking, alcohol use and affiliation with peers who use drugs increase with age whereas self-esteem decreases. Older kids are less likely to use helmets and seat belts than younger kids. The quality of sibling relationships remains stable, but older kids have more positive relationships with friends than younger kids. Older kids are less victimized by others and feel safer around school than younger kids. 

Question 3: 

Do parenting practices, parent-child relationships and child adjustment differ for males and females during this period of development?

Moms & dads report similar practices in parenting sons and daughters. Nonetheless, females perceive their moms & dads as less rejecting and warmer than males. Males and females are equally at ease confiding in their moms, but females confide less in their dads than males. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Question 4: 

Do effective parenting practices contribute to a positive parent-child relationship and, in turn, to healthy child development?

Harsher parenting (more yelling and use of physical punishment, less reasoning) leads kids to feel their moms & dads are more rejecting and cold toward them. How kids perceive their relationship with their moms & dads is related to child adjustment. Kids who enjoy a more positive relationship with their moms & dads are more likely to invest in school, to use seat belts and helmets, and to experience fewer serious injuries. They have higher self-esteem, feel less depressed and are less anxious. Kids who perceive their moms & dads as more rejecting are more likely to smoke and use alcohol; they are more aggressive, bully others more, commit more property offenses and affiliate more with deviant friends. They are also more likely to be victimized by others. 

Question 5:

 Do parenting practices influence child adjustment differently for females versus males or for younger versus older kids?

Overall, females are less aggressive, commit fewer property offenses, bully others less and are less often victimized by others than males. Moreover, although females have lower self-esteem and more internalizing problems, they have better relationships with friends, are more pro-social and are more involved in school than males. Nonetheless, the impact of parenting practices on females and males is similar. Parenting is also associated with adjustment in younger and older kids in similar ways. That is, for both females and males of all ages, angry, arbitrary parenting (i.e. low use of reasoning) is associated with a poorer parent-child relationship (i.e. child perceptions of moms & dads as less warm and more rejecting) which in turn is associated with poor child adjustment. 

Question 6: 

Do the influences of parenting and/or the quality of the parent-child relationship differ in social contexts traditionally thought to put kids at risk for maladjustment?

Although few social contexts (i.e. maternal education, family income, maternal employment and single-parent family) directly affect child adjustment, some influence the quality of parent-child relationships. Kids of moms with less education and kids in families with lower income tend to perceive their relationships with their moms & dads more negatively. These negative perceptions in turn are associated with poorer adjustment. Maternal employment and single-parent status do not affect child adjustment independent of parenting and the parent-child relationship. 

Question 7: 

Is there evidence that relationships with moms and dads differ in their contribution to adjustment?

Daughters and sons feel equally at ease confiding in their moms, but daughters confide less in their dads than sons. Kids who feel comfortable confiding in their dads are better adjusted in a number of ways. 

Question 8: 

Is adolescence naturally a period of strife and storm?

A vulnerability to negative health outcomes increases between late childhood and mid-adolescence. Adolescence is a challenging developmental period. Transition to high school is frequently associated with increased vulnerability to low self-esteem and feelings of incompetence, combined with greater risk for depression and antisocial behavior. Engagement in some types of delinquent activity is normative during adolescence and may be related to adolescent exploration of social rules and norms. Social pressures on teens to conform to peer group expectations also contribute to engagement in delinquent activity.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Most teens do not suffer from significant negative health outcomes. The quality of parent-child relationships plays an important role in adolescent adjustment. Secure attachment is important in providing a safe haven during times of stress and in promoting exploration during times of growth. Evidence shows that secure attachment buffers teens from the stress associated with transitions such as high school entry. Teens benefit from parental accessibility for emotional support, structure and monitoring regarding their engagement in delinquent behavior and their association with peers who support this behavior. 

Question 9: 

In what ways do moms & dads contribute to healthy adolescent development?

Parenting practices are an important determinant of adjustment in late childhood and adolescence. Moms & dads who use harsh discipline are perceived by their kids as cold and more rejecting. Kids who perceive their moms & dads as cold and more rejecting suffer from a wide range of poorer adjustment outcomes, including aggression, bullying, property offenses, smoking and alcohol use.

Teens need to feel that their moms & dads are engaged and supportive of them. Teens are more independent than kids in many aspects of their lives. Nonetheless, parents should support their teens by remaining psychologically available to them while, at the same time, fostering their autonomy. Specific parenting skills include warmth, acceptance of individuality, active listening, behavior monitoring, limit setting and negotiation. 

Question 10: 

Do moms and dads each play important roles in promoting healthy child adjustment?

The data limited how deeply we could investigate the unique roles of moms and dads in determining the adjustment of their kids. Nonetheless, our findings point out that dads play an important role in child adjustment, but that females find it harder than males to confide in their dads. If families can take steps to support the relationship between dads and daughters, females may benefit from this. 

Question 11: 

Is the influence of parenting on child adjustment the same in high- versus low-risk contexts? Do some factors like poverty and maternal employment cause poor child adjustment independent of what moms & dads do?

Many moms & dads worry that their child may suffer because of low family income or maternal employment. Our findings show that the impact of risk factors like low income and low maternal education on child adjustment is related in large part to how these risk factors influence parenting practices. 

Question 12: 

Are females or males more vulnerable during adolescence? Do moms & dads need to use different strategies in parenting their daughters versus their sons?

Some differences in child adjustment were observed between females and males. Nonetheless, the impact of parenting was similar for females and males. Effective parenting produces positive outcomes for both females and males alike.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parenting is important for adjustment in adolescence. A common misperception in society is that adolescence is a time of moving toward detachment from moms & dads. Many moms & dads believe that because the amount of time that teens spend with their families decreases dramatically, parents no longer matter and have little effect on how their teens function. Our findings show that although parent-child relationships undergo transformation during adolescence, the adjustment of teens depends in good measure on the quality of their relationships with their moms & dads. Moms & dads need to recognize the continued importance of their relationship with their teens, despite the changes that occur in the nature of their interactions.

Recommendations for parents:

• Teens need to feel that their moms & dads are engaged and supportive of them. Teens are more independent than kids in many aspects of their lives. Nonetheless, they require ongoing parental support in terms of moms & dads remaining open to communication and responsive if help is needed, while, at the same time, fostering adolescent autonomy. Specific parenting skills include warmth, acceptance of individuality, active listening, behavior monitoring, limit setting and negotiation.
• Kids are more vulnerable to adjustment problems in adolescence than in childhood. Moms & dads need to anticipate that their adolescent requires increased support during periods of transition, such as entry into high school.
• Obviously, adolescent adjustment is also determined by factors outside the family and the parent-child relationship. Even though moms & dads may only indirectly affect how peers, romantic partners and other social influences determine the adjustment of their kids, moms & dads' support through the stressful challenges of adolescence remains important.
• Moms & dads need to recognize the continued importance of their relationship with their teens. Although the parent-child relationship undergoes transformation during adolescence, the adjustment of teens depends in good measure on the quality of their relationship with their moms & dads.
• Parents need to recognize the special role of dads in supporting the well-being of their kids. Dads' increased psychological support of daughters may be particularly beneficial to them.
 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

A quote from an interview with Mark Hutten [Psychology Today]

“Strong-willed, out-of-control children will rehabilitate themselves when they are ready, and not a minute sooner. They will change their behavior when – and only when – they choose to. The job of parents is not to get children to obey. It is to simply teach them that responsible behavior results in one sort of consequence while irresponsible behavior results in quite another. Oppositional, defiant kids refuse to accept this fundamental reality until they are forced to experience a significant degree of discomfort related to their poor choices. Discomfort comes from parents’ implementation of tough love – and unfortunately, tough love is often tougher on the parent than the child, especially if the parent has adopted an over-indulgent parenting style over the years.” 

My Out-of-Control Teen

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• How to diffuse an especially explosive situation through humor, flexibility, and the ability to think outside the box
• How to get your teen to communicate with you again, even if all he ever says anymore is "Nothing"
• How to manage hot points such as clothes, driving, Internet, and other topics
• How to understand the way your teenager perceives the world
• What you should never say to your teen
• Why your teenager needs you more than ever - even if he acts otherwise - find out more

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Parenting adolescents can be extremely frustrating at times, but you are not alone.

Although there is no magic bullet that will make teens act differently, you can achieve the same drastic change by learning how to deal with and approach your teenager in order to get the results you want.

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After 20 years of performing home-based family therapy, Mark set out to understand the mind of the strong-willed, out-of-control teen in order to help parents create a better relationship with their teenagers. Not only did he get answers, he got results.

Mark’s eBook entitled “My Out-of-Control Teen” is the all time best selling eBook in ClickBank, and his "live" seminars are widely acclaimed.

==> Learn More

The Difference Between "Punishment" and "Discipline"

"You talk about discipline is better than punishment. What’s the difference?"

Here are some characteristics and results of using a “punishment-based” parenting style (rather than “discipline-based”):

• Children learn that they better not get caught when misbehaving, and if they don’t get caught there will be no punishment.
• Children who are usually punished have a hard time trusting. They may react with anger and isolate themselves from their parents.
• Consequences are inconsistent and unpredictable. As a child, my wife was never sure if she would get into trouble for a certain behavior. As a result, she took the risk, because in her words, she had a 50-50 chance of getting away with it. When she was caught, the punishment was often severe - or not enforced at all. A week grounding usually only lasted two days before her parents forget or grew tired of her being around the house and sent her off to play.
• In punishment-based parenting, few words of explanation are given by the parent, often leaving children confused and unsure of the behavior that warranted the punishment.
• Parents do not recognize the difference between mistakes and misbehavior. Both receive punishment.
• Punishment is given out of anger or frustration. It is often excessive - and the parent is not in control.

And now here are some characteristics and results of using a discipline-based parenting style:

• Children learn values that are generalized to other situations. For example, treating a sibling nicely at home carries over to classmates at school.
• Discipline-based parents realize the difference between mistakes and misbehavior or challenges to their authority. Mistakes are not disciplined. For example, a child should not be punished for accidentally spilling food on the floor or tracking mud in the house.
• Parents and children communicate. When the child misbehaves, the parent explains why the child is being punished and asks for a reason why the child misbehaves.
• Parents are consistent. When a child misbehaves, he always receive consequences for his behavior. When possible, the consequences are pre-determined and match the misbehavior.
• The results of discipline-based parenting include closeness and trust between parent and child.
• When a parent disciplines, they are still in control of their emotions. I remember being spanked by my dad as a child. He would take me in the living room and calmly explain why I was being spanked. Then he would lay me over his knee and swat me on the rear. Then he would tell me he loved me. He was always in control.

Hope that clarifies!

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How Parents Can Help With Teen Depression

Depression is very damaging when left untreated, so don’t wait and hope that the symptoms will go away. Even if you’re unsure that depression is the issue, the troublesome behaviors and emotions you’re seeing in your adolescent are signs of a problem. Whether or not that problem turns out to be depression, it still needs to be addressed—the sooner the better.

The first thing you should do if you suspect depression is to talk to your adolescent about it. In a loving and non-judgmental way, share your concerns with your adolescent. Let her know what specific signs of depression you’ve noticed and why they worry you. Then encourage your child to open up about what she is going through.

Here are some very specific steps to follow:

• Avoid the blame game. It can be easy to blame yourself or another family member for your adolescent’s depression, but it only adds to an already stressful situation. Furthermore, depression is normally caused by a number of factors, so it’s unlikely—except in the case of abuse or neglect—that any loved one is “responsible”.

• Be open with the family. Don’t tiptoe around the issue of adolescent depression in an attempt to “protect” the other kids. Children know when something is wrong. When left in the dark, their imaginations will often jump to far worse conclusions. Be open about what is going on and invite your kids to ask questions and share their feelings.

• Be understanding. Living with a depressed adolescent can be difficult and draining. At times, you may experience exhaustion, rejection, despair, aggravation, or any other number of negative emotions. During this trying time, it’s important to remember that your child is not being difficult on purpose. Your adolescent is suffering, so do your best to be patient and understanding.

• Don’t give up if your adolescent shuts you out at first. Talking about depression can be very tough for adolescents. Be respectful of your child’s comfort level while still emphasizing your concern and willingness to listen.

• Don’t try to talk adolescents out of their depression, even if their feelings or concerns appear silly or irrational to you. Simply acknowledge the pain and sadness they are feeling. If you don’t, they will feel like you don’t take their emotions seriously.

• Encourage physical activity. Encourage your adolescent to stay active. Exercise can go a long way toward relieving the symptoms of depression, so find ways to incorporate it into your adolescent’s day. Something as simple as walking the dog or going on a bike ride can be beneficial.

• Encourage social activity. Isolation only makes depression worse, so encourage your adolescent to see friends and praise efforts to socialize. Offer to take your adolescent out with friends or suggest social activities that might be of interest, such as sports, after-school clubs, or an art class.

• Learn about depression. Just like you would if your child had a disease you knew very little about, read up on depression so that you can be your own “expert.” The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to help your depressed adolescent. Encourage your adolescent to learn more about depression as well. Reading up on their condition can help depressed adolescents realize that they’re not alone and give them a better understanding of what they’re going through.

• Let depressed adolescents know that you’re there for them, fully and unconditionally. Hold back from asking a lot of questions (adolescents don’t like to feel patronized or crowded), but make it clear that you’re ready and willing to provide whatever support they need.

• Reach out for support. Get the emotional support you need. Reach out to friends, join a support group, or see a therapist of your own. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, helpless, or angry. The important thing is to talk about how your adolescent’s depression is affecting you, rather than bottling up your emotions.

• Remember the siblings. Depression in one child can cause stress or anxiety in other family members, so make sure “healthy” kids are not ignored. Siblings may need special individual attention or professional help of their own to handle their feelings about the situation.

• Resist any urge to criticize or pass judgment once your adolescent begins to talk. The important thing is that your child is communicating. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or ultimatums as well.

• Stay involved in treatment. Make sure your adolescent is following all treatment instructions and going to therapy. It’s especially important that your child takes any prescribed medication as instructed. Track changes in your adolescent’s condition, and call the doctor if depression symptoms seem to be getting worse.

• Take care of yourself. In order to help a depressed adolescent, you need to stay healthy and positive yourself, so don’t ignore your own needs. The stress of the situation can affect your own moods and emotions, so cultivate your well–being by eating right, getting enough sleep, and making time for things you enjoy.

If your adolescent claims nothing is wrong, but has no explanation for what is causing the depressed behavior, you should trust your instincts. Remember that denial is a strong emotion. Furthermore, adolescents may not believe that what they’re experiencing is the result of depression. If you see depression’s warning signs, seek professional help. Neither you nor your adolescent is qualified to either diagnosis depression or rule it out, so see a doctor or psychologist who can.

==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents with Defiant Teens

Children and Head-Banging

"Help, my son is 2, he has been head banging since he was 1,we first tried to associate it with his teething, and earaches, after he got tubes he started doing better, but the past 2weeks have been horrible, we go into the bank and he bangs his head on the glass door until I’m scared it’ll break, we go to the grocery store and he bangs his mouth on the buggy until he busts his lip, he’s got a fat lip and a huge knot on the side of his head from just today, I’m very worried, he’s is also very under-active and he lays around most of the day."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My firstborn son would bang his head quite often and not just during a tantrum. When he was tired he would sit on the couch and bang his head against the back of the couch in a rocking motion. I became concerned and spoke with the doctor. He told me it was just a nervous habit and there was nothing to worry about. He also told me that my son would grow out of it. Well he didn't, at least not completely. Even as an adult, he sometimes sleeps on his stomach and bangs his head during his sleep.

There are moments in a youngster's development that engender fear in her moms and dads: those weeks before she was born when we wonder if she will really be okay, those moments after you have handed her car keys and she drives off with her boyfriend. For moms and dads whose kids develop head banging, this is one of those moments.

Every week someone mentions this concern to me (usually in an off-hand way) and then watches to see if I am alarmed. The unspoken fear: autism.

Up to 20 percent of healthy kids are head-bangers for a time. Head-banging appears in the latter half of the first year of life and generally ends spontaneously by four years of age. Boys are three or four times more likely to be head-bangers than girls.

The youngster seems compelled to rhythmically move his head against a solid object such as a wall or the side of a crib. Often he rocks his entire body. For most kids it occurs at sleepy times or when upset (often as part of tantrums). This behavior can last for minutes at a time -- or sometimes for hours. It can even continue once the youngster has fallen asleep.

Moms and dads' fear of autism makes sense. Head-banging, head-rolling, and body rocking are each far more common in autistic kids. But these rhythmic motor activities are also normal behaviors in healthy infants and young kids (and young monkeys for that matter!). This behavior is abnormal, though, if it persists beyond the early years. Any youngster who is still head-banging beyond three years of age deserves further evaluation.

How can one tell if the head-banging is a part of normal development or an early sign of autism?

Researchers at Cambridge University have found an easy and early way to detect autism. Three hallmark behaviors are the key signs:

1. Lack of gaze-following -- by fourteen months, infants will often turn to look in the same direction an adult is looking.

2. Lack of pointing -- by fourteen months of age most kids will point at objects in order to get another person to look.

3. Lack of pretend play -- by fourteen months kids will begin to play using object substitution, e.g. pretending to comb the hair with a block.

All three behaviors are typically absent in kids with autism.

If a youngster begins even one of these three behaviors by 18 months, the chances of ever developing true autism are vanishingly small.

Why do children without autism bang their heads?

Many theories have been put forward to explain this common behavior. Perhaps the rocking and even the head-banging provide a form of pleasure related to the movement. This joy in movement is called our kinesthetic drive. All infants are rocked by their mothers when they are carried about in utero. Later on, they enjoy being held and rocked in moms and dads' arms. Movement activities continue as children grow: the pleasure of jump rope, swings, slides, amusement park rides (bumper cars!) and dancing. These activities all engage the vestibular system of the brain.

The amount and type of movement that provides pleasure varies from youngster to youngster.

Children who are under-stimulated (those who are blind, deaf, bored, or lonely) head bang for stimulation. But kids who are over-stimulated (in an overwhelming environment) find these rhythmic movements soothing. These are some of the reasons why we see more head banging in children with developmental delays or neglect.

For some kids, head-banging is a way to release tension and prepare for sleep. Some children head-bang for relief when they are teething or have an ear infection. Some children bang their heads out of frustration or anger, as in a temper tantrum. Head-banging is an effective attention-seeking maneuver. The more reaction kids get from moms and dads or other adults, the more likely they are to continue this habit.

Generally, healthy kids do not head-bang in order to injure themselves.

Will they hurt themselves?

Little ones don't seriously injure themselves from this habit. Pain prevents them from banging too hard, but even if it didn't, kids under 3 don't generate enough force to cause brain damage or neurologic problems. The front or front/side of the head is the most frequently struck. Child heads are built to take all of the minor head trauma that is a normal part of learning to walk and climb. Healthy infants and children who are head-bangers grow up to be coordinated and completely normal kids.

How can you get head-banging to stop?

Most kids will outgrow the habit on their own. You can speed up this process by reacting to it in a matter-of-fact way. Pretend not to notice. And if it is part of a tantrum, do not give her whatever she threw the tantrum to get. When you notice her head-banging, you might be able to get her to stop for the moment by distracting her or engaging her in a different activity. By decreasing the amount of time she spends in this habitual activity, she will outgrow it more quickly.

Will it affect their development?

Curiously, one large study of this habit in 525 healthy kids found head-bangers to be measurably advanced in their gross motor development compared to their peers. Specifically, this study of kids who body-rock, head-bang, and head-roll found that body-rocking and head-banging behavior was associated with a statistically significant difference in gross motor development. For kids who head-bang, the study showed they were able to hold their head up without support and walk without support earlier than kids who do not head-bang. So, the very behavior that was frightening could be a sign of something positive.

Now, of course, this doesn’t mean that teaching our kids to head-bang will make them smarter! But this study reminds us that stimulating our kid’s bodies and minds from an early age can have a profound impact on their development.

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Teens and Sugar Addiction

"My 15 year old daughter seems addicted to sugar. Her terrible diet is affecting her in a very bad way...mood swings, very poor concentration, etc."

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Ideas to stop sugar cravings—

Here are some tips for your daughter that will help curb her appetite for sugary foods:

• Always eat a good, hearty breakfast! Do not think that skipping breakfast will make you lose weight! In fact, eating breakfast kick-starts your metabolism which leads to more weight loss. Breakfast will also help you to concentrate and eat less throughout the day.
• Check food labels. Eat foods that are low in calories (anything below 200 is good) and carbohydrates. Although carbohydrates can help you think better - and they fuel the nervous system and power fat metabolism. Avoid saturated and trans fat (which leads to weight gain). Eat foods that have vitamins and minerals in them. Protein, fiber, and iron are all good for you. If you can't read an ingredient or if you've never heard of it, most likely it is not good for you.
• Do not eat when you are not hungry! Boredom and depression can lead a person to eating things that will lead to weight gain. If you are bored, try reading a book, playing a sport, or talking to friends. Try to avoid your kitchen if you are home all day. Make sure there is no food in sight or you will get cravings. Study, if possible.
• Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. It curbs hunger, makes you feel better and makes your skin glow!
• Eat only until you are satisfied. Do not over stuff yourself. If you are given a ton of food on your plate, don't feel obligated to eat it all.
• Eat your dinner earlier (in between 4:30 and 7:00) so that you can burn off some of the calories you consumed.
• Every time you go to put something in your body, ask yourself: "Is this going to improve my health, or harm it?" If the answer is the second one, you know what to do.
• Fill up half your plate with veggies.
• If you get the need to crunch or chew food when you are not hungry, eat something low in calories such as fruit or gum. Ask someone like a parent to stop you from over-eating.
• If you have a very sugary diet, you may get a Sugar Withdrawal Headache. These are tough to deal with and hurt a lot, so if you can't just ignore it, keep a single Hershey bar (or other candy bar) in your locker a week. Eat a single square when you get a headache and it'll help. Make sure it doesn't melt, or you'll end up tricking yourself into eating more than one "square" (melted lump). Remember to change it out about once a week or it'll get moldy and make you sick. Even if there's some left.
• Know how to respond to binges. If you have a pig-out and want to burn off the calories you just consumed, go for a brisk walk or any other physical activity. Also, eat a nutritious meal after a pig-out. Alternatively, if you are tempted to binge, try eating something nutritious beforehand. By the time you finish this initial food, you may change your mind.
• Try to avoid stress or learn to deal with it. Stress will cause pig-outs.
• Try to eat salads and ask your parents to make them. Or, make them yourself by whipping together some ingredients. Salads are healthy and with the proper dressings and toppings of your choice, taste great. Toppings should be low-fat and examples are grated cheese, bacon, and diced eggs.
• Try to replace things you usually eat with something healthier. If you're reaching for a handful of chips, force yourself to stop, and go grab an apple instead. (Note: this can be easier said than done.)
• You should also ask yourself WHY you are eating something before you eat it. If the answer isn't "It's time for lunch/dinner/breakfast and I'm hungry," PUT IT BACK.

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Dealing with Oppositional Defiant Behavior (ODD)

ODD is a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures. This disorder is more common in males than in females. Some studies have shown that it affects 20% of school-age kids. However, most experts believe this figure is high due to changing definitions of normal childhood behavior, and possible racial, cultural, and gender biases. This behavior typically starts by age 8, but it may start as early as the preschool years. This disorder is thought to be caused by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors.

Symptoms include:

• Touchy or easily annoyed
• Spiteful or seeks revenge
• Loses temper
• Is in constant trouble in school
• Has few or no friends or has lost friends
• Blames others for own mistakes
• Argues with adults
• Angry and resentful of others
• Actively does not follow adults' requests

To fit this diagnosis, the pattern must last for at least 6 months and must be more than normal childhood misbehavior. The pattern of behaviors must be different from those of other kids around the same age and developmental level. The behavior must lead to significant problems in school or social activities.

Kids with symptoms of this disorder should be evaluated by a psychiatrist or psychologist. In kids and teens, the following conditions can cause similar behavior problems and should be considered as possibilities:

• Substance abuse disorders
• Learning disorders
• Depression
• Bipolar disorder
• Attention-deficit /hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• Anxiety disorders

The best treatment for the youngster is to talk with a mental health professional in individual and possibly family therapy. Moms and dads should also learn how to manage the youngster's behavior. Medications may also be helpful, especially if the behaviors occur as part of another condition (e.g., depression, childhood psychosis, ADHD). Some kids respond well to treatment, while others do not. In many cases, kids with ODD grow up to have conduct disorder as teens or adults. In some cases kids may grow up to have antisocial personality disorder.

Call your health care provider if you have concerns about your youngster's development or behavior. Be consistent about rules and consequences at home. Don't make punishments too harsh or inconsistent. Model the right behaviors for your youngster. Abuse and neglect increase the chances that this condition will occur.

My Out-of-Control Child: Parenting Children with Oppositional Defiance

How To Stop Your Teen From Sneaking Out At Night

"Our 14 year old keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night. We've screwed the windows shut, called police. She says she sorry...but she can't be that sorry if she keeps doing it. What is the best way to handle this? We've told her it is a safety issue more than anything else."

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==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teens Who Refuse To Get Out Of Bed In The Morning

"What is done in a case where my teenage son (16 years old) will not get out of bed for either school or work without a huge fight everyday?"

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==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Home Drug-Testing Your Teenager

"What are your thoughts on testing a teen suspected of using drugs through the use of a home drug-testing kit that can be purchased online?"

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==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How can I get her to get up in the mornings...

Hi Mark,

I continue to have struggles with my 17 year old. She has not gone to school for this past semester as she was supposed to be taking her classes by correspondence. Unless I stood over and watched her do the courses, she wouldn't do them. I wasn't about to do that as she needs to learn to be responsible. So, needless to say, she is now behind 3 classes in order to graduate next year. She is going to register for regular school for September as this other method does not work for her. She is not motivated at all.

My one big problem with her is that she will not get out of bed in the morning. She has a part-time job that she is supposed to be at 3 days a week. She maybe goes to it 2 times a week if lucky because she just won't get out of bed. She calls in sick so she can sleep in. She will end up losing this job soon. I know she will be exactly the same way once school starts again. She refuses to get out of bed. Then when she does, she thinks she can just go out and hang out with her boyfriend in the evening. Even if we say no, she will leave and go anyways. I am so upset and frustrated by all of this as it has me so stressed out all the time. I dread mornings as I know the hassles we will have. I know that there are "natural consequences" of her actions and she has to be the one that has to live them but we are all living them. Plus, I don't want her to be a high school drop-out and still living at home once she turns 18.

How can I get her to get up in the mornings and to understand that she needs to be more responsible and motivated or she will get nowhere in life?

Thanks,

P.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adolescents are notorious for staying up late at night and being hard to awaken in the morning. Your adolescent is probably no exception, but it's not necessarily because he or she is lazy or contrary. This behavior pattern actually has a physical cause — and there are ways to help mesh your adolescent's sleep schedule with that of the rest of the world.

Everyone has an internal clock that influences body temperature, sleep cycles, appetite and hormonal changes. The biological and psychological processes that follow the cycle of this 24-hour internal clock are called circadian rhythms. Before adolescence, these circadian rhythms direct most children to naturally fall asleep around 8 or 9 p.m. But puberty changes an adolescent's internal clock, delaying the time he or she starts feeling sleepy — often until 11 p.m. or later. Staying up late to study or socialize can disrupt an teen's internal clock even more.

Most adolescents need about nine hours of sleep a night — and sometimes more — to maintain optimal daytime alertness. But few adolescents actually get that much sleep regularly, thanks to part-time jobs, homework, extracurricular activities, social demands and early-morning classes. More than 90 percent of adolescents in a recent study reported sleeping less than the recommended nine hours a night. In the same study, 10 percent of adolescents reported sleeping less than six hours a night.

Big deal? Yes. Irritability aside, sleep deprivation can have serious consequences. Daytime sleepiness makes it difficult to concentrate and learn, or even stay awake in class. Too little sleep may contribute to mood swings and behavioral problems. And sleepy adolescents who get behind the wheel may cause serious — even deadly — accidents.

Catching up on sleep during the weekends seems like a logical solution to adolescent sleep problems, but it doesn't help much. In fact, sleeping in can confuse your adolescent's internal clock even more. A forced early bedtime may backfire, too. If your adolescent goes to bed too early, he or she may only lie awake for hours.

So what can you do? Don't assume that your adolescent is at the mercy of his or her internal clock. Take action tonight!

• Stick to a schedule. Tough as it may be, encourage your adolescent to go to bed and get up at the same time every day — even on weekends. Prioritize extracurricular activities and curb late-night social time as needed. If your adolescent has a job, limit working hours to no more than 16 to 20 hours a week.

• Nix long naps. If your adolescent is drowsy during the day, a 30-minute nap after school may be refreshing. But too much daytime shut-eye may only make it harder to fall asleep at night.

• Keep it calm. Encourage your adolescent to wind down at night with a warm shower, a book or other relaxing activities — and avoid vigorous exercise, loud music, video games, text messaging, Web surfing and other stimulating activities shortly before bedtime. Take the TV out of your adolescent's room, or keep it off at night. The same goes for your adolescent's cell phone and computer.

• Curb the caffeine. A jolt of caffeine may help your adolescent stay awake during class, but the effects are fleeting. And too much caffeine can interfere with a good night's sleep.

• Adjust the lighting. As bedtime approaches, dim the lights. Turn the lights off during sleep. In the morning, expose your adolescent to bright light. These simple cues can help signal when it's time to sleep and when it's time to wake up.

Sleeping pills and other medications generally aren't recommended for adolescents.

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My child is aggressive. How can I prevent this type of behavior?

RE: "My child is aggressive. How can I prevent this type of behavior?"

The best way to prevent aggressive behavior is to give your youngster a stable, secure home life with firm, loving discipline and full-time supervision during the toddler and preschool years. Everyone who cares for your youngster should be a good role model and agree on the rules he’s expected to observe as well as the response to use if he disobeys. Whenever he breaks an important rule, he should be reprimanded immediately so that he understands exactly what he’s done wrong.

Kids don’t know the rules of the house until they’re taught them, so that is one of your important parenting responsibilities. Toddlers are normally interested in touching and exploring, so if there are valuables you don’t want them to handle, hide or remove them. Consider setting up a separate portion of your home where he can play with books and toys.

For discipline to be most effective, it should take place on an ongoing basis, not just when your youngster misbehaves. In fact, it begins with moms and dads smiling at their smiling baby, and it continues with praise and genuine affection for all positive and appropriate behaviors. Over time, if your youngster feels encouraged and respected, rather than demeaned and embarrassed, he is more likely to listen, learn, and change when necessary. It is always more effective to positively reinforce desired behaviors and to teach kids alternative behaviors rather than just say, “Stop it or else.”

While teaching him other ways to respond, there’s also nothing wrong with distracting him at times, or trying another approach. As long as you’re not “bribing” him to behave differently by offering him sweet snacks, for example, there’s nothing wrong with intentionally changing his focus.

Remember, your youngster has little natural self-control. He needs you to teach him not to kick, hit, or bite when he is angry, but instead to express his feelings through words. It’s important for him to learn the difference between real and imagined insults and between appropriately standing up for his rights and attacking out of anger. The best way to teach these lessons is to supervise your youngster carefully when he’s involved in disputes with his playmates. As long as a disagreement is minor, you can keep your distance and let the kids solve it on their own. However, you must intervene when kids get into a physical fight that continues even after they’re told to stop, or when one youngster seems to be in an uncontrollable rage and is assaulting or biting the other. Pull the kids apart and keep them separate until they have calmed down. If the fight is extremely violent, you may have to end the play session. Make it clear that it doesn’t matter who “started it.” There is no excuse for trying to hurt each other.

To avoid or minimize “high-risk” situations, teach your youngster ways to deal with his anger without resorting to aggressive behavior. Teach him to say “no” in a firm tone of voice, to turn his back, or to find compromises instead of fighting with his body. Through example, teach him that settling differences with words is more effective—and more civilized—than with physical violence. Praise him on his appropriate behavior and help explain to him how “grown-up” he is acting whenever he uses these tactics instead of hitting, kicking, or biting. And always reinforce and praise his behavior when he is demonstrating kindness and gentleness.

There’s also nothing wrong with using a time-out when his behavior is inappropriate, and it can be used in kids as young as one year old. These time-outs should be a last resort, however. Have him sit in a chair or go to a “boring” place where there are no distractions; in essence, you’re separating him from his misbehavior, and giving him time to cool off. Briefly explain to your youngster what you’re doing and why—but no long lectures. Initially, when kids are young, time-out is over as soon as they have calmed down and are “quiet and still.” Ending time-out once they are quiet and still reinforces this behavior, so your youngster learns that time out means “quiet and still.” Once they have learned to calm themselves (to be quiet and still), a good rule of thumb is one minute of a timeout for each year in your youngster’s age—thus, a three-year-old should have a three-minute time-out. When the time-out is over, there needs to be a time-in, while giving him plenty of positive attention when doing the right thing.

Always watch your own behavior around your youngster. One of the best ways to teach him appropriate behavior is to control your own temper. If you express your anger in quiet, peaceful ways, he probably will follow your example. If you must discipline him, do not feel guilty about it and certainly don’t apologize. If he senses your mixed feelings, he may convince himself that he was in the right all along and you are the “bad” one. Although disciplining your youngster is never pleasant, it is a necessary part of parenthood, and there is no reason to feel guilty about it. Your youngster needs to understand when he is in the wrong so that he will take responsibility for his actions and be willing to accept the consequences.

When to seek medical help—

If your youngster seems to be unusually aggressive for longer than a few weeks, and you cannot cope with his behavior on your own, consult your doctor. Other warning signs include:

• Attacks on you or other adults
• Being sent home or barred from play by neighbors or school
• Physical injury to himself or others (teeth marks, bruises, head injuries)
• Your own fear for the safety of those around him

The most important warning sign is the frequency of outbursts. Sometimes kids with conduct disorders will go for several days or a week or two without incident, and may even act quite charming during this time, but few can go an entire month without getting into trouble at least once.

Your doctor can suggest ways to discipline your youngster and will help you determine if he has a true conduct disorder. If this is the problem, you probably will not be able to resolve it on your own, and your doctor will advise appropriate mental health intervention.

The doctor or other mental health specialist will interview both you and your youngster and may observe your youngster in different situations (home, preschool, with adults and other kids). A behavior-management program will be outlined. Not all methods work on all kids, so there will be a certain amount of trial and reassessment.

Once several effective ways are found to reward good behavior and discourage bad, they can be used in establishing an approach that works both at home and away. The progress may be slow, but such programs usually are successful if started when the disorder is just beginning to develop.

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with ODD Children

There is no way of taking away this privilege without a physical conflict...

We are into week 2 of what is supposed to have been a 3 day grounding with my 16 year old. He is still skipping school regularly and although he is generally pleasant enough when he is home, he is non-compliant with his grounding. We have taken away his cell phone, i-pod, computer time and tv. He just simply goes out whenever he wants and stays out as late as he wants to. The only thing that he currently does as a privilege is when he gets home he takes food to his room to eat. He is 6'3" and there is no way of taking away this privilege without a physical conflict, so we don't know what else to do except to try and wait out his defiance until he complies with grounding. If you have a specific suggestion in this regard it would be appreciated. It seems to us that the point of your program is to decrease the intensity of the interactions with him, so again, we are searching for ways to reduce this privilege without a physical interaction.

Also, on June 22 he is going to his Dad's for 1 month. If he hasn't complied with his grounding with us before that date, does he go away for a month without his phone and i-pod? If so, when he gets back do we try and start the 3 day grounding again or wait until he makes a mistake?

We certainly appreciate that you are a very busy man, however, we really need some expert personal input from you, beyond what we have seen in the e-book and reference material. We take parenting extremely seriously and have searched again, and again through the material but cannot find answers to our particular questions.

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==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

17 year old has some issues with authority...

My 17 year old has some issues with authority and is considered selfish. If he does good in school he should be able to spend the night out (both Fri/Sat). The group he hangs with is a little older and has parents that allow their house to be the local hangout (stays up till 3-5). I plan to sit down tonight with a list of consequences - no car 1 week, no phone 2 weeks, no allowance, etc., and am considering an intervention using some friends and family. What can you suggest?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lot of 17-year-olds think they're grown up enough to set their own rules and to do such things as stay out all night. When you talk with him, emphasize that while his friends may have parents who think it's okay for them to stay out all night, that's not true in your family. In your family, you take your duties as parents seriously, and you believe it is your obligation to know where your child is, what he is doing, and that he is going to be safe in the house by a certain time (whatever your rule is about a curfew). You can tell him that that is the way you see it. If he continues to violate this rule, there will be more consequences. When he decides he is old enough to live on his own, then, of course, he can make any rules for his own life that he chooses. (I'm not necessarily in favor of an intervention for something like this).

Mark


==> My Out-of-Control Teen

Dealing with Violent Children

Hi Mark. Thanks so much for the parenting material, it has given my wife and I some positive direction in parenting our oppositional 10 year old boy. He ticks nearly all the boxes for ODD and in addition to working your program, we are endeavoring to have him see a child psychologist. However he is reluctant to go and when he does go he pretends everything is okay, insisting that he can control himself. The reason I am writing to you is that he has become increasingly violent, particularly towards my wife, often punching and kicking her with force. Should I be physically restraining him? This seems to increase his violence and up the level of his tantrum. I'm trying to stay poker-faced but still feel I need to do something to protect my wife and our children. I have taken our boy to the police after a recent violent episode, mainly for scare tactics, but they seemed quite bemused by the fact I would bring him. I'm also wondering if there is some medical issue below the surface here, but it is extremely difficult to get him to co-operate to go anywhere for assessment.

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==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents

Dealing with a Runaway Daughter

Mark, I'm the one that wrote you about my daughter running away. She is still missing and we keep hearing various chatter rumors from school that she is with this person or that person. Today I heard that she is with the original person she was with, which I've heard is dangerous! I also heard that they’re in downtown Reno jumping from hotel to hotel to not be detected. The police are not looking for her since she is a runaway – so they’re no help. I have to get all the leads and report them to the detective. I'm also working with the school police, which are also not much help! We've made posters and posted them everywhere, but in this one area, they are being taken down. I don't know if this is the lifestyle she wants or if she's being exploited. Her twin sister is very agitated everyday and wants to know if her sister is okay, but does not want her to come home because she says she's such a bitch.

Mark, I know you can't do much from where you are at but I'm desperate for some kind of support...I’m going crazy with worry and the unknown. Thank you, D.

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==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents with Defiant, Out-of-Control Teenagers

How do you motivate your teenager to look for a job?

"My question is how do you motivate your teenager to look for a job? He says he would like having a job and his own money, but feels like he doesn't stand a chance of actually getting a job ...he has kinda given up before even trying."

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==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parents with Defiant, Out-of-Control Teenagers

Younger Girls Dating Older Boys: Tips for Parents

Parents often worry about their daughters having an older boyfriend. According to data from the Centers for Disease Control, it turns out they have good reason to be worried. Here's just one example:

Kayla is 14. Her boyfriend is 18.

Kayla says, "I have to admit, because I am dating an older guy, you know, I am very more open to alcohol, just because, I can ask him, 'Hey can you go to the store and buy me something?'"

Kayla says another risk of dating an older guy might be getting pressured into having sex. She says, "I think a lot of guys especially in high school will go for younger girls just because they'll give it up, you know. They are willing to experiment, they are easier."

New research shows one in four girls who have had sex say their first time was with a guy at least three years older.

Kayla says, "When guys are older, girls will trust them: 'Oh, he knows what he's talking about. He has more experience.'"

The research shows that, with an older boy, girls are less likely to use a condom and more likely to get pregnant than other sexually active teens. So, frequently the younger girl is naïve. Sometimes she doesn't have the assertiveness to stand up for herself and demand that a condom be used.

Studies also show that, on average, girls who lost their virginity to an older boy ended up having more sexual partners than girls whose first time was with someone their own age. They frequently will start feeling like damaged goods, or that they are down a road sexually that they weren't ready to go down, but there's no going back. So, they will frequently then go onto another relationship with an older guy. Research also shows 10% of sexually active boys lose their virginity to a girl at least three years older, and that they, too, face damaging effects to their health.

Parents can set ground rules (e.g., teens can only date someone who is one grade level above them). You want to have your children talking to you about who they are interested in, who they think is cute, and who they have their eyes on. If you are having good communication with your teens, you get those clues a long time before they come home and say they have a boyfriend who's 18.

Online Parent Support: Help for Parents with Out-of-Control Teens

Children and "Head Banging"

"My son hits his head so hard and so often he has dark bruises on his forehead. He does this when he is frustrated, angry and anxious. What can I do to help him? He has told me he knows it's wrong but just can't stop. Please help me to help my son."

Kids who are emotionally and physically healthy, as well as kids with developmental or sensory issues, may "head bang." It is thought that head banging is a self-soothing process that kids partake in, much like thumb sucking or an attachment to a blanket or toy. Kids that bang their heads have at some point found the rocking or rhythmic sensations calming, and an aid to sleep.

Alternatively, some kids appear to bang their heads in an attempt to stimulate themselves or to bring pleasure. However, head banging may occur in combination with temper tantrums. While this may appear as if the youngster is trying to hurt himself or herself, it is usually the youngster’s way of trying to relieve stress.

Young people who are under-stimulated (those who are blind, deaf, bored, or lonely) head bang for stimulation. Kids who are over stimulated (in an overwhelming environment) find the rhythmic movements of head banging soothing. Head banging may be a symptom of autism, Tourette syndrome or seizure disorders.

You should take your youngster to the pediatrician immediately if he is engaging in head banging for a long period of time and seems unaware of his surroundings. If head banging is the only way a youngster can be soothed, or if he is unresponsive to attempts by you to interact with him, you should seek out medical attention.

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Kids who bang their heads excessively and cause themselves harm may have a developmental disability. These kids may have to take medication or wear a helmet to protect themselves from injury. Older kids who bang their heads may need the attention of a psychologist. A psychologist can help the youngster find the source of his stress and teach him ways to cope.

Medical attention is usually not necessary in regards to head banging. However, you should make sure your youngster’s pediatrician is aware of the behavior. Unless the head banging is excessive or causing bumps or bruising, most pediatricians will advise parents to leave the youngster alone and to not interfere with head banging. Most kids outgrow this behavior in a few months.

Typically, healthy children don't seriously injure themselves while banging their head. Pain prevents them from banging too hard. Also, kids under 3 don't generate enough force to cause brain damage or neurological problems. The front or front/side of the head is the most frequently struck. A child’s head is built to take all of the minor head trauma that is a normal part of learning to walk and climb. Healthy infants, toddlers and older children who are head-bangers usually grow up to be coordinated and completely normal kids.

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Temper Dysregulation Disorder: Bad Temper, or Mental Illness?

Temper Tantrums Pushed as a New Disorder Called “Temper Dysregulation Disorder”

Severe outbursts grossly out of proportion to the situation, in the form of verbal rages or physical aggression, several times a week -- to moms and dads, these would seem the most common elements of childhood temper tantrums. They are also the proposed criteria for a new childhood mental disorder called Temper Dysregulation Disorder (TDD) with Dysphoria.

TDD is being recommended for inclusion in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, a massive catalogue of brain dysfunction now undergoing its first major revision in 16 years. It is considered the psychiatrists' bible of mental disorders. If accepted, TDD could soon become as entrenched in our vernacular as ADD.

TDD is being proposed as an alternative to the runaway diagnosis of childhood bipolar disorder. The number of kids being diagnosed with -- and medicated for -- bipolar disorder has shot up dramatically in the past decade, despite concerns that many don't meet the official criteria, but are getting the lifelong label nonetheless because of their explosive temper outbursts. The idea behind TDD is to create a less-severe diagnostic "home" for these kids.

The fear is that TDD could open the door to the diagnosis of any youngster with a bad temper, that it risks pathologizing a normal part of a youngster's development and could lead to wider prescribing of antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers to kids, including preschoolers barely out of training pants.

It's an extremely significant move, and it's a very alarming. Infants and kids have meltdowns, regularly and routinely. It's a healthy expression of frustration. It's a very serious move to contemplate that as a bona fide mental illness, which is what they're very seriously proposing.

The over-diagnosis of bipolar has been a colossal embarrassment to the field. So they've tried to come up with another diagnosis that will somehow let you diagnose unruly kids. But maybe they're unruly, full stop.... To give them a psychiatric diagnosis and treat them with antipsychotics is insane.

But the research director for the task force writing the new edition of the DSM says the following:

“TDD isn't run-of-the mill temper tantrums. We're not talking about the temper tantrum of a two-year-old or a three-year-old who's not getting his way. We're talking about kids of age six or above who kind of have a hair-trigger, and really quite violent temper tantrums totally out of proportion to any kind of provocation that might have brought them on. Something out of the norm of what you would call a normal temper tantrum. And these are the kids who were receiving a diagnosis of bipolar disorder."

Here are the proposed criteria for TDD:

A. The disorder is characterized by severe recurrent temper outbursts in response to common stressors.
1. The temper outbursts are manifest verbally and/or behaviorally, such as in the form of verbal rages, or physical aggression towards people or property.
2. The reaction is grossly out of proportion in intensity or duration to the situation or provocation.
3. The responses are inconsistent with developmental level.

B. Frequency: The temper outbursts occur, on average, three or more times per week.

C. Mood between temper outbursts:
1. Nearly every day, the mood between temper outbursts is persistently negative (irritable, angry, and/or sad).
2. The negative mood is observable by others (e.g., parents, teachers, peers).

D. Duration: Criteria A-C have been present for at least 12 months. Throughout that time, the person has never been without the symptoms of Criteria A-C for more than 3 months at a time.

E. The temper outbursts and/or negative mood are present in at least two settings (at home, at school, or with peers) and must be severe in at least in one setting.

F. Chronological age is at least 6 years (or equivalent developmental level).

G. The onset is before age 10 years.

H. In the past year, there has never been a distinct period lasting more than one day during which abnormally elevated or expansive mood was present most of the day for most days, and the abnormally elevated or expansive mood was accompanied by the onset, or worsening, of three of the “B” criteria of mania (i.e., grandiosity or inflated self esteem, decreased need for sleep, pressured speech, flight of ideas, distractibility, increase in goal directed activity, or excessive involvement in activities with a high potential for painful consequences). Abnormally elevated mood should be differentiated from developmentally appropriate mood elevation, such as occurs in the context of a highly positive event or its anticipation.

I. The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a Psychotic or Mood Disorder (e.g., Major Depressive Disorder, Dysthymic Disorder, Bipolar Disorder) and are not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Pervasive Developmental Disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, separation anxiety disorder). (Note: This diagnosis can co-exist with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, Conduct Disorder, and Substance Use Disorders.) The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a drug of abuse, or to a general medical or neurological condition.

The syndrome captured by section A-C (frequent and intense temper outbursts, happening several times per week in the context of negative emotionality) is the core of the symptoms that has been incorrectly interpreted as indicative of childhood bipolar disorder. Section H is very interesting. It states that this diagnosis is not appropriate if the person has experienced classic mania (e.g., abnormally elevated or expansive mood), as in such a case the diagnosis of bipolar is likely more accurate.

Why did the DSM-V decide that this syndrome is not simply bipolar disorder of childhood?

1. Lack of continuity to bipolar. If TDD is simply the expression of bipolar disorder during childhood, then children diagnosed with this condition would eventually develop symptoms of classic bipolar disorder as they reach adulthood. The data do not support this hypothesis. That is, children who display the TDD syndrome in childhood (and are often incorrectly diagnosed as bipolar) are not more likely to develop classic bipolar disorder later in life as their peer. Instead, these children are more likely to develop depression, not bipolar!

2. Different Biological Markets. Youth who are diagnosed with classic bipolar differ significantly from those who have a TDD-like syndrome. If TDD is simply bipolar, then the biomarkers of TDD should be similar to those of bipolar, but this is not the case.

3. Different Demographic Factors. If TDD is simply bipolar, then the gender distribution of TDD should be similar to that of bipolar. This does not appear to be the case. Specifically, there is no gender differences in the rate of classic bipolar; male and females are equally likely to develop the condition. However, the TDD-like syndrome is disproportionately observed in boys rather than girls.

4. A need for a new category that would impact treatment and research. In theory, the presence of TDD will educate clinicians, researchers, and the public that this syndrome is not simply a version of bipolar disorder. This would facilitate research on the causes, features, and treatments for this condition. This has major implications for treatment. For example, the standard treatment for bipolar disorder does NOT seem to work in children that have the TDD syndrome. By explicitly stating that TDD is not bipolar, researchers would be less likely to approach the search for treatments from a “bipolar framework”, which would potentially facilitate the discovery of more effective interventions.

Of course there is no way to predict what practical effects creating the TDD category might have. Even if they are successful at changing the label that clinicians use, it could be that the children all get the same medications as before. But the difference is going to be that they won't have to take the medicine for the rest of their life.

TDD is a new term, but its characteristics are not new to research. In scientific papers, the disorder is referred to as “severe mood dysregulation” (SMD).

Online Parent Support

Teens and Presciption Pills

Alcohol, tobacco and illegal drug use among adolescents may have declined over the past decade, but at least one abuse risk is on the rise: the prescription pill bottle. That’s because more children are using painkillers, drugs for ADHA (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder), antidepressants, and tranquilizers and sleep aids to get high.

One in five adolescents in grades 7 to 12 intentionally abused prescription drugs, according to a Partnership for a Drug-Free America study. Children assume pharmaceuticals are safe because they’re medicine. But prescription drugs can be just as addictive and deadly as street drugs and are easier to obtain.

The top three ways teenagers report getting pills are through parents’ and friends’ medicine cabinets, someone else’ medications and online sites that don’t require a doctor’s prescription.

Signs of abuse include extreme changes in behavior and a dramatic decline in grades.

So be sure to limit access to medicines by disposing of drugs you’re not using, keeping prescriptions out of easily accessible areas, and monitoring the Web sites your adolescent visits.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Texting Teens and Sleep Deprivation

"My teenage son is not getting up on time for school due to being up most of the night texting his g-friend. Any advice?"

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=> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

15-Year-Old Daughter Having Sex with 20-Year-Old Man

My youngest daughter just turned 15 today. While having lunch with my older daughter, who is 23 and living outside of our home, she told us that our 15 year-old had confessed to her that she lost her virginity to a 20 year-old man who often goes to a library activity that she attends each Thursday.

Her dad and I have not liked the library situation for a long time, but have continued to allow her to go (with an attempt to monitor her by having 1 of us there most of the time for the 3 hours that she's there) because older kids hang out around there plus there have been fights and other things that we have not liked. The reason we've continued to allow her to go is because she seems to love it so much. She's homeschooled, so she doesn't think she gets enough socialization and has gone out of her way to "fit in" with the other kids/young adults by giving up a lot of the stuff that she used to love, but will do just about anything to go each Thursday.

Obviously, we want her to be happy, but, especially with this latest revelation from our older daughter, it's time for us to take some kind of action. What would you advise about this? Our older daughter swore us to secrecy and I want her to have a friend to talk to (who better than a sister?), but we need to protect her from these older kids who are bad influences. This guy that she was with before contacted her on Facebook today, saying he wants her back.

She has violent mood swings, which makes her difficult to deal with and I want to handle things properly so that she doesn't hurt herself or run away or anything. This girl is so smart and so capable and has so much potential and we love her dearly. My older daughter offered to take her to Planned Parenthood for birth control pills, but that certainly doesn't take care of diseases or our other concerns plus I'm not sure how I could pretend that I didn't know about the birth control if she leaves it out like she does just about everything else. How should I react in such a situation or should I take her myself? She's already talked about taking the pills for clearing her complexion, so what would be better?

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==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Son's Phone Messages Reveal Disturbing Behavior

Hi Mark, Need some help… was scrolling through my son’s phone messages… he left his phone unlocked… I know it’s a breach of privacy, but see he has been smoking, not cigarettes, and he and friends arranging between themselves… not sure how to handle it and what to do say. If raise the issue - he will know I’ve been through his phone. If I ignore - he is getting away with it… am in a quandary. ~ A.

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==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents