Hi S___,
== >Please look for my responses throughout your email below.
Hi Mark
I wanted to get some final advice from you relative to my soon to be 18 year old son. Your website advise was great and the personality traits you explain have been dead on. I think we learned this a bit late in the game though.
We are at the point where it is highly unlikely that he will graduate. He continues to say he will be able to graduate but continues to go out with friends at night rather than focus on school. We have not planned for any grad events and I do admit to feeling guilty as this should be such a wonderful time of his life.
Question One: What should our attitude be toward grad? We know his work is not done to graduate and yet he insists he will be fine. He even wants to get a suit this week-end?
== > The more you take responsibility for your son's academics, the less responsibility he will take. The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your son’s education. This problem belongs to your son. When you give up ownership, your son will have to make a choice - he'll have to decide if he will or will not accept ownership of his education. And he'll lose the power of pushing your education buttons, to frustrate and worry you.
Out-of-control teens intentionally perform poorly to push their parents’ buttons. Often parents are in a never-ending cycle of their kid’s sabotage. Since parents are continuously telling their kids how important an education is, their kids use this information to anger them. The more parents try, the less out-of-control kids work.
Many people who are successful in life performed poorly in school. Your son is not going to end up sitting on the street corner with a tin can waiting for coins to be handed him from sympathetic passersby. Get rid of the fear that poor school performance will damage his future. When he decides it's time to succeed, he will. I've never meet a kid yet that didn't realize - at some point - that he at least needed to get a GED.
He has his car a cell phone taken away and this has been the case for a week. He only needs to do chores to pay us back money he owes but says there is not point as he doesn't get anything when he works hard or does chores??? (Fact is we always give him a break but he always forgets.)
Qustion Two: Will he ever get it? Work equals pay?
He does not work and has no money. He says he will work part-time this summer (He will be 18) and work fulltime in the all. We know he is emotionally immature and he puts his friends before everything. We believe he should work full-time in order to pay his bills.
== > If he is living in your house at the age of 18 – and not attending school, then working to pay his room and board should be mandatory. If he refuses to pay room and board, then you need to (a) help him find an apartment, (b) help him move, (c) pay his first month’s rent, and (d) let go (i.e., he can certainly come home to visit, but he can no longer live at home). This is the parental tough love that separates the women from the girls (so to speak). Which are you mom?
Question 3: Do you think at 18 he should be cut off from everything and told to pay his way?
== > Yes. In addition to what you’ve listed below, he should pay a reasonable rent as well as buy most of his own food. How long will you be willing to continue to raise an adult child?
We would provide a home and food but he will pay for cell phone, gas, car insurance, eating out, etc.
He does not talk to us most of the time and is always gone. This makes it difficult to apply what we have learned in your program as he is not receptive. When we do finally get his attention, it is usually negative as he has not done his chores, gone to school etc.
Question 4: How do we handle a non-communicative teen?
== > I think you have a deadbeat child on your hands (no offense - I’m sure he is a great kid). The latest parenting challenge is dealing with adult children who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 18- to 25-year-olds either return home after college or they've never even left home. Parents are worried that their kids will NEVER leave home. Why do over-indulged kids refuse to leave the nest?
1. They Are Unprepared-- They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by occupying the family home, playing computer games and delivering pizza. These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged. Here, well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. The parents are focused on doing more for their children than what their parents did for them – at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because they've got it made! When your financial generosity isn't combined with teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess adequate life skills when they reach legal adulthood. How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own life when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for themselves?
2. They Are Cautious or Clueless-- They are committed, but unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive world. Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13. This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment.
3. They Have Personal Problems--They don't have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling with a challenging life event. If your son is struggling emotionally, don't make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your adolescent get professional help so that he or she can move forward. If you don't know how to have that kind of conversation, consider getting help from a parenting expert.
4. They Have Mounting Debt-- They've accumulated significant credit card debt and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off. According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55 percent of students ages 16 to 22 have at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your teen understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future. Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it's important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses.
Determine Goals and Stick to Them— Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child's inaction does not help your son begin his own life. If your child defaults on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences to help him launch into responsible adulthood.
I’ve been kinda tough on you in this email S___, but I know you would want the truth.
Stay tough,
Mark
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