HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

Teens Who Make False Claims That the Parent is Abusive

Hello, 

Last week I signed up to get your book and discs and all the goodies you offer. I have a question. My out of control teen has a set of grandparents and a family that she has convinced I am completely abusive to her. I have been turned into the authorities four times now from false allegations and have a meeting for a 'home visit' tomorrow with the latest investigation case worker. My daughter wants to go live with the grandparents and will do whatever it takes to get removed from my care.

My concern is a co-worker I know has a similar situation. Her son turned his mom in making abuse allegations. They didn't 'stick' so the second time he turned her in for alleged abuse he made marks on his body and called saying his mom was abusing him. It stuck that time and his mom, who wouldn't hurt a flea, is now on probation for 17 months for the abuse allegations.

When do I throw in the towel? I am very worried this is going to go the same way for me.......not if but when.

Thanks,

B.

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Hi B.,

This is all too common (i.e., the kid has learned that she can duck out off receiving consequences for poor choices by alleging abuse).

In short, I suggest letting your daughter try this new living arrangement with the g-parents (if they are amenable to it) – but – let her know that, in the case she burns a bridge with them and wants to come back to live with you, she will have to agree to abide by a behavior contract (that you draft-up ahead of time).

If / when the g-parents arrive at THEIR wits-end and ask you to take your daughter back, do so only under the understanding that they are not to allow your daughter to run back and forth from one home to the other depending on her mood / attitude at the time.

Please refer to the following page for more information about what to do when falsely accused of abuse:  

Child Protective Services: What Parents Can Do When Falsely Accused

Stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… I am Interested in the original posts questions..when do we throw in the towel..and I decided the next time my daughter pulls this is when...and then ill get stuck probably owing child support for her!!! outrageous!
•    Anonymous said… I had no idea so many people go through this! soo glad I found this page!
•    Anonymous said… I have a 16 year old daughter that is totally defiant as far as following rules. I have just a few rules to follow. Once a week she cleans her room,stay brings dishes daily, take out the garbage daily, once a week vacuum the living room rug or sweep mop the kitchen floor once a week. The other is curfew. She basically refuses to do anything she doesn't feel like doing and gets angry when we remind her. We have lived in my mother's house as my mother could not support herself after my father died. So my mother has helped my husband and me in raising my daughter. At 13 years old when she started hanging out with one 15 year old school friend the defiance started. She started drinking alcohol, smoking pot, popping pills. I had to take her to a Behavior Center as she stated she wanted to hurt herself. I thought she was trying to manipulate us but could take that chance. She started to get better. But this summer when she turned 16 years old everything started to hit the fan. She wants to stay out with her friends that are about 2 years older 1-2 hours past curfew. She says her room is her room and she can keep it anyways she wants. She shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want. She has temper outbursts throwing and hitting things. Today she threw 2 yogurt container, one at the wall and the ceiling the other on the floor. I called the police. They can't do anything. She even as told the police I leave her to watch my mother who has dementia. Try to make me out to be the bad person. She continues to badger me to agree with her stating that I don't listen but will not listen to anything I say. I am a rotten mother, so not know how to be a mother etc. I am moving out on my mother's house to try to my sanity, she refuses to come with because her friends are here. I told her she can not stay with my mother as they are always at each others throats. She says she is not going to move. I have decided today that at curfew time the doors will be locked if she not home she needs to find which friend house to stay at. I have turned off her phone and will take internet access away. She will receive basic needs from me (necessary) clothes, food and transportation to/from school. Am I wrong with my actions?
•    Anonymous said… I haven't been thru this part of the process yet, but have been thru a lot with my oldest, and have had CPS involved due to some of his wonderful behaviors and choices. I had a worker sitting on my couch right next to me, tell me that she had to talk to her supervisor to know what to do next, because they are all trained to protect the child from parental abuse, but have no idea how to handle it when its the child that's the abuser. I wonder how many situations it will take, how many families will have to go thru the things this group is posting about, and the many that don't post, before the system catches on that new training needs to happen, new things and procedures need to be learned. It's sad that this is so rampant, that so many parents are at a loss and overwhelmed, and if and when they do finally react due to being at wits end, then they really are looked at as the one with the problem and the bad guy. Praying for all of you, because I understand many of the emotions that are running thru you and above all, the hurt and frustration, God bless you mamas, keep doing the best you can!
•    Anonymous said… I know for me..I live in hell with my 15 year old daughter. because of this I dont even want to speak to her or be around her for MY protection against any kind of accusations she could make. I feel I need protected because if you discipline them or heaveb forbid tell them no, they call the cops and always use the abuse card!!! I feel im the one who needs protection! I reallllly hate this and feel trapped under the roof with someone who at anytime can lie and cause me trouble.
•    Anonymous said… My sister is going thru the same thing. Ad I sugested, she started using her phone to secretly tape conversations at home with her daughter. She almost went to jail and once the judge heard the recoedings, he sent my niece to detention for 12 days.
•    Anonymous said… omg I am going through this exact thing! I feel like I am helpless! my kid runs the show becauseTHEY have the power not us! I am so glad I found this page because I have no idea what to even do let alone wrap my mind around all this!! and im too afraid to tell anyone our business so I am just a sitting single mother duck I feel!
•    Anonymous said… This is such a disturbing and manipulative way for teen to act, I know from personal experience the child is allowed to act this way because of the grandparents who are under minding your authority the whole time !! My advice keep loving the child untill they are out of your care and allow them to fall, it's called tough love and boundaries, something unfortunately you have to teach them.

Please post your comment below…

2 comments:

GDOBSSOR R said...

I think the advice in the link is brilliant as well as the advice given to this lady. I would add one thing only, and that is to teach your children about the police and CPS. Tell them that CPS workers are not necessarily acting in children's best interests as they have their own agenda to follow. And, teach them the seriousness of making joke or false complaints - while the cops are busy answering their silly call, someone else could really be in trouble and need help.

GDOBSSOR R said...

Also: you are legally obliged to provide necessities. You do not have to offer extras or grant any privileges. If they do play the abuse card because they don't get their way, tell them they are welcome to move out and get a job or go live with grandma or aunty etc and live with their rules instead.

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