It has been awhile since I last e-mailed you (middle of June I believe). At that time, our 16yo M______ had gotten into a fight which sent the other person (18yo) to the hospital. We weren't sure what was going to happen. We left 2 days after the fight for vacation visiting relatives in another state. When we got back, we were told that the boy was not pressing charges and M______ would be "off the hook". We almost wished for SOMETHING to happen to possibly instill a different view in our son. He felt justified since he didn't hit first. Anyway, he was home for only 3 days before he left for a month long wrestling camp out of state (we were looking forward to the respite!!) Needless to say, he went against our permission on the first day with driving privileges and lied about it, so could not go anywhere the following 2 days before leaving. He was VERY UPSET and threatening to "just leave anyways" but he did in fact stay home (I credit your program and our following it for this breakthrough). The month long break was great!
First day back, he went out with his buddies, lied about his plans of spending the night at a friends (found out no adults home--against our rules as we don't know the parents very well), and told him he then had to be home at 11:30pm, or they could spend the night at our house. He came home at 12:40 and was not answering his cell phone, had friends lying about which one was bringing him home. He had no cell phone, computer, going out for 3 days. This was a Sat.
No problems in the interim. Was allowed to go out Wed. His Dad let him use the car (remember he is not with the program). M______ was not supposed to have use of the car until he could afford the insurance/gas for it. He was doing some jobs around the house for an agreed upon amount and his part-time job was to start the following week. I guess Dad felt he should try to let him a little freedom and see what happened. Well, he was 9 minutes late the first time (9:30pm), and then Dad let him go out again (I was not home then) and he was 3 minutes late. Our rule is for every 1 minute late, there is a five minute earlier curfew the next outing. So this would be 1 hour early.
Thursday he went out and told to be home 10:15pm. He called and asked if he and his friends could come over to have a bonfire and swim. He was told yes, but HIS curfew was still 10:15pm and they would have to find their own rides home (2 girls and 1 boy--none with licenses/cars). They came over about 9:30pm--his VERY FIRST TIME HOME ON TIME!! He went outside in the front at 11:00pm (we thought just to wait for the girls/boy's rides to show up as he has done many times in the past). Well, his car was then gone! I called him and he said he was taking the girls home (they live locally). He was told NO, curfew was 10:15, he never asked permission to do this and to get home IMMEDIATELY. He did not show up after 15minutes (plenty of time to come home) and now was not answering his phone. His friend finally answered his and said they were at the gas station (not sure if I believe this). They did return about 11:30 and this boy's Mom picked him up shortly after. M______ was again given consequence of no phone, computer, going out for 3 days.
Friday evening we hear him tell his friend on the phone he can't talk or go out as "I'm grounded". Parents are feeling good at this point that maybe he's finally learning. He says he's going outside to play catch with his lacrosse ball/net. Did not think anything of it. Realized he's not in the yard. Husband and I think he's gone up to the local school because there is more room. He does not have use of the car, and his bike is still home. It's starting to get dark, and I drive to the school--he's not there. I don't pass him either. Now of course I'm angry. Finally at 11:30pm he comes strolling in. Notice he's in "going out jeans/shirt". He says "I fell asleep on the bleacher's". We tell him, he was not to leave our property without permission, we believe he went out and his 3 days will restart tonight. I was waiting until 12:00pm to file a "runaway" charge since that is our local curfew for teens, and he came home before then.
Saturday, we had a graduation party to attend about 1/2 hr away. We are extremely close to the family. He knew about this party for months and was even looking forward to going. When it was almost time to leave (Husband not home as he was helping "set up" for the party and we would meet there) M______ said "I'm not going. I kept my poker face and said "yes you are, you've known about this for ages, you are a minor, and it wouldn't be right for our friends for you to not go." He started DEMANDING his phone, etc. and then he would go. I said no. I told him I would call the police if he didn't go. He said Okay, got dressed and then again tried to demand things. I then did call the police. It just so happens our good friend was the Sergeant on duty. He said they could not do anything at that point. He suggested we go, but take away more things, tell him he may not leave the house, file runaway if he did leave and go and try to have a good time. M______ did act like he was leaving, as he ran out of the house, so I told the Sergeant that he was not a runaway (I was still on the phone with him). M______ never left our property and agreed to go. I did tell him the 3 days was starting over and if there was any more defiance (I defined this) that he would have his bed taken out of his room into the basement or living room (he shares with a brother and it has TV/PS2) with no electronics, take away designer clothes, etc.
No problems until Monday. He was told by his Dad he could go out again on Tuesday (I felt Wed, but I didn't push this so we could be more united and he had followed the rules until then). And have use of the car to drive to work. I had a very serious Dr. appt. Tuesday and had told M______ a week ago I needed him to stay home with his brother. He could use the car for work. (I would not let him use it for leisure until debt were paid, but think his Dad was going to let him). Anyway, all hell broke loose Monday night. He stated he was going out Tuesday, would not stay home for his brother. He did not state any specific plans. When told I needed him until work time, he blew a gasket. He started swearing, threatening to leave anyways and felt entitled to the car. He stated he had been "good" (his words) just to be able to go out. Husband and I did lose our cool somewhat, but it was more controlled than usual. I told M______ that he was going to be facing the consequence of no designer clothes, his bed in the living room (no electronics), and to restart the 3 day consequence. We tried to explain how sometimes responsibilities come up that preclude our "fun", but that was life. His older brother STILL asks permission to go out (19yo) and had to watch his sibs many times and unless he was working never told us "No". Things did not get calmer, and he kept using his computer (he had earned this back by now), when asked to put it down to talk, so he was told that we pay for the internet service, the electricity and he would not be able to use that anymore either (the computer was a Christmas gift). He went into his bedroom and flung all of his drawers out, and dumped all of their contents around the room. He then produced $10 and demanded I go and put gas in the car so he could use it (told no--it was 12:30am and time for parents to be sleeping as we had to work the next morning.). Demanding car keys--told no. Demanding to be allowed to go to grandma's--told to call her and if OK we would drive him, so of course he dropped this idea. Demanding his phone--told no. (House phones had been confiscated earlier). He kept walking outside as if going to leave, and I told him I would report him--so he stayed in the garage, and FINALLY came back in. He also took a rope out of the garage "You're gonna be sorry", I didn't react to this. He then went into the bathroom and was shaking pill bottles around, but came out momentarily. This morning my Excedrin bottle was empty but I believe he flushed them and he seemed to be sleeping/breathing normally this morning. I did not respond to this either.
Well, now I'm at work. I told my youngest to call my cell if his brother does leave. So far, no call. I will not be home until time to take him to work (obviously he has lost permission to use it). He keeps saying "why should I try, I'm good and you just find another way to ground me, I just keep getting grounded". I have turned this back to his responsibility and say "this was YOUR choice", and keep to my guns.
By the way, I did get my husband to at least read the hard copy of your program while M_______ was at camp. While he by no means agrees with it, I think he at least can understand M______ behavior a little better and is willing to go for less time with punishments. Baby steps I always say, as long as they are going forward!!
Since M______ was gone for a month, do you think his behavior has gone backward, or is this the norm? Again, he seems to be breaking/bending the rules as often as before, but is accepting of the consequences (most times) better. Do you think we will see a change soon? I hope so, because it is HARD work and very tiring.
Thanks for being there for all of us parents Mark--I keep telling everyone about your program and how much sense it seems to make!!
First of all, I have to say I am so impressed with how you have been handling these situations. Thank you for being such a good student!!! You are working the program the way it is intended. And I will be posting this email on the blog for others to read since this is such a good practical example of how things shake down over time.
Re: …do you think his behavior has gone backward, or is this the norm?
This is the norm. When parents really work the program (like you are), they make 3 steps forward, then go 2 steps back, then 3 forward, 2 back. It is a tough road no doubt, but incrementally, you make progress over the long haul.
Re: …he seems to be breaking/bending the rules as often as before, but is accepting of the consequences (most times) better. Do you think we will see a change soon?
It sounds like he’s a slow learner (or late bloomer). Also, he may be getting some mixed messages since your husband is not totally on the same page with you. But I think you’re doing great overall.
What comes to my mind in the way of recommending anything additional is for you to find ways to (a) cultivate some healthy detachment (i.e., not getting wrapped-up emotionally in everybody else’s problems) from both your son and the problems that arise, and (b) pamper yourself (e.g., time for yourself, relaxation, recreation, meditation, etc.). In this way, you will not feel emotionally drained at the end of a bad day (or week). When you keep your batteries charged-up by taking special care of yourself, you have the strength to keep the pressure on (i.e., wearing your poker face; following through w/consequences, etc.). As a result, you out-will your strong-willed child eventually.
You are an inspiration J.,
The Strong-Willed Out-of-Control Teen
The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.
Click here for the full article...
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