When Your Teenager Absolutely REFUSES To Go To School

"Terrible morning... my 15 yr. old missed the bus AGAIN. I told him that if he missed again he would have to walk (about 1 mile). He refused and went to his room. I tried to get him to go but he refused. Told him this was unacceptable and ended up driving him part of the way. What do I do now? He has had his phone and ipad taken away already."

__________

You're definitely not alone in dealing with this issue. Here are some examples to prove it:

School Refusers: Case Examples--

Laura, an eight-year-old girl, has always had difficulty attending school. Since she began third grade two months ago, her problems have significantly worsened. She constantly begs to stay home from school, having tantrums that cause delay in dressing and often result in her missing the bus. After arriving at school, Laura frequently complains of stomachaches, headaches and a sore throat to her teacher and asks to visit the school nurse with whom she pleads to call her mother. Her mother typically picks her up early twice a week. 

When Laura gets home she spends the remainder of the afternoon watching TV and playing with her toys. When her mother is unable to pick her up early, Laura calls her mother's cell phone periodically throughout the afternoon to "check in" and reassure herself that nothing bad has happened. Laura's teacher has expressed concern about her missing so much class time which has resulted in incomplete assignments and difficulty learning.

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James is a fourteen-year-old boy who has missed forty-three days of school since beginning the eighth grade four months ago. When home from school, James spends most of the day online or playing video games. On the days he does attend school he is typically late for his first period which enables him to avoid hanging out with other kids before class. He always goes to the library during lunch. 

When he does go to class, he sits in the back of the classroom, never raises his hand and has difficulty working on group projects. James' teachers have noticed that he is always absent on days that tests or book reports are scheduled. His parents have already punished him after his first report card came home since he received D's in Math and Social Studies and failed Gym for cutting. James' parents have started to wonder if they should change his school placement and have asked the school to arrange home tutoring while this alternative is explored.

Prevalence and defining characteristics—

As much as 28% of school aged kids in America refuse school at some point during their education.1 School refusal behavior is as common among boys as girls. While any youngster aged 5-17 may refuse to attend school, most kids who refuse are 10-13 years old. Peaks in school refusal behavior are also seen at times of transition such as 5-6 and 14-15 years as kids enter new schools. Although the problem is considerably more prevalent in some urban areas, it is seen equally across socioeconomic levels.

Laura and James are just two examples of how school refusal manifests in kids. The hallmark of this behavior is its heterogeneity. Defined as substantial, child-motivated refusal to attend school and/or difficulties remaining in class for an entire day, the term "school refusal behavior" replaces obsolete terms such as "truancy" or "school phobia," because such labels do not adequately or accurately represent all kids who have difficulty attending school. 

School refusal behavior is seen as a continuum that includes kids who always miss school as well as those who rarely miss school but attend under duress. Hence, school refusal behavior is identified in kids aged 5-17 years who:

1. are entirely absent from school, and/or

2. attend school initially but leave during the course of the school day, and/or

3. go to school following crying, clinging, tantrums or other intense behavior problems, and/or

4. exhibit unusual distress during school days that leads to pleas for future absenteeism.

As evidenced by Laura and James, there are varying degrees of school refusal behavior. Initial school refusal behavior for a brief period may resolve without intervention. Substantial school refusal behavior occurs for a minimum of two weeks. Acute school refusal behavior involves cases lasting two weeks to one year, being a consistent problem for the majority of that time. 

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Chronic school refusal behavior interferes with two or more academic years as this refers to cases lasting more than one calendar year. Kids who are absent from school as a result of chronic physical illness, school withdrawal which is motivated by parents or societal conditions such as homelessness, or running away to avoid abuse should not be included in the above definition of school refusal behavior as these factors are not child-initiated.

While some school refusers exhibit a more heterogeneous presentation, typically these kids can be categorized into two main types of troublesome behavior -- internalizing or externalizing problems. The most prevalent internalizing problems are generalized worrying ("the worry-wart"), social anxiety and isolation, depression, fatigue, and physical complaints (e.g. stomachaches, nausea, tremors and headaches). The most prevalent externalizing problems are tantrums (including crying and screaming), verbal and physical aggression, and oppositional behavior.

The cause and maintenance of school refusal behavior—

Laura had several physiological symptoms at school and went home to be with her mother and play. James on the other hand, avoided potentially distressing social and evaluative situations at school which negatively impacted his academic performance. Although many behaviors characterize kids who refuse school, there are a few variables that serve to cause and maintain this problem. School refusal behavior occurs for one or more of the following reasons:

1. To avoid school-related objects or situations that cause general distress such as anxiety, depression or physiological symptoms

2. To escape uncomfortable peer interactions and/or academic performance situations such as test-taking or oral presentations

3. To pursue tangible reinforcement outside of school

4. To receive attention from significant others outside of school

The above four reasons for school refusal behavior can be explained by principles of reinforcement. Any one youngster can refuse school for one or more of these reasons. The first two reasons characterize kids who refuse school to avoid or escape something unpleasant (negative reinforcement). For example, one of the reasons for Laura's crying in the morning is her fear of riding the school bus. 

By tantruming she accomplishes her goal of avoiding the school-related object (the school bus) that causes her distress. Another example of negative reinforcement is when James escapes aversive peer interactions and exams by school refusing. The third and fourth reasons characterize kids who refuse school to gain rewards (positive reinforcement). Laura, as is common with many younger kids, tries to avoid school as a means of having her mother provide her with excessive attention and closeness. Thus, Laura's behavior in this situation may be associated with separation anxiety. 

Another instance of positive reinforcement is exemplified by James, who basically has more fun being at home on the computer and listening to music than being in school. It is important to note that alcohol and drug use can occur among adolescents who school refuse for one or more of the reasons listed above. For example, a teenager who is extremely socially anxious may drink alcohol as a way of enduring distressing social or evaluative situations. 

Another youngster who avoids school may smoke marijuana during school hours as a means of gaining acceptance by peers or simply because it is more enjoyable than attending school. While all forms of school refusal can be equally debilitating, typically, mental health professionals receive fewer referrals for kids who have internalizing as opposed to externalizing behavior problems. In other words, the kid who exhibits anxiety is less likely to receive treatment than the kid who is disruptive.

Alternative School—

Kids who refuse to go to school typically do much better in an alternative school setting – one in which (a) the classes are smaller, (b) they get more one-on-one attention, and (c) they do most of their work on the comport.

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What the Future Holds for Teens Diagnosed with ODD

Hello again Mark,

Things are going significantly better... We have been trying your 3-part mantra: poker face, repeat the rule/plan/consequence, no emotion. Not always successfully, but better every day. I'm still very much grieving the child I will never have and would welcome ideas about how to move through this.

But, my bigger question for today is, what is the outlook for teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder as they move into adulthood? I'm especially concerned that my son is in for a life of turbulent and broken relationships and will likely have trouble holding a job.

I guess I do have another question. Upon receiving his grade card today for the end of his sophomore year, our son declared that he is not a good match for public school and that he will not be going to school in the fall (reminder that his IQ is in the 140s, he scored 32 on the ACT as a sophomore but also has ADD and dysgraphia). Could it be that in his case he really isn't ever going to "succeed" in the system we call public school? And, what is an appropriate response when our child says he wants to quit school? As always, thank you.

_____________________________

Re: What is the outlook for teens with ODD as they move into adulthood?

There are three main paths that an ODD child will take:

First, there will be some lucky children who outgrow this. About half of children who have ODD as preschoolers will have no psychiatric problems at all by age 8.

Second, ODD may turn into something else. About 5-10 % of preschoolers with ODD will eventually end up with ADHD and no signs of ODD at all. Other times ODD turns into conduct disorder (CD). This usually happens fairly early. That is, after a 3-4 years of ODD, if it hasn't turned into CD, it won't ever.

Third, the child may continue to have ODD without anything else. However, by the time preschoolers with ODD are 8 years old, only 5% have ODD and nothing else.

Fourth, they continue to have ODD but add on comorbid anxiety disorders, comorbid ADHD, or comorbid Depressive Disorders. By the time these children are in the end of elementary school, about 25% will have mood or anxiety problems which are disabling. That means that it is very important to watch for signs of mood disorder and anxiety as children with ODD grow older.

Re: Could it be that in his case he really isn't ever going to "succeed" in the system we call public school?

Yes, definitely. I would strongly recommend that you begin thinking about – and planning for – an alternative school setting for your son. Given his IQ, it's possible that he's simply bored with the standard schoolwork and needs to be in a class in which he's a bit more challenged academically.

Re: What is an appropriate response when our child says he wants to quit school?

In many states, once a teenager turns sixteen years old, he or she can drop out of school. By the time a teenager reaches the age of sixteen, half of the battle may already be lost. If the child is struggling with a particular subject or subjects, he may need extra tutoring. As a parent, you can encourage your child by spending time working with him in the evening. If you don’t feel knowledgeable enough to tutor your child, you can arrange for help from someone else.

Many schools now have afternoon tutoring available to help students who are falling behind. Some schools also have “last chance” programs. These programs are typically given at night or on the weekends. They offer students a chance to take a subject or subjects that they have failed, so that they might still be able to graduate on time.

As a parent, you should realize that there may be more serious causes behind your teenager’s lack of ambition. Drug abuse is a real problem among teenagers in today’s society. If you feel that your child is exhibiting signs of drug abuse, you should have him tested immediately. If he tests positive, you will need to decide on a direct course of action.

Never give up on your child. There may be times when both he and you are discouraged about his academic success. Try to hide your discouragement as much as possible, and, instead, let your child see that you believe in him and have high expectations that he will succeed.

Bottom line: Your son will excel at whatever he puts his mind to.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parent-Management Training for Parents of Oppositional Kids and Teens

By the time they are school aged, kids with patterns of oppositional behavior tend to express their defiance with peers, teachers, and other adults. As these children progress in school, they also experience increasing peer rejection due to their poor social skills and aggression.

Young people who are naturally oppositional are more likely to misinterpret their peers' behavior as hostile, yet they lack the skills to solve social conflicts. In problem situations, they are more likely to resort to aggressive physical actions rather than verbal responses.

In addition, children who are defiant and have poor social skills often do not recognize their role in peer conflicts. They blame their peers (e.g., "He made me hit him"), and usually fail to take responsibility for their own actions.

The following 3 classes of behavior are hallmarks of both oppositional and conduct problems:

• emotional overreaction to life events (no matter how small)
• failure to take responsibility for one's own actions
• noncompliance with commands

When behavioral difficulties are present beginning in the preschool period, parents and teachers may overlook significant problems in the youngster's learning and academic performance. When kids with behavioral problems and academic problems are placed in the same classroom, the risk for continued behavioral and academic problems increases.

Oppositional behavior may escalate and result in serious antisocial actions that, when sufficiently frequent and severe, become criteria to change the diagnosis to Conduct Disorder. Milder forms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in some kids spontaneously diminish over time.

More severe forms of ODD, in which many symptoms are present in the toddler years and continually worsen after the youngster is aged 5, may evolve into Conduct Disorder in older kids and teens.

Parent-Management Training (PET) is recommended for parents of kids with ODD because it has been demonstrated to affect negative interactions that repeatedly occur between the defiant kids and their parents. PET consists of procedures in which parents are trained to change their own behaviors, and thereby alter their youngster's problem behavior in the home.

These patterns develop when moms and dads unintentionally reinforce defiant behaviors in a youngster by giving those behaviors a significant amount of negative attention. At the same time, the parents (who are often exhausted by the struggle to obtain compliance with simple requests) usually fail to provide positive attention.

The pattern of negative interactions evolves quickly due to the parent’s use of:

• repeated and ineffective comments
• emotionally-charged demands 
• ineffective harsh punishments
• insufficient positive attention
• poor modeling of appropriate behaviors

PET alters the pattern by encouraging the mother and father to pay attention to prosocial behavior and to use effective, brief, non-aversive discipline methods. It’s important to identify the youngster's positive behaviors and to reinforce these behaviors – and to use brief negative consequences for misbehavior.

==> More information can be found here…

"I am at wits end about my teenage daughter..."

Dear Mr. Hutten: I am at wits end about my teenage daughter. I just recently found a notebook that her and her girlfriend have been passing back and forth. She wrote to her girlfriend that a boy she likes asked her for a blowjob do you think he is using me. She is only 12 yrs old she will be 13 in May. I have talked to her continuously regarding that oral sex is sex and all the STD's she could possibly get from this behavior. She said she didn't do anything swears up and down she didn't but the rumor spread around school and also came back to me. Please help me on how to deal with this problem. I can't sleep at night thinking she could possibly do something like this. All the conversations I have had with her thinking I could prevent that she would not get involved with this behavior hasn't worked. I can't trust her anymore. I don't let her run the streets like other children do, I just can't believe this is happening, I am so afraid of what the future is going to bring. Please help me to handle this problem correctly. I appreciate anything you could do for me. Thank You, D.

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Hi D.,

The topic of sexuality and adolescents often makes mothers and adolescents uncomfortable. It can be difficult for some mothers to even broach the subject of sexuality, and even more difficult should the parent suspect their child is sexually promiscuous. Few mothers want to confront the issues of sexual promiscuity or inappropriate sexual behavior in their children, yet avoiding such behavioral problems can be as risky as the behaviors themselves. Not only does sexual promiscuity cause serious health risks to your child, it can damage self-esteem and the emotional health of a developing adolescent.

Adolescents often partake in risk-taking behaviors. This seems to be a common theme among adolescents, but it can become a serious issue in troubled adolescents. Sex may become an outlet for a struggling teen's frustrations, much in the same way drugs and alcohol serve as an outlet. In this way, sex becomes a drug, a way to escape feelings and emotional confusion. However, as with any drug, there is a backlash. Any teenager who is acting out sexually will begin to feel a diminished sense of value and self-esteem.

In some cases, sex can be used as a weapon or defense. An adolescent might see promiscuous sex as a way of showing mothers that he or she is "free," an adult, someone who can "do whatever" they want to do. Allowing a young person to continue to see sex in such an emotional immature and self-destructive manner can lead to long-term problems with intimate relationships, as well as the child's physical health.

Mothers can best help their teens from becoming sexually active by maintaining a warm and loving relationship with their children – and letting teens know that they are expected to abstain from sex until marriage.

Mothers who are involved in their children's lives, and who confidently transmit their religious and moral values to their children, have the greatest success in preventing risky and immoral behavior. For this reason, it is more important for adolescents to see real-life examples of people who understand and deal responsibly with their sexual natures.

Morals are not abstractions. Morals have to do with real-life commitments to people and things that have value. Mothers and other influential adults (at school, at church, and in the community) need to show adolescents the difference between devotion and infatuation and help them make the distinction in their own hearts.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

The sexualization of girls and mental health problems—

In response to reports by journalists, child advocacy organizations, parents, and psychologists, the American Psychological Association (APA) created a Task Force to consider these issues. The Task Force Report concluded that the sexualization of girls is a broad and increasing problem and is harmful to girls' self-image and healthy development. Sexualization is defined as occurring when a person's value comes only from her/his sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics, and when a person is sexually objectified, e.g., made into a thing for another's sexual use. The report states that examples of sexualization are found in all forms of media, and as 'new media' have been created and access to media has become omnipresent, examples have increased.

The APA Task Force Report states that sexualization has negative effects in a variety of domains:

• Cognitive and emotional health: Sexualization and objectification undermine a person's confidence in and comfort with her own body, leading to emotional and self-image problems, such as shame and anxiety.
• Mental and physical health: Research links sexualization with three of the most common mental health problems diagnosed in girls and women—eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression or depressed mood.
• Sexual development: Research suggests that the sexualization of girls has negative consequences on girls' ability to develop a healthy sexual self-image.

How can parents help their daughters develop healthy self-esteem?

Although the media, peers, and pop culture influence children, parents still hold more sway than they think when it comes to having an impact on a daughter's developing self-esteem. Here's how parents can help:

1. Monitor your own comments about yourself and your daughter.

2. Get dads involved. Girls with active, hardworking dads attend college more often and are more ambitious, more successful in school, more likely to attain careers of their own, less dependent, more self protective, and less likely to date an abusive man.

3. Watch your own stereotypes; let daughters help fix the kitchen sink and let sons help make dinner.

4. Encourage your daughter to speak her mind.

5. Let girls fail - which requires letting them try. Helping them all the time or protecting them, especially if done by dad, can translate into a girl feeling incapable or incompetent.

6. Don't limit girls' choices, let them try math, buy them a chemistry kit. Interest, not just expertise, should be motivation enough.

7. Get girls involved with sports/physical activity, it can reduce their risk of chronic diseases. Female athletes do better academically and have lower school drop-out rates than non-athletes. Regular physical activity can enhance girls' mental health, reduce symptoms of stress and depression, make them feel strong and competent.

8. Watch television, movies, and other media with your daughters and sons. Discuss how images of girls are portrayed.

9. Counteract advertisers who take advantage of the typical anxieties and self-doubts of pre-teen and teenage girls by making them feel they need their product to feel "cool." To sensitize them to this trend and to highlight the effect that ads can have on people, discuss the following questions (adapted from the Media Awareness Network) with children:

• Do you ever feel bad about yourself for not owning something?
• Have you ever felt that people might like you more if you owned a certain item?
• Has an ad make you feel that you would like yourself more, or that others would like you more if you owned the product the ad is selling?
• Do you worry about your looks? Have you ever felt that people would like you more if your face, body, skin or hair looked different?
• Has an ad ever made you feel that you would like yourself more, or others would like you more, if you changed your appearance with the product the ad was selling?

It is within the family that a girl first develops a sense of who she is and who she wants to become. Parents armed with knowledge can create a psychological climate that will enable each girl to achieve her full potential. Parents can help their daughters avoid developing, or overcome, negative feelings about themselves and grow into strong, self-confident women.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

"Reasoning With" Defiant Children and Teens: A BAD Parenting Strategy

Children and teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) can't be controlled, thus parents should spend their time controlling children's activities and material items rather than behavior.

Parents should neither discuss parenting matters nor attempt to "reason with" their defiant children. To appeal to defiant children's logical mind is an exercise in futility due to the fact that most simply want things to go their way - they are not interested in comprise, negotiation or discussion.

Things are "nipped in the bud" [so to speak] by (a) stating parental expectations, (b) stating the consequence for violating expectations, and (c) following through with the consequence in the event expectations are not met. 

All this must be done with no expression of emotion on the parent's part, because children will continue to "misbehave" when they receive a bigger payoff for misbehavior than they do for desired behavior.

When the parent reacts strongly to "misbehavior" (e.g., arguing, lecturing, threatening, rage, emotional discussions, etc.), the defiant child - who is a very "intensity-seeking" child - receives a highly satiating dose of intensity (i.e., negative attention, which is infinitely better than no attention) from the parent. Thus, misbehavior is once again reinforced.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Defiant children do not seek counsel from parents. Instead, they have fired their parents as managers. Parents can, however, be re-hired as "child-protectors" (i.e., parent's willingness to shift from trying to be the child's 'buddy' to doing whatever is in the best interest of the child)...

...but only by controlling what is controllable and leaving the 'uncontrollable' up to the children (i.e., children get to decide whether or not they lose freedom to engage in activities and/or access to their material items such as toys, games, media, cell phones, etc.).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Take Care of Your Mental Health: Tips for Distraught Parents of ODD Teens

"Is it normal for parents to experience a lot of depression as they deal with their oppositional defiant teenagers? My daughter's behavior is negatively affecting both my work and my marriage now. I feel like such a failure as a parent."

Yes... absolutely!

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some of the other feelings and thoughts that occur when parents have to live with a strong-willed, out of control teenager:

• Ambivalence toward the defiant child (“I love her, but when her mindset causes her to be cruel, I also wish she'd go away.”)
• Anger and jealousy (“Her siblings resent all the attention I have to give her.”)
• Anxiety (“I’m afraid to leave her alone or hurt her feelings.”)
• Bitterness (“Why did this happen to us?”)
• Blaming self and each other (“If only I had been a better parent... If you would only listen...”)
• Concern for the future (“What's going to happen after I’m gone? Who will take care of her?)
• Denial of the severity of the issue (“This is only a phase ...it will pass”.)
• Depression (“I can't even talk about it without crying.”)
• Divorce (“It tore our family apart.”)
• Excessive searching for possible explanations (“Was it something I did?”)
• Fear (“Will she harm himself or others?”)
• Feelings of isolation (“No one understands.”)
• Inability to think or talk about anything but family issues (“All our lives revolve around her behavior-problems.”)
• Increased use of alcohol or tranquilizers (“My evening drink turned into three or four.”)
• Marital discord (“Our relationship became cold. I felt dead inside.”)
• Preoccupation with moving away (“Maybe if we lived somewhere else, things would be better.”)
• Shame and guilt (“Am I to blame? What will people think?”)
• Sleeplessness (“I've aged double time in the last 3 years.”)
• Sorrow (“I feel like I've lost my child”.)
•  Total denial of the issues (“This can't be happening in our family.”)
• Weight loss (“I've been through the mill, and it shows in my health.”)
• Withdrawal from social activities (“We don't attend family get-togethers anymore.”)

This is why it is so terribly important for us, as parents, to take care of ourselves. If we don't make a concerted effort to nurture our physical and mental health, we will become stressed to the point of ruining our immune system, which WILL result in some kind of disease process (e.g., cancer, heart disease, joint problems, etc.).

Take care of yourself before it's too late!!!

CLICK HERE for some specific ideas on taking care of yourself...

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When You Have to Constantly Remind Your Child to Do Chores

We started laying down the law to my son Ryan who will be 16 in few weeks and have tried to make him more accountable. He and his siblings are expected to put their clothes in the hamper twice a day, to make their bed each morning and pick up items on their floors before they leave. The rule is that if you want to have friends over/go out over the weekend that you will comply. The younger 2 do this almost without reminder. It is working well. Ryan needs to be reminded.

Today he was running late and looking for his baseball hat. He, per usual...asked for help in trying to find it. Because he asked nicer than his usual accusatory tone I did try to help a bit. In the process of trying to find it he ended up pulling out many clothes, which are now all over the floor. He did find the hat under his own bed.

As Ryan was preparing to wait for the bus, I reminded him of the need to pick up his room. He curtly replied that he did not have time as the bus was coming (which was mostly true and honestly I did not want to drive him if he missed it.) and that he would do it when he came home later that night.

Now I have a cleaning woman in today who will end up picking it all up for him by the time he gets home. I let him go and did not say anything. Thoughts?

1. I probably should have left the cleaning woman a note NOT to pick up his room??

2. I could have pushed it and made him miss his bus but figured this was a case of pick your battles.

3. I did not like though that he TOLD me what he was doing vs asking ...but at his age what is a reasonable expectation. He was not terribly disrespectful ...but he was assertive.

Let me know how you would have handled this.

-----------------------

You are greatly on target. It would have been appropriate for the cleaning lady to bypass his room. And I agree that “not making him miss the bus” was a good call. It sounds like you will have to remind him about chores, however.

Should you have to remind your son to do chores? You'd better plan on it unless you want to feel frustrated. Teens are certainly capable of remembering a schedule of things that are important to them. However, chores are just not that important to them. Furthermore, they don't feel responsible for them. After all, it's your house, not theirs!

They don't feel the same level of "ownership" in the way the house looks. This explains why they can sometimes show impressive cleaning skills when their friends are coming over or they're left at home for the weekend, but don't remember the chores at other times. For regular chores, save yourself the hassle and remind them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Some teens bristle at this reminder, however, because they think that they don't need the reminder. To avoid this resentment, you might include the reminder in a general review of everyone's schedule and responsibilities for the day, or make a reminder/check-off sheet for everyone's chores (including your own). Then you can present the list as a reminder for yourself, also.

Another strategy is to ask your teen to monitor the compliance with chores for the family, including your compliance. They feel more investment in the tasks, and you may share more empathy with your teen when you experience their reminders to do your chores.

Given the arguments and the supervision that are sometimes required to get some teens to finish chores, many parents ask, "Why bother?" Be assured that the effort is, indeed, worthwhile. Accomplishment of chores are especially important for teens because they teach basic domestic "survival skills" that will help the teens to successfully and competently live separately from their parents when that time comes.

This competence also adds to their sense of self-reliance – AND REMEMBER: SELF-RELIANCE IS KEY! It can also foster self-discipline and order, which are foundations for successful employment. And, chores help the teens to prepare to be responsible roommates, the first step in being responsible and helpful community members.

Mark Hutten, M.A.


==> Is your child or teenager oppositional and defiant? Then put these strategies into practice - and reduce or totally eliminate such behaviors...

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

About OnlineParentingCoach.com

Mark Hutten, M.A.                                                                    

Welcome to OnlineParentingCoach.com!  We have joined with Online Parent Support, LLC to create a single resource for children, parents, teachers, mental health professionals, and others who deal with the challenges of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, ADHD and other childhood disorders.

This site provides articles, conference information, educational resources, links to local/national/international support groups, lists of camps/schools, moderated support message boards, recommended reading, sources of professional help, and online parent-coaching.

We strongly believe that everyone faced with challenges associated with childhood disorders should have the right to - and deserve - support and understanding, inclusion, and appropriate education so they and their families can experience the greatest quality of life possible.

We have over 1,600 articles -- and we're adding more all the time. To locate an article, use the search bar at the top (type in your keywords, such as "sibling rivalry"), or scroll through the articles listed below.

Effective Parenting Strategies for Troubled Teens

There’s probably a good reason you’ve found us. You’re here because you want to change your defiant teenager’s behavior, and you want to learn some real parenting strategies that work.

OnlineParentingCoach.com has been giving our website visitors real results since 2006. Here you will find articles with crucial parenting techniques you can use to help turn your teenager’s behavior around – immediately.  So, if you’re looking for professional advice that works, you’ve come to the right place.

Our website is a single resource for children, parents, teachers, mental health professionals, and others who deal with the challenges of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, ADHD and other childhood disorders. We provide articles, conference information, educational resources, links to local/national/international support groups, lists of camps/schools, moderated support message boards, recommended reading, sources of professional help, and online parent-coaching.

We strongly believe that everyone faced with challenges associated with childhood disorders should have the right to - and deserve - support and understanding, inclusion, and appropriate education so they and their families can experience the greatest quality of life possible.

If your child or teenager is experiencing a behavioral problem that you need assistance with, feel free to contact Mark Hutten, M.A. [mbhutten@gmail.com]. You will get a response within 24 hours.

Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support, LLC
2328 N. 200 E.
Anderson, Indiana
46012

Cell: 765.810.3319 (available between 9:00 AM & 5:00 PM Eastern Time)
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

Coping with Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Teens: Self-Preservation Skills for Parents

Is your teenager acting-out in difficult ways? Are you at your wit's end?!

Parenting strong-willed, out-of-control adolescents is tough work. It takes creativity, determination, and patience! It's an extremely difficult phase to go through, but you’re not alone. For too many moms and dads, major conflict is an everyday occurrence.

When this is the case, the teen usually has a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), or at the very least exhibits many ODD traits. Parents can either choose to continue "business as usual" (which will only enrage and distance their teen further), or they can learn how to deal constructively with strong-willed behavior. Here’s how…

How to cope with strong-willed, out-of-control teens:

1. Often times, your best resource is silence (it really is golden in cases such as this). Strong-willed teens do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). When your teen tries to push your buttons – shut your mouth and go about your business.

2. Avoid picking up strong-willed traits. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of your out-of-control teen’s behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying.

3. Detach from the situation as much as possible. Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words and reacting with extreme emotions (screaming, crying, etc.) will only influence your teen to be even more stubborn and defiant.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Don’t “call out” your stubborn teen. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with him or her. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, your teen will likely just become more oppositional. Recognize that you can't handle this like you would any other personal conflict – it's a unique circumstance.

5. For the parent who has another adult in the house (e.g., spouse, partner, other family member), avoid getting cornered. When possible, avoid one-on-one arguments with your strong-willed teen. In other words, when he is pissed and you see him coming to corner you, demand that another adult (or adults) be brought in. This will sometimes thwart your teen’s plans to berate you. Bullies rarely stand up to a crowd.

6. When tempers flare, forget about trying to engage your strong-willed teen in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least not with you. Remember what happened in the course of the last 100 times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with your teen. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.

7. Always remember that anything you say or do while angry will be used against you – over and over again. Strong-willed teens tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. A year from now, you could be hearing about the angry response you had today. Strong-willed, out-of-control teens will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.

8. If your teen’s verbal attacks have little basis in raw fact, try to simply dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as she would like you to believe you are. However, don’t defend yourself out loud. It will only provoke her into another outburst and increase her manipulative behavior.

9. If your teenager is getting on your last nerve, take a time-out. Remember, he just wants to get a rise out of you. So show your teen that he has no effect. Count to 10 silently if you need to, and then state your views with confidence. Look your teen in the eye. If he is still being unreasonable and stubborn, then just ignore him. He will eventually back down when he notices that his attempts at “button-pushing” are failing.

10. Sometimes the healthiest way to deal with a strong-willed teen is to remove her from your environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to verbal abuse. Simply leave the room. Remember that you can’t "fix" this teenager. Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference when possible.

11. Prepare for the fact that your teen will probably blame YOU for being “strong-willed.” You are going to be accused of much – or all – of this behavior yourself. If your teen gets a look at this article, to him it will look like an article about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that your teen’s flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.

12. Prepare to set some serious boundaries. Understand that eventually, you may have to create a separation between yourself and your strong-willed teen. Maintaining a relationship with a chronically abusive teenager is, literally, impossible. When enough is enough, he may just have to go live with his dad, or get a job and find an apartment (if he is older).

13. Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with a teenager who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-esteem. Focus on the people who validate you. Also, realize that your strong-willed teen is hurting you on purpose to improve her own self-esteem.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

14. Recognize that you will never convince your strong-willed teen that he has any responsibility for the parent-child conflict between the two of you. He doesn’t recognize (or if he did, wouldn't try to improve) his flaws for a very logical reason: He doesn't have any flaws (in his mind)! Understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time. But as time goes on, you'll get better at coping with this teen’s behavioral issues.

15. Avoid getting defensive. Understand that you can’t “beat” a strong-willed, out-of-control teenager. She is called “strong-willed” for a reason. In her mind, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can do or say is going to make her consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty – no matter what!

16. Understand that it's not you – it's your teen. If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. This mindset can be surprisingly difficult, considering that the strong-willed teen has complete mastery of shifting the blame. Remember, strong-willed teens "can do no wrong." Chances are, the more often your teen blames you, the more he himself is actually at fault. However, keep in mind that this should NOT to be used as a way to blame your teen. Blaming is what strong-willed teens do – and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts (for your own sake).

Raising strong-willed, out-of-control teens is tricky business. It’s important for them to have enough freedom to make their own mistakes, but they still need plenty of guidance to help them learn from those mistakes. Provide your oppositional teen with clear and consistent boundaries that will focus on teaching peace and levelheadedness – not resentment and retaliation. Lead by example!

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

  

From the office of Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support, LLC
Author of My Out-of-Control Teen

The problem is that most parents of strong-willed, out of control teenagers have tried very hard to regain control -- but with little or no success.  And it seems the harder the parent tries, the more the teenager "acts-out."

I often hear the following statement from parents: "I've tried everything with this child -- and nothing works!"  But when they attend my parent-program, they soon discover they have not tried everything, rather they have tried some things. Learn more about the parent-program.

Now there is an online version of the parent-program for working parents who are struggling with their out-of-control teenagers, and you will experience the same success as those who attend the program in person. 

You will learn cut-to-the-chase parenting strategies that work immediately rather than months or years down the road.  And I guarantee your success or you get your money back -- and you can keep the package I am about to offer you.  This is how confident I am that the online version of the parent-program is going to work for you. 

One of many testimonials: 

“Hi mark. I want to thank you so much for putting out the 4 week parenting course. I have completed it and it has literally changed my life. Honestly it worked instantly. I have a foster child who would yell, scream, abuse. Intimidate, swear, punch holes in walls etc if asked to get off the Xbox or to do a job. Yes he has so much trauma and I think is on the spectrum but I kept thinking I don’t think his outbursts are because of this. The bottom line is I was over indulging him. Now he knows nothing is for free and if he wants anything he has to do jobs. I take all technology at the end of each day and if he wants it back the next day he has to do the jobs on the list. I’ve only taken his phone twice for 24 hours since starting the course. That was all it took. Honestly mark, he yelled at me when I told him nothing is for free, not even a donut at the shop. I kept calm and said I’m not arguing. He now can’t drag me into arguments as I keep repeating ‘I’m not arguing’. I could go on and on how he’s changed. It’s only been 3 weeks but no massive melt downs or holes punched in walls. THANK YOUUUUUUUUU”   


The online version is called Online Parent Support (OPS). OPS includes My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook (a digital book).  In this book, I share over 150 proven techniques to use with your strong-willed, out-of-control teenager.  If parents don’t have these techniques, all they are left with are conventional parenting techniques.  And as they may have discovered, conventional techniques don't work with unconventional teenagers. Learn more about traditional parenting strategies.

=> Does your child often:

• lose his temper
• argue with adults
• refuse to comply with rules and requests
• deliberately annoy people
• blame others for his mistakes and misbehavior

=> Is your child often:

• touchy and easily annoyed by others
• angry and resentful
• spiteful and vindictive

Learn more about defiant behavior versus normal teenage rebellion.

CLICK HERE to view a partial list of topics covered in the eBook.

Believe it or not, your child doesn't need counseling.  You don’t need parenting classes.  You don’t need -- nor would you want -- a 250-page manual on how to be a better parent.  Who has time for that?  And you don’t need to go through another year of pain and misery with rebellious, foul-mouthed teenagers with an "attitude."

However, what you may need is someone who has worked with troubled teens and frustrated parents for nearly 20 years -- and does so for a living -- to show you a set of very effective parenting techniques that are guaranteed to work. That would be me, Mark Hutten, M.A.

OPS includes:

• Live Audio Recordings of the entire parent-program I conduct at Madison County Youth Center
• Power Point Presentations and Videos shown during the program 
• OPS Website -- updated daily with many additional parenting resources
• Parent Forum -- where members of OPS support and seek advice from one another; meet and talk to married and single parents who are experiencing the same parent-child difficulties as you  
• OPS Weekly Newsletter -- provides additional resources for parenting today's teens and pre-teens
• Access to me via email or OPS Chat Room -- always feel free to contact me as often as needed while you begin to implement your new parenting strategies
• 100% Money Back Guarantee

Whether you have big problems or small problems, teens or preteens, whether you are a single parent, divorced or separated parent, adoptive parent, foster parent, step parent, a traditional two-parent family, or a grandparent raising a grandchild -- this material is guaranteed to work for you.

Initially, the parents who attend my parent-program (the same program you’ll get with Online Parent Support) are at their "wit's end" and describe home-life as “hell's kitchen.” 

A few short weeks after they complete the program (which is divided into 4 sessions, 90 minutes each session), the majority of parents report that problems in their homes have reduced in frequency and severity and are finally manageable.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how simple it is to get started with these non-traditional parenting strategies.  Whenever you have a couple spare moments sitting at your computer, you can see how to bring about positive change in your household …change that will reduce parent-child conflict …change that will reduce your stress-level significantly …and change that will increase the likelihood that your child will be a success both at school and in life.

=> Is your child in charge (the tail is wagging the dog)?

=> Does she/he have an "attitude" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

=> Is she/he resentful about something that happened in the past and just can’t seem to get over it?

=> Are you concerned that your child is:

• Having unprotected sex?
• Hanging with the wrong crowd?
• Experimenting with drugs or alcohol?

=> Has your child:

• Lied to you?
• Stolen from you?
• Skipped school?
• Destroyed property?
• Ran away from home?
• Had a brush with the law?
• Refused to follow any rules?

If so, then I hope you download My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook and join Online Parent Support today. Click on the Buy Now button below AFTER WATCHING THIS SHORT VIDEO:

You Can't Lose With My 100%, Ironclad,

"Better-Than-Risk-Free" Money Back Guarantee

I say "better-than-risk-free" because this whole package is yours

to keep even in the unlikely event you decide to ask for a refund.

If for any reason you aren't thrilled and satisfied

with your purchase, just contact me within 365 days

(that's right - one year!) and I'll give you a 100%

prompt and courteous refund ... no questions asked!

Online Parent Support is all about:

• Serving people, specifically parents who are at a point of frustration with their child's emotional/behavioral problems and resultant parent-child conflict
• Providing an invaluable product that everyone can afford
• Providing a parenting-package that continues to grow over time by incorporating additional products and services at no extra cost to existing members

Feel free to contact me.  You'll get no "sales pitch" -- just answers to any questions you may have.

• My email: mbhutten@gmail.com  (I will respond within 24 hours!)
• My cell: 765.810.3319

1. What is your toughest parenting challenge currently?

2. What other problems are you experiencing with your child right now?

3. Do you have any questions about OPS or My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook?

A few emails from parents:

"I just have to let you know that I just started reading your book...I am in tears as I am reading. It is like you have been hanging out in our home, watching us. We are on our 4th therapist in a 3 year period and not one of them have seemed to have a grasp on what we are dealing with, but your first few chapters have summed us up almost immediately. I had to stop and say thank you." -- M.J.

"I had problems with my 15-year-old daughter last year and found your online course. I can’t even begin to tell you how helpful it was in turning my daughter around.  I followed it up with a trip to Uganda – just the 2 of us – for 15 days last summer, which forced us to bond. It’s been a great year this year and I want to thank you for your huge part in that. No more sleepless nights.  Your website gets lots of referrals from me! I think your method utilizing online courses and support groups is brilliant. Warm regards." -- M.H.

"Thank you for your concern for others. My husband and I were at the end of our ropes. I prayed for wisdom and God certainly answered my prayer.  I have already tried some things on the first week actually the day I ordered this and to my amazement - they worked!!  I had already been thinking the turmoil was like a drug for my daughter and I was right.  Thank you so much and God Bless you!" – E.H.

"Tara and I joined your website for our 16 year old quite a few months back. Let me say this after having gone through many different programs for difficult teenagers, your program is very solid. We have told our current counselors and connections about it so that other parents may use your very good resources, too. Our son is to the point now where he no longer argues." – T.M.

Dear Discouraged/Frustrated Parents,

I know I’ve made some pretty strong claims above. And you might be thinking, "This guy is full of it …he must think he can work miracles.”

No, I’m not a miracle worker. But you don’t need a miracle! All you need is this simple set of proven parenting techniques to use with your oppositional, defiant child.

I'm not offering a complete cure for ALL behavior problems, and I'm not trying to claim that every single thing that you'll ever need to help your child is in my eBook. But if you are looking for rock solid and proven solutions to a whole bunch of parenting-predicaments that you have with your out-of-control child, then I'm confident that you can benefit from my help.

For many years now I've been running a very successful parent program, but I wanted to take it a step further.  I wanted to reach out to parents worldwide and help them discover that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. That’s when I came up with Online Parent Support (OPS).  Since its launch in 2004, OPS has overwhelmed users and success rates have been phenomenal.

If you're one of those parents who has paid a fortune on must-have parenting eBooks only to find they were full of useless information you could have gotten anywhere, then don’t make the mistake of clicking off this site before you at least call or email me with some specific questions about My Out-of-Control Teen eBook. I guarantee you won't find this information anywhere else.

You could (and may) spend the rest of the afternoon surfing and "researching" only to find that you've gained a wonderful knowledge of what the problem is without any knowledge of what to do about it.

Let’s face it: You have been force-fed garbage and misinformation that will never put your teen back on the right track.  All you have really been doing is building-up even more barriers and creating more stress – for you and your family.

I'm tired of reading all the bad advice out there …I’m tired of seeing teenagers' lives ruined because they just can’t be controlled …and I’m tired of seeing parents chase their tails in a hopeless cycle of frustration, drama and chaos.

I’m giving you the chance to break the cycle of abuse and mistrust …to bring harmony back into your life …and to keep your child from self-destruction. And I’m going to put my money where my mouth is:

If you don’t begin to experience success with these strategies within the first week, then I want you to email me – mbhutten@gmail.com – and say, “I want a refund.” With one click of my mouse, I will send your refund-request to PayPal (the secure network that sells my eBook), and they will promptly refund 100% of your purchase.

Parenting strong-willed, out-of-control children is tough! If you don't know how, that is...

Here’s a recent email from a new member of Online Parent Support. She and her husband sent this email to their son’s Counselor:

“…coming up with a proper diagnosis and treatment has taken us down many roads, all leading to different therapies, parent-education classes, including Jayne Major's course Breakthrough Parenting Services as well as James Lehman's Total Transformation Program. Through countless hours of research and phone calls, we have discovered the different levels of support are dependent on insurance, out of pocket expenses, including potentially selling our home and putting him in a residential treatment center with no guarantees of a positive outcome. Needless to say, quality intervention has been hard to find. Recently we found an on-line course by Mark Hutten called My Out Of Control Teen. It seems the most helpful and pragmatic approach so far. We wanted to share with you where we are in the course so we are all on the same page in helping our son and family through this crisis.”

$29 is really a painless drop in the bucket compared to the money you could lose over time with counseling, parent-education classes, psychiatric evaluations, treatment, etc.

Yes, for the price of dinner at a local restaurant, you will have all the information you need to jump full force into getting peace and respect back in your house again. If you need to justify the expense, skip taking the kids to McDonald's for dinner once this week - and it's paid for.

If you’re going through the same parent-child conflict that most of the other parents who land on this site are going through, then the problems at home and school are not getting better -- they’re steadily getting worse. How much longer are you willing to wait?  I'm guessing that you have already wasted too much time and energy trying to get some real solutions.

I trust that you’ll take a step of faith here and get started with this on-line program immediately.

~ Mark Hutten, M.A.

WATCHING THIS SHORT VIDEO before purchase:

Click on the PayPal button below to order

My Out-of-Control Teen eBook

and join Online Parent Support for a
one-time payment of only $29.00

This program is GUARANTEED to work,

so there's absolutely NO WAY that you can lose!

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==> Frequently asked questions...

==> Emails from a few of the parents who have joined Online Parent Support...

==> A brief biography can be viewed here...

My Out-of-Control Teen eBook is the

#1 Best Selling Parenting eBook for "Defiant" Teens.
Even if you have a very slow internet connection,

download time is only about 5 - 30 seconds.

Audio CDs of the parent-program are
available to OPS members upon request.
Delivered in 3 - 7 days.

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Cell: 765.810.3319
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

_______________________________________

About the author: Mark Hutten, M.A. is the founder of Online Parent Support and a parent coach with more than twenty years’ experience. He has worked with hundreds of children and teens with behavioral problems over the years. He presents workshops and runs training courses for parents and professionals who deal with troubled children and teens, and is a prolific author of articles and ebooks on the subject.

About Online Parent Support: Online Parent Support was the first “online program” for parents with defiant children and teens, and has been helping parents like you since 2003. Dozens of parents join Online Parent Support every day. YOU can be next! You can start your program in 15 min. from now, and you WILL see positive changes in your child’s behavior within the first week -- or your money back! Has your son or daughter been "out-of-control" for several months - if not years? If so, then alarm bells should be going off. You know changes need to happen!