Our 15 yr old will not go to the doctors with us. He agrees to go then starts a fight just before we need to go so that we end up not going. This week he has smashed two house phones, put holes in walls, doors, spat at me and threatened to run away and kill himself. How do we get him to the doctors? He has also refused the medication the doctor wanted to put him on and when I asked if we could get it and slip it to him quietly, the doctor said that it was unethical!! What now?
`````````````````
Yes … that would be unethical. Have you downloaded the eBook? If so, have you listened to ALL the audio? If not, please do so, because the long answer (which is what you need) to your question - “What now?” - is in there, specifically the technique entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” in the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook. Please read that chapter and listen to all the audio there, then email me again with any specific questions you may have regarding implementing that particular strategy.
Mark
Online Parent Support
She wants to be totally independent...
My daughter who is 16 keeps getting out of control. She wants to be totally independent and wants to emancipate herself. Last week she got her cell phone turned off because she would not physically give it to me, so I found out I could get on the website and deactivate it. So she went out and bought a phone and month-to-month service. I had told her not to. But long story short, her dad physically took the phone from her as well as her old phone, which ended in her calling the cops. They arrived, interviewed us all separately, and then told she had to follow our rules. My problem is that this isn't first time we have had the cops to our home.
How do I get my husband to not fly off the handle and get into a physical situation with our daughter? He has never hit her, but she has been very defiant and won't budge and that is when all hell breaks. I don't even know if anything I am typing here is making sense, but I don't know what to do. I have started reading your book, being told by others I should get her evaluated, go to counseling. We have done all this and it seems to work for a short while but then all falls apart again. My husband doesn’t think he is part of the problem. I know that we can handle how we talk to our kids better and I keep asking him show our kids what he wants done, don't just tell them. Thank you for your time.
````````````````````
Hi L.,
Re: Emancipation—
Please forward the info below to your daughter.
To L___’s Daughter:
Emancipation is only one of several alternatives available to you if you feel you cannot live with your parents. You may want to consider other options such as:
·an informal agreement with your parents allowing you to live outside your home
·family counseling or mediation service between you and your parents
·living with another responsible adult (aunt, uncle, grandparent, or family friend)
·seeking assistance from public and private agencies
Although the emancipation procedure is not exactly "divorcing" one's parents, it is a method whereby a minor can become free of his or her parents' control and responsibility. However, if there are statements on your petition that are not true or if you become unable to support yourself, the court may set aside the Declaration of Emancipation.
In some states, certain forms need to be completed and filed with the court. Minimally, a minor must show he or she (1) is at least 14 years of age; (2) willingly wants to live away from home with the consent or acquiescence of his or her parents; (3) can manage his or her own finances; and (4) has a legitimate source of income. The court must also be convinced that emancipation would not be contrary to the minor's "best interests."
Only the minor himself or herself may petition the court for emancipation. Some of the information that must be submitted with the petition includes a statement explaining the minor's current living situation, why the minor wants to be emancipated and by what means he or she is financially self-sufficient. Usually, the judge will insist that the minor must receive income from his or her own resources, such as wages, and not from the government (e.g. welfare). The judge is also likely to be concerned with existing medical coverage and other insurance coverage of the minor.
Minors are usually required to notify their parents about the petition for emancipation, but if the minor does not wish to, he or she is required to state in full detail the reasons why.
Once the petition and supporting papers are filed, the court can approve or deny the petition without a hearing, but more often sets the matter for a hearing. At the hearing, the judge is primarily interested in verifying that the emancipation is not contrary to the minor's best interests. If the judge is satisfied and the other requirements have been met, the court will approve a final document called the Declaration of Emancipation.
The minor will need to keep copies of the Declaration of Emancipation to submit to employers, landlords, doctors, school officials, and anyone else who might otherwise require parental consent.
Likewise, the emancipated minor may submit certain legal forms to the California Department of Motor Vehicles along with a certified copy of the Declaration of Emancipation so the minor's driver's license or identification card will show that he or she is emancipated.
Should circumstances change at any point in time after the Declaration of Emancipation is signed by the judge, the court does have the ability to revoke the order and notify the minor's parents of the revocation.
Good Luck,
Mark
Online Parent Support
How do I get my husband to not fly off the handle and get into a physical situation with our daughter? He has never hit her, but she has been very defiant and won't budge and that is when all hell breaks. I don't even know if anything I am typing here is making sense, but I don't know what to do. I have started reading your book, being told by others I should get her evaluated, go to counseling. We have done all this and it seems to work for a short while but then all falls apart again. My husband doesn’t think he is part of the problem. I know that we can handle how we talk to our kids better and I keep asking him show our kids what he wants done, don't just tell them. Thank you for your time.
````````````````````
Hi L.,
Re: Emancipation—
Please forward the info below to your daughter.
To L___’s Daughter:
Emancipation is only one of several alternatives available to you if you feel you cannot live with your parents. You may want to consider other options such as:
·an informal agreement with your parents allowing you to live outside your home
·family counseling or mediation service between you and your parents
·living with another responsible adult (aunt, uncle, grandparent, or family friend)
·seeking assistance from public and private agencies
Although the emancipation procedure is not exactly "divorcing" one's parents, it is a method whereby a minor can become free of his or her parents' control and responsibility. However, if there are statements on your petition that are not true or if you become unable to support yourself, the court may set aside the Declaration of Emancipation.
In some states, certain forms need to be completed and filed with the court. Minimally, a minor must show he or she (1) is at least 14 years of age; (2) willingly wants to live away from home with the consent or acquiescence of his or her parents; (3) can manage his or her own finances; and (4) has a legitimate source of income. The court must also be convinced that emancipation would not be contrary to the minor's "best interests."
Only the minor himself or herself may petition the court for emancipation. Some of the information that must be submitted with the petition includes a statement explaining the minor's current living situation, why the minor wants to be emancipated and by what means he or she is financially self-sufficient. Usually, the judge will insist that the minor must receive income from his or her own resources, such as wages, and not from the government (e.g. welfare). The judge is also likely to be concerned with existing medical coverage and other insurance coverage of the minor.
Minors are usually required to notify their parents about the petition for emancipation, but if the minor does not wish to, he or she is required to state in full detail the reasons why.
Once the petition and supporting papers are filed, the court can approve or deny the petition without a hearing, but more often sets the matter for a hearing. At the hearing, the judge is primarily interested in verifying that the emancipation is not contrary to the minor's best interests. If the judge is satisfied and the other requirements have been met, the court will approve a final document called the Declaration of Emancipation.
The minor will need to keep copies of the Declaration of Emancipation to submit to employers, landlords, doctors, school officials, and anyone else who might otherwise require parental consent.
Likewise, the emancipated minor may submit certain legal forms to the California Department of Motor Vehicles along with a certified copy of the Declaration of Emancipation so the minor's driver's license or identification card will show that he or she is emancipated.
Should circumstances change at any point in time after the Declaration of Emancipation is signed by the judge, the court does have the ability to revoke the order and notify the minor's parents of the revocation.
Good Luck,
Mark
Online Parent Support
Will this program help me?
Hi Mr. Hutten,
I have just seen your website and it looks very encouraging.
I have a 14 year old son who is very disrespectful, talks to me like he is talking to his school friends, he gets agitated quickly, he loses his temper quickly, you cannot confront him, as he will want to fight me, and has before, he also threatens me.
I have had to send him to his dads house to live for 3 months to let him see that it is not all roses and he cant live with me unless he changes, unfortunately, he loves it at his dads house, because his dad only comes there maybe once a week as he lives with his girlfriend and my son goes out every weekend and now I have heard he is beginning to hang around with gangs, he also when at home was not allowed to go out to the shop late at night and now goes to the shop on a school night as late as midnight, his father hardly buys food for him in the house, I do supply him with food and lunch money, but I cannot have him at home until as I say he gets better, otherwise, he will continue, as he always says I say things and don’t carry them out, so I have to carry this out.
I’m wondering if your program would help me and my son, even though he is not living in my house at the moment as when I call him he gets irritable if I ask him where he is or who he is with or just doesn’t answer his phone.
I am a desperate parent and need to act urgently, as my eldest 27yr old son says I am signing a death sentence for my 14yr old by leaving him at his dads, but again if I have him at home it would be like I am a domestic violence case, just keep saying he will do better, but still accepting and putting up with his behaviour.
My son is due to come back just before xmas, but nothing has changed as yet he is getting worse.
I want to join your program today, but if this is not for me then I need to find something else.
He has also been in trouble with the law, and that is when he lived with me, he argues a lot with me constantly, and doesn’t give up asking for things even when I say no, he tries to wear me down, he also deliberately annoys people, and blames others for his mistakes, does not like rules,
I just need to get him to a level of giving me respect before he comes back in order to work with him and get things better.
Will this program help me?
Looking forward to your reply as if it will help I will join straight away.
Regards,
Desperate mother js
`````````````
Hi J.,
I’m sure you will benefit from my help. In the unlikely event this program does not work for you, just email me with a request for refund and ClickBank will immediately refund 100% of your purchase – no questions asked. I don’t want you to waste your money.
The parents I work with have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional and behavioral problems on their own, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try, the worse it gets.
Every Monday night at Madison Superior Court [Div. 2], I meet with a group of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. We meet for 1 hour each session for 4 Mondays.
During our brief time together, I show the parent how to use some highly effective “unconventional” parenting strategies to use with their out-of-control, “unconventional” child.
I follow up with these parents weeks and months after they complete the program to track their success, and 80% - 90% of them report back to me that problems in the home have reduced in frequency and severity, and that the parent-child conflict is finally manageable.
Now I want to show YOU what I show them. I want to teach YOU how to approach your child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems.
There is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I will help you resolve most of the behavioral problems, but I can’t do it for you!
If you will read my eBook, listen to my talks, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as you go along – you WILL get the problems turned around. If you will take a step of faith here, you WILL experience the same success that thousands of other parents are now enjoying.
After years of dealing with strong-willed, defiant children, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing or nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But I promise you – it is NOT too late!!
If you’re tired of disrespect, dishonesty, arguments, hot tempers, etc., and if things are steadily getting worse as time goes by, then you may want to get started with these parenting strategies today.
I'm not a “miracle worker,” but you don't need a miracle to get your kid on a good track behaviorally and emotionally -- you just need the right combination of these “unconventional” parenting strategies I’d like to show you.
I’m here for you should you decide to Join Online Parent Support…
Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support
Online Parent Support
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com
==> CLICK HERE to join Online Parent Support.
Problems with 11-year-old son...
Hello Mark
I'm having a lot of problems with my 11-year-old son A___. Not so much at home but at school. We find that he is unable to take it when he is in trouble and it is always someone else who started the fight. A___'s biggest problem is, he doesn’t know when to keep quite, and he is disrespectful to all the teachers, lazy both at home and at school. He does come from a broken family but has a great stepfather whom he gets on great with. A___ will be attending High School next year and this scares me because I think if he doesn’t get control of his problem he will be worst when it comes to High School. So I suppose I’m asking if we fit the part for the need of other source of help. As we have tried all that we know as parents and we want to make A___’s live better more so then worse.
Regards,
R.
```````````
Hi R.,
Well, first of all, I’m glad you have the eBook. Most of what you’ll need will be in there. If you haven’t done so already - and if you want to go the extra mile – have a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation done on your son to test for ADHD, ODD, etc. If you begin to have a lot of trouble out of him in high school, you may want to consider an alternative school setting. My juvenile clients do very well in alternative school because the classroom is smaller/less noisy, they get a lot of one-on-one attention, and they work mostly of the computer when doing lessons.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
I'm having a lot of problems with my 11-year-old son A___. Not so much at home but at school. We find that he is unable to take it when he is in trouble and it is always someone else who started the fight. A___'s biggest problem is, he doesn’t know when to keep quite, and he is disrespectful to all the teachers, lazy both at home and at school. He does come from a broken family but has a great stepfather whom he gets on great with. A___ will be attending High School next year and this scares me because I think if he doesn’t get control of his problem he will be worst when it comes to High School. So I suppose I’m asking if we fit the part for the need of other source of help. As we have tried all that we know as parents and we want to make A___’s live better more so then worse.
Regards,
R.
```````````
Hi R.,
Well, first of all, I’m glad you have the eBook. Most of what you’ll need will be in there. If you haven’t done so already - and if you want to go the extra mile – have a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation done on your son to test for ADHD, ODD, etc. If you begin to have a lot of trouble out of him in high school, you may want to consider an alternative school setting. My juvenile clients do very well in alternative school because the classroom is smaller/less noisy, they get a lot of one-on-one attention, and they work mostly of the computer when doing lessons.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
16-year-old dates 19-year-old...
Hi Mark-
My problem is my 16 yr. old son. A few weeks before his birthday, he ran away with a 19 yr. old girl. He was gone for 2 months. he is at Sycamore place right now, picked up for minor consumption as well as being a runaway. He insists that he is going to be with this 19 yr. old, regardless of what I say, do or think. He goes to court on Nov. 13th. My husband (has raised him since he was 2) says my son is not going to come back home. I don't know what I can or should do. Any suggestions?
Thanks for any help,
S.
```````````````````````````````````````````
Is your husband saying 'he doesn't believe your son will come back home' or is he saying 'he insists that your son live elsewhere'. If it's the later, you don't have a choice. If you are the legal guardian, you have to take him back.
You will NOT be able to keep your son from seeing his g-friend. The only way that is going to happen is if he's locked up - which can't last forever. Fortunately, you have some support from probation. You can go to them and file other charges in the event he returns home and starts violating house rules again. At this point, I would let probation take the lead.
Mark
Online Parent Support
My problem is my 16 yr. old son. A few weeks before his birthday, he ran away with a 19 yr. old girl. He was gone for 2 months. he is at Sycamore place right now, picked up for minor consumption as well as being a runaway. He insists that he is going to be with this 19 yr. old, regardless of what I say, do or think. He goes to court on Nov. 13th. My husband (has raised him since he was 2) says my son is not going to come back home. I don't know what I can or should do. Any suggestions?
Thanks for any help,
S.
```````````````````````````````````````````
Is your husband saying 'he doesn't believe your son will come back home' or is he saying 'he insists that your son live elsewhere'. If it's the later, you don't have a choice. If you are the legal guardian, you have to take him back.
You will NOT be able to keep your son from seeing his g-friend. The only way that is going to happen is if he's locked up - which can't last forever. Fortunately, you have some support from probation. You can go to them and file other charges in the event he returns home and starts violating house rules again. At this point, I would let probation take the lead.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Two ADHD kids...
Dear Mark,
I am a mother of two ADHD kids, 14 and 9. There are a lot of different conflicts that we have to deal with of course, but the main problem we have is with the nine year old who we are on the point of deciding to have examined to see if something else (ODD, CD) that might be the problem, or just that we are not being consequent enough with our parenting strategy.
I have seen your pages in the internet and like the sound of the commonsense advice, but since my husband has been unemployed for the last two years, we are really tight on money and I am reluctant to invest on something that I am unsure of. There are so many parenting tips and tricks and in the end no one is sure of anything anymore. If you think that your book would help up, I would be grateful for a return e-mail with some information how I can pay for the Your On-Line Parent Support and book, I have no credit cards.
My youngest son has ADHD with hyperactivity. He has been the black sheep of the village we live in for the last five years. There has always been trouble with him whenever he is in a social situation, i.e., bullying, hitting, smart mouth etc. In Kindergarten, the situation was under control, however, in the first grade he was unfortunate enough to get a teacher who doesn’t understand the symptoms and doesn’t know how to deal with ADHD kids and in the end L was banned to the cellar for most of the time he spent in school in the first half of the year. Because I already had experience with this teacher, (she pulled a few really fast ones on my older son in the third grade, i.e., wrong books to do homework, or homework incorrectly corrected) I was able, with the help of our Psychologist and Family Doctor to push the school into transferring him to another class after the X-mas break and things improved immediately. He was able to stay with this new teacher for the second grade also, and although there were always problems on the playground, in class everything was fine and he made marked improvement.
L has been playing hockey since is 4 years old. His older brother is also an ice hockey player (in the team for 7 years) and L grew up next to the ice rink. He is the real talent in the family and has been playing 1 to 2 levels above due to this talent. However, this fall, L moved to the third grade, new school building, new teacher, and new kids on the playground and to top it all off, a new head trainer. This is all too much for an ADHD kid to deal with and despite the Concerta) 36mg. + 5 mg. Ritalin in the morning, we are having a phase where I freak when I hear the phone ring because I know that it’s either the teacher or one of the mothers calling to tell me that they had problems with L again. Since the beginning of the hockey season, he has been suspended from training for one week and was not allowed to play any matches for two weeks. Then things settled down until one day we had a match where he checked a kid, and the trainer from the opposing team grabbed him, pretty roughly on the arm, and yelled at him. Three weeks later, we had a match against this team again, and L flipped this trainer the bird right in the middle of the match. Now he is suspended, indefinitely. No training, no matches. This was his life, he thought of nothing but hockey and now he can’t play. And now he’s driving us nuts at home and at school.
His major problems are: he can’t lose, at anything, football, hockey, card game etc. He flips out or “blocks” and then no one can touch him or talk to him. This makes things hard for the trainers who are coaching the matches and have 12 other players to worry about needless to say the teacher. When he is in this state, he refuses to listen to anyone, including me, until I give him a homeopathic medicine, after about 10 minutes, he is back to “normal”. This blocking can happen in the school and then I receive the phone call that I have to come and get him. Mostly happens when he thinks he is being treated unfairly, by fellow students or the teacher. At other times, he will swear at other kids, throw stones, or hit or push them when things don’t go his way.
He gets frustrated easily, allows himself to be provoked at the slightest, he always has to have his way, will yell, scream and even lie to get his way. He will steal when he sees something that he wants from his brother or other students in his class. This week he stole another kid’s homework and wrote his own name on it and when he was caught he lied and said that the other kid’s handwriting is the same as his and he couldn’t tell the difference. Then he stated that the other kid needs to change his handwriting. This morning he ruined my two best, newest, most expensive knives, and lied about it. In the end the story came out that he was playing with them as swords (I don’t believe it) and that’s how it happened. (It’s Sunday and he was up and about before the rest of the family, this is normal for him.) I imagine he thought he was going to get into big trouble and that’s why he lied, but the lying was worse than what he did, in my eyes.
I don’t have one piece of furniture or a wall in the house that isn’t marked up, scratched or gouged. And I have a lot of problems with the older son, who is also ADHD, because I have to spend so much energy dealing with the problems from the little one. My husband is on the point of breakdown, and wants to send him away; because he can’t deal with it (he doesn’t know the half of it, because I don’t always tell him everything). My husband is the type of person who thinks if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist (i.e. ADHD) and grew up with an authoritarian father so that’s how he would like to raise our kids. Despite talks with the doctor and the therapist, he doesn’t really understand ADHD and is always looking for a reason, or someone to blame it on, like myself, or my parenting etc.
My childhood wasn’t exactly rosy either, but my strategy is more like I wouldn’t want to do to the kids what my parents did to me. I am not exactly lenient but don’t want to hit the kids (this has happened, to my shame, in a backlash when the nerves are overstretched) but punishment in the form of chores or house arrest, no TV or Playstation are the only things I can think of. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I am constantly using my energy to think up new strategies or surfing the internet to find tips and tricks. As I said, the insurance doesn’t cover all the therapy possibilities (we are thinking about Neurofeedback) and so I have to find something that doesn’t cost money. The whole family is suffering under these circumstances and my marriage in really on the rocks because I don’t have any energy left over for anything, not even myself.
Please write back and tell me what you think. I hope you have a good suggestion. I live in Switzerland so you can’t really help from that distance, but any leads would be a great help. I tried to send you this mail over your link, but somehow the link got broken and I don’t think you received this. If you did, then sorry for the duplication.
Thanks for listening.
Regards,
J.
``````````````````````
I am a mother of two ADHD kids, 14 and 9. There are a lot of different conflicts that we have to deal with of course, but the main problem we have is with the nine year old who we are on the point of deciding to have examined to see if something else (ODD, CD) that might be the problem, or just that we are not being consequent enough with our parenting strategy.
I have seen your pages in the internet and like the sound of the commonsense advice, but since my husband has been unemployed for the last two years, we are really tight on money and I am reluctant to invest on something that I am unsure of. There are so many parenting tips and tricks and in the end no one is sure of anything anymore. If you think that your book would help up, I would be grateful for a return e-mail with some information how I can pay for the Your On-Line Parent Support and book, I have no credit cards.
My youngest son has ADHD with hyperactivity. He has been the black sheep of the village we live in for the last five years. There has always been trouble with him whenever he is in a social situation, i.e., bullying, hitting, smart mouth etc. In Kindergarten, the situation was under control, however, in the first grade he was unfortunate enough to get a teacher who doesn’t understand the symptoms and doesn’t know how to deal with ADHD kids and in the end L was banned to the cellar for most of the time he spent in school in the first half of the year. Because I already had experience with this teacher, (she pulled a few really fast ones on my older son in the third grade, i.e., wrong books to do homework, or homework incorrectly corrected) I was able, with the help of our Psychologist and Family Doctor to push the school into transferring him to another class after the X-mas break and things improved immediately. He was able to stay with this new teacher for the second grade also, and although there were always problems on the playground, in class everything was fine and he made marked improvement.
L has been playing hockey since is 4 years old. His older brother is also an ice hockey player (in the team for 7 years) and L grew up next to the ice rink. He is the real talent in the family and has been playing 1 to 2 levels above due to this talent. However, this fall, L moved to the third grade, new school building, new teacher, and new kids on the playground and to top it all off, a new head trainer. This is all too much for an ADHD kid to deal with and despite the Concerta) 36mg. + 5 mg. Ritalin in the morning, we are having a phase where I freak when I hear the phone ring because I know that it’s either the teacher or one of the mothers calling to tell me that they had problems with L again. Since the beginning of the hockey season, he has been suspended from training for one week and was not allowed to play any matches for two weeks. Then things settled down until one day we had a match where he checked a kid, and the trainer from the opposing team grabbed him, pretty roughly on the arm, and yelled at him. Three weeks later, we had a match against this team again, and L flipped this trainer the bird right in the middle of the match. Now he is suspended, indefinitely. No training, no matches. This was his life, he thought of nothing but hockey and now he can’t play. And now he’s driving us nuts at home and at school.
His major problems are: he can’t lose, at anything, football, hockey, card game etc. He flips out or “blocks” and then no one can touch him or talk to him. This makes things hard for the trainers who are coaching the matches and have 12 other players to worry about needless to say the teacher. When he is in this state, he refuses to listen to anyone, including me, until I give him a homeopathic medicine, after about 10 minutes, he is back to “normal”. This blocking can happen in the school and then I receive the phone call that I have to come and get him. Mostly happens when he thinks he is being treated unfairly, by fellow students or the teacher. At other times, he will swear at other kids, throw stones, or hit or push them when things don’t go his way.
He gets frustrated easily, allows himself to be provoked at the slightest, he always has to have his way, will yell, scream and even lie to get his way. He will steal when he sees something that he wants from his brother or other students in his class. This week he stole another kid’s homework and wrote his own name on it and when he was caught he lied and said that the other kid’s handwriting is the same as his and he couldn’t tell the difference. Then he stated that the other kid needs to change his handwriting. This morning he ruined my two best, newest, most expensive knives, and lied about it. In the end the story came out that he was playing with them as swords (I don’t believe it) and that’s how it happened. (It’s Sunday and he was up and about before the rest of the family, this is normal for him.) I imagine he thought he was going to get into big trouble and that’s why he lied, but the lying was worse than what he did, in my eyes.
I don’t have one piece of furniture or a wall in the house that isn’t marked up, scratched or gouged. And I have a lot of problems with the older son, who is also ADHD, because I have to spend so much energy dealing with the problems from the little one. My husband is on the point of breakdown, and wants to send him away; because he can’t deal with it (he doesn’t know the half of it, because I don’t always tell him everything). My husband is the type of person who thinks if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist (i.e. ADHD) and grew up with an authoritarian father so that’s how he would like to raise our kids. Despite talks with the doctor and the therapist, he doesn’t really understand ADHD and is always looking for a reason, or someone to blame it on, like myself, or my parenting etc.
My childhood wasn’t exactly rosy either, but my strategy is more like I wouldn’t want to do to the kids what my parents did to me. I am not exactly lenient but don’t want to hit the kids (this has happened, to my shame, in a backlash when the nerves are overstretched) but punishment in the form of chores or house arrest, no TV or Playstation are the only things I can think of. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I am constantly using my energy to think up new strategies or surfing the internet to find tips and tricks. As I said, the insurance doesn’t cover all the therapy possibilities (we are thinking about Neurofeedback) and so I have to find something that doesn’t cost money. The whole family is suffering under these circumstances and my marriage in really on the rocks because I don’t have any energy left over for anything, not even myself.
Please write back and tell me what you think. I hope you have a good suggestion. I live in Switzerland so you can’t really help from that distance, but any leads would be a great help. I tried to send you this mail over your link, but somehow the link got broken and I don’t think you received this. If you did, then sorry for the duplication.
Thanks for listening.
Regards,
J.
``````````````````````
Hi J.,
==> HERE ON THIS PAGE, I stated that I guarantee this eBook will be a big help to you. In the unlikely event that it’s not, just email me and I’ll give an immediate a prompt refund – you’ve got nothing to lose. We don’t scam people here at Online Parent Support. We wouldn’t be in business very long if we did (we’ve been online since March of 2004).
The parents I work with have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional and behavioral problems on their own, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try, the worse it gets.
Every Monday night at Madison Superior Court [Div. 2], I meet with a group of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. We meet for 1 hour each session for 4 Mondays.
During our brief time together, I show the parent how to use some highly effective “unconventional” parenting strategies to use with their out-of-control, “unconventional” child.
I follow up with these parents weeks and months after they complete the program to track their success, and 80% - 90% of them report back to me that problems in the home have reduced in frequency and severity, and that the parent-child conflict is finally manageable.
Now I want to show YOU what I show them. I want to teach YOU how to approach your child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems.
There is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I will help you resolve most of the behavioral problems, but I can’t do it for you!
If you will read my eBook, listen to my talks, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as you go along – you WILL get the problems turned around, and you WILL experience the same success that thousands of other parents are now enjoying.
After years of dealing with strong-willed, defiant children, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing and nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But I promise you – it is NOT too late!!
If you’re tired of disrespect, dishonesty, arguments, hot tempers, etc., and if things are steadily getting worse as time goes by, then you may want to get started with these parenting strategies without any more delay.
I'm not a “miracle worker,” but you don't need a miracle to get your kid on a good track behaviorally and emotionally -- you just need the right combination of parenting strategies to use with out-of-control kids.
==> CLICK HERE to join Online Parent Support.
==> CLICK HERE if you don't have a credit card.
Mom is on-track...
It's been a while since I last e-mailed you. M______ has been to court. They dropped the DV charge but kept the incorrigible which is in his best interest if he decides to follow the rules since they can be dropped when he turns of age. He did get 6 mos of probation and must still meet with his counselor. It seems that things at home have been better since he has motivation over the use of a car. We made him sign a driving contract and when he messes up, we just pull it out and their is no argument (well he tries but it is fruitless). He has been checking in when he is supposed to also. Mind you, this is MOST of the time. He still "forgets" and has consequences. Husband has come around to a degree. What is working for us (again still some arguments over your program and we had to compromise somewhat but like you preach, 2 parents in agreement are better than 2 divided) is that Dad still blows up when something goes wrong, but we hold out on consequence until he is calm and rational. M______ is told that we will decide consequence when Dad and I have a chance to calmly discuss it. We also are saying something like "I may not totally agree with XYZ, but it is Dad's decision and I am supporting him on it."
Sleepy Son
Mark-My 13-year-old son seems tired all the time. He doesn’t sleep well at night for one thing. Any suggestions?
T.Y.
``````````````````````````````````````
Hi T.,
If you have a tired teen, have them read about teens and sleep on a page just for teens.
Print out Awake at the Wheel-it's an interactive brochure for teens-and discuss it with them.
Take a look at these pointers for parents on teens and sleep from the National Sleep Foundation.
The National Sleep Foundation Teens and Sleep homepage has many more great resources.
Here are some "Do’s and Don’ts":DO:
Keep to a regular daily routine—the same waking time, meal times, etc.
Make sure your kids have interesting and varied activities during the day, including physical activity and fresh air.
Use a simple, regular bedtime routine. It should not last too long and should take place primarily in the room where the child will sleep. It may include a few simple, quiet activities, such as a light snack, shower, saying goodnight, etc. The kinds of activities in the routine will depend on the child’s age.
Use light to your advantage. Keep lights dim in the evening as bedtime approaches. In the morning, get your child into bright light, and, if possible, take them outside. Light helps signal the brain into the right sleep-wake cycle.
DON’T:
Don’t fill up your child’s room with video games, computers, toys, etc. It’s probably best to keep your child’s bedroom a place to sleep, rather than a place to play.
Don’t give your child foods and drinks with caffeine in them, like hot chocolate, tea, cola, chocolate, etc. Even caffeine earlier in the day could disrupt your child’s sleep cycle.
Don't let your child watch more than one to two hours of TV during the day, and don't let them watch TV at bedtime at all. TV viewing at bedtime has been linked to poor sleep.
If your child has a TV set in their bedroom, remove it. Research shows watching TV is linked to sleep problems, especially if the TV set is in the child’s bedroom. The presence of other media, such as a computer, video games or Internet in a kid’s bedroom is also associated with worse sleep.
Never use sending your child to bed as a threat. Bedtime needs to be a secure, loving time, not a punishment. Your goal is to teach your kids that bedtime is enjoyable, just as it is for us adults. If the feeling around bedtime is a good feeling, your child will fall asleep easier.
Mark
We are on the right track finally...
Mark,
The situation with my daughter became critical Sunday/Monday, so instead of waiting for the CD's to listen to in the car, I took the day off and read up to the first assignment in the e-book. I listened to all the audio too... I read it a few times.
I realized that the problem is from my being an uninvolved parent. I did all the assignments the first night (except make a contract) and lo and behold, about 4 hours after telling her I had made mistakes as a parent, she came downstairs and announced she was ready to talk and spilled her guts about stuff she has been lying to me about for quite awhile. No hostility (she had been physically aggressive with me just that morning.)
I feel like we are on the right track finally. Thank you. Your info is pretty commonsense (should be, anyway), but I was handling it all in the opposite way (getting mad at her, withdrawing further, etc.)
THANK YOU.
D.
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
The situation with my daughter became critical Sunday/Monday, so instead of waiting for the CD's to listen to in the car, I took the day off and read up to the first assignment in the e-book. I listened to all the audio too... I read it a few times.
I realized that the problem is from my being an uninvolved parent. I did all the assignments the first night (except make a contract) and lo and behold, about 4 hours after telling her I had made mistakes as a parent, she came downstairs and announced she was ready to talk and spilled her guts about stuff she has been lying to me about for quite awhile. No hostility (she had been physically aggressive with me just that morning.)
I feel like we are on the right track finally. Thank you. Your info is pretty commonsense (should be, anyway), but I was handling it all in the opposite way (getting mad at her, withdrawing further, etc.)
THANK YOU.
D.
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
Puppy Love Problems
Dear Mark,
Having read this very interesting info from your website, I am truly interested in attending the OPS you offer, although I’m wondering if you think it will help me in my situation with my 16 year old son D___, he has just started going out with an 18 year old girl he met at work as he works part time, we have had a lot of attitude and behavior problems over the last 6 months or so with him just taking off when things don't always go his way and not coming home. Now he's wanting to have this girl sleep over in his room in his bed and I totally don't agree with it and have made it very clear, he swears at me all the time, takes off to her house for days at a time without my permission, only coming home of a morning, then goes straight to his room to sleep half the day, hasn't been going to school hardly at all since he has been seeing her, and said I am ruining his life and he won't have anything to do with us and will keep doing what he's doing until I let him do what he wants to do, and this girls mother sees no harm and lets them sleep in the girls room together, as I see it as not the right thing to do as he has only just turned 16 last month and has only been seeing this girl for about 2 weeks, since then he has only slept at home for 3 nights during that whole period, two of those nights he has brought her to my home and had her sleep in his room totally against my rules and judgment, and he has warned me that if that's what he wants to do he will do so no matter what I think, using profane language at me, could you please give me some advice on whether I am doing the right thing by trying to make him see my rules must matter in our home and if this programme can help me at all.
Kindest Regards,
M.P.
```````````````
Hi M.,
I believe you’re doing the right thing by not condoning their sleeping together – it’s all a bit weird, don’t you think? I mean how many other 16-year-old males are sleeping with 18-year-old females – in the female’s home! His girlfriend’s mother seems to be a very poor role model.
You will profit from the strategies discussed in my eBook. In the unlikely event that you find nothing of benefit, just email me and ask for a refund. I don’t want you paying for something that doesn’t live up to its claims.
Mark @ www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com
Empty Nest
Dear Mark,
I am writing from _____, Idaho, and am the mother of an 18-year-old teenage daughter who, as of last night, has decided that her boyfriend's parents' home is where she wants to live. She took most of her clothing, which she had bought from her pay at a part-time job. However, she was not allowed to take the car that we had paid the largest percentage of or her cell phone with the plan that we pay for. Her boyfriend's words were, "We support T___ 100% in whatever she wants to do." I am just wondering where we stand as parents at this juncture...Since she is 18 years of age, she is legally within her rights to do this. We cannot report her as a runaway because of her age. I am at a loss as to what to do and where to turn. I know time can heal lots of things but I am really hurting right now. And I am bipolar and am afraid this will really bring me down if I don't do some proactive mental health management! I currently take medications for my bipolar disorder but my husband and daughter really have chosen not to educate themselves about this other than to read a few articles that I printed from various websites.
Please note the following:
· We both still love T___ very much, and did not force her to move out but rather hoped for an opposite final response.
· We are not perfect and admit that we have made mistakes as parents/people because of that fact.
· We didn't realize that she felt this strongly that her life was so horrible.
· We know/knew there were issues, but we do not believe they are unsolvable with some counseling, communication and compromise from both sides.
· We have raised our children in a Christian home, and have consistently attended and been involved with a Christian church here.
· We raised our children using timeouts as the first line of major consequence, followed by spanking as a last resort with discussion of the discipline prior to and following the offense, and have always made it clear that we love our children even when they made mistakes.
· Although it is sometimes not easy for us to do, we have apologized to our children throughout their growing years when we knew we were wrong.
· T___ was adopted as an infant (at 14 hours old) and she has been our legal daughter since nine months of age. She has lived with us until last night.
· She has an older brother who was also adopted and lives in ________, Arizona, at present.
· She has been given much freedom because she is really a good girl for the most part: gets good grades, doesn't do drugs or drink, has always chosen nice friends with strong moral values, is involved in many school activities (sports, academic organizations, etc.), and has successfully held a part-time job for over 18 months
· She and her boyfriend have just turned 18, and she claims to have been thinking about this move since she was a freshman in high school.
· Last night, she blamed her adoptive dad as the biggest reason she has chosen to move out, due to his excessive controlling behavior and constant criticism of her.
· She has fluctuated between blaming me (her mom) and her dad for the terrible things that she must endure at home and in life.
· She has had anger management issues since about age 10, which worsened with her menstrual cycles that started at age 11, but which she claims to have learned from us as parents...not totally untrue, sadly enough!
· She still has issues with fear of the dark, even at this age.
· She has not been sleeping well lately and has been having lots of nightmares.
· She has been gaining weight lately...We did not ask last night if she was pregnant but we felt there was enough conflict and that would just add to the already out-of-control behavior she was exhibiting. I wonder now if that was a mistake on our part.
· She feels that any other family would be better than the one she currently has.
· She has not done anything to harm herself, such as cutting, etc., but has threatened to harm herself in the past although not lately.
· She has currently has become extremely close to another girl who is pregnant, and has moved out of her home to live with the family of and the father of her child.
· She has amazing potential to do well at college but did not do well on her SAT exam (1580 out of 2400) that she took about three weeks ago.
· She has been to counseling regarding issues with her adoption and lack of communication with her adoptive mother that stopped abruptly after eight years of consistent communication at least two-three times per year.
· About three months ago, she was unexpectedly caught with her boyfriend in a sexual situation that had the potential to lead to intercouse but claims that nothing happened.
· She stopped attending church about 18 months ago due to working on Sunday mornings; but had decided to attend a different church three years prior to this because of issues with her youth groups at our chosen family place of worship.
· She feels and has felt for about three years that most restrictions we put upon her are excessive and unfair.
· She has always been extremely independent and able to take care of herself.
· She said that she hated us and that she could not live with us any longer because she felt so badly about herself.
Please help me to understand what to do at this point because I want to make the best choices, not only for T___, but also for my husband and myself. I appreciate this website because I know you have dealt with much worse situations and know the legal ramifications of such circumstances. Please advise as soon as possible so that we know the best next step(s) to take. Thank you for this resource and for your time and support.
Take care and God bless,
B. and N.
````````````````
Hi B.,
You should be relieved to know that this is an easy one for me (i.e., easy to come to a conclusion re: a recommendation)—
As I trust you are discovering in the eBook, self-reliance is key. Fostering the development of self-reliance in our children is THE #1 goal with these parenting strategies. (Self-reliance defined as the “child having the ability to meet personal needs - spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, vocationally - with minimal assistance from parents”.)
When you are undecided about what decision to make, or what course of action to take, always ask yourself the following question: “Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will it inhibit its development.” If it is likely to promote self-reliance, then it is a good parenting choice to make.
Clearly, this is an opportunity for your daughter to work toward autonomy and self-reliance. Thus, if her new living arrangement is a safe one, the she should go for it.
Re: Your feelings of loss (i.e., empty nest syndrome)—
While you grieve the loss of your daughter (although she is still alive and well), be sure to distract yourself.
Distract yourself by focusing on all that is going right rather than on that is going wrong …focus on your blessings rather than on your “curses” (which there is no such thing) …regularly talk about your parenting struggles with someone you trust …accept help and support when it is offered …remind myself that your responses are normal responses to a child leaving the home and launching into adulthood …and give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to take care of YOU.
Your body and mind will tell you what you need to do -- your job is to listen to them.
Your daughter will gain some wonderful experience out in the real world – and experience is a great teacher (a much better teacher than you will be at this point …no offense).
You and your husband may experience some of the following:
· Abandoned pets need feeding.
· The house stays clean.
· There's food in the refrigerator.
· You are delighted to see emails from your kids or have them call you.
· You look forward to receiving pictures from the kids.
· You may feel a sense of emptiness and loneliness.
· You only have to wash clothes and towels once a week.
· Your calendar is often just as busy as it ever was, but it is filled with fun things to do with one another.
· Your grocery bills are lower.
There are many things the two of you can do to prevent the empty nest syndrome from hurting your marriage:
· Accept that you will experience grief and that it hits men just as hard as it hits women. Empty nest dads may feel a sense of regret over things they didn't do and time not spent with their children.
· Develop a flexible mindset and be open to change.
· Don't place guilt trips on your kids. This is especially important during the holidays.
· Keep lists of each kids' favorite foods for when they visit or when you put together a care package to send out.
· Limit how often you call your kids.
· Seek counseling if your empty nest marriage is showing signs of withdrawal, alienation, and negativity.
· Work on becoming friends with your adult children.
· Remember that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” (your heart and your daughter’s heart ) …you have many years of quality mother-daughter relationship to come.
Empty nest syndrome can afflict both parents, but mothers seem to be most susceptible. Many mothers may have dedicated 20 years or more of their lives to bringing up their children, and see motherhood as their primary role. This is true even for most working mothers. Once the last child moves out, the mother may feel that her most important job is finished. Similarly to anyone experiencing redundancy, the mother may feel worthless, disoriented and unsure of what meaning her future may hold. However, most mothers adapt in time. Psychologists suggest that it may take between 18 months and two years to make the successful transition from ‘mum’ to independent woman.
Research suggests that some parents are more susceptible than others. People who suffer the most from empty nest syndrome tend to have things in common, including:
·Change is considered stressful, rather than challenging or refreshing
·Experiences such as weaning their babies from the breast, or sending their children off to school, were emotional and painful.
·Parents who worry that their children aren’t ready to take on adult responsibilities tend to experience more grief.
·People who are full-time parents are more often affected than people who also have other duties to perform (such as paid employment).
·People who rely on their roles for self-identity are more likely to feel bereft than people who have a strong sense of self-worth.
·Their marriage is unstable or unsatisfactory.
·They found moving out of home a difficult and emotional experience.
The challenges faced by parents experiencing empty nest syndrome include:
·Becoming a couple again, after years of sharing the home with children.
·Establishing a new kind of relationship with their adult children.
·Filling the void in the daily routine created by absent children.
·Lack of sympathy or understanding from others, who consider children moving out to be a normal, healthy event.
The grief of empty nest syndrome may be compounded by other life events happening at the same time, including:
· Death of a spouse
· Menopause
· Redundancy
· Retirement
Some full-time mothers (and fathers) return to work or retrain. Suggestions include:
·Consider volunteer work to expand your network of contacts.
·Join professional associations or hobby groups.
·Network with friends and associates to uncover employment opportunities.
·Set achievable goals to start with, for example, short courses are probably more realistic as a first step, than launching into a three year degree.
·Write up a list of all those things you promised you would do ‘one day’ and start making those dreams a reality.
Your child moving out of home is a significant stress. Suggestions for coping include:
·Acknowledge your grief (even if you feel that no one else seems to understand) and allow yourself to feel upset.
·Discuss your thoughts, feelings and future plans with your spouse.
·Give yourself time to adapt to the changes. Don’t expect too much of yourself, particularly in the first few weeks or months.
·Keep up regular routines and self-care, such as eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly.
·Pursue your hobbies and interests now that you have more time.
·Put off making any big decisions - such as selling up and moving to a smaller house - until you feel you have adapted.
·Rituals, such as funerals, help us to come to terms with difficult changes. Create your own rituals to help acknowledge your feelings. Suggestions include planting a tree, or redecorating your child’s old room.
·Seek advice and support from other friends who understand how you feel, some of them may also have experienced empty nest syndrome.
·Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
·Some people find that keeping a journal is helpful, while others find peace through prayer. Do whatever feels right for you.
If one child has moved out and you still have others living at home with you, plan in advance for the day when your nest will be empty of all children. Small changes made over time will mean less of a shock when your last child moves out. You may find, with thought and careful planning, that the occasion of your last child leaving home will offer a little happiness too, as you can then implement your plans for an independent life with your spouse.
Things to remember:
·Empty nest syndrome refers to the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of home.
·If one child has moved out and you still have others living at home with you, plan in advance for the day when your nest will be empty of all children.
·Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
·This condition is typically more common in women, who are more likely to have had the role of primary carer.
Good Luck,
Mark
Online Parent Support
I am writing from _____, Idaho, and am the mother of an 18-year-old teenage daughter who, as of last night, has decided that her boyfriend's parents' home is where she wants to live. She took most of her clothing, which she had bought from her pay at a part-time job. However, she was not allowed to take the car that we had paid the largest percentage of or her cell phone with the plan that we pay for. Her boyfriend's words were, "We support T___ 100% in whatever she wants to do." I am just wondering where we stand as parents at this juncture...Since she is 18 years of age, she is legally within her rights to do this. We cannot report her as a runaway because of her age. I am at a loss as to what to do and where to turn. I know time can heal lots of things but I am really hurting right now. And I am bipolar and am afraid this will really bring me down if I don't do some proactive mental health management! I currently take medications for my bipolar disorder but my husband and daughter really have chosen not to educate themselves about this other than to read a few articles that I printed from various websites.
Please note the following:
· We both still love T___ very much, and did not force her to move out but rather hoped for an opposite final response.
· We are not perfect and admit that we have made mistakes as parents/people because of that fact.
· We didn't realize that she felt this strongly that her life was so horrible.
· We know/knew there were issues, but we do not believe they are unsolvable with some counseling, communication and compromise from both sides.
· We have raised our children in a Christian home, and have consistently attended and been involved with a Christian church here.
· We raised our children using timeouts as the first line of major consequence, followed by spanking as a last resort with discussion of the discipline prior to and following the offense, and have always made it clear that we love our children even when they made mistakes.
· Although it is sometimes not easy for us to do, we have apologized to our children throughout their growing years when we knew we were wrong.
· T___ was adopted as an infant (at 14 hours old) and she has been our legal daughter since nine months of age. She has lived with us until last night.
· She has an older brother who was also adopted and lives in ________, Arizona, at present.
· She has been given much freedom because she is really a good girl for the most part: gets good grades, doesn't do drugs or drink, has always chosen nice friends with strong moral values, is involved in many school activities (sports, academic organizations, etc.), and has successfully held a part-time job for over 18 months
· She and her boyfriend have just turned 18, and she claims to have been thinking about this move since she was a freshman in high school.
· Last night, she blamed her adoptive dad as the biggest reason she has chosen to move out, due to his excessive controlling behavior and constant criticism of her.
· She has fluctuated between blaming me (her mom) and her dad for the terrible things that she must endure at home and in life.
· She has had anger management issues since about age 10, which worsened with her menstrual cycles that started at age 11, but which she claims to have learned from us as parents...not totally untrue, sadly enough!
· She still has issues with fear of the dark, even at this age.
· She has not been sleeping well lately and has been having lots of nightmares.
· She has been gaining weight lately...We did not ask last night if she was pregnant but we felt there was enough conflict and that would just add to the already out-of-control behavior she was exhibiting. I wonder now if that was a mistake on our part.
· She feels that any other family would be better than the one she currently has.
· She has not done anything to harm herself, such as cutting, etc., but has threatened to harm herself in the past although not lately.
· She has currently has become extremely close to another girl who is pregnant, and has moved out of her home to live with the family of and the father of her child.
· She has amazing potential to do well at college but did not do well on her SAT exam (1580 out of 2400) that she took about three weeks ago.
· She has been to counseling regarding issues with her adoption and lack of communication with her adoptive mother that stopped abruptly after eight years of consistent communication at least two-three times per year.
· About three months ago, she was unexpectedly caught with her boyfriend in a sexual situation that had the potential to lead to intercouse but claims that nothing happened.
· She stopped attending church about 18 months ago due to working on Sunday mornings; but had decided to attend a different church three years prior to this because of issues with her youth groups at our chosen family place of worship.
· She feels and has felt for about three years that most restrictions we put upon her are excessive and unfair.
· She has always been extremely independent and able to take care of herself.
· She said that she hated us and that she could not live with us any longer because she felt so badly about herself.
Please help me to understand what to do at this point because I want to make the best choices, not only for T___, but also for my husband and myself. I appreciate this website because I know you have dealt with much worse situations and know the legal ramifications of such circumstances. Please advise as soon as possible so that we know the best next step(s) to take. Thank you for this resource and for your time and support.
Take care and God bless,
B. and N.
````````````````
Hi B.,
You should be relieved to know that this is an easy one for me (i.e., easy to come to a conclusion re: a recommendation)—
As I trust you are discovering in the eBook, self-reliance is key. Fostering the development of self-reliance in our children is THE #1 goal with these parenting strategies. (Self-reliance defined as the “child having the ability to meet personal needs - spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, vocationally - with minimal assistance from parents”.)
When you are undecided about what decision to make, or what course of action to take, always ask yourself the following question: “Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will it inhibit its development.” If it is likely to promote self-reliance, then it is a good parenting choice to make.
Clearly, this is an opportunity for your daughter to work toward autonomy and self-reliance. Thus, if her new living arrangement is a safe one, the she should go for it.
Re: Your feelings of loss (i.e., empty nest syndrome)—
While you grieve the loss of your daughter (although she is still alive and well), be sure to distract yourself.
Distract yourself by focusing on all that is going right rather than on that is going wrong …focus on your blessings rather than on your “curses” (which there is no such thing) …regularly talk about your parenting struggles with someone you trust …accept help and support when it is offered …remind myself that your responses are normal responses to a child leaving the home and launching into adulthood …and give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to take care of YOU.
Your body and mind will tell you what you need to do -- your job is to listen to them.
Your daughter will gain some wonderful experience out in the real world – and experience is a great teacher (a much better teacher than you will be at this point …no offense).
You and your husband may experience some of the following:
· Abandoned pets need feeding.
· The house stays clean.
· There's food in the refrigerator.
· You are delighted to see emails from your kids or have them call you.
· You look forward to receiving pictures from the kids.
· You may feel a sense of emptiness and loneliness.
· You only have to wash clothes and towels once a week.
· Your calendar is often just as busy as it ever was, but it is filled with fun things to do with one another.
· Your grocery bills are lower.
There are many things the two of you can do to prevent the empty nest syndrome from hurting your marriage:
· Accept that you will experience grief and that it hits men just as hard as it hits women. Empty nest dads may feel a sense of regret over things they didn't do and time not spent with their children.
· Develop a flexible mindset and be open to change.
· Don't place guilt trips on your kids. This is especially important during the holidays.
· Keep lists of each kids' favorite foods for when they visit or when you put together a care package to send out.
· Limit how often you call your kids.
· Seek counseling if your empty nest marriage is showing signs of withdrawal, alienation, and negativity.
· Work on becoming friends with your adult children.
· Remember that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” (your heart and your daughter’s heart ) …you have many years of quality mother-daughter relationship to come.
Empty nest syndrome can afflict both parents, but mothers seem to be most susceptible. Many mothers may have dedicated 20 years or more of their lives to bringing up their children, and see motherhood as their primary role. This is true even for most working mothers. Once the last child moves out, the mother may feel that her most important job is finished. Similarly to anyone experiencing redundancy, the mother may feel worthless, disoriented and unsure of what meaning her future may hold. However, most mothers adapt in time. Psychologists suggest that it may take between 18 months and two years to make the successful transition from ‘mum’ to independent woman.
Research suggests that some parents are more susceptible than others. People who suffer the most from empty nest syndrome tend to have things in common, including:
·Change is considered stressful, rather than challenging or refreshing
·Experiences such as weaning their babies from the breast, or sending their children off to school, were emotional and painful.
·Parents who worry that their children aren’t ready to take on adult responsibilities tend to experience more grief.
·People who are full-time parents are more often affected than people who also have other duties to perform (such as paid employment).
·People who rely on their roles for self-identity are more likely to feel bereft than people who have a strong sense of self-worth.
·Their marriage is unstable or unsatisfactory.
·They found moving out of home a difficult and emotional experience.
The challenges faced by parents experiencing empty nest syndrome include:
·Becoming a couple again, after years of sharing the home with children.
·Establishing a new kind of relationship with their adult children.
·Filling the void in the daily routine created by absent children.
·Lack of sympathy or understanding from others, who consider children moving out to be a normal, healthy event.
The grief of empty nest syndrome may be compounded by other life events happening at the same time, including:
· Death of a spouse
· Menopause
· Redundancy
· Retirement
Some full-time mothers (and fathers) return to work or retrain. Suggestions include:
·Consider volunteer work to expand your network of contacts.
·Join professional associations or hobby groups.
·Network with friends and associates to uncover employment opportunities.
·Set achievable goals to start with, for example, short courses are probably more realistic as a first step, than launching into a three year degree.
·Write up a list of all those things you promised you would do ‘one day’ and start making those dreams a reality.
Your child moving out of home is a significant stress. Suggestions for coping include:
·Acknowledge your grief (even if you feel that no one else seems to understand) and allow yourself to feel upset.
·Discuss your thoughts, feelings and future plans with your spouse.
·Give yourself time to adapt to the changes. Don’t expect too much of yourself, particularly in the first few weeks or months.
·Keep up regular routines and self-care, such as eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly.
·Pursue your hobbies and interests now that you have more time.
·Put off making any big decisions - such as selling up and moving to a smaller house - until you feel you have adapted.
·Rituals, such as funerals, help us to come to terms with difficult changes. Create your own rituals to help acknowledge your feelings. Suggestions include planting a tree, or redecorating your child’s old room.
·Seek advice and support from other friends who understand how you feel, some of them may also have experienced empty nest syndrome.
·Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
·Some people find that keeping a journal is helpful, while others find peace through prayer. Do whatever feels right for you.
If one child has moved out and you still have others living at home with you, plan in advance for the day when your nest will be empty of all children. Small changes made over time will mean less of a shock when your last child moves out. You may find, with thought and careful planning, that the occasion of your last child leaving home will offer a little happiness too, as you can then implement your plans for an independent life with your spouse.
Things to remember:
·Empty nest syndrome refers to the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of home.
·If one child has moved out and you still have others living at home with you, plan in advance for the day when your nest will be empty of all children.
·Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
·This condition is typically more common in women, who are more likely to have had the role of primary carer.
Good Luck,
Mark
Online Parent Support
Mark,
We prescribe to your teen maintenance program and we (my husband and I) feel things have improved...everyone knows the rules, no more screaming matches, no more guessing at the consequences. However, I would appreciate your opinion on one issue.
Last Saturday was my daughters 17th birthday and my husband and I agreed to let our daughter have a small party at our home under our rules. I managed the birthday crowd from 30 feet away. Roughly 15 kids arrived and were great until they left at 11pm.
Our daughter and her two girl friends who planned to spend the night were in the guest house. When I went to check on the girls the doors to the guest house were locked. After some banging by me, the doors were open and the 3 gals looked too casual. When I opened the guest closet and found a male friend of theirs standing there, I drove him home. Apparently, he came back to our guest home drunk or under the influence of something (we have a gate, so he must have jumped the gate or more likely, the girls let him in (roughly 2am) and punched multiply holes in our plantation shutters and a whole in our flat screen plasma TV.
When I told my husband this, he just gave a brief "hu" almost a chuckle. He and my daughter are close... My concern is that my husband and I are not on a united front and my daughter knows this, so she "plays" to dad. What can I do to get my husband on a united front with me so he is not enabling my daughter?
Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks, yet again, Mark.
D.
```````````````````
Hi D.,
A weaker plan supported by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one. Having said that, I’ll simply share a recent success story from a wife in the same dilemma (i.e., husband didn’t really get with the program, and in some cases worked against the wife):
Hi Mark,
Anyway, since he’s been force-fed some of the strategies (as well as the reasoning behind them) he’s been a bit more open to going along with me. Our daughter’s behaviour is slowly improving as a result. Although we have much work to do, she has great difficulty playing one parent against the other now.
Just wanted to give you an update,
J.W.
Is this something you think might work D__? If so, you can get the audio CDs of the program by clicking here. If not, we can talk about another plan.
Mark
I have a very out of control 17 year old boy...
Mark-
I just read your e-book and loved it. As you have probably heard before, I have been doing everything wrong. I am not beating myself up, I just need to learn these techniques.
I have a very out of control 17 year old boy (junior, C. He fits your worst profile to a tee. I am a single mom. Dad is an alcoholic and barely in the picture. I also have 2 girls, 12 and 14. Our house is a boil ready to burst.
We already have drug abuse issues with C. and I have a very good outpatient counselor seeing him. My requirement for C. staying here was he keep his grades up (he is very bright) and stay in sports. He is with a better group of kids, busy and needs the discipline. He has always loved football and wrestling. I had to push him into football this season and he was glad I did. I am hearing the same objections for wrestling, which has always been his favorite sport.
He is incredibly angry and wants his freedom. He wants to work, get a car and get out of our home!
His father had a recent relapse and C. has started smoking pot again. I am just starting your program, but am at a loss about whether I insist he go out for wrestling. I believe he will be fine once he starts. It was part of the contract for staying here. I cannot get a hold of his counselor and need to make a decision. Help!!
```````````````
Hi B.,
I think you have bigger fish to fry that “insisting he go out for wrestling” {e.g., anger, drug abuse, alcoholic/unavailable father}. I would say - at this point - to ‘choose your battles carefully’. I think once you digest most of the material in the eBook, you’ll have some good ideas of how to address the most important issues. {Be sure to listen to all the audio}.
Stay in touch,
Mark
Online Parent Support
I just read your e-book and loved it. As you have probably heard before, I have been doing everything wrong. I am not beating myself up, I just need to learn these techniques.
I have a very out of control 17 year old boy (junior, C. He fits your worst profile to a tee. I am a single mom. Dad is an alcoholic and barely in the picture. I also have 2 girls, 12 and 14. Our house is a boil ready to burst.
We already have drug abuse issues with C. and I have a very good outpatient counselor seeing him. My requirement for C. staying here was he keep his grades up (he is very bright) and stay in sports. He is with a better group of kids, busy and needs the discipline. He has always loved football and wrestling. I had to push him into football this season and he was glad I did. I am hearing the same objections for wrestling, which has always been his favorite sport.
He is incredibly angry and wants his freedom. He wants to work, get a car and get out of our home!
His father had a recent relapse and C. has started smoking pot again. I am just starting your program, but am at a loss about whether I insist he go out for wrestling. I believe he will be fine once he starts. It was part of the contract for staying here. I cannot get a hold of his counselor and need to make a decision. Help!!
```````````````
Hi B.,
I think you have bigger fish to fry that “insisting he go out for wrestling” {e.g., anger, drug abuse, alcoholic/unavailable father}. I would say - at this point - to ‘choose your battles carefully’. I think once you digest most of the material in the eBook, you’ll have some good ideas of how to address the most important issues. {Be sure to listen to all the audio}.
Stay in touch,
Mark
Online Parent Support
Time for Alternative School?
"Having problems with my 15 year old son, B___. In the past twenty-four hours.... He returned to school yesterday after a TWO WEEK OUT-OF-SCHOOL SUSPENSION for calling one of his teachers an F----ing B----- and wadded up the office referral and threw it at her hitting her in the face. We had to meet with the Principal and he was told to tow the line or he would be sent to an alternative school. Three hours later...I get a call from school. He was in the ISS room, used HIS CELL PHONE to call the ISS monitor's phone to make it ring many times and disrupt everything. His phone was confiscated. This morning after he left for school, I was picking up things in his room. I found a receipt from the grocery store for the machine that swamps in coins for cash. He had helped himself to $80.00 worth of change I had in my closet and took it in to cash. Everyday it is something else... every day the only responses I get from him are F ___YOU! He is very angry since his Dad left in June. What do I do???"
==> Click here for the answer...
My Out-of-Control Teen: On compact disc
Thank you Mark, it worked this time and I ordered the CD's. It will be a lot easier to listen in my car without my twin 15 year old girls nearby while I drive to work. I am sure I will be back in touch with questions after listening. I am grateful to have found your website and I hope to find some help in single parenting these girls. One is easy, one seems to be the challenge of my life.
Take care,
D.A.
Take care,
D.A.
Teen Suicide On The Rise
Mark-
I saw on the news last night that teen suicide is on the rise. Do you know whether or not this is really the case, and if so, why?
T.T.
```````````````
Hi T.,
Two reports released this week show significant increases in youth suicide rates between 2003 and 2004, following a consistent drop since the 1990s. A study released in the September issue of The American Journal of Psychiatry, shows a 14 percent increase in suicide rates for children and adolescents under the age of 19 from 2003 to 2004. The second study, published in the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention's Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, shows an eight percent increase in suicide rates for individuals between the ages of 10 and 24 in 2004, following a 28 percent decrease over the last 15 years. This is the largest escalation in this group since the agency began collecting suicide data in 1979.
Unfortunately, child and adolescent suicide is at the highest rate in 15 years.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's report, the decline took place from 1990 to 2003 (from 9.48 to 6.78 per 100,000 people), and the increase took place from 2003 to 2004, (from 6.78 to 7.32).
Whether this is a short-term spike or the start of a trend, we, as parents, must do everything in our power to prevent more teen suicides from occurring.
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration placed a black box warning on antidepressants for pediatric use in 2004, which was followed by pervasive media coverage and a 22 percent decrease in the prescription of antidepressant medications from 2003 to children and adolescents. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry advised the FDA's Pediatric Advisory Committee against placing a black box warning on antidepressant medications.
More research is needed to find out whether there is a correlation between the black box warning and this increase in teen suicide. My concern is that the FDA's warning has made families fearful of obtaining help. This is a tragedy as treatment works.
Antidepressant medications, when monitored and paired with talk therapy like cognitive behavioral therapy can be an effective component of treating youth depression. The National Institute of Mental Health's (NIMH) Treatment of Adolescents with Depression Study (TADS) reports that a combination of Fluoxetine (Prozac®) and cognitive behavior (talk) therapy led to significant clinical improvement in 71 percent of moderately-to-severely depressed adolescents.
For more information on antidepressant medications, visit www.parentsmedguide.com or www.physiciansmedguide.com.
Online Parent Support
I saw on the news last night that teen suicide is on the rise. Do you know whether or not this is really the case, and if so, why?
T.T.
```````````````
Hi T.,
Two reports released this week show significant increases in youth suicide rates between 2003 and 2004, following a consistent drop since the 1990s. A study released in the September issue of The American Journal of Psychiatry, shows a 14 percent increase in suicide rates for children and adolescents under the age of 19 from 2003 to 2004. The second study, published in the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention's Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, shows an eight percent increase in suicide rates for individuals between the ages of 10 and 24 in 2004, following a 28 percent decrease over the last 15 years. This is the largest escalation in this group since the agency began collecting suicide data in 1979.
Unfortunately, child and adolescent suicide is at the highest rate in 15 years.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's report, the decline took place from 1990 to 2003 (from 9.48 to 6.78 per 100,000 people), and the increase took place from 2003 to 2004, (from 6.78 to 7.32).
Whether this is a short-term spike or the start of a trend, we, as parents, must do everything in our power to prevent more teen suicides from occurring.
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration placed a black box warning on antidepressants for pediatric use in 2004, which was followed by pervasive media coverage and a 22 percent decrease in the prescription of antidepressant medications from 2003 to children and adolescents. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry advised the FDA's Pediatric Advisory Committee against placing a black box warning on antidepressant medications.
More research is needed to find out whether there is a correlation between the black box warning and this increase in teen suicide. My concern is that the FDA's warning has made families fearful of obtaining help. This is a tragedy as treatment works.
Antidepressant medications, when monitored and paired with talk therapy like cognitive behavioral therapy can be an effective component of treating youth depression. The National Institute of Mental Health's (NIMH) Treatment of Adolescents with Depression Study (TADS) reports that a combination of Fluoxetine (Prozac®) and cognitive behavior (talk) therapy led to significant clinical improvement in 71 percent of moderately-to-severely depressed adolescents.
For more information on antidepressant medications, visit www.parentsmedguide.com or www.physiciansmedguide.com.
Online Parent Support
Vitamin B12 Injections for Autism
Mark,
Have you heard anything about vitamin B12 shots for autism? And if so, do you know about it's effectiveness?
C.W.
``````````````````````````
Hi C.,
Unfortunately, preliminary results of a small ongoing study of vitamin B12 injections for children with autism showed no signs of significant benefit, but researchers remain hopeful.
Hope is derived from anecdotal reports of remarkable clinical improvements using subcutaneous vitamin B12 (methyl cobalamin), although there have been no supporting published studies. Vitamin B12 is an antioxidant involved in metabolism pathways for cellular methylation, which has been implicated in other neurological disorders like schizophrenia and Alzheimer's Disease.
The researchers reported that no significant benefits have turned up yet for the 14 patients who have completed three months in the current double-blind crossover study. They found no significant differences with active versus placebo treatment for the following measures:
· Clinical Global Impression Scale Improvement (P=0.4129),
· Peabody Picture Vocabulary Test scores (P=0.2895), and
· Social Communication Questionnaire verbal results (P=0.4211).
A significant improvement found for nonverbal Social Communication Questionnaire scores in the vitamin B12 group compared to placebo (P=0.0309) disappeared after adjusting for multiple testing.
The researchers randomized half of the participants to six weeks of 64.5 ug/kg of subcutaneous methyl cobalamin injections every three days and the other half to a similar schedule of saline injections disguised to maintain the double-blind. For the following six weeks, the children were crossed over to the opposite group.
Diagnosis of autism was confirmed using several clinical measures including the Vineland Adaptive Behavior Scales, Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule, and Mullen Scales of Early Learning. Patients could stay on all other treatment modalities they entered with but no additions were allowed during the trial.
Interestingly, several of the children seemed to respond well. Three of the eight participants who subsequently completed three months of open-label therapy and two of the five who have completed six months were rated "much improved" on the Clinical Global Impression Improvement scale.
While there is a general trend toward improvement in several of the subjects, this trend does not reach group significance with this small sample size.
Autism is so heterogeneous - you can't expect one treatment is going to work for all kids with autism.
The real usefulness of the study may be to indicate which patients will respond to the treatment, which is generally thought to have few side effects.
The study does not have a traditional design and will likely be scrutinized critically. It is a wonderful bridge between research and the complimentary and alternative medicine that so many patients are using where ground needs to be broken.
The researchers said they plan to enroll at least 42 children in the study, which was supported by the University of California at Davis.
Online Parent Support
Have you heard anything about vitamin B12 shots for autism? And if so, do you know about it's effectiveness?
C.W.
``````````````````````````
Hi C.,
Unfortunately, preliminary results of a small ongoing study of vitamin B12 injections for children with autism showed no signs of significant benefit, but researchers remain hopeful.
Hope is derived from anecdotal reports of remarkable clinical improvements using subcutaneous vitamin B12 (methyl cobalamin), although there have been no supporting published studies. Vitamin B12 is an antioxidant involved in metabolism pathways for cellular methylation, which has been implicated in other neurological disorders like schizophrenia and Alzheimer's Disease.
The researchers reported that no significant benefits have turned up yet for the 14 patients who have completed three months in the current double-blind crossover study. They found no significant differences with active versus placebo treatment for the following measures:
· Clinical Global Impression Scale Improvement (P=0.4129),
· Peabody Picture Vocabulary Test scores (P=0.2895), and
· Social Communication Questionnaire verbal results (P=0.4211).
A significant improvement found for nonverbal Social Communication Questionnaire scores in the vitamin B12 group compared to placebo (P=0.0309) disappeared after adjusting for multiple testing.
The researchers randomized half of the participants to six weeks of 64.5 ug/kg of subcutaneous methyl cobalamin injections every three days and the other half to a similar schedule of saline injections disguised to maintain the double-blind. For the following six weeks, the children were crossed over to the opposite group.
Diagnosis of autism was confirmed using several clinical measures including the Vineland Adaptive Behavior Scales, Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule, and Mullen Scales of Early Learning. Patients could stay on all other treatment modalities they entered with but no additions were allowed during the trial.
Interestingly, several of the children seemed to respond well. Three of the eight participants who subsequently completed three months of open-label therapy and two of the five who have completed six months were rated "much improved" on the Clinical Global Impression Improvement scale.
While there is a general trend toward improvement in several of the subjects, this trend does not reach group significance with this small sample size.
Autism is so heterogeneous - you can't expect one treatment is going to work for all kids with autism.
The real usefulness of the study may be to indicate which patients will respond to the treatment, which is generally thought to have few side effects.
The study does not have a traditional design and will likely be scrutinized critically. It is a wonderful bridge between research and the complimentary and alternative medicine that so many patients are using where ground needs to be broken.
The researchers said they plan to enroll at least 42 children in the study, which was supported by the University of California at Davis.
Online Parent Support
Too Much T.V.!?
Mark,
Thanks for your time. I have another questions. What can you do when your son is addicted to t.v. Do I take that privilege away, limit it...? He doesn't do homework or chores becasue he is always glued to the T.V. It's becoming a real problem. It's like the more t.v. he watches, the more problems we are having. Can T.V affect a child's behavior?
J.C.
`````````````
Hi J.,
American children watch an average of three to fours hours of television daily. Television can be a powerful influence in developing value systems and shaping behavior. Unfortunately, much of today's television programming is violent. Hundreds of studies of the effects of TV violence on children and teenagers have found that children may:
· become "immune" or numb to the horror of violence
· gradually accept violence as a way to solve problems
· identify with certain characters, victims and/or victimizers
· imitate the violence they observe on television; and
Children with emotional, behavioral, learning or impulse control problems may be more easily influenced by TV violence. The impact of TV violence may be immediately evident in the child's behavior or may surface years later. Young people can even be affected when the family atmosphere shows no tendency toward violence.
Extensive viewing of television violence by children causes greater aggressiveness. Sometimes, watching a single violent program can increase aggressiveness. Children who view shows in which violence is very realistic, frequently repeated or unpunished, are more likely to imitate what they see.
While TV violence is not the only cause of aggressive or violent behavior, it is clearly a significant factor. Parents can protect children from excessive TV violence in the following ways:
·disapprove of the violent episodes in front of the children, stressing the belief that such behavior is not the best way to resolve a problem
·pay attention to the programs their children are watching and watch some with them
·point out that although the actor has not actually been hurt or killed, such violence in real life results in pain or death
·refuse to let the children see shows known to be violent, and change the channel or turn off the TV set when offensive material comes on, with an explanation of what is wrong with the program
·set limits on the amount of time they spend with the television; consider removing the TV set from the child=s bedroom
·to offset peer pressure among friends and classmates, contact other parents and agree to enforce similar rules about the length of time and type of program the children may watch
Parents can also use these measures to prevent harmful effects from television in other areas such as racial or sexual stereotyping. The amount of time children watch TV, regardless of content, should be moderated because it decreases time spent on more beneficial activities such as reading, playing with friends, and developing hobbies.
More tips…
Be conscious of what your teen is watching away from home.
1.Casually ask them what they did at a friend's house and use open-ended questions. This will give you some insight into what they may be watching away from home.
2.Encourage your teen not to watch inappropriate shows away from home.
3.Talk to your teen's friends and their parents about your beliefs on TV viewing.
Cut down the amount of time your teen watches TV - Involve your teen in other activities he enjoys.
1.Designate certain evenings for special family activities, like a family bike ride or a game.
2.Encourage your teen take part in sports, games, hobbies, and music.
3.Put books, magazines, and board games in the family room to provide your teen the opportunity to do something other than watch television.
Want your teen to rethink his TV viewing habits? Go without TV for a week.
1.Be creative in finding alternatives to TV like scavenger hunts around the house.
2.Get the whole family involved and find activities you can do together.
Tips to keeping your teen from watching violence on TV:
1.Be aware of what your teen is seeing on the news. Often the news can include graphic violence and other adult material that may not be suitable for children.
2.Do not allow your teen to watch violence on television. To help monitor his viewing habits when you are gone, consider installing parental controls.
3.Share your beliefs and values when it comes to watching TV, and set a good example.
Tips to Encouraging Your Teen to Watch Less TV:
1.Keep the TV off during family mealtimes.
2.Limit your children's daily and weekend TV viewing time. For instance, no TV before school, during homework, or late at night.
3.Limit your teen's ability to watch shows that contain adult content or violence by using parental controls available on most televisions.
Set a good example for your teen's TV viewing habits. Be a role model.
1.Spend your free time reading, exercising, or interacting with your family.
2.Turn off the TV when a particular show is over.
3.Watch adult programs when your teen is not present.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I am making a presentation to my class on ODD...
Thanks Mark,
I am a student studying Masters in Counselling at Wesley Institute, Sydney, Australia. I am making a presentation to my class on ODD - assessments etc., and my opinions and their downfalls. I also have at least one client that has been labelled ODD so far and find it greatly challenging with him. Your site is great and encouraging to a beginner in this field.
J.W.
MyOutOfControlTeen.com
I am a student studying Masters in Counselling at Wesley Institute, Sydney, Australia. I am making a presentation to my class on ODD - assessments etc., and my opinions and their downfalls. I also have at least one client that has been labelled ODD so far and find it greatly challenging with him. Your site is great and encouraging to a beginner in this field.
J.W.
MyOutOfControlTeen.com
The last straw...
hi mark,
I am contacting you with the hope that you can maybe put me in the right direction to help my teen. Firstly i need some advice. don't know what to do. He is not conforming at all …he struggles to maintain any education program. There always seems to be a problem with the teacher. lack of organization, motivation. Its always somebody elses fault. He lacks motivation always late has no idea of time. He refuses to take any responsibility for his actions and does not see that he has any problems or how his behaviour affects his family members. He is lazy It is always a battle to get him to clean up after himself to be honest he is utterly disgusting i never thought that anybody can be so nasty and uncaring. his bedroom floor is a dustbin he has constant mood swings. He only seems happy when he is left alone to do what ever he wants. I am completely worried for him and for his future.
He has had brushes with the law and it is the grace of god that he has not ended up in prison. He is only 17. I often felt he had a form of aspergers. He attended a few consultations but the consultant does not want to label him. Also my son does not want to attend any more sessions. He finds it very hard to open up and talk about what is happening inside his head. I have got to a stage where i cannot take any more of his behaviour it has caused so many problems in the household. he thinks completely different and has an answer to everything but never straight answers. the last straw came when i found some cannabis in his room he completely denied any knowledge of it but we know that he does smoke it. He says he was looking after it for a friend, but he could not see that he was disrespecting our family values and home. I think this seems to be a big issue that he does not see the consequences of things or think about other peoples feelings. Does not sleep much always restless at nighttime will often spend up to 3 to 4 hours on the phone.
Sorry to have to write you a negative letter. But I need help to try and help this teen to be a good person in society and to get some kind of education. I am probably one of many that has said I have tried everything!!!!! He is very talented in music and sport but he cant even be bothered to get him self ready or turn up on time.
help !!!
B.
```````````
Hi B.,
You’ve mentioned quite a few problems here:
· poor academic performance
· time management difficulties
· lacks motivation
· mood swings
· brushes w/law
· possible cannabis abuse
· sleep problems
Not that this will be any consolation to you, but you just described all the other teens I work with.
Going on what you’ve told me, his behavior doesn’t seem to be reminiscent of Aspergers, rather ADHD.
Please review THIS PAGE re: poor academic performance and drug abuse. Also, I think the power point presentation FOUND HERE will be of some benefit.
In addition, CLICK HERE for a complete rundown on ADHD symptoms and treatment.
I trust that the above will shed some light on things,
Mark
Things are running more smoothly...
Hi Mark,
It has been a couple of months since I have emailed you. I went back over the e-book and got some clarification. I must admit, though, I feel some things are still not presented clearly. However, in genera, things are running more smoothly. The kids have more jobs to do (nothing for free) and don't complain when I ask them to help out (well, most of the time!). They actually offer to help more now, which I find amazing. For the most part, we have pleasant dinners and car rides now. A couple of weeks ago the kids got a 3 day grounding for a major fight in the car. It took 7 days to work through it, but finally they managed to spend 3 days being pleasant to each other and everyone else. It was the most peaceful, consecutive 3 days we have ever had with our kids! Truly wonderful!
However, my daughter B___ (11) is complaining that we are being grossly unfair when her 3 day groundings start over, so I would like to run this by you. Maybe we are being too harsh. This is the latest scenario. 5 days ago B___ was angry at me regarding something I was going to do with her brother (7 yo) and came into his room while I was there and gave him a full force kick and punch. I sent her to her room to calm down and told her that she was grounded for 3 days. (If the kids just get into a little physical fight they only get 1 day. But this was an unprovoked and brutal attack, I felt). She felt this was grossly unfair, screamed/yelled, clawed/scratched her neck, choked herself, threw something at me etc. I stayed calm, she eventually calmed down but accused me of not caring about her because I let her hurt herself. We didn't give her very much sympathy, just said it must really hurt.
(To get off grounding for physical violence my kids have to 1. get their jobs done on time; 2. no physical/verbal violence to each other; 3. no physical/verbal violence or disrespectful talk to parents and 4. do what they are told. Any infringement is cause for restarting the 3 day grounding. For 2 and 3, I do not give warnings, the grounding just starts over. )
For the past 5 days they have had some small fights which have resulted in Eric getting a couple of one day groundings and B___ having to restart her 3 day grounding. Tonight she had one day left of the 3. Eric was playing on the floor. She walked over and picked up a piece of what he was playing with; he told her to put it back, she did nothing, he started yelling at her and tried to grab it; she still said/did nothing but did not give it to him. He finally started punching her. He got a one day grounding and she started her 3 days over. (I did not give them a warning to stop) B___ said she was doing 'nothing'. They were sent to their rooms to cool off for a few minutes until supper time. 15 minutes later I went to get B for supper, and she told me that to restart her 3 days was very unfair. She said she did nothing wrong. I told her that I understood that she felt that way, but that I disagreed. I asked her if she could think of something that she could have done differently to prevent the blow up. She couldn't. I said that it was a matter of timing. She could have chosen to give the toy back right when Eric first asked for it. I agreed that he did overreact. I said, calmly, that that was the way the rule worked. B___ got very upset, started yelling, pulling her hair out and scratching at her neck. I said I was going to eat and she could come up later and eat after we were done. She accused me of not caring b/c I was leaving her when she was hurt.
I am concerned about this self-mutilation she has started to do. She often threatens to cut herself with scissors but has not. But to be honest, I am wondering if I am being too hard with this grounding. I would appreciate it if you could tell me if any part of the above is unreasonable or unfair, or if I should handle it a different way.
Thanks,
L.
`````````````
Hi L.,
Re: things are not presented clearly.
If parents read the entire eBook and listen to all the audio files, the strategies are usually fairly clear. If you haven't viewed all the power points and listened to all the audio, you may benefit from doing so.
Please read this page re: cutting ==> click here.
Re: 3-day-discipline. I think these emails from parents with similar questions will help clarify:
Re: things are not presented clearly.
If parents read the entire eBook and listen to all the audio files, the strategies are usually fairly clear. If you haven't viewed all the power points and listened to all the audio, you may benefit from doing so.
Please read this page re: cutting ==> click here.
Re: 3-day-discipline. I think these emails from parents with similar questions will help clarify:
How Do They Earn Their Way Off Discipline?
How do you eat an elephant?
I hope this helps. Stay in touch.
Mark
I feel like we're leading a secret life...
Hi Mark,
My husband and I have been reading your info online and find it very helpful and educational.
Our son, has been out of school for 2 weeks. We kept him home for one week before he was hospitalized. He was in a depression and had hit his low. This week he checked in to a very nice facility in Pasadena and has been out. He has a teacher, nurse, doctors, support groups etc.
My problem is talking to people to ask where he is or the attendance office at school. My husband and I usually say, "He was under some stress and needed some time off." Last night my husband and I went to our first session with him with his psychologist (Who he likes and listens to). It was a tough but good session.
Tonight is back to school night. My husband will stay home with our 9 year old and I will go and meet his teachers whom we have been in contact with. He is a bright student in the honors program. They move very fast in class. He is a Junior. I have asked for another homework packet for the week for our son to work on while he is not at school. What do I say tonight at the "Back to School Night"?
I did send a letter to his teachers saying: upon his return to school if the teachers would ease him into the schoolwork, so as not to stress or overwhelm him. His water polo coach is the one we will have the most trouble with. We have left 2 messages for him and he has not returned either one. He is going to ride our son upon his return.
They are trying our son on Depacote 250mg. twice a day. With this we need him to exercise. Our son is very good water polo player and need to return for exercise so as not to have a weight gain. He can tend to get a little overweight w/o exercise.
I feel like we're leading a secret life in what to tell people and not to be too honest, for they will judge him or label him later.
AAAhhhhhhhh.....
Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
D. and C.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
This is easier said than done, but don’t try to cover-up anything. I’m concerned that will create more problems than it prevents. And do NOT attempt to get teachers to pamper your son. This too may cause more problems than it solves.
Are you taking on too much responsibility for your son, and are you trying to save him from uncomfortable emotions? If so, this goes against the grain of the parenting program you are currently working.
Mark
Online Parent Support
My husband and I have been reading your info online and find it very helpful and educational.
Our son, has been out of school for 2 weeks. We kept him home for one week before he was hospitalized. He was in a depression and had hit his low. This week he checked in to a very nice facility in Pasadena and has been out. He has a teacher, nurse, doctors, support groups etc.
My problem is talking to people to ask where he is or the attendance office at school. My husband and I usually say, "He was under some stress and needed some time off." Last night my husband and I went to our first session with him with his psychologist (Who he likes and listens to). It was a tough but good session.
Tonight is back to school night. My husband will stay home with our 9 year old and I will go and meet his teachers whom we have been in contact with. He is a bright student in the honors program. They move very fast in class. He is a Junior. I have asked for another homework packet for the week for our son to work on while he is not at school. What do I say tonight at the "Back to School Night"?
I did send a letter to his teachers saying: upon his return to school if the teachers would ease him into the schoolwork, so as not to stress or overwhelm him. His water polo coach is the one we will have the most trouble with. We have left 2 messages for him and he has not returned either one. He is going to ride our son upon his return.
They are trying our son on Depacote 250mg. twice a day. With this we need him to exercise. Our son is very good water polo player and need to return for exercise so as not to have a weight gain. He can tend to get a little overweight w/o exercise.
I feel like we're leading a secret life in what to tell people and not to be too honest, for they will judge him or label him later.
AAAhhhhhhhh.....
Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
D. and C.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
This is easier said than done, but don’t try to cover-up anything. I’m concerned that will create more problems than it prevents. And do NOT attempt to get teachers to pamper your son. This too may cause more problems than it solves.
Are you taking on too much responsibility for your son, and are you trying to save him from uncomfortable emotions? If so, this goes against the grain of the parenting program you are currently working.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Dealing with Violent Behavior in Kids & Teens
"My son sucker punched me. I'm not violent, and to say the least, it really surprised and hurt me (emotionally, he didn't hit hard enough to hurt) ...he is 13."
==> Click here for help with violent behavior in your child...
Now we find ourselves in another prediciment...
Mark, I am not sure if you remember me but my name is D___ and my husband and I build Target Stores across the country and currently we are building one in Michigan. I talked to you last year about my then 15 year old step-daughter who had called CPS on us, NUMEROUS TIMES, and you were beyond helpful. We did get and read your wonderful E-book. Did we DO it??? Well, we tried to, meant to, wanted to... but no we did not. Now we find ourselves in another prediciment with L__ and I am literally ready to pack my bags and walk out of here and I need some back-up desperately.
I do not want to leave but I need my husband on-board here and helping with L__, who is now 16. Due to his lack of involvement over the past 9 HORRID years of marriage and MY raising L__ alone, he does not get it! I am very strict! DO I think too strict? No. L__ is out to kill us, at least me, mentally. She does the most subversive things and I cannot believe he does not see it! He then will see her fake tears, that FLOW ALL THE TIME, and he then shows some sign of "poor thing" and I swear I want to SCREAM! And Do!
L__ is horrible, uncontrollable, I cannot do my job because she cannot be trusted anywhere in the house! So my job suffers and his flourishes! I protect him from her like I am the posterchild for co-dependency and then hate myself. It appears to be a no-win. Maybe it is. She does not care about anyone but her! Period. My other children...She could care less!
Last night she walked to Burger King and decided to stop at a creek and sit in the middle of it and take glass and barely carve her wrist (ex nursing background) and then comes back home, wet, crying and saying "I did something really bad". Hell, I thought she stole something, AGAIN. I was working at my home office but she proceed to throw a "attention-cide" fit like the ones we have seen MANY times before. When we asked her why, she says "because she cannot take her consquences".
Her wrist was nothing. I have scratched myself on worse while walking the dogs! It was the WHOLE earlier part of the day where she had decided she must have some mental dis-order because she cannot do what is right and demanded to go a shrink. When we said we had NO mental health coverage and that she had tapped us out last time, she was furious! Also, C___ and I know her pattern. She was playing us with her wrist (and admitted it later) to "get" to a shrink" to get her FIX of plundering US!
Now here we are! Today. Ruined! Another day of MY work lost! I am losing it! Please, what can we do? We would gladly pay for your time on a phone call if possible. Anyhow... I am sorry to write and unload. I have just had it. Take Care, D.
```````````````````````
Hi D.,
Yes, I remember you well.
I think you'll have to detach emotionally. It seems to me that you are (a) taking on too much responsibility, (b) taking your daughter's behavior too personally, and (c) taking life too seriously [the life of a co-dependent].
I would suggest that you get busy taking care of YOU, and put other people's problems in God's hands. The less responsibility you take for others, the more responsibility they will take for themselves. The more you can lighten-up, the more others will lighten-up.
Co-dependence is a condition of lost self-hood. It is defined as any suffering that is associated with, or results from, focusing on the needs and behavior of others. It can mimic, be associated with, aggravate, and even lead to many of the physical, mental, emotional or spiritual conditions that befall us in daily life.
We become co-dependent when we turn our responsibility for our life and happiness over to other people. Co-dependents become so pre-occupied with others that they neglect their true self - who they really are.
When we focus so much outside of ourselves, we lose touch with what is inside of us: our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, experiences, wants, needs, sensations, intuitions, unconscious experiences, and even indicators of our physical functioning, such as heart rate and respiratory rate.
Co-dependence is the most common of all addictions: the addiction to looking elsewhere. We believe that something outside of ourselves - that is, outside of our true self - can give us happiness and fulfillment. The "elsewhere" may be people, places, things, behaviors, or experiences. Whatever it is, we may neglect our own selves for it.
Self-neglect alone is no fun, so we must get a payoff of some sort from focusing outward. The payoff is usually a reduction in painful feelings or a temporary increase in joyful feelings. This feeling or mood alteration is predicated principally upon something or someone else, and not on our own authentic desires and requirements.
One of our reasons for ‘being’ is to get to know ourselves in a deeper, richer, and more profound way. We can do that only if we are truly in relationship with ourselves.
Mark
My son has achieved the impossible...
Just to say that with patience and tolerance we appear to have won the battle. My son dropped out of school before the end of year 10. Didn't take any GCSE's. This last month my son has achieved the impossible. He has applied for a got one of the best engineering apprenticeships in the country, beating over 120 other candidates. He is the youngest apprentice on the course. He loves it and is attending college.
Hopefully the corner has been turned.
Just thought you might like to hear of some success.
E.
Online Parent Support
Hopefully the corner has been turned.
Just thought you might like to hear of some success.
E.
Online Parent Support
He has already missed 10 days of school...
Mark,
I have a really bad situation here and need you.
My child is a SR on probation for 6 months -due to Being under the Influence. He lost his license due to many points. He has had numerous wrecks. He has ADHD but won't take his Rx. He has not done well in school but is very capable and scores off the charts with testing. PSAT score was 1100.
He has already missed 10 days of school and now wants to drop out of school. HELP ME! There is an alternative school that is a possibility. The Jr. College he wants to go to will accept him with a GED and not even taking his SAT's.
I am afraid he will regret this and I am also scared he may go to jail.
Thank you so so much,
P.
``````````````
Hi P.,
Just FYI, most of my juvenile clients have withdrawn from regular school and are either attending an alternative school or preparing for their GED – based on my recommendation. This is due to the fact that these kids fail miserably in regular school, but do very well in an alternative setting. I’m sure this will be the case with your son.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I have a really bad situation here and need you.
My child is a SR on probation for 6 months -due to Being under the Influence. He lost his license due to many points. He has had numerous wrecks. He has ADHD but won't take his Rx. He has not done well in school but is very capable and scores off the charts with testing. PSAT score was 1100.
He has already missed 10 days of school and now wants to drop out of school. HELP ME! There is an alternative school that is a possibility. The Jr. College he wants to go to will accept him with a GED and not even taking his SAT's.
I am afraid he will regret this and I am also scared he may go to jail.
Thank you so so much,
P.
``````````````
Hi P.,
Just FYI, most of my juvenile clients have withdrawn from regular school and are either attending an alternative school or preparing for their GED – based on my recommendation. This is due to the fact that these kids fail miserably in regular school, but do very well in an alternative setting. I’m sure this will be the case with your son.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I see this sad, lonely alone young man...
Hi Mark,
I bought the book some time ago, and it has helped tremendously. However, I still don't know what else to do.
2 years now, and my 18 year old son refuses to socialise, refuses to get a job (we are now in a foreign country, so he has a point), refuses any kind of help, refuses to get involved in any activities, whether they are lone activities or not,....his anger problem is a bit better, but still out of control.........better because of your book and my different re-action........
I see this sad, lonely alone young man, and it breaks my heart. 2 years now, and I'm his only contact. His Dad doesn't bother, and all our family have passed away. I just don't know what else to do. Over the years I've tried everything, and I mean everything, and everyone. Including giving him his own time and space, but nothing different happens. I get off his back. He is happy watching tv. using the computer and playing video games.
How can I help him, if he doesn't want to be helped? But I don't want to live like this anymore.
Please help me,
Anne Jackson
`````````````
You are living with a young adult who is emotionally/socially under-developed. Many factors have contributed to this, but to look at causes will be of little benefit.
I think it's possible that you feel sorry for him, and as such, are not implementing the "tough love" concept to it's fullest intent. Until you truly get on board with the program (i.e., follow the recommendations in the Online Version of the eBook, specifically the section in the Anger Management Chapter entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid"), then you will be living with a 28-year-old man ten years from now.
I would suggest "getting ON his back" rather than off. Give him a deadline in which he will either have to be working full time or attending school full time - or some combination thereof.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I bought the book some time ago, and it has helped tremendously. However, I still don't know what else to do.
2 years now, and my 18 year old son refuses to socialise, refuses to get a job (we are now in a foreign country, so he has a point), refuses any kind of help, refuses to get involved in any activities, whether they are lone activities or not,....his anger problem is a bit better, but still out of control.........better because of your book and my different re-action........
I see this sad, lonely alone young man, and it breaks my heart. 2 years now, and I'm his only contact. His Dad doesn't bother, and all our family have passed away. I just don't know what else to do. Over the years I've tried everything, and I mean everything, and everyone. Including giving him his own time and space, but nothing different happens. I get off his back. He is happy watching tv. using the computer and playing video games.
How can I help him, if he doesn't want to be helped? But I don't want to live like this anymore.
Please help me,
Anne Jackson
`````````````
You are living with a young adult who is emotionally/socially under-developed. Many factors have contributed to this, but to look at causes will be of little benefit.
I think it's possible that you feel sorry for him, and as such, are not implementing the "tough love" concept to it's fullest intent. Until you truly get on board with the program (i.e., follow the recommendations in the Online Version of the eBook, specifically the section in the Anger Management Chapter entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid"), then you will be living with a 28-year-old man ten years from now.
I would suggest "getting ON his back" rather than off. Give him a deadline in which he will either have to be working full time or attending school full time - or some combination thereof.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?
"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...
-
Teen: “Hey mom. I’m spending the night here at Sarah’s.” Mother: “No you’re not. I told you to be home by 11:00 PM.” Teen: “But ... -
It may be difficult to get your teenage daughter or son to follow house rules in the beginning. One thing about house rules is to let ev... -
One minute, your teenager is begging you to take her to McDonald’s for lunch. The next minute, she’s insulting your intelligence and ca...