Dear Mark,
Parent: We have a question. We read your response to our questions about our daughter. You commented that it would be easy to support her even though she is living away from home. How do we do this? Emotional support?>>>>>>>>>Yes ...I was referring to emotional support.
>>>>>>>>>>Please hear me here: You have more power than you are giving yourself credit for. If you will shift your focus (i.e., your attitude, belief, thoughts) from what is going wrong (i.e., daughter may not make it academically, may not make it in life, etc.) to what you trust will go right, then you will literally set something in motion that will yield the desired result.
>>>>>>>>>>This should be your mantra: "My daughter is more than capable ...she will do fine in whatever it is she decides to do ...she will be successful in a career ...she will be a good wife and mother ...she will continue to mature and grow and learn and develop wisdom.” YOU ARE PROGRAMMING HER FOR SUCCESS OR FAILURE.
Parent: Also we spoke about her long-term goals and to always have a plan B in place in case plan A fails to follow through. She is a skilled basketball player and would love to play university or college ball, but she seems to have a hard time keeping up the academics. She often over-fills her time with sports leaving little for the academics. She is at a point where these dreams are falling apart as well without upgrading some of her grade 12.
>>>>>>>>>>> This sounds terribly dramatic. Let her "dreams fall apart" -- you can't do anything about that anyway. She is not made of stale rice paper. She will not fall apart and crumble if her dream does not become a reality. If this happens, it will be a good thing, because she will develop emotional muscles that would never become developed otherwise.
Parent: Mark, as a mom I am falling apart on the inside for this kid. Is this normal for a mom to feel like this or do I need to seek professional help myself. If she is not around, I am often in tears. Perhaps I am too emotionally attached.
>>>>>>>> I think you hit the nail on the head ...you are overly invested, and the "feeling sorry for" ...and "worrying about" is not helping anybody -- especially yourself. I think it would be o.k. if you wanted to talk to a therapist about your stress, because that's what were talking about here. If you boil all this down to a root cause, it is stress. Thus, what can YOU do today to take care of YOU? Your daughter can take care of herself.
>>>>>>>>> Bottom line: If you think your daughter won't make it, then you're probably right. If you trust that you're daughter WILL make it, then you're probably right. Be careful how you think. The glass is always half full in spite of your opinion about it.
Here's to a better home environment,
Mark Hutten, M.A.
