She actually bit me, like a two year old...

Mark, Thank you so much for the phone consultation on Memorial Day - it helped a great deal. We had a few relatively calm days (the usual yelling and cursing but no major outbursts), and over the weekend, another storm. I knew that my daughter was planning to go off with a group of the older "friends" that I don't know and she doesn't want me to meet. I had told her that she could only go to a Girl Scout meeting. Well, she tried to go off with the older "friends" - when I wasn't there and she thought that Grandma would let her get away with it. I'd asked my mother to call the troop leader, who happens to be a policewoman, if she tried anything, and she did call her. She was there in minutes and gave daughter a good talking to. I feel better about doing the AP grading now that she's involved. I am worried because my daughter is getting even more out of control. She was physically violent towards me again - said I provoked her. After she went over her two-hour computer time limit, I unplugged it from the phone line (we have dial up) and she actually bit me, like a two year old.  

 

>>>>>>>>>> I routinely recommend that the maximum time limit for computer use is 1 hour. Also, you and I had talked about your daughter not having internet access at all since it is a constant source of parent-child conflict (remember). 

 

She's also been talking about suicide, and I found out (been snooping again) that she's done searches on the internet about methods of suicide. She says she will be buried in her prom dress, and says things like "when you have a dead daughter you will be sorry for the way you treated me". She has also been cutting - I read the section in your ebook on that. She keeps yelling and cursing and the "I hate you's" are constant. Today I responded with "you're acting like a two year old who keeps saying no over and over." Because of her behavior, I took her iPod and she will have no computer time.  

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

 

>>>>>>>> I think we’ve covered this one in previous emails as well. This is a guilt trip that your daughter is going fishing for – I hope you’re not biting. 

 

 I know some of her threats to run away or kill herself are manipulation and just being a teenage drama queen, but worry about the suicide threats because, like I said on the phone, there's a history of bipolar on her father's side and depression on mine. She also talks about wanting to get drunk (there's alcoholism on both sides). When she threatened suicide again today, I came very close to calling crisis intervention but didn't, because I didn't want to give her the intensity she craves. 

 

 >>>>>>>> Great move! You’re working the program. Just keep on eye on her when she attempts to push your “suicide buttons.” 

 

I did say "most teenage suicide attempts do not work, can leave permanent disabilities, and if you try that it will go on your record and you will never be able to join the army" (she says that joining the army is her only reason for living – which I think is sick, but that's another topic...) Question - I know you said it's way too premature for boarding school, but when do you think residential placement is justified? 

 

 >>>>>>>>>> You may want to consider a brief residential placement for her now -- or maybe a short Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). This will give her a taste of treatment for mental illness (she may decide she doesn’t want to be sick), and it will give you a break from her.  

 

>>>>>>>>>>So I’m saying some people choose to be sick? Not exactly. For example, nobody chooses to be Bipolar, but they often choose to use their illness (a) as an excuse for poor choices and (b) as a crutch to avoid taking personal responsibility. 

 

 I'm worried about her safety - she tried to lock the door to her room, and I told her if she chose to do that, she was choosing to have the doorknob removed, and so far that worked, but I can't watch her 24/7. And I have to admit that I'd really like a break from her. I feel like my daughter is gone and I have to cope with this angry, disturbed stranger, her eyes empty and her face distorted with what seems like real hatred for me. It's extremely difficult to get my own work done because I'm constantly exhausted, emotionally and physically, from her.  

 

>>>>>>>>>> You should be concerned for her safety, but don’t let her know it. You may want to simply say, “If you choose to threaten suicide, you will choose being assessed at a mental health facility and risk being placed there for a while.” Then, if she threatens again, you need to take her in for an assessment and possibly have her committed for a brief period of time. 

 

Another question - I tried giving her a chore (just feeding the cat, and she responded with "in a bit") and didn't do it. What to do when she simply refuses to do a chore?

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

 

 >>>>>>>>>>> Then she loses a privilege (e.g., no use of the phone this evening). 

 

And, you said to give the teenager a hug. At the end of the day, I tell her I love her, but about half the time she refuses to let me hug her. She screams "get away from me" and "if you touch me I will fight you." Occasionally she tolerates a hug from me, but stands stiffly, arms at her side. Should I be doing anything differently?  

 

>>>>>>>>>> As long as you are giving her some form of physical touch, then you’re doing enough. It doesn’t have to be something as bold as a hug. A pat on the back, for example, will suffice.  

 

Thanks so much for all your help! S.  

 

>>>>>>>> You are a great student S.. I am very proud of you. Keep it rollin’.  

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

She needs to leave, and the sooner the better...

Hello Mark,

I sent you an email the other day about our daughter having a party in our house while we were gone and that she said she didn’t. Well we found beer in our fridge, etc. And lots of other stuff, and she sort of admitted to something going on in the house.

I spoke with her about my feelings and I am not okay with it, but I was able to say how I felt. My husband on the other hand is so upset about it that he isn’t speaking to her. This is often how he handles things with her and they just don’t talk.

I have to agree with my husband that she is very disrespectful to him and to me when she does talk about how she feels. He often has to leave the room, because she isn’t respectful. His stand on things is that she needs to leave and the sooner the better. I agree she needs to move out, but I don’t agree that he should not be speaking to her. They don’t even acknowledge each other in the same room. Her graduation is coming up and he doesn’t want to go. I feel in the middle all the time... Any suggestions? Is it right for him not to talk to her?

P.

````````````````

I would suggest staying out of it all together. Here’s why:

The more responsibility you take for the relationship between father and daughter – the less responsibility they will take. This is their problem to work out on their own terms. It’s not your problem unless you choose to make it so.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I'll Break Every Window In The House!

I have a 17-year-old son that has become increasingly defiant and angry with me (his mom), although I don't understand why because I've always been his number 1 supporter. Well, he skipped a couple of classes yesterday at school, so I gave him three days of grounding. He said he couldn't be grounded, because he had plans already established with his friends. I told him he would have to change them, that I expected him home after school. He said "no" - and he didn't come home after school.

He called me and told me if I decided to call the police to go find him, that "I" would face his wrath of him breaking every window in my house (he's never exhibited violence before). He has recently began saying "F__ you” to me, like it's normal behavior. I turned off his cell phone because of it, but it has made him even angrier.

I've read through the ebook, but either missed it, or didn't understand - how do you even begin to start putting the online plan into place when the teen isn't in the mindset to work with the parent? He has no fear, and could care less about the consequences - because he just does what he wants to do anyway.

`````````````````

In the case where the teenager refuses to accept any consequences, we issue one warning and then follow through with the consequence if the warning if it is ignored.

Say to your son, “If you choose not to accept my consequence for your poor choices, then you will choose to accept someone else’s consequence – the police and juvenile probation.”

Then if he refuses to accept your consequence, go to your local Juvenile Probation Department and file either a runaway or incorrigibility complaint.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

What should I do?

I do not know what to do anymore besides turn my 17-year-old son out of the home. His dad and myself have been divorced for quite some time (he was an alcoholic and after we divorced he pretty much abandoned my son and daughter). I met a man 5 years ago who has been an active part of my son’s life, but since we have been together my son has displayed constant negative behaviour (delinquent).

In December we got a call from the school principal who suspected my son was selling pot. When he came home my fiancé found it so we did what we thought was best and turned him in to the police. He was recommended to youth diversion. He is currently doing this program and just last night I came home from work to find a note left. My son said he had gotten a call from a friend to say her boyfriend was abusing her. He took my fiancés car keys (he wasn’t home at the time, he works offshore) and my son hit a concrete barricade and beat up his car. He doesn’t have a license or insurance. What should I do? If I turn him in to the police again, he will be charged.

Please help.

````````````````````````

As you may know from reading “My Out-of-Control Teen” eBook, over-indulgence is the main contributing factor to children’s behavior problems.

To save your son from painful emotions associated with his poor choice to drive without a license would be a form of over-indulgence. Thus, the recommendation would be to file an accident report with the police. Additionally, your son should be working to earn money to help pay for the damages.

Hold him accountable,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Things have gradually become a lot worse...

Dear Mark,

I would be grateful for any advice you could give me regarding my daughter, E___:

E___ is just 18 and has a younger brother (M___) age 15, she lives at home with both parents (myself & my husband) - we are both doctors and I have worked during their childhood.

She has always been very bright & done well academically at school but has found it hard to make friends. This is in contrast to her brother who finds schoolwork hard going but is very popular and easy-going. This led to problems in their childhoods, as various nannies & carers have found M___ much easier.

We have had a turbulent few teenage years but things have gradually become a lot worse with a number of problems -

Driving: she has the use of a car and has had 2 serious accidents - both her fault; and around 6 minor bumps all of which she refuses to take responsibility for. She has been on an advanced driving course and her car use restricted.

>>>>>>>>>> What does she do to earn car privileges? What is she doing to earn some money to help pay for damages to vehicles? How long is her use of the car restricted (should go no more than 7 days)?

Stealing: strongly suspect she has taken cash from me, husband & brother, also I am worried she has taken trinkets etc from shops - I have no proof and she vehemently denies it though.

>>>>>>>>>>> No proof = no consequence.

School: she has always wanted to be a vet and has an offer from the Royal Vet College (which means she has to get prescribed results in her A levels, which start on Monday) - she started to get fed up with the continual exams we now have in the UK education system about 18 months ago, which has led to a gradual decline in her work to such an extent that we don't think she will get the grades she needs.

>>>>>>>>>> If poor academic performance is a source of parent-child conflict, then please see the recommendation outlined in “Emails From Exasperated Parents” (online version of the eBook).

Her 18th birthday (May 2) was lovely - we had a celebration with relatives and then she went out with her friends, but since then she has become very angry and resentful - she often tells me what a bad mother I was, always tired from work and shouting at her - which unfortunately may be partly true. She makes hurtful personal remarks to all of us. She over-reacts in response to trivial comments and swears at all of us. She has become intractable over house rules. She now says she no longer wants to be a vet & doesn't care about her exams.

>>>>>>>>>> Re: hurtful, personal remarks— Use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” (Anger Management chapter of the online version of the eBook).

We did have some success with your methods, but we are very worried now - she is 18, & supposedly an adult, so we feel we have to give her some leeway, but how do we draw the line - can we put a lot of this down to exam pressure?

>>>>>>>>>> As long as she is living in your house, she should abide by your house rules. So in this sense, there is no “leeway.” Leeway = over-indulgence. How is she preparing to launch (i.e., to leave the nest)? What is the deadline for her to be out on her own? Remember, we want to promote the development of self-reliance – not dependency.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

A Little Drinking, Sex, and Curfew Violation

Dear Mark,I totally appreciate your e-book and study almost everyday. We are in the middle of the battle with a 17 year old daughter and we are staying above water. If you could help me with a few questions.

She has snuck out twice. The second time at her dad's where she thought she would not get caught. This time it was a little drinking, sex, and out the whole nig  This boy wants to marry and he is trouble. My daughter has always been very quite and made A's, B's in school …now, mostly C's and wants to live with him and his mother. They have no rules or structure in their home and he is constantly telling my daughter I am the enemy and I am horrible. When I get off track with how to react, I go back to the guidelines you have set up in your e-book and start over.

The question is this boy? We, her dad, step-dad and myself, do not want her seeing him and we want her to get back on track with studies and what she needs to do to head for college. Do you have anymore wisdom for me? We have been advised to get family counseling. My daughter does not want anything to do with it.  HELP! Ms. B.

```````````

Hi Ms. B.,

You have a Romeo & Juliet phenomenon on your hands that will need to be diffused (if not, they will continue to work harder at sneaking their rendezvous behind your back).

Unfortunately, if your daughter wants to be with someone -- she'll find a way, no matter what you say or do. Parents can only guide their children in the right direction and hope for the best. If they do a good job, their daughter will make the right decision all on her own. 

 

Since you will not be successful at keeping those two apart, you must adopt a philosophy of if you can’t beat ‘em - join ‘em. In other words, they should be able to see one another within limits, and you decide what those limits are. Maybe your limits will look something like this:

· They can be together at your house only during those times that you are home and can monitor their behavior (if not, he has to leave)

· Or you could schedule some activity for them in which you would be a distant chaperon (e.g., take them to a shopping plaza and tell them to meet you back at the coffee shop in exactly one hour)

· Or your daughter is allowed to go over to her boyfriend’s house for a designated time period (if she violates the time limit, there is a consequence that is commensurate with the “crime”)

Figure out a way for your daughter to see her boyfriend in a way that will keep her safe. This is the best you will be able to do.

Mark

 

How much longer will you tolerate dishonesty and disrespect? How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure? Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change?  ==> If so, then this may be the most important article you'll ever read!

Are We Doing The Right Thing?

Mark,

Things had been going relatively well for approx. 3 weeks. I had e-mailed you re: some suspicious behavior, but couldn't prove it. I was feeling pretty good. Well, Thursday was the start on a backslide. He was asked to call me at work from landline phone as soon as he came home from lacrosse practice and to get something out for dinner. He was to take his last class of driving school (me transporting him) and then rush to his 9 yr old brothers baseball game. No phone call ever came. When I walked in, he was in his room, pretending to be napping (I think he was on his phone). Husband, me, 16 yr old got caught up in an argument re: this.

I ended up taking him (I had already NOT taken him twice before for behavior) since I am trying to hold up my end of the bargain, (husband was REALLY mad), made it back for most of the baseball game, and 16 yr old had to be off the phone early that night (this was suggested, not ordered, and was given freely 15 minutes early) AND lost cell phone until after school the next day. (I felt phone for phone was appropriate.) Friday was fine, went out, was where he said, and in by curfew.

Saturday afternoon, son and husband got into an argument over 16 yr old picking on 9 yr old and trying to take MP3 player away from him while he was listening to it (we are all in the car on the way to a b'day party). They got to swearing at each other, I got pulled into this and Dad telling me I was taking his side, I'm too easy, Blah, blah, blah. Dad ended up not going to the party. After several hours, 16 yr old's friend came to pick him up and they were going to the local fair. Friend was to drive him home by midnight. IF ANY plans were to change, he was to call me.

Curfew came and went, and no M______. I started calling, no answer. All of his friends were home and said the other one(s) was taking him home (they all drive). Find out, the kids ended up at a girl's house with no adults home--party time and at one point police were there. Was told my son was drinking. Told that night by this girl and another friend he was being brought home by someone I never heard of. Called the girl's house and was given the same story. Don't know the girl, or where she lives. Well, he never came home at all until 11:30am the next day. He never answered his phone--calling multiple times. 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens
 

He came strolling in as if nothing was wrong. (His grandmother was also over as she was going to stay with our 9 yr old and we were going to this girl's house with police escort to see if our son was there. He came home before we could leave.)

We calmly (for the most part) told him we (parents) were the adults, it was our home, our rules, he was a minor child and must follow them like them or not. He must face the consequences of his actions: no cell phone, no phone privileges, no computer, and no going anywhere or having anyone over until further notice. I also did confiscate some of his favorite clothes. No driver's road test until later either since we could not trust him. If he chose to break these punishments, we would go to the police and file incorrigible charges. We would get back to him about length of time of grounding when we could think about it a little more.

We did tell him by Friday (this happened Sat. night) he could have his computer back if followed the grounding. I am entertaining letting him have "land line" phone for 30minutes/day to be used in the family room or kitchen also (if Dad agrees). If he follows these rules, he may be off grounding with approved friends/places the following weekend. There have been some hints at defiance, but he has mostly gone along with this.

He has said he was going to a soccer game on Tuesday but was told no and was at the school when I picked him up, he was going to have a friend call me to see if he could go out on Friday or would go anyway (told him no), and I believe he used our phone when we went to my 9 yr olds baseball game (no one home and can't prove this), and was trying to go out after school another day in the guise of "practice" the same day as a game, and told he would be picked up right after school and was there.

At times his mood is great, others not. I am trying SO HARD to not show my emotion in all of this, but my gut is doing flip-flops constantly and I haven't slept well in days. I want so badly for him to do the right thing.

I guess what I'm writing this LONG e-mail for is confirmation that what we're doing is the right thing. Is it appropriate? Is the length of time OK? We are telling him he can EARN back his privileges by his behavior. Is the testing us normal? How do you trust again after this? Would you still let him get his license? Thinking about getting a GPS if we do let him.

Thanks again for all of your support and wisdom. I just wish we had been more firm with him when he was younger, but we never saw this behavior coming.

J.

``````````````

Re: Is it appropriate? You are definitely ‘on track.” Good work.

Re: Is the length of time OK? Disciplines should never go longer than 7 days. If it goes longer than 7, the kid forgets what he is being disciplined for – and the lesson is lost.

Re: Is the testing us normal? Absolutely.

Re: How do you trust again after this? You don’t. Never believe a word he says. Verify everything. Assume that whatever comes out of his mouth is a lie. I know this sounds radical, but the bottom line is this: Lying is a way of life for intense, out of control kids. You have been deceived more than you’ll ever know.

Re: Would you still let him get his license? Yes. We want to foster the development of self-reliance – not dependency. If he has his license, he will not be dependent on others for transportation. I do understand that having a license could possibly lead to other problems in the future. In these cases, we have to weigh the advantages against the disadvantages. If he ABUSES driving privileges, he LOSES driving privileges -- but for no more than 7 days (3 days works best, and believe me -- 3 days will feel like an eternity to him).

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

What's Normal?

I was looking for a chart of normal behavior in young teens, do you know where I could access this. If as parents we don't know what normal behavior is for a 12 year old per say, then how can we judge them as being abnormal?

We have a son who seems to "need to control things" a huge amount of the time from everything to how he uses the toothpaste (dribbling it all over the sink wastefully) to how something should be done. He doesn't seem to be able to recognize he is doing this even when it is pointed out to him. He has to always end a conversation even when he is told to shut up repeatedly. He is even to the point where he mumbles to get in the last word. He is on concerta for add ...could the meds be doing this?

Thanks for any info.

```````````````````````

If you factor in (a) genetics, (b) environment and (c) personal choice -- you find a wide range of behavior that can fall into either the "normal" or "abnormal" category -- depending on who you are talking to. "Normal" is a relative term.

The little bit of behavior that you have described is slightly reminiscent of some obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I'd have to have more information to comment further.

p.s. Ideally, your son should not be told to 'shut up'.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Husband is a Skeptic .

Hi Mark,

I have written to you about my daughter. I have read your book and listened to the audio. I tried to get my husband to listen one night, we only got through a couple of chapters. We haven't had the time (or he hasn't mentioned it again), to finish it. I can tell he is a little skeptical of the techniques (picking battles and letting things "slide"). I have tried telling him what it is all about and he seems open to listening but like I said has not pursued listening to the rest of it.

Anyway, an argument broke out last night because of her attitude and being disrespectful to her stepbrother (his son). She ended up say the "F" word several times. This word has been "slipping" out of her mouth a lot lately. I have chosen to ignore it most of the time, she is usually yelling it as she walks away (which walking away is progress for her). He does not understand this and refuses to let her talk that way, he yells at her and makes threats. He told me last night he is just fed up and cannot and will not allow her to talk that way in his house. I don't think he understands why I blow it off and probably thinks I am not handling things the right way.

I have tried to put other techniques in to play and she seems to be responding a little, which is a good thing. She has controlled her anger for the most part during our arguments. I feel this is progress. I don’t' think he understands or thinks there is ANY progress going on.

How should I get him to have a more open mind to listen and understand the concept of this book?

Help!

```````````````

This problem comes up quite frequently (i.e., husband not really interested in doing anything differently). The best solution I found for this was actually not my idea at all.

One mother (going through the same problem as you) played the audio CDs of the eBook each time she and her husband were in the car together. I think she kinda brainwashed him a bit. You know ...the more you listen to something, the more you unconsciously start implementing what you heard.

This is a way for him to experience some of the material without having to really do anything (no reading, no sitting at the computer).

In the car, he's a captive audience. Give it a try.

You can get the CDs here ==> Audio CDs

Mark

Out of Control Teens

Hi Mark, I'm the step-father of two teenage boys, ages 17 and 15. Their mom and I have been married for 5 years. Both boys decided that they weren't interested in academics (duh) and began failing their classes. We pulled them from public school and put then into on-line school. Even with the reduced studying demands they continue to perform poorly. A___ routinely ignores his curfew and C___ has a significant problem with truthfulness. Both are in trouble with the authorities. I have 3 court dates this month alone. His mom and I have been working on the 3-day-grounding rule, but even that gets ignored. We need to have some sort of significant wake-up call that doesn't alienate them. I told their mom that a few days or months behind bars might be just what they need -- she's concerned that they'll just increase in their poor behavioral choices. Any suggestions? 

 

 `````````````````` 

 

Hi S., You’ve raised 5 issues: poor academic performance, curfew violation, lying, legal difficulties, and refusing to accept consequences. 1. Re: Poor academic performance—Please refer to my recommendation on the webpage entitled “Emails From Exasperated Parents” (online version of the eBook). 2. Re: Curfew violation—If your son is required to be home by a particular time and he does not come home, then he is considered to be a ‘runaway.’ File a ‘runaway complaint’ with police as well as juvenile probation. 3. Re: Lying—Please refer to “When Your Kid Lies” (online version of the eBook). 4. Re: Legal difficulties—I’m glad you are getting assistance from Juvenile Court. This will be a good thing. I’d rather your sons experience some mild, short-term pain now (in the form of probation) rather than a lot of major, long-term pain later (possibly in the form of adult jail – or worse yet, prison). 5. Re: Refusing to accept consequences—Again, if a child is unwilling to accept consequences for misbehavior, the parent has to be willing to enlist the help of an outsider (i.e., probation). 

 

Mark 

I am so fed up?

Hello mark-- Just a question of how to handle something!! My oldest daughter, who is 18, ready to graduate next week, I have wrote to you many times about, LOL!! …anyways, we went on vacation and she was left at home and I requested no parties at my house and no alcohol to be brought into the house. We got home yesterday and it is obvious that there was a party, empty containers, she says aren't hers and that she had a friend over that may have left it there? What should we do??? I am so fed up? P. 

 

````````````````````` 

 

Unfortunately, you don’t have any evidence that she is NOT telling the truth. Thus, I don’t think you can legitimately issue a consequence. 

 

Mark 

F$%k You

Good afternoon Mark, I am a new addition to your website and have purchased and downloaded your information. I haven't read through the materials yet, but wanted to ask your opinion on the situation going on in my household. I am at a loss at what to do. My 17 year old son and I have always gotten along and he's always been very honest with me. Earlier this year he had started using marijuana, and had tried a handful of other drugs. He told me about this on his own. I told him I did not approve of his use, but appreciated his honesty with me. He and I have since had various conversations about his drug use, and my wish for him to stop. I have never punished him for what he has told me, because I thought that would result in him not telling me anything. Well, in late March he was caught at school with a very small amount of pot (I know, any amount is to much). He was suspended from school for three weeks. We got through that, and he's back at school - with the condition by the school that he see a counselor. Well - everything "seemed" to be going okay, although, he was spending more and more time with his friends. He'd go with them after school, but would always be home by curfew (10:00pm). Well, last Wednesday he had a counselor appt. in the evening. I called him to be sure he was going to be home in time for us to leave and he informed me he was not going. I told him it was not optional and we went back and forth, back and forth. I finally told him if he did not go, the consequence was loss of use of my car. He said he didn't care and then said 'f$%k you' to me, and hung up!! This came as a complete shock to me, as he and I had no conflict going on between us. I'm still not sure what I did to possibly be on the receiving end of that. After he hung up on me, I messaged him reminding him the consequence for disrespect was having his cell phone turned off (I've done this before - but not in months). His response was "if you want to be that way, good luck getting me to come home". Well, seeing that was the consequence of disrespect, I had his phone shut off. He called me later from his friends phone, just to say 'f$%k you" to me again. He did come home and then missed the bus both Thursday and Friday to school - so, I had to drive him....which made me late for work. When I asked him to please hurry, his response was 'f$%k you'. Thursday we drove in silence. Friday I tried talking to him - but it became an angry conversation. When he got out of my car, he slammed the door and threw his cup of coffee down the side of it. This morning, again, he would not get out of bed in time to catch the bus. After my fourth attempt to wake him, he said if I'd leave him the f#$$ alone, he would get up. So, I left him alone. The bus came and went. I decided I would not be late for work again, so, I left. As far as I know, he's still asleep. I'm at a loss. He has so much anger towards just me....but, I really have no clue why I've been singled out here. I know he is angry that I turned off the phone - but he seems to forget his actions caused that outcome. I don't know what caused his initial anger that resulted in the phone being turned off, now I don't know what to do to get past this. I'm afraid to talk to him, because he gets so angry. I don't want him to think he can walk all over me, so I will not turn the phone on until he and I can resolve this. How do other parents talk to their disrespectful teen when anger becomes an issue? He has both a father and stepfather - but both of them have washed their hands of him. I have not washed my hands of him and never will - but feel very much like a single parent here. Any advice and/or input to my situation would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you so much for your time (sorry this is so long!), D. 

 

```````````````````` 

 

Hi D., I need you to do me a really big favor! Since you are a new member of Online Parent Support—and since most of what you’re going through is addressed in the eBook, would you be willing to digest most of the material (read as well as listen), and then email me again with a specific question. Please pay particular attention to the Anger Management chapter of the ONLINE version of the eBook. I think that chapter will be the most relevant to your case at this point. Thank you. I’ll wait to hear back. 

 

Mark 

She was picked up by the police...

Mark- We are beside ourselves. Our daughter, and I am a stepmother to her, so she doesn't feel that I have a place in her life except that I am married to her dad. She lives with us. Although she hates coming home because it is so far away from her friends. She takes off, has her friends pick her up from here even when we tell her she is a "runaway". She stays out at friends' homes for days without telling us where she is. Her favorite saying is "f... y..". She is disrespectful to her dad. 

 

She was picked up by the police this weekend because she was in a car with a friend who had a gun and drugs. We don't know what to do with her. We are considering sending her to a camp for troubled teens. Can you please provide us with some advise? If we say white, she says black. If we say left, she says right. It doesn't matter what our approach is, she always contradicts it. We are definitely in trouble here and need advise. We believe she is on the wrong road and fear for her. We have taken away her car and driving privileges until she can prove to us she is responsible. She is getting A's and B's in school and attending school. She is a good kid, but headed in a very bad way with the wrong crowd. Let us know how we can approach her positively. THANK YOU. A. & P. 

 

``````````````` 

 

If she is running away periodically - for days at a time - and running with peers who possess guns and drugs, then you should go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Once on probation, she will be referred to services that her probation officer deems appropriate (e.g., home-based counseling, anger management classes, etc.). 

 

 I’m concerned that it has come to the point where you need some outside assistance – otherwise, you’ll continue to spin your wheels and make no headway. I’m guessing that you and your husband will either choose to involve her in the juvenile justice system now, or she will become involved later by default. 

 

I’d rather she experience some mild, short-term pain now (in the form of probation) rather than a lot of major, long-term pain later. You’ll want to start using the strategies in the eBook too, because she won’t be on probation forever. And you won’t want to start all over again once probation closes her case. 

 

Mark

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

She lies ALL the time...

Mark, My daughter is 14 and she lies ALL the time. Back in March my cell phone was lost. I looked for a week and she even helped me look for it. I had convinced myself it had fallen out of my purse and into my trash in my van and I had thrown it away. In the mean time I bought a new cell phone at $300 because my contract was not up. On mothers day we had taken my parents out for ice cream. I specifically remember putting my phone in my purse in its holder. Well my daughter had gotten into trouble earlier that day. She had gotten a phone call and my husband had told her she had 5 minutes on the phone. 

 

She used her 5 minutes and he asked her to get off the phone (land line). Well she decided she needed to get something out of the living quarters of our horse trailer. She put her heavy coat on and just as sweet as pie goes past my husband just a talking up a storm. Which is VERY unusual right now because we are not anything she wants to talk to OR hang out with. Needless to say my husband got suspicious, came and asked me if I had my cell phone. I told him, "No, it's in the hold in my purse." He said, "Oh no it's not." Well as she was outside, he snuck outside and listened to her talking. When he opened the door to the trailer she closed the phone and put her iPod in her ear. 

 

She hid the phone in the trailer in a cabinet. My husband and I both knew she had it, so I told her give me your iPod and when you decide to give my phone I will give you your iPod. She swore up and down she did not have the phone. She just said she was singing to her iPod. While we were looking for the "new $300 phone" we found my old phone between her mattresses. It took 10 days, and a field trip for school, but she did give me my phone back. I told her it took you ten days to tell me the truth so I believe it should take 10 days to get your iPod back. Is this fair? 

 

I told her she WILL pay me back the $300 dollars because I should have never had to buy the phone in the first place. She is going to work this summer so I figure she can give me half of what she makes and she can keep half until I am paid back. I have told her from the beginning you will NEVER get into as much trouble if you will be honest with me. She has just started this lying since she turned 13. I have always told her I will back her if she tells me the truth but I must have the truth. I am getting to where I am not sure I know when she tells me the truth. I don't like that! The other part I don't like with this whole deal is she doesn't think she did ANYTHING wrong -- that it is my fault. 

 

 She thinks since she told me the truth 10 days later she should not have any punishment. Her punishment is 10 days of no computer, limited phone calls and no friends over or her not going to their house either. She does seem to blame others for her mistakes A LOT. I do not like that and would like help with that. How do you explain to put blame where blame is due? She blamed a teacher for her bad grade in science when she didn't study??? Then told me the teacher is just a bad teacher and no one at school likes the teacher. My daughter seems lazy when it comes to school and her studies. Thanks for your time, C. 

 

 ```````````````  

 

Re: "I told her it took you ten days to tell me the truth so I believe it should take 10 days to get your iPod back. Is this fair? => Sounds right to me. Re: How do you explain to put blame where blame is due?"

 

=> I wouldn’t spend any time ‘explaining’. She’s going to blame others for her mistakes and misbehavior. Simply issue the consequence for misbehavior – no explaining. 

 

Intense, out of control kids try to convince the mother that the father is mean …they try to convince the parent that the teachers are unfair …they try to convince the teachers that the parents are abusive …and so on. This behavior just comes with the territory. 

 

Simply do not ‘buy in’ to her statements that “it’s someone else’s fault.” Also, do NOT believe a word your daughter says. You have been deceived more than you’ll ever know. Verify EVERYTHING. 

 

Mark 

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

The Mom From Hell?

Mark, Thanks so much for responding so quickly, and for the validation. I'd been feeling like the Mom from Hell, and seeing "there you go doubting yourself again" made me find some humor in the situation (that has been a hard part of the assignment)! It's good to hear that I didn't do anything wrong with her friends. I had lost perspective - there's no law against what I did. You won't be surprised to hear that there was no phone call from the school. Actually, I doubted that they complained at all - if they could put two brain cells together, they'd figure out that, if anyone from the school asked why I did it, they would hear about underage drinking and pot smoking and sexual activity on prom night between 18 year olds and minors. Not what they wanted! 

 

The counselor isn't falling for her tantrums - she just said what you did, keep an eye on her [queen]. Next time, I'll do like I did with toddler tantrums, let it run its course and not respond. I see now my most frequent mistake has been getting pulled into it when she goes off. Even Grandma called her a drama queen - she talked calmly to the counselor and to Grandma, but when she sees me, she screams and cries and it's like the end of her world. What exactly would happen if I did file a battery charge? Have to admit I'm afraid to get the courts involved. But maybe saying that as a warning would work?  

 

>>>>>>>> I wouldn't 'warn' if you're not willing to follow through with the consequence. Your job is to prepare your daughter for the 'real world'. In the real world, one cannot smack another individual out of frustration without legal difficulties. 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>> For you to withhold a negative consequence after she smacks you is to send the wrong message about domestic violence -- a message that may cost her dearly in the future with other relationships. We, as parents, do our children a great disfavor by protecting them from painful emotions and negative consequences when they make a poor choice. 

 

I think she does want to be stopped. When I told her grounded or ungrounded, she is not going to go off with these older "friends" I don't know, she didn't argue (maybe she was exhausted). Another question: I'd been planning on going away for a week to grade AP essays (ETS pays well, and going would be like a vacation) and leaving her with Grandma. But with all the drama now, I'm wondering if I should withdraw because of family emergency. What do you think?

 

 >>>>>>>> For only a week? I think it would be O.K. to go. This will be a great opportunity for the two of you to take a time out from one another. Plus, you'll be able to come back home with a fresh perspective on how to continue the good parenting-changes you have undertaken. 

 

Mark

 

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

The Truth About Free Government Grants

Hi Mark,

You provide some 'gov grants' info on your site. How realistic is it for a single mom, for example, to actually receive a free grant?

``````````````

It all depends on what kind of grant you're looking for and whether or not you represent a non-profit organization.

Free government grants are funded in one of two ways: (a) the money comes from the taxes we pay and (b) from private foundations that must give five percent of their assets to stay tax-exempt.

Gurus, companies, and others out to make a quick dollar will try to reel you in and get you to buy their information on free grants. This information is already free and readily available to the public. Do NOT pay to receive this information.

While the government does give farming, housing, business, college, education, and house building grants, these grants are given to non-profit organizations that help people -- they are not given to individuals. An individual grant is more likely to involve food stamp programs, section 8 vouchers, FAFSA, job training, nursing traineeships, Head Start program, welfare/TANF/AFDC, scholarships, free vaccinations, and other such programs. Grants to individuals are most often given for educational support (i.e., financial aid), the arts, and various types of scientific or other research, although some agencies award grants to individuals for other purposes.

Grants require you to fill out forms, generally on a quarterly basis, that tell how much money you have spent and what you have spent it on, as well as how you are progressing on the work you promised to do.

Business—
Even though many publications and talk shows publicize grants to small businesses, there is only one grant available -- and that is for research and development for technology based products and services for the government. Government grants are generally given to non-profit organizations for programs and services that benefit the community or the public at large.

Unless your business involves the development of new technology or is a non-profit organization, you will be wasting your time looking for a grant. If you are looking for funding for an existing or new for-profit business, you WILL encounter difficulties in finding and getting grant funding. The U.S. government does not currently provide grants for starting or expanding a small business. However, the government does offer plenty of free help in planning how to start or improve your business and in securing low-interest SBA-backed small business loans. Also, many States DO offer small business grants to individuals.

Women—
Women have the largest opportunity of any group to benefit from the government’s generosity. In spite of the perception that women should not look to the government for help, government grants have remained so incredibly huge that if each of the approximately 8 million businesses applied for an equal share, they would each receive over $70,000 in free grant money.

Scholarships—
You will find many diverse educational grant programs in FREE databases, directories and resources. Here's a partial listing of all the free government grants and scholarships currently available:

·$30,000 in available for students who want to become teachers
·$6000 plus tuition and fees for teachers to return and get a graduate degree
·$7500 a year for undergraduate or graduate students in health, science, or mathematics
·Free Government Grants for dependents of veterans killed or disabled in military service
·Free Government Grants for flight training
·Free Government Grants for graduate training in family medicine
·Free Government Grants for health care students who want to train in rural areas
·Free Government Grants for undergraduate and graduate students who have trouble paying tuition
·Free Government Grants to states to give scholarships to those who want to serve the community
·Free Government Grants to train to be a professional nurse
·Free tuition to children of law enforcement and firefighters killed in the line of duty
·Free tuition to white students who want to attend black colleges
·Health professionals student loans
·Money for American Indians who want to be health care professionals
·Money for health care students who want to study job safety and health
·Money for health professionals who want to be in public health
·Money for high school students in the top 15% of their class
·Money for students and teachers to travel and study overseas
·Money for students who want to become bilingual education teachers
·Nursing student loans
·Scholarships and money to repay loans of disadvantaged health professionals
·Scholarships for National Health Service Corp
·Scholarships for students in child development
·Scholarships for students in exceptional financial need
·Tuition, books and fees to Vietnam Vets

Mark

He Doesn't Care

Dear Mark, Just committing to your rules but finding it difficult in this area: I have grounded my child for three days, he doesn’t care, walks out the house. I ground him when he comes home. Doesn’t care and doesn’t do the grounding. So I disciplined him for 3 days, no unsupervised TV, no music in his room. Doesn’t care and doesn’t care – his attitude is beginning to drive me crazy. Very insolent, but I have managed to keep my temper (so far). He is caught up with this girl who has no rules whatsoever in her home, both parents working full time and little supervision. She comes from a very argumentative home and she relays how unhappy she is at home and she wants to run away. My child is an immature young fella (13) at the best of times, but he is listening so closely to her and bringing her attitude right back. She has him hooked. What should I do?!!!! Thanking you loads in advance, Marie 

 

````````````````````` 

 

The recommendation will depend on where you live. For the sake of discussion, I’m going to assume you live in the U.S. (if not, email me again, and we’ll come up with plan B). In those cases where the child simply refuses to accept a consequence, the parent will either (a) have to get some outside assistance from juvenile probation, or (b) continue to spin her wheels. So, as difficult as it may be, tell your son that if he refuses to complete the 3-day-discipline, you will call the police so they can make a 'runaway' report – AND you will go to juvenile probation to file a complaint. 

 

 Mark 

Mom Hits Homerun

With a bit of detective work, I found out that my daughter is planning on vomiting at school, going to the nurse, getting dismissed, and saying "my mom's at work, here is my brother's number" and giving the boyfriend's cell. (She doesn't have a brother). I called the school to make sure that I or the three others on my list are the only people she can be released to, and that they call no other numbers.  

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> This is a great example of the ‘detective work’ that I wish more parents would engage in ongoing. 

 

 >>>>>>>> So are you saying I should be a snoop? 

 

 >>>>>>>> YES …YES …and YES! Parents of ‘out of control’ teens have been deceived and tricked more than they’ll ever know. DO NOT believe ANYTHING your kid tells you (as in 0%). Verify EVERYTHING – and snoop. 

 

Do you think I should print out and send the laws regarding carnal knowledge of a minor 19 and 15 year olds to the boyfriend? 

 

 >>>>>>>>>>>>> Absolutely …great idea. You’re thinkin’ on your feet now lady. 

 

A common misconception in this state is that 15 is the age of consent - it's not, but it is the age where it becomes a misdemeanor rather than a felony requiring registration as a sex offender. But I'd already told her that I would not press charges.  

 

>>>>>>>>> Then you use these 4 little words: “I changed my mind.” 

 

She violated the internet and bedtime rules last night (was up till 2am because, instead of doing her research project, she was socializing on myspace). I'll start with the least restrictive consequence - no internet for one day - but most likely she will defy it, in which case she's grounded for 3 days and the computer gets stashed at a friend's house. 

 

 >>>>>>>>>>> You are really ‘on track’. I am so proud of you. Thank you for being such a great student. Keep it going. 

 

On a lighter note, she's asking for a car for Christmas (which of course she can't drive, having just turned 15). She said the boyfriend could drive it. I said that's ridiculous. Thanks, S. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teenagers 

Mom is a Sadistic Bitch?

Mark, Thanks for your responses. Re: the boyfriend - things changed quickly in a short time. He broke up with her (he said because she told him she was 15 when she hadn't turned 15 yet), and she was devastated, then they "made up" and are "friends" – but from monitoring her myspace, I found out that what she has in mind is "friends with benefits". So I'm going to continue with the restrictions you suggested. But I wondered about allowing her to go to his house, since I found out that his parents provide no supervision (or aren't there at all), and they have done everything short of having sex there. She refuses to bring him here, or to have me drive her to Subway to meet him. So given the choice of seeing him with my restrictions, or not at all, she hasn't been seeing him. She is enraged over that and announces that she will sneak off and see him anyway. What do I do if this happens, besides 3 days discipline? She says that if I call the police and report her as a runaway, she will kill herself.  

 

>>>>>>>>>>>> I’d tell her that she’ll choose the 3-day discipline if she chooses to ‘sneak off’. Then if she sneaks off, follow through with the discipline with the caveat that if it happens a second time, the police will be called and runaway charges will be filed. Do not get sidetracked with threats of suicide (keep an eye on her though). 

 

The other problem I'm going through is with her yelling and cursing and saying things that really, really hurt. A couple of times I've slipped up this past week and yelled at her - I did after she got off restriction and immediately refused to get off the computer again. She knows how to push my buttons: "You're not my mother" …"I hate you with every fiber of my being" …"You murderer. You destroyed a human being. Some day you will have a dead daughter." One of her favorites: "When I turn 18 and join the army I will have nothing to do with you" (I think she has every intention of carrying that out – but then again, she could be saying this because she knows that would hurt me more than anything) Those hurt more than calling me "sadistic bitch", "fucking whore", "Nazi mom", "billy bad ass" (very sarcastically, when I told her that if she doesn't get off the internet, she loses it tomorrow).  

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I know these statements hurt, and I’m not asking you to not get angry or to not be hurt – but I am asking you to “act as if” you are unaffected. If you keep that poker face on, she will eventually stop (because there’s no payoff).  

 

>>>>>>>>>> You could throw in the statement, “If you choose to call me a ‘bitch’ or any other name, you’ll choose the consequence (3-day discipline).” If she calls you a name at some point during the 3-day discipline, the 3 days starts over. 

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

 

 Several times she has threatened to jump out of the car into traffic. And she talks about specific suicide methods, like hanging herself and jumping off a 10 story building. I worry because her father is bipolar in addition to being an alcoholic. She says she is "numb" and "empty inside." And, thanks to monitoring software, I found out that she posted a suicide note on myspace in which she blames me and says she hates me with every fiber of her being, and that it is my fault. She knows how to make me feel guilty - says I am a terrible mother and that I should not have had children, and I fear she may be right; not everyone is cut out for motherhood. And I feel guilty that, right now, I really do not like her very much. 

 

 >>>>>>>>>> Hold it lady. You’re letting your daughter “head-trip” you into doubting yourself. I’m glad to her you admit that you do not like your daughter right now. Now you’re gettin’ real (i.e., in touch with authentic feelings). 

 

 I do tell her I love her, but she says she doesn't believe me (it's true that I love her because she's my daughter, but I don't like the surly, defiant teenager she has become). And she says she cannot get along with me and that I destroyed my relationship with her. Anything I can do besides the "poker face", following the rules for fair fighting, giving her more attention when I "catch her doing something right", and trying to take care of myself? (I'm finding it impossible to focus on my own work, which is what I know I need to do).  

 

>>>>>>>>> Yes …there’s one more thing. You need to understand that your daughter is an expert manipulator (i.e., she’s full of shit). Are you taking this “mothering” thing too seriously? Are you taking her anger too personally? 

 

 >>>>>>>> Your new assignment is to find humor in ALL these situations – that’s right -- I said humor. If you feel you can’t do this right now, then “act as if” you find some humor in it.  

 

 Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

P.S. Here's my 3-step process for "acting as if" I find humor in something: 

 

Lack of nutrients and minerals could be causing bipolar disorder...

Mark, I had a client of mine bring me an article that you might find very interesting. I always view herbal type remedies with caution, but this one catches my eye. It was in ‘Canadian Living’, June issue about Empowerplus and bipolar disorder. If you go to www.truehope.com you can read about what started Empowerplus and success stories. Interesting enough I have 2 girls with PCOS which can lead to Type 2 bipolar, and I have a daughter who has developed signs of this. I also almost lost a 25 year old brother last year who they were treating for irritable bowel syndrome, which turned out to be colitis. He was told this runs in families and someone else in the family must have it. What I get from this article is that lack of nutrients and minerals could be causing bipolar disorder in some individuals. When I look at my family history of possible bipolar with a family history of colitis... could there be a link. Wouldn't it be interesting to see our family history all along could be due to a lack of nutrients and minerals?? The article site ‘pigs’ are the origin for the idea for this product. We now know many of our diseases in the world start in chickens, pigs, etc. Also remember many years ago many of our ancestors used to live with these animals in the same household for survival. Could there be a link and then we've just passed it through generations??? Just an interesting subject to kindle over, P.C

Adopted Daughter Problems

Dear Mark,

Right now I'm looking for a different kind of help. I've done foster care for years, approx. 17 years and have adopted 4 children and had 2 biological. We've had about 100 children go thru our house over the years and I thought I had dealt with almost everything until my latest challenge.

She is now 13 years old. She has been with us since she is a year old. Approx. 3 years ago she became very defiant, which has gotten worse and has even been physically reactive at times only to immediate family. She is very rude, sarcastic and enjoys annoying people and non-compliant with almost all rules. She does well at school, she's in accelerated classes and very athletic and talented.

I had her see a psychiatrist 2 1/2 years ago and he diagnosed her with ODD, depression, and attachment issues. He prescribed medicine for the depression and she did try 2 - 3 pills and then refused to take it because they made her feel funny. She was in counseling at that time which she totally manipulated. We stopped everything for a while because it was going nowhere.

It has escalated and in March she was admitted to a local behavioral unit for a few days after punching my husband in the back of her head with her fist when he told her not to do something and she went to do it anyway and he tried to stop her by taking away the poster board. That psychiatrist only diagnosed her with ODD and sent her home and wants her to start counseling again. We do have an appt. set up and are looking into wrap around services, but right now our house is like a time bomb and is very stressful to say the least.

I know ideally the best thing for her because of the attachment issues would be to remain at our house, but I'm not sure we will be able to do so. She has no desire to try and get along and comply with anyone in the house. My question is do you have any suggestions on effective treatment facilities should I need to look for one? I'm afraid she would only learn more negative behaviors in there and come home worse than when she went in. I'm also presently looking into boarding schools, but I'm afraid I won't be able to afford one. Do you know of any special scholarships for adopted children whom are having a difficult time?

Thanks,

Frustrated and heartbroken

`````````````````

Re: My question is do you have any suggestions on effective treatment facilities should I need to look for one?

I would recommend that you simply go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Once on probation, your daughter will be referred by probation to whatever services she needs (which may include placement).

Re: Do you know of any special scholarships for adopted children whom are having a difficult time?

According to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse's website – http://www.childwelfare.gov -- there is money available for students like your daughter. Some states including Florida, New Jersey, Maine, Texas, and Virginia have earmarked scholarship programs for children adopted through their state foster care systems. To find out if your state has a similar program, contact your State Adoption Specialist.

The Orphan Foundation of America scholarship program has awarded more than $1 million in scholarships to foster and former foster youth. For more information, visit http://www.orphan.org -- or call (571) 203-0270.

The National Foster Parent Association also provides awards for foster youth. Get an application by visiting http://www.nfpainc.org -- or by calling (800) 557-5238.

 

Adoptive Daughter Problems

Dear Mark,

Right now I'm looking for a different kind of help. I've done foster care for years, approx. 17 years and have adopted 4 children and had 2 biological. We've had about 100 children go thru our house over the years and I thought I had dealt with almost everything until my latest challenge.

She is now 13 years old. She has been with us since she is a year old. Approx. 3 years ago she became very defiant, which has gotten worse and has even been physically reactive at times only to immediate family. She is very rude, sarcastic and enjoys annoying people and non-compliant with almost all rules. She does well at school, she's in accelerated classes and very athletic and talented.

I had her see a psychiatrist 2 1/2 years ago and he diagnosed her with ODD, depression, and attachment issues. He prescribed medicine for the depression and she did try 2 - 3 pills and then refused to take it because they made her feel funny. She was in counseling at that time which she totally manipulated. We stopped everything for a while because it was going nowhere.

It has escalated and in March she was admitted to a local behavioral unit for a few days after punching my husband in the back of her head with her fist when he told her not to do something and she went to do it anyway and he tried to stop her by taking away the poster board. That psychiatrist only diagnosed her with ODD and sent her home and wants her to start counseling again. We do have an appt. set up and are looking into wrap around services, but right now our house is like a time bomb and is very stressful to say the least.

I know ideally the best thing for her because of the attachment issues would be to remain at our house, but I'm not sure we will be able to do so. She has no desire to try and get along and comply with anyone in the house. My question is do you have any suggestions on effective treatment facilities should I need to look for one? I'm afraid she would only learn more negative behaviors in there and come home worse than when she went in. I'm also presently looking into boarding schools, but I'm afraid I won't be able to afford one. Do you know of any special scholarships for adopted children whom are having a difficult time?

I'm sorry this is so long but felt I had to give an accurate picture.

Thanks,

Frustrated and heartbroken

`````````````````

Re: My question is do you have any suggestions on effective treatment facilities should I need to look for one?

I would recommend that you simply go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Once on probation, your adoptive daughter will be referred by probation to whatever services she needs (which may include placement).

Re: Do you know of any special scholarships for adopted children whom are having a difficult time?

According to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse's website – http://www.childwelfare.gov -- there is money available for students like your adoptive daughter. Some states including Florida, New Jersey, Maine, Texas, and Virginia have earmarked scholarship programs for children adopted through their state foster care systems. To find out if your state has a similar program, contact your State Adoption Specialist.

The Orphan Foundation of America scholarship program has awarded more than $1 million in scholarships to foster and former foster youth. For more information, visit http://www.orphan.org -- or call (571) 203-0270.

The National Foster Parent Association also provides awards for foster youth. Get an application by visiting http://www.nfpainc.org -- or by calling (800) 557-5238.

Mark

 

We Kicked Her Out

Hi Mark,

I was the mother who had the question about my 18 year old. I did purchase your ebook and read it cover to cover yesterday. We are the parents who ended up kicking our daughter out because of lack of respect. She kept going out and would not call to let us know where she was even though we asked her time and time again. She would sleep over at a friend’s house 2-3 times in one weekend to get out of her curfew. We would ask her to help out around the house and gave her specific chores, but they were never done. We do not believe a word she says.

She has started dating a kid who she dated in the past and he has treated her poorly. He is a very jealous kid and we do not condone her seeing him. Since we kicked her out, we have found out that she has lied to us again. I know that we have to confront her about this lie and she has to pay the consequence. She lied about going on a field trip for school, which we paid for. She ended up skipping school that day and someone else went in her place. The trip was $40.00. So, therefore, she owes us $40.00 since she did not go and got reimbursed from the kid who took her place. She also owes us about $500.00 for things that added up when she was out of a job in Feb and March. I wanted her to start paying me back at least $20 to $30.00 a paycheck when she started working again. She has now gotten 3 paychecks and not one dime has come my way.

I also plan on telling her in a calm manner that we are unhappy with her behavior. In the past she would push my buttons and I would get extremely upset, but I know now that was wrong. This bad behavior started years ago, but was pretty much manageable, we thought, up until just recently. Apparently we were wrong.

About three years ago she started sneaking out at night and after months of doing this she got caught. We found out about it and she stopped for a while. We then found out she snuck out again and was brought home by the cops. Only for her and her boyfriend at the time to tell us she might be pregnant, and they were sneaking out to get a pregnancy kit. Thank god she was not pregnant and thankfully she finally saw the light about not dating him again.

She wanted to continue seeing him but we said "no". This basically is when the problems began. My husband cannot forgive her for this since she gave up her virginity plus snuck out on us. Grant it, it took me a long time to forgive her, but I moved on and took her to the gynecologist and tried my best to hold my anger and emotion inside of me.

Now I am wondering if kicking her out was such a good idea. We wanted to send a message. But she has such a chip on her shoulder I do not know if it will work. I have only spoken briefly with her since she left and plan on talking with her tonight. I want her to start counseling again, and like I said, want to talk to her in a calm manner. What do you think??

Thanks,

D.

`````````````````````````````` 

Well …first, counseling will be a waste of time and money.

Second, you did the right thing here (i.e., kicking her out). I would simply do the following:

1. Tell her that the door is always open as long as she agrees to comply with house rules.

2. State the house rules as well as the consequences for violating the rules.

3. Follow through with the consequences if she violates any house rule.

My best guess is that she will not agree to your house rules, in which case, she chooses to live elsewhere (which would be perfectly acceptable since she is an adult now). 

 

Mark 

Is your son a computer hacker?

Three teenagers face felony charges for allegedly hacking into their school computer system to "fix" grades — not for themselves but for friends.

The 16-year-olds are enrolled in advanced computer classes at Bay High School, and sheriff's investigator Paul Vecker said they didn't need to change their own grades.

"These are three young men who are quite intelligent," he said.

Vecker said they mostly changed friends' grades by small increments to avoid notice. However, they allegedly made a big change for one junior, who reportedly would've failed if her grade hadn't been changed from an F to a B, investigators said.

The school contacted the Bay County sheriff's office on Thursday.

One of the teens is charged with offense against intellectual property and the other two face charges of being principal to offense against intellectual property. 

A county juvenile detention supervisor said Saturday he couldn't say if they had been released on bail because of privacy laws protecting juveniles.

Teenage daughter's behavior is getting worse...

Mark, Thanks. A quick update -- I wrote four house rules and gave the paper to her (I'll add more rules later but thought I'd keep it simple for now).

1. Bedtime 11:00 pm.
2. Two hours limit on internet time, no computer after 10:00 pm.
3. No going off with friends without permission - no exceptions - and must
obey curfew.
4. No seeing boyfriend without direct supervision.

Not following the above entails 3 days grounding. Violating grounding entails additional consequences (which I didn't specify - in the long term I'm thinking of no drivers' license at 16 and no JROTC next year if her behavior doesn't change). What do you think?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’m not sure the self-reliance concept is sinking in. Will withholding JROTC and a driver’s license foster the development of self-reliance or dependency? Answer: Dependency. Thus: Bad decision.

>>>>>>>>>>> Just stick with the 3-day-discipline principles. If she violates the discipline, just look at your watch and re-start it – don’t tack-on more consequences. If restrictions start to pile up, she’ll not be able to see any light at the end of the tunnel, and as a result, will adopt the “fuck-it” attitude (i.e., she’ll be so despondent that she will not cooperate on anything whatsoever).

As you predicted, it's getting worse before it gets better. She violated the computer and bedtime rules and had a meltdown, yelling and cursing and calling me "billy bad-ass" and screaming "you are a terrible mother, you never should have had me" and promising to make my life "hell" when I told her she cannot see the boyfriend after school. She yelled so loudly I was afraid the neighbors would call the police. But she's cell phone-less and
computer-less for 3 days.

>>>>>>>>>> Believe me when I tell you that this is a good thing. It tells me that positive change is occurring – and change is painful. But it will be well worth the effort in the long run. Don’t back down!

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents