Thanks. A quick update -- I wrote four house rules and gave the paper to her (I'll add more rules later but thought I'd keep it simple for now).
1. Bedtime 11:00 pm.
2. Two hours limit on internet time, no computer after 10:00 pm.
3. No going off with friends without permission - no exceptions - and must
4. No seeing boyfriend without direct supervision.
Not following the above entails 3 days grounding. Violating grounding entails additional consequences (which I didn't specify - in the long term I'm thinking of no drivers' license at 16 and no JROTC next year if her behavior doesn't change). What do you think?
>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’m not sure the self-reliance concept is sinking in. Will withholding JROTC and a driver’s license foster the development of self-reliance or dependency? Answer: Dependency. Thus: Bad decision.
>>>>>>>>>>> Just stick with the 3-day-discipline principles. If she violates the discipline, just look at your watch and re-start it – don’t tack-on more consequences. If restrictions start to pile up, she’ll not be able to see any light at the end of the tunnel, and as a result, will adopt the “fuck-it” attitude (i.e., she’ll be so despondent that she will not cooperate on anything whatsoever).
As you predicted, it's getting worse before it gets better. She violated the computer and bedtime rules and had a meltdown, yelling and cursing and calling me "billy bad-ass" and screaming "you are a terrible mother, you never should have had me" and promising to make my life "hell" when I told her she cannot see the boyfriend after school. She yelled so loudly I was afraid the neighbors would call the police. But she's cell phone-less and
computer-less for 3 days.
>>>>>>>>>> Believe me when I tell you that this is a good thing. It tells me that positive change is occurring – and change is painful. But it will be well worth the effort in the long run. Don’t back down!