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Dear Mr. Hutten, It's been awhile since my last e-mail. My son M__ is 17 1/2. He's quit 2 jobs over the last 6 months, but has a car. I've told him that he at least needs to have a job 1 weekend day . I think he should at least put gas in it himself. He is a senior this year and plays soccer now and hockey all winter until March. He has no interest in working at all and keeps asking for money. Per your advice I have stopped with the handouts. I've told him pay for gas or park the car- Why do I feel so guilty ? I can't get him motivated to do anything, but I also know that he needs to motivate himself. He can be extremely charming until he hears no, that turns to the "whatever" mentality. What else can I do ? Looking forward to your response, M. P.S. I've intituted an 11:00 pm curfew and no more sleepovers-nothing good comes from teenage boys up all night !! I've stuck to both and probably couldn't have done this without you- y...

Q: i am 27 yrs old mom of a 5 yrs-old boy who really, i may say a d d i c t e d to c o m p u t e r games. Im worried about him coz he shows no i n t e r e s t in going to school. Aside from that at home he becomes d e s t r u c t i v e e v e r y t i m e we stop him from doing or getting what he wants. At the age of five he is lazy in writing and doing school work. But i believe that my child is smart and can be an outstanding student if only we could m o t i v a t e him. ````````````````````` A: Computers, video games, and the Internet have become entrenched features of our daily lives. Computer use has reached beyond work and is now a major source of fun and entertainment for many people. For most people, computer use and video game play is integrated into their lives in a balanced healthy manner. For others, time spent on the computer or video game is out of balance, and has displaced work, school, friends, and even family. When time spent on the computer, playing video games or...

Mark, My husband and I have been taking your online course and it has been very helpful. Our son is about to turn 18 and has all but dropped out of school. We feel that our next step should be to give him a few choices: either he goes to school regularly or gets a job by the time he turns 18 or he’ll have to move into our garage. If he moves into the garage, we won’t support him in any way except to provide food and a garage couch for him to sleep on. He won’t be allowed in the house except to use the bathroom. If we actually kick him out of the house now, I’m sure he’ll just get into more trouble. I know eventually it may come that, but the garage is my last step before kicking out. Does this make good sense to you? Do you have any other recommendations? Thanks so much for your input. K. Click here for my response...

On the rewards idea for a middle school s t u d e n t : On the final report card: Is giving them $$50 for each A and $$25 for each B too much? `````````````````````````````````````````` Actually, I don't recommend paying kids for good grades at all. Once you start down this slippery slope, you have to keep raising the stakes. And once kids get old enough to earn their own money, you lose leverage. Not to mention that this kind of deal doesn't always work. Child psychologist Sylvia Rimm points out that for high-achieving students, money doesn't matter. And, Rimm says, kids who are underachievers fail because they're inconsistent. So if they slip and get a poor grade, they figure that they're not going to get the reward and give up. Even worse, parents sometimes end up paying them for half measures and the system backfires. In my experience, paying a compliment is better than paying cash. Reward good grades -- or consistent effort -- by giving your kids a hug,...

Hi Mark First of all thank you for your programme – from my (albeit limited!) experience we are finding it well constructed, full of common sense and very supportive. I have a question of how to deal with an aspect of my child’s behaviour in this fairly early stage of the programme: We are implementing Week 2 (we started 3 weeks ago but my daughter was away for most of last week). Z__ is the 2 nd of 3 girls. The eldest is nearly 14, Z__ is 11, and her younger sister is nearly 8. For a number of years we have gone through periods of time where Z__’s behaviour has been very difficult. She gets very angry and frustrated when things don’t go her own way, and we have put it down to “middle child syndrome”, although (of course!) we try to treat them all very even-handedly. As these phases have come and gone, we have not taken much action to try to amend our own behaviour. Of course we have tried to analyse why the dynamic has been so difficult. Our eldest child has never been difficul...

My problem is this. Recently my ex-husband let our 14 y/o ride a 4 wheeler without supervision or helmet. He had a bad accident and in the hospital for 8 days. He knows I do not allow this but seems to let him do things like this. Of course you want to be with the parent that lets you roam free. I cannot get him to understand we need to be on the same page. I am willing to compromise, but he just wants to hurt me. I am not sure how to handle this and some of the trouble I have with my son is from this. Any suggestions. Thanks, M. ````````````````````` Hi M., Parents who have significantly different child-rearing styles are more likely to have kids with behavior problems than families who have similar styles. A parent who gives in to his kid's every demand in the hope of satisfying them almost always finds that the opposite happens: Instead of letting up, the kids continue to push for more and more, looking for a sign of how much is too much. A similar thin...

Hi T., == > I’ve commented throughout your email below: Hi Mark, A couple of weeks ago I bought your program. Well things are getting worse …my seventeen year old son is out of control. == > As you may recall from watching the first few Instructional Videos, things do tend to get worse before they get better. This is not uncommon and should be viewed as “progress.” On June 25 one of his co-workers committed suicide (my son worked with him and knew him well) my son worked with him that day. Since then my son has started drinking while on medication for anger - anxiety …two weeks ago the rage hit with his 23-year-old brother home from out west on vocation. It was really bad as he raged for three hours. Smashing stuff fighting with whoever would be in his way. A full-blown rage of no other kind. I told him in a calm state that the next time this happened I would call the police. ==> Join Online Parent Support   Today it happened again... he had been at...

Mark, My 14-year-old son found himself a job in June. He works very long hours some days, usually in the hot sun. He gets up on his own, packs his own lunch and is very responsible. This is someone who has been and can still be quite defient. He has spent nearly all the money he has made. There is a small amount in savings for expenses he must pay soon. He loves to spend and buys a lot of his own meals and snacks. He has also bought things his friends already have. I buy him very little except for birthday and Christmas. The problem is saving. I originally thought he should save more, but am giving up on the notion. It has caused too many quarrels and doesn't seem to be worth it. He says it is his money and he should get to determine where it goes. He will be paying for basketball shoes and driver's training and anything else coming up soon but will probably run out well before Christmas. He will not be working again until June. Is he right? It is his money and he ...

Factsheet: Conduct Disorder (CD) What is CD? CD is a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in kids and adolescents in which the rights of others or basic social rules are violated. The youngster or adolescent usually exhibits these behavior patterns in a variety of settings—at home, at school, and in social situations—and they cause significant impairment in his or her social, academic, and family functioning. What are the signs and symptoms of CD? Behaviors characteristic of CD include: Serious rule violations, such as staying out at night when prohibited, running away from home overnight, or often being truant from school. Non-aggressive conduct that causes property loss or damage, such as fire-setting or the deliberate destruction of others’ property. Deceitfulness or theft, such as breaking into someone’s house or car, or lying or “conning” others. Aggressive behavior that causes or threatens harm to other people or animals,...

"Should you secretly snoop on your teenage child? I am not talking about where you're open with them about your surveillance. I am talking about clandestine snooping: Reading their e-mail …checking their text messages …reading their diaries …eavesdropping on their conversations with friends …searching their room …searching their jeans -- all in secret." Click here for the answer...

Hi Mark, It is pleasing to see that K is modifying his behaviour - nothing else worked, but this program certainly does! He chose to test whether the consequences would be enforced, and when he lost his phone for 48 hrs for the second time in a week, instead of punching the wall, he ended up crying. And I could remain calm, and acknowledge it was distressing, but that the good news was, it never had to happen again, if he followed the few basic rules that were set. I know it has to get worse before it gets better, and I am heartened by the progress so far. Online Parent Support

Hi Mark Thank you for all that information re school – it’s enormously helpful. I have to ask if you might be able to help with a question about public ‘meltdowns’. I don’t know how to handle this situation and it seems to be getting worse. He can’t seem to handle anything not going his way or anyone daring to do something other than what suits him or benefits him. We had another one on the weekend where at football he was put into a position he didn’t like for the first quarter. At the end of the quarter he yelled rudely at the coach to move him. The coach then quite rightly and calmly put him on the bench for the next quarter. He sat there crying and fuming and carrying on about how unfair, everyone’s got it in for him, why me, coach hates me etc. etc. Tried to explain it was only about everyone taking their turn in all positions etc. but then he just became aggressive and insulting to me. It’s a typical scenario. Do I just implement the ‘when I want something from my child’ strate...

Question Dear Mr. Hutton, I just finished reading session 1. I know my daughter has been over-indulged and she possesses most of the personality characteristics you describe as a result of this style of parenting. I definitely want to stop the "free handouts" and foster self-reliance in my daughter as well as my other two children. The problem is I am recently divorced and my ex-husband does everything you describe in the permissive, self-indulgent parenting style. I think he is doing this to be "popular" , "win our daughter over" and to make up for feelings of "guilt" he must have for committing adultery. He is currently taking me to court to gain full physical and legal custody of this 12-year-old daughter only. I believe this is too reduce his financial support to me. We have two other younger children together ages 9 and 5 years old. I also have a restraining order against him. My point in telling you this is that I cannot discuss parenting...

Let me say you and your ebook have been a big help to me. I can use some advice. My son took his mother’s credit card, charged up about 200 dollars worth of stuff. He admitted to doing it. He had a job at the time and I was of course going to make him pay for the charges. In the mean time, he quit his job for some reason. I have taken his car away from him and am in the process of cutting his cell phone off. He is 17 and I am sure his next response will be that he just won’t go back for his senior year of high school. That would devastate me, but I feel it is now his choice, and if he drops put of school, it's welcome to the real world. What is your opinion on all this? Let me admit to having been an overindulging parent over the years. One more question. I took his car because he his responsible for making the payments. What should I do about giving it back to him? I know you say 1 day, 3 days, 7 days as far as punishment but this is a little different. I told him not to quit ...

Dear Mark, Had to write to tell you that we have completed your course. Other parents need to know it is not an easy change to make but as you explained it was well worth it. I know that we will still experience some bumpy times but we are feeling a bit more confident as we continue to practice the skills. Our household is certainly seeing the difference and we feel more prepared to deal with our 15 year old daughter as she progresses through these teenage years. A lot of what we learned has also enabled us to utilize it with our two sons who are in their 20s as well. One thing I think we especially learned was that it is never too late to be an assertive parent and be a change agent in our children's lives. You do have to recognize when you aren't being assertive and willing to make the needed changes for your sake and theirs, too. Although we have a meeting with a probation officer in a couple of weeks as a consequence to our daughter’s choice to runaway we are co...

Dear Mr. Hutten, Thank you for your reply. It seems to be working for now and she hasn't asked about it again. I routinely look through my daughter's room. If she has drugs or alcohol in the house, I take it away and tell her that it is not acceptable for her to have these things. Last night she left her dresser drawer open and I looked in and found a knife, a large sharp kitchen knife, which is not from my home. My first thoughts are that she is holding on to it for someone or she stole it (but why?). It is a weapon and I think I should take it to the police. If it were a gun, I would take it to the police. I haven't spoken to her about it yet. What do you suggest? The other major issue with our daughter is school. She failed so badly at her last high school that they do not want her back and I think it would be best for her to make a fresh start. However, her motivation is zero. I want her to take control of her schooling and choose where she wants to go but I worry that...

Mark, I have just got to the bit about fair fighting and positive framing, really interesting and I can see how it would work a lot of the time but one of the biggest areas of conflict between my son and me is money, however much he gets he always wants more and will steal from me or his older brother and sister to get it. He has just stolen £370 from his brother's bank account by taking the card and pin no from the post. I can see how I can frame the action positively but how can I make a win win solution for him. He has had his allowance stopped until the money is paid, he is taking some out of his savings (controlled by absent father) but even so he will be weeks without money while he pays it back, I know he will take any opportunity he can to steal but I don't see how i can give him money even if he was willing to do chores, that seems disrespectful to his brother who worked two part time jobs to get the money. Help?! C. Click here for the answer... ...

Hi Mark, My mother S___ talked to you and then bought your program for my wife J___ and I. We have two boys Sammy 8 and Andy 4 (turns 5 Aug 20). Both of our boys have tons of energy and are very strong-willed. We're concerned about Andy's behavior however, we're optimistic that the program will also help Sammy. We've worked through Session 1 and 2 and have experienced some positive results despite the opposition at times. Our new "outlook" has not been popular especially with Sammy. Andy can be having a wonderful day and then suddenly "snap" and go into another place where he is defiant, annoying, and ignores any type of authority or discipline. He will lose one toy after another and not seem to care. He will not stay in a time out. He's aggressive and borderline abusive with our dog, his brother etc. He can get very physical. He gets this Jack Nicholson (shining) look on his face. He even does the eye roll. It's like a switch...

Hi Mark, I'm asking for some advice regarding a certain situation with my son. I had given you a little  background in an e-mail I sent you earlier this week. My son is 15, has a girlfriend, and since she has come into his life, my son has changed quite a bit. The girl and her family are not the kind of people I care to have my son spending time with. She has an older brother, and he is a very negative influence on my son. He lives the "thug" life, acts like a thug, and I simply don't trust him. He is soon to be 18, lives at home with his family, doesn't have a job, and just recently received his GED. He's very "sneaky" in the way he acts. I have my suspicions that this boy has influenced my son with things like drinking, cigarettes, and possibly marijuana. I have no proof, but I have my suspicions. My son is grounded at this time for sneaking out of his bedroom window and going to his girlfriend's. The mother and girlfriend both lied...

Hi Mark— I want to start by thanking you again for your continued support and constant flow of information on your website. I have just completed the program and have seen positive changes in my 11-year-old son at home. He still continues to CONSTANTLY ANNOY others and put them down. He does this to his friends and other children in our neighborhood. He has been tackled two times this summer because of his mouth. I do not know what to do. I know that he is constantly putting down people because of his own self-esteem. We are trying hard to follow all steps of the program. I review them several times a week. Please let me know if there is something else we can do to help him not to make fun of people and feel better about himself. Thank you. J. Click here for my response...

"My 15 year old son refuses to go to school, but o t h e r w i s e is a good kid. How can I make him do school work? He attends a private school. He says he can't "force" himself to do i t . " Click here for my response...

Hi J., == > I’ve responded throughout your email: Mark, To catch you up and again some suggestions for guiding us (parents). M______ was successfully released from probation end of July. Just as we predicted, he has been out of control. He is 17 1/2. He has joined up with some friends who are known to buy/do weed. He has been linked to buying/doing weed as well. Not sure how "hooked" he may be--this is all hear say. He is told if he is not home by parent set curfew, he is not to come in the house. He may sleep in the shed if he does come home. We have let him in several times when out with his g'friend as she does call with their where abouts and are home soon after. We do trust her and she has confided in us about some of the things M has done/is doing. We have told him also that the security system is on, and he may not come into the house until a parent is home (we deleted his pass code). == > This is all good. Great job! He still...