ONLINE PARENTING COACH

"Hi Mark, I had emailed you earlier in the year about my 17 year old. I am writing again to seek your advice. I have read the email from the "Sad Mom" under the Empty Nest Syndrome tab linked to your email and I must say I am suffering almost the same fate now as her. My 17 year old daughter has now moved out of home to be with her father whom she hasn’t had much time for in recent times due to them not seeing eye to eye. Now that she has moved in with him it seems that he is giving in to her every demand. My daughter is now seeing an 18 year old who comes from a broken home, whose father was abusive. This guy jumps from house to house after being kicked out of his fathers house, he moves to his mothers, then he will get kicked out of there so he moves in with his brother who lives with his de facto and newborn child and that’s where he lives at the moment. He just so happens to live just around the corner from where my daughter’s father is living so it is very convenie...

Hello Mark… It is just after 2:30am and I am having difficulty sleeping, so perhaps sharing a few of my worrisome thoughts with you as my remote 'sounding board' may help. I am so very concerned for our future. When push comes to shove, my sons seem to embrace failure and punishment. Let me try to piece things together to try to explain my deep concerns. My husband had taken 4 months long service leave as the stress of our son's behaviours were taking their toll. Last month we went together as a family to a counsellor that is part of his employment benefits as he was preparing to return to work. Although somewhat better this year (no disappearing overnight or longer on the weekends, no demands for alcohol), we needed to address our son's behaviours that were building into more trouble at home (argumentative, unreasonable behaviours) and poor school performance (lateness, truancy among some other things related to poor decision making). It took my husband to repeatedly...

Hi Mark, I do have an issue to ask you about. I have custody of my 17 year old granddaughter and school is definitely a challenge with her. M___ has been with me for just under 2 years. She is from __________ and after 2 years of grade 9 had only 4 credits. As of February 2007 she had 13 1/2 high school credits and requires 30 credits to graduate. Her problem is socializing, skipping and not handing in her homework - so of course she does not do well in school. After talking with the vice principal at the school we decided to move her to a __________ School where she does not attend school for the entire day. She only goes to school for 2 hours per week per course and she does her homework on her own. This often works for students who have problems in the regular school stream. When we moved her to the Alternative school, I talked with her and told her this was her last chance to try and get a high school education, which is very important for her future. I have been trying ...

Hi Mark, I emailed you in Jan 07 about my situation concerning my 17 yr old daughter. Now, I am looking for your advice again. My daughter moved out of our home, not with our consent, back in January. She moved into her boyfriend's house (his mom's house) but they have since moved into their own apartment. She only met this guy over Christmas, and he is on a methodone treatment plan for his oxycotin addiction. He is 21. She is in her last year of high school, but may not even graduate now as she very rarely attends school anymore. Her relationship with her two sisters has deteriorated big time, however it doesn't seem to bother her in the least. As well, my relationship with my daughter has suffered more than I can describe. Her relationship with her Dad is almost non-existent. The last three months for me have been hell. My emotions are all over the map. She should have been at her grade 12 prom last night, such a memorable event in a young girl's li...

I've tried the "catch your kid in the act of doing something right" business, but it doesn't really seem to work ...my son just looks at me like I'm stupid. Any suggestions?   ANSWER:   Yes... A few points here: The My Out-of-Control Teen eBook does not contain a set of "one-size-fits-all" parenting strategies. I rely on the parent to be smart enough to "fine-tune" the strategies according to their specific situation (this is why the parent-coaching piece is so important; you'll need some clarification and revision on some things from time to time).    Some kids have very low self-esteem, and so a daily dose of positive strokes in the form of acknowledgment and praise is prescribed. Some kids have fairly high self-esteem, and as such, do not need a lot of strokes. In fact, too many stokes for this kid will be annoying to him/her. Use your good judgment here -- be creative.    As a side note, here are the two mistakes I see parents make...

Hi J., I’ve answered where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>   Mark, Have just received your e-book and went through it. I am going to go through it a few more times to make sure I "get it right". I do have some questions for you I'm hoping you can answer. 1. How do you handle a situation where you believe your teen took something (the extra set of car keys for the car he will drive when he shows he is more trustworthy and responsible) but cannot prove it as there are other children in the house (19 yrs old with a car of his own and a 9 yr old) and the keys just came up missing.    >>>>>>>>>> If you have no evidence re: who took the keys, then you shouldn’t accuse anyone.   >>>>>>>>>> I know this may be hard for you to hear, but go to your local auto repa i r shop and have them put in a new ignition switch in the vehicle in question. You will then receiv e a new set...

Greetings, Mark! Your publications and web site have proven to be invaluable sources of information; thanks! I am writing to seek assistance with my almost 17 year male child. He has been diagnosed with ADHD with some depression symptoms as well. He is currently on Prozac and Straterra. The Prozac is for the depression and the Straterra is for focusing issues at school. We have noticed behavioral changes on those days when he forgets to take the meds (and it is a mild hassle to remind him every day). He is currently in the 10th grade for the second time, and may have to repeat again because of failing grades. He is very well versed in creating rap songs using the computer and 'beats', and spends most of his waking hours working on these projects. Which leads to his poor performance in school. We never see him doing homework at home - his response when asked about any is that he did it already. He refuses to write down assignments, and is almost always late in completing wh...

Hi Mark, Thanks for the great emails, I read all of them and find them helpful even if they don't relate directly to my situation. I can relate to it somehow to my life and maybe some thoughts I have had of my own. I have listened to all your information and read everything so far, just wanted you to know I have found it very helpful. It has really built on what I read previously while I was endlessly searching for options. I was just curious about one thing. My daughter is 18 and things have settled down some, partly because of my reaction to her things and the other is because she stopped seeing her long time boyfriend. He actually called the relationship off because they fought constantly. I don't care for the kid at all. There are so many issues that he has that I see as an adult, not that my daughter doesn't have them, but they are just not good together. Because he broke it off, she kept hanging around the same areas he was and calling him and trying to be his friend...

I appreciate your advice and your emails. I’ve got a situation that I’m sure others have gone thru. I have a 16 year old son who moved in with me 2 years ago after 14 years with his mom (we divorced when he was about 2). He’s going thru all of this defiance stuff. My biggest issues are the negative influences that he is creating for his 3 much younger siblings. The entire family dynamic and their behavior is changing for the worse while I try to work thru these issues with the teenager. It seems askew to allow 1 kid to sour 3. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks, A.R.  ````````````````````  Behaviors are contagious. So your son’s defiance may very well “rub off” on your other kids at some level. But, let them know that if they choose to follow in their brother’s footsteps (e.g., to act-out in a particular way), they too will choose the resultant consequence.

Hi Mark I have read your ebook but I have a few questions. We just received our 16 yr old son's report card and to say the least, it is not good. I know that this needs to be his responsibility but he just won't do anything. He is failing the 3 classes where he has homework. The other 3 he is passing but only just. He seems to be refusing to put much effort into his schoolwork. How do we react to this??     >>>>>>>>> Please refer to this section of the eBook for this problem: CLICK HERE     I emailed you a while ago about how to handle moving with a 16 yr old as this is certainly a possibility due to a changing work situation for his Dad. Do you think this is partly a reaction to the move possibility or maybe depression??      >>>>>>>> I think both, plus the fact that you may be taking on more responsibility for his schoolwork than he is (refer to the eBook section above).     Anytime...

Hello Mark, Thank you for your site, interest and email. We are beginning to look through the material that we have printed off, and will begin the program on the weekend. We are uncertain as to our coping abilities if matters continue to deteriorate. At present, there is fluctuation between stable and intolerable. We have twin sons aged 17.5 years who have just had a scrape with the law. They are yet to pay for their crime with other boys also involved. As this is their first time, restorative justice conferencing has been offered rather than a charge with possible conviction or juvenile justice accommodations. We have removed them from the College environment and withheld internet and mobile phone, thus keeping them distant from their circle of friends. We are keeping them busy with hard work in the garden and one son has gained part-time employment on weekday evenings. I have been working with them to identify behaviours and habits that support their delinquency and undermine ...

I’ve answered below where you see these arrows >>>>>>>>>> Hello Mark, My 13-year old son is acting out again. I've set rules. He signed a contract for school and home behavior. Of course he now knows he is grounded. It started this way. My high school reunion was held in my city. I've planned for my children to meet with my close friends at a dinner held at a friend's house. D___, my 13-year old is fully aware of this. On the day of the occasion he made excuses not to go. He doesn't know anyone there …he'll be totally out of place, etc. He made things so difficult. He brought his pillow and blanket in the car threatening he won't go out of the car at all. I told him we already made this plan and there's no changing it at the last minute. I refused to be drawn into an argument because he is good at this. He made true his threat. His brother in college later on stopped by to join the group, came up to the car to talk to D___ ...

I’ve answered below where you see these arrows >>>>>>>>>> I should be calling our state police because my son's therapists want me to for any kind of angry, violent acts including throwing a wad of paper at me. But I'm afraid they would just laugh and not come in a real emergency. >>>>>>>>>>>>> Calling the police would be a waste of time, but you should go to your local probation department and file a battery charge. Allow me to repeat this: you should go to your local probation department and file a battery charge! If you don’t, then you will be attempting to “save” your son from emotional pain associated with his poor choices – a form of over-indulgence. >>>>>>>>>>>>> If you read the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of my eBook, then you’ll see that you have reached the highest level possible on the anger ladder: 6th - Physical violence enters the pictur...

I have worked with foster children for fifteen years, several with bipolar disorder …so I have dealt with these kids for years. So that is why I requested your book. But most recently my adult son has just recently been diagnosed …he has been very difficult to talk to. He is on medication, and seeing a doctor but it hasn't helped much. His behavior is overwhelming his wife and children. We can't seem to reach him, or are afraid to try. My question is, when he was 10 months old he had viral meningitis and was very ill. At five years of age the doctors thought he had Muscular Dystrophy, because his muscles were so weak,, and still are. But, now I see from research that this was damage was most likely due from the Meningitis. Could the Meningitis also be causing this Bipolar disorder? What would you recommend we do? L. -------------------------- Hi L., According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, bipolar disorder would NOT be diagnosed if the indi...

I read what you suggest in the area of alcohol [ viewed here ]. I don't think I could follow through with calling the police and turning her in for under aged drinking ...a record of this kind is part of what we're trying to avoid ….along with the obviously safety issues. Do you have any other suggestions or do you believe that's the only thing that could possibly help? ============== Do I have any other suggestions? Are you kiddin' me? Absolutely not!!! I'm going to have to be a bit blunt here: You are trying to save your daughter from painful emotions associated with her poor choices. This is a "traditional" parenting strategy that WILL cause you more problems -- I guarantee it. I can see you have a way to go yet with the business of tough love. Mark P.S. You just got a dose of tough love yourself. My Out of Control Teen

Dear Mark, I have a 13 year old adopted daughter. She is the youngest of 6 children, 2 biological and 4 adopted. We were foster parents for many years and therefore have had much experience with children, both well adjusted and troubled. She is very bright and very athletic. She is in the 7th grade taking accelerated classes and has been on the honor role. She excels in sports also. We noticed a difference in her a few years back and for the last 3 years her behavior at home has been on a steady decline. She has been able to keep things together outside the home but I'm not sure for how long. We had been in counseling 2 1/2 years with poor results and have recently started it again due to a suggestion from the local hospital behavioral unit, which she spent 4 days in March. This was her first hospitalization, but fear it will not be her last. Her behaviors have escalated to property destruction and physical retaliation. She refuses to admit anything is wrong and she feels ...

Hi T., ==> I’ve responded to your comments below. I have just finished reading and listening to the info on this website. I purchased for myself and my ex-husband for help with our 16 year old daughter. She is an excellent student, all county athlete, does not skip school or some of the other things you describe as behavior that parents are trying to change. We have been having a fair amount of difficulty with her not telling the truth in order to do things she doesn't want to tell us about. ==> Here’s suggestions re: lying: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/lying And we've had several incidents of drinking an excessive amount of alcohol. ==> Here’s suggestions re: teen alcohol drinking: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a The most recent incident occurred 1 week ago. She left to "go to her boyfriends house", she checked in as usual around 10pm, asked if she could stay to watch a movie they were just going to start. I allowed her to stay as long as she w...

Hi, Here are some questions: 1. How long do most teens need before you see some improvement? 2. How long do most use this silent treatment for? 3. I have been looking at these brat camp/wilderness camps. What are your thoughts on those? Thanks -------------- Re: How long do most teens need before you see some improvement? It all depends on how much you are applying the principles outlined in the ebook. Parents who do not “half-ass” the program usually begin to experience success within the first week. What I see most often, however, is the parent skims through the printable version of the ebook and then tries to wing it. This is the kiss of failure. A better approach is to read the printable version followed by reading the online version and listening to ALL the audio files. R e: How long do most use this silent treatment for? As long as he has resentment flu. Re: I have been looking at these brat camp/wilderness camps. What are your thoughts on those? I don’t re...

Hello Mark, I have a question concerning my son, age 15. He is still living with his Dad and pretty much doing what he pleases, at least the way I see it. Whenever I do see him, he gets angry when I ask him any questions about anything, school, activities, etc. He claims that he has talked with his father so everything is fine. My question is do I have any parenting rights now that he is there? My son did call me a couple of weeks ago because he and his girlfriend had sex and they were afraid she may be pregnant, even though he used a condom. I talked to him about this and promised I wouldn't tell his father and kept that promise. His Dad and her Mom allow him to spend the night at her house, which is totally out of the question at my house. I know that because of my rules, he will probably never come back here but the bottom line is, do I still have any rights? I'm just sick over this whole thing and am very worried about his safety among other things. Thanks Mark, T. ___...

I didn't see anything in your program about teen parents. My 15-year-old daughter was pregnant and lost her baby, and she is determined to get pregnant again. How can I help her see that she is going to make her life very hard by being a teen parent? I had my first child at 19, so I remember how hard it was, and I have been a single mom for 8 years now, so I know how hard single parenting is too. My fear is that I will end up raising her baby. I'm 45 now and I've had a child at home since I was 19, and I don't want to spend the next 20 years raising another one. Her stepsister had her first at 15 and her second at 19. Her cousin had two before she was 17. I guess they think this is normal or something. Being a single parent is so hard financially and emotionally and the kids all think it's just a big joke. I was really encouraged by your program, by the way. I noticed a couple of things in it that I am already doing, and that made me feel a little better a...

Hi Mark, A million thanks!!! I had a thought/question. I know that I asked about R___'s responsibility for owning his acne regimen. Think your counsel was to leave it up to him 100% ...the work and the obvious natural consequences of not complying. Now here is a case where he DOES have a vested interest in the outcome and to date has done NOTHING. A thought? I think he is ADD and very easily discouraged. To date the various acne regimens have either not worked or temporarily made things worse …so my fear is that he has just given up. I KNOW this plays a BIG role in his self-esteem and mood as there is a DIRECT and understandable correlation between when this flares up and his poor attitude. Given all of this what would you think of this? Create a chart for HIM and leave it with HIM in his room. The steps (there are a few?!) and a place for him to record observations and goals. That way he can say ...ok ...I did all of this and it got worse for 2 weeks ...but I did not expect to...

Thanks Mark, And I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with me last week. It's been a rough week in the sense that my son is not the happiest camper, but I truly felt empowered, especially after talking with you. I think we've made some headway and I think he's realizing that he's becoming an adult and has a responsibility to me and our household. Oh and by the way, I made a new online friend later that day on your site. I chatted with a parent of a soon to be 18 year old, her name is Vicki and she's in Arizona. She and I have been chatting since that day and she's helped me out with a few suggestions on how to cope. For you and her, I'll forever be grateful to have you both in my life during this trying time. Thanks again and I'll be in touch! ~R. Parent of a now 17-year-old young man Join Online Parent Support

Hi S. I've answered each of your questions below: 1) Is the e-book set up so that I must listen/observe 90 minute sessions on the computer at one sitting, or is it self-paced? ==> You go at your own pace. 2) Are all 4 sessions available to me at one time once I pay. ==> Yes. 3) Is there a certificate that you provide to parents or others who have worked through the workshops either on or offline? ==> Yes. When you feel you are ready to take a short easy quiz, just email and tell me you want to take the quiz so you can receive the certificate (it's an open ebook quiz by the way). Then I'll give you the quiz (via email), grade it, and send you your certificate (via email). Mark www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Also I am looking for some software to monitor my children's activity on the internet. Any suggestions??? I am also thinking of disabling my daughters myspace account, as she has even had horrible arguments with friends on this site, which resulted in her taking off... I do attempt to stand for a moment to monitor what they are doing, and get SCREAMED at as well as cursed at "you are so stupid, LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Horrible to have your child screaming at you and to have the tail wag the dog... Thanks K. ------------------------ Hi K. Here's what I use in my house: PC-Tattletale Parental Control Software