Short-term Mild Pain vs. Long-term Major Pain

Hi S. I’ve responded where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mr. Hutten,

Thank you for the excellent advice for assertive parenting. I like to think I employ a few of these techniques already, but definitely see room for improvement.

I have attempted to create an account so that I can join in chatroom discussions, but after entering the information and clicking "save", nothing happens. Any suggestions?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Just click on Sign Up …then type your email address, password x2, and a display name. If this doesn’t work for some reason, you can just click on “Chat Anonymously.”

Also, I have a question with regard to our 16 yr old. We have 4 boys ...two 10 yr olds, a 13 yr old, and a 16 yr old. So far, the younger ones have proven to be a piece of cake. The 16 yr old, however, has been a real challenge this year. He was hanging out with the wrong crowd and skipping school. We were trying to work on those issues (although, not in the most productive way, from what I've learned with
OPS).

In the process, we learned that he was using alcohol and marijuana (primarily in party or social settings). Last fall, he had an encounter with the law when he and his "pals" were caught loitering in the school parking lot and breaking/entering vehicles, stealing radios. Some of the other boys had multiple offenses and were given harsher punishment. Ours landed himself in the JDC for 21 days, missing
Thanksgiving, several community service hours, probation, expulsion from school, and placement in an alternative school for problematic teens.

He's threatened suicide, although, those appear to be more attention-seeking attempts. (We, of course, don't take the threats lightly but recognize them for what we believe them to be.) We've met with a mental-health counselor who felt we didn't have a problem that required therapy.

We tried removing him from the negative influences by moving him to a new school and letting him stay with his mother for a period of time (his choice). He came home with renewed promise to get back on track. It lasted for a short period but he's back to sneaking out, using marijuana, being verbally abusive and skipping school regularly (several classes or days per week). He's not made any effort to begin his community service and he's regularly defiant at home.

His world revolves around his girlfriend who is two years older. We've tried to control that situation as well, but it only induces more hostility so we try to encourage positive dating and family events including his date.

Needless to say, several of his acts violate his probation. His father is hurt, angry, and all those emotions you mentioned. I realize his need to take care of himself so that he's better prepared to take care of the problems with our son. We're working on that.

My question, is this...are we too late to employ these tactics?

>>>>>>>>>> No …BUT you MUST work WITH probation. Allow your son to make mistakes, then report these mistakes to his PO. This IS the learning process for him.

>>>>>>>>>> Here’s the formula:

(1) State the house rule and the consequence for breaking the house rule;
(2) Allow him to break the house rule – do not attempt to “save” him from breaking the rule;
(3) Follow through with the consequence – even if the consequence is reporting violations to his PO.

I realize, over time, there's significant hope for improvement, but being where we are right now, I don't know that we have that kind of time. We recognize that there's a very real potential for the judge to violate his probation anyway once his report card comes in, etc. Every time his father goes before the judge with him (monthly) he's torn on whether to be 100% truthful with the judge, which will automatically violate the probation...or to maintain that things are improving and continue working on the situation at home. Of course, no father wants to violate his son's probation and see him back in JDC.

>>>>>>>>>>> There should be no being “torn” – being “torn” and withholding information from the judge and PO is another form of over-indulgence, which IS the problem to start with.

He's emotionally drained and worried sick. With school nearly out and summer rapidly approaching, we (both working full time) are very concerned about the potential for more problems with even more free time on his hands.

>>>>>>>>>>> You will need to focus on taking care of yourselves in ways you wouldn’t have to if your son was not so intense.

I wish we had found your help earlier, and we're eager to employ the suggested parenting techniques, hoping for the best long-term outcome. In the interim, and with this judiciary issue pending, are we best to take this route and hope for the best or try to seek additional help from an outside resource with the hope of prompting more immediate change...and if, the latter would be your suggestion, where do we turn for that kind of assistance?

Your input is very much valued and your time appreciated. Thanks! S.B.

>>>>>>>>>>> If you’re referring to “counseling” – this is just another traditional parenting strategy that will have little or no positive outcome. You should allow him to experience uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices in the form of legal consequences – this is the ONLY way he will learn.

I would rather he experience some mild, short-term pain NOW rather than some major, long-term pain LATER in the form of adult prison. You do get my point, I’m sure.

Read the eBook – twice. Listen to ALL the audio in the Online Version of the eBook – twice. If you don’t have time to sit at your computer, get the CDs ==> CLICK HERE. And email me periodically over the next several months.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Creative Wife Gets Resistant Husband "On Board"

Mark,

I'm trying to implement the strategies in the eBook, but am getting NO support from my husband as he thinks my son should listen to him -- HAS to listen to him -- and I should severely punish him. I really have no one else to turn to at this point, and need some guidance.

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In those cases where the husband basically refuses to read any of the eBook and simply wants to keep parenting the way he always has, I would recommend doing what one creative member of Online Parent Support did.

She played the audio version of the eBook (on CD) in the car whenever she and her resistant husband drove somewhere together. He was a captive audience and either had to wear ear plugs or listen to the material (he reluctantly choose to listen). Sneaky, huh?

Did he immediately "jump on board"? No. But after listening to the CDs several times in the car alongside his wife, he did begin to adopt some of the really important ingredients that ultimately made mom's job much much easier.

Do yourself a BIG favor and get the CDs. They're only 17 bucks. If your husband refuses to listen to them -- or listens to them but does NOT find them helpful, simply send them back and I'll write you a check for a refund. You've got nothing to lose here.

==> ORDER THE CDs HERE

I've tried every form of punishment known to man...

{Email from brand new member of Online Parent Support:}

Mark,

Honestly my situation is in a hopeless state right now. I have 2 girls, E___, age 15, 10th grade and L___, age 15, 9th grade. I have full custody of E___ and she has lived with me for about 14 years. L___ is my stepdaughter from a 2-1/2 year marriage to my wife S___. E___ sees her real mom, D___, each week on Thurs and every other weekend. The relationship is currently good between D___ and S___ and myself. We try to work together for E___ as best we can.

I've always had issues with controlling E___'s attitude, anger and hostility towards me. I think I've tried every form of punishment known to man to no avail. One example of an episode occurred last night. I asked E___ to be off the computer by a certain time and gave her 10 min to do it. That time elapsed and she was still on. I went and asked again for her to get off and she huffed and said sternly, "OK, OK." I stood there waiting and noticed this was making her more agitated. I walked away for a minute or two and returned to see her still on Facebook. I then asked, "Why are you still on? I gave you plenty of notice..." She blurts out, "Aaaaggh, I'm getting OFF! Leave me alone." Keep in mind this was at the request of my wife, who wanted to get to bed earlier that night and the bed she sleeps on is in the same room as the computer. She had passed by and was aware of the conflict going on but did not join in.

E___ finally gets off, 15 min past the time I had asked her to. She storms off to her room. I asked her for her schedule book while she was on the way, as I needed it for some summer dates. She goes to her room upstairs and then flings it down the stairs. L___ is in the room and witnessed this. I had enough of this behavior and went up the stairs to talk with E___.

S___ is of the opinion that as long as I allow her to talk to me and act the way she does, it will continue. She thinks I need to be more strict. As I've mentioned before, talking, reasoning, punishment do not work, but yet I keep trying if only for S___'s approval. E___'s outbursts happen about every two weeks. She is rather moody most of the time.

I go in E___'s room and am immediately unwanted there. "GET OUT!!” she yells. I just wanted to calm her down and talk. She kept yelling and running around the room. " I DON"T WANT YOU IN HERE!!” I said, "Lower your voice, calm down and sit for a minute." "NO, GET OUT" The yelling and tantrum started. I said, "All right, the computer is off limits to you for two days." She yells, "GET OUT!" I say, "OK two weeks." This made things worse and I left.

E___ had just gotten off being grounded for about two months for a combination of poor grades, lying, breaking grounding rules, and talking back.

I go back downstairs and S___ and L___ are distraught, huddled up on our bed. I apologize for what had happened. L___ went to bed and S___ and I talked for a bit before she went to sleep. She doesn't have any hope of it getting any better. Her relationship with E___ is distant and this is not healthy. L___'s is the same. I don't think they are willing to go any further as far as trying to build that relationship.

We have been seeing a counselor as a group and individually for the past few months. He has been a great help, however S___ is becoming less willing to attend. He has requested only the two of us for upcoming sessions because he wants to try and start again building our commitment.

There are many other factors involved in this situation, but this is what I'm burdened with at the moment.

Thanks for any help you can give.

E.D.

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Hi E.,

I think what I would like to do at this point (since you are just now starting to use the strategies outlined in the eBook) is to give you some time to digest the material. Most, if not all, of the problems you're currently experiencing will be covered in the eBook.

Be sure to listen to ALL the audio files as well. If you don't have time to sit at your computer to do this, you can get audio CDs and listen in your car ==> Audio CDs.

In a few weeks, please email me with some very specific questions, and we will tweak these strategies according to your specific parent-child problems.

Stay in touch,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She is dealing with extreme aggression...

Hello Mark,

I want to thank you for your program. It has been very helpful. I work as Parent-Child Advocate in a Crisis Center here in _____, Texas and I am a new mother of a 10-month-old little girl.

Your book covers a multitude of topics and I trust that by putting the concepts into practice we will see significant improvements. Do you have any special suggestions for single moms who have been victims of domestic violence with 7 or more children who are also victims of domestic violence and are all very angry and out of control?

It is difficult for the moms to give each child individual attention, and they many times resort to "blanketed punishments" that also punish the children who are not acting out at the time... the child who acts up the most ends up getting the attention, and even if the mom tries to actively ignore the child(ren) who are acting out and continue paying attention to those who are not, the child's behavior escalates to the point of disrupting and hurting all of the other children and "punishing" those who are not acting out, and then those children also begin acting out, and so on.

Many times the child(ren)'s relationship with mom is very damaged because she has not been able to meet their needs because of her own problems... they do not trust her; they do not respect her... She wants to change and is seeking help but does not know where to start because she is dealing extreme aggression and she has so many to deal with.

Thanks again for everything. Your program is excellent!

J.S.

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Hi J.,

You have multiple issues here …I wish I had time to address them all:

1. Mother is a victim of domestic violence
2. Children who are victims of domestic violence
3. Childhood anger management issues
4. Single mothers parenting a large family
5. Lack of parenting skills
6. Parent-child trust/bonding issues
7. Mother’s personal problems

Re: Do you have any special suggestions for single moms who have been victims of domestic violence with 7 or more children who are also victims of domestic violence and are all very angry and out of control?

Survivors of domestic violence recount stories of put-downs, public humiliation, name-calling, mind games and manipulations by the abuser. Psychological scars left by emotional and verbal abuse are often more difficult to recover from than physical injuries. They often have lasting effects even after the relationship has ended. The survivor’s self-esteem is trampled in the course of being told repeatedly that she is worthless, stupid, untrustworthy, ugly or despised.

The American Psychiatric Association has identified a specific type of mental distress common to survivors of trauma called posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD. Common reactions to trauma include:

· Fear and anxiety — While normal responses to dangerous situations, fear and anxiety can become a permanent emotional state without professional help. Memories of the trauma can trigger intense anxiety and immobilize the survivor. Children may express their fears by becoming hyperactive, aggressive, develop phobias or revert to infantile behavior.

· Nightmares and flashbacks — Because the trauma is so shocking and different from normal everyday experiences, the mind cannot rid itself of unwanted and intrusive thoughts and images. Nightmares are especially common in children.

· Being in “danger mode” — Jitteriness, being easily startled or distracted, concentration problems, impatience and irritability are all common to being in a “heightened state of alert” and are part of one’s survival instinct. Children’s reactions tend to be expressed physically because they are less able to verbalize their feelings.

· Guilt, shame and blame — Survivors often blame themselves for allowing the abuse to occur and continue for as long as it did. Survivors feel guilty for allowing their children to be victimized. Sometimes others blame the survivors for allowing themselves to be victims. These emotions increase the survivor’s negative self-image and distrustful view of the world.

· Grief and depression — Feelings of loss, sadness and hopelessness are signs of depression. Crying spells, social withdrawal and suicidal thoughts are common when grieving over the loss and disappointment of a disastrous relationship.

To recover from domestic violence, the mother must stop blaming herself for what has happened, reconnect with people in order to build a support network, learn how to understand and express herself (with your help Jennifer), join a survivors’ support group (if you have one), and develop anger management skills so she does not repeat the cycle of abuse toward her children.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

How about a Big Sister?

My daughter has been on home detention/ISP for one month now and is going to continue for another/she was doing fairly well and cooperating, but now i think reality is setting in that she needs to drop old friends and will not be allowed back to school unless she passes the online charter school classes to the 9th grade-she has flunked 8th because of truancy and running away and got into a fight using a folding knife to pack her fist, it scratched the girl on the head.

We live 16 miles out of town so she is very secluded and coming around back to her old self (i have been using your book also, and it really works!) However i think we're moving into a depression issue over non-socialization out here …and her and i being together all the time, working on homework, chores, playing some games, exercising outdoors.

What could i look into out there, we do not belong to any church anymore as all the goody goodys and bullys seem to be there and the adults were only interested in building the new church and raising money all the time. That was when she was about 5 or 6. Thank you for your time.

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In similar situations with my adolescent clients, I hook them up with a Big Brother or Big Sister. So, you may want to consider going to your nearest BB/BS Organization and see about procuring a mentor for your daughter

Research confirms what previously we had known only anecdotally or intuitively. That is, that mentoring works. A recent Research Brief found that youth who participate in mentoring relationships experience a number of positive benefits.

In terms of educational achievement, mentored youth have better attendance; a better chance of going on to higher education; and better attitudes towards school.

In terms of health and safety, mentoring appears to help prevent substance abuse and reduce some negative youth behaviors.

On the social and emotional development front, taking part in mentoring promotes positive social attitudes and relationships.

Mentored youth tend to trust their parents more and communicate better with them.

They also feel they get more emotional support from their friends than do youth who are not mentored.

Here are a few stats. Youth involved in the Big Brothers Big Sisters programs are:

· 46% less likely to use illegal drugs
· 27% less likely to begin using alcohol
· 52% less likely to skip school
· more confident of their performance in school
· one-third less likely to hit someone, and
· more trusting of their parents/guardians

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Daughter Problems

Grades started declining at the end of her 9th grade year. They got worse during her sophomore year. These 2 years she was always at practice a ballgame or home. We had no problems with her not doing what she should be doing.

We did constantly stay on her about her grades. She said she should not be in advances classes and that she felt stupid. She said it was just hard for her to understand. She told me not to put her into advanced classes since the 8th grade, however she was a straight ‘A’ student in middle school. She was a competitive gymnast and in the gym 20 hours a week and a straight A student.

She has always been difficult at home. She has always had meltdowns and I could tell you when she was going to have one and when just under the circumstances. They never happened at school. She has always just had one friend at a time. She is not a drama queen. She takes things very literally and if she is threatened, you had better follow through with the threat or it is all she wrote.

The angrier she got, she started skipping school. This was not until 11th grade. Around October she had a new friend that was trouble and I just stayed in contact with her mother and that soon ended. Her anger got worse and I threatened to call the police and she called them on herself. She had torn up the house, bitten her Dad, and pushed me numerous times. She was put in jail overnight and released to us on house arrest until her sentencing. Her chargers were perched and put into family court under a status offence. Her court conditions, were no violence, attend school, stay in counseling. While on house arrest she was not allowed to cheer. She quit.

In the mean time I had her evaluated by an outside source (this was in October or November) that said she had scotopic sensitivity and a learning disability. She was under evaluations at the high school for special education. After the night in jail she went to school for a week then has refused since. However the county school administration has been working with me on evaluations and Plato (computer school) and just whatever we think might work. They have not given her special education because they cannot get behavior evaluations because she will not attend school. I got her home bound.

In the mean time the school system (the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing) turned her in for truancy. We, the administration and myself had taken her out of the regular classroom. Her social worker was kept abreast of all that was happening. We had made some progress on behavior. We go to court and the judge is mad because we are already in the system and give us back to the other Judge. Fayette County schools wanted to dismiss the truancy charges but could not do after it was already on the docket. So now we have to go to court early for our other problem with the truancy issue and we are home bound. I think Fayette County will write a letter to the judge.

But we are still having problems with her as for as behavior. I think she is just getting lower and lower self-esteem and stating to medicate herself. She did test positive for low amounts of pot and then tested clean. I think she will test positive for pot again this Wednesday if they test her.

She had separation anxiety when she was little until she was around 7 years old. All of her teachers gave her rave reviews, and said she was extremely shy. Even her high school teachers the most recent said she was very good in class. She just did not do her work or hand it in and was absent quit a bit. She was always anxiety ridden over homework or projects. She always needed a lot of guidance. I talked to her sixth grade teacher the other day because I subbed for her and I asked her if M___ was as shy as this little girl in her class that I used to teach gymnastics to and she said oh on M___ was much shyer. I said how can you be shyer that, and she said that if M--- was called on and did not know the answer she even got shyer. She had to be perfect.

She never missed a cheerleading practice even if she was ineligible due to grades. Grades are what we fought about and what started most of the arguments.

She talks real loud and you just want to cringe when she opens her mouth. This is just with family and those that are close.

She is beautiful and athletic. Every therapist, police officer, or anyone she meets says she just does not fit the mold that we are used to seeing.

She was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD by a Psychiatrist that the school sent her to. I was going to stay with them but they did not take our insurance. I tried to get the school to take care of a short treatment time with him but they would not. They just paid for the initial diagnosis.

She is the 2nd child of 4. I have 4 kids aged 13 thru 18. Yes they are close in age. M___ (girl) 8-8-88, M___ (girl) 4-22-90. T___ (boy) 8-26-92, T___ (girl) 5-6-94.

They are all very athletic. They have all done well in school. T___ is a baseball player with a probable future in Baseball we have been told. We did the right things growing up as far as time spent, reading, fun etc.....

We were not perfect, but we are a family that cares.

Help!!!!!!

T.G.

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Hi T.,

I know you’re in a state of desperation right now …and I’m sure you could use a “magic bullet.” But let me tell you that “change” is going to take some time.
When any of my adolescent clients experience school difficulties similar to your daughter, we pull them out of regular school and plug them into alternative school, or they simply work on their GED.

I wish I had gotten to you earlier. I can see that poor academic performance was a major source of parent-child conflict. And as you read in my eBook, I have a specific recommendation in this case – a recommendation that would have spared you and her a lot of agony (plus her grades probably would have come up a bit).

In any event, just continue to learn and implement the strategies in the eBook -- and for God’s sake, plug her into some form of education other than regular school.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I just want to know if there is hope...

>>>>>>>>>> Hi J. …I’ve responded where you see these arrows.

My son recently got suspended from school and is going back on Tuesday after 9 days. They are not going to put him in the general population because "in anger" he said to a friend "I could find her house and rape her if I wanted to." He is 13 and really had no idea what that meant but heard it on America's Most Wanted so he figured saying that would get her to stay away from him. This of course happened right after the VT shooting so that didn't help matters.

Luckily, I had just changed him from an LD IEP to and ED IEP to address his ODD and severe depressive disorder and social communication disorder that was diagnosed by his psychiatrist. They opted to not expel him but we got him into intensive individual counseling right away so we can maybe head off any other incidents.

>>>>>>>>>> Counseling is a traditional parenting strategy, which will have little or no benefit.

This is the first time he did something like this in school, so my husband and I have been wondering if this is a reaction to hearing the IEP accommodations listed out for him and then unconsciously testing his boundaries? We are also concerned that his obsession with girls (which is natural for most 13 y.o. but extreme in him) is going to get him in further trouble because he just does not understand social quos or personal and verbal boundaries when it comes to peers. He has only been openly defiant with a teacher once and that happened two weeks before this incident.

I am venting as you can probably tell. I just want to know if there is hope that with continued medical and psychological intervention we can turn this kid around, or is this a sign that his behavior is only going to get worse?

>>>>>>>>>> It will get worse if you don’t hunker down and implement the strategies in the eBook. If you are diligent with these strategies, his behavior is likely to improve.

He is on meds and for the most part does well at home but anytime there is a significant shift in the family dynamic, such as my husband and I going on vacation for 5 days without the kids or my older son getting a job and a car, we have a significant outburst with him.

I forgot to say that he got suspended from the bus for a belligerent comment, in the bus driver’s presence, in February the day before we left on our first vacation alone in 3 years. Has he just become a master at manipulating his environment to focus the attention on him or is he incapable of doing this on purpose?

>>>>>>>>>>> Yes …he is doing this on purpose – to get your intensity (I talk about ‘intensity-seeking’ a lot in the eBook).

Do we forgive some of this because he truly can't help it or do we just continue to be persistent with the discipline, consequences, and choosing our battles, then just hope and pray we win the war without losing our minds?

>>>>>>>>>> Be persistent. He’s not going to work for what YOU want, but he’ll work for what HE wants (this too is covered heavily in the eBook).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com