ONLINE PARENTING COACH

If you would finally like to: 1. Have some peace in your house again (remember what that was like?) 2. Not argue every minute of every day with your kid 3. Feel that what you do for him/her is actually appreciated 4. Stop the disrespect and verbal abuse 5. Know how to deal with problems such as disrespect, lying, stealing, truancy, and drug abuse without having to call the police to have your kid locked-up (if this hasn’t happened already!) ...then this might be the most important website you’ll ever visit: www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

"The main problem I have with my son Ryan is his behaviour in school, from all accounts, is disruptive in class, has got into fights in school, has been suspended on a number of occasions for smoking, being very argumentative with teachers, skipping off school, porn mags …turns up to school with no books, no homework. When we sit down to talk about these things, he sits in front of me and either cry's or just says "I don't know" or there's a big story that the teacher was all wrong or it was some one else and no one believes him. I have punished him e.g.: grounded him, taken his cell for weeks on end, Ryan has always been giddy and is very easily detracted, I feel at times he just doesn't know how to change things around at school and they are so sick of him they have given up. At 15 he is 6 f 6". Lets on he is full of confidence, but at home he is kind, affectionate, very witty and would do anything for you, he has a part time job workin...

Dear Mr. Hutten, I am writing to ask for some advise. I should also mention that i visit your site regularly and think it is great. My daughter is 14 and has ADD, which encompasses a lot of challenges in itself. My biggest problem with her is her lack of interest in school work, goals or motivation. It's a struggle just to get her up and going every day, and even though i succeed most times, she doesn't do anything in school except socialize and roam around. She will not study, always says she doesn't have any homework until the last minute sometimes and then expects me to race around getting her supplies or letting her use the computer to throw her project together. I have tried grounding her but she doesn’t seem to care...we live a few miles out of town so she doesn't get to go many places anyway. I don’t let her use the computer very much to try and make her earn its use, and i don’t give her an allowance because she rarely does what's expected of her in ...

I purchased your online book: My out of control teen. My 14 yr old son has ADHD, ODD, has terrible tantrums, but mostly with his stepfather. He physically hits him. It doesn't hurt him as he is 300 lbs & my son is 105 lbs but we are becoming concerned with the violence. When his stepdad tries to restrain him he yells quite loudly "ow, you're hurting me" so everyone in public will hear. He has yet to physically harm me, but his stepdad has told him bad things will happen if he hurts me. His father also has an anger problem (verbal), but he seldom seem\s him, but that doesn’t mean the past hasn’t rubbed off on him. I have been divorced from his father for 7 yrs. We do have him in counseling right now for his anger, but it doesn't seem to be helping. He is also adopted so I don’t know much about his past, but his Dr’s all seem to think he was probably a drug or alcohol baby. He is getting into a lot of trouble at school, but mostly for acting out verbally. His gr...

Hi, We are facing some challenging times ahead and I would like some advice on how to handle this with our 16 year old son. We moved to the town we are in now in the U.S. about 2.5 years ago from Canada. At the time our son had just started Grade 9. We had some rough times with him refusing to do school work, not caring about school and just being very angry. Things had just turned around with him recently when his Dad's company decided to close down without much warning. His Dad won't have any trouble finding a new job but we likely will need to move again. As you can imagine, this prospect is not going over well with our son. He is saying he wants to stay here to finish high school. Unfortunately with his past academic efforts or lack of them, he isn't doing great at school. He is in his Junior year but he is a few credits shy of graduating on schedule as he has failed a couple of semesters in 2 courses. Also, he does not have a job and he isn't driving. How do w...

Hi Mark, We're working hard on improving things with our son. Success is in small steps but there is definitely improvement. Thanks for your help and for talking with us on the phone several weeks ago. I see from some of your comments on the blog that I have just had access to the written book, not to the audio book, which seems to have more information in it. How do I access it? I've downloaded the link that says online book and audio book, but still don't see the audio. Do I have to pay something extra for this? Thanks, J. --------------------------------- No ...you don't have to pay extra. 1. Go to www.myoutofcontrolteen.com 2. Click on "Online Version" 3. Save to desktop 4. Open the ebook using your password …then on each page of the Online Version you should see 3 buttons (one is a play button, one is a stop button, and one is a pause button). The "live"audio recording of the parenting-workshop (195 minutes total time) is divided into 2 - 5 minu...

Mark, Thank you for your time. I very much appreciate your offer of a phone call. I'm actually in England so I'd have to check the charges to phone you in the States. It might be better to have an online chat. I feel a bit talked out today as we've spent the last week talking very intensely- myself and my wife- a couple of very difficult sessions with my daughter in the aftermath of her stealing all the money on the debit card. I've also talked to a few people on helplines and even a clinician from an organisation called Youngminds. It starts to get very tangled up when you go over and over the same things. I was beginning to think that things had calmed down -less arguments-she is either up in her room or out with her friends. She was disturbing our sleep every night by coming in late and of course then she'd stay in bed very late or be at work so we wouldn't see her but at least the rows had largely stopped but largely because we had stopped talking. And t...

Mark, If we put my daughter who will be 19, on her own separate auto insurance and put the title of the car in her name, are we still liable for any accidents and injuries she may cause? She will be going to college, living at home, so we are completely supporting her financially and claiming her as a dependent. We live in Ohio. She has had a few incidents with the car and we don't want to be liable for anything that may happen in the future. We don't want our insurance to be dropped as well as our umbrella policy. Any help? Thanks, ____________________________ Re: "... are we still liable for any accidents and injuries she may cause? " Generally no. In case of an accident, the owner of a car can normally be held liable up to the statutory maximum for damages caused by the car. You, as a third party, would not be liable unless the other party (i.e., whoever suffered damage due to your daughter's accident) could prove some sort of negligence on your part ...

Mark, I really appreciate your help. I do want to ask you though about "resentment flu". Unfortunately, I have it myself. It is hard when I love my kids, but I also feel so angry and so terribly hurt by what has been happening. I pray to my higher power for guidance very often - it does help. Do you have any suggestions for my "resentment flu"? My feelings tend to show too well on my face, and because my children know me so well, I am sure they can tell. My hurt feelings are probably the reason my children continue to do some acting up - they probably want to hurt me. Any suggestions on how I can assume a better "poker face"? Thanks again! L. __________________ Hi L., To resolve “resentment flu,” we must forgive. This is discussed in the ebook (in the chapter “How To Let Go” – online version). It’s going to be very hard to maintain your good poker face if you have ‘unresolved anger’ (i.e., resentment) toward your kids. Please review -- and practice...

Hi P., I've responded in several places below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>> I've read through [the ebook] and need to make these comments. In the contents to the online version it mentions different assignments, but these don't seem to be in the printable version. >>>>>>>>>> Actually, the assignments ARE in both the printable version and online version. On my printable copy, I see the following: Assignment #1 - page 23 Assignment #2 - page 29 Assignment #3 - page 36 Assignment #4 - page 41 ...this could be slightly different on your copy, but only by a page or two. I have attempted to use assertive parenting as much as possible in the way that you describe. I am a teacher working with disturbed and damaged children and we use many of the strategies you mention, so I am familiar with the ideas. However, my daughter doesn't respond to what we do and rarely speaks to me, usually walking out of ...

Mark, Right now you are the only one who might have any idea of what I am going through. I wish I knew what to ask you. I guess one of my first questions to you would be: How much contact should I have with my kids? Their grandmother said I could call or stop over whenever I wanted. I told her I would rather let my children call me when they wanted, and I would like to come see them if they asked her if I could come over. She said that they do not usually tell her what they want, so I should probably make the first move towards contacting them. I have been emailing them, but that is it so far except for calling their grandmother twice to see how they were doing. If I contact them first, will it make the situation worse? If I wait for them, will they think that I don't miss them? I might be their Mom, but I feel like no matter what I do, it will be wrong in their eyes. Do you have any suggestions? L. ----------- Hi Laura, I agree with their grandmother. You will have to be t...

Hello Mr. Hutten, I found your statement about going with the flow when writing these newsletters interesting in light of the previous topic on Adolescent Sex Offenders. I have to ask, are the parents coming to you with questions because their children are the offender or questions because their child has been a victim?? I have a little experience with this and am curious what percentage of parents are out there who's children have sexually offended and they feel paralyzed by their inability to talk to anyone about their experience because this topic is just not socially acceptable. I think the parents are often viewed to be just as bad as the child who offended. I feel that not all cases are worthy of litigation but certainly all offenses are worthy of mandatory counseling for the offender. What are your thoughts and would you consider this parent support group a safe place for those parents to share their experiences, to learn from, and also to help others? Sincerely, J. -----...

Being a single mother (of 3 all together) with a part-time income and struggling with my work-schedule and counseling appointments, behavior specialists, case workers, COURT (14-yr old gets into legal trouble), everyday household tasks/duties, a 10 yr old daughter who is active in Girl Scouts and school activities, AND dealing with major disrespect from BOTH boys....has driven me to do some research online. And pretty much it's all the same BS. Don't get me wrong; the info I am finding is (somewhat) helpful and websites are always chock full of great information; but so were my therapists/counselors- however, VERY VERY discouraging for single parents like myself, because I DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY FOR THE 'HELP' I NEED. I am lucky to even have 20 bucks for gas in my car a week! And people dangle the fact that THEY have the ANSWER to these kinds of PROBLEMS and put on flashy lights and great advertisements...but overall, it is to make a quick buck with no regards to ...

I am highly delighted over my admission as a member of online parent support. I truly pledge to utilize this admission to the fullest advantage. I shall always bring to your knowledge issue, questions and matters bordering my family. Presently, I have a family of seven comprising wife, four boys, a girl, and myself. The five kids are all in school. The family runs a small sized paint-processing factory, the proceeds of which sustained the family and catered for the education of the kids. Unfortunately, due to the absence of public power supply in our area since January 2006, the business has grounded. Due to the high cost of generating sets, it has not been possible to resuscitate the factory. Equally, there is a great lull in other ventures as a result of this energy problem. Consequently, the education of the kids is seriously hampered, as the family now finds it difficult to cope with the high cost of education in Nigeria. Because of this precarious development, my first so...

Mark, ok thank you, If you recall I was the parent that sent in a blog about breaking up a party that my son was at (Saint Patrick’s night). The parents that were away are friends of mine thru little league coaching. Their daughter had some kids over for a get together after DECA practice. Her parents were at their ski lodge in Maine. According to their daughter the kids just started showing up. Today’s technology with phones and text messages is to blame for that nowadays. Anyway I broke the party up with the owner of the house on the phone. My main concern was that the drinking did not mix with the driving. Once I announced myself all the kids scattered. To make a long story short my kid is very mad at me and totally disrespects our authority and hates what I did. After the weekend and one school day my son started talking w/ my wife and said I did this and that at the party broke up making my wife drift towards believing my son which was totally out of context. I had such a respons...

Ryan has suffered with bad acne. We have taken him to 2 different doctors. He has yet to truly follow the regime of either so needless to say he has not seen improvements. I KNOW this impacts his mood. We have a follow up scheduled for May 4th. >>>>>>>>>>Here's some info for you on the subject: ACNE 1. Do I let him continue to suffer the "natural consequences" of not following docs orders? >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yes 2. Do I take him for his follow up visit and let the doctor tell him? This seems like the typical over indulgent. I keep paying for docs and medicine and he does not take it and then blames the doctor? >>>>>>>>>> No 3. Continue to remind him (although as gently as I try to do it he perceives it to be nagging? >>>>>>>>>>>>> No >>>>>> Whose problem is it ...yours or your son's? The more responsibility you tak...

WOW!! You rock! This is EXACTLY the type of help I was looking for. Now let me know how this all works! 1. This is what we can get as part of the online parent support? >>>>>>>>>> Yes 2. Is there a limit to how much/how often? >>>>>>>>>>> No If I have questions every few days in the beginning would this be included? >>>>>>>>>> Yes 3. IF we wanted to do weekly or bi-weekly personal coaching via the phone, do you offer this? >>>>>>>>>>> I’m willing to do periodic phone-consults (i.e., once every month or two). I have to set some limits on my time due to the sheer volume of Online Parent Support members that email and/or call. How much? >>>>>>>>> Free for members of Online Parent Support. How can we get started? >>>>>>>>>>> The best way to do a phone consult would be to call the Toll Free number [856-...

Hi Mark I was just looking at the safe internet use email and safe surfing guide. I am very concerned about my 15 year old daughter: she is fiercely secretive about her use of the internet - I think mostly instant messenger, Bebo and My space. She refuses to let me see her profile and the type of messages she receives and sends. I have been able to see her provocative pictures and language without her knowing. Her contacts are boasting about trying pot. I want to talk about the dangers of her image openly but I will loose trust if she finds out I have been snooping. She always flicks off if I open the door. She says she understands the dangers and is using the internet safely. She says I am overprotective and do not trust her. This has coincided with her change of attitude to authority - teachers etc and caring less about the quality of her homework, keeping appointments and handing work in on time. She wants more freedom, fun and social time and has a closed, secretive, rebellious a...

Hi A. …I’ve responded below. Look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>> I just found your website and ordered your e-materials and have just read some of your great stuff. It makes sense. We have struggled with my oldest who is now 15 ...almost 16 his entire life! We have 3 children. We both work full time. I own my own business and work from home but travel often. I would guess that all 5 of us are ADD ...so structure and consistency have always been and continues to be a real struggle. We both grew up with nothing and have very obviously been the over indulging parents. As I read this I feel good that we have done some things right. We try (despite incredibly busy schedules) to have dinner as a family of 5 at LEAST 5-6 nights a week. We try to attend Church together at least 2 times/month. They are all doing ok in school. My youngest does GREAT! They are all involved in organized sports and school sports and have all done fairly well. We have r...

Hi Mark. My son has been staying at his Dad's for a week and a half now with no contact at all. Suddenly, today, he left me a phone message threatening to slit my throat because he fucking hates me. He also called me a fucking C---!!! Is it time to call the police? This was totally unprovoked unless he heard something from one of his friends. Everyone knows I'm concerned with drugs. Help!! T. -------------- I would definitely file a complaint. If you can get an officer to the house so he can hear the message -- that would be even better. If someone you knew (other than your son) called you and threatened to set your house on fire, would you take that seriously? ...I'm guessing you would. I don't see this threat from your son as any different. Err on the side of safety (plus you will be showing your son that threats of physical harm have legal consequences). Be safe, Mark www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Hi Mark, Thank you for your email, I am a single mum with two daughters aged 9 and 11 (nearly 12). They spend every second weekend with their father and he treats them well but he refuses to communicate with me in any way whatsoever which can cause problems obviously. I have a very good relationship with both of them but the eldest in particular has always been very strong willed and often appears very angry. It is difficult to get her to identify her anger and sometimes it can get out of control. They have had a particularly difficult time over the last year or two with the break up. It was a particularly traumatic breakup and they witnessed some truly awful stuff when their father was trying to get me to move out of the house by intimidation and other methods for which there is now a police prosecution pending. Eventually he was made to leave the home by the courts. As part of my 'parenting schedule' I take each of them out individually once a month for some ‘one-on-one’ ...

Hi P., >>>>>>>>>>> I’ve responded throughout your text below: Hello--I did post in the parent forum, but no one has responded, but I will keep reading all the posts, for I am sure they will be beneficial. >>>>>>>>>>> I'm glad you brought this up! Parent Forum is where parents respond to one another; however, most posts do not get a response. I wish members of Online Parent Support would spend more time in Parent Forum and respond/support each other. Note: Posts have to go through a review process by staff before they are posted (usually takes 24 hours). >>>>>>>>> Emailing, as you did, is the best way to get a response from me. I post these emails (without individual’s names of course) in the Online Parent Support blog (blog name is ‘Emails From Parents’). However, I tend not to respond to very general questions such as “How do I get my child to behave” …or “How can I teach my child to sh...

Radiation Penetration in a 13-year-old Brain on Drugs? NO! This is a picture of your kid's brain while he talks on his cell phone! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi Mark, I recently registered for your site- I wondered what you might have in the way of advice regarding the following: MIXIT has become the in-thing in this country- kids are using it more and more and some becoming addicted as in 6 hours a day and into the night. Parents needing their kids to have mobile phones in terms of arrangements are finding it extremely difficult to control as it is dirt cheap, easy to access and being used by all their friends as a mobile chat room. I’d appreciate your opinion or any articles relating to this. Kind regards, J. __________________ Hi J., MXit is a mobile instant messenger application developed in South Africa that runs on GPRS\3G mobile phones with java support that allows you to communicate with oth...

My 15 yr old son has become such a punk and is very lazy. He went through his teacher’s desk and was told on by his classmates. He only admitted to sitting at her desk and is now being placed in a different class due to loss of trust from her. She is a great teacher too. Since he doesn't respect her privacy, I think his privacy should also be compromised. I'd like to take the door off his room. Any thoughts? -------- I think this punishment fits the crime ...good thinkin' (only for 3 days though). Mark www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Mark, This may sound like a ridiculous question ...but why don't we, as parents, just KNOW how to parent our children the right way. Why don't we just know it!!! Why does it seem that we HAVE to get outside help with our kids nowadays (otherwise all hell breaks lose). ~ K. ____________________ Hi K., All parents are experts in 'HOW' their child behaves. But few, if any, are experts in 'WHY' their child behaves the way she/he does. And if the parent doesn't know the 'WHY' part, she will beat her head against a brick wall for years without finding a solution to the behavior problems. Kids are extremely complex creatures-- especially when they suffer with ADHD, ODD, CD, etc. How could anyone be expected to know how to parent these individuals. If I pulled the automatic transmission from my car and placed it on a table in front of you, would you just "KNOW" how to fix it. Of course not. The idea is absurd. Parenting kids with emotional/beha...

Mark, In the Emails From Parents ("This Mom Has A Backbone"), you used the word "terminate." Could you elaborate on what you mean exactly by this term? Surely you're not telling us to abandon our kids. J.D. ______________ When you "terminate the relationship," you're not saying to your child, "Hey ...I don't love you anymore, and I never want to see you again." Rather, you are sending a clear, verbal message that "as long as you choose to use abusive language and threats, I choose not to be around you." You could include the comment, "whenever you decide to stop using abusive language and threats, I'd love to spend time with you" (tough love that, in many cases, is equally tough for the parent). In those cases where the child does not have the luxury of going to live with the other parent, you have to adopt a different approach obviously (which is discussed in the ebook). I hope this clarifies, Mark www.MyOutO...

Hi Mark, I have read quite a bit of your ebook now. I am finding controlling my anger a problem. I have not found my poker face yet. I do have a question for you though. My son goes to his fathers for dinner every Tuesday night and every other weekend. How do I enforce the discipline? My son did not earn this past weekends wrestling tournament and was told he could not go, his father took him anyway. So now my son is acting like he got away with something. And I feel like what I say doesn't matter. I except that I cannot control my son's reaction. But, how do I control his father’s actions or reactions? My son has 2 mom's and 2 dad's and none of us get along very well because we have different idea's of what's best for our son. --------- Hi A-M., If he has 2 moms and 2 dads, then you only get 25% of the say-so -- not good odds. In any event, I would recommend that, if possible, the 4 parents get together and come up with some type of parenting plan that everyone...

Hey Mark~ J's school counselor recommended a part time job. Thought it necessary since he will be 17 on Apr 28 (more important than a sport). I thought track would be a better idea- get him social and active- and he could pick up a job in the summer. J refuses to do either. He is taking Drivers Ed. but has no motivation to drive or go anywhere (child of indulgent parent). How do I handle this? Thanx- L. --------- I think this falls into the 'pick your battles carefully' category. Here's my 2 cents: If he doesn't want to work -- fine. But he should do chores around the house to earn money. If he doesn't want to do track -- no problem. If he wants to be a homebody -- that's o.k. Your son is going to be a late bloomer ...I can see that now. I wouldn't spend time or energy fighting these battles, Mark p.s. Don't go lookin' for trouble. www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I have a 17 year old daughter who has been diagnoses with severe ADHD, anxiety and border-line bi-polar. These past six months have been terrible. She's hanging out with terrible kids, she quit school, she hates her family and as her mom, I have tried several drugs, including Strattera, which she just started, and she is miserable. Anyone with authority, including family, teachers, anyone, she does not tolerate. I'm trying to get her tutored so she can graduate, she thinks it's no big deal, feels entitled to get her car back on the road, get a new cell phone, etc. I'm at my wit's end, I don't know what to do with her, she threatens to move out daily, she is not even 18 (in a few weeks), she's a know-it-all and I cannot reason with this child at all, she is illogical and will not listen and everyone is making her life miserable and nothing is her fault. www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Thank you Mark! I am having some issues right now with my 16 yr old daughter, D_____. I may give you a call today. I am a single mother. Her father lives across the state in Memphis and is uninvolved. She is really a good kid with moments of complete stupidity. She is extremely intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful. She has been on the high school dance team for 3 years now. She takes honors and ap classes, although she has struggled all year. Self-discipline and motivation seem to be her obstacles. She is not a child that I would call blatantly rebellious. It's almost like she does well for a while and then seems to fall back into self-sabotage. She then moves on and is good for a while and then trouble. It seems to be a vicious cycle. Here are some of the issues that we've dealt with over the past 3 years: - Underage drinking (huge problem with most of the kids around here). This seems to be improving though. - Lying (consistent pattern) - Sneaking out ...

I want to thank you for the email advice and the chance to review material that has helped us. I have to admit we haven't gone step-by-step through the plan; however, just reading and taking different paths during problematic times along with knowing I have support has been so much help. In addition to the material, we do have our son in counseling -- not sure what the outcome will be; but a step we had to take rather than not to and wonder if it could have helped some. We did put our son on medication. My son has been in and out of dr. apts to the point of almost disappointment. However, after several med changes, we have found one that appears to help him. I know this is not a complete cure, I know he may grow immune to the regimen, but it has given us time to let our guard down at home and work with our son. I never wanted to put my son on anything that could hurt his system and didn't want to because of the many articles you read making a parent almost feel guilty i...

I am very much appreciating the support and book guidance. I have not seen anything yet that helps me deal with another issue, which is huge in our home. My son does smoke when he finds ways to obtain cigarettes. He's been suspended from school, off his basketball team for 3 weeks, but most of the time has not gotten "caught". I firmly believe this is just another means of producing a reaction in me. However, I am deathly allergic to cig smoke and my asthma has required intense treatment as he flaunts his cigs, blows smoke in my face and refuses to change his smoky clothes. I have had 3 bouts of pneumonia this winter, which has knocked me for a loop and I have had to limit our activities. Again I think he is attempting to maintain his control over me and he's doing a great job any suggestions? Thanks ========= Sorry mom. You're not going to like my advice, but here goes: You will not be able to stop him from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not ...

Dear Mr. Hutten, Thanks for getting back to me so promptly. I was able to find the email last night and printed out your book. I had just discovered that my 15-year-old daughter had been drinking again and I was able to handle the situation from a position of power. You advice really was helpful. My question is I have told my daughter she can have a birthday party for her boy and girl friends at our house. I have outlined the restrictions (no backpacks, parents must rsvp. once they come in, they can't go out, if anyone is found with alcohol or drugs I will call their parents to pick them up immediately, and my daughter will directly bear the responsibility for any inappropriate behavior. What advise can you give me so that she can have a fun but safe party and I can have peace about having her friends over. Thank you, D.L. Massachusetts __________ I think you on track …I don’t really have anything to add. As long as everybody knows what the ground rules are for the party, then just...

Mark, Thank you for your quick response. You are helping us so much. A couple more quick questions: 1. My daughter has always been a very picky eater and it seems to be getting worse. We eat dinner together at least a few nights a week. I serve healthy meals and keep pretty healthy stuff in our home. We make her have at least a bite of everything, but she would rather starve rather than eat something she doesn’t like. When she is around junk food, she goes crazy. She seems to be addicted to sugar. I know this is affecting her moods. Any suggestions? >>>>>>>>>> Junk food is a privilege, just like video games or money for a movie. She should EARN her junk food, and a good way to do this would be for her to eat some fruits and veggies (e.g., eat a salad = receive one serving of potato chips). 2. My daughter’s school notebooks are a huge disaster. All of her stuff is so disorganized. Somehow she manages to still get pretty good grades although they a...