ONLINE PARENTING COACH

My daughter is 13 years old. Her father and I are divorced, we are doing our best to co-parent but it is very difficult. She lives with her father. I miss my little girl! She is disrespectful to me and her father, uses vulgar language, she makes the "plans" for the weekend. When I tell her we are going to go do something she always says she can't because she has plans with her friends. I have lost all control of her and she runs the show. How can we, her parents, regain the respect? We want to be good parents but we have had that taken away from us by a 13 year old girl. Please contact me. Thank-You for your time, S.T. ``````````````` Hi S., I really want to do whatever will be in your best interest. Thus, the best advice I can give you at this point (since you just joined yesterday) is to simply work through the four-week program. Only do one session per week – nothing more! If we try to implement a bunch of new parenting changes too quickly, it will backfire. I’...

Hi Mark,  I wanted to get some final advice from you relative to my soon to be 18 year old son. Your website advise was great and the personality traits you explain have been dead on. I think we learned this a bit late in the game though.  We are at the point where it is highly unlikely that he will graduate. He continues to say he will be able to graduate but continues to go out with friends at night rather than focus on school. We have not planned for any grad events and I do admit to feeling guilty as this should be such a wonderful time of his life.  ==> MORE ...

PARENT: "Hi Mark-me again from Australia. I have a question about consequences. Anna has been particularly difficult of late and has received two consequences for disrespect and rudeness. I took her favourite toy away for 3 days and then her portable DVD player for 3 days. The rudeness has continued and after giving her another warning yesterday (she'd been telling me to shut-up when I was talking to her). I told her if she continued, she couldn't go and stay at her Nanna's for the weekend as had been planned. She became very upset (sobbing and yelling) and asked me to change the consequence but I said no. The problem I have is that I feel like her Nanna will miss out on seeing her and perhaps I should have thought of something else. My husband wasn't home and he is cross 'cause it's his mother! Can she earn back the right to go or do I have to carry this through? Thanks L." ````````````````````````````````  Great question.  Answer: You must carry th...

"We are at a loss as to what to do with our son. He refused to go to school in 8th grade. Too much to that story to even begin to tell. Now at the end of 10th grade he is doing the same thing. He is passing right now. He wants expensive things …says things like if you lease an expensive car I'll go to school. Embarrassed by us, we don't have enough money, big screen tv and such. We froze his cell phone and took away the computer hoping to motivate him. He said he was going to go to school tomorrow, but now that we did that … forget it. He says he hates us and is going to get a full time job and never go back to school. We explained there is not a big job market for newly 16 year old high school drop outs. Please help ASAP the last days of school are ticking away, with the first final tomorrow. The rest of the finals to start June 12. Thank You, S.N." `````````````````````` Hi S., Sometimes teens who were previously able to attend school regula...

Recently I became the recipient of a $720 phone bill, courtesy of my 15 year old daughter, A___. After confronting A___ about her phone usage I asked her to give me her phone. She refused and a short while later left the house, presumably to gather her wits. A short while later my wife noticed my car was missing. My daughter had taken my car! My daughter does not have a driver's permit or insurance. A short time later my daughter called us from her friend's house, about 5 miles away. She was safe, and so was the car. In the meantime we had called the police. We knew she had to face consequences for her actions. The police officer explained that we had several choices on how to proceed with a juvenile (after bringing her home): 1. Do nothing (leaving the consequences up to us as parents) 2. Write her tickets for Driving Without a License, Driving without Insurance, Car Theft, and Breech of Trust. I would have to pay those tickets. 3. Write her tickets and...

Mark, First of all, thank you for the phone conversation last week, regarding our son J___ coming home this Friday from "Juvie". One question I meant to ask you was, do we implement one session per week or all at once? My thought is there needs to be strong expectations (which we did do with him last week in person) right from the start. How would be the best way to do this? We have let him know how consequences will work. I am somewhat nervous or anxious about him coming home since it has been 4 months. Part of my anxiousness is that if he messes up and doesn't follow his conditions, there is no going to court and waiting - he would have a warrant and would go back immediately and then they would decide if he gets a second chance or serve out the rest of his time or more depending on what the breach of his condition is. (I know I need to separate myself somewhat emotionally and it’s hard.) We have told him our home cannot be the way it was before and he doesn...

"I've been following your program for a couple months, seeing steady improvement. But here are my problems we can't seem to get by ...my husband and I both work full time and there is about 3-4 hrs of time our 15 yo son is by himself, so if a grounding punishment is needed, how do we enforce it? Also do we punish for bad behavior at school when he is monitored already through the truancy system?" Click here for the answer...

My son lives with me in Illinois …he is 16 yrs old. His dad lives in Indiana. T__ sees his dad about 4 times per year, but talks regularly on the phone with him. T__ recently saw his dad and has become depressed about not seeing him often and admitted to drinking alcohol and smoking pot to relieve his anxiety about school tests and missing his dad. I made an appt. for a counselor, but in the meantime his dad called the parents of T__'s friends and told them that T__ and probably their children were also abusing drugs and alcohol. Now those parents want to know if T__ is a drug dealer and don't want T__ around their kids. My question is, was this a reasonable course of action to take? And if T__ says he will not drink or smoke until he is 21 yrs. old, should I believe him and monitor his behavior closely? ``````````````````` Hi G., Re: ...was this a reasonable course of action to take? Since T__ admitted to marijuana and alcohol abuse, I would say yes . Re: ...should I bel...

hi mark, i came across your info online and purchased the ebook. my question is this...do these same principles apply to a 4 year old (i am assuming yes, and they would ward off any potential poor parenting and child behavior as we grow/learn together)... And if so, then, here's my next question. after finishing session one and reviewing the assignments, i am confused as to what to do w/ the poker face and fair fighting strategies. What i understood was that i am to implement the poker face immediately and not respond (feed) his intensity seeking and look for times when he is behaving great and turn on the intensity then w/ praise. Also, the fair fighting...."when xyz....i have a problem w/...etc. - crime /pos reframe, problem solve together" - is that also to go into effect now? i did begin both this week (as soon as i read them) and now tonight i see only the "nurturing" assignments offered. Am i to do all the ones i stated above? Am i on the right tr...

Hi Mark, It's good to be online with parent support. We are currently working our way through Week#1 and there is a lot to digest. I have a question already-I work on a Fri in a hospital and I have to drop my daughter at school by 0800hrs (before-school care) or I'm late for work. I cannot get her up, dressed and fed without a huge fight and find it hard to keep a Poker Face on these Fri mornings. Any other morning when she refuses to co-operate I can leave it up to the school to enforce their "Late Consequences" but I cannot be late for work. Some mornings if I let her she wouldn't go to school at all... I can see how I've become part of the Dependency Cycle as I will offer to help her dress as it's so much quicker. Thanks, L. `````````````````````````` Hi L., You need to be firm with her. Don't count on the problem going away if you ignore it. However, don't be angry with her as her anxiety and distress are real. Yo...

Mark, J___ is being released from youth custody on May 30 (he's been gone for 4 months) into our custody for a 2 month community supervision order. I have read your e-book for the last 3 months probably reviewed it completely twice and reviewed certain sections a few times. Myself and my husband have listened to the CD's twice and keep on replaying them while we're driving. I am determined to do things differently when he comes home. We have made a detailed "Expectations and Respect" rules for our home that we went over with J___ this past Friday at the centre with a staff present. J___'s comment was its not really any different just clearer. I have said to J___ that I've made mistakes and am committed to changing some parenting strategies, and have actually used some - my husband too. Of course, he hasn't been at home for us to practice a lot and that will all change next Friday ...and I'm looking forward to doing things differently, and I ...

Mark Hutten, You completely rock!! I am only on Week #1, and I am already seeing a change. I am so impressed with your web site. I keep finding more and more good, helpful stuff! Thank you and your staff so much! May God bless you and you help us one child at a time to stop the insanity of out of control kids. ~ociana Online Parent Support

Hi C., Please look for these arrows throughout your email below: == > Mark, Perhaps the answers to these are in future lessons in the course. If so, please point the way. If not, I'd be grateful for your insights.... 1) Is my child being a jerk or does he really not know how to read situations and respond appropriately? Is he lacking some sensitivity/awareness skills (brain cells) that tell would otherwise clue him in that he's being completely out of line? ==> Children with “Oppositional Defiant Disorder tendencies” do have great trouble empathizing (i.e., putting themselves in some else’s shoes; understanding how others may be hurt or inconvenienced). ==> JOIN Online Parent Support   Is he manipulating us or is he really not (yet) capable of assessing situations and behaving appropriately? I never know whether he's "yanking my chain" or whether he really is somehow incapable of "getting it." ==> Both. He’s ...

Mark, HELP!! My daughter, aged 15, causes extreme stress on our family every morning. She refuses to get out of bed to go to school. I wake her at 6:00am, again at 6:15 and again at 6:30. She slowly wakes up, then begins to scream and cuss at me for waking him up. I tell her I am just waking her up to get ready for school …she continues to yell obscenities at me for waking her up. We are late to school almost every day. I am a complete nervous wreck by the time we leave the house. Today, she flat-out refused to go to school and stayed in the car sleeping. I finally just went to work and left her in the car. She awoke at noon and continued to verbally abuse me because she was hungry and was angry at me for waking her up. I just don't know what to do any more. T. `````````````` Hi T., Teens can behave in this manner for a variety of reasons. Your daughter may display a mood disorder …she may display what is called a conduct disorder (i.e., a serious personality disorder) ...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I've just spent the last several hours going back over lesson #1. It's as though you've been in my house and in my head and in my heart. This is the first time I've ever felt that anyone really understood our daily struggle. Our son has been difficult since he was born. This is not "adolescence". I'm very much a can-do, problem-solver person and, as you've helped me see, I need to let go of that. I'm working through the grieving process, mourning the lost dreams of the child I will never have …same for getting through the shame and guilt and embarrassment. I'm nowhere close on these things. I hope desperately that I can figure out how to get there because this emotional roller coaster is hell. I'm sure I'll write again. Right now things seem pretty dark but your videos and web site have at least helped me understand that I don't deserve this and it's not my fault. Thanks again, C. `````...

Unlike the articles we write for parents and teachers, we don’t have to give you a course in blogging basics. As a teen, you’ve probably visited your share of blogs or “spaces,” and there’s a good chance you may have your own blog. If so, congratulations. Even adults like us who have some concerns about bloggers’ safety and privacy applaud the fact that teens are increasingly taking advantage of the Internet’s great communications tools. Millions of teenagers maintain their own blogs. In fact, a study done at Georgetown University shows that more than half of all blogs are maintained by people 13-19. So let’s talk about safety and privacy. As you know, when you’re online you’re out in public, and that’s definitely true if you have a blog that’s accessible to anyone on the Net. We don’t need to tell you that there are creeps out there who might want to jeopardize your personal safety or steal your or your family’s money. It’s just a sad fact of life on the Net. Federal law-enforcement p...

Mark, Thanks so much for your reply. I was thinking of calling you today. Your 2 assumptions are 100% correct. The Xbox is new in our home (long story of resistance by the parents, son earned the money to purchase it). The privilege will be tied at least in part to grades (or at least effort in school) next year. By the time the XBox arrived in our home, the grades were too far gone to be salvaged for this year. Looking back, we should have insisted, as you suggest, that he at least spend time on school work, rather than insisting that he bring his grades up - which was utterly futile and only added fuel to the fire. As it stands now, he is limited to 1 hour/day on school days and 2 hours/day on non-school days, and chores must be done first. His daily chores are to walk his dog and wash up the evening dinner dishes (we have no dishwasher). This part is working OK. In total he spends about 45 minutes per day on these chores. So in that sense, he is earning his Xbox privi...

Mark, I understand that I need to let go of micro-managing my son's academic progress (which is, predictably, poor). How do I reconcile this with allowing my son to do what he enjoys (e.g., playing XBox) when it's clear he's shirking his schoolwork responsibilities? If I'm not to be on top of his homework and grades, do I then allow him to enjoy what he wants, in spite of poor academic performance? C. ````````````````````````````````` Hi C., First, what does your son do to earn Xbox privileges? Remember, ALL privileges must be earned. In this way, you are not “allowing” (i.e., a free handout of privilege) him to do anything – he is earning the privilege for himself. Next, we don’t want to “micro-manage” schoolwork – but we don’t want to reward lack of effort either. Thus, set aside a one-hour chunk of time (e.g., 4:00 – 5:00 PM) that is either “homework time” or “chore time.” Then let your son decide what he wants to do with that hour. He can do chores or sc...

Hi K., Please look for the arrows throughout your email: ==> On Tue, May 13, 2008 at 6:57 AM, K___ wrote: Hello. I purchased your e-book this morning and am excited to hopefully have found the tools I need to get back in control of my home, which has revolved around my oldest daughter, now 13, for years. I'm not sure where to find the videos on the online version you reference in your email. Please tell me where I can find these. ==> Here's the link back to your original download site: My Out-of-Control Teen: eBook Download Site When you get to that page, click where it reads Click Here to access the Online Version of the eBook. Also, is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this? My husband firmly believes this program is allowing her too much leniency. He has said he will take a completely "hands off" attitude with Amanda (our daughter) and allow me to try this program, but I am afra...

 Dear Mark, Thank you for your insight and for the help you offer. My daughter has problems with "school refusal". She is 15 and in ninth grade and we are in the last month of school. She has missed so much school and is now behind in her work with the threat of not getting credit for the year's work. She has been in a mental health facility for evaluation, (last week -- for seven days) getting new meds for severe depression, and getting her diabetes (high blood sugars) under control. (she has had diabetes since age 2). When Monday came around and it was expected of her to return to school (after two full weeks of absences) she would not get out of bed (again...same repeated behavior as before......... and then she sleeps all day for days).  I went to the school and met with counselors, teachers, administrator etc and they have been very generous by sending home all of her work to complete at home -- just to finish out the month of May and get her credits. This is a wonde...

Dear Mark, I've watched and started implementing Week One Tutorials & Assignments. My problem has been specifically that I discovered my 16, almost 17 year old daughter has been having sex with just anybody and posting intimate pictures of herself on the internet and inviting men to contact her for sex. She now has a boyfriend (he doesn't know what she's been up to and is more innocent than she is). I fear is also engaging in sexual activity with him. She first had sex at 15 when she went away with a friend and her parents on holiday. This was the first time she'd ever been allowed away and I had trusted that this family would watch out for her as I would have watched out for their daughter. When she came home, she'd got involved with a very unpleasant 19 year old (only in the last 3 days of a 6 day holiday).   I had to try to put a stop to it, which I thought I'd done, but today she left her computer on, and I saw a recent message from him. She deni...

I need major help. I prayed to God, read the bible and have been even studying the bible with a Jehovah witness (not that I understand the religion at all). My point is my oldest daughter, N___ was arrested today for shoplifting a sports store. Come to find out this wasn't the first time. She went to Winco (grocery store) and was caught stealing with a girlfriend top roman and gum. They were let go to someone posing as their mother. I am going to file charges against this women when I find her. Also her friend gave them my last as hers. This friend and my daughter are bad news together and the girl already has had problems with the law as well is mother of a 11 month old at age 17. Her mother keeps threatening her that is going to file custody of her grandson. Sorry, back to my daughter, N___ - She tells my husband and I that we are to strict on her and that is part of why she keeps doing what she has been doing. We let her go into Independent studies and start cosmetology school t...

Good morning. My mother had purchased your CD’s to help aid in the raising of my nephew (8) S and my niece (17) P. They were taken from their home due to neglect. It was in deplorable condition. Simply unfit to live. They were in foster care for 2 years, and now they are with me. I am their legal guardian. S has attachment disorder, oppositional defiant, been diagnosed with ADHD. I am trying to implement your ideas & strategies for some successes. The Dr, teachers, principal and I finally decided to try some medicine. At first, 10 mg medadate (sp), did not seem to change anything. We now have him on 20 mg Adderall RX. All at school seem to see an improvement. S does not want to be on medication and I prefer no medication as well. His newest report from school yesterday, his teacher wrote: “S urinated in the corner of the restroom. He told the truth and admitted it. (It could not have been an accident. It was far back in the corner and the stool was dry).” ...

Mr. Hutten, I appreciate your time this afternoon. Our “child” will be 18 end of May… has very good grades and has been accepted to attend the University of MD this fall. However, recently we have discovered him drinking… followed by an episode of being dismissed from an overnight school function for sneaking a girl into his room… followed by reports of him cutting classes at school… and reports of missing assignments endangering him from graduating… all within the past couple of months. A recent report card shows a sharp drop in several grades. Last weekend my wife and I went away… leaving our son at home unattended. In retrospect, we regret having done that… but we did it because we wanted to give him a chance to build our trust… we explicitly told him many things like “NO ONE is to come to the house”…and… ”of all weekends to use poor judgment this would certainly be the one NOT to mess up,” etc. We also asked him for his direct assurance he would not violate our trust and he told us...

Mark, I started using your program about 6 weeks ago. I'm finally seeing some positive changes. However, My 9yo who is ODD has a developed a friendship with the 11yo across the street who is ODD, ADD & PTSD. We had her over for a sleepover. I found out from my older daughter in the morning that the neighbor broke most of our house rules. (She was reasonably well behaved when I was in sight.) Being that she is a neighborhood kid I'm trying to figure out how to keep her from teaching my daughter her tricks. Keeping them apart is unlikely as they live right across the street. I have already told my girls that I won't agree to another sleepover based on her behavior last time. Any ideas of how to handle her when she is with my kids? ``````````````````` Hi S., If keeping them apart is unlikely, I don’t know how you will keep this girl from influencing your 9-year-old. What you can do is teach your child right from wrong (as simple as this sounds, it is easier...